Update on Gastric Sleeve - sorry it's been so long!

Wow.

Surgical recovery and parenting and... wow, next thing you know I am WAY behind on keeping you guys updated.

I had gastric sleeve a few months ago, and things are going great! I am down roughly 70 lbs and feel wonderful. My energy us up, I just feel so much better, I can do more... I just can't tell you how great I feel. I feel stronger, more capable... in short, I feel like I'm getting back to my old self. And indeed weight-wise I am! I have already hit my first personal weight goal, which was to hit my pre-pregnancy weight... before my first child. That milestone has been met and I am currently less than 10 lbs from my next milestone, my wedding weight.

It's been a journey, and not without bumps. I had some pretty bad pain early on post-surgery, enough that there were concerns of there being a leak in the suture line in my stomach, but the pain eventually faded with no other signs of a leak, so that was good. Painful, but not like it could be. Eating, even drinking, was quite a struggle at first, and I was unable to get in the proper amount of liquids, and then later protein for quite a while. I just couldn't even force it down, it was so difficult, uncomfortable, and even painful any time I drank or ate.

I still get uncomfortable at times, but for the most part the act of eating is back to normal. I had my 3-month follow up the other day, and while I did get scolded for still not getting enough water and not taking my multi-vitamins, the nutritionist said that my progress has been so great that she can't really yell at me. Ha!

One thing that has amazed me is that the surgery really seems to be working. I know, it's ridiculous. That's why I had it to begin with. But I think so many other things in my life had failed, the idea that this is working just blows my mind.

I had several doctors independently recommend the procedure for several reasons, one of those doctors being my ob/gyn. I've had issues with my cycles since having Jillian and he suggested that the changes in hormones that occur as a result of the surgery may solve those problems. Guess what? He was right! My periods are still irregular, even on hormonal birth control, but PMDD is pretty much gone, no more menstrual migraines, my periods are lighter and my cramps are almost non-existent. I went from having periods that were debilitating at times to "normal" periods within one cycle of having the surgery, before any significant weight loss. It blows my mind.

The main reason for me to have the procedure was to solve various endocrine issues (my endocrinologist was actually the first one to recommend it), with the weight loss being a happy side result, not only of the procedure, but of getting my endocrine issues resolved. And it actually seems to be working, which just seriously blows my mind that something is actually working. I'm amazed.

That's about it for now. If you're interested in my past updates, maybe you're considering having the surgery, or have had it and want to connect, I have some more frequent surgery & recovery updates on my YouTube channel, as well as just some fun videos from our life, so check that out.

I'm glad to be back on here, and thanks for checking in!

I can't sleep

So I'm sitting here at 1am* on my 40th birthday and I can't sleep. And now my Netflix isn't working. And my phone is on the charger. But my mind is spinning, spinning, spinning, so... perfect time to blog, right?

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Right now at the top of my mind is an unpleasant topic, at least for me. Have you ever seen a woman with a man, or listened to one of your girlfriends talk about a guy, and you just know they have a crush on him, even if they haven't told you yet?

Yeah. Right now there are two women in our circle who I'm pretty sure have crushes on my husband. Now, I have no flat out evidence, nothing's been outright said (obviously), and no, I don't think anyone has done anything, but... you know that feeling. Not even the gut feeling of the wife, but the feeling when you see your (hopefully single) friend crushing on a (hopefully single) guy and there's just something about the way she talks, or how she is around him that tells you how she feels before she actually tells you how she feels. That. Except instead of being happy & giddy & nervous for her you're kinda ticked off and a little sick to your stomach because she's in your circle and both of you see her regularly and this is a little close to home for your taste. But you kinda have to be nice, or at least cordial, to her, because there is absolutely no evidence that she (or he) has done anything wrong, so for you to just become a complete b**** would be social suicide, and possibly give her reason to feel no regret or guilt over pursuing what is yours, so you're nice. Even though you want to not be nice. And did I mention there are two of them? Ugh!

So... that. That is on my mind a lot lately. And it's not fun.

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The topic second-most in my thoughts lately is someone else in my loop who is, quite frankly, driving me crazy with the way they are twisting Scripture.

Here's the deal: I was raised with certain Christian beliefs. Thru the years and my own journey to know God better I have come to realize that some of those beliefs were not biblical. Thru the years I have gone to churches of varying religious denominations, talked with believers with a multitude of differing views.

And here's the thing. If someone can show me in Scripture why what I have believed might be wrong, I have no problem accepting that I need to either change my beliefs, or dig deeper into the Word and into prayer and figure out what's going on. I have done this more than once. On some issues I now believe completely differently than how I was raised. On other issues digging deeper has done nothing more than to show me how biblically sound my beliefs were to begin with.

But if you can show me in the Word, if it is not only in the Word, but makes sense in the entire context of the passage, in the historical context of the day, in the sociological context, etc. If it all fits and makes sense, then we're good. We are open to considering it.

This person? Ugh. Pulls individual verses out of context constantly. Has been called on this repeatedly by several other believers, including myself, and still does it. When challenged they tend to either change the subject to another verse altogether, change the subject altogether, or shut down the conversation.

For whatever reason, they have come across an idea that they want to hold on to, they have found other likeminded individuals, and have made their minds up. No matter how many Scriptures you show them that contradict what they are saying, no matter how many times you explain that if you put that verse back in the context of the entire passage, then it doesn't really say that at all, if you usual actual historical fact to explain to them why what they are saying is just not factual... doesn't matter. Their mind has been made up and there is no talking to them.

And it frustrates the crap out of me. It bothers me. I have been talking to them and praying for them for months and it seems to be no avail. I just keep trusting that the Word of the Lord will not return void (Isaiah 55:11) and one day they will see the Light. It's just really hard for me to see them going down this path, because I know them. I know how they were raised. I know their parents. For some years we attended the same church. I know that they were raised in biblical Truth. So to see them turn their back on it, and pervert the Word of God and twist His Word... oh, it gets to me, right in the heart. It saddens me, and angers me, and worries me all at the same time.

