Coping with a husband being gone so much

** I originally posted on this topic back in 2011 when I was working full time outside the home. This is updated to add some notes now that I have a couple of years of experience as a stay-at-home and homeschooling mom and my children are older. **


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As a fire wife, one of the struggles is being home alone. A lot. Feeling like a single mom. A lot.

In fact, I have a whole new respect for single moms. And for military wives / moms. Because I know how hard it is with as much as Jason is gone, and I can't imagine being on my own all the time, or until he came home on leave.

It's important that you voice your frustrations to him. Not in a I'm-pissed-at-you-way, but in a I'm-frustrated-and-I'm-struggling-way.
He needs to know what you're going thru.

This is also a good time to ask him what his frustrations are with his schedule. Like missing out on kids' milestones, not playing with them as much, not enough date nights with you, etc.

It's important that the two of you at least try to understand where both of you are coming from, because you are both in very different positions.

You're not in the normal two-income family, where both parents leave in the morning, and both parents come home every night, Monday thru Friday.

You're not the normal one-income family, where he leaves in the morning and comes home every night. Depending on shifts and second jobs he's gone 24-48 hours at a stretch, or sometimes longer.

He's spending nights away from home, having dinner, spending time, and sleeping with other people, while you take care of the kids and the house by yourself after putting in a full day of work.

He doesn't have a "weekend", as his shift includes Saturdays and Sundays. He'll work holidays too, leaving you to handle the celebrations alone. He will miss your daughter's soccer games, even though they're on Saturdays. He will miss a lot of family events thru the years.

This creates stress and frustrations for each of you, but you each have a different kind of frustration.
He has the frustration of not being there, and you have the frustration of being there alone. It's very different, so you must communicate.

The fact is that being in a situation where your spouse is gone much of the time, well... it sucks. It just does.

As far as taking care of the children, and the house:

Things became much simpler for me when I just took Jason out of the equation, when it comes to taking care of the house and the kids.

You just do it yourself. If you need a sitter for some reason, you take care of arranging it, and you do what you need to do. You do all the daycare drop-offs and pick-ups, even if he's home. You plan on doing all of the housework, even if it's his off day. You handle all of the feedings, all of the baths. You feed all the pets, clean all of the poop (pet & baby - ha!). You get everyone dressed in the mornings, get everyone ready to go. Even if he's there.

Keep him in the loop on everything, but just accept it as what you have to do so he can do what he has to do.

This has really helped me / us. It doesn't make the actual work any easier, but it eases a lot of frustration because I don't feel I'm counting on him to do something that he's just not going to do.

And then when he does volunteer to take care of something, it's like a bonus. For everyone.

And that lowers everyone's stress level.

At the same time, you need to realize & accept that you can't do everything. Prioritize what's most important. Obviously taking care of your child(ren) is a must, but other housework, chores, etc.... prioritize, and do the top things first, even if they're inconvenient or unpleasant.

Give it some time & figure out what you can reasonably do in a day, a week, etc. Then talk to your husband and see if he can pick up some of the rest. If not, or if he's not sure, factor him out of the equation.

If that's just not a possibility, then your choices are paying someone to do it (ie. housework), or it just not getting done (ie. housework), or not getting done as frequently as you'd like (ie. housework).

Guess you can tell what doesn't get done at our house, huh?  (ie. housework - ha!)

And you both have to accept that. Because it's reality.

You can't beat yourself up because after working a full day outside the home, or spending hours each day schooling your children, taking care of the kid(s) by yourself, and the putting another couple of hours of housework in before bed, you're still not "done".

You will never be "done".

He can't come home expecting a clean & tidy house, perfectly stocked cupboard, and dinner on the table after you've been working full days outside of the home, or homeschooled the children, doing all (or the vast majority) of the childcare yourself, and all (or the vast majority) of the housework yourself.

It's not physically possible. It's just not.

Oh, you might have a mountaintop moment once in a while, but it's unreasonable for either of you to expect things to be maintained at that level.

And for all the SAHMs out there, one thing I figured out really quickly since becoming a SAHM is this little secret that those who work outside the home don't get (or at least I didn't, and I still think my husband doesn't):

If the kids are home all day, not in school, or pre-school, or in daycare, or wherever, then that means they have more time to make messes in the home. I totally did not grasp that until I started staying home. When I worked, sure messes happened, things were untidy, but the waking time that Jena was home was limited, therefore messes were limited. This is not the case when you all stay home every day. Not. At. All.

## side note - I determined my top priorities to be: laundry, grocery shopping, and doing the dishes. I figured if I could keep clean clothes on my family, food for them to eat, and clean dishes for them to eat off of, then I was doing pretty well. The rest I look at as bonus. ##

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As far as scheduling goes, we share a Google Calendar, that I can access at home or on phone, and he can access on his phone as well. This has helped immensely when it comes to scheduling even the little things.

I can see when is shifts are (because even though they are every 3rd day, like clockwork, I still cannot keep that straight in my head), when he has extra things to do, when he has jobs for the family business, etc.
He can see when I've made plans and he needs to be home. In fact, now that we have a family business, there are often days that I block his calendar so he or his brother don't schedule him work. I only do this if I really & truly need him to be available, or if we've discussed it and he's agreed. This is important. He can trust me to only block his schedule when I absolutely need him, and I can trust him to honor my requests in his schedule.


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He's doing what he feels he needs to do to provide for his family financially, and even if he might be willing to look at another career path eventually, well, it's not going to happen overnight.

So you just have to come to terms within yourself with the reality of your situation, as it is at this moment, and deal with it in the best way you can.

You make it work. You do what you need to do, and you make it work for your family.

It's not fun. It's not glamourous. It sucks. And sometimes it really, really sucks.

But you do it. You make it work.

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And there it is. My advice on how to handle your husband being gone so much.

Thanks for reading! And hopefully this will help someone out there get a handle on things! Does anyone have any advice to add?

One Day: What I Do

So a few weeks ago I had someone (who shall remain nameless) come into my home and suggest that it looked like I did "nothing" all day. Essentially meaning my house was a mess.

I'm not gonna lie. It is.

But I do far from nothing. I go, go, go all day every day. I stay up late. I'm exhausted. So, even though I know they'll probably never read this, I thought just for my own edification, I'd track, just for one day, exactly what I do.

Here is what I did on one random Saturday. This did not count the four hours we took to make an impromptu visit to the fire house to visit Jason. So a relatively normal day, minus four hours of a special activity. This only counts what was done at the house.

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- washed & dried six loads of laundry
- folded & put away four loads of laundry
- let the dogs out four times
- changed three diapers
- prepared three feedings for Jillian
- prepared a meal or snack for Jena three times
- put a kid to bed three times
- bathed two kids
- fed Jillian twice
- prepared two baths
- checked the refrigerator for spoiled / outdated food
- cleaned out kitty litter
- fixed Jena's hair for the day
- helped Jena clean up a large amount of spilled water
- instructed Jena in homeschool session (approximately 2.5 hours)
- made our bed
- set clothing out for each of us
- sterilized bottles
- stocked diaper bag
- straightened up the entryway
- swept the entryway floor
- tended to a sick child
- tended to the wart on Jena's foot
- washed cloth diapers
- washed cloth diaper inserts
- washed dishes

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Maybe I just have unrealistic expectations, but considering I was gone for four hours, and an additional 2.5 hours was spent homeschooling, I think this list indicates someone being pretty productive. Far from someone who did "nothing".

