Ramble

Ramble:

I don't really have a blog post put together, but I hate that my blog has set un-updated for so long, so here's some ramblings.

We got Ashes her puppy shots last weekend at a shot clinic held by a local rescue. Discounted shots, and $$ goes to help a rescue? Yes, please.

We also bought some flea treatment, because of course, now that we bring old dog and little dog in for the cold, NOW they have fleas. Which means the cats now have fleas too. Aaaagh!

We had a bad infestation of fleas at our old house. So I may or may not tend to over-react if I see so much as a speck of dirt that might possibly resemble a flea. Just sayin'.

Luckily we appear to have caught it early, and we're going into Winter, so we're hoping a one-month treatment will knock it out.

Ashes is roughly 30+ lbs now, at just 4 months of age. And her paws are still disproportionately large. Can't wait to see how  big she gets.

Old dog (Buddy) is definitely less tolerant of the cold. We now bring him in if it gets below 50 degrees. The good(?) news is that his hearing appears to be going as well, so he's not as gun-shy as he used to be. You know, because he can't hear them as well.

Molly is getting more friendly. Lately she's taken to finding me when I first get up in the morning and go to the bathroom. She literally runs to the bathroom and rubs my legs while I'm peeing. Hope that wasn't TMI. Not sure why she's picked that time to want affection, but it's kinda nice to have a friendly kitty good morning routine.

There are multiple co-workers who are sick right now, but who keep coming to work. And I don't mean a tiny little cough sick. I mean hacking all day, runny nose, red eyes, visited the on-site clinic sick.
Now, this bothers me usually. Why spread the germs? Why would  you do that? Go home. Rest.

And our company provides really generous sick leave. So take a day. Or two. Or five. Go home. Get your germs outta here!

But now that I'm pregnant (momma bear about protecting this tiny baby) and pregnant (can't take any medicine if I get your illness) I'm a getting more & more upset that they're not taking off. As in, not one of them has missed so much as one day. Grr!

Jena is doing really well in Kindergarten. She knows all of the sight words they're doing right now, so her teacher has altered the assignment so that instead of practicing reading her sight words every night, she's to practice writing the sight words every night.

By the way, I don't know why they teach sight words anyway. But that's a whole 'nother post.

Okie dokie. I gotta get going now. I'll try to write a real post as soon as I can.

As always, thanks for checking in!

Introducing Ashes

Wow. I just realized that I never told you about our new puppy.

About three weeks ago, we got a new puppy. She's perfect.

As Buddy has aged, he's gotten a lot slower, doesn't patrol the property as actively as in the past, has lost quite a bit of weight, and can no longer tolerate the cold.

Since he's our primary working dog, we knew we'd be looking for a new dog to take over his job in the near future.

So about a year ago, I began scouting dog rescues for a puppy that would meet our needs. We wanted another guardian breed (Anatolian, Akbash, and Great Pyrenees being our top three, in that order). And it must be a puppy. After the whole cat-aggression thing with Tootsie, I've decided that no more adult dogs in this house. As much as I love me some rescue dogs, I don't feel that it's worth the risk.

Add in that we need dogs that won't eat chickens either, and are okay around small children, and I really feel that, for now at least, there will only be puppies as new additions to our crew.

So, puppy. And with guardian breeds, they tend to imprint on what they are supposed to protect at really young ages (6-10 weeks). So, puppy.

After a year, I had not found a guardian breed puppy at a rescue. Plenty of adult dogs, no puppies.

So I started researching breeders. The closest Anatolian breeder that I found that I felt reasonably was responsible (ie. not a puppy mill nor a "back yard breeder") was in Texas. Add shipping into the price of the animal, and his pups would cost us nearly $1000.

So not happening. On a whim, I put a search into Craigslist. Sure enough, not often, but occasionally, there would be a farmer with guardian pups for sale, working parents on premises, etc. Good. Felt confident that when the time was right, we'd find the right pup.

Bored one day a couple of weeks ago I searched Craigslist again. There were pups for sale about an hour away from our house. Anatolian / Great Pyrenees cross. Working parents on premises. Raised with poultry.

It doesn't get much more perfect fit than that.

We went up to check them out. Yep. Perfect.

The dad was a huge Anatolian. Nearly twice the size of Buddy, who we refer to as our big dog (since he's lost weight, Buddy's down to 75 lbs - the dad was 140 lbs). Other than size, he was a dead ringer for Buddy in appearance and personality.

Mom was a "small" Great Pyrenees, weighing in at roughly 80 lbs.

After spending about 45 min talking with the farmer and observing & interacting with the pups, we chose one of the females. She was friendly but independent, whined less than several of the others, and just seemed to have a nicer personality. Add to that that she looked much more Anatolian than the rest of the litter, and that Jena picked her as her favorite... it was a match made in heaven.

{{ photo coming in the near future, when I figure how to get them off my camera without my laptop crashing }}

The week I almost became a thief

While on vacation last month, I seriously considered stealing two dogs. Seriously.

Our 2nd night in the cabin two dogs showed up on the front porch. A dachsund and a mutt. Extremely friendly, except... the doxie would pee whenever one of the men touched him.

Raise first red flag.

Since there were several other cabins in the area, we decided to wait, hoping they would return to their owners.

They were outside all night. We heard them barking. Outside in the mountains.

But the next morning, they were still there.

Jena was especially worried, so I made her the promise that before we left for home we would either find their owners, or call "the animal rescuers" (ie. the local humane society).

That next day, when we were loading into the car to leave, the doxie jumped into our drivers' seat. I tried to coax it out, to no avail. Went to pick it up... and it peed all over the seat.

And let me be clear, the peeing instances were not I'm-so-happy-I-literally-can't-contain-myself types of peeing, but more of a I'm-so-scared-I'm-pissing-myself sort of peeing.

Raise second red flag.

Sometime on the 3rd day, we determined that they belonged to the family at the cabin closest to ours, when the man came looking for them.
Later that same day, they dogs were happily lying in the driveway to our cabin. The mutt farthest away, was friendly, but not outgoing, and never came directly to us.

Until her owner called her. The minute she heard his voice, she beelined for our legs.

Yeah, a dog who refuses to approach strangers, until her owner calls her for her? Then she runs for the strange folks and hides behind their legs?

Raise third red flag.

And that is when I contemplated stealing the dogs.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe my gut is wrong (even though it's never been wrong before), but I'm pretty sure those dogs were abused in that home.

And so I gave serious thought to stealing a couple of dogs. I spied on the neighbor a couple of times, just hoping to catch him in the act so I could call the authorities. But no.

But I still considered stealing the dogs. Maybe I should have. What's two more, right?

You know the phrase, curiosity killed the cat?

