Dreams and Schemes and Marriage

Recently one of my acquaintances was lamenting what she saw as a completely unrealistic plan her husband had for their family. She kept trying to explain to him why it wouldn't work, he kept getting mad at her for not considering it.

The discussion we had led me to think back through our relationship.

I'm reminded of some of the crazy schemes Jason & I have come up with thru the years. Some of them are pretty out there. The craziest one, in my eyes anyway, was when he told me he wanted to move to Haiti to run a farm. Seriously. Haiti. Look up the disease & crime rates on that one and think about moving there with your toddler. That was absolutely ridiculous to me. But I looked into it and thought about it, and discussed it with him anyway.

Haiti never came to fruition. In fact, 99% of our dreams & schemes don't pan out, whether they're his, mine, or ours. But you know what? Dreaming together can be so much fun. We've gone to look at land somewhere so many times I've lost count. We've gotten on the computer and looked at property on the other side of the country and talked about what would happen if we bought it sight unseen. I've googled the rates of disease in various foreign countries he wanted to move to. Jason & I have discussed how we would go about selling all of our worldly possessions. We've gone to open houses for homes we'd likely never buy.

We're actually in the midst of dreaming thru a crazy scheme right now. This one's been going on for months. We've both read articles & blogs, watched YouTube videos, even gone window-shopping for some things we'd need. I've done the math on our finances to see how feasible it is, did some more math to see what else we could do to increase the feasibility. It's a pretty big one. Possibly our craziest one yet. And we are both totally on board.

Not going public with our idea yet, although if it does eventually work out we will totally be inviting ya'll on our journey. But not yet. I did mention it in passing to my parents. They thought I was joking. Literally thought I was making a joke, so I let the subject pass. For now.

Jason & I have talked and dreamed together, window-shopped for our lives together, and we've had so much fun doing it. And I believe our marriage is stronger for it.

So the next time your spouse comes to you with an idea that seems a little "out there", give it a chance. Maybe it'll happen, maybe it won't, but I don't think you'll regret giving them the benefit of a doubt and dreaming together for a little while. Who knows? You may even come to love the idea.

As always, thanks for checking in!

Just Friends

Not that long ago, one of my friends mentioned that she was having lunch with one of her male friends. Just the two of them. She mentioned that she felt a bit awkward about it, even though there was nothing between them. There's an obvious chemistry between them, but they are "just friends", and I trust that.

Being one that's always had a lot of male friends, it got me thinking about my own relationships, past & present. One of the most significant romantic relationships I was in ended suddenly, and I've long wondered how much my male friends had to do with it. Not directly, but indirectly. At the time my best friend was a guy, and we would often go out just the two of us. We were very close, but we were "just friends". However, people being, well... people, rumors of impropriety abounded, my then-boyfriend expressed jealousies, etc, etc. Instead of addressing these things, I chose to ignore them as ridiculousness. Why should I care what other people think, as long as I know the truth? My boyfriend's insecurities were his own issues, right?

Wrong.

Looking back on it, I can see where I made mistakes. Things that I confided in with my male friend I should have been discussing with my love interest. That was a big one.

Knowing how things looked, I should have taken more efforts to make my inward commitment to my romantic relationship more outwardly apparent. And on and on.

This isn't to say I don't think you can have friends of the opposite sex. But let's face it, when you have chemistry with a girl friend - you hit it off right off the bat, enjoy each other's company, could talk for hours, etc. - it doesn't have the same implications as when you discover that type of chemistry with a guy friend.

And these implications aren't just those of outward appearances. Maybe you don't care if the world thinks you're cheating when they see out to dinner with a guy that's not your husband, as long as you know. But what does it do to your relationship? What insecurities might it raise within your husband's mind & heart? Where is your heart & mind? Do you really see this guy as just a friend, or do you let your mind wander to what could be?

For this reason I have chosen to not have close friendships with members of the opposite sex. Do I miss these friendships? Yes. Is my marriage worth the sacrifice. Absolutely. I'm not saying I don't have any friends who are men, I just choose to guard how close we get, and I strive to not be alone with them. The only man I'm interested in being alone with is my husband.

 As long as those relationships make you feel awkward, as long as you are keeping a check on things and checking yourself, it's good. It means that you care about your marriage. The awkwardness is an acknowledgement of the commitment you have made to another person. And that is a good thing.

When it becomes too comfortable... that's when you need to worry.

What are your thoughts? Do you maintain close relationships with the opposite sex?

Man! I (don't) Feel Like a Woman

About a week ago, as I made my way to the couch for one of my regular pumping sessions*, Jason jokingly asked if I felt sexy. I answered, seriously, by telling him that not only do I not feel sexy, I don't even feel like a woman.

