Man! I (don't) Feel Like a Woman

About a week ago, as I made my way to the couch for one of my regular pumping sessions*, Jason jokingly asked if I felt sexy. I answered, seriously, by telling him that not only do I not feel sexy, I don't even feel like a woman.

And it's the truth.

* I am breastfeeding & pumping, but supplementing with formula as my supply is only enough to provide roughly half of Jillian's needed feedings.

The irony is I'm doing what might actually be the most feminine, most womanly thing possible: I carried and then birthed a child, and I'm feeding her from my breast - yet I don't feel feminine at all.

It actually started towards the end of my pregnancy, and hasn't changed yet. I feel like some androgynous lump filling some basic natural need in procreation. Like a machine or something. My gender, my sex seems irrelevant.

I think it probably originated from all of the issues I had with this pregnancy. Not only did I have much higher priorities (ie. the health of my child & myself), but I was horribly uncomfortable during pretty much the entire pregnancy. My body was not my own.

While we still had sex on a fairly regular basis, it wasn't with near the frequency as pre-pregnancy, and quite frankly I don't even remember the last time I enjoyed it. Let me be clear though, that it's thru no fault of my husband's. As previously mentioned, my body was terribly uncomfortable & sometimes painful, my belly was so large so early on that it was difficult to maneuver, and sex was just awkward for me.

I wanted to. My husband was terribly patient and understanding, and to do so was usually my idea. But again, there was no enjoyment for me, and I often felt more like some androgynous being simply filling a purpose.

And while I think it's born out of respect for me, and trying to give me and my body the space it needs to heal, plus the fact that he's been super-busy with his business, the fact is my husband now doesn't seem interested in me at all. Not even a little bit.

Why tell you about my sex life? Because I think it has a direct affect on how I currently feel about my gender identification, or lack thereof.

As did my wardrobe. I know this seems all over the place, but bear with me.

Finding plus size maternity clothes that fit my every-growing gigantic belly was hard enough. Finding clothes that looked cute became near-impossible. My belly grew thru three different sizes of maternity clothes during my pregnancy. Not only was 'cute' hard to find, but our budget couldn't handle much more of these complete wardrobe changes. Nor did I have a lot of time to search near & far for the perfect clothes.

Eventually I stopped trying for clothes that I looked good in, and settled for anything that fit my body, covered all the necessary parts, and bonus if it met my employer's dress code.

Weeks post-partum I still wear maternity clothes the majority of the time. Sometimes paired with one of Jason's shirts. I have so far found one of my pre-pregnancy t-shirts that is large enough for me to wear comfortably. One shirt.

Why tell you about my wardrobe? Because I think my difficulty finding clothes that I felt looked good on me has a direct affect on how I currently feel.

I wish I knew how to explain how I feel. Sure, plenty of times in my life I have felt unattractive, but this goes beyond that. I honestly don't even feel like a woman. Whether or not I am attractive hasn't crossed my mind in months, except for the purpose of working out how I'm feeling about these issues. Which also didn't even cross my mind until recently. It just was what it was.

And so I sit here, bathed in androgyny, waiting for something, someone to help me feel like a woman again. We can work on 'attractive' later. Right now I just want to feel like a woman.

As always thanks for checking in.

Only Time Will Tell

So after delivering Jillian via C-section, I was in the hospital for two-and-a-half days before being released. Considering I was hospitalized for five days for my vaginal delivery with Jena, I think half that time for a C-section is pretty awesome.

I had a few issues in the hospital, minor I suppose. And I have no frame of reference since it was my first C-section, so maybe they're all common.

First of all, when they removed my catheter, it was excruciatingly painful to urinate. We're talking a 10 out of 10 on the pain scale. We're talking me sobbing on the toilet. And keep in mind that at this point I'm still on pretty good pain meds. But seriously, 10 out of 10. Horrible. That took a little while to improve, and by the time I went home it was no longer painful, but was still uncomfortable to pee. But within a few more days, all was back to normal on the pee front.

Secondly, I passed a large blood clot during my first shower at the hospital. Large as in, call my husband in from the other room, and we both pulled the cords to call the nurse. I'd say roughly four inches in diameter. Large enough that they weighed it. Apparently it didn't weigh enough to be of major concern, so I was told as long as I didn't pass any others I was good to go. And I didn't, so...

Lastly, I was having horrible abdominal pain, even on the pain meds. But, you know, only when I moved. But when I moved? Easily ranged from an 8 to 10 on the pain scale. Ouch!
And not at my incision site. What was frustrating to me about this is that I was told repeatedly that if I had abdominal pain not at the incision site, I needed to let them know immediately. But when I did, I was told it was probably just from my uterus shrinking back to normal size and was nothing to worry about. So is it serious or not? Seemed to be conflicting info. Hmph.

