Possibilities

I started this post last year in order to document the ways in which it seemed God was speaking to Jason & myself about a potential major change in our family's life.

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The last week of July Jason and I were discussing how he would like to leave the fire department, for various reasons, most of which I won't go in to here. One big reason is that he can't dedicate himself to our family business as much as he would like because he's on shift every 3rd day.

We talked about what would need to happen to make it even possible for him to leave the department, and one of the biggest roadblocks is that it provides health insurance for our entire family. No job, no insurance. Our family business just isn't quite there yet to begin providing it thru that venue. We also aren't quite making enough money to be able to afford insuring a family of four on our own. So, health insurance for all four of us. If that were covered, it would make him leaving the department much more realistic and feasible.

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The next day I received a text from one of my former supervisor's at my old job asking for assistance with something that used to be my responsibility. We texted back and forth for a bit, as I tried to help him via text, hundreds of miles away, with something I haven't handled in three years.

At the end of the conversation he jokingly texted (paraphrased): I'm going to have a position open soon. Just sayin'.

I replied "Everybody has a price. Just sayin'." (winky emoji)

He then sent a few texts about how they would cover relocation, how there's plenty of land available nearby, etc.

I figured he was half serious, half joking and left it like that. But the thought wouldn't leave me, so I mentioned it to Jason that night.

He basically responded something like "that would be okay".

I was surprised. I figured the idea of me going back to work, not being able to homeschool the kids, relocating 300 miles away would freak him out.

But it didn't. It didn't freak me out either. Which is incredibly weird.

I have been trying to move back to Ohio, closer to my family, for years now. We're an hour away from them right now. Now, suddenly, the idea of being 5 hours away doesn't bother me? Why? I have no reason. It makes no sense. I have no idea why I'm okay with it. I can't explain it.

But there it was. So the next morning I texted my former supervisor and told him if he really thought it would be a good fit for me, then to let me know when the job was posted and I'd take a look at it.

He reminded me of how things work there and that the opening was recently delayed and it could be some time before it was actually posted, but he would definitely keep me in the loop.

Basically that translates to say that the job could be coming open in a few weeks, months, year... or never.

But you see what happened there, right? If I went back to work, we'd have additional income & insurance and Jason would be able to leave the fire department. In fact, if we relocated, he'd have to. So talking and praying about it one night, and the very next day this happens. Did you see that?

But there's no telling when the job will actually be posted, if ever. So... what to do? Well...

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I started looking at housing prices, educational options & expenses, child care expenses, etc. in the area. You see, I realize that if this actually comes to fruition we'll need to make a decision relatively quickly, but this is a major life decision that directly effects our entire family; a decision I can't take lightly or without considering all sides.

But I also started praying for God's direction. Specifically, I asked Him to slam shut any doors he didn't want us to walk through, and to throw wide the doors that He does. Make it obvious. Make His will unmistakable.

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Fast forward to September. Try as I might to shake the idea and not obsess about it, I can't stop thinking about it. Jason & I found ourselves unexpectedly without kids, so we discussed it in depth for the first time. We had both been praying about it. As we spent the day together, we repeatedly said that we want God to show us, really obviously, what His direction is.

After dinner we started driving around, just driving and talking. Jason needed to use the restroom, so we stopped at a little mom-and-pop bar & restaurant in the middle-of-nowhere Kentucky. Seriously out in the middle of nowhere, driving thru the hills of our beautiful state, miles from civilization. We stopped and went in.

Jason walks into the single-stall bathroom, which was unlocked, and walks in on one of my former executives... peeing.

He literally walked in on the man as he relieved himself. Jason apologized, they both finished their business, we chatted with him for a bit. I had worked closely with this man for the entire 10 years I worked at my former employer. I also hadn't seen him since I left three years ago.

We stayed to listen to the band for a bit, I found Mr. Executive again before we left and said goodbye, then Jason & I got into the car and started laughing at what an incredible "coincidence" that was.

So the day we're asking God for a sign about what He wants us to do, we "randomly" run into one of my former executives at a tiny establishment in rural Kentucky. He doesn't even live in Kentucky anymore. He's still with the company, relocated 300 miles away like so many others. Happened to be in town visiting family.

He happened to be in town this particular weekend, a weekend where we just happened to unexpectedly find ourselves without the girls, he just happened to be at the same tiny bar in the middle of nowhere that we come upon at just the moment when my husband desperately needs a restroom, just happens to be in that restroom, just happens to have forgotten to lock the door. Did I forget anything?

It's a little too "coincidental" for us to believe that it was truly random.

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Now, jump ahead to October. We're still praying about it, but I'm also trying to balance that with not thinking about it. I know from my experience with the company that the job could be posted any day, might not be posted for a few months, or HR could pull the opening altogether. There's no sense on dwelling. But somehow we need to balance that with being prepared for the day it opens. If it does.

So one night, Jason is on shift, the girls are in bed, I'm doing the dishes. And thinking. It was a Friday night, and I had talked with my dad earlier in the day about Jena's soccer game the next morning. You see, my dad comes to every game. Every one. I don't think he's missed one. I've missed more than he has.

My dad adores his granddaughters. My parents were my full time childcare when Jena was little, and they are especially close. Both my parents have incredibly close relationships with the girls. But especially my dad. Grandpa. He dotes on them. Loves them. Can't get enough of them. I joke that he'd keep them if I'd let him.

And then I thought about it, really thought about it, for the first time since the idea of taking a new job and relocating came up. Leaving my parents. Taking my girls away from my parents. Away from my dad.

And I cried. And cried. Snot-faced messy sobbing cries.

What was I thinking?!? How could I leave my parents? How could I take my girls away from them? It's stupid for me to even think about moving farther away. What was I thinking?!?

But then...

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The next day I found myself at my parents. I hadn't planned it, but had an appointment about 20 min from their house, so decided to stop by with the girls for a visit before we headed home.

I'm sitting on the couch, Mom & I are watching the girls play, no one's really talking about anything. Dad walks in from the kitchen and sits next to me.

Out of the blue he says "I don't know why you ever left that job. I know you wanted to stay home and homeschool and everything, but that was a really good job. I don't know why you left."

At this point, I'm more confused than anything. At no point during the visit have I mentioned my old job, the company name, working in general. Nothing. I never told my parents about the possibility of going back. This is completely out of the blue.

He continues "Besides, it's only 5 hours away. If we really wanted to, we could still see each other every weekend. I don't know why you left."

Still in disbelief, I said "You know that's a possibility. My old boss contacted me about a job."

He's stunned. Can't believe it. My mom replied with "Don't give her any ideas!"

We laughed, but I really had a chance to think about it on the drive home.

The night before I had been freaking out about taking my girls away from their grandparents, specifically Grandpa. The very next day, on an unplanned visit, my dad unprompted, seemingly out of nowhere, reassures me that we could still each other every weekend if we really wanted, that it's not that far away, that he himself questions why I even left.

I can't ignore the coincidence. And I haven't been bothered, really bothered, by the idea since.

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Semi-random side note: one of the dealbreakers for me from the moment this came up is that whatever salary they offer me has to be enough for us to reasonably afford a 4+ bedroom house, so that we can have a guest room for our family to stay in comfortably when they come to visit.

Ideally I'd like to have an in-law suite, but a guest bedroom is my minimum. Not having a place for them to stay when visiting is a dealbreaker for me.

