Possibilities

I started this post last year in order to document the ways in which it seemed God was speaking to Jason & myself about a potential major change in our family's life.

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The last week of July Jason and I were discussing how he would like to leave the fire department, for various reasons, most of which I won't go in to here. One big reason is that he can't dedicate himself to our family business as much as he would like because he's on shift every 3rd day.

We talked about what would need to happen to make it even possible for him to leave the department, and one of the biggest roadblocks is that it provides health insurance for our entire family. No job, no insurance. Our family business just isn't quite there yet to begin providing it thru that venue. We also aren't quite making enough money to be able to afford insuring a family of four on our own. So, health insurance for all four of us. If that were covered, it would make him leaving the department much more realistic and feasible.

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The next day I received a text from one of my former supervisor's at my old job asking for assistance with something that used to be my responsibility. We texted back and forth for a bit, as I tried to help him via text, hundreds of miles away, with something I haven't handled in three years.

At the end of the conversation he jokingly texted (paraphrased): I'm going to have a position open soon. Just sayin'.

I replied "Everybody has a price. Just sayin'." (winky emoji)

He then sent a few texts about how they would cover relocation, how there's plenty of land available nearby, etc.

I figured he was half serious, half joking and left it like that. But the thought wouldn't leave me, so I mentioned it to Jason that night.

He basically responded something like "that would be okay".

I was surprised. I figured the idea of me going back to work, not being able to homeschool the kids, relocating 300 miles away would freak him out.

But it didn't. It didn't freak me out either. Which is incredibly weird.

I have been trying to move back to Ohio, closer to my family, for years now. We're an hour away from them right now. Now, suddenly, the idea of being 5 hours away doesn't bother me? Why? I have no reason. It makes no sense. I have no idea why I'm okay with it. I can't explain it.

But there it was. So the next morning I texted my former supervisor and told him if he really thought it would be a good fit for me, then to let me know when the job was posted and I'd take a look at it.

He reminded me of how things work there and that the opening was recently delayed and it could be some time before it was actually posted, but he would definitely keep me in the loop.

Basically that translates to say that the job could be coming open in a few weeks, months, year... or never.

But you see what happened there, right? If I went back to work, we'd have additional income & insurance and Jason would be able to leave the fire department. In fact, if we relocated, he'd have to. So talking and praying about it one night, and the very next day this happens. Did you see that?

But there's no telling when the job will actually be posted, if ever. So... what to do? Well...

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I started looking at housing prices, educational options & expenses, child care expenses, etc. in the area. You see, I realize that if this actually comes to fruition we'll need to make a decision relatively quickly, but this is a major life decision that directly effects our entire family; a decision I can't take lightly or without considering all sides.

But I also started praying for God's direction. Specifically, I asked Him to slam shut any doors he didn't want us to walk through, and to throw wide the doors that He does. Make it obvious. Make His will unmistakable.

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Fast forward to September. Try as I might to shake the idea and not obsess about it, I can't stop thinking about it. Jason & I found ourselves unexpectedly without kids, so we discussed it in depth for the first time. We had both been praying about it. As we spent the day together, we repeatedly said that we want God to show us, really obviously, what His direction is.

After dinner we started driving around, just driving and talking. Jason needed to use the restroom, so we stopped at a little mom-and-pop bar & restaurant in the middle-of-nowhere Kentucky. Seriously out in the middle of nowhere, driving thru the hills of our beautiful state, miles from civilization. We stopped and went in.

Jason walks into the single-stall bathroom, which was unlocked, and walks in on one of my former executives... peeing.

He literally walked in on the man as he relieved himself. Jason apologized, they both finished their business, we chatted with him for a bit. I had worked closely with this man for the entire 10 years I worked at my former employer. I also hadn't seen him since I left three years ago.

We stayed to listen to the band for a bit, I found Mr. Executive again before we left and said goodbye, then Jason & I got into the car and started laughing at what an incredible "coincidence" that was.

So the day we're asking God for a sign about what He wants us to do, we "randomly" run into one of my former executives at a tiny establishment in rural Kentucky. He doesn't even live in Kentucky anymore. He's still with the company, relocated 300 miles away like so many others. Happened to be in town visiting family.

He happened to be in town this particular weekend, a weekend where we just happened to unexpectedly find ourselves without the girls, he just happened to be at the same tiny bar in the middle of nowhere that we come upon at just the moment when my husband desperately needs a restroom, just happens to be in that restroom, just happens to have forgotten to lock the door. Did I forget anything?

It's a little too "coincidental" for us to believe that it was truly random.

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Now, jump ahead to October. We're still praying about it, but I'm also trying to balance that with not thinking about it. I know from my experience with the company that the job could be posted any day, might not be posted for a few months, or HR could pull the opening altogether. There's no sense on dwelling. But somehow we need to balance that with being prepared for the day it opens. If it does.

So one night, Jason is on shift, the girls are in bed, I'm doing the dishes. And thinking. It was a Friday night, and I had talked with my dad earlier in the day about Jena's soccer game the next morning. You see, my dad comes to every game. Every one. I don't think he's missed one. I've missed more than he has.

My dad adores his granddaughters. My parents were my full time childcare when Jena was little, and they are especially close. Both my parents have incredibly close relationships with the girls. But especially my dad. Grandpa. He dotes on them. Loves them. Can't get enough of them. I joke that he'd keep them if I'd let him.

And then I thought about it, really thought about it, for the first time since the idea of taking a new job and relocating came up. Leaving my parents. Taking my girls away from my parents. Away from my dad.

And I cried. And cried. Snot-faced messy sobbing cries.

What was I thinking?!? How could I leave my parents? How could I take my girls away from them? It's stupid for me to even think about moving farther away. What was I thinking?!?

But then...

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The next day I found myself at my parents. I hadn't planned it, but had an appointment about 20 min from their house, so decided to stop by with the girls for a visit before we headed home.