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Lastly, the thing that's been on my mind is my recovery from vertical sleeve gastrectomy. I was five weeks out yesterday. The number everyone wants to know: I'm down 34 lbs. I've dropped one pants size and am on the verge of dropping another.

I feel better than I have in a long time, and I feel like I'm getting my life back.

I'm still on a restricted diet. I started on clear liquids, then pureed foods, and now I'm on soft foods. I will be on soft foods for another three months.

This topic needs its own post, so for now I will leave it at that.

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Hoping all of you are well! Thanks for checking in!




* I schedule out my posts to be published at 12noon, and have for years. So now ya know.

But What if I Like my Ta-ta's ??

As I get closer to my surgery date I've been doing some thinking. And yes, one of those is my ta-ta's. Let's face it, I have some pretty big gals. 46DDD here. Borderline E cup. And my girls are sure to shrink.

Not sure how I feel about that. I mean obviously if I'm getting smaller everywhere else, it would look ridiculous if my girls stayed as big as they are. But the truth is I like my big breasts. I do. Not gonna lie. My husband likes my big breasts. He does. So losing size in my chest area is not something I'm looking forward to, and I do have concerns about how much I will like what my breasts look like after my weight loss stabilizes.

The sort of not really good news, but realistic news is that for literally 20 years I have wanted to have a breast job done, but planned on waiting until after I was done having kids. See, there's a pretty significant size difference between my boobies. It varies somewhat based on my weight, but stands at a half to a full cup difference. In most clothing you can't tell, but I know, and it bothers me. There are certain cuts of tops that I don't wear because it makes the size difference really apparent. My husband doesn't care. But I do. It bothers me. So, I figure I'll wait about two years post-surgery to ensure that my weight is pretty stable, then see what by breasts look like and get a cosmetic surgery consult.

Anyway, I'm starting to ramble on here, and I did enough of that in my video (below). Enjoy! And as always, thanks for checking in!

Overwhelmed

I have been feeling quite overwhelmed lately.

Not just busy, but... sinking beneath everything kind of overwhelmed.

Work is insane right now. Instead of my normal 40 different hats to wear, now I have around 60. Every day is a struggle to juggle it all, and I'm barely scraping by. At this moment I'm still managing to accomplish the needed, must-do tasks, but barely. And I can't shake the feeling that I'm always forgetting something.

With the holidays coming up, our lives have been jam-packed with event after event, plus there's shopping & wrapping & cooking & card sending & decorating to get done as well.

Our home looks like a disaster area. Only a slight exaggeration. I'm staying up late & getting up early. Averaging maybe 5 1/2 hours a sleep a night. And still barely managing to keep on top of the necessities (laundry, dishes, groceries).

I know my lack of sleep is probably contributing to this feeling of being beaten, but at the same time I don't see how getting more sleep and getting even less accomplished is going to help anything.

Besides all the things to do, all the stuff, I have a lot of praying to do. Join me?

My dad had surgery on his back.
Surgery & recovery are going well.
However, they still cannot watch Jena. Which means that for the past few Friday's we've had to make alternate arrangements.

My brother had surgery on his adenoids, throat, etc. (severe sleep apnea).
Recovery is not going well. Not sure of all the details, but he still cannot swallow. Everything he tries to take in, comes out his nose. Apparently this is normal for a day or two past surgery. We're on Day 5. He has also ended up in the ER once because he tried to swallow his liquid pain medication, choked, ended up coughing & gagging, and... he coughed up two of his stiches.

My uncle has been diagnosed with lymphoma.He started chemo yesterday. Eight hours.
They've also done some biopsies because they think it may have metastisized to his pancreas & bones.

My great uncle has been diagnosed with cancer.He has decided to forego traditional Western treatment and is using some alternative treatments to ease his discomfort.

A very dear friend, like family really, has been diagnosed with colon cancer.It has spread to his liver. So far treatments have not changed his condition or prognosis. But he is persisting. For now.

Jason's grandmother is very ill.She has been in & out of the hospital for the past few months. I don't know all the details, but I do know her last hospitilization was for a severe kidney infection. She was on IV antibiotics for four days, and was released to a rehab facility. As of right now, doctors will not release her to her home.
This may force her into a nursing home. Which, quite frankly, is what she needs. Her health has deteriorated and she really needs 24/7 medical care. Two of her daughters (including MIL) have been trying to take care of her, going to her home daily, administering medication, fixing meals, and taking blood pressure & blood sugar readings. But they still get phone calls during the day, during the night, whenever her illness strikes again, and they're back at the hospital. I really believe it is in her best interest to be in a home, but she is very adament that she does not want to go, and her daughters I think feel guilty about it, so aren't pushing the issue.

Each & every one of those weighs heavy on my mind & heart daily.

This is also our first holiday season without my father-in-law. I'm sure there will be some tears, but we'll get thru it okay. My mother-in-law? Not so optimistic.

So we are walking on eggshells (did we every stop?), answering her calls for help, trying to just be there for her. I'm not gonna lie, we could do better in this area. But I also couldn't tell you where we'd find the time either.

And while part of me says this is all just life, get over it, it happens, I also find myself feeling so very overpowered by it all. Sinking. Stressed out. Scattered. Unfocused.

And unable to pull myself out of the pile.

I also find myself wondering why.

I don't recall ever feeling so overwhelmed in the past. Even when life crashed down around me, this sense of losing control was never there.

I know that statistically, women who have PPD or other Post-Partum mental disorders are more likely to develop other mental illnesses in their lives.

I find myself wondering if this is me. If the reason I feel so steamrolled by life has less to do with how much is going on in right now, and more to do with my mind's ability to handle it all. Anymore.

Is this just life for me now? Will I become more easily overwhelmed by life as time goes on? Am I destined to become scattered & unfocused & overcome at the first sign of difficulty? Is that who I have become?

Maybe more importantly, is that who I have to be? Is there a way out? I certainly haven't found it yet. Is there even one to be found?