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But alas, nothing happens. Months pass, and there has been no opening. No more discussion (at least that I am aware of) about the job. Eventually Jason & I stop talking about it even being a possibility.

Honestly, thought, it leaves me a little confused. I don't really believe in coincidences, I believe in God. Everything seemed to be pointing us toward this job and relocating our family. I did pray that God would slam shut any doors He didn't want me to walk thru, so maybe that was it. Maybe going back to work & relocating wasn't His plan. But then what is?

Maybe this was just to get me thinking about it. Maybe it was just to open us up to the possibility of me going back to work or of relocating to a different area. Maybe it was just getting us to think & to talk about it as a couple.

Or maybe there's some other plan I'm not seeing yet.

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And then, this past week...

I run into 3 of my former co-workers in less than a week. All of them have relocated. Two are 300 miles away. One is 900 miles away. All back in town in the same week for various reasons. It is not a holiday week, not a company shutdown week, nothing in common brought them to the area at the same time, as far as I can tell. Yet each of them crossed my path; one at church, one at Once Upon a Child, one at Kroger. I didn't run into co-workers out & about that frequently when they all lived here!

Again, I'm left wondering... what are the chances of that actually happening? What a coincidence! But why?

I mention it to Jason. We agree it seems like too much of a "coincidence" to ignore, but we also agree that we don't know what God is trying to tell us!

We both agree that it still seems that the job & relocation might be a possibility, but we also both agree that it seems more & more that there must be another reason these things keep happening. God is trying to show us or tell us something that we just aren't getting just yet.

So we will continue to pray for His direction and His Divine intervention in our lives, and just trust Him as we see what the future has in store!

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Sorry there isn't some exciting announcement and conclusion to the end of this. At least not just yet. But I'll be sure to update if anything else happens!

What do you think? Do you think it will come to fruition? Or is God using this to direct us elsewhere?

As always, thanks for checking in!

Neither Shall He Eat

Our church is in the middle of a sermon series about seeing work thru God's eyes instead of the world's. One of the verses we've been discussing is II Thessalonians 3:10, where it says that anyone isn't willing to work, should not be fed either. It's an interesting verse, especially in today's society.

Of course, we want to make sure it's clear that this doesn't apply to those who for one reason or another are not able to work, but to those that choose not to work.

Anywho... one of my friends said that when she got frustrated with her kids not doing their chores, she posted this verse on their fridge and told them if they didn't do their chores, the wouldn't eat dinner. Period.

I like the idea, and am tucking it in my back pocket. Maybe wait until my kids get a little older. Jillian might be a little young to force this on, at 3 years old. But the idea is sound, I think. As my friend put it, it may seem harsh, but if she can drill it in their heads now that if they want to eat they need to work, then hopefully as the become adults that will still ring true in their minds and they will grow up understanding that work is part of life, work feeds, work provides.

I like it.

I am so ready for the workday to be over

It's 5:15pm and I am so ready for the workday to be over. It's been one of those days. Stress at every turn, difficult coworkers, menial work that feels overwhelming because of the stresses of the workplace. I'm tired, frustrated, and about to go over the edge. But at least it's 5:15pm.

I am unbelievably ready to wrap up what I'm working on, walk out the door, get in the car and drive. Sure, wherever I go will have its own responsibilities with different people to deal with, but with any luck maybe those people will be in a good mood and tonight will end on a relaxing note.

But I can't walk out the door. Because I don't work outside the home anymore. I stay home and homeschool our children. So at 5:15pm, even though I've already been fully on the job for 10 hours, I have at least four more to go, and that's if the kids actually go to bed on time and stay there. More often than not with my three year old lately I'll be looking at another six hours, minimum.

No drive by myself, listening to music to help me unwind. No change of scenery. No heading out to see if the next group of people in my life will be in a better mood. Nope. This is it.

It's been a rough day. Meltdowns, tantrums, tears, yelling, frustration, blatant disobedience and disrespect. All day.

I'm not saying there weren't good moments, because there were. But interspersed throughout the day, all day, many, many times were these moments, these difficult moments. These stressful, frustrating moments. I have yelled more times than I care to admit. It was a hard day.

But I can't pack up my desk and leave, and hope things will be better at home. This is my home, and my workplace. So I have a choice to make.

I can choose to focus on the negative, be a pessimist, and let it bring me down, which will continue to spiral my daughters' adverse behavior, or I can choose to try to see the positive in the day, be an optimist, force a smile on my face, and try to pick my girls up and make their day better. I'm the leader here. It's up to me to at least try to turn things around.

So I gather the supplies for a craft, get everything set up, tell the girls we'll do a craft. They're excited. They love crafts. This will be fun.

After reminding Jena that she needs to follow instructions or the craft won't turn out right, she yells at me that I'm ruining her art by making her follow directions and breaks down in tears because I "ruined" her project.

We take a break, but eventually finish. But no ones very excited about the craft anymore. And I'm starting to wonder why I bother.

Now it's time for dinner. I decide to make a new recipe, but one that is simple and kinda fun and I'm absolutely sure both girls will like. Jena refuses to admit that it's good, instead telling me everything that's wrong with it. But she takes a second helping. And a third.

Sometimes you can't help another person's bad mood. You can try. And especially for the ones you love, and the ones you're living with, you should. But ultimately it is all up to them. They have to decide to look at the bright side for themselves.

Dinner is over. The run baths for each girl in turn. They get into their pajamas, brush their teeth, get into bed.

It is now 11:45pm. Jillian is still awake. She just called me into her room a few minutes ago. The fourth time she's been out of bed, that I know of.

When you're a mom there is no end to your work day. Even when the kids aren't directly demanding my attention, I'm tending to housework, or school planning, or cooking, or pet care, or, or, or... The list goes on and on. And it doesn't matter if you work outside the home or stay home. The only difference is when you work outside the home you get a change of scenery, a break from one set of responsibilities, even if it is quickly replaced with another set.

I've done both. I was a mom who worked outside the home for six years, and now I've been a stay at home / homschooling mom for three years. They are equally demanding, equally stressful, just in different ways. I'm not going to lie, there are days when I think back longingly on my days as a working mom. Days when I have to remind myself how many years I spent wanting this, praying for the opportunity to stay home with my family. Days when I have to remind myself of the stresses of working outside the home. Today was definitely one of those days.

The truth is I miss working outside the home more than I ever thought I would. And while I was never one of those people who thought being a SAHM was an easy job, I definitely underestimated how difficult it can be at times. And then I decided to add homeschooling to the mix, LOL. I had no idea what I was in for! Despite all that, I remain convinced that for our family, at this moment in time, me staying home and homeschooling our children is the absolute best choice for us. I have to remind myself of that at times like today, but it is the truth.

So here's to all you working moms, wherever you call your "office". Keep your focus on what's best for your family, on why you do what you do, and keep on pushing through those hard days. There's a good day right around the corner. Promise.

As always, thanks for checking in.

Tools (or on my OCD tendencies)

** this was originally posted in 2012, but I thought it was good enough to share again. Enjoy! **

First of all, let me be clear that I have never been diagnosed with OCD, nor am I really sure that the tendencies that I have would even be classified as OCD, but that's what I call them, and that's what I've been told by others, so until I get another explanation, there ya go.

I've always enjoyed a good list. To do lists are my forte. At work, I'm known for "the list". At home, I have a chore list, a grocery list, a meal planning calendar, a daycare planning calendar, expense tracking worksheets, and even gift giving lists. All tracked on Excel.