I'm sitting on the couch, Mom & I are watching the girls play, no one's really talking about anything. Dad walks in from the kitchen and sits next to me.

Out of the blue he says "I don't know why you ever left that job. I know you wanted to stay home and homeschool and everything, but that was a really good job. I don't know why you left."

At this point, I'm more confused than anything. At no point during the visit have I mentioned my old job, the company name, working in general. Nothing. I never told my parents about the possibility of going back. This is completely out of the blue.

He continues "Besides, it's only 5 hours away. If we really wanted to, we could still see each other every weekend. I don't know why you left."

Still in disbelief, I said "You know that's a possibility. My old boss contacted me about a job."

He's stunned. Can't believe it. My mom replied with "Don't give her any ideas!"

We laughed, but I really had a chance to think about it on the drive home.

The night before I had been freaking out about taking my girls away from their grandparents, specifically Grandpa. The very next day, on an unplanned visit, my dad unprompted, seemingly out of nowhere, reassures me that we could still each other every weekend if we really wanted, that it's not that far away, that he himself questions why I even left.

I can't ignore the coincidence. And I haven't been bothered, really bothered, by the idea since.

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Semi-random side note: one of the dealbreakers for me from the moment this came up is that whatever salary they offer me has to be enough for us to reasonably afford a 4+ bedroom house, so that we can have a guest room for our family to stay in comfortably when they come to visit.

Ideally I'd like to have an in-law suite, but a guest bedroom is my minimum. Not having a place for them to stay when visiting is a dealbreaker for me.

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But alas, nothing happens. Months pass, and there has been no opening. No more discussion (at least that I am aware of) about the job. Eventually Jason & I stop talking about it even being a possibility.

Honestly, thought, it leaves me a little confused. I don't really believe in coincidences, I believe in God. Everything seemed to be pointing us toward this job and relocating our family. I did pray that God would slam shut any doors He didn't want me to walk thru, so maybe that was it. Maybe going back to work & relocating wasn't His plan. But then what is?

Maybe this was just to get me thinking about it. Maybe it was just to open us up to the possibility of me going back to work or of relocating to a different area. Maybe it was just getting us to think & to talk about it as a couple.

Or maybe there's some other plan I'm not seeing yet.

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And then, this past week...

I run into 3 of my former co-workers in less than a week. All of them have relocated. Two are 300 miles away. One is 900 miles away. All back in town in the same week for various reasons. It is not a holiday week, not a company shutdown week, nothing in common brought them to the area at the same time, as far as I can tell. Yet each of them crossed my path; one at church, one at Once Upon a Child, one at Kroger. I didn't run into co-workers out & about that frequently when they all lived here!

Again, I'm left wondering... what are the chances of that actually happening? What a coincidence! But why?

I mention it to Jason. We agree it seems like too much of a "coincidence" to ignore, but we also agree that we don't know what God is trying to tell us!

We both agree that it still seems that the job & relocation might be a possibility, but we also both agree that it seems more & more that there must be another reason these things keep happening. God is trying to show us or tell us something that we just aren't getting just yet.

So we will continue to pray for His direction and His Divine intervention in our lives, and just trust Him as we see what the future has in store!

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Sorry there isn't some exciting announcement and conclusion to the end of this. At least not just yet. But I'll be sure to update if anything else happens!

What do you think? Do you think it will come to fruition? Or is God using this to direct us elsewhere?

As always, thanks for checking in!

2014 Recap

* I originally wrote this in January, but apparently never hit "publish", so here goes*

So a quick recap of 2014:

March:
- Jason's business kicked off it's 2nd season


April:
- my employer announced that it will be closing the Kentucky location within the next 3 years and all jobs will be relocated. Mine specifically is going to Michigan.

May:
- Miss Jillian was born
- Miss Jena graduated from Kindergarten
- my parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary

July:
- we made a decision regarding both my job and Jena's education

August:
- after more than 10 years with my employer, I resigned my position

September:
- we began homeschooling Jena

October:
- our family's first trip to Disney World
- a trip to Chicago

November:
- Jason expands his business to include Christmas light installation (residential & commercial)

December:
- holidays (need I say more)

Big News

So sorry it's been so long since I've been on. Life has been quite a whirlwind lately.

The biggest thing that I have to fill you in on is that I resigned from my job and am officially a full-time wife, mother, and homemaker.

It was a difficult decision, one that my husband & I discussed possibly hundreds of time.

It is definitely a leap of faith, but there have been numerous things that have occurred that make it seem as if God was laying the path out for us. Some things were giant stones along the path, others were tiny pieces of gravel filling in the cracks, but all of them seemed to be pointing the same direction: me staying home.

It's definitely been an adjustment for all of us.

The most uncomfortable part for me was waiting to officially resign. Even though we decided partway into my leave, for policy technicality reasons I had to finish my leave, return to work, put in a full eight hours, then leave. Keeping it a secret from my co-workers friends until then was really hard. Coming back to all the choruses of "welcome back" and "we missed you" was really hard, since it wasn't announced until lunch. My management team knew first thing, but we had to wait until the official announcement at 12noon. So weird to be there, working, with everyone so glad to see me, but knowing the whole time it was my last day.

I cried. A lot. After 10 years there a lot of those people felt more like family and friends than co-workers.

And there is a huge part of me that wanted to stay. Especially with all the changes at work. My company is relocating, and my division is headed to Michigan. Not that I want to move to Michigan, but I hate not being there for this major development.

Anyway, so far staying home is amazing. I literally cry at least once a week with happiness. I'm still getting the hang of everything, but it's great.

It would help if our routine would stop changing every couple of weeks, but for right now, that's life.

Just as a quick picture, right now my routine consists of going to a fitness boot camp several times a week, taking Jena to piano lessons weekly, and... homeschooling Jena. Plus all the infant care, chores, housework, etc, etc, etc that go along with it.

I'll try to post more details on each later, but I at least wanted to give you all an update on the biggest development since having the baby.

As always, thanks for checking in!

