Speaking Life

A few years ago I attended a women's conference where I was introduced to the idea of "speaking life". Even though I was not yet a parent, the speaker's revelation about choosing to speak life instead of death in regards to her children had me intrigued. The idea that there is power in our words and we should be intentional about the words we speak because they themselves have authority in our lives.

Because we were at a church conference, I was especially intrigued because despite growing up in a Christian home, this was a new concept to me, one I hadn't heard before.

And so I searched the Bible, but came up with no direct ties. There are no verses (that I have found) that specifically use the words "speak life" or "speak death" or anything thereof.

What I did find was quite a few references to the concept:

"A fool's mouth is his destruction..."  -- Proverbs 18:7a

"Put away from thee a froward mouth, and perverse lips put far from thee."  -- Proverbs 4:24

"There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health."  -- Proverbs 12:18

and the most direct reference:

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue:..." -- Proverbs 18:21a

There are more than that, but you get the idea.

And so, while I don't profess to be 100% successful at taming every word that leaves my mouth, I have made a conscious effort to only speak life with regards to my child.

Is she perfect? No, of course not. None of us are.
But do I choose to dwell on the good, on the positive, on what she can do, instead of what she can't, on what she excels at instead of what she struggles with? Absolutely.

It's not always easy, especially during some particularly frustrating, ahem, phases she's gone thru (you parents of small children know what I'm talking about), but I do it. I try. I work at it.

And yes, I absolutely believe that both she, and our family as a whole, will be better for it.

I strongly encourage everyone to focus on speaking life into, well... your life. Your loved ones, and yes, even yourself. I mean, it can't hurt, right?

As always, thanks for checking in!

Just as we are

First, follow the link below. Watch the video. Maybe shed a tear. Then come back. Okay? Now, go!

http://www.godvine.com/Meet-the-Scared-Dog-That-Only-Wanted-a-Hug-1087.html

My apologies. I tried to imbed it, but unless I'm missing something you can only embed a video if it's on YouTube. Whatever.

When I watched that video, I couldn't think how much that dog was like all of us. At some point in time, we all find ourselves huddled in a corner, feeling alone, we feel like the world is out to get us. We cry, we yell, sometimes we snap at people, and every great once in a while, we lose our poop.

It happens. We all have these terrifying moments on our journey where we feel abandoned, hopeless, lost. Where we've been hurt so many times that we snap at those who venture in, we do our best to shut them out, convinced that letting them in will only lead to more pain.

And the truth is, all we're waiting for, whether we realize it or not, is for someone to drag us into a place of safety, hug us, and tell us it will all be okay. We're looking for that friend who will love us even in our scared, snappy, I-pooped-myself state, who will meet us there, still covered in poop, and who will say "I don't care. Sit in my lap anyway."

The truth is, we're all looking to be loved, just as we are, in spite of our faults baggage poop, just as we are.

We're hoping that someone will come to us, in the moments before our death, literal or figurative, hours before we're over the edge, and pull us into the safety zone. It's just that sometimes, we're too scared to ask. We need to be dragged into loving arms, held tightly, bathed free of our issues poop, and given another chance to live this life we have to the fullest.

We just want need Love.

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"I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee."  -- Hebrews 13:5b

"for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee."  -- Deuteronomy 31:6b

"Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you."  -- I Peter 5:7

"Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee:"  -- Psalm 55:22a

I had a moment

After we passed the second cycle trying without getting pregnant, I had a moment.

Okay, more like a series of moments that culminated into a thing, but still...

I know, for many out there, second cycle is not very long to be trying to conceive. Indeed, it isn't. But for me it was significant because that is the number of cycles it took to conceive Jena.

I think for the first two cycles I was in this constant sense of anticipatory stress... always waiting, wondering, watching, waiting, preparing, waiting, expecting, waiting...

But once that second cycle passed, there was something significant about knowing it wasn't going to happen as fast this time. I mean, I've known, since forever, in my head, but really getting past that date... something happened.