Then on my second day home I was seen at home by a nurse. She took out my staples and did a general check up. During the check up she again mentioned that if I experienced any abdominal pain not at the incision site, I needed to let them know. So I told her I was still having horrible abdominal pain and was nearly out of my Vicodin. She assured me that it was probably 'normal', and advised me to call my doctor for a refill.

So I called the office for a refill. The nurse asked me a bunch of questions, confirmed that I was still taking the max dosage of Vicodin, talked to the doctor, then called me back to tell me that the pain I was feeling was probably normal, they'd call in another two days worth of meds, but that was it, so I needed to begin weaning off of the meds immediately. Honestly, I felt like I was treated like a drug seeker. Keep in mind my abdominal pain is not at the incision site (my incision actually never caused me trouble), and when I moved certain ways, especially lying down or getting up, my pain was easily a 10 out of 10. It was excruciating.

I attempted to wean off of the meds, but was still experiencing horrible pain, so two days later, I called and insisted on getting worked in to see the doctor. So glad I did.

I have an infection in my uterus. He could actually see the redness thru the skin. I was put on antibiotics and given a stronger pain med and orders to come back three days later.

A couple of days on the antibiotic and there was noticeable improvement. By the time I went back for my checkup, even the staff commented on how much better I looked. The doctor agreed that it seemed to be clearing up, ordered me to make sure I finished the antibiotic as prescribed, renewed my pain meds, and gave me orders to come back immediately if the pain, tenderness, or redness worsened at any point, or to come in if after I finished the antibiotic I was still experiencing any pain or tenderness at all, as by the time the antibiotic was finished the infection should be completely cleared up.

So we'll see.

Honestly, I'm not very hopeful. I've been weaning myself off the pain meds, and will run out tomorrow. Antibiotics run out in three days. Though it is much improved, I still have pain. At times up to a 3 or 4 on the pain scale. And I'm a little concerned at how bad it's gonna be after I'm off the pain meds completely. And how bad it's gonna be once I stop the antibiotics. Because I'm thinking if the infection's not completely gone by the time I stop the antibiotics, then the minute I stop them it's probably gonna flare back up again. I guess we'll just have to wait & see.

So... because of the infection, I had "babysitters" round the clock for two weeks as I was both unable to perform routine menial tasks, was in near-constant pain, and there were health concerns. Though I'm super-grateful for everything they did, I am so glad to not have a house full of people constantly. This introvert needed time alone with her family. Seriously.

So that's where we are now. Hopefully the anti-biotic will finish clearing up the infection over the next couple of days and we'll really start seeing an upswing in my recovery. Only time will tell.

As always, thanks for checking in.

Birth Story

So as I mentioned in my last post, Jillian arrived roughly two weeks ago, nearly three weeks early.

one of our first family pictures

I had gone in to see my Ob for my pre-op appointment in preparation for my scheduled C-section, but all of my labs came back borderline. Everything.

My sugar was controlled with insulin, but borderline. My blood pressure was technically high, but just by a couple of points. The protein in my urine came in just barely over what they want to see. And... I'm pretty sure they checked some other things too, but am blanking on what they were right now. The main thing is that every single thing that they checked came in as borderline problem.

So borderline, in fact, that my regular Ob didn't feel comfortable making the decision himself. He sent me home with instructions to pack my hospital bag, rest, and wait for him to call with further instructions after he consulted with other doctors in the practice. He consulted with two other doctors, then called me himself telling me they had booked the OR for me the following morning.

Unfortunately since it was unexpected, we didn't get my regular Ob, as he wasn't on the schedule for hospital rotation that day, but all of the physicians in the practice are fantastic, so no biggie really.

Jason was on shift, so took off the last 12 hours so he could come home and be home the night before. My parents met us at the hospital and stayed in the waiting room with Jena while waiting. My sister and my mother-in-law were also there.

Pre-op schtuff went as expected & planned. No worries there.

I will tell you that the spinal hurt more than I anticipated. Getting my epidural when Jena was born is one of the parts of her birth that is still blacked out of my memory, so I had no frame of reference. All I knew is that the anesthesiologist told me that after the numbing shot there shouldn't be any pain, only pressure.

Liar.

In fact, turns out where I'm feeling pain helps them know whether or not it's going in correctly. So seriously... liar. LOL.

The C-section itself was less pain than I anticipated. Everyone I had talked to - both medical personnel and other C-section mommas - had told me that I would feel so much pressure that it was painful. Not for me. No pain, and barely any pressure to speak of.

What was unexpected was how much nausea I had. The anesthesiologist told me it's from my blood pressure dropping from the spinal, and is fairly common. Yeah, I was really sick.

