Multiple Personalities

Do you ever feel like the multiple versions of you are at odds? I do. All the time. Especially since becoming a mom.

Take tonight for instance. Jason wants to have a date night. One that entails having my kids spend the night with my parents.

The wife part of me thinks that sounds awesome. Would love it. Sounds like a great plan. Great idea, hunny. Let's do it.

The mom part of me thinks that's a horrible idea. Why would I want to spend even more time away from my babies? Who would come up with such an idea? What an idiot!

And of course then the housekeeper part of me has to butt in and say that if I have enough free time to have a date night, then I really need to get in there and scrub that bathroom. Ugh.

I don't think I have had as much internal conflict as I have since having kids. It seems like just about every day I am being pulled in a million different directions. I definitely think the hardest part of being a mom is juggling everything. This was true when I worked full time outside the home, and it's still true now that I'm a stay at home mom.

Anyway, still haven't decided what to do about tonight. The wife part of me really wants that date. Really wants it. The mom part of me thinks it's ridiculous to spend the night away from babies when it's not necessary.

We'll just have to wait and see who wins this one...

It will all work out in the end

"It is not a parent's job to entertain their child" -- Susan Yates

Between that quote, circulating on both Facebook and Pinterest, and this article, which states that "...parents are spending more time with their kids than they did two decades ago." this idea has been on my mind a lot lately.

Truthfully, it's something I struggle with. I think (for me) a lot of it stems from working mom guilt. I feel like I miss so much of Jena's time, that I want to be truly present with her at all times. Really be there, quality time, connecting on her level.

And my housework suffers, and meal preparation suffers, and time with my spouse is lost, and time to pursue my own interest is gone.

But I've always been okay with that.

And still am, to a point.

But lately I've been thinking more and more about whether or not this is best for Jena. Just because she's happier, just because I'm at peace with it, doesn't necessarily mean it is what is in her best interests.

And so I've been trying to redirect some of my time, some of my attention, with the thought that maybe on occasion it's good, not bad, for me to tell her 'no, I can't, I'm busy'. Maybe it's okay for me to do the dishes while she's still awake. Maybe it's good for her to see me working around the house, instead of just waking up to chores being done.

Now, this isn't to say I've never done any work with her around. She's certainly helped me fold clothes, do the dishes, put in the laundry, feed the pets, sweep the floors, etc, etc, etc. in the past. But it's never been my priority. I always put my priority on focusing on her and what she wants to do.

And so now I'm working to shift that focus. To appease my working mom's guilt by telling myself that it really is best for her to see me focus on these other items, even if she's begging me to play. At least once in a while.

Similarly, Jason & I have done a pretty good job of keeping date nights and us-only trips since she was born, but when we're together as a family, the focus is almost exclusively on her, not each other. And maybe that needs to start shifting as well.

And me. My interests. I tried to participate in some of "my" activities after Jena was born, but found it to be too much, overwhelming. And so I still find myself anxious at the thought, but I've scheduled a couple of girls' days out with friends, and I'm seriously thinking about joining a community band in the near future. Because I've been really missing performing lately. There's an ache inside me that misses the music. And so maybe it's time that I make time for that part of me. And yes, I do think it would be good for my daughter to see me perform, to see that Mommy can do other things besides mothering and housework.

It's all a balancing act. One that changes and shifts, morphs along with the passing of time. Maybe I feel that I can refocus because Jena is older. Or maybe it's because my years long struggle with depression & anxiety were clouding my focus before. Or maybe it's because I'm becoming more experienced as a parent.

I suppose the reason doesn't really matter. Only the outcome. And so I shift again. Refocus. Juggle. And see where the balls fall, where things work, where adjustment is needed. And then shift again.

All the while trusting that it will all work out in the end.

So What Have I Been Up To?

You heard about Jason, you  heard about Jena, so what about me?

Wel, I'm leading a couple of large projects at work, which have me working more-than-usual hours.

I started volunteering in the church nursery. It was supposed to be just one service a month, but with everyone taking all kinds of vacations, they've been short-handed, so it's really been at least 2 services a month so far.

Our family has joined a small group at our church. It's only supposed to last thru the Summer, and is a "strictly social" group. Basically instead of meeting to do Bible study, or other development, we meet to hang out & build relationships. Considering I have a hard time meeting people & making friends, it has been a God-send (no pun intended). I still have a bit of anxiety every. single. time. we meet, but am starting to make connections with some of the other folks in the group. And it's really great because most of the people in this group are roughly our age, and several of them have kids around Jena's age.