And I came to this place where I really grasped that we might get pregnant tomorrow, or next month, or next year, or 5 years from now, or... never.

And any one of those is okay.

I've truly reached a place where I am at peace with my child bearing future.

Whether we conceive shortly, or never, or any time in between... I know it's in God's hands and His plan is infinitely more perfect than anything I could imagine.

It's not a place I could have imagined before, to be honest. I don't know how to describe to you what it is like as a woman to not be on any form of birth control, yet not be anxiously waiting for that test date each month, either because we are so wanting a child, or so concerned that this isn't the right time.

It's very freeing, I can tell you that.

Giving it to God

So, you know that financial goal that we're supposed to meet before we start trying? Well, we met it a bit ago.

Ta da!

So now, the big question is exactly when do we TTC? Obviously we didn't rip my Patch off that night, LOL.

I have some other medical stuff going on right now, so current thinking is we'll wait to see how that goes.

We also have a couple of family & relationship milestones coming up, so we've tossed around the idea of waiting until one of those. I guess the idea is it would make it more meaningful.

Although as I type that out it sounds stupid. How much more meaningful than attempting to create life can you get?

And the truth is that we're both nervous. Really nervous. Scared, even.

Jason won't say it, but I think he has a lot of the same fears that I do - will my PPD come back? anxiety? will our marriage weather another child?. I think he also worries about money more than I do. While I don't believe in being stupid, we're in a good position, have met several financial goals, are on the right track, and so... God will provide. I'm definitely much more of a "God will provide" mindset.

The other night I had a moment of doubt. A moment of fear, really. Can I do this? Can we do this?I mean, I'm happy. Ridiculously happy. I adore Jena. I don't ever want anyone (especially her) to think this comes from some place of thinking that she wasn't enough for me. Our family dynamic is good. Financially we are in a great place with only one child. We can give her the world. Having another might change that.

And as all these second thoughts, and fears, and doubts were running thru my mind, I also felt that familiar tug, that pull at my heart telling me our family is not yet complete.

And so, I gave it up.

I talked with God for a bit.

I believe in my heart that there is someone missing from our family. That has not changed over the course of several years. And so, in the near future we will stop our birth control. And give it to God. I asked him that if my heart is correct, and there is someone missing, that He will send us our child. And if not, then not. After all, He is ultimately in control. I told God that if He does bless us with another child, then I will trust His decision, that we can handle this, that everything will be okay, and that He will guide us thru any troubles that might come.

And if He does not see fit to grant us another child, then I will accept that as well. If it takes five years, if it never happens, I will leave it to Him. He knows best. His timing is best.

I am not saying I will not be sad, or disappointed, or confused, if we aren't blessed with another child, simply that I will dwell with peace in my heart, because I have given it to God. He is in control. Not me. Not us. Him.

As sure as I know my name

As much as there is a huge part of me that feels like our family is not yet complete, like there is another tiny soul out there, waiting for us...

there is another part of me that is terrified to go thru my post partum illnesses again, scared that our marital issues will dredge up again with the stress of a newborn, worried that because I struggled so much with one, I'll never be able to handle two.

In my head, I know that there is no reason to think my post partum illnesses will recur, or if they do that they will be as bad or last as long. Especially since now we know in advance what we're up against. But it still scares me.

And I know there is no reason to think our relationship issues will repeat. But then a tiny voice says "but there's no reason not to think that either"

And I know that I have more experience now, a better handle on not just motherhood, but life, and that God won't give me more than I can handle. But I still worry.

But deep down, in my soul, I can feel that our family is not complete. I can't explain it. I don't know how to properly put it into words. I don't know the how's or when's, or even the why's... but I know we are meant to be a family of four. I know it as sure as I know my name.

I really do like our plan as it is

Sometimes I think the universe, nature, fate, God - somebody wants me to have a baby, like NOW.

