It's Been a Whirlwind of a Year

Well, the past almost-year has been a whirlwind, to say the least. Figured it was time I caught ya'll up, if anyone is still out there reading these, LOL.

Last May we found out that our business wasn't doing nearly as well as our business manager had been telling us. We went from "yes, we should clear enough for Jason to quit his full time job and support your family entirely from the business in a month or so" to "the business is going under and our only option is to sell" literally overnight.

We had been told for months that everything was going very well, the business was making lots of money, we'd be able to insure our employees, including ourselves, very soon and increase what the owners were getting paid enough that we could, finally, solely support ourselves off of the business. We trusted this person, trusted the reports and numbers he showed us.

Thank goodness Jason  never actually resigned.

Because it was all lies. We got three days notice that we had no choice but to sell before it actually went under.

Our business manager had known long enough that he'd already applied for, interviewed for, and accepted a position at another company. As time has gone on, we've come to realize that he probably knew for about a year the true financial position of the company, and had been leading us on for at least that long.

And yes, we realize that that probably means that he was skimming off the top as well.

It was devastating and life changing, to say the least.

Not even touching on the part where someone we trusted was conning us for an extended period of time, we didn't know how we were going to support our family. You see, Jason's salary at the firehouse has never made more than about 40% of our household income.

We immediately cut back on our expenses, and Jason immediately began exploring other ways to make money. The sale of the business was final in August, but the proceeds barely covered the business' debt.

We considered me going back to work, and I put a few feelers out there, but in the end we decided that it would be too much upheaval for the girls for us to do it unless it was an absolute last resort. I still stay home with them, and we still homeschool, so me going back to work would absolutely turn their world upside down.

The  new owners of the business asked Jason to stay on part time, and that pay has been a God-send. Jason also started a new business, helping clients with digital marketing. He taught himself when he was growing our original business and became quite good at it, specifically GoogleAds.

I'm still the Vice President of my university Alumni Band, and that's been amazing. Last May, the week before we got this news, I traveled to Austin, TX for a nationwide Alumni Band Symposium. What a great experience!

I coordinated all the activities for Homecoming, which was last October, and it was a smashing success if I do say so myself.

At the same time, I became the Team Manager for Jena's soccer team. She's become quite good, and is now playing competitively.

There was another event that occurred last fall, but I feel it deserves it's own post, so for now let's just say it rocked my world, but not in a good way.

And then... in January we started another company. We help new businesses get started and grow their company, specifically in the Pressure Washing and Christmas Light Installation niches.

As part of that business we decided to host our very own Christmas Light convention. Yep, you read that right. We're hosting an entire convention.

Our life has never been particularly... stable. It seems every year or so we have a go through a major change in our family, but this past year has been... overwhelming, to say the least.

I've been feeling very stretched thin lately, but at the same time I don't feel like I can drop any of the balls I'm desperately trying to juggle.

I could expound on any one of those things, or all of them, but it seems that would take nearly a year in and of itself.

I would like to be on here more, but again, I feel stretched so thin already.

We have started a family YouTube channel that we post to sporadically. I find videos easier to do in short spurts from my phone than blogging. Fortunately / Unfortunately. I like the videos, but I really prefer writing myself. But if you want to follow us over there, feel free.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCPmDyIOw7ZmMFBjl6EqWnaA

In the meantime, that's all for now. I hope you all are doing well. If there's anything you're curious about, comment and I'll try to make that my next update.

Thanks for checking in!

Lost in the Middle

Yesterday was Mother's Day, the end of a long, busy Mother's Day weekend for our family.

Friday was Homeschool Field Day for Jena, then running errands with Jillian.

Saturday we had Jillian's birthday party, then dinner with my mother-in-law to celebrate Mother's Day for her.

Sunday Jena had a soccer game, then lunch with my mom to celebrate Mother's Day for her, then back to MIL's house for dinner to spend a bit of time with Jason's brother before he heads back to California.

There was no Mother's Day for me.

Yes, Jena got me a popsocket for my phone, which she bought when Jason took her shopping for Jillian's birthday present, and they remembered they needed a gift for me... but only after they saw the Mother's Day signs at Target. Even though they both knew the errands I was doing included shopping for presents for my mom & MIL.

It was a busy weekend, a good weekend, but the truth is I was forgotten, lost in the middle.

Kids, kids, parents, kids, parents, kids, parents, parents. No me.

I suppose this is what middle-aged really means. You're in the middle. Doing it all on both ends, but getting lost in the meantime.

As I sit here sorting out my feelings as I write, I realize it's not so much about the holiday itself, it's the getting lost, the invisibility of it all.
It's not that there wasn't time to squeeze in something for me, it's that it wasn't even thought of.
It wasn't that my gift wasn't something I particularly wanted, it's that the idea of a gift was completely forgotten.

I'm a mom. I've been a mom for nine years. Not only am I a mom, it is quite literally my job. I'm a stay-at-home mom. I'm a homeschooling mom. I literally spend 24/7 being nothing more than a mom. A noble job, don't misunderstand me, but it is what I am, what I do. And yet on the one day a year set aside to celebrate that very thing, I am completely forgotten, lost in the middle of generations.

Spending half of my weekend tending to our children's activities, and the other half celebrating our own mothers, putting in the time & effort to try to make everything nice for everyone else, but at the end of it, there's nothing left for me.

It sounds a bit whiny, I suppose. No one's paying attention to me and what-not. But it's what I'm feeling at the moment, take that however you must. It just would be nice to be noticed from time-to-time, to be appreciated. But such is the life of a mom, I suppose. Taking care of everyone else so they can do their things, and the act of taking care becoming the one thing that is yours.

It's so easy to become lost in the middle, lost in motherhood. I've recently tried to stake a claim in some activities in order to retain my own identity, give me something that is mine alone to do, and I'll detail that a bit in my next post.