How Far We've Come

Sometimes it's nice to look back at where we were in the past. It can be amazing how far we've come in a relatively short amount of time:

One Year Ago:
Things were just starting to calm down. After my father-in-law's passing in April, followed by my nephew's overdose in May, plus some major changes at work, last year was rather hectic and stressful. By September things were beginning to resemble something closer to normal. Finally.

Two Years Ago:
I was battling a bevy of health issues: my legs & feet were tingling from my spinal injury, I was struggling with some major digestive issues, and finally met with a pulmonologist about my recurrent cough. As you know, everything turned out okay in the end. This was also Jena's first Summer at preschool.

Three Years Ago:
We were house hunting, struggling in our marriage, and I was fighting major depression. I was busting my butt at the gym & following a strict diet, only to not see any results, as my metabolic disorder was as yet undiagnosed. We were just beginning to realize Jena may be speech delayed, and she was still watched by my parents full-time.

Four Years Ago:
Wow. Four years ago I started my blog. While I struggled with post-partum depression & anxiety, I was blissfully unaware of the marital issues that were lurking around the corner. Jason was getting ready to start medic school, Jena was a toddling machine.

Five Years Ago:
I was hugely pregnant, madly in love, and looking forward to starting our family, as we celebrated with baby showers and 4D ultrasounds. The pregnancy and dreams of our little girl pretty much consumed our lives at this point.

Six Years Ago:
We were engaged and busily planning our upcoming wedding. Invitations would be going out right about now. I had finished my Open Water certification and we did quite a bit of diving that Summer. Fun!

Seven Years Ago:
It was around this time that I knew I wanted to marry Jason. We had been dating only a few short months, but I just knew. We spent the Summer going to festivals, taking walks, and just being in love. I had finally had my back surgery earlier in the year, so was enjoying my first pain-free Summer in what seemed like forever.

Eight Years Ago:
Single and unattached, work was  pretty much my life. I was just beginning to look at apartments closer to work, and I still volunteered with my college marching band. I was also on the Alumni Band Board of Governors. In other words, I kept busy. Post-accident but pre-surgery I was in pain daily, and often walked hunched over.

Nine Years Ago:
Still enthralled with my new job and employer (where I am now), I also struggled with boredom. My previous jobs had been fast-paced and the work endless, but I now was constantly asking for more work. Fresh out of a relationship, I was constantly scouting the engineers at my new workplace (it's true!). I volunteered with my college marching band, which kept me fairly busy.

Ten Years Ago:
Actively searching for work, desperate to leave my job with the bad manager (as it's become to be known). I was miserable with my job, volunteered with my college marching band, and usually took seasonal jobs as a trumpet, marching, or drum major instructor with local high schools. Yes, I was (and still am) a total band nerd, LOL.

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It's amazing how much our lives can change in a relative short amount of time, isn't it? I feel like the past 8 years especially have been a whirlwind.

What about you? How has your life changed in recent years?

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this post inspired by this post

About Me (a meme)

1) What were you doing 10 years ago?
Working as a medical receptionist for a dermatologist, sending resumes out like crazy. Loved the work, the patients, and my co-workers, but the office manager was just awful and I had finally had enough.

Single. Living with my parents.

Still in pain daily from my accident.

2) What are five things on your to-do list?
Well, this is rather boring.

- buy new toilet brush
- affix mirror decoration in bathroom
- wash dishes
- clean kitty litter
- empty trash

3) What are five snacks you enjoy?
- peanut butter & apples (even better when you're finishing the ones your daughter left behind)
- popsicles
- Kettle Chips
seriously racking my brain here... I try hard not to snack...
- Grippo's Barbecue Chips
- peanut M&Ms

4) Name some things you would do if you were a millionaire.

Give it away!

Seriously, one of Jason's fears is if we were ever wealthy I'd give too much away, LOL.

Pay off bills, obviously.

And travel. We love to travel, and our travel bucket list is quite long.

5) Name some places you have lived.
Ohio
Kentucky

6) Name some bad habits that you have
I'm a bad procrastinator.

And the past few (like 10 or so) years I've constantly & consistently late. Drives Jason nuts. I think psychologically something must've happened, because I used to always be the early one. Not anymore. Someone come analyze me, LOL.

7) Name some jobs you have had
dishwasher
library associate
medical receptionist
bedding associate
accounts receivable clerk

the list could go on.... I guess when you count part-time and short-term, I've had a lot of jobs...

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this post inspired by this post

Do I need to leave my job?

I'm so ticked off I can't think straight, and so am coming here to write it out.

After two promotions at my current job, I now have the title of Associate.

For the past eight years, I have been handling responsibilities for my division that I knew for a fact were being done by Specialists (one step above me) and in some cases even Assistant Managers (two steps above me) in other divisions.

I have known this for a fact. I have argued the point on multiple occasions. It's one of the reasons I got the two promotions that I have managed to squeeze out of them. But it was a fight both times.

I was just informed that "management's idea" is that there are some things that Specialists have been doing for 15+ years that they have now decided are really more Associate-level work. So they want to train me to do these things.
But not give me a promotion, or raise my pay.

So for over 15 years these responsibilities have been Specialist level, but now, I can do it.

Of course I can do it. I'm damn good.

It does not mean that the job is no longer Specialist level, it means that I am Specialist level.

I argued that they can't just randomly decide this and give me the job so they can get the same activity done for a lower pay rate. I was responded with an eye roll.

I asked that if they have spontaneously decided that Specialists weren't doing Specialist-level work, then why don't they demote those Specialists down to Associates instead.

I got a heavy sigh and something about how I don't understand how things work.

I do understand. I was hired nine years ago to do data entry & filing. My responsibilities have expanded hundred-fold. More than 75% of my job is now Specialist level work. But instead of promoting me to that level, you are exploiting my abilities so you can get the same job down at a lower pay grade.

From what I was told this morning I am pretty convinced that if I ever want to be taken seriously, if I ever want a promotion, I will need to leave my division, if not my company.