Granted, very little of that had to do with cleaning or organizing my home. But very much of that had to do with taking care of my children's immediate needs, and much of the rest had to do with keeping our household running.

I'm trying to get my house clean & organized. I really am. Quite frankly, I'm completely embarrassed by it. But I'm also not sure what more I can do at this point. I may blog about that later.

Well, that's about all for now. Sorry I haven't blogged much lately.  Lots going on. I'll try to do an update post soon.

As always, thanks for checking in!

I Don't Know What God Has Planned

Nearly one year ago, my husband went on a mission trip to Haiti. He worked on an orphanage / school there, which had sustained significant damage from an earthquake years before.

While he was gone, I had a dream that he & I went to Haiti together. To live. Along with our dog, which looked a lot like Buddy, but I can't say for sure was supposed to actually be him.

A year later, I can still see the scene from my dream vividly. The green grass. The blue ocean in the distance. The white building with columns on the outside. The concrete patio filled with children who seemed to be waiting to meet us. The way a few of the kids ran up to hug our big dog.

I also remember, in my dream, the dream-me having the realization that I was going to get to be a mom to all these kids. And being very happy about that.

Other than Jason, I've never told anyone else about my dream. Until now. It seemed too real. And a little scary.

The past few months, I've thought a lot about that dream. And as I suffered thru first one miscarriage, then another, that experience merged with thinking about this dream to come to a realization. One that I knew in my head, but hadn't really accepted: while I believe our family is incomplete, that there is another child destined to be in our family, there is no reason that it has to be ours biologically.

In fact, I guess there's no reason it has to be one child that is legally ours either.
What if, in God's master plan, the reason there is a hole in my chest is that there are 30 kids in Haiti who are waiting for someone to come work at their orphanage and be their "mom"?

And I accepted that possibility. Wholly. The possibility that our next child(ren) might not be biologically ours, might not ever be technically "ours".

And that idea is good. Really good. And makes me happy.

Listen, if you're waiting for the announcement that we're selling all our earthly possessions and moving our family to Haiti to work at an orphanage, it's not happening.

At least not now.

But what I am saying is that I am open to the idea. More than open. I have accepted it.

I don't know what God has planned for our family, in relation to children or anything else. But I know that I am receptive to it. And for now, that is enough.

As always, thanks for checking in.

Speaking Life

A few years ago I attended a women's conference where I was introduced to the idea of "speaking life". Even though I was not yet a parent, the speaker's revelation about choosing to speak life instead of death in regards to her children had me intrigued. The idea that there is power in our words and we should be intentional about the words we speak because they themselves have authority in our lives.

Because we were at a church conference, I was especially intrigued because despite growing up in a Christian home, this was a new concept to me, one I hadn't heard before.

And so I searched the Bible, but came up with no direct ties. There are no verses (that I have found) that specifically use the words "speak life" or "speak death" or anything thereof.

What I did find was quite a few references to the concept:

"A fool's mouth is his destruction..."  -- Proverbs 18:7a

"Put away from thee a froward mouth, and perverse lips put far from thee."  -- Proverbs 4:24

"There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health."  -- Proverbs 12:18

and the most direct reference:

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue:..." -- Proverbs 18:21a

There are more than that, but you get the idea.

And so, while I don't profess to be 100% successful at taming every word that leaves my mouth, I have made a conscious effort to only speak life with regards to my child.

Is she perfect? No, of course not. None of us are.
But do I choose to dwell on the good, on the positive, on what she can do, instead of what she can't, on what she excels at instead of what she struggles with? Absolutely.

It's not always easy, especially during some particularly frustrating, ahem, phases she's gone thru (you parents of small children know what I'm talking about), but I do it. I try. I work at it.

And yes, I absolutely believe that both she, and our family as a whole, will be better for it.

I strongly encourage everyone to focus on speaking life into, well... your life. Your loved ones, and yes, even yourself. I mean, it can't hurt, right?

As always, thanks for checking in!

Why we don't call names in our house

Recently I was describing a scene at our house in which Jena had a meltdown. A friend responded by yelling "SPOILED BRAT!".

As I tried to explain the situation further, this friend just kept interrupting me, repeating "Spoiled brat! She's a spoiled brat! Brat!" I never did get to finish my story.

In fact, I stopped talking until someone changed the subject. By "someone" I mean one of the 15+ people in the vicinity, including my daughter, who was in earshot.

I should have said something. Sadly, I was too stunned. I know that this person loves my daughter very much, wouldn't doubt that they would lay down their life for her. So why call her names in such a manner?
 I should have called her on it.

The sad thing is I've heard them speak to their own children in the same manner. To other loved ones. It's how they speak.

Not in my house.

Yuou see, the problem with calling names, is that you are attaching an identity to that person.

Instead of telling me that you think my actions are causing behavior problems in my child, you are telling my child she is a "spoiled brat". You have assigned her an identity.

Does that make sense?

Instead of addressing one action, one behavior, both of which can change, you are essentially saying "this is who you are, it's part of your identity"

To you get the difference?

Instead of yelling 'SPOILED BRAT!', my friend could just have easily said "I think you're spoiling her!". The latter statement not only sounds nicer, it's more accurate. It places the blame squarely where it belongs - on my actions as Jena's parent, instead of giving a four-year-old the identity of being a brat because she had a one meltdown.

So we don't do name calling in our house. But it honestly took this episode for me to really think about why we made that decision. We don't call names, because it isn't nice. But it really goes deeper than that, doesn't it? It speaks to assigning resposibility on someone's actions instead of their character as a person, on giving them the ability to change, rather than assessing their identity as being negative in & of itself.

So we don't do name calling in our house.

We do nicknames - Punkinbutt, Love, and Beautiful are probably the three I use most often with Jena.

We address behavior - stop whining, you need to calm down, you get what you get and you don't throw a fit, etc.

But we do not call names in our house.

And next time, I will be better prepared to rebutt anyone who does call my child a name. Promise.

As always, thanks for checking in!

Sure is nice, isn't it?

Today Jason is taking Jena skiing & tubing. No need for me to get her clothes out, make her breakfast, argue with her over getting dressed, fight with her about fixing her hair, no drive to preschool, no drop off, then another drive to work.

I enjoyed a few extra minutes of sleep. Folded a load of laundry while watching Netflix, and after checking the time, allowed myself to finish the show once I was done with the laundry.

I finished getting ready for work, and when Jena cried because she wanted cuddles with Mommy, I crawled into bed next to her, shoes already on, ready to leave, and held her & talked with her for a few minutes. Then I kissed my family good-bye and headed out the door.

What a blessed morning. Extra sleep, chore done, leisurely watching a show, cuddle time with my daughter... and still early for work? Who could ask for more?

With all that extra activity, but minus having to do any child care this morning, I got to work 30 minutes early.

On the drive, I let my mind wander to my husband, to my male co-workers. No wonder so many of them get to work early. No wonder Jason can roll out of bed & be out the door in 20 minutes. No wonder so many of my male co-workers start the day early. They, too, can roll out of bed and be out the door in no time, as their wives, being SAHMs, can take care of the children for them. It makes a little more sense now, how they seem to do so so very easily.

And I decide, as I'm walking across the parking lot, that if any of them make a remark about me being early (which is sure to happen), I will remind them of how blessed they are.

Before I could even sit down got a comment from one of the men I work with, someone I generally like very much, but who, as I mentioned in a previous post, has a wife who stays home with their children and while he is one of the more sympathetic ones, really doesn't understand the idea of a working mom. And while he is typically very sweet (seriously, he's great & really is one of my favorites), he also can have a bit of a holier-than-though judgemental streak at times.