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I feel like this post is a bit... detached. Several topics not quite meshing together the way I'd like. But I've been holding on to it for several days, and keep re-reading it, and am not finding the way to make it all flow a bit better, so... here ya go. As always, thanks for checking in!

The Itch to be Active

Lately (as in, the past few months), I've had this itch to be active.

Specifically, to run.

Which, if you know me in real life, is a bit odd.

I'm not a runner. I've never been a runner. I don't like to run.And let's not forget that right now I have a bulging disc, and am already spending the larger part of every day in pain.

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And then, I saw a less-than-flattering picture of myself. And as much as I would love to be able to blame the person who took the pic, I can't.

In fact, it is probably in the quality of the photograph that I am seeing how I really look.

And I was mortified.

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And then I had a really busy week, where it seemed like everyone was tugging at me from all directions.

Even the good, fun, social things.

Because this gal is an introvert, and regular alone time is a necessity to keep me from losing my mind.

But our calendar is already pretty darn busy for the next three months, one event after another.One person-filled event after another.

I realized I needed to find a way to achieve alone time. Something that couldn't be taken away from me, except by myself. Something that co-workers, friends, family - not even Jena- could interrupt.

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And I realized... running would satisfy all of those.

I googled running with back injuries, running with lumbar injuries, running with bulging discs.

The general consensus seems to be that it's not painful while you're running, but when you stop & rest the pain is quite unbearable.

I talked it out with Jason.

My thinking (crazy as it may be) is that my back is already screwed. I'm already headed for surgery. But my consult isn't for another month, let alone the procedure. That gives me at least a month to run. At least.

Because I have to do something. I have to.

And the hubs is on board. He's supporting me as I try to see how badly I can screw up my spine whip myself into shape.

I started googling running shoes.

Because I don't remember the last time I wore tennis shoes. Maybe last year? And the ones I have are old & beat up & falling apart. And most likely not running shoes.

And then I realized I still needed to figure out when & where I could run, that I could work into my routine, that I could do alone.

A park wouldn't do, because I'd have to take Jena with me, who would distract me from my goal, and totally destroy any hope of alone time. And Jason would want to come when he was home, which isn't so bad, but I need my alone time.

And then I remembered. Earlier this year my place of employment opened a brand new walking trail thru their campus. The same campus I work on. Over a mile of wooded trail, at a place where I already spend a good part of my day. Five days a week. Close to Jena's preschool. Private. Safe. Monitored. 24 hour security & trained EMTs. And the icing on the cake? The path starts on the other side of campus from the building I work in. Which means little chance of running into co-workers.

It's perfect.

I think.

Today I took a smoke clean air break and checked it out. It's nice. Has 2 mild inclines (what do you expect, we do live in the hills of Kentucky, LOL) and is very peaceful.

My only issue is that it's not lit. And if I'm running after work, it won't be long until that gets into dusktime. But it's still really nice.
My plan is to run every day after work, before I pick up Jena. I'll drive over to the other building, change in their bathrooms, and run.

My goal is 20 min, so all together I'm estimating I'll pick up Jena from preschool 30 minutes later. It's not perfect, as we already struggle with having time in the evenings, but it's the best solution I can think of. Driving to any other location and then starting adds time onto the equation. Doing it any other time of the day requires finding someone to watch her, or attempting to drag her along with me.

This is perfect.

And so when I told Jason I'd figured out when & where, he suggested I download the Couch to 5k app to my phone, and he would do it at the firehouse, and we would be doing it "together". Apart.

Perfect.

I have no idea how this will affect my back. I suspect that all the websites are correct, that pain will be minimal during the exercise, but excruciating afterward.

But I have a bottle of Vicodin my doctor prescribed me sitting unopened in my medicine cabinet. I'm already in pain. And no matter what I do, I'm still gonna need surgery.

So why not give it a try? The way I see it, I have nothing to lose.

But maybe some poundage. And some body issues.

And I have everything to gain.

Like higher confidence. A sense of accomplishment. And a smokin' hot body (right? all runners are hot, right?, LOL)

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So that's my latest crazy idea update. Wish me luck!

Bulging Disc

After finally giving in and seeing my family doctor, and the subsequent MRI, we have a diagnosis.

Bulging disc.

Same disc that re-injured last year.

Same disc that I had surgery on in 2006.

Same disc originally injured in a car accident in 2002.

I didn't realize it'd been hurting for six months (that long?!?) until I stumbled across this blog post from February.

The pain gets better, gets worse, but never goes away. I'd say it stays steady in the 3 range, sometimes down to a 1 or 2, sometimes spiking to an 8 or 9.

Six months. I was thinking it was only three. See, this is why I blog. My memory stinks.

Anywho, I had my MRI, it's a bulging disc, and with no big surprise he's referring be back to my neurosurgeon.

I don't really want to go thru a surgery & recovery again. But I can't go thru life in constant pain either. Especially with a munchkin depending on me.

And (I know I should wait to talk to the surgeon before I even think about it, but...) I also am pretty sure that the surgery won't be as bad this time around, as (I think) it would be a routine discectomy.

My original surgery took more than twice the estimated time, my scar is double the size I was told. They got into my spine & found my injury was more complicated than originally anticipated. The hardest part? Scraping the calcified gunk (annulus fibrosus) off of the nerves surrounding the disc. My disc had exploded into my spine, and over time the gunk (not a medical term, my term) had calcified on the nerves. My surgeon said  one nerve was actually cemented onto the bone, unable to move. In addition, the center of the disc (nucleus pulposes) was no longer in the middle of my disc, but was bulging out of the opening left by the absent gunk.

Long story short, it wasn't a routine procedure. And recovery was long. And miserable.

All that to say, I'm thinking hoping that if I do need surgery again (and I think that is what he'll recommend), then this time it will be more of a routine discectomy, right? RIGHT?!? (just say 'yes' to make me feel better, 'kay?)

So, that's my update for today. As always, thanks for checking in!