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What about the other moms reading this? What do you do to make sure you don't get lost in the middle? What steps have you taken to hold on to yourself while you take care of others?

As always, thanks for checking in!

I Need to Miss Them Sometimes

When I worked full time outside of the home I missed Jena every day. Every day I hated dropping her off at preschool and every day I counted the hours till I picked her up. I felt guilty for not being with her, for not spending my days with her. I planned short outings to squeeze in our precious time between work & preschool and bedtime. We didn't have much time together, but I tried very hard to make it quality time. I missed her. All the time.

Now, the picture is very different. Now, I stay home with my children. I even homeschool them. We are, generally speaking, together 24/7. Even when Jena participates in activities, I am there. Watching, cheering, encouraging, parenting, waiting... I'm always there. We're together. All the time.

And I love being with my kids. I find it hard to imagine sending them off to school 6+ hours a day five days a week. My heart aches at the thought of not being with them for such a huge amount of time.

I love it... and I don't.

You see, I find myself needing just the smallest bit of space. It comes on me at some point almost every day. Perhaps it's because I'm an introvert, and alone time refreshes me. Perhaps it's something else in my personality. Or maybe it's just something we all need sometimes.

I find myself eager for "rest time / quiet play". Eager for bedtime. Giddy when someone actually watches them for me for a few hours.

And then, of course, I feel guilty for feeling relieved to have some time to myself, some space.

I love it... and I don't.

It used to be that if Jason & I went away by ourselves that I missed Jena terribly, I could barely stand to be without her. The truth is that now when we get rare nights to ourselves, I don't miss my kids. My heart doesn't ache. Not for a few days anyway. Oh sure, it comes eventually. But that familiar ache used to hit as we drove away. Literally just a few miles down the road. Now it takes a few days before it sets in.

I know it makes sense, to a point. But I don't know that I like it.

I need to miss them sometimes.

I need a chance to feel that ache, to want to spend time with them. Really want to, really miss it. I need an opportunity to look forward to the time with my kids, instead of it just being part of my everyday routine.

I miss missing them.

I need to miss them sometimes.

I am so ready for the workday to be over

It's 5:15pm and I am so ready for the workday to be over. It's been one of those days. Stress at every turn, difficult coworkers, menial work that feels overwhelming because of the stresses of the workplace. I'm tired, frustrated, and about to go over the edge. But at least it's 5:15pm.

I am unbelievably ready to wrap up what I'm working on, walk out the door, get in the car and drive. Sure, wherever I go will have its own responsibilities with different people to deal with, but with any luck maybe those people will be in a good mood and tonight will end on a relaxing note.

But I can't walk out the door. Because I don't work outside the home anymore. I stay home and homeschool our children. So at 5:15pm, even though I've already been fully on the job for 10 hours, I have at least four more to go, and that's if the kids actually go to bed on time and stay there. More often than not with my three year old lately I'll be looking at another six hours, minimum.

No drive by myself, listening to music to help me unwind. No change of scenery. No heading out to see if the next group of people in my life will be in a better mood. Nope. This is it.

It's been a rough day. Meltdowns, tantrums, tears, yelling, frustration, blatant disobedience and disrespect. All day.

I'm not saying there weren't good moments, because there were. But interspersed throughout the day, all day, many, many times were these moments, these difficult moments. These stressful, frustrating moments. I have yelled more times than I care to admit. It was a hard day.

But I can't pack up my desk and leave, and hope things will be better at home. This is my home, and my workplace. So I have a choice to make.

I can choose to focus on the negative, be a pessimist, and let it bring me down, which will continue to spiral my daughters' adverse behavior, or I can choose to try to see the positive in the day, be an optimist, force a smile on my face, and try to pick my girls up and make their day better. I'm the leader here. It's up to me to at least try to turn things around.

So I gather the supplies for a craft, get everything set up, tell the girls we'll do a craft. They're excited. They love crafts. This will be fun.

After reminding Jena that she needs to follow instructions or the craft won't turn out right, she yells at me that I'm ruining her art by making her follow directions and breaks down in tears because I "ruined" her project.

We take a break, but eventually finish. But no ones very excited about the craft anymore. And I'm starting to wonder why I bother.

Now it's time for dinner. I decide to make a new recipe, but one that is simple and kinda fun and I'm absolutely sure both girls will like. Jena refuses to admit that it's good, instead telling me everything that's wrong with it. But she takes a second helping. And a third.

Sometimes you can't help another person's bad mood. You can try. And especially for the ones you love, and the ones you're living with, you should. But ultimately it is all up to them. They have to decide to look at the bright side for themselves.

Dinner is over. The run baths for each girl in turn. They get into their pajamas, brush their teeth, get into bed.

It is now 11:45pm. Jillian is still awake. She just called me into her room a few minutes ago. The fourth time she's been out of bed, that I know of.

When you're a mom there is no end to your work day. Even when the kids aren't directly demanding my attention, I'm tending to housework, or school planning, or cooking, or pet care, or, or, or... The list goes on and on. And it doesn't matter if you work outside the home or stay home. The only difference is when you work outside the home you get a change of scenery, a break from one set of responsibilities, even if it is quickly replaced with another set.

I've done both. I was a mom who worked outside the home for six years, and now I've been a stay at home / homschooling mom for three years. They are equally demanding, equally stressful, just in different ways. I'm not going to lie, there are days when I think back longingly on my days as a working mom. Days when I have to remind myself how many years I spent wanting this, praying for the opportunity to stay home with my family. Days when I have to remind myself of the stresses of working outside the home. Today was definitely one of those days.

The truth is I miss working outside the home more than I ever thought I would. And while I was never one of those people who thought being a SAHM was an easy job, I definitely underestimated how difficult it can be at times. And then I decided to add homeschooling to the mix, LOL. I had no idea what I was in for! Despite all that, I remain convinced that for our family, at this moment in time, me staying home and homeschooling our children is the absolute best choice for us. I have to remind myself of that at times like today, but it is the truth.