The most amazing, wonderful thing is that I was aware of everything and I remember everything. All of it. When they placed her on my chest. The look on my husband's face. The sound of her first cry. Overhearing the doctor's comments, the nurses' conversations. All of it. All of it is wonderful. Every second.

All of those things that I missed during Jena's birth, that I blacked out during, that the PTSD has still blocked from my memory, that I have so much guilt over not remembering, that I've always felt that I missed out on. I didn't miss them this time. I experienced all of them, and I remember it all. And that is such an amazing gift that I thank the Lord for.

***********************

As a side note about remembering the doctor's comments: he was a bit disappointed. He really believed Jillian would break his record for the largest baby he'd ever delivered, and he fully anticipated her weighing in at 12 lbs.

She "only" weighed 10 lbs 8 oz.

The placenta weighed nearly as much.

That's right folks, I literally lost 20 lbs in the span of about 20 minutes, LOL.

Quick Baby Check In

Quick baby check-in:

I continue to have contractions (not Braxton Hicks, like real-actual contractions), but no changes to my cervix, so we're still on this "okay to resume normal activity" bull crap. Even though the contractions are getting stronger. So blah.

Had an ultrasound yesterday. This little girl is already weighing in at an estimated 8 lbs 12 oz.

And we have four weeks until our scheduled C-section. Did I tell ya'll that? C-section is scheduled for May 20. If we make it that long.

We were told that her size, while large, is very proportional, which means they have no way to guess if her large size is simply genetic or is caused by the gestational diabetes. Apparently if it's caused by GD, the belly is usually disproportionately large, while Peanut's is not.

Not that it really matters to me. My biggest concern about the GD is that my sugars, while better, still aren't totally controlled. Even with major diet changes and repeatedly upping my insulin doses. Which means that she's been getting pumped full of sugar constantly for months. Which means that when the umbilical cord is clipped there's a significant chance that her blood sugar will drop significantly, leading to a stay in the NICU.

That, is my concern. I don't care how big she is, or why. I don't really even are that much about the fact that my sugar is uncontrolled. I do care about the possibility of how it will affect her health. That is why I follow my diet and stick myself with insulin twice daily. That is why "indulging" myself now means having a 2nd apple with peanut butter, as that's the sweetest thing I allow myself on a regular basis.

Anywho... kinda got off on a tangent there. Everything looked great at the ultrasound. So we'll keep hanging in there.

As always, thanks for checking in!

I'm ready

There's been a lot of talk this pregnancy about the chance of pre-term labor.

This has led to a lot of anxiety on my part. First and foremost for Peanut's health. But then there's the other stuff: the nursery's not ready, the house is a wreck, we have no diapers, blah, blah, blah.

And then,  yesterday, at exactly 34 weeks pregnant, I just kinda had this moment:

I'm ready.

Not in a practical way. Nursery still isn't done. House is still a mess.

But in a mental and emotional way. I'm ready for this baby to come.

Which is both a calming feeling, and a frustrating one. Because I'm ready. Now. And so now we've reached the point where we just wait for our youngest daughter to make her presence known.

And whenever that is, it will be okay. Because now... I'm ready.

General Update

Jena:

We've decided to give the public school a try next year. To be honest, from our experience so far and things we've heard from other parents we're not terribly optimistic, but we don't want to give up on the public school system without first at least trying.

I'm a public school kid, and had a great experience, but I also recognize that because of things like No Child Left Behind and Common Core, the schools that I went to and benefited so much from quite frankly may not exist anymore. But we want to at least try it.

The latest thing for Jena to start is Girl Scouts. It's brand new, but she is super-excited about it. So am I.

Jason:

The biggest news in Jason's world right now is that his business has taken off like gang-busters. We expected it to be busier this year than last, but it really has just exploded here in the past few weeks. I'm so proud of the work that he's done and it's so exciting to see his efforts pay off.

Me:

Well, most I'm gearing up to have a baby. But I guess you knew that. At work, they've hired a temp to fill in while I'm on maternity leave, and she started yesterday. It's a little weird to train someone for your job, when you have no intention of handing it over, you know?

Baby:

Baby is doing well. My blood sugar has seems to be much better controlled since they last upped my insulin, so that's good.

I've been having contractions off & on since last week, so that's a pain. Last night they were every 3 - 10 minutes... for seven hours. From around 7pm until the last time they woke me up at 2am. Needless to say I not only didn't sleep well, I'm also physically tired from my belly's activity.

Those are the major updates. As always, thanks for checking in!

No Restrictions

So the other day I felt crampy all day. But I had a NST scheduled for that afternoon, so I figured I'd just wait and have it checked out then.

Sure enough, contractions. I was sent to Labor & Delivery triage to determine if I were in pre-term labor.

