It's Sunday. I Need a New Job. Or Something.

Following our anniversary, we stayed home to work on renovations. And after having six business days off work (10 days total), I was dreading going back to work on Monday.

Dreading it.

The fact that FireMan seemed happy to go back, just really annoyed me. He was practically singing as he gathered his gear and placed it by the front door.

I mean, I'm happy for him and all - happy that he has his dream job. But... annoyed. Kinda like when you're not a morning person, and some happy chipper person keeps buzzing around your face, you know? You just kinda wanna swat it down.

It just... I just... I get no fulfillment from my job. One of the mornings we were off we cleaned the manatee tank. I woke up tired & cranky. FireMan kept irritating me. Or maybe it was just because I was already cranky. Whatever. I was in a foul mood. Frustrated. Stressed.

And then I got in the tank. I vacuumed up poop. I scrubbed walls. I wiped down windows. I fed manatees.

All of which is physically demanding labor.

And I got out in a better mood, and much more relaxed, than when I went in.

Pretty sure it wasn't the actual work

Why can't my real job be like that? Why can't I leave my paying job in a better mood than when I go in, instead of the other way around?

I have such a hard time explaining it. I mean, I actually do like what I do. And I love the vast majority of the people I work with. But I get no real satisfaction from it, no fulfillment. It's just a job. And it is sucking the life out of me.

I literally get a greater sense of satisfaction from doing a load of laundry at home. Or taking out the garbage. Or cleaning out the kitty litter.

And it's not just the lack of fulfillment. It's that when during the work week, I feel so stressed all the time. All. The. Time. I have to work to relax, which is just ironic, and in some ways adds additional pressure to my life.

I mean, really, when you're feeling pressure to relax... I think it's a sign something might be wrong.

Maybe it comes down to balance. Or lack thereof.

Whatever it is, I hate it. I dread it. And I sat there and fretted and sighed and moaned and dreaded going back. And Sunday night I stayed up really late, because in some crazy illogical way I thought it would postpone Monday morning.

And Monday rolled around, and lived up to all of my expectations. The day started okay. But I knew it would be a crazy day at work, having been off for a week, and we had class at church that night, which we're already pressed for time to make it to, so when I was fixing FireGirl's breakfast and realized we needed more milk, I knew I'd have to factor in a trip to the store. Then I got in the car and saw that FireMan had left me just enough gas to get me thru today, but not enough to get back to work tomorrow, I knew I'd have to factor in a trip to the gas station sometime. And then we got to FireGirl's preschool and they informed me they were going to start transitioning her to her new classroom this week. Which means longer drop-offs all week. Which means I have to work a little bit later to make up the time. And then I get to work, and yes, have 898 new messages in my inbox. And am informed that I have to present on not one, but two, topics at a division-wide meeting that afternoon. And during the meeting our General Manager starts quizzing me about a third topic. And somewhere in there Once Upon A Child calls and says my box is ready for pickup, and if I don't pick it up within 24 hours, they'll donate everything to charity. And I realize I forgot the book for my class.

So I make the decision that I'm skipping class that night. You can make up sessions online anyway. Stay a little bit late at work to make up for the longer preschool dropoff that morning. Go the vending machine & get some goldfish for FireGirl because I know it's gonna be a late dinner. Leave work. Pick up FireGirl at preschool. Head to OUAC to get my box o'stuff. Then to the bank because I have no cash. Then the grocery store for milk. Then the gas station. Finally head home.

I got home just before 8pm and started dinner. Frozen pizza. Did the dishes while the pizza was in the oven.

And yes, of course FireGirl needed a bath.

She didn't even get to bed until 9:45pm. After she went to bed I did two loads of laundry, between folding laundry & putting new loads in, I changed the baby chicks' bedding, fed & watered all the animals. And thought about dusting the living room. I also thought about taking a shower and thought about making my lunch for the next day. But since it was already midnight, I decided to go to bed.

Other than bathtime, I didn't get to play with my daughter at all that first Monday back. Not once. I skipped a class I really wanted to go to in favor of errands that needed to be run. Exhausted (lack of sleep + time of the month + trying to get sick) I overslept that morning.

I hope this isn't coming across whiny, because I don't intend it to. I'm not in a whiny frame of mind at all. I'm just stating the facts of my day. This is what happened. And that is a fairly typical experience. Not every day, for sure. But enough. Enough that I consider it typical.