Oh, how I love Microsoft Excel.

They all started innocently enough. Other than the To Do List (which I've used since I was way younger than anyone should use To Do Lists), they all came about after Jena was born, as tools to help me manage what seemed like an overwhelming amount of responsibility.

I love a list. I believe lists can be invaluable tools.

And I've been thinking a lot about tools lately.

You see, a few months ago, on a Friday, I had brought my chore list to work for some reason. When I left that evening, I accidentally left it on my desk. I remembered just as I pulled in the driveway.

And nearly had an anxiety attack.

I mean, how would I know what chores to do if I don't have my list?!? How will I know what needs to be done?!?

My list, it's organized by regular chores & special one-time chores. It's a matrix in order by date-last-completed, so I know exactly how long it's been since I've done what. I check them off as I go. It tells me what to do next.

And here I was, on a weekend where Jason wasn't gonna be home, and I would have all kinds of time to get housework done, and I didn't have my list.

I can't explain to you the kind of panic that set in. I can also tell you that I knew exactly how crazy that sounded. But it didn't change anything. I was completely hobbled without that list. I think I did manage to put one load of laundry in that Friday night, and Saturday morning I took Jena and drove to my office to get the List.

And yes, I knew exactly how crazy that was. But it didn't change the fact that I needed that list.

And I've been thinking about tools ever since.

Okay, not like constantly ever since, but... you get the idea.

And then, a few weeks ago... I did a load of laundry, and didn't check it off on the list. And unlike my usual remember-within-a few-minutes-and-run-to-the-kitchen-to-mark-it-off, I didn't even remember until the next morning.

I can't tell you how big that moment was, when I realized that I wasn't having anxiety over not recording the fact that I did a load of laundry.

Yes, I know exactly how crazy that sounds.

I never did check that load of laundry off.

I did check off the next load. And the next. And various other chores.

But it was different. I felt different.

I felt... like I was on the edge of something big. I was either going to have a breakthrough, or a breakdown. And in those moments, it felt like it could go either way.

Next thing I know, we needed groceries. But I didn't have time to get my grocery list together. You know, put it together in Excel, in order by aisle, look thru my paper coupons & mark the list accordingly, look for online coupons & mark the list accordingly, check the flier for discounts & mark the list accordingly... it takes time, and I hadn't had time to do it yet. But we needed food.

So I went grocery shopping.

Without a grocery list.

Without one single coupon.

Without knowing what was on sale.

There was something liberating about that trip to Kroger.

Like, really, actually freeing.

I felt free.

I was lucky enough to be by myself, and I dawdled in each aisle, perusing items & prices for what my family would want versus what was reasonably priced. It was probably the least draining shopping trip I've ever had. I dare say I felt energized leaving that store.

And I haven't marked a single chore off my chore list ever since.

Now, granted, there are times when I worry that I've missed a chore, when our house is a mess and I think "maybe I really did need that list".

And then I remember that our house was a mess before, and maybe it's a teeny tiny bit messier than before, but... if so, not by enough to really notice.

I can see when the hamper is full and laundry needs to be done. Or the sink is full and dishes need to be done. Or the garbage is full & needs to be taken out.

Mental note: clean the bathroom.

Why? because it needs it

It's not that I didn't see these things before, it's that I was handicapped by the very tools I created to help me. Or rather I was handicapped by my dependence on these lists.

Example? Sure.

Let's say the living room floor is dirty.

my reaction then: "yuck. The floor is dirty. I need to do laundry so we have clothes to wear, and then if I have time, I can probably do one or two more chores. But I can't sweep the floor until I straighten the living room and pick up toys & things. I'll have to see if anything is higher on the list than "straighten the living room" and "sweep floors"."

my reaction now: "yuck. The floor is dirty. I need to do laundry first so we have clothes to wear, but then I should have time to do one or two more chores. Maybe tonight I'll pick up the living room & sweep the floor."

See the difference? Of course you do.

Tools.

I'm thankful for my lists. I think when I started using them, when I was truly overwhelmed, when I was fighting PPD, when I was struggling with so many issues, I needed them. I needed tools to help me handle the everyday tasks that others take for granted.

Tools are great like that. Tools are meant to be used when one is lacking in the ability to complete the task by themselves.

Think about it. I mean, if you could hammer in a nail with your bare hand... would you ever buy a hammer? Probably not. You need the tool.

But somewhere along the way, my tools became my crutch.

I am better now. I am stronger. I am healed.

I am not perfect. Far, far from it. But I am ready to stop depending on my tools, and start depending on myself.

I am free.

Right now, I am not using any of my lists or calendars for home. None of them. I may reinstate one or more of them in the future (after all, I am a little concerned I'll forget to buy laundry detergent on my next grocery trip), but for now... I'm content to toddle into the world, finding my way again, figuring out how I'm gonna do this, how am I gonna manage these tasks. I'm happy to be in a new phase of home management, redefining how I will manage my home. I will make mistakes along the way, I am sure, but I also feel quite confident that in the end I will be doing a better job than I ever was before.

As always, thanks for checking in.

Coping with a husband being gone so much

** I originally posted on this topic back in 2011 when I was working full time outside the home. This is updated to add some notes now that I have a couple of years of experience as a stay-at-home and homeschooling mom and my children are older. **


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As a fire wife, one of the struggles is being home alone. A lot. Feeling like a single mom. A lot.

In fact, I have a whole new respect for single moms. And for military wives / moms. Because I know how hard it is with as much as Jason is gone, and I can't imagine being on my own all the time, or until he came home on leave.

It's important that you voice your frustrations to him. Not in a I'm-pissed-at-you-way, but in a I'm-frustrated-and-I'm-struggling-way.
He needs to know what you're going thru.

This is also a good time to ask him what his frustrations are with his schedule. Like missing out on kids' milestones, not playing with them as much, not enough date nights with you, etc.

It's important that the two of you at least try to understand where both of you are coming from, because you are both in very different positions.

You're not in the normal two-income family, where both parents leave in the morning, and both parents come home every night, Monday thru Friday.

You're not the normal one-income family, where he leaves in the morning and comes home every night. Depending on shifts and second jobs he's gone 24-48 hours at a stretch, or sometimes longer.

He's spending nights away from home, having dinner, spending time, and sleeping with other people, while you take care of the kids and the house by yourself after putting in a full day of work.

He doesn't have a "weekend", as his shift includes Saturdays and Sundays. He'll work holidays too, leaving you to handle the celebrations alone. He will miss your daughter's soccer games, even though they're on Saturdays. He will miss a lot of family events thru the years.

This creates stress and frustrations for each of you, but you each have a different kind of frustration.
He has the frustration of not being there, and you have the frustration of being there alone. It's very different, so you must communicate.

The fact is that being in a situation where your spouse is gone much of the time, well... it sucks. It just does.

As far as taking care of the children, and the house:

Things became much simpler for me when I just took Jason out of the equation, when it comes to taking care of the house and the kids.

You just do it yourself. If you need a sitter for some reason, you take care of arranging it, and you do what you need to do. You do all the daycare drop-offs and pick-ups, even if he's home. You plan on doing all of the housework, even if it's his off day. You handle all of the feedings, all of the baths. You feed all the pets, clean all of the poop (pet & baby - ha!). You get everyone dressed in the mornings, get everyone ready to go. Even if he's there.

