She Rises While it is Yet Night

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Not being a morning person, it doesn't sound very appealing to me. I'd much rather stay up late at night to get things done, then get up early in the morning.

But then again, this is biblical (Proverbs 31:15). And so, I've been giving this a try. I can't say I've been totally successful at it, but I have managed to get up before the girls most days.

And you know what? It's kinda nice. Unless one of them gets up especially early, I usually get to have my breakfast in peace, walk the dogs, throw in a load of laundry, and mentally prepare for school that day before either of them gets up. Dare I say it? Being intentional about waking up early is actually kinda nice.

Not being a morning person, I tend to be a little grumpy when I first wake up. Both of my daughters have also inherited this trait. But you know what makes it a little easier? If I manage to get up early, take care of a few things around the house, have my breakfast, and just settle myself, center myself, well, it really helps me to be calm and handle their grumpiness a little bit better.

It's also really nice to get a start on that day's to-do list. Getting even just one or two chores knocked out before my kids even wake up just mentally eases the burden for the rest of the day.

Now, realistically I don't think I'll ever truly be a morning person. But I can see where there are benefits to the idea of getting a really early start to the day.

What about you? Do you wake up early? Sleep in? What have you found that works for you?

As always, thanks for checking in!

Tools (or on my OCD tendencies)

** this was originally posted in 2012, but I thought it was good enough to share again. Enjoy! **

First of all, let me be clear that I have never been diagnosed with OCD, nor am I really sure that the tendencies that I have would even be classified as OCD, but that's what I call them, and that's what I've been told by others, so until I get another explanation, there ya go.

I've always enjoyed a good list. To do lists are my forte. At work, I'm known for "the list". At home, I have a chore list, a grocery list, a meal planning calendar, a daycare planning calendar, expense tracking worksheets, and even gift giving lists. All tracked on Excel.

Oh, how I love Microsoft Excel.

They all started innocently enough. Other than the To Do List (which I've used since I was way younger than anyone should use To Do Lists), they all came about after Jena was born, as tools to help me manage what seemed like an overwhelming amount of responsibility.

I love a list. I believe lists can be invaluable tools.

And I've been thinking a lot about tools lately.

You see, a few months ago, on a Friday, I had brought my chore list to work for some reason. When I left that evening, I accidentally left it on my desk. I remembered just as I pulled in the driveway.

And nearly had an anxiety attack.

I mean, how would I know what chores to do if I don't have my list?!? How will I know what needs to be done?!?

My list, it's organized by regular chores & special one-time chores. It's a matrix in order by date-last-completed, so I know exactly how long it's been since I've done what. I check them off as I go. It tells me what to do next.

And here I was, on a weekend where Jason wasn't gonna be home, and I would have all kinds of time to get housework done, and I didn't have my list.

I can't explain to you the kind of panic that set in. I can also tell you that I knew exactly how crazy that sounded. But it didn't change anything. I was completely hobbled without that list. I think I did manage to put one load of laundry in that Friday night, and Saturday morning I took Jena and drove to my office to get the List.

And yes, I knew exactly how crazy that was. But it didn't change the fact that I needed that list.

And I've been thinking about tools ever since.

Okay, not like constantly ever since, but... you get the idea.

And then, a few weeks ago... I did a load of laundry, and didn't check it off on the list. And unlike my usual remember-within-a few-minutes-and-run-to-the-kitchen-to-mark-it-off, I didn't even remember until the next morning.

I can't tell you how big that moment was, when I realized that I wasn't having anxiety over not recording the fact that I did a load of laundry.

Yes, I know exactly how crazy that sounds.

I never did check that load of laundry off.

I did check off the next load. And the next. And various other chores.

But it was different. I felt different.

I felt... like I was on the edge of something big. I was either going to have a breakthrough, or a breakdown. And in those moments, it felt like it could go either way.

Next thing I know, we needed groceries. But I didn't have time to get my grocery list together. You know, put it together in Excel, in order by aisle, look thru my paper coupons & mark the list accordingly, look for online coupons & mark the list accordingly, check the flier for discounts & mark the list accordingly... it takes time, and I hadn't had time to do it yet. But we needed food.

So I went grocery shopping.

Without a grocery list.

Without one single coupon.

Without knowing what was on sale.

There was something liberating about that trip to Kroger.

Like, really, actually freeing.

I felt free.

I was lucky enough to be by myself, and I dawdled in each aisle, perusing items & prices for what my family would want versus what was reasonably priced. It was probably the least draining shopping trip I've ever had. I dare say I felt energized leaving that store.

And I haven't marked a single chore off my chore list ever since.

Now, granted, there are times when I worry that I've missed a chore, when our house is a mess and I think "maybe I really did need that list".

And then I remember that our house was a mess before, and maybe it's a teeny tiny bit messier than before, but... if so, not by enough to really notice.

I can see when the hamper is full and laundry needs to be done. Or the sink is full and dishes need to be done. Or the garbage is full & needs to be taken out.

Mental note: clean the bathroom.

Why? because it needs it

It's not that I didn't see these things before, it's that I was handicapped by the very tools I created to help me. Or rather I was handicapped by my dependence on these lists.

Example? Sure.

Let's say the living room floor is dirty.

my reaction then: "yuck. The floor is dirty. I need to do laundry so we have clothes to wear, and then if I have time, I can probably do one or two more chores. But I can't sweep the floor until I straighten the living room and pick up toys & things. I'll have to see if anything is higher on the list than "straighten the living room" and "sweep floors"."

my reaction now: "yuck. The floor is dirty. I need to do laundry first so we have clothes to wear, but then I should have time to do one or two more chores. Maybe tonight I'll pick up the living room & sweep the floor."

See the difference? Of course you do.

Tools.

I'm thankful for my lists. I think when I started using them, when I was truly overwhelmed, when I was fighting PPD, when I was struggling with so many issues, I needed them. I needed tools to help me handle the everyday tasks that others take for granted.

Tools are great like that. Tools are meant to be used when one is lacking in the ability to complete the task by themselves.

Think about it. I mean, if you could hammer in a nail with your bare hand... would you ever buy a hammer? Probably not. You need the tool.

But somewhere along the way, my tools became my crutch.

I am better now. I am stronger. I am healed.

I am not perfect. Far, far from it. But I am ready to stop depending on my tools, and start depending on myself.

I am free.

Right now, I am not using any of my lists or calendars for home. None of them. I may reinstate one or more of them in the future (after all, I am a little concerned I'll forget to buy laundry detergent on my next grocery trip), but for now... I'm content to toddle into the world, finding my way again, figuring out how I'm gonna do this, how am I gonna manage these tasks. I'm happy to be in a new phase of home management, redefining how I will manage my home. I will make mistakes along the way, I am sure, but I also feel quite confident that in the end I will be doing a better job than I ever was before.

As always, thanks for checking in.

Coping with a husband being gone so much

** I originally posted on this topic back in 2011 when I was working full time outside the home. This is updated to add some notes now that I have a couple of years of experience as a stay-at-home and homeschooling mom and my children are older. **


******************

As a fire wife, one of the struggles is being home alone. A lot. Feeling like a single mom. A lot.