Now, yes, I want another baby. But since Jason came to me with his announcement, we have a plan. TTC is still a few months away. I'm good with that. I feel that the plan is what is best for our family.

But these things keep happening, and I can't help but start to feel like maybe we're missing the hint giant flashing billboard.

First, there was the whole IUD-expelling-itself thing. That was big.

Then, there was the whole patch-came-off-unexplicably, thought-I-might-be-pregnant thing.

About a month or so after that, I went to get my next month's supply of patches, and the pharmacy informed me I had no more refills, and would need to see my doctor to get a refill.

Except... I wasn't due for my yearly for another 4 months, insurance won't cover it before then, and why didn't I have more refills?!? My Ob writes the script for 12 months at a time!

Pharmacy said their hands were tied, they couldn't do it.

I called my Ob and confirmed that I should have another 4 months on the prescription. They called it in for me, and we scheduled my yearly, & I picked up my birth control... 2 days after I should have started it.

Three months later... I go to pick up next month's supply of patches, and the pharmacy informs me that the insurance isn't paying anything on it, so I owe $90. They say the insurance company didn't deny it, but it shows as processed with a benefit of $0 (they normally cover over $70). Neither Jason nor I want to pay $90.

So I finally figure out that apparently January 1st my pharmacy benefit changed and now we have to use the on-site pharmacy at work (which is pretty cool). The insurance will only cover "emergency" call-ins to other pharmacies, and for no more than a 30-day supply.
When I called my Ob about the Rx, I gave them the number for the on-site pharmacy, but my old pharmacy which was on file, so the insurance covered it, but only for 30 days. When I realized this (which took me about an hour of digging thru my policy, since I can't find a freakin' phone number to call the insurance company directly), I called the on-site pharmacy and asked them to have the Rx transferred there. With any luck this means we'll only be one day late on starting the next cycle of patches, and chances of getting pregnant will be slim to none.
Assuming I'm right on the "why" that is...

I don't know about you, but I'm just really starting to feel like all these things are lining up to push our plan up a few months. Or as soon as possible.

I guess we'll see what happens, but I really do like our plan as it is.

Today is the hardest

Dear Friend;

It has been hard. So hard. I know. As much as I can know, I know.

But if my family's experience at the loss of my father-in-law is any indication, today will be the hardest day.

Today will be long. The visitation, while healing in its own right, is also grueling. Too many hours, too many people, too much standing, not enough water, need-to-pee grueling.

Too many tears, too many hugs, too many loved ones you won't remember tomorrow grueling.

I imagine you awoke early, making final preparations, rushing last minute items to the funeral home, spending a last few moments alone together as a family, getting ready, paying your own respects, before the public arrives.

It will be a long day. A very long day.

And at times it will feel like you can't take anymore, can't hug one more person, can't be there anymore.

And at other times it will feel numb, like your father isn't lying behind you in a casket.  You will shake hands, and hug people while they are crying, and for a few moments you will feel nothing.

And then a glance to your dad, or catching eyes with someone across the room, or a brief clip of music catches your ear, and the tears will come again.

It will be a very long day.

But there is tomorrow.

Tomorrow you will have the funeral service. Tomorrow you will bury your dad.

It will be quieter. Fewer people. More private. There will be time for you to speak, to say your peace, to say your good-byes.

It will still be hard, but unlike the grueling nature of today, there is peace in the quiet of tomorrow's ceremony. There is a strange sort of peace at the finality of it.

And the next day... the next day, for the first time in a long time, you will be able to breathe.

Oh, don't get me wrong. It still hurts. I wish I could tell you it gets better, it gets easier. But it doesn't. You just become used to it and learn how to move on.

But the day after next, you will be able to breathe. Finally. You may not realize it at first, but it's there, the breath in space now unknown to you.

You will move on. You will get down to business. Helping your mom navigate life insurance policies, and joint accounts, and wills. It will hurt, badly at times, but you will begin moving on.