Critters

Buddy

the chickens

Tootsie

Peg Leg

feral kitten we rescued, hiding out behind the dryer, as usual

Blessings

Physical Blessings:

1) No serious medical issues yet this year
2) My back is stable (not worsening)
3) Jason is healthy & strong as ever
4) Jena is healthy & growing well
5) All the pets are relatively healthy


Financial Blessings:

1) We can feed & clothe our family, and pay our mortgage
2) We have good benefits, including affordable health coverage
3)  Our car is almost paid off
4) We are on target to be debt free (excepting the house) within 2 years max
5) We can afford a few extras


Mental Blessings

1) My issues with depression & anxiety appear to be (mostly) over
2) So far I see no signs that my PPD will lead into Clinical Depression
3) My job is providing me with enough challenges to stretch me, but not enough to stress me
4) Jena has tested above her age group in all developmental milestones
5) I haven't had writer's block in months


Spiritual Blessings

1) Mine & my husband's salvation
2) So many answered prayers & visible miracles
3) Continued growth in the Lord
4) Finding my "fit" in our church home
5) Spiritual battles won


Answered Prayer

1) TheBoy's miraculous recovery
2) Continued growth & healing in our marriage
3) Promises fulfilled
4) Safety for Jason on the job
5) Unspoken


Today's Blessings

1) We all woke up this morning (and healthy too!)
2) We both have jobs to go to
3) My parents watching Jena
4) We can talk during the day
5) Phone call from a friend

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this post inspired by this post

Parenting Don'ts... that I did

or maybe still do.

Because we're all just doing our best.

Because judging one another needs to stop.

Because if I looked hard enough, I could find something to judge you for.

Not that I've ever intentionally hid any of these, but I'm letting them go, being upfront and honest, and telling you that I'm doing the best I can, just like you.

Flame away if you must.

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- I got my hair dyed while I was pregnant.
I couldn't find any reliable research to say that it would do anything to harm the baby, so heck yeah, I covered my gray.

- I let Jena play outside. By herself.
If you count 'with four dogs' by herself. I check on her every few minutes.

- I let Jena play in the bath by herself.
Once I get done washing her, if she's not ready to get out within a few minutes, I leave the bathroom. I pick up random crap around the house, walking past the bathroom and poking my head in every couple of minutes.

- We totally follow the 5 second rule in our house.
And sometimes extend it to ten.

- I rarely washed my hands when Jena was a newborn.
Oh, after the potty & before eating sure. But I figured she should be exposed to "family" germs, so never really bothered in between those events.

- I feed Jena all kinds of sugar & preservatives & fast food. And very little organic.
She also eats lots of veggies, and fruit, and whole grains. Whatever.

- I have spanked Jena
And smacked her hand. It's rare, but it has happened.

- I don't follow the pediatrician's recommendation on shots.
Nor do we skip all vaccinations. Nor do we follow Dr. So-and-So's modified vaccination schedule. I researched every individual vaccine myself and we have followed a modified schedule of our own, making our own judgement on what is best for our daughter, instead of following blanket advice from either side of the table.

- I just found out that five years ago the FDA recommended no cold medicine for kids under the age of 6.
Meh.

- We didn't really childproof the house.
But I've already written about that.

- Jena's car seat got turned around before she turned one year old.
Not much before, but she had outgrown the height & weight requirement & had good control of her head. She's moved to each level of seat restraint sooner than the recommended age, but never before the required height & weight. And we follow requirements for both Kentucky & Ohio, since we travel frequently in both.

- similarly, I think putting a child's age on a safety requirement is stupid.
Other than for infants (because you have the whole head-control thing), it makes much more sense to use a combination of height & weight. Some children are big, some are small. Going by an age will make no actual impact on their safety. Going by height & weight will. Needless to say, I ignore the age thing.

- I could have breastfed longer than I did.
But I had extremely low supply (3-4 oz per day) and spending all that time pumping for one feeding a day seemed like a waste. Bring on the formula.

- I let Jena sleep on her belly.
Once she got up the strength, she kept flipping herself over anyway.

- I skipped tummy time
While she loved to sleep on her belly, she hated being awake on her belly. Would scream incessantly till you picked her up. Seriously. I have one such session on tape. It was torture for everyone involved. So after about the 3rd or 4th time, I stopped.

- Jena never slept in our bed as an infant.
She slept in a bassinet next to our bed for about 2 weeks. Then we gradually started moving her farther away. She was in her crib overnight by 6 weeks of age.

- We let Jena cry it out.
As an infant. And thru preschooler-hood. As in now. I self-imposed a 20 minute time limit when she was an infant, which we still hold to, but she rarely went that long. Like maybe twice in her life. She also slept thru the night (6+ hours) by six weeks of age.

- I changed the kitty litter while I was pregnant.
Jason wasn't doing it, and I wasn't getting rid of the cat, so...

- When she was little, I rarely slept when she slept
I felt like I got more out of showering during at least one of those times.

- We went on our first post-baby "date" when she was less than 2 weeks old
It was our first anniversary. We went to lunch & a matinee. My mother-in-law watched her. She was fine. So were we.

- We went on our first "no baby" vacation when she was less than a year old.
We won a dive cruise. In the Bahamas. She stayed with my parents. She was fine. So were we.

- I praise my daughter religiously
I tell her she's awesome, smart, funny, kind, amazing, and beautiful multiple times a day.

- I still let Jena drink from a sippy.
She's nearly four. She can drink from a regular cup just fine. But walking around the house, or on the go, a sippy is safer for my floors, my furniture, and my sanity.

- I still ask Jena if she wants a paci. If she asks for it, I give it.
She's never been addicted, and it's better for her teeth than sucking on her fingers (which she tries to do).

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So there you have it. My list of "don'ts" that I so did. Or still do.

What about you? What have you done "wrong" as a parent?

As always, thanks for checking in!

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this post inspired by this post

Random Updates

Egg production has increased. Need some regular customers, or I'll be making a LOT of egg recipes!

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Work has been... frustrating. Still not clear what my role will be in the new division. Which probably explains why people both
a) aren't keeping me in the loop, and
b) are expecting me to know everything
Tough combo.

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Tootsie keeps running away. Thru the invisible fence. Thru the strongest setting on the strongest collar you can get. She's now tied up. Which I hate. But it's for her own safety. After the 4th escape she had a gash on her head. If she weren't cat-aggressive, we'd have brought her inside for good.

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Heck, if she weren't cat-aggressive, all the dogs would already be inside. That was the plan when we moved to this house, until we discovered her tendency to think cats are yummy.

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Jena has been fighting sleep for weeks. Yes, since before her Papaw died. She's also been incredibly clingy,  especially towards me. I haven't been able to figure out why, and I also haven't been able to figure out how to get her to sleep. I'm hoping it's just another phase.