In fact, I have a whole new respect for single moms. And for military wives / moms. Because I know how hard it is with as much as Jason is gone, and I can't imagine being on my own all the time, or until he came home on leave.

It's important that you voice your frustrations to him. Not in a I'm-pissed-at-you-way, but in a I'm-frustrated-and-I'm-struggling-way.
He needs to know what you're going thru.

This is also a good time to ask him what his frustrations are with his schedule. Like missing out on kids' milestones, not playing with them as much, not enough date nights with you, etc.

It's important that the two of you at least try to understand where both of you are coming from, because you are both in very different positions.

You're not in the normal two-income family, where both parents leave in the morning, and both parents come home every night, Monday thru Friday.

You're not the normal one-income family, where he leaves in the morning and comes home every night. Depending on shifts and second jobs he's gone 24-48 hours at a stretch, or sometimes longer.

He's spending nights away from home, having dinner, spending time, and sleeping with other people, while you take care of the kids and the house by yourself after putting in a full day of work.

He doesn't have a "weekend", as his shift includes Saturdays and Sundays. He'll work holidays too, leaving you to handle the celebrations alone. He will miss your daughter's soccer games, even though they're on Saturdays. He will miss a lot of family events thru the years.

This creates stress and frustrations for each of you, but you each have a different kind of frustration.
He has the frustration of not being there, and you have the frustration of being there alone. It's very different, so you must communicate.

The fact is that being in a situation where your spouse is gone much of the time, well... it sucks. It just does.

As far as taking care of the children, and the house:

Things became much simpler for me when I just took Jason out of the equation, when it comes to taking care of the house and the kids.

You just do it yourself. If you need a sitter for some reason, you take care of arranging it, and you do what you need to do. You do all the daycare drop-offs and pick-ups, even if he's home. You plan on doing all of the housework, even if it's his off day. You handle all of the feedings, all of the baths. You feed all the pets, clean all of the poop (pet & baby - ha!). You get everyone dressed in the mornings, get everyone ready to go. Even if he's there.

Keep him in the loop on everything, but just accept it as what you have to do so he can do what he has to do.

This has really helped me / us. It doesn't make the actual work any easier, but it eases a lot of frustration because I don't feel I'm counting on him to do something that he's just not going to do.

And then when he does volunteer to take care of something, it's like a bonus. For everyone.

And that lowers everyone's stress level.

At the same time, you need to realize & accept that you can't do everything. Prioritize what's most important. Obviously taking care of your child(ren) is a must, but other housework, chores, etc.... prioritize, and do the top things first, even if they're inconvenient or unpleasant.

Give it some time & figure out what you can reasonably do in a day, a week, etc. Then talk to your husband and see if he can pick up some of the rest. If not, or if he's not sure, factor him out of the equation.

If that's just not a possibility, then your choices are paying someone to do it (ie. housework), or it just not getting done (ie. housework), or not getting done as frequently as you'd like (ie. housework).

Guess you can tell what doesn't get done at our house, huh?  (ie. housework - ha!)

And you both have to accept that. Because it's reality.

You can't beat yourself up because after working a full day outside the home, or spending hours each day schooling your children, taking care of the kid(s) by yourself, and the putting another couple of hours of housework in before bed, you're still not "done".

You will never be "done".

He can't come home expecting a clean & tidy house, perfectly stocked cupboard, and dinner on the table after you've been working full days outside of the home, or homeschooled the children, doing all (or the vast majority) of the childcare yourself, and all (or the vast majority) of the housework yourself.

It's not physically possible. It's just not.

Oh, you might have a mountaintop moment once in a while, but it's unreasonable for either of you to expect things to be maintained at that level.

And for all the SAHMs out there, one thing I figured out really quickly since becoming a SAHM is this little secret that those who work outside the home don't get (or at least I didn't, and I still think my husband doesn't):

If the kids are home all day, not in school, or pre-school, or in daycare, or wherever, then that means they have more time to make messes in the home. I totally did not grasp that until I started staying home. When I worked, sure messes happened, things were untidy, but the waking time that Jena was home was limited, therefore messes were limited. This is not the case when you all stay home every day. Not. At. All.

## side note - I determined my top priorities to be: laundry, grocery shopping, and doing the dishes. I figured if I could keep clean clothes on my family, food for them to eat, and clean dishes for them to eat off of, then I was doing pretty well. The rest I look at as bonus. ##

******************

As far as scheduling goes, we share a Google Calendar, that I can access at home or on phone, and he can access on his phone as well. This has helped immensely when it comes to scheduling even the little things.

I can see when is shifts are (because even though they are every 3rd day, like clockwork, I still cannot keep that straight in my head), when he has extra things to do, when he has jobs for the family business, etc.
He can see when I've made plans and he needs to be home. In fact, now that we have a family business, there are often days that I block his calendar so he or his brother don't schedule him work. I only do this if I really & truly need him to be available, or if we've discussed it and he's agreed. This is important. He can trust me to only block his schedule when I absolutely need him, and I can trust him to honor my requests in his schedule.


****************************

He's doing what he feels he needs to do to provide for his family financially, and even if he might be willing to look at another career path eventually, well, it's not going to happen overnight.

So you just have to come to terms within yourself with the reality of your situation, as it is at this moment, and deal with it in the best way you can.

You make it work. You do what you need to do, and you make it work for your family.

It's not fun. It's not glamourous. It sucks. And sometimes it really, really sucks.

But you do it. You make it work.

********************

And there it is. My advice on how to handle your husband being gone so much.

Thanks for reading! And hopefully this will help someone out there get a handle on things! Does anyone have any advice to add?

Slowing Down

Recently I realized that I had had a headache for pretty much four days straight that even Tylenol wasn't really helping. I was also hot all the time. One morning it dawned on me to have Jason (as a registered EMT) check my blood pressure.

It wasn't good.

I had a regularly scheduled checkup with my endocrinologist a few days later, so I embarked on a few days of minor lifestyle changes in an effort to lower my blood pressure. One thing I've identified as a cause of stress in my life is that I feel very out of control, so I took some steps to take back some control.

Honestly, in an ironic twist, since becoming a SAHM I feel like I'm doing what everyone else tells me to do, or wants me to do way more than when I worked outside the home. I feel as though I have very little control over my daily motions. So that clearly needs to change.

One thing is that I decided to take a break from FlyLady. Even though it was a program that I chose to start, the truth is that every day I'm doing what she tells me. And at this point even that seems like too much.

I need to do what I want to do.

I also reduced my social media presence, and am actually surprised at how much that has helped, considering I do feel that I get most of my support community from social media. But it's also a constant barrage of contact to an introvert that needs quiet. Heck, I think the truth is we all need quiet at times.

And I made an effort to get at least six hours of sleep a night, which is a struggle for me. I struggle with insomnia, and tend to find after the kids go to bed as my most productive hours, so often find myself up till all hours of the night (morning). 