And months from  now, maybe even years from now, there will still be times when you are overcome with emotion, when you miss your dad, when it hits you once again. There will still be days when you succumb to the tears.

But today, today is the hardest. I promise.

You can do this. You can get thru today. And then, you can find a bit of peace tomorrow, and then... then, you can breathe.

You are on my heart today, and I am praying God holds you tightly, that you feel His presence in your time of need.

God bless you.

There are no winners here

source

There are no words.

At the same time, there is something to say.

What do you say when there are no words?

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When I heard the news, I cried. Then I wanted to get my Jena, before realizing my parents were watching her yesterday. Safe, visiting a Christmas display in Cincinnati, they may not even know the  news. I refrained from calling. No need to destroy their afternoon.

My mind wandered to the children. A freakin' KINDERGARTEN classroom, for pete's sake. Four- and five- year olds. WHY?!?

And then I realize, there is no reason. There cannot be any reason. I've heard people mention insanity. Mental Illness. Demon possession. And I understand why. Because there cannot be any reason for anyone to do this. Ever.

I pictured Jena's preschool. Thank goodness her classroom is towards the end of the hallway. Thank goodness for security measures taken at the school. And then I feel guilty for being glad her class isn't at the front of the school. Because what about those kids? And I also realize that Sandy Hook Elementary had security measures in place as well. Similar to many schools. And I realize that if someone wants to commit that kind of carnage, there is little that a security system will do to stop them.

I thought about the teachers at Sandy Hook. Those brave teachers and administrators, doing what they could to protect the children. We don't give our teachers enough credit for the work they do, but rarely do we also realize what they would do, should tragedy strike. Thank your child's teacher next time you see them.

And then I dared to think about the parents. The panicked parents. I cannot truly grasp the kind of terror that must have gripped each and every parent as they rushed to their babies. A terror that is either relieved when your child is in your arms, and immediately replaced with survivors' guilt, or is replaced by a grief no person should ever experience. There are no winners here.

And the children. The poor, terrified children. To think that the last few moments of your child's life were filled with such horror... and then the surviving students. What an impact this will have on their lives. Their view of school, of humanity in general, forever changed by this day.

Now to the first responders: police, SWAT, fire, EMTs/medics, probably more. I imagine my own Jason responding to the scene. I have to think it would change him, maybe forever. There will be some that will not return to this career. They all will forever carry those heinous images in their minds. Thank a first responder at your next opportunity. They do what the rest of us could or would not. They go in when the rest of us are trying desperately to get out.

Lastly, my mind turns to the shooter. I cannot rejoice at a life lost, any life lost. But I can be grateful that he cannot do it again. His family must be devastated. To deal with the grief of losing mother & son in one day is difficult enough, but to deal with it in this fashion, facing interrogations, media speculations, public scrutiny, all while trying to make sense of it yourself... I cannot imagine how difficult this is for them.

Last night Jena got a little bit spoiled. She doesn't know it, doesn't know why. In exchange for doing one tiny little chore she should have done anyway, I let her stay up "as late as Mommy". I let her play on the computer for hours. And then I let her sleep in my bed. Three things I never let her do. As much for me as it was for her.

Tonight we will take her to see the Elves at a local Christmas display. We will have dinner with family, then enjoy a little holiday spirit. I will do my best to pretend nothing bad happened. Not because I have become "desensitized to violence", as one of my friends suggested of anyone who moves on quickly from such a day, but I will do it for my child. At four years old my daughter has no need to know what happened today. And so I will go thru the next few days as if nothing happened, as if nothing is wrong, as if my mind weren't wandering to that horrific incident time and time again. I will hold back the tears as best I can. I will be forever grateful for my daughter.

And should she overhear anything, from anyone, about what happened, I pray that God would give me the words.