Keep him in the loop on everything, but just accept it as what you have to do so he can do what he has to do.

This has really helped me / us. It doesn't make the actual work any easier, but it eases a lot of frustration because I don't feel I'm counting on him to do something that he's just not going to do.

And then when he does volunteer to take care of something, it's like a bonus. For everyone.

And that lowers everyone's stress level.

At the same time, you need to realize & accept that you can't do everything. Prioritize what's most important. Obviously taking care of your child(ren) is a must, but other housework, chores, etc.... prioritize, and do the top things first, even if they're inconvenient or unpleasant.

Give it some time & figure out what you can reasonably do in a day, a week, etc. Then talk to your husband and see if he can pick up some of the rest. If not, or if he's not sure, factor him out of the equation.

If that's just not a possibility, then your choices are paying someone to do it (ie. housework), or it just not getting done (ie. housework), or not getting done as frequently as you'd like (ie. housework).

Guess you can tell what doesn't get done at our house, huh?  (ie. housework - ha!)

And you both have to accept that. Because it's reality.

You can't beat yourself up because after working a full day outside the home, or spending hours each day schooling your children, taking care of the kid(s) by yourself, and the putting another couple of hours of housework in before bed, you're still not "done".

You will never be "done".

He can't come home expecting a clean & tidy house, perfectly stocked cupboard, and dinner on the table after you've been working full days outside of the home, or homeschooled the children, doing all (or the vast majority) of the childcare yourself, and all (or the vast majority) of the housework yourself.

It's not physically possible. It's just not.

Oh, you might have a mountaintop moment once in a while, but it's unreasonable for either of you to expect things to be maintained at that level.

And for all the SAHMs out there, one thing I figured out really quickly since becoming a SAHM is this little secret that those who work outside the home don't get (or at least I didn't, and I still think my husband doesn't):

If the kids are home all day, not in school, or pre-school, or in daycare, or wherever, then that means they have more time to make messes in the home. I totally did not grasp that until I started staying home. When I worked, sure messes happened, things were untidy, but the waking time that Jena was home was limited, therefore messes were limited. This is not the case when you all stay home every day. Not. At. All.

## side note - I determined my top priorities to be: laundry, grocery shopping, and doing the dishes. I figured if I could keep clean clothes on my family, food for them to eat, and clean dishes for them to eat off of, then I was doing pretty well. The rest I look at as bonus. ##

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As far as scheduling goes, we share a Google Calendar, that I can access at home or on phone, and he can access on his phone as well. This has helped immensely when it comes to scheduling even the little things.

I can see when is shifts are (because even though they are every 3rd day, like clockwork, I still cannot keep that straight in my head), when he has extra things to do, when he has jobs for the family business, etc.
He can see when I've made plans and he needs to be home. In fact, now that we have a family business, there are often days that I block his calendar so he or his brother don't schedule him work. I only do this if I really & truly need him to be available, or if we've discussed it and he's agreed. This is important. He can trust me to only block his schedule when I absolutely need him, and I can trust him to honor my requests in his schedule.


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He's doing what he feels he needs to do to provide for his family financially, and even if he might be willing to look at another career path eventually, well, it's not going to happen overnight.

So you just have to come to terms within yourself with the reality of your situation, as it is at this moment, and deal with it in the best way you can.

You make it work. You do what you need to do, and you make it work for your family.

It's not fun. It's not glamourous. It sucks. And sometimes it really, really sucks.

But you do it. You make it work.

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And there it is. My advice on how to handle your husband being gone so much.

Thanks for reading! And hopefully this will help someone out there get a handle on things! Does anyone have any advice to add?

2014 Recap

* I originally wrote this in January, but apparently never hit "publish", so here goes*

So a quick recap of 2014:

March:
- Jason's business kicked off it's 2nd season


April:
- my employer announced that it will be closing the Kentucky location within the next 3 years and all jobs will be relocated. Mine specifically is going to Michigan.

May:
- Miss Jillian was born
- Miss Jena graduated from Kindergarten
- my parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary

July:
- we made a decision regarding both my job and Jena's education

August:
- after more than 10 years with my employer, I resigned my position

September:
- we began homeschooling Jena

October:
- our family's first trip to Disney World
- a trip to Chicago

November:
- Jason expands his business to include Christmas light installation (residential & commercial)

December:
- holidays (need I say more)

Update on the Job Front

In other, work related news, I have no idea what is going to happen with me career-wise.

source

Many of you know that I haven't been terribly happy at my job as of late. In fact, I believe I used the word "miserable". While I can't say things have gotten worse, they haven't gotten better either. I've tried talking to my Manager, to my General Manager, to my HR rep, to other members of management in my department. Everyone tells me their hands are tied. Even those who acknowledge that there are issues claim there's nothing they can do to improve the situation.

I've come to hate that phrase "my hands are tied". Mostly because I don't believe it anymore. I used to. But I just have a really hard time believing that no one in management can do a darn thing about it. It's that they don't want to.

Add to that the fact that shortly before I left on maternity leave my company made a major announcement that will have a direct impact on my job, a major impact on my job, and I'm in a sort of career limbo.

We're in process of reviewing all of our options, both if I stay and if I leave, and trying to determine what's best for our family. Unfortunately it's difficult to make the decision because my company is waiting a few more months to reveal all the details about how my position is impacted by the announcement, and we need some of those details to help us make a decision.

So, quite frankly, it's a bit stressful. I hate not knowing. The limbo is frustrating and for me, stressful. I'm a security gal. I need the security of knowing what's going to happen. But right now that's kinda impossible.

So that's an update on the job front. As always, thanks for checking in.

Work Vent

I… just… cannot…handle it today. So you get to read my vent.

About three weeks ago my work brought in a temp to cover basic administrative duties while I’m off on maternity leave. Fine.

Then it ends up that they didn’t even screen her for her knowledge of Microsoft Office, which, you know, I use constantly in my job. Like most of the corporate world.

Especially Excel. We use Excel for just about everything. She had never been in the program. Which meant I spent much of her first week teaching her things like how to color the background of a cell, how to insert a row, how to delete a column, etc., etc., etc.

I get that it’s not her fault. The blame falls on the management members who hired her for not screening her properly. But still… Drives. Me. Nuts.

And then there are things that I just consider intuitive in a corporate office setting. Things like if your computer hasn’t been working properly in a week, call the Help Desk. Or, I don’t know, maybe let me or our supervisor know, so we can tell you to call the HelpDesk.

Or you can just sit there complaining about it until I explicitly tell you “call the Help Desk”, then you complain for another 20 minutes before making the call.

Things like when you’re logging into a new system, and  Information Systems has informed you to leave your password blank the first time, and you will be prompted to create a new password. So you try to log in, then when you get to password, you ask me what to put. And I say “Didn’t I/S tell you to leave it blank?”

“Well… yes.”

“Then I suggest you leave it blank.”

{{ head desk }}

Stuff like this happens all. day. long.

Things like, our Assistant Manager tells you to book a specific meeting room. There’s a problem with the room. You inform me with a helpless look on your face. I tell you to call the Assistant Manager who made the request. You do so. Problem solved.

Why do I have to explain this to you?

Like having someone send me an attachment for a meeting notice that you sent out, then me having to explain to you that since you sent out the invite, I cannot add the attachment.

Why would you have them send it to me, when you sent out the original meeting invite with the original attachments?

This makes no sense to me.