I feel so bad for her. She'll tell me "I'm so tired but I can't fall asleep!" It's like baby insomnia.

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Chicken Update

photo by Jena

See this chicken? She's injured.
Broken right foot, missing a toe off of her left foot, comb almost completely ripped off.

She found an opening under the chicken tractor & tried to get out. Jason found her stuck there. We didn't notice an injury at first (adrenalin??).

Then the rest of the flock turned on her. Apparently, this is normal chicken behavior.

So we brought her into a dog crate in our garage. She's much improved in the 2 weeks since we separated her, but I'm worried that even when she's as healed as she'll get, she won't be well enough to put back with the rest of the flock.

Now that she's doing better, I've begun putting her in the laundry room during the days we're home, and sometimes overnight. She seems to get more exercise when she has more room to roam. Hoping it will promote healing in her feet.

She gets around pretty well, just very slowly & unsteady.

And otherwise she's just fine.

Anyone want a pet chicken?

photo by Jena

The rest of the chickens are doing well. We get around 5 eggs per day. Some of them are still small though. Once we're getting a steady production of large eggs we'll begin selling them.

With the start of Spring we started moving their chicken tractor around the property, starting close to the house. So far, so good.

They stay in one location 2-3 days, then we move them a bit.
In that time they usually strip the ground of grass, but it grows back once they're moved.

I worry about predators at night, but solar powered lights around the edges of the coop, chicken wire expanding out from the bottom, plus four outdoor dogs (especially Buddy) seem to be doing the trick.

Doesn't keep me from worrying sometimes though.

If you visit my house...

A few things to keep in mind should you ever choose to visit my house:

There's a good chance my house will not be neat & tidy.
If you choose to come over unannounced, there's a really good chance it won't be neat & tidy.

There will probably be dirty dishes in the sink.
If you choose to come over unannounced, there will probably be dirty dishes on the counter next to the sink.

We don't have curtains on our windows. Any of them. Or blinds. So walk around naked at your own risk.
Wait, if you're there, you're probably there to visit us. So, maybe don't walk around naked at all, 'kay?

We maintain an open-door policy at our house. So if you don't want a preschooler walking in on you while you pee, you should probably lock the bathroom door.

We have three outdoor dogs. They will greet you as you pull up. If you don't want this to happen, you should let us know ahead of time so we can tie them up temporarily make arrangements.

Oh, and Tootsie is losing her vision. And her hearing. So... just watch what you're doing and don't hit our dog, 'kay?

We have one indoor cat. He has long hair. If you're allergic, take your meds before you come. His hair is everywhere.

If a door is closed, don't open it. Since we do maintain an open-door policy, if a door is closed, there's a huge mess in that room reason.

We don't have cable, and only get spotty reception on the 3 local channels we get. Also known as, don't expect to watch the big game at our house.

As a rule, we don't keep pop (ie. soda) in the house. You are however welcome to whatever fruit juice, milk, or in rare occasions sweet tea, we do have. And also, unlimited water. You're welcome.

We don't keep much snack food around either. But we can usually offer you some baby carrots, whatever fruit selection we have that week, and if you're lucky, a granola bar. And ice cream. We do like ice cream, so we should be well stocked in that.

Although if I'm expecting you, I have been known to stock up on snacks & drinks. Because I do try to be a good hostess like that. Emphasize the word "try".

Oh, and going back to the drinks thing, we usually have water for dinner, and it doesn't always occur to us that someone might want something other than water, so if you're coming over for dinner, and you want something other than water, you should probably just bring it, or let us know ahead of time. Otherwise you will be disappointed. (this one from experience)

The chances of Jena being there are about 99.9%. So if you're expecting to drop by for some adult time, it's not gonna happen. And if you want my undivided attention for any reason, that's probably not gonna happen either. Not until she gets a lot older anyway.

We live in the country. If you need to drive thru our yard to get out of the driveway, go for it. You won't upset us. Go for it.

We live in the country. It will feel like an eternity on your way out here, but it's really not that far. We're four miles from the nearest town, about 10 from several major highways, and about seven from a major shopping area. It's really not that far. I promise.

All of that being said, you should also know that you will be welcomed. We may even greet you with open arms. We will be glad you are there, and you will be loved.

Jena may even put on a performance for you, and Tucker might get brave enough to purr in your ear.

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this post inspired by this post

If we're gonna be friends...

... you should probably know a few things about me upfront. I'd hate for you to be surprised later, and then have to break off our friendship, and then we're all upset about it and stuff.

So, here, in no particular order, are some things about me that you may (or may not) find to be a dealbreaker:

- I'm a Christian. I believe Christ is the only way to Heaven.

- I have a husband and a kid. They are my earthly priority, and as much as I'd like to spend loads of time with you and give you my undivided attention when they're around, that's probably not gonna happen. At least not until Jena is much, much older.

- I'm not a big fan of little dogs. I tolerate them, but they annoy me. Dogs should be big.
    related: I will not treat your dog like a baby. I loves me some pets, but they're animals, not infant humans.

- My memory is not good. I blame a lingering "mom-brain". Or my advanced age. If only I could remember when it started... The point is I may completely blank out on important stuff... like your name... even if I've known you for years. Sorry.

- I don't like beer. At all. Nor do I plan on drinking a beverage until it "grows on me" as some have suggested. I'm not sure why this bothers some people, but it does. I find all beer yucky.

- I'm slightly OCD. And by "slightly" I mean I'm OCD but I do a pretty good job of not letting it affect those around me. Unless you're my husband. Or my daughter. But I will straighten the towels in the bathroom. Yes... your bathroom.

- I have a strange need for air. Which shouldn't seem weird, but apparently I need more air flow than most. Or at least, more than my husband. But I actually get physically ill if there's not enough air circulating so I tend to do things like turn the air up in the car and/or roll down a window, even if it's cold. I just need air, 'kay?

- I don't like to dance. Inviting me to anywhere-that-requires-dancing is basically asking me to stand against a wall for extended periods of time. Sometimes I'm okay with that, but I am not okay with you guilting me to join you on the dance floor.

- I'm a night owl. I am actually most productive between the hours of 10pm & 2am. Except I have a job now, and a kid. So having fun between those hours doesn't happen much anymore.
    related: I am not a morning person. I am grumpy and unreasonably hateful when I first wake up. You're better to leave me alone until I've warmed up to the day.
    related: I hate coffee. Even flavored coffees. I've tried the "sweetest" (using that term loosely), and it's still way too bitter for me.

- I tend to run late to things. Especially things that are scheduled in the morning (see above). Even things I think are important. I never used to, and have psycho-analyzed why I can't seem to be on time now, but that's much longer than will fit in this post.