And it's the truth.

* I am breastfeeding & pumping, but supplementing with formula as my supply is only enough to provide roughly half of Jillian's needed feedings.

The irony is I'm doing what might actually be the most feminine, most womanly thing possible: I carried and then birthed a child, and I'm feeding her from my breast - yet I don't feel feminine at all.

It actually started towards the end of my pregnancy, and hasn't changed yet. I feel like some androgynous lump filling some basic natural need in procreation. Like a machine or something. My gender, my sex seems irrelevant.

I think it probably originated from all of the issues I had with this pregnancy. Not only did I have much higher priorities (ie. the health of my child & myself), but I was horribly uncomfortable during pretty much the entire pregnancy. My body was not my own.

While we still had sex on a fairly regular basis, it wasn't with near the frequency as pre-pregnancy, and quite frankly I don't even remember the last time I enjoyed it. Let me be clear though, that it's thru no fault of my husband's. As previously mentioned, my body was terribly uncomfortable & sometimes painful, my belly was so large so early on that it was difficult to maneuver, and sex was just awkward for me.

I wanted to. My husband was terribly patient and understanding, and to do so was usually my idea. But again, there was no enjoyment for me, and I often felt more like some androgynous being simply filling a purpose.

And while I think it's born out of respect for me, and trying to give me and my body the space it needs to heal, plus the fact that he's been super-busy with his business, the fact is my husband now doesn't seem interested in me at all. Not even a little bit.

Why tell you about my sex life? Because I think it has a direct affect on how I currently feel about my gender identification, or lack thereof.

As did my wardrobe. I know this seems all over the place, but bear with me.

Finding plus size maternity clothes that fit my every-growing gigantic belly was hard enough. Finding clothes that looked cute became near-impossible. My belly grew thru three different sizes of maternity clothes during my pregnancy. Not only was 'cute' hard to find, but our budget couldn't handle much more of these complete wardrobe changes. Nor did I have a lot of time to search near & far for the perfect clothes.

Eventually I stopped trying for clothes that I looked good in, and settled for anything that fit my body, covered all the necessary parts, and bonus if it met my employer's dress code.

Weeks post-partum I still wear maternity clothes the majority of the time. Sometimes paired with one of Jason's shirts. I have so far found one of my pre-pregnancy t-shirts that is large enough for me to wear comfortably. One shirt.

Why tell you about my wardrobe? Because I think my difficulty finding clothes that I felt looked good on me has a direct affect on how I currently feel.

I wish I knew how to explain how I feel. Sure, plenty of times in my life I have felt unattractive, but this goes beyond that. I honestly don't even feel like a woman. Whether or not I am attractive hasn't crossed my mind in months, except for the purpose of working out how I'm feeling about these issues. Which also didn't even cross my mind until recently. It just was what it was.

And so I sit here, bathed in androgyny, waiting for something, someone to help me feel like a woman again. We can work on 'attractive' later. Right now I just want to feel like a woman.

As always thanks for checking in.

So, whose fault is it anyway?

Alright, I need to say this. Seriously, it’s a need. As in, if I don’t put it out there, I’m going to explode.

Recently a married couple who are close to me had their marital struggles come to a head when the wife discovered that the husband has been having an affair. For at least a year.

It sucks. It’s a horrible situation. I feel for her. My heart breaks for her. I pray for both of them. While I’m angry at him, I also know that part of him is hurting too.

But that’s not really what this post is about. This is about the reactions I’m seeing around me.

You see, my circle is (mostly) closer to him. I may be the only one in my circle who had a closer relationship with her.

And the reactions of those around me to the situation are blowing my mind.

Why?

Because there has been far more criticism of how she is reacting to the news, than to the fact that he did it at all.

You see, she chose to inform the world via Facebook. Now, not the best idea, I agree. And I think she agrees as well, as she deleted her original post announcing his cheating heart.

She now occasionally posts things about wondering how someone who was supposed to love you could be so mean, how heartbroken she is, etc. but nothing directly about the cheating.

But all I hear is:

“Can you believe she posted that on Facebook?!?”

“She shouldn’t have spread the word like that. It’s not helping anything.”

“Isn’t she thinking about their kids at all? Can you imagine reading that on Facebook about your own father?”

And so on and so forth.

Here’s the thing. I agree… to a point. But it would be much easier for me to agree with them if they said one word about what he did.

Where are the exclamations of:

“Can you believe he did that to her?!?”

“He shouldn’t have been unfaithful like that. It does no good.”

“Wasn’t he thinking about their kids at all?!? Can you imagine being unfaithful to your children’s mother?!?”

