Update on Gastric Sleeve - sorry it's been so long!

Wow.

Surgical recovery and parenting and... wow, next thing you know I am WAY behind on keeping you guys updated.

I had gastric sleeve a few months ago, and things are going great! I am down roughly 70 lbs and feel wonderful. My energy us up, I just feel so much better, I can do more... I just can't tell you how great I feel. I feel stronger, more capable... in short, I feel like I'm getting back to my old self. And indeed weight-wise I am! I have already hit my first personal weight goal, which was to hit my pre-pregnancy weight... before my first child. That milestone has been met and I am currently less than 10 lbs from my next milestone, my wedding weight.

It's been a journey, and not without bumps. I had some pretty bad pain early on post-surgery, enough that there were concerns of there being a leak in the suture line in my stomach, but the pain eventually faded with no other signs of a leak, so that was good. Painful, but not like it could be. Eating, even drinking, was quite a struggle at first, and I was unable to get in the proper amount of liquids, and then later protein for quite a while. I just couldn't even force it down, it was so difficult, uncomfortable, and even painful any time I drank or ate.

I still get uncomfortable at times, but for the most part the act of eating is back to normal. I had my 3-month follow up the other day, and while I did get scolded for still not getting enough water and not taking my multi-vitamins, the nutritionist said that my progress has been so great that she can't really yell at me. Ha!

One thing that has amazed me is that the surgery really seems to be working. I know, it's ridiculous. That's why I had it to begin with. But I think so many other things in my life had failed, the idea that this is working just blows my mind.

I had several doctors independently recommend the procedure for several reasons, one of those doctors being my ob/gyn. I've had issues with my cycles since having Jillian and he suggested that the changes in hormones that occur as a result of the surgery may solve those problems. Guess what? He was right! My periods are still irregular, even on hormonal birth control, but PMDD is pretty much gone, no more menstrual migraines, my periods are lighter and my cramps are almost non-existent. I went from having periods that were debilitating at times to "normal" periods within one cycle of having the surgery, before any significant weight loss. It blows my mind.

The main reason for me to have the procedure was to solve various endocrine issues (my endocrinologist was actually the first one to recommend it), with the weight loss being a happy side result, not only of the procedure, but of getting my endocrine issues resolved. And it actually seems to be working, which just seriously blows my mind that something is actually working. I'm amazed.

That's about it for now. If you're interested in my past updates, maybe you're considering having the surgery, or have had it and want to connect, I have some more frequent surgery & recovery updates on my YouTube channel, as well as just some fun videos from our life, so check that out.

I'm glad to be back on here, and thanks for checking in!

But What if I Like my Ta-ta's ??

As I get closer to my surgery date I've been doing some thinking. And yes, one of those is my ta-ta's. Let's face it, I have some pretty big gals. 46DDD here. Borderline E cup. And my girls are sure to shrink.

Not sure how I feel about that. I mean obviously if I'm getting smaller everywhere else, it would look ridiculous if my girls stayed as big as they are. But the truth is I like my big breasts. I do. Not gonna lie. My husband likes my big breasts. He does. So losing size in my chest area is not something I'm looking forward to, and I do have concerns about how much I will like what my breasts look like after my weight loss stabilizes.

The sort of not really good news, but realistic news is that for literally 20 years I have wanted to have a breast job done, but planned on waiting until after I was done having kids. See, there's a pretty significant size difference between my boobies. It varies somewhat based on my weight, but stands at a half to a full cup difference. In most clothing you can't tell, but I know, and it bothers me. There are certain cuts of tops that I don't wear because it makes the size difference really apparent. My husband doesn't care. But I do. It bothers me. So, I figure I'll wait about two years post-surgery to ensure that my weight is pretty stable, then see what by breasts look like and get a cosmetic surgery consult.

Anyway, I'm starting to ramble on here, and I did enough of that in my video (below). Enjoy! And as always, thanks for checking in!

Health Update

Yesterday was a blur of hospital appointments.

Couple of issues going on. I was trying to deal with them one at a time, but it appears that is just not how it's going to be.

First of all, I had a mammogram. A little over a year ago my routine mammogram revealed spots on my left breast. Probably benign, but warranting follow up. Three mammograms later, and they're telling me it's still "probably" benign. Apparently they standard of care is to follow up with repeated mammograms for two years. If there is no change within two years, then it's considered safe and I go back to routine yearly mammograms. Obviously if there is change, then we start a whole new ball game.

Secondly, I've been having gastrointestinal issues for quite a long time now. Months. Started out as occasional nausea, then more frequent, some bowel issues, heartburn... you name it and it's gastro, I had it. I treated with various over the counter meds. I tried cutting out different foods. The meds helped ease the problems somewhat, but nothing really seemed to really help. Over the past few months it has become more and more frequent, and more severe, until now I'm sick every single day, and the past few days the nausea in my stomach has turned into a dull ache in my abdomen. As in, painful. I finally gave in and saw my doctor.