And that sucks.

My Job

This is a really boring post where I tell you all about my job. I figure I talk about it on here enough, I should explain it.

I provide adminsitrative support for a engineering division (roughly 100 people) in a  massive international manufacturing corporation.

But I think "administrative support" tends to be misleading. I prefer to say "everything but the actual engineering".

Because that's what I do. I...

... coordinate, track, & manage the division's multi-million dollar budget
... design, create, & maintain the division website
... provide systems & software support for the entire division
... serve as liaison between the division & our travel agency for all travel-related issues, problems, etc.
... handle all facilities-related issues for the division
... create & maintain all reports related to employees' training & development
... lead the Diversity Communication team
... am a contributing member to four other Diversity teams
... lead coordination of all division events
... coordinate new hire assimilation into the division

and because they won't give me an assistant, I also...

... provide basic administrative support to 40 employees
    four assistants provide this support to the remaining 60 employees. I have yet to figure out why it's so lopsided, or why they won't send an assistant over to my groups to help out
... provide executive support to 5 division heads (one Vice President, four General Managers)

and because he won't let me go even though I've been promoted twice & really shouldn't be doing it anymore, I also...

... provide executive support to one of the highest ranking executives in the company

Over eight years ago I was hired to do data entry & filing. Needless to say, my responsibilities have evolved somewhat thru the years. That may be a bit of an understatement.

FireMan - what's he been doing anyway?

Just a quick little update on Jason.

He's doing well. Still adjusting to life without his dad, which is difficult.

As you may (or may not) recall, he is a full time firefighter, working 24/48 (24 hours on, 48 hours off).
Like many firefighters in our area, the pay doesn't quite cut it, so he also works a 2nd job maintaining & repairing fire trucks at the fire house.
On top of that, he has his own business maintaining, repairing, and otherwise working on emergency vehicles (fire trucks, ambulances, security vehicles, etc).

While his business is doing well, he's hit a bump at his second job where not only is he no longer satisfied with the work, but the fact that they pay is roughly half what he can make elsewhere... let's just say he's a little burnt out.

So he's been looking for income elsewhere, and hasn't worked any hours at his second job in nearly 2 months. Odd jobs, fixing up & selling cars, fixing up & selling lawnmowers... really, whatever.

So far (the past 2 months) he's managed to bring in pretty close to what he would have made at his second job.

I know he's not happy there any longer, and have actually encouraged him to go ahead & quit. As long as the income is similar, I'm okay with that.

He's been fairly active with the local (volunteer) water rescue team this summer, primarily by performing boat patrols along the river. He's always enjoyed boat patrol, and even moreso this year, as he is now a boat operator, having completed the training / testing at the end of last season.

New this year, he recently began volunteering with the media team at our church. He's primarily been working as a camera operator during the services, filming the preaching for later broadcast on the internet. I'm really proud of him!

Around the house he's kept busy with a never-ending list of projects. Lately these are: cutting up the hickory tree that was felled in our last big storm (yay free firewood!), finally building the dogs a real doghouse (as opposed to the functional, yet ugly, one we created from home renovation scraps), and landscaping the front of the house (untouched since we'd moved in).

Between work, volunteering, home projects, and family, he's definitely keeping busy.

Which is good because:
    a) he's never happy if he's bored
    b) it keeps him out of trouble

So that's a quick update on my FireMan. As always, thanks for checking in!

What are you whining about?

What are you whining about ??

What am I whining about? Seriously?

I'm tired. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of being on an emotional roller coaster.

I wish my husband were home more this week.

I wish I had someone to help me with Jena so I wouldn't feel so strained all the time. And yet...

I wish I had more time with Jena. Good, long, quality time - not just trying to get life done.

I wish I felt more committed to my job. Or better - I wish I had a job that was more meaningful to me. I wish I could find one.

I want this fat to melt off. And the skin to tighten and the boobs to lift all at the same time. As if by magic. I'm tired of watching what I eat.

Ugh. I'm still gonna post it, but I've decided I don't like this post. I don't wanna whine. I want to be grateful. Let's turn it into that.

I'm grateful for my awesome family. I'm grateful to have so much love in my life.

I'm grateful to be in good health and pain free. I know from experience this isn't always guaranteed.

I'm grateful for my daughter. My amazing, wonderful, daughter.

I'm grateful for my husband, his love, and all he does for our family.

I'm grateful to be part of a good God-focused, outward-focused church.

I'm grateful to have a job with good people, doing good work, that also pays me good money and awesome benefits.

I'm grateful that we are financially stable, and improving.

There, that's better.

As always, thanks for checking in.

Blessings

Physical Blessings:

1) No serious medical issues yet this year
2) My back is stable (not worsening)
3) Jason is healthy & strong as ever
4) Jena is healthy & growing well
5) All the pets are relatively healthy


Financial Blessings:

1) We can feed & clothe our family, and pay our mortgage
2) We have good benefits, including affordable health coverage
3)  Our car is almost paid off
4) We are on target to be debt free (excepting the house) within 2 years max
5) We can afford a few extras


Mental Blessings

1) My issues with depression & anxiety appear to be (mostly) over
2) So far I see no signs that my PPD will lead into Clinical Depression
3) My job is providing me with enough challenges to stretch me, but not enough to stress me
4) Jena has tested above her age group in all developmental milestones
5) I haven't had writer's block in months


Spiritual Blessings

1) Mine & my husband's salvation
2) So many answered prayers & visible miracles
3) Continued growth in the Lord
4) Finding my "fit" in our church home
5) Spiritual battles won


Answered Prayer

1) TheBoy's miraculous recovery
2) Continued growth & healing in our marriage
3) Promises fulfilled
4) Safety for Jason on the job
5) Unspoken


Today's Blessings

1) We all woke up this morning (and healthy too!)
2) We both have jobs to go to
3) My parents watching Jena
4) We can talk during the day
5) Phone call from a friend

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this post inspired by this post

*update on my nephew*

My brother-in-law met with my nephew's neurologist. It's never good when they ask you to sit down.