- I don't like seafood. Unless you count canned tuna. But most people don't. I also don't like oriental food (Chinese, Thai, Japanese, etc). I've found a very few items that I like in those cuisines, but not enough for me to pay for an entire meal that I'm not likely to eat. So if you plan on eating there a lot, I'm out.

- I have a 1st shift, 9-5ish job. This means that no, I cannot meet you in the middle of the week in mid-morning. If you wanna get together, it'll have to be an evening or weekend.

I think that completes the list. Well, the list of things I can think of right now that some people might be disturbed to realize later. I'm sure there are other things about me that might annoy the heck out of you as well, but I guess those we'll just have to wait to stumble upon later.

As always, thanks for checking in!

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This post inspired by this post.

Friday Fragments

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Felt like it was time for another Fragments post, so here it is, ya'll.

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Like every December, life has been crazy busy this past month. Busy, but good. Very good.

I met up with 4 different friends I hadn't seen in a while (on 4 separate occasions), we've had 3 classes, 3 Christmas parties, 1 playdate, 1 band concert, 1 date night, 1 cookie swap, 1 doctor appointment, 1 holiday breakfast, got our family pictures taken, went to a Christmas tree lighting, and went to Southern Lights.

If you add it all up, that's 19 different activities, and it's only the 23rd of the month. There was some overlap on dates, for better or worse.

And that, of course, doesn't include our normal craziness. That's just special holiday craziness, LOL

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Jena is still doing very well in school, and has started learning to write (tracing letters). I'm still very impressed     :)

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Potty training still not doing any better. In fact, she's had a few more daytime accidents. I do a lot of laundry.

I started a rule that she has to go 2 nights dry in UnderJams, then she can wear panties to bed. That at least gives me some respite. Plus she gets better sleep because she's not waking up wet.

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The chickens are now outside. Their tractor is wrapped in plastic sheeting to keep out the elements. And we extended the invisible fence wire around them to teach the dogs to leave them alone.

And something (a raccoon?) has already been trying to get to them, and broke the wire in 3 places trying to dig underneath the coop.

Thank goodness for Buddy, or we might have lost some chickens.

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I want to break Jena of her lovey while I'm off between Christmas & New Years. Jason thinks we should wait until the lovey falls apart and deal with it then.

Part of me thinks he's right.

Part of me thinks when it is time, he's not the one who will be up with her overnight, and then have to try to go to work the next day.

I'm torn.

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Still working our way thru FPU, and things are going really well. We've paid off two smaller bills (the TV & the living room furniture) sooner than planned, and should pay off two more smaller bills (the hospital bill & my Lane Bryant charge) by the end of this month.

Oh, and while this was the first year we actually set a real budget for Christmas (and tracked it), we're actually gonna end up being under budget, so we've decided to buy small presents for each of our six nieces & nephews, which we don't normally do, and we should still end up under budget. Yay us!

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Work is going pretty well, minus the database project that never ends, but I'm expecting an increase to my stress-level the first few months of the new year.

And maybe most or all of 2012.

So I'm a little anxious / nervous about work right now.

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As always, thanks for checking in!

Have a great weekend!

Not Just Another Blog Challenge #10 - A Change in Your Life You've Been Wanting

 

Well, if you've been around here very long at all, you can probably guess that my change would be to become a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM).

How do I think this would change my life?

Well, on an abstract level, I believe I would be less stressed, because I would no longer be trying to juggle the working world and the home life, no longer feeling the pressures of contributing to our family's finances, plus 95% of the housework and the vast majority of the child care and the greater part of the animal care as well. I wouldn't be so overwhelmed that I felt like I was drowning and / or failing most days.

This decrease in stress level would reverberate to my relationships with my husband and my daughter, as well as my extended family and my friendships, even my pets. All would improve. Or have a better opportunity to improve, at least.

On a more concrete level, we would obviously be doing better financially, since we couldn't make this change without already being there.
And I would have more time.
Ah, sweet time.

Let's look at today, for instance. What difference would being a SAHM make to my day (theoretically, since I don't really know).

Real Life (as a working mom): I've been fighting off an illness for over a week, so I overslept. Again. Woke up and was immediately rushing around trying to get everything ready to get FireGirl & myself out the door at a decent time. Had planned on packing my lunch, but no time this morning. FireGirl has also not been feeling well and has been sleeping in. I don't usually have to wake her up, but at 8:05am, I have to. I've got everything ready to go, except her. Bring her clothes to her in bed, dress her, still in bed, carry her to the car. Buckle her in, and floor it to the preschool. We got there so late we missed breakfast. Her classmates are already back in the classroom. So I sit with her while she eats breakfast by herself. Walk her to her room, put her things in her cubby, say goodbye. Drive to work and get there at 9:15am (I know, still pretty impressive, huh?). Work 8 1/2 hours. Drive to preschool. Pick up FireGirl. Drive home. Arrive home a little after 6pm. Thank goodness for a short commute. Make dinner. Eat dinner, finish around 7pm. She plays while I start her bath. Bath time is the most 1x1 quality time we'll have together today, without distractions, and including washing, playtime, drying, and putting on PJs will probably last until around 8pm. She'll help me change the chickens' bedding, and it's now 8:30pm. Watch a show or read 2 books (her choice), hopefully in bed by 9pm. After being quiet for 15-20 minutes to make sure she's asleep (open floor plan + nosy toddler = if we're not quiet she gets up to see what we're doing), I'll fold a load of laundry, put another load of laundry in the wash, do the dishes, and begin clipping coupons for tomorrow's grocery trip. At some point I'll feed the dogs and the cat. Hopefully I won't pass out from exhaustion, and will be able to do at least 2 loads of laundry tonight, plus I have two gigs coming up, so I really need to sit down and go thru those materials within the next few days, so that would be nice too. And while there are about 50 other things on my To Do List, those are the minimum for me to do tonight and not feel like a slacker. I should get to bed between midnight and 1am.