So here's to all you working moms, wherever you call your "office". Keep your focus on what's best for your family, on why you do what you do, and keep on pushing through those hard days. There's a good day right around the corner. Promise.

As always, thanks for checking in.

Top 10 Items We Use with a Three Year Old

Every time I go on Pinterest I see all these "must have" lists for bringing home a new baby. You know what I don't see? Hardly anything about anything for older kids. So let's do something about that.

This is a list of items that are used on a regular basis by us or Jillian, our 3 year old.



1. Pull-Ups.
No, Jillian is not potty trained yet. Yes, we are working on it. But in the meantime, pull ups it is. Definitely something we use on a daily basis. Multiple times.

2. Wipes.
Yep, if we're still using pull ups, we're still using wipes. I've come to love the Huggies Cucumber & Tea scented, but that's just me.

3. Baby Shampoo

Yep. She's 3 years old and we still use baby shampoo. Actually, with Jena's sensitive skin (8 years old) she still uses it as well. Over the past 8 years we've definitely bought plenty of baby shampoo, and I don't see that stopping any time soon.

4. Sippy Cups

Can she drink from a regular cup? Yes. Does she also do thinks like put food in her cup, dump it on the table on purpose, and put her hand in it just because she wants to? Yep. So we still use a sippy for most drinking throughout the day. Regular cups pretty much just for dinner time when we can try to keep a closer eye on her.

5. Pacifier

Yeah, this one is as much for me as it is for her. She only uses it when she's tired or really upset, and then not usually for long. My oldest never took a paci, so this is new territory for us, and quite frankly I'm not ready for her to give it up.

6. Play Doh

This is definitely one of our favorite play items right now. Luckily for us it's pretty cheap. We picked up a Melissa & Doug play dough play set at the homeschool convention back in April, and it's been a big hit. Keeps both the girls playing quietly just about every day of the week.

7. Books

Right now Jillian loves to have someone read to her. When we're done reading a book she'll usually take the same book and go "read" to one of the pets or her dolls. It's fun for her and I know we're setting her up for success in reading later. The Llama Llama books are some of our favorites.

8. Band-Aids

Our little Jillian is our little monkey, which means like a lot of 3 year olds she gets lots of owies. Lately we've been going thru a box of bandaids just about every week. And that's just for legitimate owies. Her latest injury is a fingernail that fell off. She hurt the end of the same finger 4 times in a row, and unsurprisingly a couple of weeks later the nail started to fall off. I anticipate us continuing to use lots of bandaids until the new nail finishes growing in.

9. Baby Dolls

Our little Jillian is also a little momma. She has loved dolls since she was old enough to let us know her preference. Three years later she still loves playing babies. Baby Alive dolls are one of our favorites for both of our girls.

10. Bubbles

One of Jillian's favorite activities is blowing bubbles. It's nice now in the summer because I can send her outside with a big bottle of bubbles and I know she'll have a great time just blowing bubbles and popping them.

Well, I think that's our Top Ten for Jillian. Anything you'd add?

Check back soon for a list of the Top Ten Items We Use with an Eight Year Old.

As always, thanks for checking in!

My Expertise

So recently I read something that said you should identify at least one thing that you could consider yourself an "expert" at. Honestly (and a little sadly) I was at a loss. So I asked my family.


Jason (husband):

- NSFW 


Jena (8 years old):

- being a mom and loving us


Jillian (3 years old):

- playing on your phone


My Dad:

- debating


My Mom:

- researching


Stephanie (one of my besties):

- engaging others in intelligent conversation without being condescending or dogmatic




I'm noticing a theme among the adults. Well, the adults I don't sleep with anyway, LOL.

Debate. Research. Engaging in conversation. Maybe that degree in history did pay off, huh?

So what about you? What are you an expert at?

As always, thanks for checking in.

Trip to Chicago

Last month Jason had the opportunity to attend a marketing workshop in Chicago, so we decided to bring the girls along and make it a family trip.

We started out by stopping at the Indianapolis Children's Museum on the way. This is really a must-see for any families that live in the MidWest. The exhibits are fantastic and educational. We've been several times, and our girls just can't get enough of it. This time the girls' favorite exhibit was the circus exhibit. So much to do hands on! We ended up spending most of our time there. Check out our video to see some of the things we got to see and do there.

Once we left the Children's Museum we stopped for the night in northern Indiana. The next day we made our way into Chicago. As many times as I've been there, I never get used to how crowded it is! People (and cars!) everywhere!

While we were there we were able to meet up with my best friend from college. Gaby & I have so many differences, but we have been there for each other for over 20 years now. It's amazing when we get to see each other in person finally. I love her so much!

The next day, while Jason attended his workshop, the girls & I went to the highlight of our visit: a trip to the American Girl store! Jena got one for her last birthday, and Jillian had been asking for one for months. Since Jillian's birthday overlapped with our trip, we decided to get her one as her "big" present from us. Jena too, had been wanting another one, and in fact had been saving her money for months, trying to save enough to get one.

I really am so proud of her. From her 8th birthday & Christmas she had about $40, but if you know anything about American Girl dolls, that's not even close to enough. The rest of the money she earned thru soccer and chores.

For soccer, midway thru her first season as goalie Jason had agreed to pay her $1 for every goal she stopped, but take away $2 for any goals that got thru. At the time this was maybe $4-5 per game, tops. Usually $1-2. Then indoor soccer started. Ends up indoor soccer moves at a faster pace, and strikers tend to get off more shots on goal. With our daughter being one of the top goalies in her age group, more than half of her games were shut outs. She stopped as many as 27 goals in one game, without letting a single one through! I'm not gonna lie, she cleaned up on that deal!

For chores, she earns money for chores. The amount is rather small though, ranging from 5 cents to 50 cents per chore. She worked really hard because she wanted that doll, and some weeks earned as much as $8.