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Dear God,

Lord, we come to You today and ask that You be with the people of Newtown. We ask that You comfort all those directly and indirectly involved with the shooting. We don't understand why these things happen, nor how anyone could ever be comforted in such tragedy, but we do trust in You to do the impossible. Hold them close in their time of need.
Lord I also ask that You guide all of our minds, especially those in law enforcement and education, to find in this a way to protect our children in the future. Let this be used as a learning experience, let some tiny bit of good come from this.
Father, there are not enough words, not the right words, to express what we are all feeling, even thinking. But You know our minds and our hearts. Hear our unspoken.

Amen

So, I Ran. Finally.

I realize I never updated you after I started running.

Let's use the words "started" and "running" loosely, 'kay?

So, I went out one weekend and bought running shoes. Cheapies, because, well, it wasn't in the budget and I had no idea how this was gonna go. Figured I could upgrade later on if I needed to.

Downloaded the Couch-to-5k app on my phone.

Packed a bag with my running clothes & shoes and took it to work that Monday, excited (and nervous!) about my first run that evening after work.

And... I got food poisoning. No lie. Around 3:30pm I started making regular trips to the bathroom, and I barely made it long enough to meet Jason in a Wendy's parking lot, beg him to take Jena to his meeting with him, and drive myself home. It was awful.

Tuesday, it started raining around 2pm. Like, a downpour.

Wednesday, it was storming on & off all day.

Thursday is Jena's gymnastics day, so I'd already figured out there just wasn't time for running on Thursdays. I'm lucky if I get her to class on time.

Friday I forgot my bag o' running stuff, still packed from Monday.

Obviously, week 1 was a complete bust.

But not to be thwarted, on to week 2.

Monday - well, I forget what happened, but running did not.

Tuesday I happened to have the day off. So... I ran.

I ran down our road. Which, I learned, is not very safe for running. Hills of Kentucky and blind curves and all. I spent a better portion of the run listening for oncoming cars and jumping off the road just in time.

But I did run. Okay, run/walk. You know, the C25K program. I did it, my back didn't hurt, I was proud of myself.

Almost home, and a bird pooped on my head. True story.

Beginning to feel like God was sending me signs. Food poisoning, 2 days of downpours, and 1 bird poop later, I was beginning to think that either I wasn't supposed to run, or I was being challenged to see how serious I was about it.

Ended that run & went straight to the showers. You know, bird poop and all.

I was almost done with my shower, when the running message boards proved right: my back was killing me. The pain was excruciating. I could barely get myself out of the shower & dressed. I made my way to the couch and kicked up the recliner. The position of having my feet up usually helps my back.

Not today.

Oh well. I knew that was a possibility, right?

The next day we went on vacation & I packed my running clothes & shoes with the full intent of running on vacation.

I have to be honest here right? It didn't happen.

The first night we spent swimming, and there didn't seem to be a good / safe place to go around the hotel, so I didn't. The next night I fully intented to run at the campground, and allowed myself to get talked out of it.

I was in the mood to run. I wanted to run. I was excited about it. Then Jason reminded me that we were camping, and I would probably be yucky in the morning, and did I really want to take a shower twice? Once in the evening after running and once in the morning because I felt yucky. Seemed logical.

Except... I am so not a morning person. At all. Seriously, if you see me in the early morning, steer clear. I'm also a slow-waker-upper. Takes me a good 30-60 minutes to fully wake up (which, if Jena is any indication, is a genetically inherited condition). I just don't function well at all first thing in the morning. I'm a night owl.

I may have actually growled at Jason the next morning when he cheerfully left Jena & myself at the playground so he could go on his run.

I should have known better. I should have gone in the evening.

We did a lot of walking, had a couple of late nights, the rest of our vacation, and neither of us got in more running in. Although we did do a ton of walking.

Got back, and I decided to give it a go again. Packed my running clothes & shoes, took them to work. Finished working, headed over to the trail... and found out that since it's now Fall, and getting dark earlier, and they close the trail at dusk... I can't go running after work.

{{ sigh }}

That pretty much put an end to the running idea. So I started finding "living room workouts". I don't want to give up on being active, but I need apparently I need a better idea.