If I were a SAHM? : Well, I don't know how long we would have slept, but since we're both fighting illness, we need to rest and get better. So... let's say I woke up at 8am. Folded some laundry & put another load in. Had breakfast waiting on FireGirl when she woke up at 9am (cold breakfast - just because I'm suddenly a SAHM doesn't mean I've learned how to cook... yet). We casually eat breakfast, then clear our plates. I take a shower & get dressed while she plays in her room or reads. Then I get her dressed. We play a game together. I put another load of laundry in (or not, maybe I wouldn't be so behind on laundry if I stayed home). I promise her we can paint after lunch if she plays by herself for a while, so she does and I do the dishes. Then we eat lunch. Maybe tomato soup (her favorite). After clearing the table, it's time for paint. We do paint, and then maybe Play-doh, or craft. Something else that causes a mess. Because why not? Then it's rest time / quiet play and I send her to her room (we actually do rest time / quiet play on weekends). I proceed to clip coupons for tonight's grocery trip. Since she's not been feeling well, she falls asleep sooner than usual, after about 30 min. After I finish the coupons, I tackle the chore list: maybe some dusting or sweeping? A few simple things I can fit in during her nap, nothing major. Go outside and spend a few minutes with the dogs. Around 5pm I start dinner (I don't know what, like I can cook yet, right?). She wakes up soon after, and we eat around 5:30pm. Then we head to the grocery store. Home around 7:30pmpm, straight to bath time, but not quite so long since we've had good play time together the rest of the day. Nighttime routine is similar. She's still in bed by about 9pm. I relax on the couch for 30 min while she falls asleep. Feed the pets. Go thru my items for the upcoming gigs. Check the clock. It's 11pm and I decide to head to bed.

See the difference? I do. I really do.

And just like every day now is different, every day as a SAHM would be different to, so that's just one possible scenario. But do you see the difference? The chores that I have to save for the evening are done in the afternoon, and more! The grocery shopping I'll have to wait and do tomorrow, would get done today! The time I would have to read and play games with my daughter, just to be with her. I mean, do you see the difference?

I do.

Still busy. Very busy, in fact. But what a difference. What a real difference.

So... what's a change you've been wanting in your life? How do you think it would change things for you?

Tubby the Toad

This is Tubby.

Tubby lives... well, we're not quite sure where he lives, but he visits us every evening on our back deck. He sits right up against the French doors, smart enough to use the side that we don't, and cathes bugs.

He's quite smart, that Tubby the Toad.

I mean, no other toad has figured out that all the bugs are attracted to our lights, and so sitting on our back deck is a prime spot to grab some dinner.

Or... perhaps they have, but maybe they weren't smart enough to stay right up against the house, where the dogs can't get them.

And, like I mentioned, Tubby stays to the side of the French doors that we don't use, never bothered by our comings or goings.

Yes, Tubby is quite smart.

He's been coming to our deck for dinner for months now, yet it's only been a few weeks that he's had a name.

I remember it well: the night I watched him eat a wolf spider.

It was quite impressive. Like an episode of National Geographic unfolding before my eyes.

And then, right then, I decided he was our toad. Any toad that eliminates wolf spiders for us, deserves to be called "ours".

His round belly full of relatively large (compared to him) wolf spider, Tubby seemed a suitable nomenclature.

So yes, Tubby the Toad it shall be.

The past week his visits have been less frequent, I am assuming the change due to the slight chill that's been in the air. A reminder that he will not visit every night, for very much longer. And that it won't be long till we may never see him again.

FireMan & I have gotten used to his presence. We look for it going out the back door to feed the dogs, take out the trash, or tend to other items.

And yes, occasionally just to see if Tubby is there.

FireGirl has never seen him, as Tubby's arrival time is far past her bedtime.

But FireMan & I... I dare say we shall miss our little friend, our Tubby the Toad.

"It's always worth it"

One summer night, not long ago, we finally pulled into the driveway right about dusk, after eating dinner and then grocery shopping before eventually coming home.

And Jena spotted them immediately. The "flashing bugs" (really, isn't that much more accurate than lightening bugs anyway?)

She asked if she could catch one.

My body slumped, I sighed silently. We were already way late getting home. She needed a bath. And it was a weeknight, meaning if I had any chance of her waking up in time in the morning and her not being a complete grumpy butt, we needed to get inside and start the nighttime routine, like five minutes ago.

And then I looked at her face. She was so excited at the prospect of being able to catch a flashing bug. The anticipation of the joy that little insect would bring was billboarded across her little face.

And at that exact same moment, Kelle Hampton's words from a blog post that really touched me came back to haunt me (it wasn't the first time, it wouldn't be the last): "It's always worth it."

"Of course we can catch some flashing bugs."

I got her out of the car and set her on her way under the watchful eyes of our dogs as I carried items into the house.

In & out I went, several times, smiling as I watched her meander her way through our expanse of a front yard, following the path of the flashing bugs.

After what seemed like too long about five minutes I was done unloading the car, and went outside, just to watch.

She walked, and pranced, and I swear sometimes danced, and followed one bug all the way down to the edge of the woods. It was the farthest she had ever been away from a grown-up while exploring our property. But I didn't move. I had full view of her, she was perfectly safe.

Although Buddy did become quite nervous at her being so far away, and left my side to go to "work", watching his charge. {{sigh}} I love the dog that protects my child.

Anyway, Jason pulled into the driveway soon after, which brought a squealing Jena running up from the edge of the woods.

She never caught a flashing bug.

I managed to catch one close to the house, but before I could transfer it to her hand, it flew away, higher than any of us could reach.

We went inside, and started our nighttime routine. Very, very late.

She got to bed late that night. And awoke cranky the next morning. And I was certainly exhausted.

But, oh... the joy of watching my daughter chase flashing bugs on a perfect summer evening....

Yep. It's always worth it.

Friday Fragments

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My sister texted me the other day asking what I knew about rabies. She tried to rescue a cat that apparently didn't want to be rescued.

The good news? There hasn't been a confirmed case of rabies in her area in over 15 years.

Animal control caught the cat and allowed it to be quarantined for 10 days in their home.

Except it ends up their pit bull, who had never seen a cat, did not do so well.

Sort of. Long story short, it wasn't safe for the cat. So now the cat is quarantining elsewhere.

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I've met with my neurosurgeon regarding my back issues. My MRI did show injury & degeneration to L4, but since my symptoms are more of an annoying nuisance right now (as opposed to debilitating), we're going to try an alternative treatment, in the way of an epidural injection, in the hopes of avoiding, or at least postponing, surgery. Fun

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I'd also like to have Lasik eye surgery sometime soon, but with all of the other medical things going on I'm kinda waiting to see.

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FireMan's business has been doing fairly steady work for nearly a year now. Nothing huge, but slow & steady work. Which is awesome.

He's picked up three new clients just in the past two months and I am super-proud of him!

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I still can't figure out why I can post comments on some Blogger blogs and not others.

Similarly I can't figure out why some of you can post comments on my blog, but others can't.

Yo, Blogger! Fix it already!

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Last week FireGirl started going to preschool early, in time to eat breakfast there. It's quite a change for both of us, being 90 minutes earlier than her previous drop-off time, but so far, so good. Her meltdowns aren't any worse than normal, so... I guess we're good.

And... what kicked me in the butt to get her there earlier - I found out that on Wednesdays they have dance class right after breakfast. So this whole time she was missing out on dance!