So I spent a few days relaxing more, letting my house get back to the crappy house it was before, not going online as much, etc.

The result? At my appointment my BP was still high, but not high enough that my doctor was concerned. What he was concerned about was that my resting pulse rate was extremely high. Even though this would be an uncommon side effect to my meds, it is possible, so we are making some modifications to the dosages for a month to see if there's any change, and I'm continuing some of my temporary lifestyle changes. I do plan on starting FlyLady back up soon, but we'll have to see  how things progress.

The truth is I've been struggling with quite a bit of anxiety and depression over the past few months and I think it finally caught up with me. There has been quite a bit going on behind the scenes, both big & small, that has just been difficult to deal with all at once.

While my numbers may not show it (yet?), I feel better about myself since making these changes. I'm going to continue looking at my life and how I can regain control in certain areas. I think that sense of not having control, whether real or perceived, was a major trigger for me, for the anxiety, the depression, and the stress.

Also - my project is still in the works, but delayed a bit by this. Keep watching for more updates!

So that's my update today. I hope you all are doing well.

As always, thanks for checking in!

FlyLady Update (BabySteps 6 thru 10)

Day 6: dressed & ready, shiny sink, read emails, look at post-its, recognize negative voices, two minute hot spot
- getting pretty good and this dressed & ready thing
- shiny sink actually got done at a decent hour
- read the emails, check
- never did do the post-its
- worked to keep negative voices in check
- okay, right now I feel like my entire house is a hot-spot, so I decided that for now my hot spot clean up will be whatever tidying chore is next on my to-do list. Today it was the entryway (I always start with the entryway, since it's the first place anyone sees when they come in the home). Done.

Day 7: okay, I'm not gonna list everything out every day. Just assume I'm doing all the previous things unless I write something else, plus one new, 'kay?
Today started out pretty rough, and honestly I'm just proud of the fact that I got all of my baby steps done for the day at all. Other than the post-its which I'm not doing. Yet anyway. Jillian woke up at 1am vomiting. I was up with her from 1am-4am and am going on about 3 hours of sleep total.

The new step for the day was to lay out my clothes for tomorrow. Honestly, I need to start doing this for myself. I already lay out Jena's & Jillian's clothes either the night before or first thing in the morning. I lay out Jason's uniforms for him the night before when I remember. But me? I'm usually the one scrambling to get ready at the last minute. So today I took Jillian around with me room to room and we laid out everyone's outfits for tomorrow.
The truth is in my pre-kids days I did this for work or church on a regular basis. I'd pick out my clothes for the next day, iron them if needed, and hang them on my bedroom door, complete with what matching undies I was wearing with them. That seems so long ago... It will do me good to get back into this habit.

Day 8: Split it into a Morning & Evening Routine, and add a two-minute Hotspot to the evening
This was the first day I didn't get everything done. The first day I didn't get my sink shined. A few negative words crept in, like "failed" and "failure", but I worked to get those out of my head. Still, I was bummed.

next day: down for the count with an AWFUL stomach bug. Nothing got done. Nothing.

next day: tried to use what energy I had to do things like catch up on laundry, dishes, sterlizing bottles, etc. So much gets behind in just that one day, plus we were already behind on laundry because of the stomach bug Jillian had a few days earlier, creating an abundance of dirty clothes.

Day 8 (repeat): see above
I decided since this was my first day getting back in the groove, and my last day I didn't complete all the tasks anyway, instead of moving forward with Day 9 items, I'd go back and try Day 8 again. This actually led me to  a question: if these are babysteps to succeeding in the program, are we supposed to move forward if we haven't completed? or should we repeat that day until we do?
I know once you're in the regular FlyLady routine she promotes the idea that you are not behind, just jump in where you are, but since the point of these steps is to work up to that, should we move forward if we haven't achieved them yet? I'm honestly not sure. Either way, I repeated Day 8 today and this time I can say I got it done! Yay me!

Day 9: add a five minute declutter to the morning routine
Well, poop. Did not get the declutter done, did not get the second hot spot done. Ugh. Will repeat again tomorrow.

Day 9 (repeat): see above
Well, today I did get it done. And then some. I am getting a little concerned though. I mean, let's face it, the routine isn't even that much yet, we're not even a third of the way thru the baby steps, and I'm already starting to struggle getting things done. What is my problem?!?

Day 10: add two 15 minute segments - one gathering up all the trash you can find in your house and placing outside, and one relaxing and reading for yourself
Done! I have to admit, it feels pretty good!

FlyLady Updates (BabySteps 2 thru 5)

Day 2: get dressed & ready and shine your sink.
- getting dressed & ready was easy on this particular day because it happened to fall on a day that Jena had Art Summer Camp, so I had to do it anyway. The challenge will be to do it on days when we aren't going anywhere and the temptation to stay in our pajamas will be strong.
- shining the sink wasn't too bad either. I have to say I was surprised at how much gunk was in there, after only one day! Maybe there's something to this after all!

Day 3: get dressed & ready, shine your sink, explore the FlyLady website (focus on the Launch Pad).
- get dressed & ready, again, easy because Jena had Art Summer Camp.
- shining my sink done as usual
- explore the FlyLady website, with focus on the Launch Pad. For me, this was intimidating. These baby steps almost seem too easy, but after looking at the Launch Pad it's hard for me to imagine being able to do everything on there with any sort of regularity. Heck, it's hard for me to imagine doing everything on there once. Okay... maybe once.  But I guess that's why I'm here. It sounds wonderful. It's easy to see how if I could do those things with regularity my home would be much better taken care of, so there is a tiny part of me that is excited at the prospect that it might possibly happen some day. But mostly it seems impossible at this point. Scary. Never going to happen impossible. I'm glad today was just to explore the website, and not to do it, LOL.

Day 4: get dressed & ready, shine your sink, read your FlyLady message, and put post-its up to help remember these steps, as a beginner to your "Control Journal"
- getting dressed & ready, again, easy peasy because of Jena's Summer Camp
- shining my sink did not get done today. I had just finished sterilizing bottles and was just getting ready to wash dishes when Jason came home from Water Rescue... at 11pm. We talked for a few minutes and went to bed, with a sink full of soaking dishes.
- read the FlyLady message on the website
- I did not put up post-its. Maybe I'll regret it, but so far I don't need help remember steps. If it becomes to much in a day or two I'll start.

I'm mulling the idea of the "Control Journal". I already do much of what is included, just not all in one journal. I have a planner, a chore checklist (for me & Jena), an address book, etc. There are other items I have considered completing someday and never got around to. This may be a good motivation to get them done. But I'm not sure I'm sold on having each item wrapped up together in one large journal. So I will probably eventually complete the Control Journal, but will probably modify it to suit my needs.

I will admit, today I'm struggling a bit with this process. Wondering if I'm doing these BabySteps right.  Mostly because it feels like I'm not doing anything. And even though they don't take up a ton of time, they do take time, time away from doing what household tasks I used to get done, done. Which means right now I'm in this phase where my house is getting worse instead of better. Except my kitchen sink. It looks great. Am I missing something? Did I read it wrong? Am I supposed to be doing the BabySteps plus? Or am I supposed to just trust this process, because BabySteps are supposed to be just that... tiny steps. I don't know. But today I'm frustrated.