ThirtyOne. I had an open house to clear out some of my inventory & make room for newer products, offering cash-n-carry items at a steep discount, and a small discount off of catalog orders. Attendance was as good as any party, plus I've had several requests to have more! Everyone likes a discount I suppose! And I do still have inventory I'd like to update, so I guess I'll probably have another. I also had my first person to sign up as a consultant under me. That has me a little more energized about this endeavour than I had been, as I really want her to do well & want to be there for her.

Extended family. Well, drama has finally calmed down (knock on wood), and we are all settling in to the new 'normal'. After my father-in-law's passing, followed shortly by my nephew's overdose, things have been all kinds of crazy. So now we're making up for it. Picnics, weekend getaways, vacations, date nights, family dinners... making up for lost time. Well worth it, and much needed.

As much as I love the distraction, and as much as so much of our busyness is because of wonderful good things, I'm also distracted by how jam-packed our schedule has become. As I was reviewing our calendar last night I realized we are basically booked from now thru December. No lie.

I suppose that's it in a nutshell for me. As always, thanks for checking in!

Parenting Don'ts... that I did

or maybe still do.

Because we're all just doing our best.

Because judging one another needs to stop.

Because if I looked hard enough, I could find something to judge you for.

Not that I've ever intentionally hid any of these, but I'm letting them go, being upfront and honest, and telling you that I'm doing the best I can, just like you.

Flame away if you must.

********************

- I got my hair dyed while I was pregnant.
I couldn't find any reliable research to say that it would do anything to harm the baby, so heck yeah, I covered my gray.

- I let Jena play outside. By herself.
If you count 'with four dogs' by herself. I check on her every few minutes.

- I let Jena play in the bath by herself.
Once I get done washing her, if she's not ready to get out within a few minutes, I leave the bathroom. I pick up random crap around the house, walking past the bathroom and poking my head in every couple of minutes.

- We totally follow the 5 second rule in our house.
And sometimes extend it to ten.

- I rarely washed my hands when Jena was a newborn.
Oh, after the potty & before eating sure. But I figured she should be exposed to "family" germs, so never really bothered in between those events.

- I feed Jena all kinds of sugar & preservatives & fast food. And very little organic.
She also eats lots of veggies, and fruit, and whole grains. Whatever.

- I have spanked Jena
And smacked her hand. It's rare, but it has happened.

- I don't follow the pediatrician's recommendation on shots.
Nor do we skip all vaccinations. Nor do we follow Dr. So-and-So's modified vaccination schedule. I researched every individual vaccine myself and we have followed a modified schedule of our own, making our own judgement on what is best for our daughter, instead of following blanket advice from either side of the table.

- I just found out that five years ago the FDA recommended no cold medicine for kids under the age of 6.
Meh.

- We didn't really childproof the house.
But I've already written about that.

- Jena's car seat got turned around before she turned one year old.
Not much before, but she had outgrown the height & weight requirement & had good control of her head. She's moved to each level of seat restraint sooner than the recommended age, but never before the required height & weight. And we follow requirements for both Kentucky & Ohio, since we travel frequently in both.

- similarly, I think putting a child's age on a safety requirement is stupid.
Other than for infants (because you have the whole head-control thing), it makes much more sense to use a combination of height & weight. Some children are big, some are small. Going by an age will make no actual impact on their safety. Going by height & weight will. Needless to say, I ignore the age thing.

- I could have breastfed longer than I did.
But I had extremely low supply (3-4 oz per day) and spending all that time pumping for one feeding a day seemed like a waste. Bring on the formula.

- I let Jena sleep on her belly.
Once she got up the strength, she kept flipping herself over anyway.

- I skipped tummy time
While she loved to sleep on her belly, she hated being awake on her belly. Would scream incessantly till you picked her up. Seriously. I have one such session on tape. It was torture for everyone involved. So after about the 3rd or 4th time, I stopped.

- Jena never slept in our bed as an infant.
She slept in a bassinet next to our bed for about 2 weeks. Then we gradually started moving her farther away. She was in her crib overnight by 6 weeks of age.

- We let Jena cry it out.
As an infant. And thru preschooler-hood. As in now. I self-imposed a 20 minute time limit when she was an infant, which we still hold to, but she rarely went that long. Like maybe twice in her life. She also slept thru the night (6+ hours) by six weeks of age.