I knew they offered it, and finally asked the teacher because no one ever said anything. On Wednesdays a dance teacher comes in & dance class takes the place of their first physical activity (open gym, playground, etc) time.

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Speaking of dance class, we're probably going to enroll FireGirl in a dance or tumbling class after her 3rd birthday (which is coming up way too soon!).

Right now we're just thinking we'll start at the local YMCA and see how it goes before paying for a more specialized instructor.

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I really want to take a trip to Iowa and a trip to California this year, both to visit loved ones. But it's already August, we have a trip planned in October for our anniversary, another family trip planned in December, plus I have to figure out what's going on with me medically, so... I have no idea when I'll be able to go.

Which makes me sad.

Because I really want to go this year. Like... yesterday.

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My life has been too many peaks & valleys lately. Highs & lows. Joyously goods followed by enourmous frustrations. Incredibly busy wherever-will-I-find-time, followed by same-old-ness.

I don't like this many peaks & valleys together. Stresses me a bit. I'm more of a rolling hills kinda gal, I suppose.

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Have a great weekend!

Weirdest Night Ever

I swear last night was the weirdest night ever. Things kept happening, one after the other, and I ended up getting all of three hours of sleep.

Oh, nothing hugely major, just a series of oddities.

It all started around 10pm.

First, Tootsie wouldn't finish her canned dog food. Our totally food-motivated, piggy of a dog, who has never turned down any sort of food, wouldn't finish the yummy canned food. You know, the stuff we use to give her the heartworm treatment. Great. I have to use my puppy persuasion powers to convince her to finish it. That really should have been my first sign.

Next, we had bad storms, and about as soon as the rain starts I see a loud flash at the same time I hear a boom and am pretty sure one of our trees got hit by lightening. But it's really dark out. I don't see any fire, so... guess we'll wait till morning to see.

Then, Tucker comes running in from the laundry room with a mouse (he's become quite the good mouser). It's still alive. I tell him to go to his room, because I don't want him letting a live mouse out on the floor of the house. He doesn't (I guess I should explain that normally he will go in "his" room [the spare room - where he's fed & the litter box is] if he's told). I proceed to chase him around the house for 5 - 10 minutes, with a mouse in his mouth, until I finally get him in his room.

The noises that proceeded out of that room were... interesting. The sound of my cat howling, screeching, as things are being knocked over. It seems the mouse might be fighting back.
I couldn't help but laugh at the thought of that little mouse getting in a good bite or two. And in case you haven't had the pleasure... a mouse bite hurts. Like the dickens. Don't let their size fool ya.

But I figured Tucker could handle himself with a little mouse, so left them alone, and the noises quieted down, and in no time he was crying to be let out of the room.

After he comes out, I go in to survey the damage, and there's the little mousie. Poor thing. I use a sock to pick it up by it's tail and put it in a cardboard box before throwing it outside. As I'm carrying it out, it strikes me that it's a female. And seems to be more the type of mouse that you buy as a pet than you find in the wild. Which I find interesting.

And right now I'm chuckling a little on the inside because some of you are probably wondering how in the world I can tell it's a female, or how I must be crazy because all mice are the same, right? ha! Little known facts about Jodi... perhaps I shall write a follow-up post.

Anywho... in the course of the night I also killed three wolf spiders. Which is less weird than it used to be, but I still don't like and the sight of them still makes my heart jump. Mostly because they have this freaky habit of showing up out of nowhere.

So... in the midst of all this I'm doing chores: laundry, dishes, etc.

A little bit later I finish folding a basket of clothes, which I do on the living room floor, and pull myself up on the couch. And then I feel something crawling on me. I look down to see... a TICK! An actual tick!
Of course, my initial reaction is to flick it off, which I do. So then I have to search the couch to find it. Which I did (thank God!). I picked it up with tweezers and put it in the sink, unsure of what to do next. I couldn't find the bug spray, and I just remembered being told they were really hard to kill. So I took a knife & cut it in half. Because you needed that visual, didn't you?

By this time it's nearly 1am, so I put in one final load of laundry and go to check on Jena.

She's fallen out of her bed.

That child has never fallen out  / off of any sleeping surface. She has slept in our bed, on various couches, etc. Last night? I found her on the floor. I go to pick her up, and she is soaked. And I mean, soaked.

The kid who for a couple months has been waking up with dry diapers, and whose diaper I changed in her bed before tucking her in last night, has peed thru her diaper, soaked her pajama pants & top (don't ask me how), and the comforter. I'm guessing the comforter must've somehow gotten underneath her, because her sheets where actually dry.

So I pick her up & put her back in bed, go get a new diaper, and some clean pj's, and come back in to completely change her. She sleeps thru the diaper change, but half-wakes up during the pj change and is not happy about it. But we manage. I fold her comforter so the dry side is up, and place it on the floor next to her bed, just in case, and go get a throw from the hall closet. She falls back to sleep almost instantly.

I finally get ready for bed, and crawl into bed around 1:45pm.

But... around 2:30am I'm awakened by the sound of all three dogs barking madly. And Buddy's bark is not friendly. I sit and listen. Usually this means a strange dog, or a deer, or whatever. Although it is a bit odd that they're all barking. And moving. Thru the yard. And not stopping.

I finally get up and look out our bedroom window.

There's a pickup truck in our yard!

Somebody has just driven right past mine (and Jena's) bedroom windows and is now driving thru our backyard!

What do I do? Jason is working, I'm home alone with a toddler, and someone is blatantly driving onto our property! Do I confront them? Call the cops? Call Jason?

I should have called the police. That would have been the smart thing. I have the direct line to dispatch saved in my cell phone, so I wouldn't even have to call 9-1-1. So that really would have been the smart thing.

But it's 2:30 in the morning, and I'm half asleep. So I'm brilliant enough to put on my shoes, put my cell phone in my pocket, and head out to confront whomever it is, who has now stopped, about an acre back, gotten out of their truck and is shining a flashlight deep into our acreage.

I "call" the dogs as soon as I get outside. I make a quiet clucking sound and they come running. Good dogs.

And then... the guy decides to turn on the flashing yellow lights and LED tail lights installed on his truck.

It's the freakin' electric company.

In the darkness I couldn't see the lights mounted on top, or the signage all over the truck. All I could see was a pickup truck driving thru our property.

Buddy still isn't happy, but now he's probably feeding some off of my tension / anxiety. He growls at the worker, and jumps on him as he approaches me, knocking the flashlight from his hand. I call Buddy back to me and hold him by his collar.

The worker explains that we have a transformer in the middle of our property that got struck by lightening (remember from earlier... aha!). He said "maybe" he should have called or knocked on the front door, but he was hoping to fix it and be gone before anyone knew he was there.