She saved every dollar, and by the time of our trip had enough to not only purchase the doll of her choosing, but get two outfits for it too! I'm so proud of her for her hard work to earn the money, and the self-restraint to save it for a large purchase. That can be hard for many adults, and my little girl si only 8 years old.

Check out this video to see how excited the girls were when we told them about going to the American Girl store, and some of our time there.

We had such a nice time in Chicago. It's a lovely city, and of course I always get to see a good friend when we go.

Have you been to Chicago lately? What are your favorite sites to see there?

As always, thanks for checking in!

Coping with a husband being gone so much

** I originally posted on this topic back in 2011 when I was working full time outside the home. This is updated to add some notes now that I have a couple of years of experience as a stay-at-home and homeschooling mom and my children are older. **


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As a fire wife, one of the struggles is being home alone. A lot. Feeling like a single mom. A lot.

In fact, I have a whole new respect for single moms. And for military wives / moms. Because I know how hard it is with as much as Jason is gone, and I can't imagine being on my own all the time, or until he came home on leave.

It's important that you voice your frustrations to him. Not in a I'm-pissed-at-you-way, but in a I'm-frustrated-and-I'm-struggling-way.
He needs to know what you're going thru.

This is also a good time to ask him what his frustrations are with his schedule. Like missing out on kids' milestones, not playing with them as much, not enough date nights with you, etc.

It's important that the two of you at least try to understand where both of you are coming from, because you are both in very different positions.

You're not in the normal two-income family, where both parents leave in the morning, and both parents come home every night, Monday thru Friday.

You're not the normal one-income family, where he leaves in the morning and comes home every night. Depending on shifts and second jobs he's gone 24-48 hours at a stretch, or sometimes longer.

He's spending nights away from home, having dinner, spending time, and sleeping with other people, while you take care of the kids and the house by yourself after putting in a full day of work.

He doesn't have a "weekend", as his shift includes Saturdays and Sundays. He'll work holidays too, leaving you to handle the celebrations alone. He will miss your daughter's soccer games, even though they're on Saturdays. He will miss a lot of family events thru the years.

This creates stress and frustrations for each of you, but you each have a different kind of frustration.
He has the frustration of not being there, and you have the frustration of being there alone. It's very different, so you must communicate.

The fact is that being in a situation where your spouse is gone much of the time, well... it sucks. It just does.

As far as taking care of the children, and the house:

Things became much simpler for me when I just took Jason out of the equation, when it comes to taking care of the house and the kids.

You just do it yourself. If you need a sitter for some reason, you take care of arranging it, and you do what you need to do. You do all the daycare drop-offs and pick-ups, even if he's home. You plan on doing all of the housework, even if it's his off day. You handle all of the feedings, all of the baths. You feed all the pets, clean all of the poop (pet & baby - ha!). You get everyone dressed in the mornings, get everyone ready to go. Even if he's there.

Keep him in the loop on everything, but just accept it as what you have to do so he can do what he has to do.

This has really helped me / us. It doesn't make the actual work any easier, but it eases a lot of frustration because I don't feel I'm counting on him to do something that he's just not going to do.

And then when he does volunteer to take care of something, it's like a bonus. For everyone.

And that lowers everyone's stress level.

At the same time, you need to realize & accept that you can't do everything. Prioritize what's most important. Obviously taking care of your child(ren) is a must, but other housework, chores, etc.... prioritize, and do the top things first, even if they're inconvenient or unpleasant.

Give it some time & figure out what you can reasonably do in a day, a week, etc. Then talk to your husband and see if he can pick up some of the rest. If not, or if he's not sure, factor him out of the equation.

If that's just not a possibility, then your choices are paying someone to do it (ie. housework), or it just not getting done (ie. housework), or not getting done as frequently as you'd like (ie. housework).

Guess you can tell what doesn't get done at our house, huh?  (ie. housework - ha!)

And you both have to accept that. Because it's reality.

You can't beat yourself up because after working a full day outside the home, or spending hours each day schooling your children, taking care of the kid(s) by yourself, and the putting another couple of hours of housework in before bed, you're still not "done".

You will never be "done".

He can't come home expecting a clean & tidy house, perfectly stocked cupboard, and dinner on the table after you've been working full days outside of the home, or homeschooled the children, doing all (or the vast majority) of the childcare yourself, and all (or the vast majority) of the housework yourself.

It's not physically possible. It's just not.

Oh, you might have a mountaintop moment once in a while, but it's unreasonable for either of you to expect things to be maintained at that level.

And for all the SAHMs out there, one thing I figured out really quickly since becoming a SAHM is this little secret that those who work outside the home don't get (or at least I didn't, and I still think my husband doesn't):

If the kids are home all day, not in school, or pre-school, or in daycare, or wherever, then that means they have more time to make messes in the home. I totally did not grasp that until I started staying home. When I worked, sure messes happened, things were untidy, but the waking time that Jena was home was limited, therefore messes were limited. This is not the case when you all stay home every day. Not. At. All.

## side note - I determined my top priorities to be: laundry, grocery shopping, and doing the dishes. I figured if I could keep clean clothes on my family, food for them to eat, and clean dishes for them to eat off of, then I was doing pretty well. The rest I look at as bonus. ##

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As far as scheduling goes, we share a Google Calendar, that I can access at home or on phone, and he can access on his phone as well. This has helped immensely when it comes to scheduling even the little things.

I can see when is shifts are (because even though they are every 3rd day, like clockwork, I still cannot keep that straight in my head), when he has extra things to do, when he has jobs for the family business, etc.
He can see when I've made plans and he needs to be home. In fact, now that we have a family business, there are often days that I block his calendar so he or his brother don't schedule him work. I only do this if I really & truly need him to be available, or if we've discussed it and he's agreed. This is important. He can trust me to only block his schedule when I absolutely need him, and I can trust him to honor my requests in his schedule.