Like when you’re expecting someone  to stop by your desk, so you have to discuss with me whether or not it’s okay to take your break right now, or if you should wait.

You are a 40-something supposedly professional. Can you not figure this out for yourself?

I don’t understand.

And when I told you to use the group email for our entire group, and not just our location, it wasn’t just for fun. We have employees located at other locations. The email needed to go to all of our employees. So why did you use the one just for this location? When I specifically included the correct group address in the written work instructions, and verbally explained to you which one to use and why?

Why?

And when our Manager told you to remind an entire group to fill out a specific form, then you ask me if you should remind everyone, or just one person. He said the entire group. He gave you a list of names.

I don’t understand why you even have to ask. He very clearly told you what to do.

Today, my patience is thin. I’m tired, I’m irritable, I don’t want to be here at all.

And it doesn’t help that this temp, whose previous best trait was the fact that she was really super-nice, and willing to learn has decided to cop an attitude, demanding why she hasn’t been trained on more (because you can’t handle it), and blaming me and other team members on her lack of training thus far.

Here’s the deal: how can I train you on more complicated items, when I have to teach you the basics of the software first?

So no, you will not be getting access to our secure database system to run queries, pull data streams, etc. Because it’s too easy to mess up the entire database if you don’t know what you’re doing. Which is why only three of us in the entire division have access to it to begin with. And since I just taught you how to bold the text in an Excel cell, no, we don’t trust your skill level to even be able to do that part of the job, let alone not screw up the entire system because you don’t know what you’re doing. So quit stomping your feet.

Besides your skill level, you’ve shown over & over that your attention to detail is not what it needs to be to be successful at this job. There are too many mistakes on too many menial tasks.

Oh, and as for not having a full work day? Talk to management. I advised them months ago that since you would only be doing the very basic administrative  items, part-time would be more than enough. They insisted on bringing someone in full time.

The transition work plan that you have a copy of clearly shows a workload of approximately 12 hours per week of standard work. Leaving roughly another 4 hours for non-standard requests. That’s an estimated 16 hours per week. I don’t have more to give you. Don’t like it? Talk to the manager. Stop huffing at me like I’m holding out on you.

The management team & I have discussed it. There was talk of letting you go. You got to stay. The decision was that:
a) the department can muddle thru for a couple of months, and
b) since I could be out literally any day now, re-training someone else on the items you have learned is too time consuming. It’s risky.

You got to stay. Appreciate that.

Family Business Update

Regarding the business, Jason's starting the season with a bang. Since his job is so “weather permitting”, this week is the first week with several days available for him to work. And on Monday he had two jobs. He has several others lined up for later this week as well, but we’re honestly not sure if he’ll be able to do them or need to postpone them.

Why?

Well, first of all after a couple of days of beautiful weather, we’re back in a cold snap. So the weather for later this week is very iffy.

Secondly, his work van – the one that pulls his the trailer with all of his equipment and holds all of his tools – died Monday. Transmission went out. We knew it would happen eventually, as the van is nearly 20 years old, but it showed no signs of problems.

Luckily we were already planning on the business buying a truck later this year. It just came sooner than we thought. So yesterday he bought a work truck. But the dealership has to finalize some paperwork, so he can’t pick it up until tomorrow. And while he got a great deal on it, it does need tires. And brakes. And a trailer hitch so it can actually pull his trailer. And as optimistic as I am, the idea of all of that getting done in time for him to pick up the truck, finish the work that needs to be done on the truck, then go out and do a few jobs all in the next two days seems highly unlikely. So the jobs will probably need to be postponed.

Oh well. We hate to disappointment customers, but sometimes things like this can’t be helped. And now we have a new truck, which we knew we’d need eventually anyway. So I’m sure it’ll all work out in the end after all.

As always, thanks for checking in!

Work Struggles

So lately I've been really struggling with my work situation.

As you may remember, we went thru a major organizational change nearly 2 years ago, and as a result the entire culture & environment I am working in has changed drastically as well.

And I'm miserable.

First of all, and probably most serious, here is advice / tidbits I've gotten from people who have long-term been in the group we merged with:

Trust no one. I've seen too many people stabbed in the back by people they thought they could trust.

Trust no one.

Welcome to the fishbowl. Where everyone's watching you, either to feed on you or to hide behind you.

Watch what you say. Everyone's listening, and they will twist your words and use it against you.

This is completely out of character to everything I've known during my 10 years with this company. Sure, I've had my issues (who doesn't?), but I could always trust my co-workers. Heck, I know many of their spouses, our kids play together. After 10 years, a lot of them feel more like family.

I've already experienced some of this first-hand. And so has at least one of my co-workers / friends.

It's really sad.

You wouldn't think the culture in a company could change that much from one division to another, but obviously it can.

Another big difference is that now there is a much bigger emphasis on appearance. You see, since being here I've always worked in an engineering group. There's a huge focus on productivity, results, etc. Now that we've merged with an administrative group, it seems to be all about appearances. It's not enough to do a good job. Now you have to spend ridiculous amounts of time making a pretty report to "prove" that you did the work. And if your report isn't pretty enough? You might as well not bother doing the work at all.

It even translates into personal appearance. Which I find interesting considering we're all under the same dress code. Here we have a business casual dress code.

My guys tend to dress in a polo, slacks, and steel toed shoes (they're cuter than you think). Now that we've moved (oh yeah, our office moved to another building - ugh)? Women in heels & dresses nicer than I wear to weddings, men in ties. It's even different in the bathroom. In the other building, you did your business & got out. Here? Women spend copious amounts of time preening in front of the mirror.

It's sickening how much emphasis is put on appearance over function now.

Add to that my actual work situation. Due to the org change, the vast majority of my projects were handed over to another group, because it better fits in their responsibilities. I was supposed to be backfilled with new projects.

That has yet to happen. It's been brought up to my (new) manager multiple times. But there's been little to no development, and the work he's given me to try to fill my time is rote administrative tasks. Which I don't mind doing, to a point, but...

I realized the other day that I am in exactly the same position I was 10 years ago.

Ten years ago I started here, in this building, on this floor, surrounded by people I barely knew, spending the vast majority of my day doing data entry.

I did well, they gave me more responsibility. I did that well, they gave me more. Rinse, repeat. It took seven years for them to max out my capacity. I led multiple projects on a regular basis, led cross-functional teams as needed for special projects, presented to the entire division regularly. And I loved my work.

Now? Ten years later? In the matter of about nine months, because of handing off projects that weren't backfilled, because of an office move made due to corporate politics over business need, I am in exactly the same position. Nine months has made the difference. It has been a huge step backward in my career.

I am in the same building, on the same floor, surrounded by people I barely know, spending the majority of my time doing data entry.

I've repeatedly told my Manager I want more: more work, more responsibility. Teach me. Develop me. Let me do more. He seems to listen, but nothing happens.

My husband thinks I should go over his head, to the General Manager, who came from my old group and with whom I've had a good working relationship. Maybe he's right, but I'm reluctant to pull the go-over-your-head card.

But I am miserable.

I feel trapped.

Because, let's face it. I'm probably not going anywhere for a while.

Jena's tuition is subsidized by my employer. So until she graduates Kindergarten (in May), I'm not leaving. Oh, and my due date is in May, so then there's maternity leave, so... basically I have a year. And let's face it, even if I were willing to leave before then, no one wants to hire the pregnant lady. Oh, they legally can't list that as their reason, but we all know it's true. So that leaves a year. A year to find a way to improve things.