Oh, it's just an old back injury...

I find myself saying these words more & more lately.

I haven't mentioned it on here, or really anywhere else, because I've ignored it best I can.

But the truth is, my back has been hurting for at least 3 months.

The numbness & tingling from last year never went away, I just got used to it. But now I'm in pain. Near constant pain.

It's tolerable. I'm not on pain meds yet. Then again, I tend to be the refuse-to-take-meds-until-I'm-completely-nonfunctional kinda person.

Using the 1 thru 10 pain scale, I'd say most of the time my pain hovers around a 3, but there have definitely been spikes up to 9, and I've thought about staying home from work / leaving work early because of it. You know, when I almost collapsed walking between buildings because of the pain that shot into my back. That day, I almost went home. But I toughed it out.

Which, if you know me, the fact that I thought about going home is saying a lot.
It feels a lot like last time, before my surgery. Lying down hurts in no time, so I wake up every night in pain & try to change positions to get comfortable again. Sitting down for long periods of time makes it very difficult to get up. I'm doing the old-lady-shuffle in my trademark hunched over fashion.

And so, I finally gave in and saw my primary care physician.

He cringed as he watched me walk, offered me pain meds (I refused), and kept saying I'm too young to be going thru this.

He should have seen me 7 years ago.

In the end, he ordered an MRI and referred me back to my original neurosurgeon. Pretty much what I was expecting.

I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, but I don't know what I'm gonna do if I need a repeat surgery. I mean, financially things will be much better (I have paid sick time, as well as short term disability now, which I did not have before), but the recovery was so difficult. I don't know how I'll manage with a preschooler.

To give you an idea, the surgeon prescribed a med to essentially knock me out within 15 min of taking it, and keep me out for 2-3 hours. The point is to force me to be as immobile as possible so the surgery site can heal. I basically slept for a month after surgery. If I remember correctly it was 4-5 weeks before I was cleared to drive. Walking was difficult. And someone has to check the site daily & change my dressing. As a single 20-something, I moved in with my folks for about 10 days (till the dressing no longer needed changed), then went home to my apartment with my cat & spent my days sleeping & watching TV & being bored out of my skull.

But healing. Which is the point.

I just can't figure out how that would possibly work with a preschooler, house, & 20 animals to take care of, plus a husband whose job requires him to be gone every 3rd night.

I know I need to stop worrying about it, because I don't even know for sure if I'll need surgery, but the planner in me can't help trying to figure it out.

So anyway, that's a little update on me. As always, thanks for checking in!

So, I had LASIK, and now I can see

You know, without corrective lenses of any sort.

I'd been wearing glasses / contacts since I was 8 years old. When they figured out I was legally blind and wondered how I'd managed to navigate the world just fine thus far.

So, I don't remember what my number was, but my vision before the surgery was such that... you know when they put that eye chart in front of you? The one that only has one letter that takes up the whole screen? Yeah... to me it looked like a blank white sheet. Couldn't even tell there was supposed to be a letter there.

And at my last post-surgery checkup? My vision was 20/15. It worked.

Now, as for the surgery itself... I can't lie, it wasn't the best experience.

Everything started out fine. I was a little nervous, but not exceptionally.

Until they put my head under the laser thingie. I may or may not have freaked out a little bit.

I may have even asked if the valium they offered me earlier was still an option.

They obliged, and did everything they could to make me comfortable. The entire staff was really sweet about everything. A few minutes later, and I was ready to go.

Still tense (yes, even with the valium), but ready.

They started with my right eye. Blah, blah, blah... I hated the entire procedure. Hated.

But it didn't hurt. I was fine. Now time for the left eye.

They put the numbing drops on my eye just like they did the right eye. But when they were cutting the flap, I swear I felt something.

So when they moved me over to begin the actual laser correction, I asked for more drops. They put one more in. I asked for more. The nurse told me they had essentially bathed my eye in numbing drops and there was no more they could do.

Although it only lasted a second, there was a moment during the procedure where I felt the laser. And it hurt.

But it only lasted a second. Millisecond maybe. And it was gone.

After the surgery my eyes didn't feel great, but that was expected. I did have a hard time opening them so they could check them in recovery, but otherwise, whatever.

By the time I got home, they hurt.

Not discomfort, as I was told to expect, but pain.

Within an hour, I was in horrible pain. I took Tylenol PM and attempted to fall asleep. But my eyes hurt. Horribly. I felt sure that if I could rest, they would feel better. But the pain was so intense that I couldn't fall asleep.

I finally asked Jason to call the office. They called in a prescription for Vicodin, he left to get it. A vicodin & another Tylenol PM later, and I finally drifted off to sleep.

I woke up just three hours later. Looking back, you'd think I'd have slept all day & night!  But no, three hours. My eyes still hurt, but not as badly. I managed to trudge out to the living room and watch some television. For about 10 minutes. It was too bright for my recovering peepers.

Back in the doctor's office the next day for a normal post-op check, and I was informed I had significant inflammation in the left eye, and an inordinate amount of broken blood vessels in the right. Awesome.

Indeed, my left eye did hurt more than the right. And the whites of my right eye were indeed red instead of white.

I was given an additional prescription eyedrop and told to come back again the next day.

The next day I was told the inflammation wasn't any better, but wasn't really worse either. Continue the bevy of drops they'd given me (3 Rx, 1 OTC) and come back in a week.

A week later, I was told that my eyes looked fine. The inflammation had resolved, and the redness in my right eye was essentially an "eye bruise" and was healing just fine.

But still... keep taking those prescription drops, and come back again in a month. Just to be sure.

Overall, while it is very nice to not need glasses or contacts anymore, I can't say I'd do it again.

Maybe I'll feel differently with a little more time between the surgery and my feelings on the subject, and I know it will be especially nice for diving. But right now I just can't say that I'd do it again. If I had known, I honestly would have just kept my contacts.

As always, thanks for checking in.

On Healing, Faith, and Emotions

Yes, I believe God can and does perform miraculous healings.