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He's doing what he feels he needs to do to provide for his family financially, and even if he might be willing to look at another career path eventually, well, it's not going to happen overnight.

So you just have to come to terms within yourself with the reality of your situation, as it is at this moment, and deal with it in the best way you can.

You make it work. You do what you need to do, and you make it work for your family.

It's not fun. It's not glamourous. It sucks. And sometimes it really, really sucks.

But you do it. You make it work.

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And there it is. My advice on how to handle your husband being gone so much.

Thanks for reading! And hopefully this will help someone out there get a handle on things! Does anyone have any advice to add?

Hello!

Well, hello there!

What can I tell you? So much, yet so little has happened in the past two months since I've written.

Jena is doing extremely well in 2nd grade. As you may remember we are homeschooling her. My biggest struggle right now is keeping her challenged and engaged. I think I've mentioned on here before that she is gifted, and it seems like I am constantly being shown exactly how intellectually gifted she is.

By her age, she should be in 1st grade. She is instead flying thru 2nd grade. We attended a co-op during the Fall, but even even at a 2nd grade level, she was so far ahead of what was being taught that it basically ended up being purely social for her. That, combined with how hard the day was on Jillian (and consequently myself), and we decided to pull out of the co-op for next session.

Most recently I let Jena test ahead (again) in Language Arts and Arithmetic. She was able to skip 22 lessons before she got less than an "A" on the test. Twenty two. Just over a month's worth. Just blazed thru it.

Her only struggle area is handwriting, but she has improved massively since last year. It's like something just "clicked" this year, most likely her fine motor skills, LOL.

She does do enrichment classes at a local education center once per week, lots of science & art mostly. That definitely helps.

For those with curriculum / educational philosophy knowledge, we have been doing a traditional curriculum for Language Arts & Arithmetic, with Social Studies & Science being more unit studies. I'm starting to look at integrating more classical education philosophies / activities into our schooling, as I think how she learns may lean more that way. We'll see how it goes. One of the lovely things about homeschooling is that we can tailor what & how we teach to our children's needs as we go along.

Which reminds me, I need to adjust our science teaching a bit, since she recently told me that she now wants to be an engineer when she grows up, so she "can design & build machines". Truth be told, we've been saying since she was itty bitty that she would make an excellent engineer, just by the way she looked at the world. I suppose only time will tell.

Jillian (now 20 months) is growing like a weed. Recently started escaping her crib, though not regularly. Another growth spurt though and we're in trouble. She finally started walking at around 18 months. That, combined with a couple of other seemingly minor issues, and I'm beginning to wonder if she has joint issues, specifically hypermobility. Her pediatrician checked her hips & knees at her 15 mo check up because of her delayed walking and said everything looked okay, but I'm considering seeing a specialist just to make sure. My niece has EDS (Ehlers Danlos Syndrome), and didn't get properly diagnosed until she suffered a dislocation of both knees at age 15. My sister has said they wish they'd known earlier because they could have been more careful and while they couldn't prevent the condition itself, they could have helped keep her from being in so much pain & discomfort, especially in the 2+ years she was dealing with back & joint pain before getting a proper diagnosis.

Our family business is doing very well, as evidenced by the fact that I am still a SAHM, LOL. I am so proud of Jason and the work he has done to make the business such a success. Speaking of, right now he is in Mexico on a mission trip, so please pray for his and the team's safety.

I suppose that's about it for now. Thanks for checking in.

Here Come the Holidays

Ready or not, they are barreling down on us at top speed.

Halloween barely behind us, we've started negotiations on our schedule for Thanksgiving with both sets of in-laws, and Christmas is on its heels.

So what is your holiday schedule like? Ours changes every year. Regretfully. I grew up knowing exactly where we were going to be at what time on every holiday. A decade of being together later, and Jason & I still haven't managed to work that out with our families.

Part of it is that we are working schedules with both sets of in-laws / grandparents. Growing up neither of us dealt with that or saw it dealt with. Other than our household, my family only ever went to my mom's extended family. Jason only ever went to his dad's extended family.

We are blessed to have relationships with both sides, but I have to admit it makes for a stressful holiday season! For me anyway, since I'm usually the one trying to work out the schedules for our little household. Trying to keep everyone happy is hard work! And usually doesn't work anyway! LOL!

So what do you do? How do you work out holiday schedules?

Till next time,

One Day: What I Do

So a few weeks ago I had someone (who shall remain nameless) come into my home and suggest that it looked like I did "nothing" all day. Essentially meaning my house was a mess.

I'm not gonna lie. It is.

But I do far from nothing. I go, go, go all day every day. I stay up late. I'm exhausted. So, even though I know they'll probably never read this, I thought just for my own edification, I'd track, just for one day, exactly what I do.

Here is what I did on one random Saturday. This did not count the four hours we took to make an impromptu visit to the fire house to visit Jason. So a relatively normal day, minus four hours of a special activity. This only counts what was done at the house.

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- washed & dried six loads of laundry
- folded & put away four loads of laundry
- let the dogs out four times
- changed three diapers
- prepared three feedings for Jillian
- prepared a meal or snack for Jena three times
- put a kid to bed three times
- bathed two kids
- fed Jillian twice
- prepared two baths
- checked the refrigerator for spoiled / outdated food
- cleaned out kitty litter
- fixed Jena's hair for the day
- helped Jena clean up a large amount of spilled water
- instructed Jena in homeschool session (approximately 2.5 hours)
- made our bed
- set clothing out for each of us
- sterilized bottles
- stocked diaper bag
- straightened up the entryway
- swept the entryway floor
- tended to a sick child
- tended to the wart on Jena's foot
- washed cloth diapers
- washed cloth diaper inserts
- washed dishes

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Maybe I just have unrealistic expectations, but considering I was gone for four hours, and an additional 2.5 hours was spent homeschooling, I think this list indicates someone being pretty productive. Far from someone who did "nothing".