My gastrointerologist couldn't see me until November, so I went to see my family doctor. He's not sure what's going on, but he's leaning toward the problem being my gall bladder. I have a CT and bloodwork scheduled for next week, a follow up appointment with him in a month, and a referral to my GI after all. He also gave me a prescription to help with the symptoms to take as needed, and I have to say I do think they are working. So that's a positive, I guess.

And then there's my metabolic disorder and related weight issues. It's been roughly a year since I had to discontinue my endocrine meds. I did meet with a couple of doctors, including the surgeon about the the surgery my endocrinologist wants me to have. Unfortunately, my insurance company won't cover it, period. You see, it's a bariatric surgery. Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy, also known as VSG or Gastric Sleeve.

Briefly, the reason my endocrinologist recommends this procedure is a little backwards from the usual reason, and is the reason it has to be this bariatric procedure, as opposed to others. You see, the part of the stomach that is removed during the surgery is the part of the stomach that creates some of the hormones and other chemicals that are out of whack for me. It is for this reason that this is the optimal choice for me.

In fact, in what was for me a surprising additional confirmation for me to have this procedure, at my yearly gynecological visit earlier this year, my gynecologist also recommended the procedure, having no knowledge that another specialist had already done so. The reason? Well, my weight for starters. But... he specifically noted that because of the change in hormones induced by the VSG, there's a good chance it would also help improve some of my gynecological issues as well.

My husband is on board. The more I learn about the procedure the more I'm convinced it is the best choice for my long term health. Unfortunately my insurance company seems to disagree. So... we're waiting for some financial items to fall in line, and hopefully we'll be able to proceed early next year.

In the meantime, I now weigh more than I have ever weighed in my entire life, and am bigger than I have ever been. In fact, even though I know expecting a big result is futile, I've started utilizing meal replacement shakes just to keep my waistline from growing further, mostly because I can't afford to expand my wardrobe again. It's depressing, I hate the way I look. But I keep trying to look to the light at the end of the tunnel and know that a year from now my weight, and more importantly my health, should be much improved.

So, that's about it health wise. Seems like there's a lot going and nothing going on all at once.

How are all of you doing?

Has it been three months already?!?

I can't believe it's been nearly three months since my last post. Life has been a whirlwind.

So how about an update on that situation. The side effects of my meds continued to worsen, so after much discussion with my endocrinologist & my husband we decided to discontinue.

So... what next? I have a metabolic disorder. Left untreated the expectation is my weight will balloon rapidly and I will be diabetic within 5-10 years. With my family history, heart disease & arthritis are already losing battles.

So I can try another cocktail of meds, but the truth is I've been on almost everything available over the past 5 years with moderate results. And no matter what they are there is a risk of side effects, many of them serious. You know when your doctor has you sign a waiver... Even prior to my issues I was struggling with my situation being that I was risking my life with side effects to save my life from the disorder. Is that really much of a trade-off?

I can try a liquid diet, hoping the drastic weight loss will lessen my symptoms. It's not permanent, no part of it is covered by my insurance, costs several thousand dollars, sets a bad eating example for my daughters, and even if it's effective in the weight loss will not actually resolve my condition at all, just lessen symptoms and basically buy me time. For what, I'm not sure.

I can try it on my own again. But considering I have been trying (and failing) to lose weight for the past 28 years, know that I have a metabolic disorder that makes it highly unlikely I will succeed without medical intervention... it seems like a recipe for depression & feeling like a failure.

Or I can have major surgery. My endocrinologist thinks I'm an excellent candidate, for a variety of reasons. The surgery he is recommending is 80% effective at treating my condition, and is permanent in 98-99% of those cases. And is likely covered by insurance. But it's surgery. Risks, and recovery, and what-not. Serious crap. So after much discussion with my doctor and my husband, and a lot of soul-searching on my part, we decided this was probably the way to go, and had a lot of peace about the decision... only to find out that my insurance plan does not cover it. I've been given the estimate that cash payment would be upwards of $13,000. Yikes. Not giving up on it yet, in fact I have my first appointment with the surgery center at the hospital tomorrow for an initial consultation, review of my case, etc. I guess we'll see what they have to say.

So right now, for the past 2 months or so, I've done nothing. No meds. Eating what I want (but not over-eating). I've already gained about 10 lbs, and the past week or so I've noticed the puffiness in my face returning that is one of the hallmarks of my disorder (it's water retention). I know I could make drastic changes to my diet & exercise to slow the gain, but I also know from past experience that it's not going to stop it. So I'm going to be really raw & honest with you right now when I tell you that I'm just trying to enjoy myself, love myself, and not worry about food. I'm trying to learn how to dress my body well, accept myself for who I am, and just enjoy my family and enjoy life. We'll see how my appointment goes tomorrow. Maybe I'll get surprise news about payment or something. Maybe we'll win the lottery, LOL. But other than that I'm going to enjoy the next few months and try not to worry about it. We have birthdays, anniversaries, multiple holidays... I just want to enjoy it, you know?

Well, as always, thanks for checking in!

You're Being a Jerk

Listen, I have a diagnosed metabolic disorder. The short version, as my endocrinologist explained it to me when I was first diagnosed, is that without medication I would not only have to eat a healthy diet, but also work out 8-10 hours per day, every day, in order to maintain a healthy weight. My body is trying to store (ie turn to fat) everything I eat.