And it sucks the life out of me.

It just seems so backwards.

I spend so much more time doing something I get no gratification from, and what I do find satisfying, what is my priority in life, gets my leftovers.

Is it just me, or is that backwards?

Maybe that's why I feel so out of balance sometimes. What do you think?

Trip to the Zoo in Pictures

FireMan teaching FireGirl about insects

watching the gorillas

brushing a goat in the Children's Zoo

First time riding the train

Photo by FireGirl - she directed us to "make a funny face"

Cheeta

Peacock - photo by FireGirl

Loving on the manatee statue

Hiding behind the manatee statue

Is Anyone's Life NOT a Stumble-Upon ??

Last month Kelle Hampton wrote a great post about how we stumble upon awesome things in life. That really got me thinking.

First, about how my life is such a stumble-upon. Like... just about everything, it seems. A million little accidental findings that have turned out to be the best scenario for me. Ever.

And then I got to thinking... is anyone's life not a stumble-upon? Does anyone out there actually live according to their plans? Does anyone not just stumble thru life, coming upon the things we do and things we have mostly by... accident... fate... God?

Of course, we do have a choice... free will... We choose whether or not to turn down that inviting street, go into that unique shop, "wink" back at that cute guy.

We stumble upon things that are different than where we are, what we are doing, and we decide if we want to take the risk in exploring the stumble-upon that is tugging at us, or go back to road we were travelling safely a few moments before.

We stumble upon these things that we weren't looking for, but almost seem as though they were looking for us. And when we feel that pull, that tug towards the stumble-upon... well, it's hard to resist that tug towards the unknown. The previously unknown.

It appears I do a lot of stumbling.

Like how I met my husband.

And how he stumbled upon our house while helping his parents look for one of their own.

And how I got Tucker because, well, it seemed like a good day to get a cat. The tug was strong that day, practically driving me to the shelter.

And Jena? Most definitely a blessed stumble-upon.

Diving with the manatees? Stumbled upon.

My major in college? Stumbled upon.

Joining the college band? Stumbled upon.

So many things. So many things not planned. Not planned in my wildest dreams. But stumbled upon when I wasn't looking for them. There they were, tugging at my heart, begging me to turn down the next street, veer off the road I was on, change my course...

My life is one big stumble-upon. And I couldn't be happier about it.

"No, that is not a manatee. That is me in a wetsuit."

And no, you don't get pictures    =P

So, here's my confession. My so-embarrassing-I-cried-when-I-finally-admitted-it-to-FireMan-last-year confession.

He kept bugging me about doing the manatee tank. It had been too long since I had done it, I enjoyed doing it, it was something we could do together, etc.

So what was the problem?

I had gained so much weight that I no longer fit into my wetsuit.

The wetsuit I bought after FireGirl was born.

And wetsuits, for those of you who don't know, tend to be very stretchy, very... forgiving.

As I start to tell the story, I realize I never told you any of the story...
In 2010, for FireMan's birthday, I surprised him with a trip to Florida to dive in the hot springs and snorkel with the manatees. Like, I tucked away cash here & there for a year-and-a-half (small amounts so he wouldn't notice, any cash I received for my birthday or Christmas, etc), spent about two months planning it, called his boss to schedule his vacation, and surprised him with a certificate that said "We leave tomorrow".

Yes, you do wish I were your wife. Because I am that awesome.

And to answer the question before it's asked: yes, that was before our marital problems surfaced. Or at least before I saw them.

{{ mental note - seems like there's a whole 'nother post in there I could write on later}}
Okay. Are we all caught up now? Good.

So on that trip, as we were preparing for our first snorkel with the manatees, and I put on my wetsuit, I thought it felt a little snug, but, well, wetsuits are always a little snug. And mine zips up the back, which I should be able to do myself, considering the long zipper pull, but it was morning, and I'm not a morning person, and things just weren't working, so Hunny, will you please help zip me up?

It took about a half a nanosecond for both of us to realize the problem.

I sucked in. He pushed on me, and squeezed on the wetsuit, and pulled on the zipper.

Until the zipper broke.

It still zips (thank the Lord!), but pull tab? Broken. Won't even hold the string of the zipper pull anymore.

And this happened in front of other people.

I was humiliated. Embarassed. Mortified.