What bothers me isn’t so much the criticism of her actions (Although, personally, I’m not in that position, and I’m also a firm believer in if it happened to you then it’s your story to tell. If she finds it helpful to put it out there, it’s her story), what bothers me is the lack of criticism of his actions.

How can you criticize her reaction to the news, but not be just slamming him for what he did to cause the news? He broke his marital vows. He cheated on his wife of 20 years. He snuck, and lied, and cheated.

How can you criticize her reaction without judging him for creating the news? After all, if he had never done it, she would have nothing to talk about.

Again, do I think plastering such information on social media is the best way to handle these situations? No. But then again I’m not in her position (and by the way, neither are any of the people making these critiques of her actions).

But it blows my mind how they can feel comfortable criticizing her, without judging him 100 times as harshly for his actions.

And it’s kinda pissing me off.

That's all for now. As always, thanks for checking in.

Hurtful Words

I've been struggling a bit with some of Jason's behavior.

Nothing big. No one big thing. Just small comments, here & there, over & over.

Comments about my cooking, housekeeping, me being out of shape, grocery shopping, dealing with Jena, really anything. Some really random & small things, some really random & small comments. But the thing they have in common? They are negative & hurtful.

His words lately I have found hurtful and harsh, but what has compounded it, is that he doesn't seem to realize he's doing it.

I mean, if he meant it, I could be all pissy and angry and just yell at him and get over it.

But he genuinely doesn't seem to realize when he's doing it, and yet he can't seem to stop, even after I've pointed it out.

And then I stumbled across this article that I bookmarked a couple of years ago:

The Hard Conversations: When Harshness is Brought Home

Some key points:

"Firefighters are a tough breed... To cope, to survive, it is only natural that they get a little “hard-hearted.”... Harshness should not and must not be allowed to continue, as it is a very destructive force within a marriage. The answer is this: You must be able to have the hard conversations. Spouses of firefighters must tell them when they are being too harsh, in a constructive way."

If I remember correctly, I wasn't having these issues at the time, but I could see where they might be lurking, so I bookmarked it for future reference. Aren't I glad I did.

Jason is indeed "a tough breed". A man's man. He is strong and tough. I can probably count on one hand the times I have seen his softer side during our marriage. Everything is hidden behind the rough & tough exterior. Yep, that's him.

I don't think this issue is exclusive to rescue workers, but I do think that perhaps there is a greater propensity for it in firefighter marriages, as well as perhaps police, military, etc.

And I do think no matter what the reason, it needs to be addressed. For me the struggle is: how to address the hurtfulness?

How do I mention it, when I've already mentioned it? I don't think there's any one answer. Just as each of us is different, each of our marriages is different, therefore there is no one magic formula that will work for every couple.

So I will bring it up. Again. I will try to do it softly, without nagging or whining. And I will pray that his heart & mind are open to hearing it.

As always, thanks for checking in.

A Letter to the Well-Intentioned:

For the past few years,  you have been inquiring as to the size of our family, asking when we would bless Jena with a sibling.

For the past year, it has happened more frequently. One of you approaches me with this question at least once per week.

Quite frankly, it is none of your business.

Just as it was none of your business the first time around.

But for the record, here's the deal:

- in my younger years, I was informed by my physician to expect fertility issues. There is a very good possiblity that Jena is our miracle child.

- I had severe complications from my labor & delivery with Jena. This makes having another child really scary for me and my husband.

- I struggled with Post Partum Depression for over 2 years following the birth of my first child. This not only postponed the time until I was mentally well enough to even consider having another child, but also adds an additional concern to having another child.

- I've been struggling with pituatary issues for over two years, and have also dealt with various other health concerns.

- we have been trying to conceive, and suffered a miscarriage three months ago.
- I was recently informed by my physician, that because of my ongoing pituatary issues, I am most likely not even ovulating any more, and if we do conceive at this time, am unlikely to carry a pregnancy to term

So there it is. All laid out for you. Now you know the in-a-nutshell version of why we haven't had more kids yet. Thanks for reminding me weekly of some incredibly painful moments in my life. I especially enjoy when you do this loudly, and in public.

By the way, while we're at it, stop asking anyone when they're having kids, getting married, finding a new job, etc. unless the other person invites you to discuss that topic. Despite public results the path to getting to any milestone in life is a very private journey. So knock it off.

Thank you for your kind consideration in this matter.

-- Jodi

Giving it to God

So, you know that financial goal that we're supposed to meet before we start trying? Well, we met it a bit ago.

Ta da!

So now, the big question is exactly when do we TTC? Obviously we didn't rip my Patch off that night, LOL.