Sometimes I think I just need to improve my attitude, my outlook.

All I know is something's gotta give. I just hope it's not me.

As always, thanks for checking in.

How Far We've Come

Sometimes it's nice to look back at where we were in the past. It can be amazing how far we've come in a relatively short amount of time:

One Year Ago:
Things were just starting to calm down. After my father-in-law's passing in April, followed by my nephew's overdose in May, plus some major changes at work, last year was rather hectic and stressful. By September things were beginning to resemble something closer to normal. Finally.

Two Years Ago:
I was battling a bevy of health issues: my legs & feet were tingling from my spinal injury, I was struggling with some major digestive issues, and finally met with a pulmonologist about my recurrent cough. As you know, everything turned out okay in the end. This was also Jena's first Summer at preschool.

Three Years Ago:
We were house hunting, struggling in our marriage, and I was fighting major depression. I was busting my butt at the gym & following a strict diet, only to not see any results, as my metabolic disorder was as yet undiagnosed. We were just beginning to realize Jena may be speech delayed, and she was still watched by my parents full-time.

Four Years Ago:
Wow. Four years ago I started my blog. While I struggled with post-partum depression & anxiety, I was blissfully unaware of the marital issues that were lurking around the corner. Jason was getting ready to start medic school, Jena was a toddling machine.

Five Years Ago:
I was hugely pregnant, madly in love, and looking forward to starting our family, as we celebrated with baby showers and 4D ultrasounds. The pregnancy and dreams of our little girl pretty much consumed our lives at this point.

Six Years Ago:
We were engaged and busily planning our upcoming wedding. Invitations would be going out right about now. I had finished my Open Water certification and we did quite a bit of diving that Summer. Fun!

Seven Years Ago:
It was around this time that I knew I wanted to marry Jason. We had been dating only a few short months, but I just knew. We spent the Summer going to festivals, taking walks, and just being in love. I had finally had my back surgery earlier in the year, so was enjoying my first pain-free Summer in what seemed like forever.

Eight Years Ago:
Single and unattached, work was  pretty much my life. I was just beginning to look at apartments closer to work, and I still volunteered with my college marching band. I was also on the Alumni Band Board of Governors. In other words, I kept busy. Post-accident but pre-surgery I was in pain daily, and often walked hunched over.

Nine Years Ago:
Still enthralled with my new job and employer (where I am now), I also struggled with boredom. My previous jobs had been fast-paced and the work endless, but I now was constantly asking for more work. Fresh out of a relationship, I was constantly scouting the engineers at my new workplace (it's true!). I volunteered with my college marching band, which kept me fairly busy.

Ten Years Ago:
Actively searching for work, desperate to leave my job with the bad manager (as it's become to be known). I was miserable with my job, volunteered with my college marching band, and usually took seasonal jobs as a trumpet, marching, or drum major instructor with local high schools. Yes, I was (and still am) a total band nerd, LOL.

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It's amazing how much our lives can change in a relative short amount of time, isn't it? I feel like the past 8 years especially have been a whirlwind.

What about you? How has your life changed in recent years?

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this post inspired by this post

List of Gratitude

If I'm being honest, I've been struggling a lot lately with a lack of gratitude. Well, more precisely I guess you could call it envy. I've watched as some of the people in my circle seem to be getting all of the things I long for. Sometimes it is so precisely exactly what I was wanting, that I almost want to accuse them of doing it just to spite me. Which is ridiculous.

So in an effort to help refocus my mind on what I do have, instead of what I do not, I've decided to do a gratitude post. Enjoy!

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I am thankful for:

my husband So many years I spent thinking I would never find anyone to love me (not forever, anyway), that I would possibly never be married, yet here I am. Married for 6 years now to my best friend.

my daughter She is the incarnation of every dream I ever had about motherhood. She is the fulfillment of my calling, my reason for existence. She amazes me every day.

our home I've always wanted to own land. Our little ranch house on 5.5 acres is perfect. Sure, I'd like to develop it some more: a barn, fencing, etc. But it's the living area I always dreamed of having.

our critters I can't imagine myself without sharing my life with some of God's creatures. Three dogs, two cats, and 10 chickens are enough. For now. I am thankful that none of us have allergies that prevent us from having these wonderful companions in our lives.

my family I am blessed to come from a large extended family, and can't imagine my life any other way. We gather religiously at every holiday, often in gatherings of 50 or more people. They are an amazing group, and a source of strength in my life.

my job While sometimes I lament not being a SAHM, the truth is I like my job. I work with people I genuinely care about, I've learned a multitude of new skills, I'm respected in certain circles, there is opportunity for broadening my horizons. Add to that decent pay and amazing benefits and I have truly been blessed in this area.

our church Our church is amazing. The outreach to the community, the opportunities to serve, the teachings, the friendships... we have gained so much by joining this particular house of worship.

our finances While things could certainly be better, and they have, we are doing okay. We can pay all of our bills, and even have a little left over. Plus we have some in savings. All in all, we're doing well.

social media I end on the medium that brought me to blogging: social media. I started blogging via MySpace, and eventually expanded to a "real" blog. I've met friends thru blogging that turned into real life friends, I've reconnected with old friends via MySpace & Facebook, I've met friends via message boards, and shared my thoughts on Twitter. Social media has been good for me.

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Please pray for me to continue to turn my mindset around. And as always, thanks for checking in!

The battle rages on...

I'm sitting at my desk.

I just came out of a meeting, and I'm ticked off. Like shake some people, slap some others, spew profanity into the air, throw things around the room ticked off.

But I'm at work, and I can't afford to get fired, so I'm sitting at my desk, mind spinning, unable to focus on work, with an angry face on.

And I so badly want to go to the vending machine and get a snack.

But I'm not hungry. I'm angry.
And so I don't go.

But I want to.

I have been fighting this mental battle with myself for the past 15 minutes.

I'm not hungry, I'm angry. I'm not hungry, I'm angry.
But you can get something good, you know? Wheat Thins, Baked Lays. They have good options.

But I'm not hungry, I'm angry.
But you've been good today. You had apples for breakfast, a salad for lunch, you can get a snack. You know you want to.

But I'm not hungry, I'm angry.
The problem with that mantra is that the other option for squashing my feelings is to throw things around the office, and that's kinda frowned upon.

But eating a snack at your desk? Who doesn't do that from time to time? Looking around the room, two co-workers are doing so now. They even provide vending machines for you to get snacks.

But I'm not hungry, I'm angry.
And I'm tired of being fat.

So I'm getting it out the only other way I know how. I'm writing.

I'm not hungry, I'm angry. I'm not hungry, I'm angry. I'm not hungry, I'm angry.
The battle rages on...

Things that Project Management Taught Me

not everyone manages themselves. some people need to a babysitter

somebody will not be happy with the results. almost guaranteed

start early, something will go wrong

Friday Fragments

source

It has been quite a while since I participated in Friday Fragments, but here it is. Friday. And I have fragments to share. Feel free to follow the linked picture above to join in as well

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 - My laptop is still on the fritz. It's looking like we'll be getting a new one, but that's not really in the budget right now, so I don't know when. I am very thankful for the Kindle Jason surprised me with a couple of month's ago. But I do miss having a laptop.