Self-esteem plummeted instantly.

I did manage to enjoy the snorkel, and the rest of the snorkels & dives on the trip. And FireMan mastered the art of sausaging me into my wetsuit.

Devestating.

That trip, in early 2010, was the last time I put on my wetsuit until last Friday.

I had managed, barely, to get thru that trip. But I also gained more weight after that trip. I never tried it, but in my head there was no way it would fit. And wetsuits are not cheap, so I didn't want to buy a new one, when that one was only a couple of years old and barely worn. And we have to be at the zoo so early, that if I rented one I'd have to pay two days of rental fees for a mere two hours of diving.

But mostly... I was embarrassed. Horrifyingly embarrassed. The thought of putting on a wetsuit, or trying to put on a wetsuit, in front of other people seemed like about the most awful idea in the world. I was ashamed of myself, embarrassed of my body, and just the thought of it made me feel about yay big.

Just the thought of it made me feel so bad, that one day last year, when FireMan was asking me yet again when I was going to go back, I finally broke down in tears, confessed why I hadn't signed up, and begged him to stop asking so I could stop thinking about it.

To his credit, he did not ask me any more after that. Even when he went by himself a couple of times.

Still nervous, I knew I had lost weight, so when the manatee keeper contacted me and said it had been too long since I had been there and I needed to either sign up, or quit... I signed up.

Yes, in saying that I'm also saying that if he'd given me that choice last year, I probably would have turned in my volunteer badge. I was that mortified.

So that, dear readers, is my confession. Something that up until now only I and FireMan knew. But now you.

Diving with the Manatees

You may remember from a previous post or two that FireMan & I are volunteer divers at the zoo. We clean the manatee tank.

Well, it had been quite a while since I had been (post about that to follow), and last Friday was my first time back in the tank in what seemed like forever.

It was good. Very good.

As a scuba diver, it was good just to get back in the water. Living in the Midwest, unless you travel pretty far, your only options are pretty much cold water dives. Which were fine... until my first ocean dive. Ha! That warm water ruined me for those cold quarry dives.

And then it's good to see the manatees. Being an endangered species, any manatees in captivity are part of a rehabilitation program, with the hopes of eventual release. It's just so good to be a small part of that effort.

And it was good to get news.

The zoo's previous manatees, Slip & Li'l Joe, were sent to Florida at the end of 2009 to finish their rehab and be released. We found out that Slip is doing very well, while Li'l Joe has had some difficulty adjusting to life in the wild. He's not really catching on, and has had to be pulled back in and re-released three times now. This last time he happened to be released near where Slip was, and they met up and have been hanging out for some time now. Everyone is hopeful that being near his old friend, and following  Slip's lead, will help Li'l Joe get things figured out so he can permanently stay in the wild. Hopefully.

So now the zoo has three new manatees: Betsy, Illusion, and... ??  I feel horrible that I don't remember the third one's name. For now I will call him "Baby M".

Betsy was born in captivity while her momma was in a rehab program. She is now 20 years old, and has never lived anywhere but in captivity. That used to be a sentence for either death when released, or simply a lifetime in captivity. Now that FWS (Fish & Wildlife Services) uses GPS tracking, they are able to release them, and monitor their progress, pulling them back in when needed. Success rate for manatees raised in captivity is still only about 50%.

See, ends up this feeding / migrating / what-to-do thing, for manatees at least, isn't as much instinctual as it is learned. So if babies aren't in the wild with their mommas when they are very young, then... they don't learn it. It's up to us humans to try to teach (or "rehabilitate") them.

Illusion was my personal favorite. Probably because she also seemed to take a liking to me. We're not supposed to touch the manatees, except to push them away if need be. But they can touch us all they want. She was all over me! The whole two hours! Kept swimming by me, nibbling on my fins, I swear she was performing for me at one point (it was so cute), knocked me into the window once, and towards the end I even got three manatee kisses (they come right up to you with their noses and "kiss" you - very lightly touching / pushing on your face / goggles).

Her story makes me sad. She was pulled out of the wild because of a severe injury from a boat propellor. It cut through the muscles leading to her tail, which is how manatees propel themselves. The muscles are permanently damaged, but luckily over time the surrounding muscles have picked up the slack and she is now able to get around the water just fine! The head manatee keeper expects her to be the next to be released, possibly later this year. Although they & the zoo veterinarian just make recommendations, and it's up to FWS to make the final call. We'll see! It would be awesome to have her back in her natural habitat.

