Until earlier this week.
Sunday night I laid in bed for(what seemed like)ever. Every creak, every noise I was certain someone was trying to break in to kidnap FireGirl.
I laid there, half of my brain certain my child was in immediate danger, the other half trying to convince myself that I was being completely irrational.
I debated going in and scooping up my sleeping
Like I may have done on occasion in years past when I was convinced someone was trying to kidnap my child in the middle of the night.
Neither side of my brain ever won that argument. Exhaustion won. I finally passed out in bed, still arguing over myself whether or not my child was in imminent danger, or I was being irrational.
The next night, the same anxiety. Different issue though.
At the last minute (9pm) my sister-in-law called to ask if FireGirl could come over for an impromptu sleepover, and then go swimming the next day.
Who am I to say 'no' to an aunt who wants to indulge her niece in some summertime fun?
We said good-bye to a way-too-excited little girl around 10pm, and headed to bed shortly thereafter.
I laid awake in bed (again). I couldn't shake my worry that FireGirl was in danger.
I didn't even realize I'd asked the question aloud until FireMan answered.
"Do you think she's okay?"
"She'll be fine"
This time I couldn't envision a scenario, but at the same time I couldn't shake the thought that my daughter was not safe.
My mind began its battle again.
Exhaustion was again the victor.
I hope no one out there with clinical anxiety takes offense to this, but:
I don't wanna be crazy.
I've seen and dealt with family members who struggle with it. I know what it's like from my extended bout of post partum illness.
I don't want to deal with this for the rest of my life. I don't want to have to be medicated to feel normal. Or to sleep at night.Or just to get the scary thoughts out of my head.
Even though prior to my post partum illness I had never struggled with any form of mental illness myself, I have family members that have.
Which I know (now) increased my risk for developing PPD.
And increases the chances that my PPD will trigger a life long struggle with mental illness.
All I know, is that right now I want to understand what's going on. Why did these episodes occur now, seemingly out of the blue? What does it mean?