For 30 years I'd go on the same diets as my friends and watch them drop 3 sizes as I stayed the same. I'd start running, to see no change. I did Weight Watchers, Slim Fast, NutriSystem, personal trainers, nutritionists - all with no results at all.

So yes, I take what many of you call "weight loss" medication. And I have news for you, it's not an "easy fix". It doesn't mean I'm lazy. It doesn't mean I haven't tried every eating plan, diet, or exercise program out there. It doesn't mean I'm not still trying. It means my body isn't working properly. It means not all bodies are the same and what works for one doesn't work for others.

Do you know what "weight loss" medication does for responsible patients with responsible doctors? It helps their bodies react to food and exercise in a normal manner so they can begin processing foods properly. That's it. So if you are one of those so-called "normal" people, it helps them be more like you, that's it. It doesn't mean they sit around on the couch eating cartons of ice cream while still dropping a hundred pounds.

My pituitary system is "completely out of whack". Besides how this affects my weight, it also means I'm severely deficient in several vitamins, despite how much I intake in my regular diet. Because when your body isn't working properly it's not 100% about intake / burn, it's about getting things to work like they're supposed to.

I'm under the care of one of the top endocrinologists - nay, one of the top DOCTORS, in the region - so I think I'll take his actual vast medical knowledge above your petty judgments, thank you very much.

So stop judging. Shut up about things you don't know anything about. I'm glad diet and exercise alone worked for you. I really am. I'm jealous of you. I'm terribly, terribly jealous of you. But have no idea the journey many of us go on and to assume every fat person is lazy or not trying, or every person who takes a pill to get their system to work properly is lazy and taking the easy way out really just shows how ignorant and judgmental you are more than anything. In short, you're being a jerk.

What's a Diet?

Recently my 4-year-old daughter and I had a conversation that was quite eye-opening for me.

It began as she looked over my shoulder while I checked Facebook. As I was scrolling down, she asked me to stop & go back up so she could look at a picture of a very overweight cat.

source

She asked why that picture was on there.

I explained that it was a story about a cat who was rescued and put on a diet.

"What's a diet?"

Crap. I have tried very hard to not let any references to dieting, weight loss, body image, etc. into our home. As much as I have struggled with my weight, I am keenly aware that girls often inherit body image issues from their mothers. And that is something I do not want. So I have consciously avoided the topic, or deflected when it came up.

So now... what to say?

I told her that a diet is what they call it when someone is trying to eat healthier, to put more good, healthy foods into their body. That the cat needed to be healthier, so they put him on a diet.

"People go on diets so they can be big & fat like you?"

Heart. Sinks.

My daughter knows that I am fat. Even though I did not tell her that, and try very hard not to use the word in our home, she came to the revelation herself. It's not a secret. The eye-opening moment here was that she thinks it's a good thing. She thinks people want to be big & fat like Mommy. $@#+!

So I tried gently to explain. No, people don't want to be fat like Mommy, in fact Mommy has too much fat and I'm trying to eat healthier to try to lose some of my fat so I can have a strong and healthy body like Jena.

Oh.

************************************

It's a delicate tightrope, discussing weight with our daughters. We want to inform them, give them a healthy perspective, but we also want them to tolerate differences and love themselves no matter what they look like.

Once, while clothes shopping, Jena asked what size she should be when she grows up, as if she could aspire to be a certain size.

I responded that I didn't know yet, that we won't know until she's older, but that she should be a size that is a good, healthy size for her.

Then we had a little talk about how everyone comes in different shapes and sizes (and skin! and hair!) and that that's okay, it's good even, that we're all different. God made each of us, so it's all beautiful. That everyone should just try to be a size that is good and healthy for their body, and that's going to be different for everyone.

This whole experience just doubles my desire to reach a healthier weight, not just for me, but for her. Because the fact is our daughters are watching us and they want to be like us.

It honestly never occurred to me that my daughter might aspire to be as fat as I am, or that she would think other people would want to be this fat.

Sure, she loves that we both have blonde hair, and we both have blue eyes, will she be as tall as Mommy, etc, etc, etc.

But it never dawned on me that she'd want to be as fat as Mommy as well. My bad.

Mothers, we need to be healthy, have healthy habits, present ourselves in a healthy manner not just for us, but for our kids. We have to realize that as a parent, it's not just about us anymore.

As always, thanks for checking in.

My Fat Butt on Victoza

Well, it's been three weeks on my new meds, so I figured it's time to give you an update.

I have lost nine pounds in those three weeks. To me it's still surprising, considering how much I struggled to drop just one pound before starting the Victoza.

I haven't had a follow up with my doctor yet to see how my levels are faring, so no update on that front. Although I have pricked my finger a few times, but my sugar levels have stayed within normal limits, and I haven't felt any drops in my blood sugar, so I stopped pricking myself. Because I like to play it dangerous that way.

And sticking myself in the gut isn't as bad as I feared.

I will say my endocrinologist was not kidding about the side effects.  You have to work your way up to the full dose of 1.8 mg.