Granted, very little of that had to do with cleaning or organizing my home. But very much of that had to do with taking care of my children's immediate needs, and much of the rest had to do with keeping our household running.

I'm trying to get my house clean & organized. I really am. Quite frankly, I'm completely embarrassed by it. But I'm also not sure what more I can do at this point. I may blog about that later.

Well, that's about all for now. Sorry I haven't blogged much lately.  Lots going on. I'll try to do an update post soon.

As always, thanks for checking in!

2014 Recap

* I originally wrote this in January, but apparently never hit "publish", so here goes*

So a quick recap of 2014:

March:
- Jason's business kicked off it's 2nd season


April:
- my employer announced that it will be closing the Kentucky location within the next 3 years and all jobs will be relocated. Mine specifically is going to Michigan.

May:
- Miss Jillian was born
- Miss Jena graduated from Kindergarten
- my parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary

July:
- we made a decision regarding both my job and Jena's education

August:
- after more than 10 years with my employer, I resigned my position

September:
- we began homeschooling Jena

October:
- our family's first trip to Disney World
- a trip to Chicago

November:
- Jason expands his business to include Christmas light installation (residential & commercial)

December:
- holidays (need I say more)

Hugs & Kisses

So I’ve made a parenting decision that seems to be stirring a bit of trouble. Ends up neither set of grandparents like the decision, and my mother-in-law actually finds it “rude”.

What could this be?

Well, I decided from the beginning that Jena would not be forced to give hugs or kisses as a greeting. Even to us. Even to grandparents.

This was a deliberate, thought-out decision.

My thinking is that I don’t ever want to teach my daughter that anyone has the right to obligate, coerce, or force her to show physical affection. Anyone. Including me.

My hope is that this type of thinking will stick to her, long past her childhood years, into her teenage years, into dating, and relationships, and quite frankly throughout the rest of her life.

In fact, dear readers, let me reiterate this teaching for you, in case no one ever told you:

No one has the right to obligate, coerce, force, or shame you to extend or receive physical affection. No one.

It’s not something that I plan on backing down from. I understand there are those who disagree; those who think that children should be taught to give hugs & kisses as greetings, especially to family members.

That’s okay. We’re just gonna have to agree to disagree.

With Jena, I can tell you it’s probably about a 50/50 shot whether or not she gives hugs. Kisses are very rare. This is whether it is me, Jason, my parents, or my mother-in-law. Outside of that circle, your chances of receiving physical affection of her of any sort are very slim.

And I’m okay with that.

Are there times when I would like a hug & a kiss instead of an outstretched hand followed by a loud “BYE!” ? Sure there are. She’s my daughter. I’d smother her with affection on a regular basis. Except she’s not comfortable with that. And I respect that.

Not all family members do

.

My parents have decided to respect our parenting decision, but they also let us know that it sometimes hurts their feelings if she doesn’t want to give them a hug or kiss.

My mother-in-law recently described Jena’s behavior as “rude” and “disrespectful”. When pressed for examples, not giving a hug or kiss every time they see each other was one of only two she could provide. And she’s upset that we don’t “correct” her behavior.

I’ll be honest,  I’m not sure how to handle this. I certainly don’t want my child to be truly rude or disrespectful, to anyone, let alone her grandmother. But I also am not backing down on this issue either. And since we’ve previously explained our stance on this, and why, to ask Jena to do otherwise, or to ask us to “correct” her behavior when she’s following the guidelines we’ve set forth, is quite  disrespectful to us as her parents.

At the same time, MIL appears to be quite upset about the “respect” issue, and since this is only one of two issues she brought up, part of me feels compelled to act. I just don’t know how.

Any thoughts, dear readers?

Kinda Sucks

Kind of a spinoff of my last post, although it wasn’t intended to be, this one is about the pain of breakups.

When the Ex & I broke up, as painful as it was, the pain that was totally unexpected was how it altered, and eventually (pretty much) ended the relationship I had with his family, and he with mine. It also altered our relationships with various friends.

It seems that most people (friends anyway) feel this need to pick sides. As if they can no longer be friends with both of us. So I became estranged from friends who chose him. And was pleasantly surprised when some friends I thought would choose to remain closer to the Ex, instead chose to stand by my side.

Honestly, guys, I would have been fine if you’d stayed friends with both of us, it would have been okay.

There are a few who managed that balance. But for the most part it seemed as if lines were drawn.

I think that’s something that most people don’t think about when a significant relationship is ending.

Two members of our family have recently gone thru / are going thru breakups of varying degrees. As painful as  I know the experience is for them, I’m also having a pity party for myself.

Because I’m losing two “in-laws” that I love dearly, whom I connect with, whom I don’t want to lose touch with.

But whom I also realize I probably will see less and less (if at all) as the years go by.

And I feel confident in saying that they feel the same way. They aren’t just losing their partner, they are also losing part of their family.

In one way, it’s beautiful how one relationship can branch out and flower into multiple close friendships & relationships. But when that relationship dies, it’s painful how the branches & flowers of extended relationships die with it.

Kinda sucks.

As always, thanks for checking in.

Putting it out there

Once upon a time I had a college sweetheart whom I was with for four years.

Once upon a time we broke up. Long story short, I’ve come to realize it’s because both of us were young & stupid. Mostly. And mostly me.

Once upon a time I loved Tom’s* family as my own. His mom & dad were like a second mom & dad to me. I loved his brother and sister-in-law, and their three kids. Family.

But then we broke up.

I kept in touch with his family for years after. In my mind, I saw no reason to end that relationship, just because my romantic relationship with him had ended.

I saw them several times a year. Usually in the Summer & Fall. And always at Christmas. We sent cards, exchanged cookies, had dinner. He never came, his parents always did. Sometimes my parents would join us.

And then we didn’t.