Yes, I believe God sometimes does this outside of medical intervention.

Yes, I believe God sometimes uses medical intervention to perform healings.

Yes, I have faith that God will do this at the request of His followers, within His will.

Yes, all of these things give me hope.

Yes, I believe God sometimes says 'no', for reasons we may never understand.

Yes, I believe God sometimes says 'yes... but not how you would like'

Yes, these things occasionally make me feel sad.

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When I had my accident, and for the four years thereafter, I had several people tell me I should attend a healing service, ask people to pray over my injury. I never did. Not because I thought He wouldn't, but because from the moment it happened, I had this feeling that I was supposed to go thru this, that this was my cross to bear. To ask to be healed of something I was supposed to go to seemed like a violation. When I did eventually have my surgery, the timing felt perfect, and to me it was no less miraculous than if I had been spontaneously healed years before.

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For years before he passed, my father-in-law believed that if God wanted him to be healed, God would do it. He did not want medical intervention.

Looking back on the past few years, I honestly believe God brought him thru several heart attacks in the past 3 years, none of which even incapacitated him. I can think of three such episodes just off the top of my head.

Our entire family has had great comfort in looking back over his life, and believing that he died because it was time.

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My nephew (let's call him TheBoy) has achieved incredible healing, that has been in direct opposition to what Western medicine has said his prognosis will be.

When his overdose first happened, we were told that within 48 hours the family will need to make a decision about life support (ie. whether or not to pull the plug). He was not breathing on his own at all.

Less than a week later, he can breathe on his own, he reacts to physical & emotional stimuli, he opens his eyes on command, his kidney failure resolved almost overnight, as did his liver failure.

We have gone from crying out to God to "JUST LET HIM LIVE!" (literally, I literally sat in my living room and cried those words to my Father), to asking him to be well enough to attend his sister's graduation party in 3 weeks.

Since the moment I heard of his overdose, I never had "the bad feeling", the feeling that precedes knowing someone will die (if you've had it, you know what it feels like). I have had a good feeling, an optimistic feeling, and I believed God would continue to improve TheBoy's physical condition.

Until today. I don't have "the bad feeling". But I no longer have the good feeling either. I feel strongly that God is saying this is it, this is as far as He is bringing TheBoy's physical healing.

I won't pretend to know why. And perhaps I am wrong. But I don't think I am.

My faith is still strong, and I believe God has a reason for this, we just don't know what it is yet.

And I am immensely grateful for God sparing TheBoy's life, and for the incredible improvements we have seen. I thank God for giving him another chance.

But still, I am sad. Dejected. I cannot think straight. The tears flow freely.

Friday Fragments

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My sister texted me the other day asking what I knew about rabies. She tried to rescue a cat that apparently didn't want to be rescued.

The good news? There hasn't been a confirmed case of rabies in her area in over 15 years.

Animal control caught the cat and allowed it to be quarantined for 10 days in their home.

Except it ends up their pit bull, who had never seen a cat, did not do so well.

Sort of. Long story short, it wasn't safe for the cat. So now the cat is quarantining elsewhere.

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I've met with my neurosurgeon regarding my back issues. My MRI did show injury & degeneration to L4, but since my symptoms are more of an annoying nuisance right now (as opposed to debilitating), we're going to try an alternative treatment, in the way of an epidural injection, in the hopes of avoiding, or at least postponing, surgery. Fun

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I'd also like to have Lasik eye surgery sometime soon, but with all of the other medical things going on I'm kinda waiting to see.

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FireMan's business has been doing fairly steady work for nearly a year now. Nothing huge, but slow & steady work. Which is awesome.

He's picked up three new clients just in the past two months and I am super-proud of him!

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I still can't figure out why I can post comments on some Blogger blogs and not others.

Similarly I can't figure out why some of you can post comments on my blog, but others can't.

Yo, Blogger! Fix it already!

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Last week FireGirl started going to preschool early, in time to eat breakfast there. It's quite a change for both of us, being 90 minutes earlier than her previous drop-off time, but so far, so good. Her meltdowns aren't any worse than normal, so... I guess we're good.

And... what kicked me in the butt to get her there earlier - I found out that on Wednesdays they have dance class right after breakfast. So this whole time she was missing out on dance!

I knew they offered it, and finally asked the teacher because no one ever said anything. On Wednesdays a dance teacher comes in & dance class takes the place of their first physical activity (open gym, playground, etc) time.

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Speaking of dance class, we're probably going to enroll FireGirl in a dance or tumbling class after her 3rd birthday (which is coming up way too soon!).

Right now we're just thinking we'll start at the local YMCA and see how it goes before paying for a more specialized instructor.

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I really want to take a trip to Iowa and a trip to California this year, both to visit loved ones. But it's already August, we have a trip planned in October for our anniversary, another family trip planned in December, plus I have to figure out what's going on with me medically, so... I have no idea when I'll be able to go.

Which makes me sad.

Because I really want to go this year. Like... yesterday.

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My life has been too many peaks & valleys lately. Highs & lows. Joyously goods followed by enourmous frustrations. Incredibly busy wherever-will-I-find-time, followed by same-old-ness.

I don't like this many peaks & valleys together. Stresses me a bit. I'm more of a rolling hills kinda gal, I suppose.

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Have a great weekend!

Over Five Years Ago...

this is pretty much where he was standing
when I pulled up & first saw him

I met Jason. In person.

We met online, and - breaking all the rules I'd set for myself - when he called me just two days later & asked me to meet him at a park, I agreed.

We walked the walking trail around the park (around... three miles ?), then sat on a bench in the dugout of the baseball field until dark (ie. the park closed).

The walking part is funnier when you realize I was still recovering from back surgery and couldn't really walk properly. But being in that don't-want-to-mess-up-a-good-thing mode of a new love potential, didn't say anything. And walked the entire trail. Stooped forward just a little. And in moderate pain by the end.