 - Work is confusing right now. As you might have guessed by this post, there have been some frustrations. But I also keep hearing little bits & pieces that give me hope that they're planning more for me in the future. I keep hearing phrases like:

"our vision for you"
"deeper level work"
"handover of administrative tasks"
"increase your technical knowledge"

So it's a combination of encouraging & frustrating, and much of it is vague, with few details. Which increases the frustration at times.

- Buddy is getting older. And showing his age. When it was still Winter, he got cold much more easily than in previous years, and consequently spent many more nights indoors than in the past. He also moves much more slowly, and stiffens with (probable) arthritis on chilly nights. Big Dog has become Old Dog.

- Jena is growing like a weed, both in physical growth and maturity. It's amazing to see her advance as she gets older.

- Jason's new business is doing really well. I think he's a bit frustrated that it's not growing faster, but I'm super-proud of everything he's accomplished.

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I guess that's all for now. As always, thanks for checking in!

Do I need to leave my job?

I'm so ticked off I can't think straight, and so am coming here to write it out.

After two promotions at my current job, I now have the title of Associate.

For the past eight years, I have been handling responsibilities for my division that I knew for a fact were being done by Specialists (one step above me) and in some cases even Assistant Managers (two steps above me) in other divisions.

I have known this for a fact. I have argued the point on multiple occasions. It's one of the reasons I got the two promotions that I have managed to squeeze out of them. But it was a fight both times.

I was just informed that "management's idea" is that there are some things that Specialists have been doing for 15+ years that they have now decided are really more Associate-level work. So they want to train me to do these things.
But not give me a promotion, or raise my pay.

So for over 15 years these responsibilities have been Specialist level, but now, I can do it.

Of course I can do it. I'm damn good.

It does not mean that the job is no longer Specialist level, it means that I am Specialist level.

I argued that they can't just randomly decide this and give me the job so they can get the same activity done for a lower pay rate. I was responded with an eye roll.

I asked that if they have spontaneously decided that Specialists weren't doing Specialist-level work, then why don't they demote those Specialists down to Associates instead.

I got a heavy sigh and something about how I don't understand how things work.

I do understand. I was hired nine years ago to do data entry & filing. My responsibilities have expanded hundred-fold. More than 75% of my job is now Specialist level work. But instead of promoting me to that level, you are exploiting my abilities so you can get the same job down at a lower pay grade.

From what I was told this morning I am pretty convinced that if I ever want to be taken seriously, if I ever want a promotion, I will need to leave my division, if not my company.

And that sucks.

Working Women, Appearance, and Discrimination

This morning as I dressed for work, I selected a work-issued polo shirt, khaki pants, and my steel-toed shoes. I may work in an office, but it's in a Lab, and steel-toes are acceptable work attire.

Nothing unusual about my outfit, but for some reason it led me to recall a day several years ago, when I was wearing a similar outfit, and was pulled aside by my then supervisor, and told that I needed to "work on my appearance".

I was a bit taken aback. Other than the weight I had gained post-pregnancy, my appearance had not changed. I was well within our employee dress code, and dressed similar to the rest of the (male) team members in the office.

The truth is, I felt discriminated against. Nothing in my job requires me to "dress up" or "look good". I do not interact with the public or customers. I sit in my desk in the corner, and do my work. I was dressed well within our corporate policy. My then-long hair was pulled back into a low ponytail. I wasn't wearing makeup, but well, I don't. Never have.

So what changed? After all these years, why was I being told to work on my appearance?

See, I couldn't decide if I felt like I was being discriminated against because I was a woman, or because I'd gotten fat. Maybe both.

But that wasn't the most disturbing part to me.

The most disturbing part was when I took the issue to a working moms message board to ask for advice. And there, among other working women, I was chastised.

It was my fault, they said. As a working woman, I should know that I have to present myself better than the men around me, and should have already done so. I should know how important appearance is in the working world, and should just follow my boss's direction.

Don't I know that a polo and khakis just look better on a man, and even if it's within dress code, I shouldn't wear it, because it just tends to look sloppier on women then on men?

I should dress up, slacks & heels, if not an actual business suit, and fix my hair & wear makeup every day. This is what I need to do to be respected in the work place. It's just how it is.

I still have not forgotten their comments. The feeling of being chastised by the people you went to for support.

I'm not going to argue the world isn't that way, that - particularly in male dominated workplaces, like mine - it's harder for women. Because it is I see it regularly. It is more difficult to get recognition & respect for the work you do. You do have to work harder, and yes, maybe it would help me get noticed if I put on some heels more often than I do.

But I still can't get over it. I can't get over the idea that women - professional, career women - have just accepted this as fact, and instead of standing up and saying "no, this isn't fair, you have to treat me the same as a man dressed the same way", they just give in and slap on some lipstick so they can play the game.

I can't get over other women saying it was okay for me to be told that even though I am dressed well within dress code, dressed similarly to the men in the office, that yes, it was okay for my male boss to tell me to work on my appearance.

I can't get over them chastising me for not knowing that it was okay for me to be treated differently in the workplace based on my appearance and/or gender.

I still can't figure out why they think women in polo & khakis look "sloppy" compared to men in the same outfit. Is it the curves that bother you? Do breasts ruin the clean line you see on men? Do full hips and buttocks not fit in with what you see as professional?

Isn't that your problem, not mine?

I have forgiven the male boss I had at the time. I never did change my appearance, and he apparently got over it. I've never heard a word since, from him or anyone else at my workplace.

But the words of those women haunt me. Women so accustomed to being discriminated against based on their looks and their gender, that it has become the norm to them, a rule that other women should be chastised for breaking.

This is 2013. And I find it ridiculous that a group of professional women have not only accepted, but are perpetuating the idea that it is okay to judge someone in the workplace based on their appearance and / or gender, instead of judging them based on their actual work, on their output. What are we doing to each other? Why are we supporting the idea that this is okay?

I just don't get it, and probably never will.

There probably isn't a "right" answer

Jena's preschool had their rates posted by the door yesterday. I glanced quickly, and figured out how much it would cost if we had a 2nd child.

Assuming they were there at the same time, it would be over 75% of my paycheck. And our daycare expenses are subsidized as a benefit to employees. It's actually pretty cheap, especially considering the quality of the facility and the caliber of the preschool.

I shouldn't be surprised. I remember when I was pregnant w/ Jena, before I qualified for the work daycare, and before we knew what our child care arrangement would be, I priced out a few day cares in the area. No matter which way we went, just for her, would cost us over 90% of my paycheck back then.

Ouch.

And that got me thinking. With the financial goals we've been moving toward, we've discussed me becoming a SAHM after #2 comes, or possibly reducing hours to part-time.

Which got me thinking even more... would I be willing to continue working another 6+ years if we didn't financially need my income, in order for baby #2 to be able to go thru this preschool?

I waver.

We have been over-the-moon impressed with the preschool program. And it is, in fact, cheaper than any other preschool we've looked at, and much cheaper than any school of this caliber.

But how many times have I thought that I could be a better mom to Jena if I didn't have to work? That's not likely to change.

I know we don't need a decision any time soon, and I still haven't even approached HR w/ the discussion of part-time benefits, and there's always the possibility that we'll face a financial setback and I'll still need to work, but still... this has been on my mind lately.

Stay working so I can send baby to a fantastic preschool? or stop working so I can stay home and devote myself to my family & home?

Honestly, I think the reason this is so difficult is because there probably isn't a "right" answer. Either choice will be good in its own right. Either choice will require a different sacrifice.