He said that my nephew's entire brain is damaged. Not just a spot, not just a part, the entire brain. All that is left is to wait & see how much it will recover.

His brain stem is intact & working properly - which controls life essential functions like breathing, heart beating, etc.

But... the part of your brain that controls reflexes (breathe deeper, you need to swallow, it's time to pee) is not working at all.

He told the family to prepare themselves that he will never be the same. Even if when he wakes up, he won't be the same person anymore.

My brother-in-law is looking for jobs in Ohio (they currently live in Iowa), near where my nephew is, and has a possibility already lined up. My sister has started looking for housing in the area.

This is hard.

Who Needs a Five Year Plan?

Back when I was interviewing for jobs, the most hated question for me was the dreaded "Where do you see yourself / where do you want to be in five years?"

I don't, okay? I want to be happy. That's it. Whatever shape that takes, the answer is that I want to be happy.

Incidentally, I gave that answer in the interview for my current position.

The thing is, I learned at a relatively young age that plans don't work out how you want, and that even if they do, it's not always how you expected.

In short, fulfilling your plans does not guarantee happiness. And your plans aren't guaranteed to pan out anyway, so...

who needs a five year plan?

*aside* I know there are those out there who find five year plans and the like very helpful for them and satisfying, and helpful towards them achieving their goals. I just am not one of them.

The fact is, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I still haven't decided if I want to grow up.

When I was a teenager, the age when people seem the most likely to ask what you wanna be when you grow up, I would tell them I wanna be Peter Pan... and never grow up.

Most adults seemed either to think this was brilliant, or foolish.

Past the age of 15 or so, there was never a career that really seemed appealing to me. Not one. Oh, there were phases I'd go thru where I thought it would be really neat to be a teacher, or an FBI agent, or what not, but... nothing that grabbed my attention, nothing that held my attention, nothing that I wanted to dedicate my life to.

As a child I wanted to be a veterinarian. Until I found out they had to euthanize animals (not against euthanasia in certain instances, just not sure I could do it myself). So then I decided I wanted to be an animal breeder. Until I learned about pet overpopulation (not against all breeders, just too many pets dying to be rescued). So then I wanted to start my own rescue, except there's not really any money in that, and a gal's gotta eat, you know?

I still think about it.

Sometimes I think I'd like to be a pro-blogger, maybe start my own web design business, marketing is kinda interesting, as is being an Ebay reseller. I'd love to have an Etsy shop (but I'm not crafty), sometimes I think I'd make a fantastic CEO, maybe I should get my EMT certification, wonder if I could be an underwater engineer, should I become a computer programmer? or start that cat rescue I've thought about? Wonder if I could ever get that foundation going that I've wanted to run for years. Or maybe I could be an animal breeder, if it were for rare breeds or possibly working breeds. The list goes on & on. And on. And on.

The fact is, the only thing that has held my attention is that I feel called to be a wife & mother. Have since I was a teenager. The same as some feel called to be doctors, or lawyers, or ministers, or what not.

Wife & mother.

And now I am.

Yet somehow I still feel this pressure to have a plan for my career. But I don't. And I don't really care. Although I'm a little bummed that I've been working a job for eight years, with no motivation to move up, and not much of a chance of that happening anyway ('cause I don't play those politics-at-work games).

I picture myself in so many roles.

And even as a wife and mother, I see myself more loving & patient & kind than I really am in real life.

In my head I see that day where I bake cookies with my daughter, and cook meals from scratch, and craft the heck out of our house, and homeschool my children, and have an immaculate house, and wear sexy nighties every night before rocking my husband's world in bed.

Oh, and I can also do minor plumbing, take care of all the animals, do basic auto care, and build a doghouse. Out of brick.

And I do it all well. In my mind.

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this post inspired by this post

Spread the Happy

It's been way too long, and I need to focus on some positive schtuff, so I'm thinking I need to get in the habit of doing these kinds of posts more regularly again.

Here's the latest happy news from our FireHouse:

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Chief is getting bigger and since the weather has been warm is now outside most of the time.

He's proving to be a good fit with our family, and I think eventually he'll be a good working partner for Buddy.

Also - never having a puppy before, I don't know how much longer they continue to grow at this rate, but... I'm starting to wonder if he'll be bigger than Buddy. At 12 weeks he reaches halfway up Buddy's shoulder.

I like big dogs.

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Our chickens laid their first eggs!

The eggs are still very small, and we're only getting about one day total (from all 15 chickens), so definitely not into full egg production yet, but... we got our first egg!

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Jena was so excited to take our first two eggs to preschool for show-n-share. She did great!

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Jason & I started attending a new small group at church. The study is currently on the Holy Spirit. I'm really enjoying the study, but I really like the group of people. Closer in our age than any small group we've attended before, plus many of them have children close to Jena's age so she has a blast as well.

It's the first time I've ever thought (hoped?) that I might make some strong connections with others in our church.

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Jason has a new job prospect (for his 2nd job). If it works out it he will quit his business and just work for them. Same sort of work, but (hopefully) less stress, plus a much more stead paycheck than running his own business. Keep him in your prayers!

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Rearranged Jena's bedroom yesterday. I really like the new setup. And I'm trying some new ideas for organizing her toys, so (hopefully) it will be easier for her (and me!) to keep tidy.

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I suppose that's all for now. Thanks for checking in! And don't forget to Spread the Happy!

Not Just Another Blog Challenge #9 - What Occupation Have You Been Told You've Been Good At

 

I think the one that's been on my mind lately is Animal Behaviorist. Since I was a young child I connected with the animals around me, and loved pretty much all of them.

Sometimes I honestly wonder how I didn't end up with a job working with animals of some sort.

A friend recently told me it's never too late to find your passion and make a career out of it, and while I know it's true, and also kinda feel like working with animals will always be more of a hobby for me.

In the long run that will probably help keep it more enjoyable for me anyway.