Since neither of us had had dinner, we drove to a nearby Skyline Chili restaurant for dinner, and ended up closing that place out (11pm).

We hugged goodbye, and parted ways.

All-in-all we spent over six hours together that night, talking. Talking about each other, our families, our past, and even what we wanted from a relationship.

Two days later we had our first official "date".

And the rest, as they say... is history.

I love you, Jason!

** all pics were taken  this year, on our "we met anniversary"

Friday Fragments

Well, my abdominal ultrasound came back normal. But I'm still having digestive problems. In fact, I think they're getting worse. So today my doctor referred me to a gastrointerologist. Joy.
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I know. Like I'm upset that my ultrasound was good? How ungrateful is that, right? It's just that if it were my gallbladder like my family doctor thought, then we'd have the surgery and be done with it.
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Not that I want surgery or anything. I just don't want any more doctor visits or test either. And I'm tired of being "sick". Imagine having a stomach virus for... going on four weeks now? Yeah. Four weeks straight. That is tamed, but not controlled, only with prescription medication. But that you still don't know when it's going to strike. So at least once, usually two or three times a day, you make a run for the bathroom. I'm just over it, you know? Was hoping the ultrasound would show the problem.
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The writing bug has struck again, and I need to find time to sit down and pound out the 10 or so blog posts I have in my head before I forget them.
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I have an entire weekend ahead (tonight thru Sunday night) of just me and Jena. And I have nothing planned. Which sounds kinda nice, but I always feel like I'm letting her down if I don't have something planned on the weekends.
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Maybe we'll go to the library again. I took her last week, and we checked out her first library book. I think she's in love! Yay!
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I think Jason's mad at me. We had a sorta-argument last night. It's a repeat: you know, one we have over & over, because we both think we're right.
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I had some quiet time yesterday morning. I went out on the deck to feed & water the dogs, and just decided to sit. So I sat on the steps to the deck. And in a miraculous event, the dogs did not respond with the normal jealous push-each-other-out-of-the-way-nearly-knocking-me-over-to-get-my-attention reaction. Buddy came and sat in front of me, so I started petting his head. Tootsie alternately took bites of food and came up calmly behind me to lick my ear / neck / back of head. Flopsy went exploring. It was early morning, the sun was beginning to shine thru the trees, and it was peaceful. I sat for maybe 10 minutes. And was still. It was good.
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Yo Gabba Gabba is growing on me. And their songs are stuck in my head all. day. long.
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Have a great weekend!

Friday Fragments

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So far FireGirl's new preschool is going really well. Except for drop-offs. And that they keep not giving her her paci for naptime. Other than that, great.

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FireMan & I did a mini-vacation last weekend. One of these days I'll post some pics. It was a nice time to relax, and reconnect. Much needed, and well-timed.

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Got my MRI results. Yep, a fragment from my disc (same one) has broken off and is "dangling down" and interfering with the nerves in my spine. I have a surgical consult scheduled for next month.

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Did I tell ya'll about the weird stomach virus I had last week? and the week before? and back in March? Well, my mom finally convinced me that there was no way that could be a virus. I saw my family doctor yesterday. He thinks it's my gall bladder. Great. They're supposed to call me sometime today to schedule an ultrasound. Oh, and if it is my gall bladder, I'll probably need surgery. Because if it's progressed to the point of interfering with my digestive system, there's not much more they can do. Great.

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I've decided I need to start photographing & keeping track of the wildlife we see at our house. We see so many interesting things. Last week alone: five-lined skink, various frogs & toads, white-tailed deer, snake (still unidentified), pileated woodpecker, two other kinds of woodpeckers, lots of birdies, box turtle (actually a tortoise, but whatever).
In the past we've also seen walking sticks (maybe my favorite insect), raccoons, opossums, salamanders, another type of turtle (still unidentified), another type of snake (still unidentified), tree frogs, and... I'm sure a bunch of others I'm forgetting.
Plus all the buggies. I'm learning a lot about bugs. Which are good. Which are truly icky. Which I hate so much I kill with a vengeance on sight.
But I love nature. And I find all this wildlife invigorating, inspiring, and peaceful.

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I have a new boss. Again. Four bosses in seven months. Basically now I just directly report to the guy above the other three guys. And he sat down with me and apologized for all the confusion and that none of it was my fault, that it was management's fault for not getting their act together. I've worked with him for years, and I really like him, and think it'll be good, but all the changes still kinda stress me out. Being the only one here who does what I do, I've had to "train" each one of them on my job and what I do and stuff. And it's just getting really old.

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Next week I'm scheduled to clean the manatee tank at the zoo again. For the first time in over a year. They finally called me out on not doing it in too long. My fault, totally. But now I'm nervous. Not about the manatees, about the diving. And about squeezing my butt into my wetsuit.
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We bought FireGirl a giant floor puzzle of the United States. She loves it. Asks to play with it every day, but unfortunately usually at very inopportune times. Like five minutes before we're supposed to leave. Which is probably her plan, as she is brilliant at crafting stall tactics. But anyway, she loves it, which makes me happy. Because I like when we can make learning fun for her. Because I'm a dork. And she's a genius    =P
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Speaking of FireGirl, she has discovered Yo Gabba Gabba. And it is her latest obsession. What little I knew about the show pretty much came from The Original Bean's posts. So far, I like that it tends to get her moving, even early in the morning. Lots of dancing. Which she hasn't done much of since she got tired of watching Angelina Ballerina about three months ago. And the lessons are nice, I suppose. Same as most kids' shows, just delivered differently. But mostly I think it's really weird. Although I do like the DJ guy, because he reminds me of a friend from college    =P

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Have a great weekend!

Well, I had my MRI

45 minutes in a narrow little tube on Saturday, and I already have the results.

My family doctor called yesterday and said that the MRI showed that a fragment of my disc has broken off and his "kinda hanging down", interfering with the nerves.

I'm kinda struggling to really understand that, but basically, I have somehow managed to re-injure the same disc as before.

They are recommending a surgical consult at this point.