I have some other medical stuff going on right now, so current thinking is we'll wait to see how that goes.

We also have a couple of family & relationship milestones coming up, so we've tossed around the idea of waiting until one of those. I guess the idea is it would make it more meaningful.

Although as I type that out it sounds stupid. How much more meaningful than attempting to create life can you get?

And the truth is that we're both nervous. Really nervous. Scared, even.

Jason won't say it, but I think he has a lot of the same fears that I do - will my PPD come back? anxiety? will our marriage weather another child?. I think he also worries about money more than I do. While I don't believe in being stupid, we're in a good position, have met several financial goals, are on the right track, and so... God will provide. I'm definitely much more of a "God will provide" mindset.

The other night I had a moment of doubt. A moment of fear, really. Can I do this? Can we do this?I mean, I'm happy. Ridiculously happy. I adore Jena. I don't ever want anyone (especially her) to think this comes from some place of thinking that she wasn't enough for me. Our family dynamic is good. Financially we are in a great place with only one child. We can give her the world. Having another might change that.

And as all these second thoughts, and fears, and doubts were running thru my mind, I also felt that familiar tug, that pull at my heart telling me our family is not yet complete.

And so, I gave it up.

I talked with God for a bit.

I believe in my heart that there is someone missing from our family. That has not changed over the course of several years. And so, in the near future we will stop our birth control. And give it to God. I asked him that if my heart is correct, and there is someone missing, that He will send us our child. And if not, then not. After all, He is ultimately in control. I told God that if He does bless us with another child, then I will trust His decision, that we can handle this, that everything will be okay, and that He will guide us thru any troubles that might come.

And if He does not see fit to grant us another child, then I will accept that as well. If it takes five years, if it never happens, I will leave it to Him. He knows best. His timing is best.

I am not saying I will not be sad, or disappointed, or confused, if we aren't blessed with another child, simply that I will dwell with peace in my heart, because I have given it to God. He is in control. Not me. Not us. Him.

As sure as I know my name

As much as there is a huge part of me that feels like our family is not yet complete, like there is another tiny soul out there, waiting for us...

there is another part of me that is terrified to go thru my post partum illnesses again, scared that our marital issues will dredge up again with the stress of a newborn, worried that because I struggled so much with one, I'll never be able to handle two.

In my head, I know that there is no reason to think my post partum illnesses will recur, or if they do that they will be as bad or last as long. Especially since now we know in advance what we're up against. But it still scares me.

And I know there is no reason to think our relationship issues will repeat. But then a tiny voice says "but there's no reason not to think that either"

And I know that I have more experience now, a better handle on not just motherhood, but life, and that God won't give me more than I can handle. But I still worry.

But deep down, in my soul, I can feel that our family is not complete. I can't explain it. I don't know how to properly put it into words. I don't know the how's or when's, or even the why's... but I know we are meant to be a family of four. I know it as sure as I know my name.

Apprehension is normal, right?

Eeek! It's getting closer! Quite frankly, it makes me really nervous.

The milestone we want to achieve before TTC is a financial one. And thanks to Dave Ramsey, it keeps getting closer & closer. The way things are right this very minute, we'd start trying in just a few short months.

But... because we're doing so well on the program, making extra payments, etc... it's likely to be even closer than that.
Eeek

We talked about it over the weekend. We both have concerns because our marital problems did start soon after Jena was born. Will another child be another stressor to our lives that we have difficulty overcoming? Both individually and together?

I worry about being able to handle another child, considering I currently do 95% of the childcare, and 90% of what-little-housework-manages-to-get-done.

Of course, we both worry about how Jena will adapt to not getting all of the attention, not only from us, but from grandparents, aunts & uncles, etc (she's the 1st grandbaby on my side, and the only one in town - and the 1st girl born on Jason's side in 2 generations, and the only child under the age of 15). Let's just say she may not be spoiled in material goods, or lack of structure/discipline, but she is definitely spoiled when it comes to the amount of undivided attention she gets.

If I'm being honest, I do go back & forth.

Between my brain... and my heart.

Because in my heart I do not feel like our family is complete just yet. I feel like there is somethingone missing.

I don't want to make any stupid decisions, but at the same time I don't want to end up at 50 yrs old, deciding NOW we can handle it, still feeling this ache in my heart, only now it's too late.

I think it is time. And I imagine most of our apprehension is normal. Right?

Anyway, we did toy with the idea of waiting a bit longer to start TTC, even if we reach our financial milestone before then. My reasons are heart-reasons. Jason's reasons are mind-reasons. Typical, I know, LOL.