What about you? What job have you been told you'd be good at? Are you doing it? Why or why not?

Not Just Another Blog Challenge: #3 - My First Job

Ahhh, my first job. Not including chores. Not including mowing relatives' lawns for cash, or babysitting for the neighbor's kids. My first real job.

My first real job was as a dishwasher for a steakhouse in the local mall called York's Choices.

 

My job was to clear dirty dishes off of tables, take them to the back, rinse them off, load the dishwasher, unload them when done, take out the garbage, and sweep & mop the floors.

About a year after I worked there the local location was closed down. The rumor was that it was shut down for health code violations. Having worked there, I believed it. I tried googling it, and it appears the entire chain is now defunct.

It was a hard, smelly undertaking. My uniform smelled like garbage (literally), no matter how many times it was washed. It stunk.

I worked there the summer between my junior & senior years of high school. I wanted to keep working part time when school started back up, but my dad was insistent that my job was school. Period. I had to talk him into letting me get that job.

My dad is so wise. Seriously. Here I was, a teenager begging him to let me get a job so I could have some extra spending cash, and my dad kept telling me "Your job is school. You have plenty of time to work once your education is over. You'll be working the rest of your life. Right now, your job is to go to school & get good grades."

Wise, I tell ya, wise.

Not Just Another Blog Challenge

<a href="http://www.kyfirewife.blogspot.com"> <img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUiRXq8blNajx-I6aSUOuEBV_dl10BygCvqP3bv7TGZXw4ei1ML2q8tbqruXyZZ-5XnfhTHsL3Hu_7VagnJkkiiwfnxZx1RzjJmA3x4jF-6GvhlbowaUk7OROobrnBZS3MNhwHu9NLyGpV/s1600/blog_challenge.jpg" /> </a>

I know, I know... aren't there enough of these blog challenges floating around?

Yes, yes there are. But... quite frankly it seems like a lot of them ask the same things. Or some of the same things.

So a few months ago, I started making a list. Questions for a blog challenge of my own. Topics I've never seen in a blog challenge (not that I'm an expert or anything, just things I hadn't seen). Things I think might be interesting. Things that, if answered honestly, tell a bit about who a person really is.

When possible, pictures would be awesome.

Answer one question per blog post. As frequently as is convenient for you, but let's aim for answering at least one question per week, just to keep things flowing.

And please use the badge shown above to link back to this post, 'kay?

Hope you'll play along!

Here's the list:

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1. what's in your fridge

2. what's in your car

3. your first job (doesn't include chores)

4. what's so great about your place of worship

5. something you side-eye (something you're judgy about)

6. how are your current spiritual (religious) views different from how you were raised?

7. something you struggle with

8. your past significant others (does not include "just dated", but those you would classify as an actual relationship)

9. what occupation(s) you've been told you'd be good at

10. think about a change in your life you want / have been wanting. What is it / how do you picture your life?

(ie what makes you want it)

11. best thing about dating

12. worst thing about dating

13. best thing about married life

14. worst thing about married life

15. best thing about being a parent

16. worst thing about being a parent

17. something people (at least your blog readers) don't yet know about you

(little known facts)

18. oldest clothes in your closet (that you still wear)

Spread the Happy

Yes, with my return to original posts, I am most definitely keeping my Spread the Happy posts. And I still think everyone should do one.

For me, it really has helped me to focus on the positive aspects of my life at the moment. And maybe you're thinking, "whatever, I'm not really struggling with that right now".

Well, to be honest, I'm not really struggling with it right now either. Seriously, I'm in a really good place.

And I want to stay there.

Let's face it, with all of life's irritations & distractions, we all have moments where we need to focus on what's going right. Because even when it seems like everything is going bad, the truth is there is something, at least one little thing, that you can smile about. If you try.

So here are my happy thoughts for the moment. And below that is a LinkyTool for you to link up your own happy thoughts.

Enjoy!

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- I'm happy I have a direct supervisor who will stand up for me

- I'm glad I have a job that I (mostly) like, that pays well, and has great benefits

- I'm happy I'm making positive steps toward figuring out my health issues

- I am so excited about our upcoming vacation

- I am proud & thankful that Jason's business is doing good, steady work and providing a tiny bit of extra income for our family

- I'm getting excited that Jason is making good progress on finishing our master bath. Hello 2nd bathroom and (hopefully) goodbye PMI !!

- I love my cat

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Recent blog posts that I enjoyed:

Dear PTA: I Got a New Attitude (Not Really)

Hello! I'm a Mom.

The Real Reason I Don't Pick Up Before Bed

I Said I Was Going To Marry Him When I Was 10-Years-Old

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That's all for me right now. Now it's your turn to Spread the Happy!

Customer Service

I guess this would be more aptly entitled "Patient Service".

You know, I think there may be no place where customer service skills are more important than in the medical field. Whether you are the receptionist, the biller, the doctor, or the nurse - when a person or their family member is in need of medical attention, quite frankly the last thing they need is some jerk-wad to deal with.

And yes, I have worked there. I worked in medical offices for over four years, in administrative positions. I know how stressful it is. In fact, those were the two most stressful jobs I've ever had, for various reasons. I'm not saying I handled every situation perfectly, but 99.9% of the time, when dealing with patients, I had my game face on. For their sake. Whether I liked them or not. Whether I thought they were being reasonable or not. Whether I was tired or not. Whether they were idiots or not. It's part of the customer service game, people. It's what you do.

This also means that when I call a doctors' office, I know the lingo. I know what to ask, how to ask it, what info should be important to them, what isn't. I tend to give the staff the benefit of the doubt, even when FireMan tells me I should say something I tend to stay quiet, assuming maybe someone's just having a bad day.

I can handle the occasional mis-step from the staff, because I empathize with them. I remember what it was like to have hundreds of patients calling on you, asking you to bend to their needs (or wants), disrespecting you and demanding to speak to the nurse / doctor / office manager over the littlest thing, and even (the hardest one for me to deal with when I worked there) telling you that if they die their blood is on your hands. You'd be surprised how many times I heard that one. As a receptionist. I cried the first time. Maybe the second.