"Wow! You're here so early I had to check the clock to make sure my morning wasn't slipping away!" he says in that judgemental tone he does so well.
"Well, it's not every day that I have a spouse to handle my child care for me. Sure is nice, isn't it?" I say, smiling sweetly at him.
Silence. He doesn't even respond. And while we usually have friendly banter throughout the day, he hasn't spoken to me since.

I think my point has been made.

I don't know for sure what he's thinking, but his silence tells me he is indeed thinking. And I hope that it's not just thoughts about not judging your co-workers, but I also hope his mind wanders to how much his wife does for him, how much she really does to take care of their children & their home. And a part of me is hoping that he brings her a dozen roses tonight, just because he's had a subtle reminder of how blessed he is by her.

Exacerbating Discontent

So my earlier post reminded me of something that had been on my mind before.

The part about how I work in a culture where the vast majority of the wives (because I work with primarily men) are SAHMs / housewives.

There have been times in the past when I was lamenting about having to work (particularly when I was struggling thru my depression), when it did occur to me that what if part of the reason I was unhappy in my situation had more to do with the people I was surrounded with, than with my actual situation.

Does that make sense?

Because for 40 hours a week I am surrounded by men who do not seem to comprehend the idea of a wife  (especially a mom) working because her family needs her income.

Now, if I were a high-powered career woman, maybe. There are a very few men here who are married to executives at other companies, doctors, lawyers, etc.

But a "low" paying (it's decent pay, but I'm saying from their perspective) job, not a career? Unheard of.

They simply do not comprehend the struggles of a working mom. They can't. Not only are they not working moms, their spouses aren't either.

These are people who have SAHMs who put their kids in daycare and have a cleaning lady.

The idea of a mom who works full time outside the home, is the primary caregiver of the children, and who handles the household chores is not in their realms of comprehension.

Oh, they know it, as in they know it on the surface. But they have no real understanding of it.

I've been told that leaving to pick up Jena from daycare (because I refuse to leave her there for 10 hours on a regular basis) was at first perceived to be a lack of dedication to my job. Until I explained it to them.

I don't have a spouse or paid nanny to pick up my child. Leaving work after putting in a full day is what I have to do, it's part of my life. I'm not lacking in dedication to my job, I just have a stronger dedication to my child.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've sometimes wondered if I instead worked with a group that was primarily working moms, would my outlook be different? Would I feel more support, and therefore be happier with my situation myself?

In the end, while I don't think you can fully explain my dissatisfaction at working FT outside the home by the co-workers I am surrounded with, I do think it's an environment that exacerbates existing discontent.

What do you think?

There are no winners here

source

There are no words.

At the same time, there is something to say.

What do you say when there are no words?

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When I heard the news, I cried. Then I wanted to get my Jena, before realizing my parents were watching her yesterday. Safe, visiting a Christmas display in Cincinnati, they may not even know the  news. I refrained from calling. No need to destroy their afternoon.

My mind wandered to the children. A freakin' KINDERGARTEN classroom, for pete's sake. Four- and five- year olds. WHY?!?

And then I realize, there is no reason. There cannot be any reason. I've heard people mention insanity. Mental Illness. Demon possession. And I understand why. Because there cannot be any reason for anyone to do this. Ever.

I pictured Jena's preschool. Thank goodness her classroom is towards the end of the hallway. Thank goodness for security measures taken at the school. And then I feel guilty for being glad her class isn't at the front of the school. Because what about those kids? And I also realize that Sandy Hook Elementary had security measures in place as well. Similar to many schools. And I realize that if someone wants to commit that kind of carnage, there is little that a security system will do to stop them.

I thought about the teachers at Sandy Hook. Those brave teachers and administrators, doing what they could to protect the children. We don't give our teachers enough credit for the work they do, but rarely do we also realize what they would do, should tragedy strike. Thank your child's teacher next time you see them.

And then I dared to think about the parents. The panicked parents. I cannot truly grasp the kind of terror that must have gripped each and every parent as they rushed to their babies. A terror that is either relieved when your child is in your arms, and immediately replaced with survivors' guilt, or is replaced by a grief no person should ever experience. There are no winners here.

And the children. The poor, terrified children. To think that the last few moments of your child's life were filled with such horror... and then the surviving students. What an impact this will have on their lives. Their view of school, of humanity in general, forever changed by this day.

Now to the first responders: police, SWAT, fire, EMTs/medics, probably more. I imagine my own Jason responding to the scene. I have to think it would change him, maybe forever. There will be some that will not return to this career. They all will forever carry those heinous images in their minds. Thank a first responder at your next opportunity. They do what the rest of us could or would not. They go in when the rest of us are trying desperately to get out.

Lastly, my mind turns to the shooter. I cannot rejoice at a life lost, any life lost. But I can be grateful that he cannot do it again. His family must be devastated. To deal with the grief of losing mother & son in one day is difficult enough, but to deal with it in this fashion, facing interrogations, media speculations, public scrutiny, all while trying to make sense of it yourself... I cannot imagine how difficult this is for them.

Last night Jena got a little bit spoiled. She doesn't know it, doesn't know why. In exchange for doing one tiny little chore she should have done anyway, I let her stay up "as late as Mommy". I let her play on the computer for hours. And then I let her sleep in my bed. Three things I never let her do. As much for me as it was for her.

Tonight we will take her to see the Elves at a local Christmas display. We will have dinner with family, then enjoy a little holiday spirit. I will do my best to pretend nothing bad happened. Not because I have become "desensitized to violence", as one of my friends suggested of anyone who moves on quickly from such a day, but I will do it for my child. At four years old my daughter has no need to know what happened today. And so I will go thru the next few days as if nothing happened, as if nothing is wrong, as if my mind weren't wandering to that horrific incident time and time again. I will hold back the tears as best I can. I will be forever grateful for my daughter.

And should she overhear anything, from anyone, about what happened, I pray that God would give me the words.

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Dear God,

Lord, we come to You today and ask that You be with the people of Newtown. We ask that You comfort all those directly and indirectly involved with the shooting. We don't understand why these things happen, nor how anyone could ever be comforted in such tragedy, but we do trust in You to do the impossible. Hold them close in their time of need.
Lord I also ask that You guide all of our minds, especially those in law enforcement and education, to find in this a way to protect our children in the future. Let this be used as a learning experience, let some tiny bit of good come from this.
Father, there are not enough words, not the right words, to express what we are all feeling, even thinking. But You know our minds and our hearts. Hear our unspoken.

Amen

You Can't Claim to be Both

One of my friends, who happens to be a SAHM, posts regularly on Facebook about how she does work, she raises her kids, takes care of her house, etc. It is work. She's tired of people saying she doesn't work, SAHMs do work, blah, blah, blah.

Maybe she's getting some flak from someone in her life about not having a paying job. I don't know. I've never heard anyone say anything to her. I've never seen anyone post anything but supportive things in response to her rants. But I'm not around every moment of every day.

Maybe she's feeling guilty about not having a paying job, and is dealing with some of her own internal issues.

I don't know.

What I do know is that she also regularly posts about where she took the kids that day, how they visited her mom, how she took them to have lunch with her husband, how they went to the park.

And this morning's status really got to me, on a personal level: she posted about how cuddling with her kids after breakfast is the best part of her day.