In the meantime, I'm preparing. I go for my yearly at the Ob soon, and will be discussing it with him, including anything I might possibly be able to do to avoid the difficult L&D experience of last time. I plan to bring up the idea of a scheduled C-section. Although not usually a fan, I do understand that there's a chance that will be the safest route for me & (hopefully future) baby.

I've quit my endocrine meds cold turkey, due to side effects. I don't see him again until next month to discuss alternative treatment options. Honestly though, as long as my endocrine levels remain normalized, I'd be okay with not going back on anything, especially considering we may TTC in the near future (the meds I was on I would have to quite a full 60 days prior to TTC to avoid birth defects & other complications).

We even gone so far as to discuss whether or not Jena would attend school while I'm on maternity leave. I say 'yes'. First of all, to give me some time to adjust to baby #2, and secondly because she won't really be in "pre"school anymore. She'll be at least in kindergarten, and that would be a lot of time to miss from "regular" school.

We've also discussed the financial impact. How this time we can start saving as soon as we TTC, or before, how we have a better idea of what to expect (not just financially either!), how our new insurance actually covers more maternity costs, how since I'm now a permanent employee I can get paid short-term-disability, etc, etc, etc. We were in a pretty good place financially before. But this time we will be in a much better financial place.

So much so that I should be able to take a full 12-week maternity leave without serious repercussions to our budget.

Which is good, because I'm planning to. Six weeks may be enough for most some, but it definitely was not for me. And no, not in a I-don't-wanna-leave-my-baby way, but in a medical- and emotional- preparation way, due to medical complications & Post Partum Depression. I'd rather plan for 12 weeks off, not need it all, and end up with some extra home-with-baby time, then plan for 6 weeks, then end up needing more time, like happened before.

So I guess... that's where we are right now. A bit long, I know, but thanks for checking in!

It means a WHOLE lot

Last night we reviewed our monthly budget.

The financial targets we (Jason, LOL) want to hit before TTC are on schedule to occur within the year.

In fact, with some funds we are expecting to receive in the next few months, it may be in nine months or less.

This makes Jason nervous, LOL.

Me too, actually.

We briefly discussed what we would do to prepare financially once we TTC. Minimum of 10 months to build up additional savings (prior to that we will be hammering down debt).

We also briefly discussed the feasibility of me staying home after #2 (hopefully) comes.

I'm not gonna lie... as excited as I am at the prospect of adding to our family, I'm also very anxious. But with regards to our marriage, the fact that Jason is talking about having another child... well, sometimes I think him being willing to discuss it actually means more to me than the fact that he said 'yes'.

Just knowing that he was open enough to the idea to listen to me, to strongly consider something I wanted so badly, without just dismissing it without consideration... yeah, that means a whole lot.

And the fact that he's come around? Well that's just awesome.

Thanks for checking in.

"You don't even have a period!"

So, this happened in our house the other night, two days after I bought a carton of strawberry ice cream because it's my favorite. Not that I wouldn't share, but when your favorite food is in the house, it's pretty clear who has dibs, right?

Wrong.

*note* this story is meant to be read in an overall good mood, with laughter infused throughout. Not sure that came across well in writing.

Jason: {{ sits down on the couch with a huge bowl of strawberry ice cream }}
Me: Where's mine?
Jason: I didn't know you wanted any.
Me: Why didn't you ask?
Jason: I didn't think you'd want any.
Me: Liar. {{  pouts, goes back to Facebook }}

10 minutes pass

Me: Guess I'll get my own snack, since my husband didn't even think to ask me.
Jason: I thought about it. I just didn't.
Me: That's even worse! Jerk. {{ gets up & goes to kitchen }}
Me: {{ opening freezer }} Where's the ice cream?
Jason: I ate it all.
Me: You what?!?
Jason: {{ looking sheepish }} I ate it all. I didn't think you'd want any.
Me: Liar. {{ pause }} That's why you didn't ask, isn't it? You knew if you asked me, you'd have to share!
Jason: No.
Me: Liar. And I can't believe you ate the entire carton in two days! I didn't even get one single bite!
Jason: {{ starting to laugh }}
Me: {{ trying not to laugh }} Here I am, on my period, and you ate all of MY ice cream. My favorite kind. You don't even have a period.
Jason: {{ laughing harder }} Sorry
Me: {{ opening the cupboard }} Don't tell me you ate the rest of the Oreos too!
Jason: Sorry
Me: Are you kidding me?!? You ate all the ice cream & finished the Oreos? In two days?!?
Jason: Sorry.
Me: You are not! What am I supposed to eat now?!?
Jason: {{ laughing }} You said you wanted to eat healthier...
Me: {{ shooting him a death glare }} Shut up. Did you eat all the PopChips too?
Jason: {{ trying to suppress his laughter }} yes.
Me: That's for my lunch! You know I pack those for my lunch!
Jason: I got hungry.
Me: Ugh! I can't believe you ate ALL the snackfood in the house in two days! And you're gone tomorrow so I can't even make you go to the grocery! So I'll have to make an extra trip to the grocery store after work tomorrow, even though YOU ate all the food! But I can't because it'll already be a late night because we have gymnastics! Grrrr!
Jason: {{ laughing riotously }}
Me: This is not funny. Don't you know better than to take snack food from a woman on her period?
Jason: {{ laughing so hard he can't breathe }}
Me: {{ laughing at him, laughing at me }} You know what, go to the store! You owe me! You never once went while I was pregnant. Go make up for it now!
Jason: {{ laughing so hard tears are rolling down his face }} you really want me to go?
Me: Yes.
Jason: I'll go.
Me: You'd better.