I started at 0.6 mg and by the 2nd day noticed a change in my appetite. I guess you would call it that. One of the things that Victoza does is slow your digestive tract, meaning your food stays with you longer. My doctor advised that if I started to feel even the slightest bit of that "satisfied" or "full" feeling, then stop eating immediately. "or you will throw up". And yes, that is a direct quote.

That was enough to scare me, and like I said, by the 2nd day at 0.6 I noticed that I would eat maybe 1/3 to 1/2 of what I normally would before I felt that satisfied feeling. So I stopped. Immediately.

I also experienced a bit of gas, in the form of belching. And it was gross. Tasted like... rotten garbage. Ick.

After a week I upped it to 1.2 mg. The first day I felt really sick all day. Enough to stay home from work. So I dropped it back down to 0.6 for another three days. But then Jena got sick a couple of days later, so I don't really know if I was having such severe nausea as a side effect, or there was a virus going around.

Got up to 1.2 mg and didn't notice any major change this time.

The disgusting belches persisted.

After a week at 1.2 mg, I upped it to 1.8. First two days I didn't notice a difference. But the third day (yesterday) at the full dose I was moderately nauseaus all morning, and didn't eat breakfast (because of the nausea). We went to Chipotle for lunch, and I ate about half a burrito bowl, stopping when I felt the slightest hint of the full feeling. No problem.

Wrong.

About half an hour after I ate, I was seriously nauseaus. I managed to stay at work, but about two hours after lunch went running for the bathroom. My entire lunch came back up. I felt a lot better after vomiting, but was still nauseaus the rest of the night, and slept off & on from around 6pm until we went to bed at 10pm. I did decide to try some Jello at some point, and although it stayed down, I definitely felt sicker after eating.

I can only imagine that I ate too much, even though I stopped when I felt the full feeling, and that was the cause of the vomiting.

I did some reading of message boards online, and found that quite a few people find that giving the injection at night eases the nausea. Still others recommend gradually increasing from 1.2 - 1.8 instead of doing it overnight as I did.

So I'm gonna do both. I had been giving myself the injection in the morning, but skipped this morning's injection so I can give it tonight. I'm also going to go back down to the 1.2 for a couple of days, and try gradually increasing to the 1.8mg.

I understand that because of the slowed digestion the loss of appetite / inability to eat is normal, and okay. And because of the way it helps regulate my sugar, hypoglycemia shouldn't be a concern from lack of eating.

Still, it's weird. Basically yesterday I ate half a burrito bowl (which exited my body relatively quickly), and a small cup of Jello.
Today so far I haven't eaten anything.
And I'm not hungry.

A few other issues besides side effects:

- my insurance isn't covering it. So far. The doctor has sent in several prior authorizations, but I ended up having to get another sample to cover until we can get it covered.

- the week I was at 1.2mg was also that time of the month. I wonder if that's why I didn't notice a difference. In fact, I probably ate more during that time than on the 0.6, and I definitely had cravings. Leaves me wondering if the hormones associated with menstruation are actually strong enough to override the side effect of appetite loss for one week out of the month. Interesting...

- Jena has noticed me not finishing my meals, and has tried to use it as an excuse not to eat.
Now, let me be clear, we have never forced this child to clean her plate. Never. I don't believe in it. But we do ask that she eat "a good amount". It varies, and is up to the parent's judgement. Reasons it might vary might be: what she's had to eat earlier in the day, how long it's going to be until we eat again, etc.

Knowing that Jena was watching me has always been a reason that I've feared any sort of diet. I want her to eat healthy. Period. And I don't want her to grow up with food issues. We strive to give her healthy meals & snacks, and for the most part let her body decide how much is enough.

Navigating how to explain my lack of appetite to her without giving her the idea that she can or should not eat as much herself is going to be difficult. She watches my every move, loves when we eat the same things ("Mommy! We match!").

So, that's my latest fat butt update. I'll keep you posted on my progress, especially once I get my updated labs done in a few weeks.

As always, thanks for checking in!

My Fat Butt - what to do..

Well, something about writing down my thoughts in my last Fat Butt post got me thinking. And thinking. And thinking. And talking with my husband. And thinking.

I'm wary of getting pregnant with my weight this high. It makes it harder to conceive, poses more health risks for me & baby, and gives me a really bad starting point for post-pregnancy.

So I was thinking maybe we should stop TTC, I would see my endocrinologist, run my labs, etc. go back on the meds, then when I reached a healthy weight, start TTC again.

But then I realized the catch-22. So I do that, then stop the meds (again), then stop the birth control (again), then blow up like a balloon (again), and end up in the same boat I'm in now.

Plus, with my age, I don't really want to put off TTC. I ain't getting any younger, you know?

So... what to do... what to do...

Well, I decided maybe the best thing to do is to see my endocrinologist and just talk thru everything with him. I'll go this weekend to have my bloodwork done, then see him next week.

I have no idea what the outcome will be, so... wish me luck!

Babe before Baby (blog love)

I've found a new blog to love.

Babe before Baby

She, too, has struggled with her weight for a long time. Her weights throughout her life are similar to my own. And she hopes to begin trying to conceive in the near future.