One Christmas I was moving out of my apartment, busting my butt to try to get everything packed & moved and the apartment cleaned all while navigating the normal holiday busy-ness. I was swamped, and so I politely declined the invitation.

As the next year approached, I didn’t see them during the Summer as usual. And I didn’t force it, or push the issue, even though I missed them terribly.

I chose to let my relationship with his family end, based on two reasons, both of which were directly tied to my new relationship with Jason:

1) I didn’t want to ever give Jason a reason to worry, or to think there was anything going on with my ex.

There wasn’t. Never was since the breakup. But I understand that me seeing his family regularly is a little… odd, and from experience I know that it’s easily misinterpreted. I wanted my new relationship to succeed, and wanted to stay away from any appearance of me not being over the past.

2) With Jason’s ex-wife still butting her head in the picture at that time (phone calls, texts, invitations to dinner, etc) I realized how I was probably making my ex’s then girlfriend (now wife) feel.

And it’s not a good feeling. That was never my intention, and I didn’t want her to feel the way I did when Jason’s XW came around.

And so I let my relationship with the family fall by the wayside.

But I still think about each of them regularly. Kay* & Frank*, my second mom & dad. Ed* & Cathy, their kids, Laurie, Kate*, & Carl*. I even think about Ed & Cathy’s dogs. Truth. I wonder how they all are doing, what they’re up to.

I wonder if they think of me.

I also carry a lot of guilt.

You see, Frank, someone who for so long was like a dad to me, passed away last year. Maybe you remember this post.

I wonder if he knows that I still loved him like family. That I still thought of him often, that I never really wanted to stop seeing everyone.

And so for the past year I have been carrying this guilt. I have contemplated contacting the rest of the family on numerous occasions, particularly Kay.

But… first I think I need to ask my husband’s permission, to avoid any issues. And how do you ask that question? Hey, you know my college sweetheart? I’d like to contact his mom.

And if he says okay, how do you start that conversation? Hey, I know we haven’t talked in seven years, but I really miss you? Awkward.

Oh, and because of other things that have been said in the past, I am 99% sure if I contacted the family this would totally piss off my ex’s wife. So there’s that to consider.

But at the same time, how do I not? Knowing, having seen firsthand, that we don’t have forever. Knowing that Frank died without me ever telling him how sorry I was that we lost touch. How can I not let the rest of them know what they mean to me?

So there’s really no point to this post. I’ve just been carrying around a lot of emotion surrounding this situation, especially for the past year. And I just wanted to get it out. Put it into the universe. So there it is.

As always, thanks for checking in.

**********
Names changed to protect the innocent. Or just the mentioned.

Check Your Boobs

I've been thinking about writing this post for a while now, but I'm having a hard time organizing it. So I'm just gonna ramble, okay?

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My mom is a breast cancer survivor.
My aunt is a breast cancer survivor.
My great aunt is a breast cancer survivor.
My friend from high school is a breast cancer survivor.
My co-worker is a breast cancer survivor.
My friend from college lost her battle with breast cancer.

In other words, I have been personally touched by breast cancer.

If you must know, I have had unexpected changes in my own breasts, so due to that plus my family history, have been getting regular mammograms since the age of 27.

Breast cancer, all cancer really, is a subject I take very seriously. Dude, cancer kills.

I've seen a lot of talk this year about pink. Everywhere. And there is, for some, a disdain for the pink.

source

Here's my take on the pink.

When my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, yes, I wore some pink. For some reason I wore more after she hit her 5-year-clear mark. I can't tell you why. I don't know. All I know is that it has to do with my processing of her disease.

My mom has never worn a pink ribbon. Ever. It's not something she feels compelled to do. Though she hasn't said it, I think it has something to do with not wanting to be defined by the cancer.

I think sometimes, for some people - and by "people" I mean those personally affected by the disease - being able to outwardly show support for patients, survivors, and victims is part of the healing process. It's part of their need to process what is happening to them or to someone they love.

I also think, that if for one month of the year, if putting pink on everything gets just one person to perform a breast self-exam, or if it gets just one person to think "maybe I should schedule that mammogram I've been putting off"... if blasting the world with pink results in just one life being saved... then how can I have distaste for that?

My friend, Julie, died at the age of 33 after a years-long battle with breast cancer. THIRTY FREAKIN' THREE.

Julie, as I remember her, in our college years and full of life (source)

Here's the thing: Julie found her lump because the news was doing a thing on breast cancer and self-exams. She had no family history of the disease. She was healthy & in her late 20s. But she checked on a whim because a news program was doing a thing on self-exams.

So I know that people check their breasts because of things like news programs, or seeing a sign, or maybe even seeing the world splashed in pink.

So blast the world in pink. I don't even care if companies make money off the pink (as long as they're not misleading consumers). But show the pink. Wear the pink. But more importantly... check your boobs.

33 years old. I know for a fact that there are young women out there who did their first self-breast exam because of Julie's story. You see, Julie was very public about her battle with breast cancer. Like, go-on-the-local-news, tell-anyone-she-sees public. And because of her openness and candor about her disease, there are women who did their first breast self-exam because of her story.

33 years old.

Don't let Julie's death be in vain. I don't care how young you are, I don't care whether or not you have a family history of breast cancer, I don't even care if you're a man. Check your boobs.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to have a good cry over the loss of my friend, and then to feel myself up.

Here's hoping you're doing the same.

List of Gratitude

If I'm being honest, I've been struggling a lot lately with a lack of gratitude. Well, more precisely I guess you could call it envy. I've watched as some of the people in my circle seem to be getting all of the things I long for. Sometimes it is so precisely exactly what I was wanting, that I almost want to accuse them of doing it just to spite me. Which is ridiculous.

So in an effort to help refocus my mind on what I do have, instead of what I do not, I've decided to do a gratitude post. Enjoy!