- I changed the kitty litter while I was pregnant.
Jason wasn't doing it, and I wasn't getting rid of the cat, so...

- When she was little, I rarely slept when she slept
I felt like I got more out of showering during at least one of those times.

- We went on our first post-baby "date" when she was less than 2 weeks old
It was our first anniversary. We went to lunch & a matinee. My mother-in-law watched her. She was fine. So were we.

- We went on our first "no baby" vacation when she was less than a year old.
We won a dive cruise. In the Bahamas. She stayed with my parents. She was fine. So were we.

- I praise my daughter religiously
I tell her she's awesome, smart, funny, kind, amazing, and beautiful multiple times a day.

- I still let Jena drink from a sippy.
She's nearly four. She can drink from a regular cup just fine. But walking around the house, or on the go, a sippy is safer for my floors, my furniture, and my sanity.

- I still ask Jena if she wants a paci. If she asks for it, I give it.
She's never been addicted, and it's better for her teeth than sucking on her fingers (which she tries to do).

*********************************

So there you have it. My list of "don'ts" that I so did. Or still do.

What about you? What have you done "wrong" as a parent?

As always, thanks for checking in!

*********************************

this post inspired by this post

Not Just Another Blog Challenge #12 - Worst Thing About Dating

 

The worst thing about dating? I think it's the moment before it's over. No matter how short or how long you were dating, there's that moment... when you know it's over before it actually is.

Doesn't matter which end of I-don't-want-to-see-you-anymore you're on, that moment sucks.

The anxiety of does-he-really-not-like-me-but-I-like-him-so-much, or I-really-wish-he-didn't-like-me-so-much-cause-this-is-gonna-be-hard.

Yeah. That moment. Sometimes it's a long moment. Sometimes it's a quick moment. But that stomach-sinking moment is the worst.

Not Just Another Blog Challenge #11 - Best Thing About Dating

 

I think the best thing about dating is the possibility.

The excitement, the oh-I hope-he-likes-me, and then oh-wow-I-think-he-actually-likes-me!

It's meeting new people, going to new places, and the dreaming about the possibility of where it all might lead.

Yes, as much as I definitely do not miss dating, that one little piece of it, the possibility of it all... that was definitely the best part.

What about you? What do you think was / is the best part of dating ?

**************************************************

PS - don't forget to enter the giveaway! It ends Friday at midnight.

Over Five Years Ago...

this is pretty much where he was standing
when I pulled up & first saw him

I met Jason. In person.

We met online, and - breaking all the rules I'd set for myself - when he called me just two days later & asked me to meet him at a park, I agreed.

We walked the walking trail around the park (around... three miles ?), then sat on a bench in the dugout of the baseball field until dark (ie. the park closed).

The walking part is funnier when you realize I was still recovering from back surgery and couldn't really walk properly. But being in that don't-want-to-mess-up-a-good-thing mode of a new love potential, didn't say anything. And walked the entire trail. Stooped forward just a little. And in moderate pain by the end.

Since neither of us had had dinner, we drove to a nearby Skyline Chili restaurant for dinner, and ended up closing that place out (11pm).

We hugged goodbye, and parted ways.

All-in-all we spent over six hours together that night, talking. Talking about each other, our families, our past, and even what we wanted from a relationship.

Two days later we had our first official "date".

And the rest, as they say... is history.

I love you, Jason!

** all pics were taken  this year, on our "we met anniversary"

FireGirl is growing up way too fast

And this has been causing me some anxiety lately.

Not sure "anxiety" is exactly the right word. Mental duress? ha!

I bounce back & forth between thinking this is normal mommy feelings, and this is completely unreasonable.

I just can't believe how big she is. How grown up she's getting. She's not a baby anymore. She's a little girl. In some ways she's a big girl.

Of course she'll always be MY baby. Forever and ever and always. Even when she's grown.

Of course, me being me, I try to figure out WHY I'm feeling this way. Usually when I'm on the this-is-completely-unreasonable end of things.

Let's see...

She starts her new preschool in five weeks. She'll go three days a week. Full days.

That seems more like "real" school. So that probably has something to do with it. Right?

And it just seems like she's developing really quickly here lately.

Her speech continues to move ahead at lightening speed. It's clearer & clearer every day. Phrases getting longer & longer.