After a shot of something to stop the contractions, they were milder, but didn't go away. So I was given a liter of fluid in the hopes that being hydrated would stop them. Nope. In fact, by the end the intensity was returning.

But I wasn't dilated at all, so I was sent home. Without restrictions.


All good news, but I have to say I think once they determine you're having honest-to-God for real contractions, you should at least get a couple of days off of work. At least.

Can I get a witness?


In other news, assuming Peanut doesn't decide to make an early entrance, we have a C-section scheduled for May 20.

Yay.

30 week update

Quick baby update:

Peanut is now nearly 6 lbs, and all measurements are between 35-36 weeks gestation, even though she is only 30 weeks. Big, but proportionately so, which is good.

My gestational diabetes has improved with medication & diet, but is still considered uncontrolled. Starting insulin injections as soon as the pharmacy fills it.

The good news is my A1C bloodwork came back good (5.3), and the maternal fetal doctor said that is a good sign that my diabetes will resolve once the pregnancy is over. Not for sure, but apparently it's a good indication that it will.

On the other hand, maternal fetal has had a special interest in my metabolic syndrome, and feels that the gestational diabetes is probably tied in with that. They've said on a couple of occasions that I will probably need treatment for the rest of my life, and will be lucky to dodge Type II Diabetes at some point down the line. Nothing we didn't know, but still a bummer to hear.

We did go ahead and start Non Stress Tests (NSTs) this week. First one went well. From here on out I'll have 2 per week, on top of at least one doctor appointment per week. Fun fun.

All of my doctors agree that a scheduled C-section is the way to go, but at the same time no one wants to commit, and definitely not schedule. That's a little frustrating for me. To have five different doctors say they think that's our best option, considering the complications with this current pregnancy and the complications I had during L&D with my first, but then have them turn around and say we'll wait until later in the pregnancy to confirm it's what's needed I find frustrating. I'm a planner. And as much as I realize that there are no guarantees, and even if we schedule it, she might try to come on her own terms, it would give me some peace of mind to have it confirmed. And if we had a date in the books it would be even better.

So despite all the complications, extra appointments, etc. things are going well. I'm horribly uncomfortable & tired all the time, but... okay. Jason's mom is throwing me a shower this weekend, so that should be fun. Jena is really looking forward to it, and is spending the night with her Mamaw the night before so she can help get things ready.

I guess that's about it for now. I'll try to post again soon. As always, thanks for checking in!

Baby Update

My appointment with MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine) went well. They were very thorough, and also took a lot of time explaining everything to me. In fact, the appointment took around two hours. I don’t think I’ve ever had a doctor appointment that long before, but I’m glad it was. There was so much to go over!

Although the appointment went well, and I’m very satisfied with everything, there were definitely some parts I wish I could just put my head in the sand over.

Words like:
                NICU
                incubator
                stillbirth

Yeah. I’m glad I’m well-informed, but I could go a lifetime with never hearing those words.

He agrees with our plan for a scheduled C-section. Honestly don’t remember if I told you guys that or not, but our regular Ob had already agreed that it was our safest options, considering the complications I had during labor & delivery with Jena. So we’re all on board there.

The biggest concern right now seems to be the baby’s size. Peanut is on track to be 11 lbs, which doesn’t surprise us at all, and we believe to be at least mostly genetic, but the doctors are concerned because of the what-ifs. Namely, what if the baby grows bigger than the placenta can support?

He said at the first sign that Peanut might be in distress because the placenta can no longer support her, we will immediately go for a C-section. As he said, we know babies cannot survive if the placenta cannot support them, but the NICU has very fine incubators.

I’m sure they do, but it’s still scary to think of.

They started me on meds for my GD (gestational diabetes). So far my numbers have come down, but not enough. I anticipate they will raise the dosage at my next appointment.

I am to begin kick counts twice a day immediately, fax my blood sugar numbers to them weekly, have an ultrasound scheduled for next week, and will begin NSTs (Non Stress Tests) no later than 32 weeks (three weeks from now). I also have at least one doctor appointment weekly, sometimes more than one.

On a less-medical-more-practical front, we still need to work on the nursery. Badly. I’ve sorted out everything that was in there, but need Jason to find some time to actually move the boxes for me, since I’m not supposed to lift. After going thru everything, eight of the boxes are headed straight to the trash. The rest we need to keep.

Once that stuff gets moved out we can clean everything really well, paint if needed, set up the crib, etc.

Unfortunately this comes at the time when Jason’s business is taking off for the season. I told him this morning we need to pick a day that is nursery work day. Nothing else (because there’s always something else). Hopefully if we do that we can knock out most (if not all) of it in one day and be done.