Day 5: get dressed & ready, shine your sink, read your post-its, read the FlyLady message, special note about negativity
- with nowhere to go until later today, I kept forgetting to put my shoes on. Other than that, did okay.
- finished the dishes from last night late this morning, so got that sink shined early (for me)
- no post-its to read
- read the FlyLady message. Today's was about decorating.
- note about negativity was well-timed. Perhaps having doubts around day 4-5 is normal.

I admit, even before I checked my babystep for today, I looked ahead, first just a couple of days, then all the way to the end. I've been trying not to peek ahead, and really just take it one day at a time, but I needed reassurance that this really was going to pick up and I was going to get somewhere.

With no Summer Camp to take Jena to today, I have more time this morning to get other chores done. But, we are meeting my parents to lunch, then they are watching the girls while I go to the doctor, then back to their house for a visit probably thru dinnertime. Which means once we leave the house around 12noon I won't be back until nighttime. So I guess I'd better get off here and get cracking!

Day 1 of Project Home Organization

As I mentioned in my last post, I decided to give FlyLady another try. Today I did Babystep 1, Shine Your Sink.

I felt ridiculous.

I'm not gonna lie, with so many other things on my plate, so many other chores and tasks waiting for me, it seemed so silly to spend so much time & energy cleaning out my kitchen sink. I seriously considered skipping this step altogether and going to the second day even, except for two things:

#1 - I kept reminding myself that my own methods have not worked in the past. She is arguably an expert in the field, and has thousands of people who swear by her methods. But I did have to tell myself this multiple times throughout the day.

#2 - something she says on her site. She talks briefly about why such a seemingly small task is first, and part of it is about how if you are coming to her it's because you have struggled with your home probably for years and that means you are probably very beaten down and you need a small victory. And you see, the night before I had laid in bed and cried - no... sobbed - to Jason about how much I felt like a failure because I couldn't do it. I beat myself up daily over it. I feel like a failure as a wife & mother over it. And have for years. I am completely beaten down by the state of my home. She's right. She knows what she's talking about.

And so I did it. My kitchen sink has probably never been cleaner. Maybe not even when we installed it, LOL.

And while it wasn't the only chore I did today, the time I spent doing that, combined with a extra-whiny Jillian, meant that I got a lot less accomplished than I would have liked.

But I'm going to trust the process. I'm asking my husband to trust the process. He knows all too well that my own methods haven't worked either, so I'm asking him to please support me in trying this new way of doing things, even if they don't always make sense to either of us. Because something has to change.

I'm hoping this works. I need this to work. I probably won't post about my progress every day, but I will try to keep you updated on how it goes.

As always, thanks for checking in!

FlyLady

Are ya'll familiar with FlyLady? Well, I heard about her system years ago. Even tried it after I had Jena. It's a method of creating and maintaining a clean & organized home.

I failed the first time I tried it. But looking back, maybe it wasn't the best time for me to try something new. I was struggling with a new baby, problems in my marriage, post partum depression, work, etc, etc, etc. Even though I needed something to help me manage my house, maybe adding a new responsibility in the form of a new process wasn't the best idea at the time. No wonder I failed!

Well, I came across her stuff again recently, and I have to admit that my own methods just aren't working. I figured once I was a SAHM and I had more time in the house, I would be able to manage the home myself.

Boy, was I wrong.

It's not for lack of trying. I cannot express to you how hard I work at it. I try so hard. I've created different schedules, I've gotten up early, stayed up late, worked, worked, worked. I feel horrible because I feel like I never actually play with my kids because all I do is chores. Yet somehow my house is still a disaster and I mostly fix pre-made frozen dinners.

Clearly I am doing something wrong. I just don't know what it is.

I discussed it with my mom, and she told me that when she has known a SAHM that didn't have a clean house, they usually had a hidden time killer they needed to get rid of. She had her own when she was younger: television.

Well, I'm not not saying it's not still a possibility, but I am saying if I have time killer, I haven't found it yet. I've eliminated watching my shows down to feedings or while folding laundry. Didn't help. Social media, and other screen time? Limited that to while on the toilet (don't tell my friends, LOL) or while waiting for Jillian to fall asleep (she's a super-light sleeper and we have a small house, so it's "don't move!" until we know she's down - usually 5 - 10 min). As you already know, I gave up blogging until recently. Still no. I even gave up getting regular sleep and started staying up later and/or getting up earlier (depending on the day's activities) so I could get more done. Nope. So if there's a time killer there, I don't know what it is.

But what is evident is that my methods aren't working, and I need outside help. So I decided to try FlyLady again.

Wish me luck!

One Day: What I Do

So a few weeks ago I had someone (who shall remain nameless) come into my home and suggest that it looked like I did "nothing" all day. Essentially meaning my house was a mess.

I'm not gonna lie. It is.

But I do far from nothing. I go, go, go all day every day. I stay up late. I'm exhausted. So, even though I know they'll probably never read this, I thought just for my own edification, I'd track, just for one day, exactly what I do.

Here is what I did on one random Saturday. This did not count the four hours we took to make an impromptu visit to the fire house to visit Jason. So a relatively normal day, minus four hours of a special activity. This only counts what was done at the house.

******************

- washed & dried six loads of laundry
- folded & put away four loads of laundry
- let the dogs out four times
- changed three diapers
- prepared three feedings for Jillian
- prepared a meal or snack for Jena three times
- put a kid to bed three times
- bathed two kids
- fed Jillian twice
- prepared two baths
- checked the refrigerator for spoiled / outdated food
- cleaned out kitty litter
- fixed Jena's hair for the day
- helped Jena clean up a large amount of spilled water
- instructed Jena in homeschool session (approximately 2.5 hours)
- made our bed
- set clothing out for each of us
- sterilized bottles
- stocked diaper bag
- straightened up the entryway
- swept the entryway floor
- tended to a sick child
- tended to the wart on Jena's foot
- washed cloth diapers
- washed cloth diaper inserts
- washed dishes

*******************

Maybe I just have unrealistic expectations, but considering I was gone for four hours, and an additional 2.5 hours was spent homeschooling, I think this list indicates someone being pretty productive. Far from someone who did "nothing".

Granted, very little of that had to do with cleaning or organizing my home. But very much of that had to do with taking care of my children's immediate needs, and much of the rest had to do with keeping our household running.

I'm trying to get my house clean & organized. I really am. Quite frankly, I'm completely embarrassed by it. But I'm also not sure what more I can do at this point. I may blog about that later.

Well, that's about all for now. Sorry I haven't blogged much lately.  Lots going on. I'll try to do an update post soon.

As always, thanks for checking in!

I Drove Myself Crazy

Yesterday was busy. So I stayed up until midnight tidying up the house. Still not as clean as I'd like, but passable, by our family's standards.