******************

I am thankful for:

my husband So many years I spent thinking I would never find anyone to love me (not forever, anyway), that I would possibly never be married, yet here I am. Married for 6 years now to my best friend.

my daughter She is the incarnation of every dream I ever had about motherhood. She is the fulfillment of my calling, my reason for existence. She amazes me every day.

our home I've always wanted to own land. Our little ranch house on 5.5 acres is perfect. Sure, I'd like to develop it some more: a barn, fencing, etc. But it's the living area I always dreamed of having.

our critters I can't imagine myself without sharing my life with some of God's creatures. Three dogs, two cats, and 10 chickens are enough. For now. I am thankful that none of us have allergies that prevent us from having these wonderful companions in our lives.

my family I am blessed to come from a large extended family, and can't imagine my life any other way. We gather religiously at every holiday, often in gatherings of 50 or more people. They are an amazing group, and a source of strength in my life.

my job While sometimes I lament not being a SAHM, the truth is I like my job. I work with people I genuinely care about, I've learned a multitude of new skills, I'm respected in certain circles, there is opportunity for broadening my horizons. Add to that decent pay and amazing benefits and I have truly been blessed in this area.

our church Our church is amazing. The outreach to the community, the opportunities to serve, the teachings, the friendships... we have gained so much by joining this particular house of worship.

our finances While things could certainly be better, and they have, we are doing okay. We can pay all of our bills, and even have a little left over. Plus we have some in savings. All in all, we're doing well.

social media I end on the medium that brought me to blogging: social media. I started blogging via MySpace, and eventually expanded to a "real" blog. I've met friends thru blogging that turned into real life friends, I've reconnected with old friends via MySpace & Facebook, I've met friends via message boards, and shared my thoughts on Twitter. Social media has been good for me.

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Please pray for me to continue to turn my mindset around. And as always, thanks for checking in!

Selah.

I wanted to post this when it first happened, as a prayer request, but I didn't have access for a couple of days. Then she was improving so quickly, it lost it's urgency.

But the truth is, prayers are still needed. Lots of them. And so I'm calling on my prayer warriors once again.

*******************

Two weeks ago my 19 year old niece was in a serious car accident. She was in the backseat, riding with a couple of friends, when they were t-boned by an SUV. There may or may not have been a semi involved (there are conflicting reports). The vehicle that hit them was estimated to be travelling at 70 mph at time of impact.

The driver was treated and released for minor injuries. We haven't heard from her since she was released. According to her twitter feed she is back to work and shopping for a new car.

The passenger is being treated for a skull fracture, and remembers nothing of the accident. She remains hospitalized.

My niece was brought in unconscious as a Jane Doe. She had no ID on her, and so hospital staff had to wait until the driver could identify her to notify family. She was brought in with a serious concussion, internal bleeding, a fractured vertebrae, broken ribs, and broken thumb.

Once a scan revealed no signs of brain damage, the internal bleeding was the most serious problem. However, within 36 hours it appeared that the bleeding had stopped.

Because of where they are, her vertebrae & ribs cannot be set. Her thumb is still so swollen that it cannot be set.

Perhaps more troubling is that she does have brain damage after all. Once her internal bleeding stopped, they moved her to a rehab facility. The neuro team there said essentially that her brain bounced around inside her head and is bruised "everywhere".

She still cannot remember anything from that entire day. She struggles to remember her name or to perform basic math problems. She cannot stand or walk. She cannot lean forward. She has no emotion, and is apathetic towards everything. She does not feel hunger, and does not care to eat. She has short term memory loss, and also seems to have a difficult time grasping new information.

The neuro team says that this is all normal considering her type of injury. They say her prognosis is actually very good, it's just going to take "a really long time" for her brain to heal from the bruising.

And now they think the internal bleeding has started again (why would it start again if she spends all her time in a hospital bed? is it possible that it never stopped? how do they even know this stuff anyway?).

In addition, they have discovered that the muscles of her hip have separated away from the bone and herniated. I don't really understand all the technicalities of this, but she will need surgery to have any hope of normal function. Unforunately the surgeon says her body is still too traumitized to withstand any non-life-saving surgery at this time. So they are looking at performing the surgery in the next 4 - 6 weeks, depending on her recovery.

To be honest, I try not to think about it too much. Because when I do, I end up crying.

Although the doctors say her long-term prognosis is good, it's still very scary. So scary. First we pleaded with God for her life, now we plead for her to return to "normal".

I hate that word. But I don't know what else to use.

I ask you to plead with me, asking God to continue to heal her body, for her to regain function, and for this entire experience to be used, in some way, to bring glory to His name, to draw her closer to Him.

Selah.

Miniature Golf

While on vacation last month, we stopped to play miniature golf at one of the many tourist attractions on Pigeon Forge.

It was fun. For the most part. Mini golf is a relatively new activity for Jena. She played her first two games on vacation last year, and fell in love. She LOVES miniature golf.

One thing we have not convinced Jena to do, is to use both hands. She typically stands directly behind the ball, and with one hand on the club, thrusts it forward, pushing the ball. Pretty far (considering).

Needless to say, we do not keep score. Not yet. This concept was difficult for my dad to grasp, and he kept a mental score in his head, up until Jena's meltdown. And even a little bit after that, I think.

We also had a hard time convincing her that you had to wait for everyone to finish before you moved on to the next hole. Probably because it's usually only the three of us, so the wait usually isn't as long as this time, when there were six of us total.

But at the end of the day, we all had a good time. And that's what matters, right?

Go-Carts

And now, I give you go-cart pictures.

Mostly you need to know that this was Jena's 1st (and 2nd) time on the go-carts, that she's in love with them and likes to go as fast as possible, that I'm pretty sure Jason likes them just as much, if not more, than she does, and... that my 70-year-old father rode them too.

Look out for the guy in the red shirt.

That's my dad.

And it makes me happy that he did something just for himself, just to have fun, for him.