She picks up on things so darn quickly. Always has, really. But now that she can talk & communicate with us, it's just so incredibly obvious how fast she's learning.

She's so polite. Says "please" and "thank you" like such a little lady.

She's a great nurturer. You should see her with her dolls. And her stuffed animals. And the infants at the sitter's. Her sitter says she's a great helper, and one of her favorite things to do is help with the babies. I've seen it with my own eyes.

I think seeing MY baby take care of HER babies just reinforces to me how big she really is, you know?

And she's growing physically. Again.

Honestly, it's not such a big deal at this point, but I really do hope her height slows down before too long. For her sake. Let's face it, in our society a very tall girl just has a harder time. Same with very short boys. It's not right, but it's how it is.

That being said, at two-and-a-half years of age, some of her 3T shirts are just starting to show her belly. Which means the rest of the 3T shirts are soon to follow. So we have begun buying 4T shirts. For our 2 year old. Hrmph.

And if my hunch is correct, her body is gearing up for another growth spurt in the near future. {{sigh}}

And those of you that have been following my blog for even a short while know of the... discussion... between FireMan and I regarding having more children.

As much as I'm trying to hold out hope, I think there's a part of me that is giving up.

No more babies.

Which means that my baby, my ONLY baby, isn't even a baby anymore.

And the thought of that, the thought of not having a baby anymore, of not having a baby in our house ever again... yeah... since I'm starting to cry as I write this, I'm gonna go with that being the root of my "mental duress".

Oh, it's not fair.

And I try to tell myself I'm being silly, I'm being stupid, I'm being selfish.

Because I am sooooooooooooooo blessed. So very, very blessed. And I know that.

Please, I don't want anyone to think for a second that I take FireGirl for granted, that I don't appreciate her for how amazing she is, for what an enormous blessing she is in my life.

I know I am blessed to have her, to have even one baby, to have my FireGirl.

But... oh, I really didn't intend this post to turn out this way. It was supposed to be all about my anxiety about her growing up. And then I started rambling. Oh.

I'm gonna leave this post as is. Because it's honest. Raw & honest. Unedited. Who I am at this moment. What I'm dealing with right now.

But I am going to stop this post here. Even though it somehow seems unfinished. I just think it's better that I end it here than keep rambling.

As always, thanks for checking in.

Valentine's Weekend

Well, FireMan hit it out of the ballpark with this one.

He has never done anything so romantic, so special for me. Actually, no one has.

Yep, he got it right.

Planned it for months. Which is, in & of itself, worth major brownie points. Voluntarily got dressed up, something very uncharacteristic of him, so bonus points there. And took his hunny out of town for the weekend.

At this point I feel I should clarify that this is VERY atypical of FireMan. Very. Romance, well, it's not exactly his middle name or anything.

Every Valentine's Day (four of them) we've shared thus far has gone something like this (yes, this includes both dating years, and married-but-pre-baby years):

we say we're not doing anything for Valentine's Day.
so I get him a card.
he stops at Kroger on his way home and picks up: (insert choice here: bag of chocolate [why pay extra for the heart-shaped box], cheesy stuffed animal [which I still love, by the way], bouquet of whatever flowers might be left [which explains why I ended up with yellow miniature roses one year]).
he walks in the door with said last-minute gift.
I act surprised, because I actually am. (apparently I have a memory problem, and every year forget that even though we say we aren't doing anything, he stops at Kroger).

I just want you to realize how HUGE this romantic gesture was. Huge. Big. Really, really big.

Okay, got it? Good. Then I'll proceed.
I didn't know where we were going until we were halfway there. He accidentally said something about having to be "on board" by a certain time. After a few guesses, I got it. Only because one of my friends from work had taken a girlfriend there a few years ago, and had asked my opinion on it. Otherwise, I would have been completely clueless.

And it was wonderful.

Saturday night he took me to My Old Kentucky Dinner Train!

don't we look snazzy?

It was really neat, totally unique, and a great surprise. Since it was quite a drive from our home, FireGirl spent the night with my parents and we got a hotel in nearby Louisville.
Sunday we slept in, enjoyed the continental breakfast at the hotel, then slowly started making our way back to Ohio to pick up FireGirl. We stopped at the Carrollton Outlets, but they were closed, then took the scenic route back.

Stopped for a mile hike at General Butler State Resort Park.