Then Jillian woke me up for a feeding at 3:30am. She had trouble going back down, the I had trouble falling back to sleep, so I was up with her from 3:30am to 5am.

She woke me back up at 7am for her next feeding. So tired. After her feeding I figured I had a better chance of getting more sleep if I slept with her on the couch, so I tried. Half an hour later Jena came in and woke me up.

Score. A total of 6 hours of (interrupted) sleep.

Six hours of sleep actually isn't bad for me. Or for millions of other Americans. Especially moms. It's the interruptions that get us. My longest stretch was 3 1/2 hours. Ugh.

And then I thought about it.

No wonder my mental health was so screwed up after I had Jena. I mean, I know a lot of it was physiological, but no wonder it got so bad and took so long to get better. Because at this stage in the game with her, I had already been back to work for a month.

I also was trying much harder to keep a clean house, cook dinners, etc.

So the scenario back then would have played out something like this:

Stay up until at least midnight (possibly as late as 2am) doing housework.
Up at 3:30am for feeding.
When not asleep by 5am, realize I might as well stay up for work.
Throw in a load of laundry. Do another random household chore.
Get ready for work.
Work for eight-ish hours.
Cook dinner.
In between taking care of Jena, do housework until at least midnight.

Several times a week, literally pass out on the couch, and wake up 2 -3  hours later, usually because Jena is crying or Jason is waking me up. Commence housework or child care.

Here's the deal. Even on that schedule, while my house was cleaner than it is now, it was still a constant mess. While I cooked more than I do now, we still ate out way too often. No matter how hard I tried, how much I did, it was never enough.

And my mental health caved.

My long-time readers might remember this one night in 2011. Nearly three years after Jena was born. It took me nearly three years to realize that my mental health was worth more than a clean house that will never be clean enough, worth more than a smaller pile of laundry that will never be all the way gone.

I know there are women out there who disagree with me, but I think it's ridiculous that our society expects women to be working moms, to return to work when the baby is just six weeks old, most often not even sleeping thru the night yet. Before I had kids I thought nothing of it.

Now, I think it's ludicrous. If that's what you need to do for the financial stability of your family, then so be it. Fine. Good for you for taking care of your family. But the fact that the is has became a societal expectation is ridiculous. Crazy.

And we're driving ourselves crazy - sometimes literally - trying to meet that expectation.

Better at This

I penned this one day while thinking of all the housework waiting for me at home, perpetually waiting for me, thinking of the piles of laundry, of the mess throughout, stressing over never getting it right, worrying over what lessons I am teaching my daughter about keeping a home.

I realized that somewhere in my mind I thought there was a magic switch that would turn on once I became a mom that would automatically make things like keeping a clean house, planning & cooking meals, and maintaining a beautiful flowerbed second nature.

I mean, if you had asked me, I would say "of course there's no magic switch", but the day-to-day reality of these things is so far from what I had expected, that clearly some little corner of my mind harbored this "magic switch" theory.

I was wrong. So very wrong.

If you've been following me for any time at all you know this has been a constant struggle for me. A constant battle. And if I lose a day of housework, just one day, due to busyness of life, or illness, or vacation... well, one lost day equals a month of catch up. There is no wiggle room for me to lose a day of housework.

So many days I feel like all is lost.

I try to console myself with what I did accomplish each day, listing out my accomplishments, but looking around it seems so small compared with what is left to do. Every day. Fighting a losing battle.

As I wash & fold load after load of laundry, struggling to keep my husband in clean uniforms, me in clean work clothes, and Jena in... well, in clean clothes - the mess piles up in the living room.

As I shift my focus to the living room, the kitchen sink overflows with dishes.

As I wash the dishes, the shower starts begging for a good scrub.

As I scrub the shower, my family complains for lack of clean clothes.

And thus the vicious cycle begins again.

It feels like a battle I can never win. Not just win, but not lose.

I hate that our house is messy. Hate it.

I also hate subsisting on 5 hours a sleep per night as I stay up past midnight, trying to get more chores done, and get up at 5:30am, to do more in the morning before work.

I have tried, for five years, to try to figure out how to fit in working full-time outside the home, handling all of the child care, most of the pet care, most of the errand-running, the vast majority of the cooking, and all of the housework. I know it my head that it's physically impossible, it can't be done, as there are only so many hours in a day.

But that knowledge alone does not keep me from feeling like I am failing my family, like I am failing myself, like I am not good at this wife & mother thing.

I push these feelings aside most of the time, but then once in a while, they come out. And sometimes when they do... I write.

As always, thanks for checking in.

About Me (a meme)

1) What were you doing 10 years ago?
Working as a medical receptionist for a dermatologist, sending resumes out like crazy. Loved the work, the patients, and my co-workers, but the office manager was just awful and I had finally had enough.

Single. Living with my parents.

Still in pain daily from my accident.

2) What are five things on your to-do list?
Well, this is rather boring.

- buy new toilet brush
- affix mirror decoration in bathroom
- wash dishes
- clean kitty litter
- empty trash

3) What are five snacks you enjoy?
- peanut butter & apples (even better when you're finishing the ones your daughter left behind)
- popsicles
- Kettle Chips
seriously racking my brain here... I try hard not to snack...
- Grippo's Barbecue Chips
- peanut M&Ms

4) Name some things you would do if you were a millionaire.

Give it away!

Seriously, one of Jason's fears is if we were ever wealthy I'd give too much away, LOL.

Pay off bills, obviously.

And travel. We love to travel, and our travel bucket list is quite long.

5) Name some places you have lived.
Ohio
Kentucky

6) Name some bad habits that you have
I'm a bad procrastinator.

And the past few (like 10 or so) years I've constantly & consistently late. Drives Jason nuts. I think psychologically something must've happened, because I used to always be the early one. Not anymore. Someone come analyze me, LOL.

7) Name some jobs you have had
dishwasher
library associate
medical receptionist
bedding associate
accounts receivable clerk

the list could go on.... I guess when you count part-time and short-term, I've had a lot of jobs...

****************************
this post inspired by this post

It will all work out in the end

"It is not a parent's job to entertain their child" -- Susan Yates

Between that quote, circulating on both Facebook and Pinterest, and this article, which states that "...parents are spending more time with their kids than they did two decades ago." this idea has been on my mind a lot lately.

Truthfully, it's something I struggle with. I think (for me) a lot of it stems from working mom guilt. I feel like I miss so much of Jena's time, that I want to be truly present with her at all times. Really be there, quality time, connecting on her level.

And my housework suffers, and meal preparation suffers, and time with my spouse is lost, and time to pursue my own interest is gone.

But I've always been okay with that.

And still am, to a point.

But lately I've been thinking more and more about whether or not this is best for Jena. Just because she's happier, just because I'm at peace with it, doesn't necessarily mean it is what is in her best interests.

And so I've been trying to redirect some of my time, some of my attention, with the thought that maybe on occasion it's good, not bad, for me to tell her 'no, I can't, I'm busy'. Maybe it's okay for me to do the dishes while she's still awake. Maybe it's good for her to see me working around the house, instead of just waking up to chores being done.