And then, he got up and drove to Kroger at 10:45pm and bought me strawberry ice cream. And chocolate chip. And even got a different brand, because our regular brand only had strawberry yogurt stocked, and he figured that probably wouldn't do (he'd be right, for some reason I despise strawberry yogurt).

And he never complained once.

He even stayed up with me while I ate a bowl of ice cream, even though he was really tired (true story, by the time he came back I didn't even want it anymore, but figured I'd better eat it as a gesture of good will).

And then... I fell a little deeper in love with that man.

5th Anniversary Trip

For our 5th wedding anniversary, Jason & I celebrated by heading down to the Smoky Mountains. Mostly because we found a heck of a deal online. But also because we love the area. It's somewhat fitting as well. We went there on our first ever trip together when we were dating, and back there again for our babymoon when we were pregnant with Jena. And now back for our 5th. It's amazing how time flies...

 

I saw my very first Elvis impersonator at the American Oldies Theater

 

Tested my fear of falling by visiting the Sky Bridge

 

Saw lots & lots of beautiful fall colors

 

Spent a lovely week with my goofball husband

 

Sat in hours of traffic trying to get back home

 

Laughed at typos on signs at major attractions

 

Walked to the top of Clingman's Dome

 

 

Stopped at Cataloochee Visitors Center

 

Where I saw my very first (thru 11th) real-live-elk ever

the guy in red is totally about to get yelled at by the park ranger

 

Stopped on the way out of the mountains to hike to Soco Falls

 

 

Enjoyed every last minute that I got to spend with this man.

Jena on Marriage

Who remembers this scene from Friends?

If you don't wanna watch the whole thing, fast forward to time mark 7:45 and watch till the end.

So, the following conversation happened in our house the other night.

Jena: I don't want to get married. Ever.

Me: Okay.

Jena: (clearly upset) But I have to.

Me: No you don't. Plus, you have plenty of time to decide.

Jena: Yes, I do.

Me: No, you don't. You know mommy's friend Miss Lori*? She's not married. Neither is Miss Brandi, or Miss Teri, or the other Miss Lori. They're not!

Jena: They're not?

Me: Nope.

Jena: Why not?

Me: Well... maybe they don't want to be married either. Or maybe they just haven't found the right person yet. All kinds of reasons. They're just not.

Jena: But I have to.

Me: No. You don't. If you grow up, and you really don't want to get married, you don't have to get married. Okay?

Jena: Okay.

Me: But hunny, can I ask you a question?

Jena: Uh huh.

Me: Why don't you want to get married?

Jena: (starting to cry, and said in the most pitiful whiny voice ever) BECAUSE THEN I HAVE TO LIVE WITH A BOOOOOYYY !!!!

*************************

*all names changed to protect privacy

My Thoughts on Gay Marriage

Since this has been such a hot topic lately, both in the news and in my owns circles, I wanted to do a post on it, only to realize I already had. This is an update on that original post.

**************************

The more I hear about the issue of gay marriage, the more I don't really care.

Now, I know, that sounds a bit harsh. But the truth of the matter is that as long as it's between two consenting adults, I don't really care.

I certainly don't think the government has the right to limit the activities of two consenting adults who aren't hurting anyone else, themselves, or property.

And I don't think the government should be involved in anybody's marriage. Not heterosexuals, not homosexuals, not polygamists. Whether or not two people are joined in marriage isn't the government's business.

Let me explain.

Marriage is an institution put in place by God. Therefore, it is at it's core between a man, woman, and God.

No one else.

Yes, biblically speaking, marriage is to be between a man & a woman. The Bible is very clear about where God stands on homosexuality, and all referances to marriage are always in reference to husband & wife, or man & woman.

But is it right for our government to uphold what is essentially a spiritual belief? I say 'no'.

