Nine Loves

1. God

2. Jason

3. Jena

4. My family

5. My critters

6. Peace & quiet

7. Marching bands

8. Sleep

9. Scuba

Saw the pulmonologist

Was finally able to see the pulmonologist for my cough.

He's thinking asthma or allergies, but leaning toward asthma.

Was shocked that in thirty-... ahem, so many years no one had ever ordered a breathing test or allergy test.

Nope.

Never had either. Not even as a child.

He did a baseline breathing test in the office, to:
    a) make sure I was breathing okay enough to proceed with more testing, and
    b) get a baseline for more testing

I tested at the 110th percentile.

I think playing a wind instrument for 20 years, and then taking up scuba diving probably does that to ya    :)

Next step is a chest x-ray  for the asthma, and to check for any permanent damage done by not being treated for so many years. He said the fact that my breathing test was so good is a good sign, but doesn't necessarily mean there isn't damage to my lung tissue from three decades of this being untreated.

At the same time we'll be drawing blood for allergy testing.

He seems very thorough, explained everything well, and had a great bedside manner. Plus, ends up he knows my endocrinologist from med school and they're buddies! (he saw in my record).

I asked him about Jena having the same thing, and he said since they don't see children there, once we had a diagnosis, I should talk to her pediatrician about getting her tested for the same thing. Unfortunately, to the best of his knowledge, the only pediatric pulmonologists in the area are at the children's hospital. Don't get me wrong, it's a great hospital, it's just... a hospital, you know? And about 40 minutes away.

Oh well. If I can save her 30 years of suffering like I've experienced, we'll do it all.

I'll keep you posted.

Thanks for checking in.

Is Anyone's Life NOT a Stumble-Upon ??

Last month Kelle Hampton wrote a great post about how we stumble upon awesome things in life. That really got me thinking.

First, about how my life is such a stumble-upon. Like... just about everything, it seems. A million little accidental findings that have turned out to be the best scenario for me. Ever.

And then I got to thinking... is anyone's life not a stumble-upon? Does anyone out there actually live according to their plans? Does anyone not just stumble thru life, coming upon the things we do and things we have mostly by... accident... fate... God?

Of course, we do have a choice... free will... We choose whether or not to turn down that inviting street, go into that unique shop, "wink" back at that cute guy.

We stumble upon things that are different than where we are, what we are doing, and we decide if we want to take the risk in exploring the stumble-upon that is tugging at us, or go back to road we were travelling safely a few moments before.

We stumble upon these things that we weren't looking for, but almost seem as though they were looking for us. And when we feel that pull, that tug towards the stumble-upon... well, it's hard to resist that tug towards the unknown. The previously unknown.

It appears I do a lot of stumbling.

Like how I met my husband.

And how he stumbled upon our house while helping his parents look for one of their own.

And how I got Tucker because, well, it seemed like a good day to get a cat. The tug was strong that day, practically driving me to the shelter.

And Jena? Most definitely a blessed stumble-upon.

Diving with the manatees? Stumbled upon.

My major in college? Stumbled upon.

Joining the college band? Stumbled upon.

So many things. So many things not planned. Not planned in my wildest dreams. But stumbled upon when I wasn't looking for them. There they were, tugging at my heart, begging me to turn down the next street, veer off the road I was on, change my course...

My life is one big stumble-upon. And I couldn't be happier about it.

Hunny, I am not "just" anything (edited)

originally posted in July 2009

The word, "just", can be such an awful, degrading word. By injecting that simple, little word in to the sentence, you decrease the value of what or whom you are talking about.

The truth of the matter is that none of us are "just" anything.

In the workplace, those of us that are in support positions, usually lower on the totem pole, are generally taking care of the things that make it possible for those higher on the totem pole to do their work effectively.

That's right. "Just" admins keep your office operating smoothly.

In a family setting, being "just" a mom means that you are holding what is quite possibly the greatest responsibility in the world. Literally. You are raising the next generation of people that will eventually take over this world. You are raising a human being. Think about it... What an enormous task!

Being "just" a wife means that you have committed your life to another person, for life. That, in and of itself, is worthy of applause. Add to that the fact that you are your husband's primary support on his journey thru life, and being "just" a wife takes on a lot more consequence.

Being "just" a girl means... what? That people like you make up over half of the world's population? That you are a person with endless possibilities for the future? Being a girl is awesome.