Now, this isn't to say I've never done any work with her around. She's certainly helped me fold clothes, do the dishes, put in the laundry, feed the pets, sweep the floors, etc, etc, etc. in the past. But it's never been my priority. I always put my priority on focusing on her and what she wants to do.

And so now I'm working to shift that focus. To appease my working mom's guilt by telling myself that it really is best for her to see me focus on these other items, even if she's begging me to play. At least once in a while.

Similarly, Jason & I have done a pretty good job of keeping date nights and us-only trips since she was born, but when we're together as a family, the focus is almost exclusively on her, not each other. And maybe that needs to start shifting as well.

And me. My interests. I tried to participate in some of "my" activities after Jena was born, but found it to be too much, overwhelming. And so I still find myself anxious at the thought, but I've scheduled a couple of girls' days out with friends, and I'm seriously thinking about joining a community band in the near future. Because I've been really missing performing lately. There's an ache inside me that misses the music. And so maybe it's time that I make time for that part of me. And yes, I do think it would be good for my daughter to see me perform, to see that Mommy can do other things besides mothering and housework.

It's all a balancing act. One that changes and shifts, morphs along with the passing of time. Maybe I feel that I can refocus because Jena is older. Or maybe it's because my years long struggle with depression & anxiety were clouding my focus before. Or maybe it's because I'm becoming more experienced as a parent.

I suppose the reason doesn't really matter. Only the outcome. And so I shift again. Refocus. Juggle. And see where the balls fall, where things work, where adjustment is needed. And then shift again.

All the while trusting that it will all work out in the end.

I am, at best, a mediocre cook

You know, back when I was icing these cookies, I caught myself thinking "why does every mom think she has to make pretty cookies?"

Well, the truth is not every mom does. This is a goal I set for myself.

One of my favorite traditions growing up was making Christmas cookies with my mom. And maybe they wouldn't win any artistic awards, but they were cute.

The ones I make with Jena? Not so much.

I want to make Christmas cookies with my kid, and I want them to be cute. And that's the extent of my reasoning behind this goal.

But fast forward another month, to my blender mishap, and a similar thought came to mind.

Why does our society tell us that every woman is a good cook?
I started to write "should be", but that's not the case. Society teaches us that every woman is a good cook, thereby inflating the "failure" of those who are not good in the kitchen.

I know I said some of this in my earlier post, but I am re-stating it here.

I am not naturally talented in the kitchen. Not in the least.

But I manage. I can feed my family.

My husband is a far better cook than I. Far better.

And I am okay with not being a good cook.

But I am not okay with being looked down on because I am not a good cook.

Being a mom, does not suddenly endow a woman with the ability to create a delicious meal from scratch.

Walking down the aisle does not include with it the ability to create taste titillating meals on a regular basis.

Being born with a vagina does not mean that I have some innate ability to cook.

And to assume so is incredibly sexist.

I cannot think of a single person in my circle who would disagree that every one of us is born with different talents, abilities, gifts, skills.

And yet we expect women, without exception, to be good in the kitchen.

When it comes to my struggles in the kitchen I have been told I just need to work harder. I have been laughed at. I have been told that a monkey can follow a recipe. I have been mocked. I have been made fun of. I have been teased.

I have been made to feel stupid, inadequate, and lacking as a wife &  mother... as a woman... because I do not happen to possess this one particular skill.

And I am here to say that it needs to stop.

The truth is that we all have been born with different talents, different gifts. And thru our lives we develop different skills for different reasons.

And that's okay.
They are are valuable in their own right, and every person should be admired & respected for the things they can do, not mocked & ridiculed for what they can't.

And so I am here, saying loudly for all to hear, that I am, at best, a mediocre cook.

But I am an awesome wife. A fantastic mother. A woman with a bevy of other talents, skills, and abilities that serve me well.

Tonight I will feed my family a quick & easy meal. Perhaps some pre-packaged goodness. Or a crock pot dish. Or maybe my husband will cook tonight. And they will eat well. And we will be happy. Even though I can't cook.

As always, thanks for checking in!

Apprehension is normal, right?

Eeek! It's getting closer! Quite frankly, it makes me really nervous.

The milestone we want to achieve before TTC is a financial one. And thanks to Dave Ramsey, it keeps getting closer & closer. The way things are right this very minute, we'd start trying in just a few short months.

But... because we're doing so well on the program, making extra payments, etc... it's likely to be even closer than that.
Eeek

We talked about it over the weekend. We both have concerns because our marital problems did start soon after Jena was born. Will another child be another stressor to our lives that we have difficulty overcoming? Both individually and together?

I worry about being able to handle another child, considering I currently do 95% of the childcare, and 90% of what-little-housework-manages-to-get-done.

Of course, we both worry about how Jena will adapt to not getting all of the attention, not only from us, but from grandparents, aunts & uncles, etc (she's the 1st grandbaby on my side, and the only one in town - and the 1st girl born on Jason's side in 2 generations, and the only child under the age of 15). Let's just say she may not be spoiled in material goods, or lack of structure/discipline, but she is definitely spoiled when it comes to the amount of undivided attention she gets.

If I'm being honest, I do go back & forth.

Between my brain... and my heart.

Because in my heart I do not feel like our family is complete just yet. I feel like there is somethingone missing.

I don't want to make any stupid decisions, but at the same time I don't want to end up at 50 yrs old, deciding NOW we can handle it, still feeling this ache in my heart, only now it's too late.

I think it is time. And I imagine most of our apprehension is normal. Right?

Anyway, we did toy with the idea of waiting a bit longer to start TTC, even if we reach our financial milestone before then. My reasons are heart-reasons. Jason's reasons are mind-reasons. Typical, I know, LOL.

In the meantime, I'm preparing. I go for my yearly at the Ob soon, and will be discussing it with him, including anything I might possibly be able to do to avoid the difficult L&D experience of last time. I plan to bring up the idea of a scheduled C-section. Although not usually a fan, I do understand that there's a chance that will be the safest route for me & (hopefully future) baby.

I've quit my endocrine meds cold turkey, due to side effects. I don't see him again until next month to discuss alternative treatment options. Honestly though, as long as my endocrine levels remain normalized, I'd be okay with not going back on anything, especially considering we may TTC in the near future (the meds I was on I would have to quite a full 60 days prior to TTC to avoid birth defects & other complications).

We even gone so far as to discuss whether or not Jena would attend school while I'm on maternity leave. I say 'yes'. First of all, to give me some time to adjust to baby #2, and secondly because she won't really be in "pre"school anymore. She'll be at least in kindergarten, and that would be a lot of time to miss from "regular" school.

We've also discussed the financial impact. How this time we can start saving as soon as we TTC, or before, how we have a better idea of what to expect (not just financially either!), how our new insurance actually covers more maternity costs, how since I'm now a permanent employee I can get paid short-term-disability, etc, etc, etc. We were in a pretty good place financially before. But this time we will be in a much better financial place.