But when someone repeatedly, consistently, behaves with anything but grace, with a complete lack of any customer service skills at all - I really have no sympathy, and quickly lose patience.

There is a member of the office staff at FireGirl's pediatrician who is severely lacking in customer service skills. If you ask her a question, anything, she takes on an extremely irritated tone of voice.

She has rolled her eyes at me because I asked her to make sure they had our new insurance on file.

I've called for something urgent, and she acts like I'm asking the world because my child is sick.

've called for non-urgent appointments, and she gets frustrated because I won't leave work and show up in 30 minutes, as she is apparently doing me a huge favor by offering me the opening, and to look ahead three weeks (God forbid a parent plan ahead for their child's checkups) is apparently a huge inconvenience to her.

And then there is the lab results desk (pretty sure it's two women) at my doctor's office. I had my ultrasound on a Thursday, and was told that my doctor should be calling me by Friday afternoon. Well, they didn't. But it was a holiday weekend (Independence Day), so I cut them some slack. Monday was the holiday. By the end of Tuesday... still nothing.

In the meantime, my symptoms are not only persisting, but seem to be getting worse.

By Wednesday noon, nothing. So I call around 2pm. The phone rings & rings & rings until it rolls to the receptionist. She says she doesn't know why they don't answer, and patches me back to them. Except this time it goes to voicemail after one ring.

By 5pm, no phone call. By Thursday noon, still nothing. So I call back at 1:30pm. I explain that I had the ultrasound done a week ago, and had been told I would have the results the next day, but didn't. That I had given it a couple extra days due to the holiday weekend, but now it's been a week, and I just wanted to see what my results were. All very nice & polite, I assure you, just explaining why I was calling back again. She takes down my information. I tell them to call my work number if it's before 5pm, and give them the number.

At 4:30pm, I get a call. On my cell phone. So much for listening to directions.

She explains that my ultrasound was completely normal.

I ask if the doctor left any note or instructions as to what I should do next, as he had alluded in my appointment that he really thought the ultrasound would show the problem, and on the off-chance it didn't, he would most likely refer me to a specialist.

She sighed, and her nice voice immediately changed to irritated voice.

"Well, if you're still having symptoms, then I suggest you make another appointment to see the doctor. Okay? Thank you." Click.

Really? I mean: REALLY?!?

I was more than accomodating, waiting far past the expected time for my results. I was polite the entire time, all three calls, had my nice-phone-voice going, asked a very reasonable & routine question and even explained why I was asking.

And you're irritated, blowing me off, and hanging up on me WHY?!?

The proper response should have gone something like this: "You know, there's no note on here about that. Why don't I check with him and have someone give you a call back?", said in a happy, nice voice. And then
actually doing it.

By they way - I called back the next day & left a message for the doctor. As expected, he referred me to a specialist without seeing me again. Had I listened to the bad-attitude-lady I would have wasted valuable time, delayed my specialist appointment, wasted the doctor's time, and paid an extra co-pay... all because of poor customer service skills. Sad. Makes you wonder how many times that happens.
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I realize this is just a vent, and I know people have bad days, but seriously, if you are working in any customer service field, but particularly in a medical service field (let's face it, if you're in the medical field, your job is to serve the patient), if you can't handle putting your game face on and being nice and polite to patients & their families, then get a new job. Seriously. Just get a new job.

You know, before my patience wears out and I actually file a complaint with your office manager & our doctor. Because eventually, my patience will wear out, and just like I tell them when a nurse / receptionist / clerk / whatever goes out of their way to help, I have no problem telling them about your little attitude problem.

Seriously. Get a new job.

'until the next time I take FireGirl to the doctor

Follow Up to Gov't Union Busting Post

Since my original post on the topic, I've read numerous articles, listened to the people for these busts, watched news programs, etc. And got into a heated argument with one of my co-workers. Not either of ours finest moments.

The basic problem I have with these bills, is that anyone has yet to provide me with the math that shows this will solve states' budget woes.

Not one. I've posted it on my personal Facebook page. I've asked people directly. Not one can provide me with these numbers.

I've also asked for specific examples of public workers (any public workers) who are making such an outrageous salary and receiving such outrageous benefits that this broad, sweeping legislation needs to be passed.

Not one person can provide that to me. I've gotten several responses showing how low their pay & benefits are, but not one can show me actual data proving that public workers are compensated in this supposed outrageous manner.

Why? Because it's not true. Neither point. Passing these measures isn't going to solve budget woes. And public workers aren't making that much.

What little numbers & math have been provided have been woefully (and obviously, if you bother looking just a little beneath the surface) skewed.

It's fuzzy math. Because that's the only way they can make their case.

If you want to be anti-union, then just be anti-union. Say it, stand by it, be proud of your stance.

But for all of our sakes, including your own, please stop pretending this has anything to do with the budget. Please?

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since I've been asking for actual numbers, here's some for you:
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- according to the U.S. Dept of Labor - Bureau of Labor Statistics, as of 12/10/2010, the average cost to employers for total compensation (salary + benefits) were $47.56/hr for private employees and only $40.10 for public employees. For just one worker, this would come out to approximately $14k per year less total compensation, on average, for public employees.

for the purpose of the study benefits included: paid leave, supplemental pay, insurance, retirement / savings, and other legally required benefits (Workers' Comp, etc)

Nothing Left. Face Down in the Mud. Empty.

I am scraping the bottom.

I feel as though I have drained every ounce of... everything that I have. I have no new ideas. I have nothing left to give. There is nothing left in my tank. My account is in negatives. I am empty.

It seems as though the entire world has been telling me that I'm not good enough. For anything. And the harder I try, the worse it gets.

Lord knows I'm not perfect. FAR from it. But I'm trying. I've been trying. For soooooooooo long. This pit bull might just be on her last legs. Exhausted. In every way.