And yes, so is being a boy.

Being "just" a child means that you have your entire life ahead of you, and the time to make it whatever you want it to be. The possibilities are endless. No child should ever feel like he is "just a kid".

By the way, we all have our lives ahead of us, to make it into whatever we want it to be.

Besides all that, we all hold many titles. Let's see. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a niece, a granddaughter, a cousin, a friend, an employee, a coworker, a volunteer, a blogger, a scuba-diver, a coupon-clipper, a pet owner, a trumpet player, etc, etc, etc. The list could go on & on & on. As it could for each of us. You see, I am not "just" anything. I am everything.

And so are you.

"No, that is not a manatee. That is me in a wetsuit."

And no, you don't get pictures    =P

So, here's my confession. My so-embarrassing-I-cried-when-I-finally-admitted-it-to-FireMan-last-year confession.

He kept bugging me about doing the manatee tank. It had been too long since I had done it, I enjoyed doing it, it was something we could do together, etc.

So what was the problem?

I had gained so much weight that I no longer fit into my wetsuit.

The wetsuit I bought after FireGirl was born.

And wetsuits, for those of you who don't know, tend to be very stretchy, very... forgiving.

As I start to tell the story, I realize I never told you any of the story...
In 2010, for FireMan's birthday, I surprised him with a trip to Florida to dive in the hot springs and snorkel with the manatees. Like, I tucked away cash here & there for a year-and-a-half (small amounts so he wouldn't notice, any cash I received for my birthday or Christmas, etc), spent about two months planning it, called his boss to schedule his vacation, and surprised him with a certificate that said "We leave tomorrow".

Yes, you do wish I were your wife. Because I am that awesome.

And to answer the question before it's asked: yes, that was before our marital problems surfaced. Or at least before I saw them.

{{ mental note - seems like there's a whole 'nother post in there I could write on later}}
Okay. Are we all caught up now? Good.

So on that trip, as we were preparing for our first snorkel with the manatees, and I put on my wetsuit, I thought it felt a little snug, but, well, wetsuits are always a little snug. And mine zips up the back, which I should be able to do myself, considering the long zipper pull, but it was morning, and I'm not a morning person, and things just weren't working, so Hunny, will you please help zip me up?

It took about a half a nanosecond for both of us to realize the problem.

I sucked in. He pushed on me, and squeezed on the wetsuit, and pulled on the zipper.

Until the zipper broke.

It still zips (thank the Lord!), but pull tab? Broken. Won't even hold the string of the zipper pull anymore.

And this happened in front of other people.

I was humiliated. Embarassed. Mortified.

Self-esteem plummeted instantly.

I did manage to enjoy the snorkel, and the rest of the snorkels & dives on the trip. And FireMan mastered the art of sausaging me into my wetsuit.

Devestating.

That trip, in early 2010, was the last time I put on my wetsuit until last Friday.

I had managed, barely, to get thru that trip. But I also gained more weight after that trip. I never tried it, but in my head there was no way it would fit. And wetsuits are not cheap, so I didn't want to buy a new one, when that one was only a couple of years old and barely worn. And we have to be at the zoo so early, that if I rented one I'd have to pay two days of rental fees for a mere two hours of diving.

But mostly... I was embarrassed. Horrifyingly embarrassed. The thought of putting on a wetsuit, or trying to put on a wetsuit, in front of other people seemed like about the most awful idea in the world. I was ashamed of myself, embarrassed of my body, and just the thought of it made me feel about yay big.

Just the thought of it made me feel so bad, that one day last year, when FireMan was asking me yet again when I was going to go back, I finally broke down in tears, confessed why I hadn't signed up, and begged him to stop asking so I could stop thinking about it.

To his credit, he did not ask me any more after that. Even when he went by himself a couple of times.

Still nervous, I knew I had lost weight, so when the manatee keeper contacted me and said it had been too long since I had been there and I needed to either sign up, or quit... I signed up.

Yes, in saying that I'm also saying that if he'd given me that choice last year, I probably would have turned in my volunteer badge. I was that mortified.

So that, dear readers, is my confession. Something that up until now only I and FireMan knew. But now you.

Diving with the Manatees

You may remember from a previous post or two that FireMan & I are volunteer divers at the zoo. We clean the manatee tank.

Well, it had been quite a while since I had been (post about that to follow), and last Friday was my first time back in the tank in what seemed like forever.