And she's lost nearly 50 lbs.

What an inspiration.

I love so many things about her blog, that I'm gonna try some of them here. As much as I have posted about my struggles with weight, I've never really become truly transparent on it here in blog land. But maybe I should.

Let's give it a shot, shall we?

The battle rages on...

I'm sitting at my desk.

I just came out of a meeting, and I'm ticked off. Like shake some people, slap some others, spew profanity into the air, throw things around the room ticked off.

But I'm at work, and I can't afford to get fired, so I'm sitting at my desk, mind spinning, unable to focus on work, with an angry face on.

And I so badly want to go to the vending machine and get a snack.

But I'm not hungry. I'm angry.
And so I don't go.

But I want to.

I have been fighting this mental battle with myself for the past 15 minutes.

I'm not hungry, I'm angry. I'm not hungry, I'm angry.
But you can get something good, you know? Wheat Thins, Baked Lays. They have good options.

But I'm not hungry, I'm angry.
But you've been good today. You had apples for breakfast, a salad for lunch, you can get a snack. You know you want to.

But I'm not hungry, I'm angry.
The problem with that mantra is that the other option for squashing my feelings is to throw things around the office, and that's kinda frowned upon.

But eating a snack at your desk? Who doesn't do that from time to time? Looking around the room, two co-workers are doing so now. They even provide vending machines for you to get snacks.

But I'm not hungry, I'm angry.
And I'm tired of being fat.

So I'm getting it out the only other way I know how. I'm writing.

I'm not hungry, I'm angry. I'm not hungry, I'm angry. I'm not hungry, I'm angry.
The battle rages on...

Mini Update

Well, I figured it was time I updated you. But the truth is there's not much to update.

Things have pretty much settled back to normal, except I'm still tired as all get out. This past week I've overslept every morning. Every afternoon I'm so tired I'm taking walks to keep from nodding off at my desk at work, and in the evenings, I have to force myself not to pass out as soon as dinner's over.

It's bad. I've slept thru alarms, I've been late to work twice this week, and I'm going to bed earlier. My house is more of a disaster than normal. But I can't seem to get enough rest. I'm just so fatigued.

I do remember the extreme fatigue of my 1st trimester with Jena, so I'm assuming it's a sign that not all of my hormones have returned to normal following the miscarriage. Still. I'm kinda hoping / assuming that after my first period (whenever that will be) my hormones will get back in the swing of things and my energy levels will return to normal. I hope so anyway.

So that's it, really. I'm looking into some ways to (safely) lose weight, as I'm still sick of the fat. But especially following my miscarriage, I don't want to do anything drastic that would put my body under any stress that might make conceiving / carrying more difficult. At the same time, I know losing weight would be good for me and healthier for a potential pregnancy. Seems like it's a delicate balance, and honestly, I'm a little bit chicken to try anything, even though I know I should. Just scared, I guess.

Well, I guess that's about it for now. As always, thanks for checking in.

Huge, Bloated Cow

I am so tired of being fat.

I broke down the other night and started bawling.

I will be perfectly honest: I do not eat as well as I should.

I know that, and I am owning that.

But while my weight is holding steady now, the first two months I adjusted (ie. went off) my meds so we could TTC, I gained 25 lbs in just eight weeks. That's just over 3 lbs a week, on average.

I feel like a huge, bloated cow.

I'm scared to try the shakes again, because it is such a drastic diet, and I had a miscarriage last time I was on them. Sure, it's easy to say they were unrelated, but it scares me to death.

The only medically supervised program I qualify for isn't covered by insurance, and is way out of our price range.

So I'm again, still, just trying to do better. I've been reading a lot about clean eating, and have started taking steps to reduce the amount of chemicals we ingest. And for the past week I've been eating a banana for breakfast, salad for lunch, banana for snack, and smaller portions of a "normal" dinner.

So far, it's resulted in zero weight loss.

I'm just miserable. I hate it. I can't stand the way I look and feel. And I can't help but wonder if I'm going to have to be on meds for the rest of my life just to have any sort of chance at being anywhere close to a healthy weight.

Sad.

Well, it's working

Well, one week after starting the Vi Shakes, and I'm down three pounds!

I want to make sure I mention that I'm not following the plan completely. I substitute a shake for breakfast & lunch, but only Monday thru Friday. In the evenings and on weekends I eat pretty much whatever I want.

For anyone else doing them, I have to be honest. The powder you use to make the shakes? Tastes yucky. And some ingredients mask the taste more than others.

Pineapple does pretty well. Banana, as long as you use at least two. Tropical fruit.

My least favorite was probably apple cinnamon. It's the apple. Gave it a mushy texture. I'm guessing would probably be better with apple juice instead of an actual apple.

Well, that's all for now. Thanks for checking in!

Sick of the Fat

Okay, I'm over it. I'm sick of the fat.

Not doing bad comparied to last time, but I also started at a higher weight.

And maybe I'm just wearing it worse, but I can't fit into most of my clothes, and I feel disgusting all the time.

I know this is quite the change since my last post, but it's how I feel, it's where I am right now.

I'm sick of the fat.