But... more because a neurosurgeon is the expert that knows about these types of injuries and can recommend the best course of treatment.

Apparently there are some new sort of steroidal injections that have shown some success in shrinking these types of fragments.

Or he said the surgeon might think that several rounds of physical therapy might due the trick.

I don't know.

I'd be willing to try the injections.

But the PT? I guess after last time... I just hate to spend all that time and effort going thru physical therapy, only to end up on the surgeon's table anyway, you know?

But that's why he's sending me to the surgeon. To see.

The good news is that the neurosurgery practice I went to five years ago (and 45 minutes away), does have surgeons that come to the hospital here, and our family doctor highly recommends I stay with that practice. Apparently it is the neurosurgery practice that they recommend to all of their patients, and consider the top in the area.

Good to know.

As far as my symptoms go, I've had very little pain since that one 4-day episode. I did make the mistake of jumping last week with FireGirl, and immediately knew it was a mistake. I was in very minor pain for a couple of hours, but it was enough to remind me that I need to be carefu - really careful - until we get this taken care of.

But I do still have the tingling / numbish sensation in my legs, particularly my right leg. It's become so frequent now that I don't even really notice anymore. Unless someone asks me, or I'm telling someone about it (like right now when I'm typing). Like at the MRI when the tech asked if I'd had any tingling recently. I sat for a minute and was like "oh, yeah, like right now?"

It doesn't really hinder me at this point, just is a minor annoyance.

But I know the drill, I know the lecture. The what-if's that go along with leg tingling & numbness. The possibilities for it progressing into worse - much worse.

And so... I will call to schedule my consult sometime this week. And at work I've begun making sure the work instructions for my job are up-to-date, and given my boss a heads up on the possibility of me being off. Seeing as how I'm the only one who knows how to do my job and all, I figure they'd appreciate that.

Part of me says I should be taking this more seriously than I am. I guess part of my brain knows how serious it could be. Potentially.
But... I also feel like I've been thru so much worse, right?

And this is just really inconvenient, which is annoying me.

I have things I want to do. And a job. And a house to clean. And a daughter to take care of.
In reverse order of priority.

Right now, I'm functioning, for the most part, normally.

Sure, this could potentially be serious, but if I have surgery I will definitely not be functioning normally, for what is most likely an extended period of time.

That idea annoys me. Greatly.

Thanks for checking in. I'll keep ya'll updated.

Thoughts on Faith Healing

Simply because it's been on my mind lately.

My father-in-law has a heart condition for which he has decided to refuse all medical treatment. Well, he refused all medical treatment, starting over a year ago.

He is relying on God to heal him, if it is His will.

He also talks a lot about positive thinking, and how the Bible tells us to set our thoughts on things above.

"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."    -- Phillipians 4:8

I've found that people are often surprised that I do in fact believe in faith healing. I'm not sure why.

"And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up;..."    -- James 5:16a

I will say, though, that I don't think that healing has to be done by someone especially anointed by the Holy Spirit with the spiritual gift of healing.
But I also believe in the power of positive thinking. It's been proven that having a positive outlook on things actually changes our body's chemistry, improves healing, and just plain old makes us feel better.

And I think they are separate.

And I think that sometimes people are quick to attribute to the supernatural what can be easily explained by the natural. And I don't think that serves God, or does Him justice. In fact, I think that does God a disservice. It makes others less likely to believe us when true miracles occur, because they've heard so many stories about our explainable "miracles" (ie. FireWife's had another "miracle" happen {snicker, snicker}). And it lessens the... specialness (?? - struggling for the right word) when God does perform true miracles.

I also believe that God has endowed certain individuals with knowledge and talents in the medical arts for a reason - so that we can benefit from them. My own story regarding my back injury - I am convinced that God was with me every step of the way, down to the doctors I ended up with, how the surgery panned out, etc. From the moment of my accident I believed God had a reason for me to go thru this injury, and to me, the healing that was performed by medical professionals is no less wondrous than a more supernatural healing.

"...They that be whole need not a physician, but they that are sick."    --Matthew 9:12

So, that is a very short, somewhat disjointed (because I wanted to not go too long) post about my thoughts on faith healing.
 
Thanks for checking in!

the ABCs of me

inspired by JenM

Guess it's about time I told ya'll a little bit about me, huh?

A - Age: 33

B – Bed size: Queen

C – Chore you hate: floors (vacuuming and mopping)

D – Dog's name: Buddy (male Anatolian Shepherd, approx. 9 years old), Tootsie (female chocolate Lab, 10 years old, and Flopsy (male Chihuahua / Rat Terrier mix, approx. 5 years old
E – Essential start to your day item: toilet (LOL!)

F – Favorite color: I always say blue, but lately I've noticed myself favoring purple

G – Gold or Silver: Silver

H – Height: 5'6" (I've shrunk over an inch, ask me how!)

I – Instruments you play: trumpet

J – Job title: Professional Staff. Also known as Contracted Administrative Specialist.

K – Kid(s): Jena, who turned two this month!

L – Living arrangements: Ugh. Tough right now. Jason stays at the new-under-renovation house when he's not at the firehouse. Most nights that he's there I try to stay there. Jena spends most nights at my parents' house, and when Jason is at the firehouse, I spend the night with Jena at my parents'. And it's getting old.

M – Milk: 2%
N – Nicknames: nothing interesting

O – Overnight hospital stay other than birth: back surgery in 2006

P – Pet Peeve: drivers who don't use their turn signals

Q – Quote from a movie: "In case I forget to tell you later, I had a really good time tonight" -- Vivian (played by Jula Roberts) in Pretty Woman

R – Right or left handed: Right

S – Siblings: one sister & one brother, both older

T – Time you wake up: too early, but apparently never early enough. Lately it's between 7am-7:30am

U- Underwear: yes

V – Vegetable you dislike: beans

W – Ways you run late: Jena! and I'm pretty easily distracted

X – X-rays: abdomen, back, head, full-body scan. Pretty much everything but my arms & legs

Y – Yummy food you make: marinated grilled chicken

Z – Zoo animals: the cat house! and the manatees!