And then there's Baby M. So little. Baby M was pulled from the water during the winter months due to signs of severe cold stress. He was very thin, and had ulcers that covered most of his body. Florida has been hit with several cold winters in a row, and this has had a devestating effect on the manatee population. He is now doing well. At two years old his skin is as smooth as can be, oddly void of the scars from boat propellors that most manatees have. He is eating well, and gaining weight like a champ, but still needs to gain a couple of hundred pounds before he meets the minimum qualifications for release. Luckily he did start out in the wild with his momma, so his chances of a successful release are pretty good.

As you might be able to tell, thru our volunteer efforts FireMan & I have become... attached... to manatees. They have become an animal favorite for each of us, and we've started teaching FireGirl about them as well.

Such noble, gentle, curious animals - endangered (as so many are) simply because of man's carelessness.

There are various ways to support the manatees, even from the comfort of your own home.

Organizations that promote manatee protection:
http://www.savethemanatee.org/
http://www.savethemanatee.org/sirenian.htm

Zoos & Other Organizations that rehabilitation manatees:

http://cincinnatizoo.org/
http://www.columbuszoo.org/
http://www.lowryparkzoo.com/
http://miamiseaquarium.com/
http://www.seaworld.com/
http://disneyworld.disney.go.com/

*note* these are not complete lists

Friday Fragments

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So far FireGirl's new preschool is going really well. Except for drop-offs. And that they keep not giving her her paci for naptime. Other than that, great.

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FireMan & I did a mini-vacation last weekend. One of these days I'll post some pics. It was a nice time to relax, and reconnect. Much needed, and well-timed.

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Got my MRI results. Yep, a fragment from my disc (same one) has broken off and is "dangling down" and interfering with the nerves in my spine. I have a surgical consult scheduled for next month.

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Did I tell ya'll about the weird stomach virus I had last week? and the week before? and back in March? Well, my mom finally convinced me that there was no way that could be a virus. I saw my family doctor yesterday. He thinks it's my gall bladder. Great. They're supposed to call me sometime today to schedule an ultrasound. Oh, and if it is my gall bladder, I'll probably need surgery. Because if it's progressed to the point of interfering with my digestive system, there's not much more they can do. Great.

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I've decided I need to start photographing & keeping track of the wildlife we see at our house. We see so many interesting things. Last week alone: five-lined skink, various frogs & toads, white-tailed deer, snake (still unidentified), pileated woodpecker, two other kinds of woodpeckers, lots of birdies, box turtle (actually a tortoise, but whatever).
In the past we've also seen walking sticks (maybe my favorite insect), raccoons, opossums, salamanders, another type of turtle (still unidentified), another type of snake (still unidentified), tree frogs, and... I'm sure a bunch of others I'm forgetting.
Plus all the buggies. I'm learning a lot about bugs. Which are good. Which are truly icky. Which I hate so much I kill with a vengeance on sight.
But I love nature. And I find all this wildlife invigorating, inspiring, and peaceful.

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I have a new boss. Again. Four bosses in seven months. Basically now I just directly report to the guy above the other three guys. And he sat down with me and apologized for all the confusion and that none of it was my fault, that it was management's fault for not getting their act together. I've worked with him for years, and I really like him, and think it'll be good, but all the changes still kinda stress me out. Being the only one here who does what I do, I've had to "train" each one of them on my job and what I do and stuff. And it's just getting really old.

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Next week I'm scheduled to clean the manatee tank at the zoo again. For the first time in over a year. They finally called me out on not doing it in too long. My fault, totally. But now I'm nervous. Not about the manatees, about the diving. And about squeezing my butt into my wetsuit.
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We bought FireGirl a giant floor puzzle of the United States. She loves it. Asks to play with it every day, but unfortunately usually at very inopportune times. Like five minutes before we're supposed to leave. Which is probably her plan, as she is brilliant at crafting stall tactics. But anyway, she loves it, which makes me happy. Because I like when we can make learning fun for her. Because I'm a dork. And she's a genius    =P
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Speaking of FireGirl, she has discovered Yo Gabba Gabba. And it is her latest obsession. What little I knew about the show pretty much came from The Original Bean's posts. So far, I like that it tends to get her moving, even early in the morning. Lots of dancing. Which she hasn't done much of since she got tired of watching Angelina Ballerina about three months ago. And the lessons are nice, I suppose. Same as most kids' shows, just delivered differently. But mostly I think it's really weird. Although I do like the DJ guy, because he reminds me of a friend from college    =P

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Have a great weekend!