Just over a week until my next test date. If it's a positive, yay. If it's negative, I'm focusing on weight loss.

I think my hormones should start settling down by then, and... I'm sick of the fat. Did I mention that?

I understand how birth control (or going off of it) can effect your body, so I'm trying to cut myself some slack.

I prefer to focus on the eating healthy, try to do better, and let the weight fall where it may kinda viewpoint. And that's what I've been doing.

But I'm sick of the fat.

It's not about a magic number

I've decided I've been worrying way too much about my weight lately.

Don't get me wrong, I know I have weight to lose, I'd like to lose a few pounds.

But I need to stop focusing on the number on the scale.

We're trying to get pregnant, there will be another life depending on me. I need to shift my focus.

I'm still watching my portions, but I've begun putting greater focus on what I'm eating. More fruits & veggies. More salads & nuts. Lean meats. Fruits. Veggies.

Did I mention fruits & veggies?

In case you weren't aware, I'm ont a big fruits & veggies eater. Or at least, I wasn't.

I am not. More than how much I eat, I need to make sure I am eating things that are good for me.

I still watch my portions, but am not as concerned anymore. The meds my endo put me on some two years ago, well, I see the positive effects it has made on my body. Like how now I can go to a restaurant and order a half-order salad and leave feeling full, whereas before a meal like that would have left me wanting more.

And as far as weight goes, well, I know the last time we were trying I gained 14 lbs the first six weeks off of birth control, due to hormonal changes. So I can't be surprised that this time, despite watching my eating & getting regular exercise, I've already gained nine lbs in five weeks.

I need to stop beating myself up about stuff like this, and just focus on being healthy. It's not just about me anymore. It's not about wanting to see a certain number on a scale, or being able to fit into a certain article of clothing. It's about preparing my body to carry my child.

And if hormonal changes or bloat or whatever leave me a few pounds heavier, half a size bigger, then so be it. As long as I know I am making positive changes to be healthier, then I need to be okay with that.

So that's where I am right now. As always, thanks for checking in.

Maybe I should stop fretting

Ugh. My weight.

I really want to start of the next pregnancy below my pre-pregnancy weight from before. And right now, I'm not there.

The truth is my weight has fluctuated up & down the past few months, ranging from 14 lbs under my last pre-pregnancy weight, to 2 lbs over.

Right now, I am just over that previous pre-pregnancy weight.

Even if it's just 5 (or better yet 10) lbs lighter. But at that weight, and stable at that weight, you know?

Maybe I'm being silly. In my head if I'm even just 5 lbs lighter, I'm giving myself & baby that much more of a chance at starting things off healthy.

But the fact is my last pregnancy, with my pre-pregnancy weight exactly what it was this morning, was healthy. Jena was fine, perfectly healthy. I was fine.

I don't know.

Part of me says I really need to be stable at that lower weight to be healthier for both of us.

Part of me says I was healthy before, baby was healthy, and I'm making changes to live a healthier lifestyle, so stop fretting.

Also - I'm slightly upset. According to the scale, I've dropped 2 lbs, and yet this morning I had to go rummaging thru my bin o'fat clothes to find pants. Pants that have been too big for me for well over a year. This had better just be an unusually massive case of bloat (it is that time o' the month), because dropping 2 lbs should not mean bigger sizes. In my humble opinion.

Things I Did Before I Was a Parent

- returned the shopping cart to the cart corral. Always.
Sorry, cart retrievers. Nothing personal. Just depending on my parking space I may not be willing to leave my child unattended in the car. And you try to keep a preschooler in the cart until you return it when she's ready to get out.
side note - I feel guilty every. single. time.

- I worked overtime whenever I was asked, without a second thought
With a small child, and a husband who's often gone, it's just not possible now. Overtime must be planned in advance. And no, I will not leave my child in day care for 14 hours because you, as my supervisor, did not plan ahead.
I do make exceptions for the rare emergency. But I have a pretty strict definition of emergency, and it's only happened once since Jena was born (earthquake & tsunami in Japan - we had people there when it happened that needed to be located & their safety confirmed)

- I We had more sex
We still manage to do pretty well in this department, but the fact is that middle-of-the-afternoon, just-because-you-feel-like-it just doesn't happen anymore. Pretty much ever.

- We took more big trips
We still put a priority on vacations, but with a child there's extra expense to a budget that's already stretched, plus the factor of traveling with a child and finding things to entertain said child, so... we aim for more smaller trips now. And all but one (our anniversary trip) tends to be centered around a certain preschooler.

- We ate worse (yep, it's possible...)
Not only am I conscious of what I feed Jena, the fact is she like fruits & veggies, more than any child I've ever seen. So we're constantly stocked. She inspires me to eat healthier.

- I was more self-conscious
Oh, I still have my moments. But when I'm with her, it's all about her. If me acting like a big goofball makes her happy, so be it. If she wants or needs me to do something that probably makes me look like an idiot, so what? it's done.

- I was more judgemental
I've actually always tried to be very non-judgemental, but the truth is that I'm a work in progress. And having a child has helped me understand, empathize, and sympathize with others (not just parents)  in a way that I just could not before.