I muttered something about leaving him to do his job, and walked back to the house, with all three dogs in tow. I told them to "stay" on the back porch before going inside. I don't know if they did or not, but I never heard them bark again, until he left, about 45 minutes later. His truck drove by my bedroom window, followed by a chorus of barking dogs.

Now, I'm no expert by any means, and I do understand his good intentions, but personally, I would prefer being awakened by a phone call, or even a knock on the door, in the middle of the night, than to wake up to find someone "trespassing" on my property.
Not to mention the safety issues for himself. Three dogs chase his truck barking, two of those dogs are pretty big, and he gets out without attempting to notify the homeowners? Honestly, he was lucky. Buddy was in defense mode when I got there. And Buddy is not small.
And let's face it, we live out in the country. A lot of people have guns. Showing up on someone's property unannounced, when it's too dark for them to see your identification, and without your flashing lights running, well... it's just not the smartest decision. For your customer or for yourself.

So... off of my soapbox about customer service, and back to the conclusion of my weird night... I walk in the house, take my shoes off at the door, and proceed to walk thru the house barefoot, as I often do.

And somehow get a splinter in the bottom of my foot.

Seriously.

We have all tile or laminate flooring, all of which has been installed for months. Winter is over, so there's no longer any firewood inside.

How the heck do I get a splinter?!?

So I hobble into the bathroom, grab some tweezers (different ones than I used on the tick, thank goodness I have multiple pairs!), and spend the next five minutes or so digging a splinter out of the bottom of my foot.

Good times.

I crawl back into bed around 3am, and hear the electric company truck roll by around 3:15am.

My alarm goes off at 6am. But I somewhat successfully ignore it until 6:45am.

I wake up. I peek in on Jena as I walk out of our bedroom.... and find her on the floor. Again.

****

See. Nothing huge. Nothing major. Just a series of anomalies that added up to the weirdest night ever.

And a very sleepy Jodi.

I'd Forgotten What I Knew

For the past few weeks I've managed to keep FireGirl & I on an actual, real schedule. Mostly. I've been more productive at work than I have been, literally, in years. I've felt better about my work self than I have in years {{ working moms insert golf clap }}
The fact is, when I put myself, really put myself into my work, I rock. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but yeah, I rock at my job.

But at the same time that I was having success at work, remembering how awesome I am at my job after all, how much I really do rock and all, FireGirl was hitting the Terrible Twos full force.

Cue working-mom-woes. Success in one area, and bam! it falls apart in another.

Anyway... FireGirl had become as defiant as all get-out. We'd been fighting several times daily, and let's face it, there is no reasoning with a toddler.

She started hitting me. And I mean hitting. No, really. Little devil.

We tried time outs. Talking to her. Reasoning with her. Taking away toys, books, etc. And it just got worse.

And worse.

And then she hit FireMan.

And then she hit Grandma.

We were at our wits' end.

The irony, of course, was that we are not against spanking as a form of discipline, and this was the first time our little angel was doing anything severe enough to warrant spanking as a disciplinary measure, but... we both agreed that spanking as a punishment for hitting just didn't make sense. Especially when the child is two-years-old and certainly would not understand the difference.

So... what to do?!?

Her behavior had gotten so out of control, so unlike herself, that my parents actually suggested that we consult a child psychologist. And remember, they have been around FireGirl more than anyone, so if anyone knows her besides us, they do.

That's how bad it had gotten.

We left FireGirl with them on a Friday so that FireMan & I could spend the weekend in Indianapolis at FDIC. This gave us a lot of time to talk about the situation, and me a lot of time to think about the situation.

And so I did some thinking. And then some more thinking.

In between the fire trucks and flashing lights and vendor booths, I thought about it.

On the drive home it hit me.

Something had to change.

Period.

And I'm the mommy, so I have to figure it out and be the catalyst for change.

Because something had to change.

And somewhere on that drive, I realized.

The schedule.

See... Our family doesn't normally operate on a schedule. Not really. We have certain routines that we do, but no real schedules.

Oh, sure, we have to go to work & church & preschool at certain times, but other than that... no set times for activities. Not really. Not at all.

Not even FireGirl.

When FireGirl was born... heck, when I was pregnant with FireGirl... people told us how our lives would operate on a different schedule, insisting that this tiny little being would have our lives timed down to the minute.

Yeah, things didn't exactly work out that way.

We've never had FireGirl on a schedule. Not even when she was a newborn. A routine, yes. A schedule, no.

It just doesn't work with our family. Especially with FireMan's alternating shifts and how that impacts the rest of our life. A daily schedule just isn't in the works for us.

Until recently.

Things have been really stressful at work, and I've ended up working real overtime for the first time since FireGirl was born. FireMan's business is taking off, and he's been putting in more hours there, plus they're starting to train new divers for Water Rescue, so he's busy with that as well. With all the added activity, it's been all but necessary for us to have a schedule so I can try to manage it all, so we can get it all done.

The schedule.

The schedule had to go.

Because the truth was, the only part of life truly benefiting from it was my work. I was more productive at work. My work self was doing well. But my home life was falling apart.

FireGirl & I were fighting constantly. She had managed to drag our fights out so long that the schedule that had begun with me getting more done at home now left me getting less done at home. The house was a disaster, we were both stressed out, her to the point of lashing out with hitting, and yes, the stress at home was beginning to affect my work. How ironic.

And so... this week... I threw out the schedule.

This week, I stopped and chatted with the babysitter for half an hour while FireGirl blew bubbles before leaving. Why not?
In that conversation, by the way, I found out that one of the other children hits their mother, and has done so in front of FireGirl. Interesting...

We've taken the long way home, past the horse farms, and alpacas, and chickens. Found a new horse farm to drive by and dream by. And when no one else is coming, I stop and we roll down our windows so FireGirl can talk to the horses. And watch. Oh, how she watches them.

We've been stopping and playing with the dogs before we ever go inside the house. Okay, she plays with the dogs while I make multiple trips carrying whatever number of loads I have that day inside. And then once I'm done we play with the dogs for a few minutes longer. Because... why not?

We eventually get our bath done, and our PJs, and snack, and this week she's gotten to bed no later than 30 minutes past her "scheduled" bedtime.

But with virtually no struggles, unlike the past few weeks.

Oh, sure, we've still had a couple of arguements.

She is two, after all. And I'm her mother, and although I'm tons of fun, we still have rules, so I still make her mad.

But no hitting.

For the first time it at least two weeks, the first day I threw away the schedule was also the first day of no hitting.

I like our life better this way. We like our life better this way.

And I need to remember what I knew.

What I knew from the beginning. What I knew about being a mom without anyone telling me. Despite what everyone was telling me.

I know my family. I know what works.

And for us, this works.