That's all for now. Thanks for checking in!

28 Week Baby Update

So much to catch you up on!

Well, my blood pressure has normalized on its own, so we're still watching it, but so far out of the woods.

Unfortunately my gestational diabetes (GD) is currently "uncontrolled". I am doing my best to follow the eating plan given to me, but my numbers keep going up. My morning fasting blood sugar is the worst, at double or more the target.

And just for added fun, this week I started weekly visits to the High Risk Pregnancy Clinic, and at my visit was told that I need to consult with the Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialist at the hospital where I will deliver.

Why so much attention? Well, it's a combination. First & foremost seems to be my "advanced reproductive age". They really like bringing up how old I am, LOL.
Then you add to that my giant baby. Peanut is currently on target to be 11 lbs at birth. Not bad considering my husband was nearly 12 lbs, and my dad was 10 lbs, so we're getting it on both sides. And I was informed that if I had carried Jena to term she would likely have been 10.5 lbs. But still. Big babies mean higher risks for mom, so... there's that.
And of course my uncontrolled GD on top of that. And then the hypertension, even though it's currently resolved, is yet one more reason to keep an eye on things.

So high risk clinic & specialists it is.

We are starting to enter panic mode, realizing how quickly this baby is coming. If I carry to term (which is unlikely), we have a mere 12 weeks left. The nursery isn't really even started. We still have to finish cleaning out the room, before we can begin putting it together. We just went thru all of Jena's old things that we had in storage over the weekend, and did manage to register last night. But it's all happening so fast.

Speaking of registering, my mother-in-law is throwing me a shower. I know there's all kinds of different views on second baby showers, but she wanted to do it. Honestly, I'm not expecting much of a turnout. My family doesn't "do" 2nd baby showers. So besides my mom & my sister, I'm not sure anyone else will show up. Which is fine. I understand the view, and it's okay.

But... I'm questioning the logic. Growing up obviously we never did them. The reasoning (as it was explained to me) is that the first time you shower the mom with things she'll need for baby. For the second child, she should already have what she needs, so to have another shower is akin to being greedy.

But here's the thing:
- after years in storage, some of our items from Jena just didn't survive. Pack-n-Play. Diaper bag. Baby bath. To name a few of the larger items
- there is also a bevy of smaller items that just need to be replaced, or are disposable

I'm gonna be honest, I was surprised at how much did end up on our registry. There's so much that we don't have, despite all the things we kept from when Jena was a baby (which was a lot, IMO).

So for me the logic doesn't hold. If you're gonna help the mom out the first time, why not the second time? It seems a little hypocritical to say you're okay with bringing presents for baby #1, but not for baby #2.

It's okay if you don't want to because you don't want to. But the logic for not doing 2nd showers as it was always explained to me just doesn't hold. Just my opinion.

Besides, when I was pregnant with Jena I knew I wanted a shower for any other kids we might have. Not because of the presents, but because I just can't imagine having all this celebration over one child, but not celebrating any subsequent children. How could I not celebrate Peanut's upcoming arrival? Because tradition says we don't? Sounds like a tradition that needs to go, in my opinion.

So to those invited, come. Bring a gift, don't bring a gift, I really don't care. But help me celebrate this child and everything she means to me and my family.

Well... that got a lot longer than I originally intended. I guess that's what happens when I don't get to write as often, huh?

Thanks for checking in!

Fun

So clearly I owe you a quick update.

But it’s gonna have to be very quick.

My blood pressure has been borderline my last 2 Ob visits, so I am now diagnosed with PIH (Pregnancy Induced Hypertension). So far my labs are good, so no pre-eclampsia. Yet.

And just today I got the phone call that I tested positive for GD (Gestational Diabetes). Fun.

I fully expected to get the you-weigh-too-much lecture about both. Not in a bad way, but let’s face it, I’m overweight, and that is a risk factor for both conditions.

Not a word from my doctors. They say my weight gain so far is good as well.

But… they do like to remind me of my advanced reproductive age. Apparently it is more my age that they see as an issue, as I’ve heard about it way too many times this week. Fun. I’m old.

Other than that we’re good. Pretty much.

Jena has been fighting a stomach bug. Not fun. But other than that is awesome as ever.

Jason has been doing a lot of work to get his business ready for Spring.

I’m just plugging along, realizing that this baby is coming way too fast and I am soooooo not ready, LOL.

That’s a quick update to tide you over.

As always, thanks for checking in!

Not Exactly Comforting

One early morning last week Chief woke me up at 3:15am needing to go out.

I rolled out of bed and reached for the light switch. As I did so, I felt a sharp pain in my lower abdomen. Then water running down my leg.

I froze.