It was good. Very good.

As a scuba diver, it was good just to get back in the water. Living in the Midwest, unless you travel pretty far, your only options are pretty much cold water dives. Which were fine... until my first ocean dive. Ha! That warm water ruined me for those cold quarry dives.

And then it's good to see the manatees. Being an endangered species, any manatees in captivity are part of a rehabilitation program, with the hopes of eventual release. It's just so good to be a small part of that effort.

And it was good to get news.

The zoo's previous manatees, Slip & Li'l Joe, were sent to Florida at the end of 2009 to finish their rehab and be released. We found out that Slip is doing very well, while Li'l Joe has had some difficulty adjusting to life in the wild. He's not really catching on, and has had to be pulled back in and re-released three times now. This last time he happened to be released near where Slip was, and they met up and have been hanging out for some time now. Everyone is hopeful that being near his old friend, and following  Slip's lead, will help Li'l Joe get things figured out so he can permanently stay in the wild. Hopefully.

So now the zoo has three new manatees: Betsy, Illusion, and... ??  I feel horrible that I don't remember the third one's name. For now I will call him "Baby M".

Betsy was born in captivity while her momma was in a rehab program. She is now 20 years old, and has never lived anywhere but in captivity. That used to be a sentence for either death when released, or simply a lifetime in captivity. Now that FWS (Fish & Wildlife Services) uses GPS tracking, they are able to release them, and monitor their progress, pulling them back in when needed. Success rate for manatees raised in captivity is still only about 50%.

See, ends up this feeding / migrating / what-to-do thing, for manatees at least, isn't as much instinctual as it is learned. So if babies aren't in the wild with their mommas when they are very young, then... they don't learn it. It's up to us humans to try to teach (or "rehabilitate") them.

Illusion was my personal favorite. Probably because she also seemed to take a liking to me. We're not supposed to touch the manatees, except to push them away if need be. But they can touch us all they want. She was all over me! The whole two hours! Kept swimming by me, nibbling on my fins, I swear she was performing for me at one point (it was so cute), knocked me into the window once, and towards the end I even got three manatee kisses (they come right up to you with their noses and "kiss" you - very lightly touching / pushing on your face / goggles).

Her story makes me sad. She was pulled out of the wild because of a severe injury from a boat propellor. It cut through the muscles leading to her tail, which is how manatees propel themselves. The muscles are permanently damaged, but luckily over time the surrounding muscles have picked up the slack and she is now able to get around the water just fine! The head manatee keeper expects her to be the next to be released, possibly later this year. Although they & the zoo veterinarian just make recommendations, and it's up to FWS to make the final call. We'll see! It would be awesome to have her back in her natural habitat.

And then there's Baby M. So little. Baby M was pulled from the water during the winter months due to signs of severe cold stress. He was very thin, and had ulcers that covered most of his body. Florida has been hit with several cold winters in a row, and this has had a devestating effect on the manatee population. He is now doing well. At two years old his skin is as smooth as can be, oddly void of the scars from boat propellors that most manatees have. He is eating well, and gaining weight like a champ, but still needs to gain a couple of hundred pounds before he meets the minimum qualifications for release. Luckily he did start out in the wild with his momma, so his chances of a successful release are pretty good.

As you might be able to tell, thru our volunteer efforts FireMan & I have become... attached... to manatees. They have become an animal favorite for each of us, and we've started teaching FireGirl about them as well.

Such noble, gentle, curious animals - endangered (as so many are) simply because of man's carelessness.

There are various ways to support the manatees, even from the comfort of your own home.

Organizations that promote manatee protection:
http://www.savethemanatee.org/
http://www.savethemanatee.org/sirenian.htm

Zoos & Other Organizations that rehabilitation manatees:

http://cincinnatizoo.org/
http://www.columbuszoo.org/
http://www.lowryparkzoo.com/
http://miamiseaquarium.com/
http://www.seaworld.com/
http://disneyworld.disney.go.com/

*note* these are not complete lists

TBP #3 - a hobby of mine

Well, I have to say that there's not been a whole lot of time for hobbies since FireGirl came along, but... scuba diving would have to be my current top hobby.

I got my Open Water certification in 2007, and my Advanced Open Water certification in 2009. Still haven't decided if I want to proceed with any further certifications. Right now AOW allows me to do pretty much everything I currently want to under the water.