The decision to marry is a very personal, private matter. While the decision should be rejoiced, at the same time who is involved in the decision should be left between the two people and God. Period.
Where it gets murky is because a lot of benefits, tax breaks, etc. are specifically given only to married couples. Well, quite frankly, I have thought this was wrong since my single days. You're refusing me a benefit because I'm single / gay / have 3 wives? Sounds like discrimination to me.

Why not permit one "civil union" between 2 adults, regardless of gender, for tax & benefit purposes, and leave it at that? Leave marriage itself as the sacred institution it is, not a government decree.

And while yes, I believe homosexuality is a sin, it doesn't mean I think it's okay to disrespect or discriminate against those who practice a gay lifestyle. That's not okay at all.

We are all sinners.

"For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;" -- Romans 3:23

Do I believe that marriage should be reserved for a man & a woman? Yes. The Bible tells me that.

Do I think that the government has a right to decide who can & who can't get married, or put any other limitations on the institution of marriage? No.

Blessings

Physical Blessings:

1) No serious medical issues yet this year
2) My back is stable (not worsening)
3) Jason is healthy & strong as ever
4) Jena is healthy & growing well
5) All the pets are relatively healthy


Financial Blessings:

1) We can feed & clothe our family, and pay our mortgage
2) We have good benefits, including affordable health coverage
3)  Our car is almost paid off
4) We are on target to be debt free (excepting the house) within 2 years max
5) We can afford a few extras


Mental Blessings

1) My issues with depression & anxiety appear to be (mostly) over
2) So far I see no signs that my PPD will lead into Clinical Depression
3) My job is providing me with enough challenges to stretch me, but not enough to stress me
4) Jena has tested above her age group in all developmental milestones
5) I haven't had writer's block in months


Spiritual Blessings

1) Mine & my husband's salvation
2) So many answered prayers & visible miracles
3) Continued growth in the Lord
4) Finding my "fit" in our church home
5) Spiritual battles won


Answered Prayer

1) TheBoy's miraculous recovery
2) Continued growth & healing in our marriage
3) Promises fulfilled
4) Safety for Jason on the job
5) Unspoken


Today's Blessings

1) We all woke up this morning (and healthy too!)
2) We both have jobs to go to
3) My parents watching Jena
4) We can talk during the day
5) Phone call from a friend

**********************

this post inspired by this post

Christian Divorce - part 1

*disclaimer* I am not divorced, nor am I getting divorced. nor am I a trained theologian. these are just some of my thoughts

I was raised in a very conservative Christian home. We attended very conservative churches.

One of the things I was taught growing up is that divorce is wrong. Period.

Growing up, the only family member I knew that was divorced was one of my great aunts. Her ex-husband had been abusive. That's about all I know.

She never re-married. Never really talked about it. From what I understand it was primarily because of verses in the Bible that say if your spouse is still living, and you "lie" with another, you are committing adultery.

I suppose she divorced him legally to protect herself, but spiritually she saw that they were still married? It's a common belief among certain churches.

The next time the topic of divorce came up in my life was in my teenage years, as my older sister was going thru a divorce. Her husband had had an affair, struggled with pornography, (insert lots of other stuff), and (if memory serves) while she struggled to work things out, he asked for the divorce.

She struggled a lot during that time, and I'm sure part of the reason was because not only did her church teach against divorce, she also received "talks" from her own mother, and grandmother, about why divorce was wrong.

It was during her own study that she came across this verse: 

It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement: But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.    -- Matthew 5:31-32

That phrase "saving for the cause of fornication" - this is what we call a Biblically justified divorce.

But I always struggled with another cause for divorce, my great aunt's, abuse. I had a hard time believing my God would ask someone to stay in a truly abusive marriage. That just didn't make sense to me, and seemed to contradict other parts of the Bible.

And then in my early 20s I met a friend who was attempting to divorce her husband, who had abandoned her & their son. And by "abandoned", I mean abruptly left them and moved several states away. It took her years to locate said husband so she could file the papers. Would God really hold her responsible for a marriage in which the other spouse had quite literally left the marriage?

Faith and religious beliefs are a journey for me, and I can tell you I usually know I've found my answer, when I have peace about a subject; when it no longer causes internal conflict, "For God is not the author of confusion..."    -- I Corinthians 14:33a

And one day, in my late 20s, I heard a message about divorce that made a whole lot of sense, not just logically, but Biblically.

I wish I had taken (or could find) better notes.

The sermon was delivered by the pastor of the church we attended at the time, and in that sermon he revealed that there were three Biblically justified reasons for divorce: Adultery, Abuse, and Abandonment.