Did my water just break? Maybe it was just pee. But I didn't feel like I needed to pee. It didn't feel like I  peed. It just came out. And the pain…

Crap.

All I could think was “I’m only 20 weeks. This cannot be good”

I let the dogs out. Let them back in. Went to the bathroom to see if I could tell anything. No clue.

After checking with Dr. Google I determined that at the very least I needed to call my doctor. But right about then Jena started calling for me.

It’s now roughly 4am. She had wet her bed. I got her changed into clean PJs and tucked into our bed. Then I went into the living room and called the after hours line for our OB practice.

The doctor who was on call confirmed that yes, I needed to get checked out. But she advised that I didn’t need to rush because if my water did break there’s really nothing they can do anyway (minimum age for survival outside of the womb is currently 24 weeks).

Not exactly comforting.

So I went back to bed and contemplated whether or not I needed to wake Jason up. Then he rolled over and looked at me. He was up. I told him what was going on, and started crying.

We decided to go, but we would take the time to get us & everything ready, call his mom to watch Jena, wake Jena up, etc.

And so we did. His mom never did answer the phone, so she got a surprise visit around 5:15am.

We arrived at the Emergency Room and they took us up to Labor & Delivery triage.

The first thing they did was find Peanut’s heartbeat. Even though I had felt her move on the ride to the hospital, it sure was a relief to actually hear that strong beating sound.

The hospital doctor was in the process of delivering another baby, so we had to wait just a bit for him to come in. Then they proceeded to do a “fern test” to see if they could detect any amniotic fluid in the birth canal.

Negative.

Whew.

So they called and spoke to my doctor, who recommended that I call the office right when it opens and come in for an ultrasound to check fluid levels, just to be safe.

And so we went home. Slept for about 2 hours. Called the doctor and made an appointment for that afternoon.

Ultrasound was good. Fluid levels were good, all measurements were good, yay.

So… basically… I probably peed my pants.

They don’t know why it happened the way it did, why I had a pain in my abdomen just before, etc. but I don’t really care.

I’ve never been so happy to lose control of my bladder, LOL.

Needless to say our day started out worrisome and emotional, but we ended on a good note. And that’s really all I could ask for.

As always, thanks for checking in!

Update on Peanut

As you can tell by my last post, we had our 18 week ultrasound, and it’s a girl.

Everything checked out well, all good news.

Her length is measuring right on schedule (as in, exactly by the gestational age based on our due date), but various all other measurements were anywhere from 1 – 3 weeks ahead. There’s still lots of growing to do, so we’ll just have to wait & see.

Right now she’s measuring to be a smaller baby than Jena was, but again, we have plenty of growing time left for that to change.

One measurement I remember was big was her abdomen. The tech said it could be a sign of gestational diabetes. Honestly, I’d be shocked if I had GD. My sugar trends low anyway, I haven’t noticed any issues with my sugar this pregnancy, and in fact since I got pregnant I’ve been craving sweets less, and therefore am eating less sugar than normal. So that would surprise me. But we’ll see. I’m expecting my obstetrician to order my screening any day now.

Jena is absolutely thrilled that she’s getting a little sister, and is already proving to be a great big sister. She wants everything to be perfect and “special” for the new baby. I can’t wait to see how she really interacts once Peanut gets here.

So that’s our brief update. As always, thanks for checking in!

It's a...

GIRL !!!

Quick Update

I actually found a few minutes with access to Blogger to write! Yay! LOL.

I am nearly 16 weeks along in my pregnancy. Things are going well. We have our big ultrasound to find out the gender after Christmas.

I will say that this pregnancy is much rougher than my first. I know, I know. Every pregnancy is different. Plus I'm 5 years older than I was then. It happens. We are still incredibly blessed, and I know that it's not really that bad.

The biggest issue is the fatigue. It hasn't let up at all. It tends to come on schedule, between 10-11am, 2-3pm, and 7-8pm. Jason jokes that the baby's already on a nap schedule. Ha!

I also have ridiculous (in my opinion) shortness of breath. Especially walking up stairs. Ugh. Ridiculous.

The past week or so I started experiencing a pain in my groin area. Hopefully not TMI. It's not the infamous "lightening crotch" (google it, it's a thing), but more of a bruised feeling. I've noticed it gets worse the more I walk, so you know, that's fun.

And the latest uncomfortable-but-at-the-same-time-glorious thing is that I feel the baby. I don't really feel Peanut move just yet, but when the baby gets into certain positions I definitely feel it. The first time it scared me that something was going wrong, but I guess that's what happens when you have five years between pregnancies: you forget what all those twinges & feelings are supposed to be like.

Peanut definitely likes to push on my bladder, and seems to favor a really low spot. As in, so low it's uncomfortable to walk or to sit up straight. Seriously. Only sixteen weeks! I can tell third trimester's gonna be tons of fun, LOL!