So much so that I should be able to take a full 12-week maternity leave without serious repercussions to our budget.

Which is good, because I'm planning to. Six weeks may be enough for most some, but it definitely was not for me. And no, not in a I-don't-wanna-leave-my-baby way, but in a medical- and emotional- preparation way, due to medical complications & Post Partum Depression. I'd rather plan for 12 weeks off, not need it all, and end up with some extra home-with-baby time, then plan for 6 weeks, then end up needing more time, like happened before.

So I guess... that's where we are right now. A bit long, I know, but thanks for checking in!

Old Clothes

I weeded out some clothes recently.

Old clothes. Clothes that I haven't been able to wear since before I got pregnant.

I kept a couple of my absolute favorites. The rest have been boxed up to be placed in the yard sale we plan to have this Spring.

It's time that I faced it. When the time comes that I do fit into those clothes again (and I will... someday), they are already at least five years old. When I am that size again, they may not fit my body the same since having a child, or I may no longer like them on me. When I am that size again, they most likely will not be in style, considering they are already at least five years old.

So, yard sale it is.

I also began the task of sorting thru Jena's old clothes. I haven't done a total purge since we moved into this house over two years ago. Mini-purges to keep it under control, but not a major one.

So I'm washing all of them, and sorting them. My absolute favorites go into a storage bin in the case we ever have another girl. The rest are being boxed to go to Once Upon a Child or be distributed to friends who have little girls younger than Jena. Anything not taken will end up in the same yard sale.

And yes, a few of Jason's things found their way into the yard sale box as well. Not sure that he even noticed.
It feels good. This purging, cleaning. Feels new. Fresh. Good.

As always, thanks for checking in.

During Winter Shutdown, I...

My company has "shutdown" between Christmas & New Years'.

What I accomplished:

- purged mine, Jason's, and Jena's closets for the first time... ever
- bought new storage containers for all the Christmas decorations
- took down the Christmas decorations
- cleaned the living room multiple times (it is the most photographed room during the holidays, LOL)
- took two naps in one week, for the first time in God-knows-how-long
- took Jena to the pediatrician and nursed a bad case of the flu, followed by an ear infection
- got the dogs & chickens set up for winter (heated water dishes, bedding, etc)
- got a haircut
- cooked more meals in a week at home than I have in, well, God-knows-how-long
- played with my daughter, hung out with my husband, saw my family

What I did not accomplish:

- get / keep the entire house clean
- finish ALL the laundry for once
- inventory the food in the house
- various chores / errands that I wanted to get done

Hmmmm. When I started this list, I honestly thought the "not accomplished" list would be longer, but the "accomplished" list would be more quality items. Kinda excited that the "accomplished" is actually longer. Maybe I need to do these lists more often!

Thanks for checking in!

Overwhelmed

I have been feeling quite overwhelmed lately.

Not just busy, but... sinking beneath everything kind of overwhelmed.

Work is insane right now. Instead of my normal 40 different hats to wear, now I have around 60. Every day is a struggle to juggle it all, and I'm barely scraping by. At this moment I'm still managing to accomplish the needed, must-do tasks, but barely. And I can't shake the feeling that I'm always forgetting something.

With the holidays coming up, our lives have been jam-packed with event after event, plus there's shopping & wrapping & cooking & card sending & decorating to get done as well.

Our home looks like a disaster area. Only a slight exaggeration. I'm staying up late & getting up early. Averaging maybe 5 1/2 hours a sleep a night. And still barely managing to keep on top of the necessities (laundry, dishes, groceries).

I know my lack of sleep is probably contributing to this feeling of being beaten, but at the same time I don't see how getting more sleep and getting even less accomplished is going to help anything.

Besides all the things to do, all the stuff, I have a lot of praying to do. Join me?

My dad had surgery on his back.
Surgery & recovery are going well.
However, they still cannot watch Jena. Which means that for the past few Friday's we've had to make alternate arrangements.

My brother had surgery on his adenoids, throat, etc. (severe sleep apnea).
Recovery is not going well. Not sure of all the details, but he still cannot swallow. Everything he tries to take in, comes out his nose. Apparently this is normal for a day or two past surgery. We're on Day 5. He has also ended up in the ER once because he tried to swallow his liquid pain medication, choked, ended up coughing & gagging, and... he coughed up two of his stiches.

My uncle has been diagnosed with lymphoma.He started chemo yesterday. Eight hours.
They've also done some biopsies because they think it may have metastisized to his pancreas & bones.

My great uncle has been diagnosed with cancer.He has decided to forego traditional Western treatment and is using some alternative treatments to ease his discomfort.

A very dear friend, like family really, has been diagnosed with colon cancer.It has spread to his liver. So far treatments have not changed his condition or prognosis. But he is persisting. For now.

Jason's grandmother is very ill.She has been in & out of the hospital for the past few months. I don't know all the details, but I do know her last hospitilization was for a severe kidney infection. She was on IV antibiotics for four days, and was released to a rehab facility. As of right now, doctors will not release her to her home.
This may force her into a nursing home. Which, quite frankly, is what she needs. Her health has deteriorated and she really needs 24/7 medical care. Two of her daughters (including MIL) have been trying to take care of her, going to her home daily, administering medication, fixing meals, and taking blood pressure & blood sugar readings. But they still get phone calls during the day, during the night, whenever her illness strikes again, and they're back at the hospital. I really believe it is in her best interest to be in a home, but she is very adament that she does not want to go, and her daughters I think feel guilty about it, so aren't pushing the issue.

Each & every one of those weighs heavy on my mind & heart daily.

This is also our first holiday season without my father-in-law. I'm sure there will be some tears, but we'll get thru it okay. My mother-in-law? Not so optimistic.

So we are walking on eggshells (did we every stop?), answering her calls for help, trying to just be there for her. I'm not gonna lie, we could do better in this area. But I also couldn't tell you where we'd find the time either.

And while part of me says this is all just life, get over it, it happens, I also find myself feeling so very overpowered by it all. Sinking. Stressed out. Scattered. Unfocused.

And unable to pull myself out of the pile.

I also find myself wondering why.

I don't recall ever feeling so overwhelmed in the past. Even when life crashed down around me, this sense of losing control was never there.

I know that statistically, women who have PPD or other Post-Partum mental disorders are more likely to develop other mental illnesses in their lives.

I find myself wondering if this is me. If the reason I feel so steamrolled by life has less to do with how much is going on in right now, and more to do with my mind's ability to handle it all. Anymore.

Is this just life for me now? Will I become more easily overwhelmed by life as time goes on? Am I destined to become scattered & unfocused & overcome at the first sign of difficulty? Is that who I have become?

Maybe more importantly, is that who I have to be? Is there a way out? I certainly haven't found it yet. Is there even one to be found?

******************************

I feel like this post is a bit... detached. Several topics not quite meshing together the way I'd like. But I've been holding on to it for several days, and keep re-reading it, and am not finding the way to make it all flow a bit better, so... here ya go. As always, thanks for checking in!

There are no winners here

source

There are no words.