That's awesome. It really is. I think it's great that you have time to cuddle with your kids after breakfast. I think it's awesome that you get to take your kids to the park in the middle of the day & stay as long as you like. I think it's fantastic that you get to visit your mom whenever you feel like it, or have lunch with their dad once a week. I really do think it's great.

I also acknowledge the fact that she (and other SAHMs) work really, really hard to raise their kids, take care of their homes, etc, etc, etc. It is real work. Please don't take anything I say to mean otherwise. It is work. I acknowledge that, and respect the work that SAHMs do.

But the fact is that you do stay at home (hence the term SAHM).
The fact is that you do not have a job that provides income for your family.
The fact is that it is distinctly because of these two things that you have the honor & privilege of enjoying cuddling with your kids as long as you like after breakfast, taking them to the park in the middle of the day  & staying as long as their hearts desire, or visiting your mom for a chat.

There's a reason I take these statements personally.

I take it personally because almost daily my daughter asks me to cuddle in the mornings, and I have to either tell her 'no', or tell her 'only for a few minutes', and then watch the clock like a hawk... because I have a job to get to and don't have the luxury of enjoying extended cuddle time every morning.
I take it personally because today my daughter asked if I could take her to the park after work tonight, and I'm trying to figure out how we can squeeze it in, because I already know I need to stay a bit late at my job tonight, and we're running out of food, so I need to go grocery shopping, so I'm afraid working in a trip to the park probably isn't in the cards at all, and if so, only for a quick 15-20 minutes... because I have a job that takes up the majority of my day.
I take it personally because I adore when I get to visit my parents with my daughter, but those visits are maybe once a month, almost always at the end of a work day, so we don't get much relaxed time to chat... because I have a job that has taken up the beginning of my day.

I take it personally because I can't take my daughter to lunch, we've tried it, because she has too hard of a time saying good-bye to me again in the middle of the day... because I have a job to get back to.

You may think that being called a SAHM is somehow an insult, is somehow a sneaky way of saying that you "don't work", but it's not. It's a way to acknowledge the amazing life that you are honored to lead. Stop selling yourself short by trying to justify your existence.

Stop devaluing the time you are privileged enough to get to spend with your family by insisting on getting credit as a "working" mom.

And stop devaluing my contributions to my family by insisting that you're a working mom too.

Because you're not.
Just as I don't know the challenges of being a SAHM, and would never try to claim to, it's time to admit that you don't know the challenges of being a working mom, so stop trying to claim that too. Either you're a SAHM, or you're not. The lives of SAHMs and Working Moms are distinctly different. You can't claim to be both.

On Having it All

With the announcement of Yahoo's newest CEO, there's been a lot of talk about whether or not women can truly "have it all".

I suppose some of it may depend on your definition of "having it all".

Is it possible for a woman to have a successful career and still be a good mom? Yes, I believe that it is.

But the truth is I don't think anyone can truly have it all, male or female.

There will always be choices to make, items to prioritize, things that fall by the wayside.

You make a choice. You decide what your priority is, and why. And you have to be good with that.

Whether you are working because you have to, or because you want to, it's all about choices. And no matter what yours is, you have to reach a point in your life where you are at peace with the decisions you're making.

It doesn't mean you won't feel the tug from one side or another on occasion. Or every day. It just means that you know why you're doing what you're doing, and you're good with that.

I've written on here before about how much I struggle being a working mom.

The truth is I love being a mom. Love it. Believe it is my calling in life.

But I also like my job. For the most part I enjoy the work that I do, and I enjoy working with the people that I do. I also make decent pay, and have great benefits.

Due to recent organizational changes, there is a pretty good opportunity to begin climbing the corporate ladder. We have multiple positions to fill, new groups to create. I have the qualifications to fill more than one of thoes.

It would be a promotion, more money, and even better benefits.

FireMan thinks I should try.

I'm not.

I'm making a choice.

The truth is, each of these postions requires greater responsibility than I have now, each of them has the potential for anywhere from 5%-80% travel, they all require overtime, and most of them will deal regularly with critical issues.

I have seen people in these positions go on one-night trips, only to have to stay for a week. I've seen these people jump up from their seats at the office, to go home & pack a bag because they have to leave right now.

It doesn't happen often, but it happens enough to not be weird.
While my children are young, and as long as my husband has a job with shifts where he is gone overnight, I cannot in good conscious be in one of those positions.

There's a reason where the vast majority of the members in our group have spouses who stay home with the kids. It's not just a luxury, it verges on necessity.

Do I have a desire for greater responsibility? Yes.
Would I like to travel for work? Yes.
Do I have interest in their areas of expertise? Yes.
Do I think I have the capability to do their jobs? Yes.

Just not right now.

Right now, motherhood comes first. Okay, not right now, but always.
But right now, I have a young child at home, and because I make her my priority, I could not be successful in a position which required so much of me.

Could I do it? Yes.
Could I do a good job at that position? Not at the moment. At least not up to my own standards.

Are there other positions open within the company that might not be so difficult to transition to? Possibly.

But I'm not looking. Er... rather, I'm looking for future possibilities. Areas I'm interested in, jobs I would like to have. Someday.

And I've told my supervisor that I'd like to transition to more project work, more responsibility. I've told him that I would be looking for a promotion in a few years.

I'm making a choice. I am a working mom, but I am choosing to be home with my child every night. I am choosing not to regularly leave her at preschool for 10+ hours a day. I am choosing to not subject her to the instability of both of her parents performing critical jobs that could alter her daily life at any moment.

I am choosing to stay in a job with less responsibility, so that I have the wherewithall to dedicate myself sufficiently to my tasks, and can do my job well instead of doing poorly at a job with greater responsibility.

At this rate, It's highly unlikely I'll ever be the CEO. If I happen to stay here for the remainder of my working career, at this stage in the game I'll likely never be higher than a Manager, and that would be pushing it.

And that's okay.

I'm making a choice.

And I'm good with that.

Maybe that's what "having it all" is really all about. Or maybe it should be.

I don't wanna be crazy (anxiety related)

I haven't had any serious anxiety in well over a year. Prior to that, my anxiety seemed primarily to be a symptom of my post-partum illness(es).

Until earlier this week.

Sunday night I laid in bed for(what seemed like)ever. Every creak, every noise I was certain someone was trying to break in to kidnap Jena.

I laid there, half of my brain certain my child was in immediate danger, the other half trying to convince myself that I was being completely irrational.

I debated going in and scooping up my sleeping really heavy now that she's a preschooler baby and bringing her in to sleep with me.

Like I may have done on occasion in years past when I was convinced someone was trying to kidnap my child in the middle of the night.

Neither side of my brain ever won that argument. Exhaustion won. I finally passed out in bed, still arguing over myself whether or not my child was in imminent danger, or I was being irrational.

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The next night, the same anxiety. Different issue though.

At the last minute (9pm) my sister-in-law called to ask if Jena could come over for an impromptu sleepover, and then go swimming the next day.

Who am I to say 'no' to an aunt who wants to indulge her niece in some summertime fun?

We said good-bye to a way-too-excited little girl around 10pm, and headed to bed shortly thereafter.

I laid awake in bed (again). I couldn't shake my worry that Jena was in danger.

I didn't even realize I'd asked the question aloud until Jason answered.

"Do you think she's okay?"

"She'll be fine"

This time I couldn't envision a scenario, but at the same time I couldn't shake the thought that my daughter was not safe.

My mind began its battle again.

Exhaustion was again the victor.