Well, I really need to run. Glad I was able to get on here for a minute. As always, thanks for checking in!

10 weeks

Sorry I've been a little MIA. Jason & I went out of town for our anniversary, and work has been crazy since I got back, as we were in the midst of an office move.

I just wanted to check in and give you a little pregnancy update.

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Seems like the question I get asked most is "how are you feeling?"

Well, now that my ankle is (almost) healed, and now that the bad cold I had is (almost) gone, I feel pretty good.

Oh sure, I could complain about how my stomach seems to think the only two possibilities are either extreme hunger or serious nausea, or about how I'm so fatigued I go to bed early at night & could easily nap during the day (if life would let me), how the extra blood beginning to course thru my veins leaves me short of breath at the smallest exertion, how round ligament pain sometimes stops me in my tracks, how pelvic rest leaving my husband and I very frustrated, or how within the past week my blood sugar has started dropping suddenly.

But the truth is, that even with all that, I feel great. Wonderful. Happy. I love being pregnant.

I have prayed for this child. I have waited for this child. I knew this child was meant for our family.

I am thrilled. Excited.

How am I feeling? Blessed. I am feeling very, very blessed.

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The other thing that seems to be drawing attention is my belly. That's right folks, I "popped" at about 9 weeks.

Now, I realize that it's bloat. I know the baby is a teeny tiny peanut and cannot possibly be making my belly that big yet.

But I also know that with my first pregnancy my bloat turned straight into bump. I got big early, stayed big, then got bigger.

I also have only gained 5 lbs, which would also be consistent with bloat (each month pre-pregnancy I gained between 5-7 lbs of water weight during my period). How a measly five pounds can turn into my giant belly, I have no idea. But it does. See proof below.

And yes, other than a few pieces of my larger-size clothing that also have a lot of give, I'm wearing maternity clothes now.

But I'm actually pretty pleased with my weight gain. You see, if you remember, the last time I went off my endocrine meds I blew up like a balloon. I don't recall exactly, and it may or may not be in my blog somewhere, but I want to say it was something like 25 lbs in three months. And since I had to stop the meds cold turkey the day I got a positive test, I honestly was fully expecting to put in 10 lbs or so in the first couple of weeks.

But... nope. Stopped meds cold turkey + 10 weeks pregnant = 5 lbs weight gain. So I'm pretty happy with that. I also have a theory that my endocrine system loves being pregnant as much as I do and might actually be performing as it should. And I'm a little hopeful that maybe somehow this will set things right for me in the end. Wouldn't that be awesome?

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So that's my 10 week update. I'll try to get on here a little more often, but things have been pretty crazy, so no promises.

As always, thanks for checking in!

Random Updates

I've had a bit of writers' block lately, in case you couldn't tell.

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From spraining my ankle, immediately followed by getting a bad cold, I haven't had a chance to enjoy this pregnancy yet.

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I've had "morning sickness" this time around. Never had it with Jena, so that's different. It usually doesn't hit in the morning though. Typically I feel mildly nauseous 30-60 min after I eat, and I feel really sick around 2-3pm every afternoon. Fun times.

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Work is okay. Nothing spectacular to report.

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Jena is doing well in Kindergarten. She loves it and we get good reports on a regular basis. They just finished  formal assessments, and we're eager to see how she did, as it may have an affect on her education plan for next year.

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I've seen two good friends from college and five good friends from high school in the past two weeks. Several I hadn't seen in over 10  years. It was good to see both of them and catch up, even just a bit.

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Jena called it "our baby" the other day. Our. As in hers too. I'm taking that as a good sign.

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Jason has been really good at not hassling me over by-passed housework or my lack of attentiveness to him. In fact, he's even the one who said I haven't "had a chance to feel good yet". Supportive husband? Yes please.

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I guess that's it for now. As always, thanks for checking in.

We Have a Peanut!

Last Friday we had our ultrasound.

Baby is in a good position, appears healthy, and has a strong heartbeat. We have a peanut!

Needless to say, there were tears of relief the second I saw the flutter on the screen.

But that wouldn't be complete if everything didn't get hushed a few minutes later.

We noticed the ultrasound tech measuring another section of the screen, away from the baby. But she wasn't saying anything. So we finally asked.

It appears to be an area of bleeding in the uterus. She needs to print out some pictures and go consult with one of the doctors.

She leaves the room. Comes back a few minutes later.

Subchorionic Hemorrhage. Fun. Doctor says I'm on pelvic rest (no sex, no running [impact], no lifting more than 5 lbs) for 4 weeks, at which point I need to come back for another ultrasound to make sure it resolves on its own. If I experience any spotting / bleeding at all, I'm to call the office.