Goals for the New Year (and beyond)

Around November I started coming up with a list of things I wanted to accomplish, or improve upon, for myself.

Since it was already November, I thought I might as well wait until January - New Year, New Start, right?

And then 2011 started off pretty craptastically for me (yeah, I know you don't know the details, I've kept the vast majority of it private), so I just didn't care any more.

But that list is still there, in the back of my mind. Things I want to accomplish, see happen, improve upon.

Some have details & timelines, others are pretty vague. But then again, I've learned life is like that anyway, right? Somethings are detailed with clear timeframes, other things are pretty vague.

Here's the list (so far), in no particular order:

post pics to my blog on a more regular basis
learn to use a drill (correctly & effectively)

dive more

fit into my wedding dress by our 5th wedding anniversary (inspired by Jene)

dive with sharks (again)

take Jena to swim with the manatees

begin composting

There will be more, of that I am certain. I'll try to remember to keep you posted on my progress for each.

As always, thanks for checking in!

the ABCs of me

inspired by JenM

Guess it's about time I told ya'll a little bit about me, huh?

A - Age: 33

B – Bed size: Queen

C – Chore you hate: floors (vacuuming and mopping)

D – Dog's name: Buddy (male Anatolian Shepherd, approx. 9 years old), Tootsie (female chocolate Lab, 10 years old, and Flopsy (male Chihuahua / Rat Terrier mix, approx. 5 years old
E – Essential start to your day item: toilet (LOL!)

F – Favorite color: I always say blue, but lately I've noticed myself favoring purple

G – Gold or Silver: Silver

H – Height: 5'6" (I've shrunk over an inch, ask me how!)

I – Instruments you play: trumpet

J – Job title: Professional Staff. Also known as Contracted Administrative Specialist.

K – Kid(s): Jena, who turned two this month!

L – Living arrangements: Ugh. Tough right now. Jason stays at the new-under-renovation house when he's not at the firehouse. Most nights that he's there I try to stay there. Jena spends most nights at my parents' house, and when Jason is at the firehouse, I spend the night with Jena at my parents'. And it's getting old.

M – Milk: 2%
N – Nicknames: nothing interesting

O – Overnight hospital stay other than birth: back surgery in 2006

P – Pet Peeve: drivers who don't use their turn signals

Q – Quote from a movie: "In case I forget to tell you later, I had a really good time tonight" -- Vivian (played by Jula Roberts) in Pretty Woman

R – Right or left handed: Right

S – Siblings: one sister & one brother, both older

T – Time you wake up: too early, but apparently never early enough. Lately it's between 7am-7:30am

U- Underwear: yes

V – Vegetable you dislike: beans

W – Ways you run late: Jena! and I'm pretty easily distracted

X – X-rays: abdomen, back, head, full-body scan. Pretty much everything but my arms & legs

Y – Yummy food you make: marinated grilled chicken

Z – Zoo animals: the cat house! and the manatees!

Rainy Sunday at the Zoo

We went to the zoo yesterday after church. Rained most of the day, but we still had a good time. Wandered from exhibit house to exhibit house when the rain was light, stayed indoors when it was heavier. FireGirl loved the Cat House. No big surprise there. She especially loved the snow leopard.

FireMan & I spent the first two hours there cleaning the tank at Manatee Springs. It was neat to be able to look up and out the glass and see FireGirl there looking at us. At first she was really scared. I think all the scuba equipment freaked her out. But she eventually waved back at me. My inlaws were with us, and managed to get some pretty decent pics of FireMan & I in the exhibit.

The manatees, Slip & Li'l Joe, will be leaving the Zoo in October. It's a good thing really. They're part of a rehabilitation program, and will be moving to Florida to take the final steps to be released back into the wild. I haven't been volunteering with them very long, but already I know I'm gonna miss those gentle giants.

So after our busy, productive, and fun day at the Zoo, I am sore and tired, but glad we had a good day.

You have a good day too, 'kay?