FireMan at the overlook, General Butler State Resort Park

I'm laughing. I forget why.

the view from the top

Had lunch at a local burger joint along the way, and stopped at the hospital to visit FireMan's uncle, who was recently admitted.

By the time we got to my parents' house, FireGirl was already taking her afternoon nap, so we played cards with my folks for a couple of hours until she woke up. Then we got her all packed up, and decided to head to a park for the first time in 2011! She had to keep her coat on, and we didn't stay too long, but we all had a blast. She definitely didn't want to leave.

Going down the slide with Daddy. They do this at least once every time we go to the park.

And then she decided she wanted to go down with Mommy. First time I've gone down the slide with her.

Dinner at a McDonald's on the way home (FireGirl's choice), then back home to get back into the groove and start the normal work week on Monday.

All in all, a very enjoyable, wonderful, awesome, Valentine's Weekend.

Thanks for checking in!

"Date" Your Spouse

FireMan and I try to have date nights monthly. We ask someone to watch FireGirl overnight, and the two of us go out on a date. Just us. No friends, no baby, just able to focus on each other.

I honestly don't know how marriages survive having a baby if couples don't do this. It has been a life-saver for us.

So last night was one of those nights. And we had a GREAT date night. Nothing fancy. Dinner at a BBQ joint, ran an errand at the mall, went shopping for FireGirl's birthday (probably not really appropriate for date night), then a movie. It's not so much about what you do, it's about spending time together, just the two of you. Reconnecting with one another.

So anyway, while we were walking the mall, one of the topics that came up in conversation, sort of, was how we treat each other. How we speak to one another. The little things we do that irritate one another. Later in the night, as I was dwelling on this mall conversation, it dawned on me.

Dating your spouse shouldn't end with one night. It should be infused in how you treat each other as well.
Think about it. For example: when you were dating, if you did something to upset your partner (even a little thing), what would you do? You'd try to fix it, right? Do everything to make it better, right? What about now? Would you still do everything you could to make it better? Or would you just go about your day and tell yourself that if they're upset it's their problem? That they're too sensitive?

That's just one example. I'm not saying spend every day acting like a gushing little schoolgirl (or boy). Just let the thought cross your mind from time to time.
Ladies, if you got all dressed up for your partner when you were dating, do you do it now? Gentlemen, if you opened the car door for your partner when you were dating, do you do it now?
Just think about the little things, the little actions and the frame of mind that you had when you were dating.

And really "date" your spouse. Not just on the occasional night out together, but all the time.

Multiple Personalities

Do you ever feel like the multiple versions of you are at odds? I do. All the time. Especially since becoming a mom.

Take tonight for instance. Jason wants to have a date night. One that entails having Jena spend the night with my parents.

The wife part of me thinks that sounds awesome. Would love it. Sounds like a great plan. Great idea, hunny. Let's do it.

The mom part of me thinks that's a horrible idea. Why would I want to spend even more time away from my baby? Who would come up with such an idea? What an idiot!

And of course then the housekeeper part of me has to butt in and say that if I have enough free time to have a date night, then I really need to get in there and scrub that bathroom. Ugh.

I don't think I have had as much internal conflict as I have since Jena was born. It seems like just about every day I am being pulled in a million different directions. I definitely think the hardest part of being a mom is juggling everything. Jena is almost 10 months old, and I am just now beginning to feel like I might have a handle on it. Then sometimes I wonder if I'm getting a handle on things, or if I've just gotten used to not having a handle on things. Hmm. Could go either way.

Anyway, still haven't decided what to do about tonight. The wife part of me really wants that date. Really wants it. The mom part of me thinks it's ridiculous to spend the night away from baby when it's not necessary.

We'll just have to wait and see who wins this one...

Carmen (the opera)

Well, FireMan and I went to our first opera Friday evening. One of my coworkers generously gave me two tickets to Carmen.

I have to say, I loved it! Having never been to an opera before, I wasn't really sure if I would like it or not, but I had a great time. Not the least of which was related to actually seeing my stunning husband in a suit & tie. LOL.
I don't think FireMan had quite as good a time as I did, but despite his protests I think he managed to enjoy himself. At least a little bit. Maybe....

I will say, for any of you first-time opera goers, that although I loved Carmen, I was not quite prepared for how long it was. Especially considering we had to pick up FireGirl from my folks afterward.

But all in all, a lovely time.
If you have yet to go to the opera. Go!!!