At the same time, there is something to say.

What do you say when there are no words?

***********************************

When I heard the news, I cried. Then I wanted to get my Jena, before realizing my parents were watching her yesterday. Safe, visiting a Christmas display in Cincinnati, they may not even know the  news. I refrained from calling. No need to destroy their afternoon.

My mind wandered to the children. A freakin' KINDERGARTEN classroom, for pete's sake. Four- and five- year olds. WHY?!?

And then I realize, there is no reason. There cannot be any reason. I've heard people mention insanity. Mental Illness. Demon possession. And I understand why. Because there cannot be any reason for anyone to do this. Ever.

I pictured Jena's preschool. Thank goodness her classroom is towards the end of the hallway. Thank goodness for security measures taken at the school. And then I feel guilty for being glad her class isn't at the front of the school. Because what about those kids? And I also realize that Sandy Hook Elementary had security measures in place as well. Similar to many schools. And I realize that if someone wants to commit that kind of carnage, there is little that a security system will do to stop them.

I thought about the teachers at Sandy Hook. Those brave teachers and administrators, doing what they could to protect the children. We don't give our teachers enough credit for the work they do, but rarely do we also realize what they would do, should tragedy strike. Thank your child's teacher next time you see them.

And then I dared to think about the parents. The panicked parents. I cannot truly grasp the kind of terror that must have gripped each and every parent as they rushed to their babies. A terror that is either relieved when your child is in your arms, and immediately replaced with survivors' guilt, or is replaced by a grief no person should ever experience. There are no winners here.

And the children. The poor, terrified children. To think that the last few moments of your child's life were filled with such horror... and then the surviving students. What an impact this will have on their lives. Their view of school, of humanity in general, forever changed by this day.

Now to the first responders: police, SWAT, fire, EMTs/medics, probably more. I imagine my own Jason responding to the scene. I have to think it would change him, maybe forever. There will be some that will not return to this career. They all will forever carry those heinous images in their minds. Thank a first responder at your next opportunity. They do what the rest of us could or would not. They go in when the rest of us are trying desperately to get out.

Lastly, my mind turns to the shooter. I cannot rejoice at a life lost, any life lost. But I can be grateful that he cannot do it again. His family must be devastated. To deal with the grief of losing mother & son in one day is difficult enough, but to deal with it in this fashion, facing interrogations, media speculations, public scrutiny, all while trying to make sense of it yourself... I cannot imagine how difficult this is for them.

Last night Jena got a little bit spoiled. She doesn't know it, doesn't know why. In exchange for doing one tiny little chore she should have done anyway, I let her stay up "as late as Mommy". I let her play on the computer for hours. And then I let her sleep in my bed. Three things I never let her do. As much for me as it was for her.

Tonight we will take her to see the Elves at a local Christmas display. We will have dinner with family, then enjoy a little holiday spirit. I will do my best to pretend nothing bad happened. Not because I have become "desensitized to violence", as one of my friends suggested of anyone who moves on quickly from such a day, but I will do it for my child. At four years old my daughter has no need to know what happened today. And so I will go thru the next few days as if nothing happened, as if nothing is wrong, as if my mind weren't wandering to that horrific incident time and time again. I will hold back the tears as best I can. I will be forever grateful for my daughter.

And should she overhear anything, from anyone, about what happened, I pray that God would give me the words.

****************************

Dear God,

Lord, we come to You today and ask that You be with the people of Newtown. We ask that You comfort all those directly and indirectly involved with the shooting. We don't understand why these things happen, nor how anyone could ever be comforted in such tragedy, but we do trust in You to do the impossible. Hold them close in their time of need.
Lord I also ask that You guide all of our minds, especially those in law enforcement and education, to find in this a way to protect our children in the future. Let this be used as a learning experience, let some tiny bit of good come from this.
Father, there are not enough words, not the right words, to express what we are all feeling, even thinking. But You know our minds and our hearts. Hear our unspoken.

Amen

Perspective

I've been thinking a lot about perspective lately. Specifically how one's perspective on something greatly helps to shape their thoughts, feelings, and reactions to that something.

*******************

First, in relation to work. Maybe you remember my post asking my co-workers to stop whining. In that post I explain that everyone feels like they are getting a raw deal. And maybe some are. But from what I can see, what makes them feel this way is less what is actually going on, and more their perspective on what has occurred.

Because most of our upper management came from Group B, Group A feels like the org change has been a "takeover". From Group A members I've heard repeatedly "why do we have to do everything the way Group B did it?"

At the exact same time, our mgmt has taken pains to try to make Group A feel included, I've been in the meetings where they refused to change something just to not offend Group A. These actions lead to me hearing from Group B members "why do we have to do everything the way Group A did it?"

If it weren't so annoying, it's kinda funny. Members of both groups feel like "everything" is being done the way the other group did it, and their ways of doing things are being tossed aside.

*******************

Next, in relation to the SAHM vs Working Mom thing. I'm sure my last post on the subject may have ruffled a few feathers. I even debated not posting it, for that reason. But it's my blog, and it articulates well how I feel, so I kept it.

But I kept asking myself why it bothered me so much. And I finally realized. I feel like it's lopsided.

From my perspective - what I see, hear, and deal with on a daily basis - SAHMs get more support than working moms. That's what it boils down to. I'm hurt, upset, and a little angry that working moms aren't given the same support & respect for the job they do as moms.

I hear SAHMs complain about how busy they are, how much work they have to do, how their houses are messy and they can't find the time to get anything done - and I hear others telling them that oh, yes, you do hard work, it is hard to stay home, you do do a lot of work, no one can expect you to keep a clean house all the time because of everything else you have to do, can I babysit for you sometime so you can get something done / have some time to yourself.

I've heard it verbally, I see it posted on someone's wall or on a mommy message board probably weekly.

At the same time, if I say something about how busy I am, my house isn't clean, I can't find time to cook, or grocery shop, etc.... well, from my perspective instead of understanding and support, I get told (nicely or not so nicely) that I need to manage my time better.

I mean, if only I managed my time better, I would be better at meal planning, and could pre-cook all of my meals on Sunday to be re-heated during the week, I could cook more.

If only I managed my time better, I could follow FlyLady or Organized Home or Martha Stewart and my house would be clean.

If only I managed my time better, I could clip coupons and maintain a good grocery list, and zip thru the grocery store in no time, and still spend less money.

Oddly enough, I get more criticism from fellow working moms, and the understanding I do get usually comes from SAHMs.  Honestly, I would think it would be the other way around.

At the same time that my perspective tells me SAHMs get more understanding & support than WMs, I also acknowledge the perspective of a lot of SAHMs feel exactly the opposite. And maybe if all of us could somehow take a step back and see things from a completely objective third-party position, then maybe all of our insecurities, and hard feelings, and emotional ickiness would just fall away.

*******************

Those are just two issues, but this idea of perspective has infiltrated my thoughts on nearly every topic over the past few weeks. From Entitlement, to Presidential Debates, to Volunteer Work, to Religion, to Infertility, and so much more... perspective.