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I hope no one out there with clinical anxiety takes offense to this, but:

I don't wanna be crazy.

I've seen and dealt with family members who struggle with it. I know what it's like from my extended bout of post partum illness.

I don't want to deal with this for the rest of my life. I don't want to have to be medicated to feel normal. Or to sleep at night.Or just to get the scary thoughts out of my head.

Even though prior to my post partum illness I had never struggled with any form of mental illness myself, I have family members that have.

Which I know (now) increased my risk for developing PPD.

And increases the chances that my PPD will trigger a life long struggle with mental illness.

All I know, is that right now I want to understand what's going on. Why did these episodes occur now, seemingly out of the blue? What does it mean?

Parenting Don'ts... that I did

or maybe still do.

Because we're all just doing our best.

Because judging one another needs to stop.

Because if I looked hard enough, I could find something to judge you for.

Not that I've ever intentionally hid any of these, but I'm letting them go, being upfront and honest, and telling you that I'm doing the best I can, just like you.

Flame away if you must.

********************

- I got my hair dyed while I was pregnant.
I couldn't find any reliable research to say that it would do anything to harm the baby, so heck yeah, I covered my gray.

- I let Jena play outside. By herself.
If you count 'with four dogs' by herself. I check on her every few minutes.

- I let Jena play in the bath by herself.
Once I get done washing her, if she's not ready to get out within a few minutes, I leave the bathroom. I pick up random crap around the house, walking past the bathroom and poking my head in every couple of minutes.

- We totally follow the 5 second rule in our house.
And sometimes extend it to ten.

- I rarely washed my hands when Jena was a newborn.
Oh, after the potty & before eating sure. But I figured she should be exposed to "family" germs, so never really bothered in between those events.

- I feed Jena all kinds of sugar & preservatives & fast food. And very little organic.
She also eats lots of veggies, and fruit, and whole grains. Whatever.

- I have spanked Jena
And smacked her hand. It's rare, but it has happened.

- I don't follow the pediatrician's recommendation on shots.
Nor do we skip all vaccinations. Nor do we follow Dr. So-and-So's modified vaccination schedule. I researched every individual vaccine myself and we have followed a modified schedule of our own, making our own judgement on what is best for our daughter, instead of following blanket advice from either side of the table.

- I just found out that five years ago the FDA recommended no cold medicine for kids under the age of 6.
Meh.

- We didn't really childproof the house.
But I've already written about that.

- Jena's car seat got turned around before she turned one year old.
Not much before, but she had outgrown the height & weight requirement & had good control of her head. She's moved to each level of seat restraint sooner than the recommended age, but never before the required height & weight. And we follow requirements for both Kentucky & Ohio, since we travel frequently in both.

- similarly, I think putting a child's age on a safety requirement is stupid.
Other than for infants (because you have the whole head-control thing), it makes much more sense to use a combination of height & weight. Some children are big, some are small. Going by an age will make no actual impact on their safety. Going by height & weight will. Needless to say, I ignore the age thing.

- I could have breastfed longer than I did.
But I had extremely low supply (3-4 oz per day) and spending all that time pumping for one feeding a day seemed like a waste. Bring on the formula.

- I let Jena sleep on her belly.
Once she got up the strength, she kept flipping herself over anyway.

- I skipped tummy time
While she loved to sleep on her belly, she hated being awake on her belly. Would scream incessantly till you picked her up. Seriously. I have one such session on tape. It was torture for everyone involved. So after about the 3rd or 4th time, I stopped.

- Jena never slept in our bed as an infant.
She slept in a bassinet next to our bed for about 2 weeks. Then we gradually started moving her farther away. She was in her crib overnight by 6 weeks of age.

- We let Jena cry it out.
As an infant. And thru preschooler-hood. As in now. I self-imposed a 20 minute time limit when she was an infant, which we still hold to, but she rarely went that long. Like maybe twice in her life. She also slept thru the night (6+ hours) by six weeks of age.

- I changed the kitty litter while I was pregnant.
Jason wasn't doing it, and I wasn't getting rid of the cat, so...

- When she was little, I rarely slept when she slept
I felt like I got more out of showering during at least one of those times.

- We went on our first post-baby "date" when she was less than 2 weeks old
It was our first anniversary. We went to lunch & a matinee. My mother-in-law watched her. She was fine. So were we.

- We went on our first "no baby" vacation when she was less than a year old.
We won a dive cruise. In the Bahamas. She stayed with my parents. She was fine. So were we.

- I praise my daughter religiously
I tell her she's awesome, smart, funny, kind, amazing, and beautiful multiple times a day.

- I still let Jena drink from a sippy.
She's nearly four. She can drink from a regular cup just fine. But walking around the house, or on the go, a sippy is safer for my floors, my furniture, and my sanity.

- I still ask Jena if she wants a paci. If she asks for it, I give it.
She's never been addicted, and it's better for her teeth than sucking on her fingers (which she tries to do).

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So there you have it. My list of "don'ts" that I so did. Or still do.

What about you? What have you done "wrong" as a parent?

As always, thanks for checking in!

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this post inspired by this post

Eight Fears

1. Abandonment

2. Falling

3. Drowning

4. Fire

5. Raccoons

6. Clowns

7. Not being good enough

8. Something happening to my child

If we're gonna be friends...

... you should probably know a few things about me upfront. I'd hate for you to be surprised later, and then have to break off our friendship, and then we're all upset about it and stuff.

So, here, in no particular order, are some things about me that you may (or may not) find to be a dealbreaker:

- I'm a Christian. I believe Christ is the only way to Heaven.

- I have a husband and a kid. They are my earthly priority, and as much as I'd like to spend loads of time with you and give you my undivided attention when they're around, that's probably not gonna happen. At least not until Jena is much, much older.

- I'm not a big fan of little dogs. I tolerate them, but they annoy me. Dogs should be big.
    related: I will not treat your dog like a baby. I loves me some pets, but they're animals, not infant humans.

- My memory is not good. I blame a lingering "mom-brain". Or my advanced age. If only I could remember when it started... The point is I may completely blank out on important stuff... like your name... even if I've known you for years. Sorry.

- I don't like beer. At all. Nor do I plan on drinking a beverage until it "grows on me" as some have suggested. I'm not sure why this bothers some people, but it does. I find all beer yucky.

- I'm slightly OCD. And by "slightly" I mean I'm OCD but I do a pretty good job of not letting it affect those around me. Unless you're my husband. Or my daughter. But I will straighten the towels in the bathroom. Yes... your bathroom.

- I have a strange need for air. Which shouldn't seem weird, but apparently I need more air flow than most. Or at least, more than my husband. But I actually get physically ill if there's not enough air circulating so I tend to do things like turn the air up in the car and/or roll down a window, even if it's cold. I just need air, 'kay?

- I don't like to dance. Inviting me to anywhere-that-requires-dancing is basically asking me to stand against a wall for extended periods of time. Sometimes I'm okay with that, but I am not okay with you guilting me to join you on the dance floor.

- I'm a night owl. I am actually most productive between the hours of 10pm & 2am. Except I have a job now, and a kid. So having fun between those hours doesn't happen much anymore.
    related: I am not a morning person. I am grumpy and unreasonably hateful when I first wake up. You're better to leave me alone until I've warmed up to the day.
    related: I hate coffee. Even flavored coffees. I've tried the "sweetest" (using that term loosely), and it's still way too bitter for me.