Apprehension is normal, right?

Eeek! It's getting closer! Quite frankly, it makes me really nervous.

The milestone we want to achieve before TTC is a financial one. And thanks to Dave Ramsey, it keeps getting closer & closer. The way things are right this very minute, we'd start trying in just a few short months.

But... because we're doing so well on the program, making extra payments, etc... it's likely to be even closer than that.
Eeek

We talked about it over the weekend. We both have concerns because our marital problems did start soon after Jena was born. Will another child be another stressor to our lives that we have difficulty overcoming? Both individually and together?

I worry about being able to handle another child, considering I currently do 95% of the childcare, and 90% of what-little-housework-manages-to-get-done.

Of course, we both worry about how Jena will adapt to not getting all of the attention, not only from us, but from grandparents, aunts & uncles, etc (she's the 1st grandbaby on my side, and the only one in town - and the 1st girl born on Jason's side in 2 generations, and the only child under the age of 15). Let's just say she may not be spoiled in material goods, or lack of structure/discipline, but she is definitely spoiled when it comes to the amount of undivided attention she gets.

If I'm being honest, I do go back & forth.

Between my brain... and my heart.

Because in my heart I do not feel like our family is complete just yet. I feel like there is somethingone missing.

I don't want to make any stupid decisions, but at the same time I don't want to end up at 50 yrs old, deciding NOW we can handle it, still feeling this ache in my heart, only now it's too late.

I think it is time. And I imagine most of our apprehension is normal. Right?

Anyway, we did toy with the idea of waiting a bit longer to start TTC, even if we reach our financial milestone before then. My reasons are heart-reasons. Jason's reasons are mind-reasons. Typical, I know, LOL.

In the meantime, I'm preparing. I go for my yearly at the Ob soon, and will be discussing it with him, including anything I might possibly be able to do to avoid the difficult L&D experience of last time. I plan to bring up the idea of a scheduled C-section. Although not usually a fan, I do understand that there's a chance that will be the safest route for me & (hopefully future) baby.

I've quit my endocrine meds cold turkey, due to side effects. I don't see him again until next month to discuss alternative treatment options. Honestly though, as long as my endocrine levels remain normalized, I'd be okay with not going back on anything, especially considering we may TTC in the near future (the meds I was on I would have to quite a full 60 days prior to TTC to avoid birth defects & other complications).

We even gone so far as to discuss whether or not Jena would attend school while I'm on maternity leave. I say 'yes'. First of all, to give me some time to adjust to baby #2, and secondly because she won't really be in "pre"school anymore. She'll be at least in kindergarten, and that would be a lot of time to miss from "regular" school.

We've also discussed the financial impact. How this time we can start saving as soon as we TTC, or before, how we have a better idea of what to expect (not just financially either!), how our new insurance actually covers more maternity costs, how since I'm now a permanent employee I can get paid short-term-disability, etc, etc, etc. We were in a pretty good place financially before. But this time we will be in a much better financial place.

So much so that I should be able to take a full 12-week maternity leave without serious repercussions to our budget.

Which is good, because I'm planning to. Six weeks may be enough for most some, but it definitely was not for me. And no, not in a I-don't-wanna-leave-my-baby way, but in a medical- and emotional- preparation way, due to medical complications & Post Partum Depression. I'd rather plan for 12 weeks off, not need it all, and end up with some extra home-with-baby time, then plan for 6 weeks, then end up needing more time, like happened before.

So I guess... that's where we are right now. A bit long, I know, but thanks for checking in!

I'm Mad at a Luxury Vehicle

I'm in a funk. Actually, I'm really irritated about something. Something stupid. But I haven't been able to shake it, so I'm writing about it here in hopes to get it out of my system.

One of my co-workers bought a new Lexus. And it ticks me off.

For no reason at all. I mean, why should I be in a funk because someone else bought a car? Makes no sense, right? Exactly! That's why I have to get it out my system. Hence, the writing.

This is not an unusual development. Stuff like this happens all the time. So maybe it's just a straw-broke-the-camel's-back sort of thing.

For the past nine years, I've worked with people who make (in my perspective) a lot of money. Co-workers just one level above me make about what Jason & I make combined. And it increases the higher on the totem pole you get. Understandably.

And since I work with a lot of men, this means that with few exceptions, their wives are all stay-at-home-moms. Most of them live in nice houses in nice subdivisions and drive nice cars. They wear name brand clothing (Polo Ralph Lauren seems to be the brand of choice). They go on vacations that are on my "dream" list. With few exception they all belong to a gym. The children attend private schools and take dance / gymnastic / karate classes at expensive private studios. Many of them have cleaning ladies that come weekly. Because I am friends with several of the wives, I know that they shop for... whatever... pretty much whenever they feel like it, with little worry for the budget. They buy ridiculously expensive dogs from "breeders". They pay for doggy day care. The list goes on & on.

And for the first time, possibly in my life, this bothers me (see camel-back reference above). I don't know why it bothers me, I can't even tell you how it bothers me. I wouldn't classify it as jealousy (the obvious answer), or resentment, or... anything but just being irritable about the whole thing.

I have worked with these people for nine years. I like them. We are friends. Some of them I consider almost as extended family. I know their wives & children. We hang out. They are nice to me.

But when I pulled up to my co-worker's house, and saw the brand new Lexus SUV sitting there, it pissed me off. I knew he was trading in his vehicle. I kind of assumed maybe for a minivan, since they recently had another child. But a luxury SUV?

I think in a way it's a feeling of being left out. Maybe.

Because in my group, in the 50 people sitting nearest to me, I am the only one not at this financial level. Sometimes it feels like an exclusive club to which I will never belong.

I don't want to come across like I'm whining, although maybe I am. It's just... like I said it's like they all belong to this club that I just can't get into. When it comes to anything financially speaking, we just can't relate to one another. Nine years later, this is one area that we cannot connect thru.

At best, I stand there and smile during their conversations, pretending like I know what it's like to have problems like "having" to replace all the furniture in your house because you moved into your brand new custom built giant house and now nothing "goes".

At worst, I've actually manage to end conversations by saying things like how we altered travel plans because of the high gas prices. Why? Because this would never occur to them. And now they feel bad. And then I feel bad for making them feel bad. And... insert awkward silence until someone has the presence of mind to change the subject.

And I don't want it to seem like I think they don't deserve it, or anything. I am not a punish-the-rich type of gal. I'm happy for them. I'm glad that they have that type of financial freedom. I know them personally, so I know that they've worked for it. Hard. They've gone thru add'l schooling, all of them have bachelor's degrees, many of them have their masters. They put in long hours. They spend numerous nights away from their families. They have earned every dime.

I just... I just feel like an outsider whenever these things come up, and I'm tired of it, and Jason & I work hard too, and maybe I want to buy a luxury vehicle without sacrificing our mortgage payment or not have to argue about whether or not we can afford the YMCA or maybe I freakin' wanna be able to buy one stinkin' outfit without worrying that I'm busting our budget!

I'm sorry. This is such a long & rambling post. Maybe I thought about deleting it. Maybe I decided I won't because surely someone else out there can relate. Maybe I think everyone can relate at some point in time, not necessarily about the money issue, but about another way they feel like an outsider and they can't break thru and it just gets to be too much.

So that's my long rambling post about being mad at a luxury vehicle. Thanks for checking in.