- I hated my body
Oh sure, I know my body could be in better shape, I'd like to lose weight, etc. But before I had a kid? I despised my body. Even when I weighed less than I do now, it was never good enough. Even though I was healthy, and anywhere from 10 to 30 lbs lighter than I am now... I never liked it. Now... sure I have some trouble spots, but now I see a mom's body - the body that carried & bore our daughter. And I'm good with that.

Psssst! I'm fat.

Recently, I had an epiphany of sorts.

I'm fat.

And everyone knows it.Hang with me for a minute, while I explain.

I spend so much worry trying to make myself look thinner. Wearing this outfit because I think I look smaller in it. Not even trying other outfits because I could never pull it off.

And one day, I was admiring a very cute outfit on a woman at work, and right about the same time that my inner voice said "you could never wear that" another voice spoke up that said "she's bigger than you".

Indeed she was.

And I found myself wondering why she had the confidence to wear that outfit, which did indeed look great on her, while I didn't have the confidence to even try.

And then, my epiphany. She knows she's fat. And she knows everyone knows. So she wears what she wants.Now, I don't know this woman. At all. Don't know her name, what department she works in, where she lives, if she's married or single... nothing. So I don't know her actual thought processes. I'm just telling you mine. Since then, I've found this kind of freedom.

I'm fat. And everyone knows it.

I'm not fooling anyone.

Oh sure, I might find an outfit that seems to trim me by 5 lbs or so, but let's face it... 5 lbs is not gonna get me from fat to fabulous. Five pounds lighter and I'm still fat.

Everyone out there can see me. They know. It's not a secret. I'm not hiding anything.

Realizing this, really getting it, has been so freeing.

Don't get me wrong. It's not freeing in a everyone-knows-so-I-don't-have-to-lose-it sort of way. More in a no-pressure-to-wear-the-"right"-clothes sort of way.

I guess I didn't realize how much the pressure to dress my fat self appropriately had weighed on me. How hard I had tried to hide the rolls that everyone sees anyway. How hard I had tried to hide the belly that everyone knows is there.

It's freeing to just grab an outfit, and just think two little things:
    #1 - is it comfortable?
    #2 - is it appropriate for where I'm going?

That's really it, isn't it? Oh sure, there are still outfits that I think look better on me than others. But it is so freeing not to tug my shirt down over my belly, or wear the sweater that I think hides my rolls, but probably doesn't really. Just to wear what I want, because they already know.

And, I tell you what, I think this realization has helped me more accurately see the real issue regarding my body.

I'm fat.

Lately I have been dwelling so much on the clothes, on having outfits that fit me just right, that look just right on a body that doesn't. I asked mostly for gift cards for clothes for Christmas, convinced that if I had just the right outfit, I would look better, I would have more confidence.

The truth is that I will look better when my body looks better, not my clothes. I know this, because I remember my pre-baby body. Still overweight by society's standards, but I had plateaued at what my doctors and I agreed was a nice, healthy weight for me. And I felt better about myself. I just did.

So yes, I'm fat. And everyone knows it. And it's time I realized and accepted that fact.

My Fat Butt - here we go again

So, after gaining another couple of pounds & giving up on trying to lose weight... I hit that plateau. Nice, in that I stopped gaining. Adds to my frustration in that months of trying to lose weight resulted in gains, then when I give up, my body says 'okay, I'll stop piling it on now'. Ugh.

So, I have still been trying to eat more veggies, get more exercise, and not eat out as much. But other than that, I eat what I want.

The news comes because I had my 6 month check with my endocrinologist today. Which I had somehow not marked on my calendar and had completely forgotten about until I got the appointment reminder call.

He thinks my insulin is out of whack again, and is putting me back on Metformin.

*to re-cap, no I am not diabetic. In fact my blood sugar tends to be on the low-side of normal, and I have been diagnosed as hypoglycemic (low blood sugar) since I was 15 years old. I have an insulin disorder that makes my levels go crazy high, then crazy low, and not remain steady. Contrary to popular belief Metformin does not increase insulin, it regulates your body's production of it (ie. evens it out). Or at least that's how my endocrinologist explained it to me.Basically, my weight gain actually began when I went off the Metformin just over a year ago. I guess I somehow hadn't realized it, but he went back thru my chart and showed me. While I've gained around 8 lbs in the past 6 months (feels like so much more), I've gained almost 30 lbs total in the 14 months since I stopped the Metformin. Just over half the weight I had lost.

So... back on the Metformin. Although, if you remember (for some reason I couldn't find the post, hmph), I went off of it because of severe gastrointestinal side effects. But apparently there's a new (or new to me) form of it that is supposed to be much gentler on the stomach. So we will try again.

I have the option of going back on the rest of my meds, doing the aggressive drug therapy all over again, but considering the side effects of the other medications as well, I'm not ready to do that.

He also basically told me that he recommends an actual weight loss medication as well. We didn't go into details, because I'm not ready for that, but essentially because I have a physical ailment (my spine injury) that prevents me from exercising the way I need to to lose & maintain a healthy weight, I'm an ideal candidate for weight loss medication.