Not giving up totally just yet.

*updated* Parenting Advice from FireWife

Original post here.

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This is a blog post to my possibly future self. I'm just letting you read it too.
Feel free to leave comments with your own advice. I'm sure I'll be updating this post as I remember additional tidbits / discover new things.

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Pregnancy:

Pray for your unborn child.
I'm convinced FireGirl likes veggies because while I was pregnant I prayed that she would like all the healthy stuff that I didn't.

Try not to gain more than 50 lbs.
Screw the tables the AMA comes up with, but keeps changing.
Knowing your family history, and how much you gained with FireGirl, 50 lbs is a reasonable target (for max).

Follow your gut.
You're an awesome mom already. You know what to do. Do it.

Eat more fruits & veggies.
It's just good for you. And the baby.


Labor & Delivery:

It will not go as planned.

If you're comfortable doing so, allow others in the room this time.
You may need the support. So may FireMan.

Plan on taking at least 12 weeks off (max allowable by FMLA).
Remember last time? 'nuff said.

Infancy:

Pray for your child.

If it's another girl, check her labia frequently.
Labial adhesions are a b****.

Follow your gut.
You're an awesome mom. You know what to do. Do it.

If you want to breastfeed, go for it.
If you're struggling, try to pump. Some breastmilk is better than none. Screw the lactation consultants. Pump & know how much you're getting.
If you feel like you need to stop BFing and / or pumping, do it. There is no shame.

Trust Jason when it comes to carseats.
Chances are your kid will be much larger than average, and he is the trained professional.

Deep breath, calm down.


Toddlerhood:

Pray for your child.

Every kid walks & talks at their own pace.
Stop freaking out.

Trust your gut.
You're an awesome mom. You know what to do. Do it.

Don't let them in the front seat of the car unattended. Even for a minute. Even in the driveway.
They think CD players look like great places for the pennies in the change holder, remember?

Trust Jason when it comes to carseats.
Chances are your child will be larger than average.
It will look scary to check your rearview mirror and see your baby in the big kid seat.
But with Jena you checked & rechecked the safety stats, and it really was safer considering her size, remember?

When it's time for potty training, remember: clothing should be easy for your child to take off / put on.
Buy undies a little bit big (but not falling off), elastic waist pants are your friend, as are adjustable-waist pants (adjusted just a little bit bigger than they need to be (but not falling off).
Oh, and no more one-piece PJs. They're adorable, they keep munchkins warm, but they hinder nighttime potty-training, because they're difficult for small children to put on / take off by themselves.

As soon as they can reach, put doorknob covers on the doors.
As much to keep them in, as to keep the cat safe.


Preschool-Age:

Pray for your child.

Trust your gut.
You're an awesome mom. You know what to do. Do it.

Enroll them in preschool if finances allow.
Challenging them intellectually is good.
Let them go at their own pace (montessori is preferred)

Make holidays a BIG DEAL. Even little ones.
It's worth it just to see their faces.

Always send an extra change of clothes, just in case.
Even if your child hasn't had a daytime accident in months.
The embarrassment you and your child feel when your babysitter sends her home in the babysitter's son's clothes (including undies!) will assure you to always, always send extra clothes.

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* remember, this is a post to myself. I'm sharing it with you, but if you disagree because something didn't / doesn't / you don't think it will work for you or your family, then fine. No need to argue with me, because I accept the fact that what works for one family will not necessarily work for another.*

Sometimes

Sometimes I am a warrior.
Sometimes I am a messenger.
Sometimes I am on guard.
Sometimes I am a nurse.
Sometimes I am standing on the sidelines.

Sometimes I have strength.
Sometimes I am wounded.
Sometimes I am weary.

Sometimes I am bound.
Sometimes I am free.

Sometimes words are plenty.
Sometimes words won't come.

Sometimes I pray.
Always, HE answers.