- I tend to run late to things. Especially things that are scheduled in the morning (see above). Even things I think are important. I never used to, and have psycho-analyzed why I can't seem to be on time now, but that's much longer than will fit in this post.

- I don't like seafood. Unless you count canned tuna. But most people don't. I also don't like oriental food (Chinese, Thai, Japanese, etc). I've found a very few items that I like in those cuisines, but not enough for me to pay for an entire meal that I'm not likely to eat. So if you plan on eating there a lot, I'm out.

- I have a 1st shift, 9-5ish job. This means that no, I cannot meet you in the middle of the week in mid-morning. If you wanna get together, it'll have to be an evening or weekend.

I think that completes the list. Well, the list of things I can think of right now that some people might be disturbed to realize later. I'm sure there are other things about me that might annoy the heck out of you as well, but I guess those we'll just have to wait to stumble upon later.

As always, thanks for checking in!

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This post inspired by this post.

She is an Individual Worthy of Being Noticed

Kids.

Children.

Wee ones.

People.

One thing I've noticed since I became a parent is how many people dismiss Jena because she's a child, because she's small, because she's "too young".

She is a child, she's small, and she's young. But she's still a person.

She has feelings, ideas, thoughts, needs, wants... she's a person.

And as a person, she's entitled to a little bit of respect, a little bit of acknowledgement, understanding, compassion.

She doesn't deserve to be ignored because she's young, she deserves to be listened to, recognized, and tended to because she's young.

It amazes me how many people don't even seem to see her, I mean really see her, as her own individual.

As soon as she could talk, she'd repeat things to me that she "wasn't supposed to hear" from others. Although I can't figure out how she wasn't supposed to hear them, since she was in the same room when they were having the conversation.

Now, at age three, she is intelligent, bright, and more than able to carry on a conversation. Her speech is clear. She talks in full sentences. She wants to tell you things, wants to engage with you.

Yet all too often her conversations with other adults go something like this:

Jena: "Guess what?"

Adult:  "Yes, it was good to see you today"

Jena:  "Guess what?!?"

Adult:  "It sure was neat to get to see your chickens"

Jena:  "GUESS WHAT?!?"

Adult:  "I had a really good time too."

Jena:  "You are not listening to me"

Adult:  "Your shirt looks really pretty too"

That's a paraphrase composite of conversations I've heard my daughter have all too often.

Her speech is clear, not just to me as her mommy, but her teacher confirms that her speech is the clearest of all her age in class (goodbye speech delay!).

She clearly has something she wants to share with these people, something important to her, and they don't even hear her. It's as if they can't fathom that someone so young would have ideas of their own, would be able to carry on a conversation, would be deserving of their attention, would need you to engage with them.

It happens far too often.

And as her mother, it angers me.

I've seen it too many times. I've tried to gently bring to the adult's attention what they were doing, but to no avail.

It happened again at Christmastime. Her Christmas list consisted of a parrot pillow and clothes. That's it. Oh, I threw in a few other toys for good measure that I thought she'd enjoy, but time & time again some adult would tell me that Jena "didn't really mean it", that surely she wanted more toys, or books.

I'd tell them to ask her what she wanted for Christmas. They would. She'd say "parrot pillow and clothes". They'd giggle and shake their heads as if she were being silly, then ask me to find out what she really wants and let them know.

Because clearly my child must not have thoughts of her own, must not know what she really wants, must need an adult to guide her to the toy aisle.

My child has no problem finding the toy aisle, thankyouverymuch.

She just really wanted clothes. And a parrot pillow. Period.

Oh sure, none of these are major issues. Restaurants in our area have yet to ban children.  Nothing like that. But thousands of little incidents, telling Jena that she is insignificant, that her thoughts don't matter, that she is not as important as others... they add up.

She is young, and she is learning, and she is soaking this all in.

And I will do what I can to let her know that she is important, that her ideas do matter, that her opinions count, that she is an individual that is worthy of being noticed. I will do what I can to off-set what she absorbs from these others. I am her mother, and I will do my best to instill in her a sense that she matters.

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This post inspired by another blogpost

Well Hello, Cold-Air-Induced-Cough-Variant-Asthma...

... or whatever it is you actually are.

But cold air induced, cough variant asthma is the best diagnosis any doctor, other person, or internet has ever given me. Suggested by a co-worker, I spent way-too-much time trying to find information on the internet. There wasn't much. But it's a much better fit than the "I don't know" that most doctors have given me.

Every winter I have severe coughing fits. Severe as in people who aren't familiar with them will ask me (seriously) if I need them to call for help, or if I am dying.

For me, they are just a part of life. See, I had my first major coughing fit when I was nine months old. I was hospitalized for it, before given a diagnosis of bronchitis, a diagnosis that would follow me for the rest of my life, but that I no longer believe to be accurate.

These fits start right about the first cold spell of the year, and end with the last. I mean, I don't have them every single day of the winter, but... enough.

The longest run that I remember was the year in my early 20s when they started in September and lasted thru March. That was a rough year.

And this happening-during-the-winter thing resulted in me being wrongly diagnosed with an allergy to "furnace dust" (whatever that is) for several years when I was a child. Although I see why it sorta made sense - they started about the time the furnace had to be turned on, and stopped right about the time it got warm enough to turn it off.

During my school days I usually ended up missing at least a week-ish of school during the winter months, but it was really more due to exhaustion than the actual coughing, as to get any sleep at all I have to sleep sitting up, which isn't truly restful, and after doing that for weeks... well, something's gotta give.

And that's where I found myself about a month ago. In the middle of my first coughing fit spell of the year, I spent four of the five nights sleeping sitting up in the recliner. And ready to pass out by mid-afternoon. It's exhausting.

But I digress. I do continue to work (in [many] years past school), as my parents came to realize early on that whatever this is, doesn't appear to be contagious, as no one, no one, around me has ever gotten it, including family or close friends. Ever.

And since I went to the same fairly small school for K thru 12, it means that the staff was fairly familiar too, so no one ever tried to send me home. At least not that I recall.

What it does mean though, is that throughout the winter months, if I happen to catch so much as a sniffle, I'm done for. For weeks. So yes, I am that person that gets really annoyed when people come to work snotting all over telephones and door handles. Because your minor cold will set me back for weeks.

Anywho... asthma does run in my family. Like, the normal kind anyway. So the asthma thing does kinda make sense. And having had pleurosy twice during frigid winter months and being told that my lungs are sensitive to cold air and I should make sure I'm breathing through a scarf when walking in freezing temperatures... well, that seems to back up the cold-air-induced thing. And clearly it would have to be cough-variant, as the only sort of wheezing involved is when the coughing fit lasts so long that I am sucking in air to fill my lungs back up.

Random, but have you ever coughed so hard that your body bends into itself, so when the coughs repeat you almost look like you're having some weird seizure? No? Just me? Moving on then...

Oh, and while advice is appreciated, because I understand their good intentions, telling me to take cough syrup or Nyquil... well, I mean... c'mon, do you seriously think that in 34 years I never thought of that? The fact is that cough suppressants of any type have minimal, if any, effect. Honestly I'm better off taking a sleeping pill to get some rest, than trying to contain the cough at all.

But, in reality, the fact is that I am blessed. Oh sure, this really sucks. But at the same time, like I mentioned before, for me it's really just a way of life. The only time it really sucks is when people stare at me, or when it truly interrupts others' lives, like my family.

But luckily my husband and my daughter both sleep like rocks. So that's not really an issue most of the time. And all of my family, and friends who have been around long enough, realize what it is and how to ignore it because no, I am not gonna die. And most of my co-workers have been there long enough to realize that not only am I not contagious, it sounds worse than it is, and no, I am not gonna die.