As he expounded on each, providing Scriptures for each, I felt the pieces of the puzzle come together. And I've not struggled with this topic ever since.

Again, I'm not a theologian. And I know there are plenty of people who disagree with me, on both sides - that there are more reasons for divorce than just those three, and that there is no justified reason for divorce.

But... these are my thoughts, and until I find greater Biblical cause to change my thoughts, it's safe to say they are my beliefs on the topic.

As always, thanks for checking in!

How FireMan Proposed

We had been dating for about a year, living together for around four months. We had known for a while that our relationship was headed for marriage, we both agreed on that, we just didn't agree on timing.

I wanted sooner rather than later. If we knew it was right, why wait? I had already spent four years in a committed relationship only to have the guy walk out on me unexpectedly.

FireMan wanted to wait. He had proposed to his first wife after only a few months, and he always wondered if one of the reasons their marriage didn't last is because they didn't know each other long enough before getting married.

So... what to do? We didn't know.

We went to dinner with his parents, then the two of us headed to a UDF for ice cream (my husband is an ice cream freak).

We were standing at the counter, had just ordered, when he put his arms around me.

"So... when are we getting married?"
"You have to ask me first."
{{ insert long pause }}
"Will you marry me?"
"Okay."

The clerk brought our order, and we went into the parlor to eat.

Once we finished, we climbed back into the truck.

"What should we do now?"
"I think we should go to the mall and buy a ring before you change your mind."
"Okay"

And so we did.

When I Knew I Wanted to Marry Jason

When Jason & I started dating, I was a bit gun-shy.

I had been in three previous relationships, and in each of them the guy had brought up marriage first, only to break up with me later.

I didn't trust it. I had spent so much time in each of those (especially in the first - four years with my college sweetheart) dreaming of being married, looking wistfully at wedding magazines, and in two of them - even looking at engagement rings.

I had been burned bad. And I didn't want to even think about marriage, weddings, or proposals.

Oh, I wanted to be married, for sure. I just had been hurt so badly before I didn't allow my mind to go there. Not really.

But one day, about three months after we started dating, I was staying at Jason's house while he went diving with his buddies (at this point I don't remember why I was staying there, but I was). I was sitting on the couch, surfing the internet and came across one of my friends' pages on theKnot. I read it, looked at her stuff, blah, blah, blah, and then wandered thru the site.

Before I knew it, I realized I had been daydreaming about my wedding... our wedding.

And I smiled. Because it didn't scare me at all.

Not even the slightest hint of anxiety. None.

And that, is when I knew.

Seven Wants

1. Restored marriage

2. Babies!

3. Balance

4. More time

5. Peace

6. Horses

7. Calm

It probably comes off looking like pride...

... but I swear it's not.

I don't want to apologize anymore. To anyone.

It's not that I think I'm right all the time. Far from it.

It's that I'm tired of always being the one to say I'm sorry.

It just seems like lately - and by lately, I mean for the last few years - it seems like whether I am completely at fault, equally at fault, or a tiny bit at fault, it seems like I am always the one who apologizes, the one who takes the first step, the one who bends first, the one who takes the first effort to makes amends.

Am I talking about my marriage? Yes. I'm also talking about family relationships, friends, even work relationships.

And I'm tired of it.

Yes, I admit that sometimes I'm wrong. And I usually have no problem admitting when I'm wrong. And even if I'm only partially at fault - and let's face it, in most disputes both parties are usually partially at fault in some way - I'm usually willing to accept responsibility for where I have gone wrong, apologize, and try to heal the relationship.

It's just that... well, sometimes the other party has to be the one to say I'm sorry.

Let's face it. Statistically, it's an impossibility that everything is actually my fault.

But for me to be the one that always apologizes first, always takes the initial step to fix the problem in the relationship... well it leaves the impression that I am wholly to blame, and they get off scott free, never having to say "sorry", never having to adjust their behavior, never having to change anything.

So this time... I don't wanna say it. I wanna hear it. And I want it to be sincere.

And yes, I am accepting partial responsibility for the issue at hand. Partial. But I don't wanna say I'm sorry. Not because I don't think I'm at fault, not because I don't wanna accept responsibility, but just because I'm tired of it.

For once, I want the other party to take the first step, to meet me halfway and to get there first, to make the first gesture that they want to repair the relationship.

Maybe it sounds silly. Maybe it sounds prideful. At this point, I don't really care.

It's partially my own fault. I think sometimes I'm too quick to make amends, too quick to try to make nice. Sometimes, believe it or not, I can be a doormat. I don't mean to be. I just like to be nice to people. And I want people to be happy. But sometimes in efforts to make people happy, it seems like I get lost.

And I'm tired of it.