How We Can Afford Vacatons

I get asked this a lot by people who know me in real life, so... why not share with my blog readers as well.

Jason and I both love to travel.

We also share a hobby that is difficult to do where we live.

But mostly, we love to travel.

Last year we went on five trips.

I know. That's a lot, right?

It's funny, because the people who ask me how we can afford trips usually make significantly more money than we do. Which makes me laugh.

You see... like most things in life... it's about priorities.

Our house is a foreclosure that we are renovating.
We bought a lot of the materials for our renovation at huge discounts, some at auctions.
All of our vehicles were purchased used. Meaning that out of three vehicles we are only paying on one.
We I clip coupons and watch sales.
We wear our clothes until they're hole-y. And sometimes still wear them after that.
We don't have cable. Not even basic.
The primary heat source in our home is a woodburning fireplace (ie free).
Almost all of our furniture (excluding Jena's) is a free hand-me-down or purchased used from a friend or family member.

One of the people who asks me this question hasn't been "able" to take their family on a vacation. Ever. Even though they say it's a priority for them.
They also make more than twice what Jason & I do.
They also live in a much larger, newer, nicer home than we do, in a nice neighborhood. Their mortgage payment is more than double ours.
They have one leased vehicle, which has to be replaced every three years.
Their other vehicle they bought brand new, fully-loaded.
They dress much nicer than we do.
They not only have cable, they have one of the premium packages.
They She clips coupons when she "has time" (ie. rarely, if ever).
The last time they moved they opted to buy all new furniture to furnish their new home instead of moving the old stuff. And not cheap stuff either.

Those are choices. Those actions are statements about your priorities.

*note* no judgement here. It's a matter of personal choice. Just stating the facts of the situation.

But really, how did we afford five trips in one year? Do firefighters get paid that much?

Um... nope. Not hardly.

In fact, the reason I moved in with Jason when I did (before we were married), was because he finally had a job offer for a full-time firefighting position. But he couldn't pay the bills with the 40+% paycut he would have to take to accept the job. So I moved in and we split expenses.

Now, his pay covers most of our basic household expenses. But not all. That leaves my income to cover the rest of the house hold expenses, plus for our "extras". Like trips.

We also utilize points for hotel stays. Our bank allows us to accumulate points for each transaction. Once you accumulate so many, you can cash them in for "prizes" (sort of). We always cash these in for stays at the same hotel chain.
Our primary credit card, which we didn't use too often until the home renovation, grants points towards the same hotel chain.
Combine the two, and we rarely pay for lodging.

But let's look at last year's trips, specifically.

In January I surprised Jason with a trip to Florida for a week, snorkelling & diving, for his birthday.
I secretly tucked away cash for over a year to pay for this trip. We used points for one hotel night, the rest of the trip we paid in cash. Four night stay.

In March he took me to Iowa to visit my sister, for my birthday.
We used points for our one hotel stay, gathered coupons for the attractions, and slept on the floor of my sister's house while there. Four night stay.

In April we went to Indiana for a fire convention.We used points for our hotel stay, wrote off his portion of the entrance fees as a business expense, and paid cash for our food. One night stay.

In May we went to the Smoky Mountains with both sets of parents.
I spent a lot of time researching lodging options, and found a deal on a cabin that cost each couple less than $40 per night. Paid cash for food. Used coupons for attractions. Two night stay.

In November we went to Columbus for our anniversary.We used points for the hotel night. I had also found a great deal on gift cards for dinner & a movie, and we actually based our destination on where we could utilize both gift cards in the same area. One night stay.

We drive to all destinations, whenever possible (all five trips last year).
We ask friends & family to take care of the pets, to avoid boarding charges.

Travelling, even on short stays, even on driving-distance trips, is important to us. So we spend a lot of time planning. A lot of time. Researching options. Looking for discounts. Even determining destinations and time of travel based on the discounts available.

And that, dear readers, is how we afford to go on trips. No, we're not rich. Nor do we go into debt to pay for them* . We determined it was a priority for us, and we plan accordingly.

It really is as simple as that.



* the one exception to the not-going-into-debt: our Bahamas trip in 2009. Jason won a cruise. Like seriously, actually won. But it had to be taken within a certain timeframe. We had not planned on such a large trip for another few years, but decided it was an opportunity we wouldn't likely have again. So we put the airfare & my cruise fees on credit card, paying both of those off within six months of the trip.

Oh yeah, so how have I been dealing with the loss of FireKitty?

Okay, I guess.

It definitely seemed to affect me more than anyone else. Although Jena has started talking about her again. The other night we were saying our prayers at bedtime, and she said "Pray Tess feel good". I finished the prayers blubbering.

My mom said she's not surprised at how upset I got. She said it's "in me" to be that way. I've always attached myself to the animals I'm around.

It actually surprised me. I didn't realize how attached I'd gotten to Tess in the short nine months she was part of our family.

But... grieving is just par for the course, right?

The real issue I've had is with anxiety. I can still feel it, rising up in my chest, every time I drive home. Every time. It's worse if I'm driving home after dark, as it was dark when we got home that night.

I now get out of the car, lock the car doors, unlock the front door, go into the house, and do a quick survey of the house before I go back to get Jena out of the car.

If Jason is with us, he must go in first, before I'll even get out of the car.

And I think I'm driving him nuts asking, and re-asking, if he's checked the doors, checked the locks, etc.

I've always been good about locking doors myself, but now I'm fanatical.

Before I go out the back door, for any reason, I lock Tucker in the spare room, and then still exit & return as quickly as possible. Yes, even now that we have the underground fencing keeping the dogs from coming too close to the entranceway (by the way - Buddy & Flopsy understood the new perimeter right away, within a few hours).

Tucker has gotten shoo'ed away and yelled at more than once, if I catch him too close to any of the doors while someone is entering / exiting. Sometimes I think he does it just to freak me out.

Every now and then I have some horrific scenes roll through my mind's eye. Some of them what I imagine happened that night. Some of them anxiety-inducing visions of what I might find has happened to Tucker when I come home. I wish I could get these scenes out of my head.

I'm wary now of someone breaking in. Something I always had a small amount of anxiety about when I lived in the city or suburbs, but what I had never experienced in a rural area before. I was, in fact, before this happened, telling a "city boy" co-worker of mine how much more relaxed I am now that we live out in the country, how much more comfortable, how much less anxiety (he's exactly the opposite - it was an interesting conversation). But not so much anymore. It is quieter though, so strange noises are more easily heard, and identified.

I'm assuming hoping that this anxiety will fade with time. Although part of me hopes that it doesn't. It does make me much more diligent in our home security, especially with regards to Tucker.

So... that is how I'm doing. Dealing with it. Just not always well.

Thanks for checking in.