My Past is Haunting Me

And not in that I-screwed-up-and-am-paying-the-consequences sort of way. In the someone-else-screwed-up-and-I'm-paying-the-consequences sort of way.

And I don't like it.

Remember my post about how they were gonna double our down payment because I had a bankruptcy in my past? Well, late yesterday we got word that they might not approve us at all because of it.

Ugh.

According to the loan officer they can make exceptions if the filing were the result of truly extenuating circumstances, which I feel mine was. So I submitted a letter detailing my accident, injury, surgery, blah, blah, blah and how this affected my financial status at the time.

I mean, my credit since then has been fine. Haven't even been late with one payment. My credit score has gone up a little bit each year. I've done all the right things, financially speaking. I think, anyway.

We haven't heard anything since I submitted the letter.

It just really kinda ticks me off. In a way I feel like I'm being punished because of something someone else did.

I mean, the lady that hit me? She ran a red light, and got a ticket, and had some minor damage to her car. I get hit, and have a totalled car, a lifetime injury, years of pain, and a subsequent bankruptcy on my record. How is that fair?

Oh, and to add insult to injury, I needed to move a cinder block this morning. One cinder block. Yep, you guessed it. About 30 minutes later my back went out. I've been in some level of pain pretty much all day. Luckily for me, it's been just a little pain most of the time, punctuated by episodes of pain so bad you almost fall over when it hits you. All because I moved one cinder block. Stupid back.
And no, FireMan wasn't home. And yes, it needed to be moved before he'll get home. So unless FireGirl got some miraculous super-strength, I didn't have much of a choice.

So I know it's only been a day, but I really want a definitive answer. Yay or Nay. Yes or no. New house or old house. I hate this hanging in limbo thing. And the paperwork the loan officer had sent previously had a tentative closing date Jun 28, so it's not like we have a ton of time. We just really need to know what's gonna happen.

Ugh. Life. Isn't. Fair.

So, the bank called FireMan late yesterday.

They nearly doubled the down payment they would require from us. Money we don't have on hand.

Why, you ask? Because I have a bankruptcy in my past.

It was all I could do to keep from crying at work when he told me.

See, remember me telling you about the car accident I was in in 2002? The one where I hurt my back? And then the surgery I had in 2006? Well, long story short, after a three year legal battle with the car insurance company, I didn't even get enough money to pay my medical bills, let alone replace my totalled car, or pay me for lost wages. I was left with thousands of dollars of debt, mostly to different doctors.

By the way, I definitely do not recommend Nationwide Insurance. I guarantee they spent more in legal fees over the course of three years than we were even asking for in the settlement. I just wanted to get my bills paid.

So, in 2006, after the surgery bills were added on top of the other bills I'd been struggling to pay for the previous four years, I couldn't make it anymore. I spent about six months living off of Totinos Pizzas (they were only $1 at Remkes) and water. Sometimes KoolAid or some mac-n-cheese for a treat. A special treat would be the 79-cent cheeseburger from the McDonald's down the street. No cable. No shopping. No frills. At. All. I remember when I finally met with a bankruptcy attorney, and she sent me to a financial counselor (as required by the bankruptcy laws). He said he didn't know how I'd made it like that for so long. But I was determined to pay off my debts. I tried. I really, really tried. But the bills got to be too much. I couldn't make it any longer.

So... I'm in a car accident in 2002. A woman accelerates thru a red light, t-boning my car, totalling both my vehicle & my back in the process, giving me what doctors consider a "lifetime injury", and if that's not enough, we might now lose our dream house because of the financial repercussions. For something that was never my fault to begin with.

Live. Isn't. Fair.

At the time of my bankruptcy filing, over 75% of my debt was related to medical expenses. When you factor in my college education, over 97% of my debt was related to either medical or education.
I'm not saying I never made a frivolous purchase in my life, but I can honestly say that the vast majority of my debt was related to either medical or education expenses.
And yet these bankruptcies are treated the exact same way as people who just run up their credit cards and live it up on consumer debt.

Not. Fair.

They really need to come up with two separate categories for bankruptcies. One category for responsible people who just hit some hard times. And one for irresponsible people who just lived beyond their means and can't (or don't) manage their money well.

It's just so frustrating. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I'm sad. I'm disappointed. And I feel a little guilty that because of my history, FireMan is upset about us possibly not getting the house. It sucks.

It's not over yet. Our realtor is working with us to see what options we have. Apparently we might qualify for a rural home development program, which would cover our entire downpayment (why didn't he tell us about this before?!?), and there are some other loan options we might qualify for. But for right now our lending is stalled until we figure something out.

On a sort-of positive note, the inspection was this morning, and the house passed. The inspector didn't find anything that we didn't already know about. Yay! So that's good.

Now we just have to see if this lending thing will work out.

Thanks for checking in.

Looks like P90x is a bust

We started P90x last Monday, working out in the evenings after FireGirl went to bed.

Day 1 went great.
Day 2 went great.
Day 3 went great.
Day 4, while at work, I had two bad back spasms. Decided to take the day off from working out.
Day 5, still experiencing some minor back pain, made that a rest day too.
Day 6, started the workout. About four exercises in, had a small back spasm. Sat out the rest of that exercise and started up again with the next one. Another small back spasm. Rinse, repeat. Decided I'd better stop before I have a bad one.

Grrr. I was really excited about this workout program. Especially after the first three days went so well. Now I'm pretty bummed. I'm glad I tried, but with my history of back problems (car accident in 2002, surgery in 2006), I have to be careful.
I guess I'm just disappointed because I've been able to do so much since my surgery, that was unthinkable before the surgery. When I'm hit with that harsh reminder that my injury is considered a "lifetime" injury, it means just that. I will be dealing with this injury in one way or another for the rest of my life.

Guess I'll just go back to eating salads (blech!) and trying to be more active in little ways.

{sigh}