I'm not giving up. Don't think that. It's just... I don't know what to do. So what do you do when you don't know what to do?

Ya'll know some of the issues Jason & I have had in the past. And if you've been following for long you know that one of the approaches that I took is realizing that I have no control over him and all I can do is try to be a better wife / mother / person myself. I only have control over me.

So for nearly nine months now I have been trying to be that better person. A better wife to Jason. A better mother to Jena. And so on and so forth, but those being the top two things. I'm not perfect, but I have tried. Oh, how I have tried. And I think I've made great strides. Perfect yet? Nope. Never will be. Better? I think so.

I've been working so freaking hard. Made tough decisions. Stuck it out. Saw a counselor. Dug into God's Word. Read books. Prayed. Did the homework (literally - I had assignments to do). I worked.

I re-evaluated my priorities. What was I willing to do? not do? etc. I gave in on some issues. Stood my ground on others.

Jason has admitted himself that in some ways I am a completely different person than he thought I was. In a good way. In ways that he says, and has expressed repeatedly, are of utmost importance to him in our marriage. Which is why those were the areas I focused on to begin with.

And yet... it's still not good enough. He says it is. But... then finds something else to complain about. He says he's happy. But... then acts in ways that a happy husband just does not. At least not in my eyes.

I worked to become a better mother. Gave up community activities so I could spend more time with Jena. I'm definitely not the perfect mom. Oh, far, far from it. But I try. I try so hard. She's my world, you know. But she just seems... so unhappy with me. She cries so much. Always begging me to spend more time with her, which I just can't. We fight daily. She hits me. Kicks me. Throws toys at me.

And it seems like everyone around me tells me how my parenting is wrong. Everyone. All I know is that I make decisions based on what I believe is best for her, what my brain tells me will work out best for her in the long run. But... apparently I'm doing it wrong.

And to add insult to injury, multiple family members have begun telling me that Jena doesn't actually miss me when I drop her off at daycare. She's just "pushing my buttons", manipulating me to get her way. I think I understand what they're trying to say, but do they have any idea that they basically just told me that Jena... well, that she doesn't love you at all, Jodi, she's just playing with you.

Man, that hurts.

And... at work.

So, I got hired on, right? But my job responsibilities changed very little. Added one new item, but that item I was told would increase my workload by 20-30%. Fine. Well, shortly before I got hired on, my boss got rotated to a new group, and I got a new boss. We're still doing the dance, figuring out our working relationship, but... grr.
He is constantly on my case. I mean, I am darn good at my job. Really am. Perfect? No. But really darn good. Walk-on-water reviews for 6+ years. Other divisions benchmarking my work to take back to their divisions. I'm good, I tell ya.

And... he has admitted to me on numerous occasions that he has no idea what I do, knows nothing about administrative items (budget, website, staffing, etc).

But... he is on my case. About stupid stuff. About big stuff. About everything. Apparently my freaking inbox isn't good enough. Seriously. Like, the inbox on my desk. That my team members, including him, have been successfully using for almost seven years. It's not "apparent" enough. Really? The standard issue inbox, hanging in the standard cubicle position, labelled "inbox" - really?!? I tell ya... stupid stuff.
And... it's not just him! The general manager, who I've always had a good working relationship with, is suddenly nitpicking on everything!
They also made me change my previously agreed upon work schedule, so I can no longer drop Jena off for preschool (left the hallway & cried after that little meeting).

So, I talk to a couple of managers whom I trust and they tell me that because I was hired on, I'm being "watched". Basically, we know you've been here over six years, but now you have to prove that you deserved it. Bullsh*t I tell ya!
So,  I think fine. I'll bust my butt. I'll turn out even better projects. Do whatever they ask. At least put on the appearance that work is my priority (because in reality it will never come before family).

So... is it helping? NO! In fact, last week I worked two hours of overtime. Two measly hours. I actually thought my boss would be pleased. Working on all these projects, putting in the time, twice last week I was the last one to leave the office. Happy boss, right? Nope. Today he told me that they frown on "unneeded overtime" and if I work any (ie. 15 minutes or more) of overtime, I need to send him an email detailing exactly what projects I was working on and why the overtime was needed.

WTHeck?!? Um... how 'bout the fact that you explained to me that my new responsibilities increase my workload by 20-30%? And since I was previously working 37-40 hours a week... it's simple math. How 'bout that? Can I put that down as an explanation?

Oh, and if you're wondering about my time blogging / on message boards / surfing the net, etc. Well, I also have already gotten a talking to about how I'm still "non-exempt" so legally I have to take my breaks. They are not optional, and they will be enforced, so stop skipping them. Although I'm sure being seen taking a break is also perceived as not being dedicated, something else I was told is a perception of me around the office.

So, it seems lose-lose to me. Your workload has INCREASED. You MUST take all of your breaks. We DON'T WANT you to work overtime.

Ridiculous. I feel like I'm being hazed. Been here nearly seven years and I'm being hazed. Geez!

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Wow. This post got long.

But basically, I guess you can see where it's coming in on all sides. There's more, but those are the three biggies in a nutshell. It just seems like no one is happy with me. Including me. I'm not happy with me either. But I'm at such a loss.

I know I can improve, in all these areas, but I've just reached a place where I don't know what else to do.

Maybe they're just bad situations, and there is no right answer. Maybe there is a right answer, but I'm so drained I can't see it. Lying flat on your face in the mud sometimes makes it hard to see what's standing right in front of you. I get that. But it doesn't help me to see it.

I know I suck. I'm horrible. I get it. I'm inadequate. I can't do anything right. But I try. Lord, I try.

Sometimes I wonder if it really is all me. If I just really am that screwed up. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I really am just that bad, that I just really do mess everything up, just by being there.

But, Lord, I hope not.

Because if it turns out that everything really is just all my fault, that everyone really would just be much happier without me because I've just screwed everything up so badly, well... I just don't think I could tolerate that at all. That... might drive me to quit.