He said that intense physical aerobic activity needs to be part of this plan, but weight loss medications' original intention were people just like me: patients who for one reason or another were currently unable to exercise. If I were healthy, no ailments, he'd tell me to start running. But he cannot in good conscious do that as a physician (although if I want to refuse my neuro's orders, that's up to me, LOL), since he is aware of my spinal injury. So we need to look at other, proven safe methods, for helping to bring my weight down to a healthy level.

I don't know. I am certainly not against the idea, and what he says makes sense, but... I guess part of me feels like it would be giving up. And I'm not ready to do that yet. Or maybe I just need to think on it longer.

I told him "screw my surgeon", so since it was my choice, he went over what exercises he recommends for his patients with similar metabolic disorders, and why (ie. did you know swimming lowers your metabolism? ack!).

So for now, back on a new type of Metformin, keep trying to eat healthier, and try to increase my exercise. I go back in a few months, and he's ordered a bloodwork panel to be done just before that appointment. We'll check insulin levels, A1C, etc. but he'll also run my thyroid again just to be safe. He said that even though my last bloodwork showed normal thyroid function, since I do have a family history of hypothyroidism, it's something we should probably check every couple of years just to make sure nothing new has developed.

I really love my doctor. He's very thorough, and also very good at explaining how the body works in this way, why we do (or don't do) certain things, etc. I'm a "why" kinda gal, so I like someone who pre-emptively explains, LOL.

Anyway, I feel like I just wrote you a book! And believe it or not, I left a good chunk of our discussion out!

So, as always, thanks for checking in! I'll keep you posted on my progress!

So, I Ran. Finally.

I realize I never updated you after I started running.

Let's use the words "started" and "running" loosely, 'kay?

So, I went out one weekend and bought running shoes. Cheapies, because, well, it wasn't in the budget and I had no idea how this was gonna go. Figured I could upgrade later on if I needed to.

Downloaded the Couch-to-5k app on my phone.

Packed a bag with my running clothes & shoes and took it to work that Monday, excited (and nervous!) about my first run that evening after work.

And... I got food poisoning. No lie. Around 3:30pm I started making regular trips to the bathroom, and I barely made it long enough to meet Jason in a Wendy's parking lot, beg him to take Jena to his meeting with him, and drive myself home. It was awful.

Tuesday, it started raining around 2pm. Like, a downpour.

Wednesday, it was storming on & off all day.

Thursday is Jena's gymnastics day, so I'd already figured out there just wasn't time for running on Thursdays. I'm lucky if I get her to class on time.

Friday I forgot my bag o' running stuff, still packed from Monday.

Obviously, week 1 was a complete bust.

But not to be thwarted, on to week 2.

Monday - well, I forget what happened, but running did not.

Tuesday I happened to have the day off. So... I ran.

I ran down our road. Which, I learned, is not very safe for running. Hills of Kentucky and blind curves and all. I spent a better portion of the run listening for oncoming cars and jumping off the road just in time.

But I did run. Okay, run/walk. You know, the C25K program. I did it, my back didn't hurt, I was proud of myself.

Almost home, and a bird pooped on my head. True story.

Beginning to feel like God was sending me signs. Food poisoning, 2 days of downpours, and 1 bird poop later, I was beginning to think that either I wasn't supposed to run, or I was being challenged to see how serious I was about it.

Ended that run & went straight to the showers. You know, bird poop and all.

I was almost done with my shower, when the running message boards proved right: my back was killing me. The pain was excruciating. I could barely get myself out of the shower & dressed. I made my way to the couch and kicked up the recliner. The position of having my feet up usually helps my back.

Not today.

Oh well. I knew that was a possibility, right?

The next day we went on vacation & I packed my running clothes & shoes with the full intent of running on vacation.

I have to be honest here right? It didn't happen.

The first night we spent swimming, and there didn't seem to be a good / safe place to go around the hotel, so I didn't. The next night I fully intented to run at the campground, and allowed myself to get talked out of it.

I was in the mood to run. I wanted to run. I was excited about it. Then Jason reminded me that we were camping, and I would probably be yucky in the morning, and did I really want to take a shower twice? Once in the evening after running and once in the morning because I felt yucky. Seemed logical.

Except... I am so not a morning person. At all. Seriously, if you see me in the early morning, steer clear. I'm also a slow-waker-upper. Takes me a good 30-60 minutes to fully wake up (which, if Jena is any indication, is a genetically inherited condition). I just don't function well at all first thing in the morning. I'm a night owl.

I may have actually growled at Jason the next morning when he cheerfully left Jena & myself at the playground so he could go on his run.

I should have known better. I should have gone in the evening.

We did a lot of walking, had a couple of late nights, the rest of our vacation, and neither of us got in more running in. Although we did do a ton of walking.

Got back, and I decided to give it a go again. Packed my running clothes & shoes, took them to work. Finished working, headed over to the trail... and found out that since it's now Fall, and getting dark earlier, and they close the trail at dusk... I can't go running after work.

{{ sigh }}

That pretty much put an end to the running idea. So I started finding "living room workouts". I don't want to give up on being active, but I need apparently I need a better idea.

Not giving up totally just yet.