So, for the most part, it is simply an annoyance for me for a few months of the year. And an occasional embarrassment, when I come across someone who is not familiar with my condition (whatever it actually is).

The only thing I do worry about is FireGirl. It appears that she has inherited this condition (whatever it really is). The good thing is that for her, it appears to be much better controlled when we keep the temp in the house at least 72 degrees during the winter months. Which is much warmer than we did before she came along, and raises our heating bill a bit, but well worth it.

Of course, that only adds to the cold-air-induced theory, doesn't it?

So that's that. And now you know a little bit more about me. Thanks for checking in.

Hunny, I am not "just" anything (edited)

originally posted in July 2009

The word, "just", can be such an awful, degrading word. By injecting that simple, little word in to the sentence, you decrease the value of what or whom you are talking about.

The truth of the matter is that none of us are "just" anything.

In the workplace, those of us that are in support positions, usually lower on the totem pole, are generally taking care of the things that make it possible for those higher on the totem pole to do their work effectively.

That's right. "Just" admins keep your office operating smoothly.

In a family setting, being "just" a mom means that you are holding what is quite possibly the greatest responsibility in the world. Literally. You are raising the next generation of people that will eventually take over this world. You are raising a human being. Think about it... What an enormous task!

Being "just" a wife means that you have committed your life to another person, for life. That, in and of itself, is worthy of applause. Add to that the fact that you are your husband's primary support on his journey thru life, and being "just" a wife takes on a lot more consequence.

Being "just" a girl means... what? That people like you make up over half of the world's population? That you are a person with endless possibilities for the future? Being a girl is awesome.

And yes, so is being a boy.

Being "just" a child means that you have your entire life ahead of you, and the time to make it whatever you want it to be. The possibilities are endless. No child should ever feel like he is "just a kid".

By the way, we all have our lives ahead of us, to make it into whatever we want it to be.

Besides all that, we all hold many titles. Let's see. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a niece, a granddaughter, a cousin, a friend, an employee, a coworker, a volunteer, a blogger, a scuba-diver, a coupon-clipper, a pet owner, a trumpet player, etc, etc, etc. The list could go on & on & on. As it could for each of us. You see, I am not "just" anything. I am everything.

And so are you.

Observations from the County Health Department (and Clinic)

*note* these are my observations, nothing more. Observations from the very little interaction I have had with the local county health department. Those with more experience in this area may find that these observations hold true... or not. They're just my observations.

I had to go to the health department this morning to have some paperwork filled out.

My first observation is demographic in nature. During the time that I was there, here are the family demographics (I would say patient demographics, but I don't want to make assumptions as to which family member was the actual patient):

Of the family-groups as a whole:

89% were white

11% were Latin American

56% were there with families that included small children

44% were there alone

100% appeared to be healthy (no runny noses, sick looks, etc)

Of the families with small children:

60% of the children were infants

20% of the children were toddlers

20% of the children were school-aged, but younger than pre-teen

50% had both parents there

50% were mothers with small children (father not present)

Of the people there alone:100% were women

50% appeared to be in their late teens / early 20s

25% appeared to be in their mid-30s

25% were senior citizens

Some notes about the office:

As someone who spent four years working in medical offices, I would like to say that it was run as a model of... inefficiency.

Whether this is due to budget cuts / staffing shortages, inefficient procedure practices, ineffective employees, staff being bound by governmental red tape, systems issues... well, I don't have nearly enough experience to tell you why. I can only tell you that it appeared to be incredibly inefficient, and I was not nearly the most frustrated person there.

First, there was my experience when I scheduled my appointment. I was told to call the day before to "make sure the staff will be there" for my appointment, and that there was still a chance I could show up and the staff I needed to see wasn't there. This is ludicrous. Do I really need to explain why?

Secondly, I had to see four different people to get one form filled out. It went something like this:
        See person #1 - go sit in lobby
        See person #2 - go sit in lobby
        See person #3 - go sit in lobby
        See person #4 - free to leave
And person #4 gave me the impression that normal procedures would have had me seeing yet another person, but she decided to "go ahead & take care of it" for me, so I could leave.

And it's not just me. Just in the time I was there, 56% of patients were called up to a cubicle (hey, it's a clinic remember) or back in a room only to come back out to the lobby to sit and wait to be called again later.

Then there was the timing issue. I had an 8am appointment. According to the person who scheduled me, and the sign on the door, the first appointment of the day.

I got there at 7:50am
Saw person #1 at 8:05 am
       person #2 at 8:15am
       person #3 at 8:25am
       person #4 at 8:35am

Fairly even increments, but my point is: should it really take 30 minutes for someone to get one form filled out? I did not need an exam. Just a form. Four lines, to be exact. Thirty minutes? Not just for the patient's sake, but for the staff as well? for the rest of the patients? for efficiency's sake?

Each person did their job fairly quickly. It was the wait in-between. What is that about? Why four people at all? And apparently, normally five people? Do we really need a five-person procedure to fill out four lines for one patient?

Do you know, when I called to make my appointment, she flat-out told me that I really wanted an 8am appointment, because if I come at any time other than first appointment of the day, I can expect to be there for a couple of hours, "at least". She actually said that.

That's a problem.

Again, I don't know the "why" behind this. Maybe they are bound by governmental policy / procedure. Maybe they are short-staffed. Maybe... whatever.

All I know, is this is a problem

I heard the frustrations of parents who were asked to fill out the same forms that they "just did two days ago", saw the tiredness on everyone's faces as on mother muttered "I hate this place".

But... beneath it all... there was also quiet. Smiles. Friendliness. And somehow, I couldn't help but feel a sense of gratitude coming from the patients there.

Despite the problems, the imperfections, the inefficiencies... the fact is that we live in a place where in the God forbid that something happens to us, we can get health care for our children. And I was simultaneously so very thankful that we didn't need to use a place like the clinic, and very grateful that such a place existed.

Because you really never know when that might be you.

And it renewed afresh the feeling in my heart that God is leading me to serve in a very specific way. I've been feeling this tug for a while now. A long while really. Looked into it months ago, but kept running into dead ends. Perhaps just signs the timing was wrong? I suppose we shall see. FireMan & I have already talked about it. We need now just to take the steps to start the process.

Nope. Not sharing any more. Yet.

Coping with Jason being gone so much

So... on one of the message boards I frequent it looks like I finally got something right. Quite frankly, I know I tend to be a bit... unorthodox? in some of my thoughts / advice, so I tend to get flamed more than I get agreed with. At least on those boards. Which is why I don't post as often as I used to.

But last week someone posted with how to cope as a working mother with a husband who is gone a lot, and my response got quoted in almost every subsequent reply, not to flame me, but to agree with me! I was shocked!

And so, since apparently in this case people actually think I know what I'm talking about, I decided to re-post that advice here on my blog, and go ahead and expound on it as well.

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As a fire wife, one of the struggles is being home alone. A lot. Feeling like a single mom. A lot.

In fact, I have a whole new respect for single moms. And for military wives / moms. Because I know how hard it is with as much as Jason is gone, and I can't imagine being on my own all the time, or until he came home on leave.

It's important that you voice your frustrations to him. Not in a I'm-pissed-at-you-way, but in a I'm-frustrated-and-I'm-struggling-way.
He needs to know what you're going thru.