Here are some trips from our last ocean dive - Bahamas 2009.

my dive buddy

there was no "zoom" used for any of these shark pictures

Here Fishy, Fishy, Fishy, Fishy!

Goals for the New Year (and beyond)

Around November I started coming up with a list of things I wanted to accomplish, or improve upon, for myself.

Since it was already November, I thought I might as well wait until January - New Year, New Start, right?

And then 2011 started off pretty craptastically for me (yeah, I know you don't know the details, I've kept the vast majority of it private), so I just didn't care any more.

But that list is still there, in the back of my mind. Things I want to accomplish, see happen, improve upon.

Some have details & timelines, others are pretty vague. But then again, I've learned life is like that anyway, right? Somethings are detailed with clear timeframes, other things are pretty vague.

Here's the list (so far), in no particular order:

post pics to my blog on a more regular basis
learn to use a drill (correctly & effectively)

dive more

fit into my wedding dress by our 5th wedding anniversary (inspired by Jene)

dive with sharks (again)

take Jena to swim with the manatees

begin composting

There will be more, of that I am certain. I'll try to remember to keep you posted on my progress for each.

As always, thanks for checking in!

Life without Mirrors

or photographs. or video. or any way to see ourselves at all.

What would this life be like?

I vote: better. happier.

The week we were on our cruise, the only mirrors available were head high - meaning all you could see was essentially your portrait. No way to check on how your body looked in a certain outfit, nothing.

And I was happy. And I felt good about myself. And I was confident. And I felt attractive. I daresay on occasion I even felt sexy.

And then we came home. And I was still feeling pretty good. Until I saw the pictures of me from our trip. And was reminded of how much weight I have to lose. And was disgusted with how fat I looked.

I know. This post says more about me and my personal struggles than anything. But I have to wonder. How much better would life be without any way to judge how you looked?

Do you ever wonder if you need professional help? Seriously. Sometimes I think this is a bigger issue for me than it should be.
I mean, on our trip, I felt really good about myself. I knew full well that by conventional standards I wasn't as attractive as the other women on the cruise, but I didn't care. I achieved a lot last week. Had a lot of firsts. Spent some great quality time with my hubby. I was confident. I was fun. I sought out adventure. I liked who I was.
Now? Back home, remembering how fat & gross I am? I have no confidence. I pretty much think I stink at everything. I wonder what people think when they see me. I'm not motivated to do much. And I dare say all this makes me less fun & less attractive.
Maybe I do need help.

Ugh.

We're Back !!

Sorry I've been MIA. Last week FireMan & I took a weeklong dive cruise thru the Bahamas. It was awesome! Lots of fishies!

Will plan to get back to my regularly scheduled posting in no time.

But while I'm here... I big CONGRATULATIONS to Candace on the birth of her son! Congrats!

Went Diving this past weekend

Had a great weekend.

Still trying to overcome my fear of sinking. Makes the initial descent a little difficult. Had some trouble equalizing on the initial descent on our last dive Saturday and my only dive Sunday. Not good, but as long as I can take my time and go down at my own pace (which FireMan is really good at letting me do), then I can usually get my ears on board and continue on with a good dive.

My buoyancy is getting better & better, so that's good. In fact, despite the issues on the initial descent on Saturday, I'm declaring that my best dive yet. It was definitely the closest I had gotten to the bottom, without ending up touching anything!

One thing I have to work on is that my legs tend to hang below me, so I'm in a semi-vertical position, trying to move thru the water. Creates a TON of drag, and ends up with me kicking more than I need to. Not sure how to fix it. Might have to consult my instructor-friend.

I may just be ready for the Bahamas yet!

Scuba Diving at Portage Quarry

This past weekend (Saturday & Sunday) FireMan & I went scuba diving at Portage Quarry in northern Ohio. Quite frankly, it is the nicest quarry I have ever been diving in.
The water was warm (as quarries go), great visibility, lots of things to see (including a Hansa jet), lots of fish (a must, for me), a well-maintained facility, price was reasonable, every staff member we came in contact with was very friendly, and the owner (Jeff) even came and talked with us a while.
It was just a wonderful experience.

We managed to get seven dives in in the course of two days. I am sore & tired, but had a great time. Had my best dive to date in the matter of buoyancy (I'm working on it!), and got some good time in the water.
We'll definitely be going back, probably next month. Message me if you're interested in joining!