I haven't had any spotting / bleeding, which is a good thing. Rate of miscarriage goes down significantly the longer you go without any spotting. So far, so good.

I am measuring at right about 8 weeks along, due the last week of May.

Signs of pregnancy are right on track: hunger has gotten some better, nausea has gotten some worse, cravings haven't been quite as bad lately. Shortness of breath & peeing constantly are right on schedule.

I've only gained 3 lbs, which considering being pregnant and going off my meds cold turkey I think is pretty good. But as much as my belly has grown you'd think I'd gained 15 lbs. Seriously!

I showed really early with Jena as well, being in a bella band by 8 weeks, and maternity clothes by 12. I realize it's gotta be bloat, but with Jena bloat turned straight into bump. I got big early, and stayed big! This time around I've decided to skip the bella band. I don't see any reason to struggle to fit into regular clothes and be uncomfortable any longer than I have to. So Jason's already dug my maternity clothes up out of storage, and as soon as we announce to the world (probably later this week), I'm going for comfort! Just in time too, as only a few pair of my regular pants still fit comfortably.

So that's the latest update. As always, thanks for checking in!

Things are Going Well

So, pregnancy signs are in full swing.

My stomach rotates between being ravenously hungry and being mildly nauseous. The nausea has been worse the past few days, especially in the late morning.

Cravings are also in full swing. I never really had those when I was pregnant with Jena, so this is new territory for me. They are so random and strong it's crazy! Now I know what ya'll were talking about! They've ranged from hanky panks, to mashed potatoes, to bacon & onion pizza, to my dad's chili. No rhyme or reason and they seem to hit out of nowhere.

I am also prone to feeling freezing cold for no real reason at all, and at the drop of a hat.

I've been more tired lately, but so far not as bad as I remember the exhaustion being with Jena. So that's a good thing.

I also have to pee a ridiculous amount. I get up 4-5 times during the night to pee, and seems like at work I'm getting up at least once an hour. I do remember this when I was pregnant with Jena as well, because it was what made me decide to tell my boss-at-the-time about my pregnancy even though I was only 8 weeks along. I was worried he'd notice how much I was getting up from my desk and want an explanation so I told him before it came up. Ends up he hadn't even noticed.

I haven't weighed myself since getting that positive, but despite feeling bloated most days, my clothes are still fitting fine, maybe even a little loose.

All in all things are going well. Until we get our ultrasound to confirm things are okay, I'm taking all of these things as positives. They are all signs that my body is adjusting to the tiny life growing inside of me.

Please continue to pray for us! Thanks!

Update

So, since my numbers were good and I'm not having any issues, my Ob's office is treating this like a normal pregnancy.

As in, my first appointment will be a nurse's appointment, and won't be for another week.

I guess it's good that they think it's "normal", but I'm a little anxious. Even if they just did another blood draw in between to make sure my Hcg kept rising, it would make me feel better, you know?

We've decided to wait until after our ultrasound to announce, so that probably won't be for another 2+ weeks.

Another thing that frustrates me is that even though I've told them repeatedly that I don't know how far along I am and I could be anywhere from 6 - 10 weeks, due to how screwed up my cycles have been since my first miscarriage, the reason the initial appointment is so far out is because they are assuming I am just now 5 weeks, and they schedule first appointments around 6 weeks.

When I asked why I needed a nurse appointment, and what will be done, they told me they'll "confirm everything" and determine my due date.

Well, that's stupid. I've already had Hcg results that "confirmed everything", and there are about 63 different online due date calenders that can tell you my due date is probably around the May-ish time frame, but that since we don't actually know what cycle I conceived on, only an early ultrasound will help us know for sure.

I don't think the receptionist liked when I pointed this out to her. I basically got the response that it's how they do things, so tough.

I understand the need for having standard procedures, but I honestly don't understand this one. You have a patient who's had 2 early miscarriages in the past 6 months, already had confirmed Hcg results are good this time around, and has explained to you why it's virtually impossible to know how far along she is, but they are treating this patient the same as someone who has had no problems, didn't have the blood draws done, and has regular cycles. Just doesn't make sense to treat the two the same. At least not to me.

Oh well. It is what it is.

As far as how I'm doing, no real changes yet. Other than that I pretty much alternate between being sooooooooooooooo hungry, and being mildly nauseous. I can go from stomach-growling, must have food now hungry, to feeling sick in the blink of an eye.

The hunger's been tough. Because in my head I know it's early to be needing extra calories, and I know it's just due to hormonal changes, but... seriously. So hungry. Wakes-me-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night hungry. I'm trying to be good, because I know it's not "real", but when you're body is telling you that you're starving it's hard to just sit there and let your stomach growl.