This is also a good time to ask him what his frustrations are with his schedule. Like missing out on kids' milestones, not playing with them as much, not enough date nights with you, etc.

It's important that the two of you at least try to understand where both of you are coming from, because you are both in very different positions.

You're not in the normal two-income family, where both parents leave in the morning, and both parents come home every night, Monday thru Friday.

He's spending nights away from home, having dinner, spending time, and sleeping with other people, while you take care of the kids and the house by yourself after putting in a full day of work.

He doesn't have a "weekend", as his shift includes Saturdays and Sundays. He'll work holidays too, leaving you to handle the celebrations alone.

This creates stress and frustrations for each of you, but you each have a different kind of frustration.
He has the frustration of not being there, and you have the frustration of being there alone. It's very different, so you must communicate.

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Being in a situation where your spouse is gone much of the time, well... it sucks. It just does.

As far as taking care of the children, and the house, (and this is the part I thought I was going to get flamed for, but almost everyone said I "hit the nail on the head"):

Things became much simpler for me when I just took Jason out of the equation, when it comes to taking care of the house and Jena.

You just do it yourself. If you need a sitter for some reason, you take care of arranging it, and you do what you need to do. You do all the daycare drop-offs and pick-ups, even if he's home. You plan on doing all of the housework, even if it's his off day. You handle all of the feedings, all of the baths. You feed all the pets, clean all of the poop (pet & baby - ha!).

Keep him in the loop on everything, but just accept it as what you have to do so he can do what he has to do.

This has really helped me / us. It doesn't make the actual work any easier, but it eases a lot of frustration because I don't feel I'm counting on him to do something that he's just not going to do.

And then when he does volunteer to take care of something, it's like a bonus. For everyone.

And that lowers everyone's stress level.

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But you need to realize & accept that you can't do everything. Prioritize what's most important. Obviously taking care of your child(ren) is a must, but other housework, chores, etc.... prioritize, and do the top things first, even if they're inconvenient or unpleasant.

Give it some time & figure out what you can reasonably do in a day, a week, etc. Then talk to your husband and see if he can pick up some of the rest.

If that's just not a possibility, then your choices are paying someone to do it (ie. housework), or it just not getting done (ie. housework), or not getting done as frequently as you'd like (ie. housework).

Guess you can tell what doesn't get done at our house, huh?  (ie. housework - ha!)

And you both have to accept that. Because it's reality.

You can't beat yourself up because after working a full day outside the home, taking care of the kid(s) by yourself, and the putting another couple of hours of housework in before bed, you're still not "done".

He can't come home expecting a clean & tidy house, perfectly stocked cupboard, and dinner on the table after you've been working full days outside of the home, doing all (or the vast majority) of the childcare yourself, and all (or the vast majority) of the housework yourself.

It's not physically possible.

Oh, you might have a mountaintop moment once in a while, but it's unreasonable for either of you to expect things to be maintained at that level.

## side note - I determined my top priorities to be: laundry, grocery shopping, and doing the dishes. I figured if I could keep clean clothes on my family, food for them to eat, and clean dishes for them to eat off of, then I was doing pretty well. The rest I look at as bonus. ##

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As far as scheduling goes, we recently started keeping a shared Google Calendar, that I can access at work & home, and he can access on his Droid. This has helped immensely when it comes to scheduling even the little things.

I can see when is shifts are (because even though they are every 3rd day, like clockwork, I still cannot keep that straight in my head), when he has extra things to do, etc.
He can see when I've made plans and he needs to be home (after I've told / asked him, of course).
It's an easy, quick reference that we can both access at just about any time.

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He's doing what he feels he needs to do to provide for his family financially, and even if he might be willing to look at another career path eventually, well, it's not going to happen overnight.

So you just have to come to terms within yourself with the reality of your situation, as it is at this moment, and deal with it in the best way you can.

You make it work. You do what you need to do, and you make it work for your family.

It's not fun. It's not glamourous. It sucks. And sometimes it really, really sucks.

But you do it. You make it work.

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And there it is. My advice on how to handle your husband being gone so much.

Honestly, it's a constant struggle for me as well. Which is probably why I've never bothered to offer my advice in blog-form before.

But apparently, according to said message board readers, I actually have some good experience in this area, and am doing something right, even if I feel like I'm still struggling.

Maybe the struggle is just part of the "it sucks", huh?

Thanks for reading! And hopefully this will help someone out there get a handle on things!

I want more babies. My husband doesn't.

This has been a hot topic around our household lately.

We discussed children, including numbers, early on in our dating relationship, realizing that this topic could be a dealbreaker.

Jason wanted two. I wanted more, maybe three or four, but also realized that I wasn't getting any younger, so felt like two was... reasonable.

After having Jena, however, we've gone in completely opposite directions.

Jason is done having kids. He is happy with one, and doesn't want any more.

I... could easily & happily be a Duggar if we could manage it. Seriously. Give me 20 kids. And counting.

This... is a problem.

We can't figure out how to resolve this issue. Basically, one of us will get what we want, while the other is left... less than happy about it.

Basically one of us gets screwed.

And this is a BIG issue, right? I mean, it's kids. Does it get any bigger than that in a marriage?

I feel like my heart is breaking for another child. The ache in my chest is so familiar from when I wanted marriage & a family and it didn't seem possible. It's the same ache.
I honestly don't feel like our family is complete. I feel like there is still a piece missing.
And I hurt for more babies.
I'm not done yet. I'm just not.

While my stance is taken in my heart, Jason's is more in his head. He's not totally opposed to at least one more child. He just doesn't see how it would work, logistically. Two kids in daycare. One being a newborn. I think he's as uncomfortable as I am with putting a newborn in a daycare center, but my parents won't be available this time around, and certainly not for two children. In fact, he's made the statement several times that he would be willing to have more children if I could be a stay-at-home-mom. Which isn't in the cards just yet.

Neither of us wants to force a decision on the other, just for our own happiness.

But neither of us wants to be the one getting screwed either.

And it's not like it's an issue you can compromise on. You can't exactly have half a kid.

Or something you can do on a trial basis.
Okay hunny, we'll have one more kid, but if you're not happy with two kids, I promise to send this one back.Nope. Doesn't work that way.

And it's not like either decision is more right or more wrong than the other, you know? Just different. We both agree that neither decision is going to be better or worse for our family. They just create different scenarios.

So how do you decide?

One of my fears is that by the time we make a decision, if we do decide to have more children, then we will have waited too long and then I won't be physically able to have anymore children.

Let's face it, I'm no spring chicken. Especially when it comes to babymaking. I am dangerously close to the so-old-that-you're-automatically-a-high-risk-pregnancy-just-because-you're-so-old line. Seriously close to that line.

And... one of the reasons we started trying to conceive so soon after our wedding date is because we both have been told by doctors in the past to expect fertility issues. We fully expected it to take longer to conceive. Had the whole when-to-revisit-the-OB, and then when-to-see-the-fertility-specialist dates all mapped out.
It is by God's grace that we conceived Jena on our 2nd cycle trying. And I am acutely aware that just because we conceived so quickly with her, doesn't mean that she's not our "miracle baby", doesn't mean that we don't have actual fertility issues that just haven't been found yet.
We haven't been promised anything, you know?

So... much like this topic in our household, this post has no conclusion, just filled with my rambling thoughts on the subject.

Thanks for checking in!

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because this is my #1 most viewed post (as of Jan 2013, and pretty much since it posted), I feel like I should link here to an update. So I am.
Read update on this issue here.