-- KyFireWife

Blessings

Physical Blessings:

1) No serious medical issues yet this year
2) My back is stable (not worsening)
3) Jason is healthy & strong as ever
4) Jena is healthy & growing well
5) All the pets are relatively healthy


Financial Blessings:

1) We can feed & clothe our family, and pay our mortgage
2) We have good benefits, including affordable health coverage
3)  Our car is almost paid off
4) We are on target to be debt free (excepting the house) within 2 years max
5) We can afford a few extras


Mental Blessings

1) My issues with depression & anxiety appear to be (mostly) over
2) So far I see no signs that my PPD will lead into Clinical Depression
3) My job is providing me with enough challenges to stretch me, but not enough to stress me
4) Jena has tested above her age group in all developmental milestones
5) I haven't had writer's block in months


Spiritual Blessings

1) Mine & my husband's salvation
2) So many answered prayers & visible miracles
3) Continued growth in the Lord
4) Finding my "fit" in our church home
5) Spiritual battles won


Answered Prayer

1) TheBoy's miraculous recovery
2) Continued growth & healing in our marriage
3) Promises fulfilled
4) Safety for Jason on the job
5) Unspoken


Today's Blessings

1) We all woke up this morning (and healthy too!)
2) We both have jobs to go to
3) My parents watching Jena
4) We can talk during the day
5) Phone call from a friend

**********************

this post inspired by this post

Dear Lord, THANK YOU

3 wks ago, on life support, just a few days from when they had to decide whether or not to pull the plug

Yesterday, with his dad outside for the first time

Dear Lord,

Words cannot express my gratitude for the medical miracle you have wrought in my nephew. So I will just say THANK YOU.

My Nephew is Watching TV

I cried with happiness when I got the text from my sister.

The other day TheBoy finally got a tracheotomy. They had tried to do one before, but his oxygen levels plummeted to deathly low levels so quickly when they took his breathing tube out, that they had to abort the procedure.

But they needed to do it. Unless they could get him breathing better, his oxygen levels would never be at high enough levels to promote healing to his organs. And, the doctors were confident once the trach was in and the breathing tube out, he would do better off of sedation, because apparently breathing tubes are quite uncomfortable, while a tracheotomy is, apparently, comfortable for the patient.

The second time around, the procedure went very well. Within 24 hours they had successfully taken him off of sedation. He was looking around the room, watching everyone who walked by, and even watching television!

I never thought I would be so happy that my nephew was watching TV!

My sister said it reminds her of when FireGirl was a baby - like he's a baby in a 6'4" body. He can't move, can't communicate, but is taking it all in.

I am so freakin' happy right now people. I can't even stand it.

We cannot thank you enough for your continued prayers, well wishes, and support.

This will be a long road, so please keep 'em coming!

As always, thanks for checking in.

Withdrawal

So, come to find out that TheBoy has been under sedation for about a week.


Because he kept trying to take out his breathing tube.

The other day, they took him off the sedation. Within half an hour he was looking around, following people across the room with his eyes. Registering people, and movement.

Unfortunately, within an hour he was showing signs of withdrawal (since sedation is a narcotic, he's essentially been on drugs since he came into the hospital). Eventually his symptoms became so drastic (violent outbursts, profuse sweating, vomiting, etc) that they put him back under.

Yet still, hours later, back under sedation, he had another violent outburst, and is showing different reactions based on who is visiting him. And yes, the nurse has documented that these things are happening, not just family members' imaginations.

He is responding. He is registering, to some degree, what is going on around him.

Please continue to pray for his healing.

Please pray for strength, peace, and FAITH for the entire family.

I also ask that you pray for God's presence in the hospital. It appears that there is some spiritual warfare going on there as well.

Thank you so much (again) for your continued prayers & support. I cannot tell you how much it means to us.

Roller Coaster

I saw TheBoy.

And I feel awful.

About my last post.

This is such a roller coaster.

I saw him react to my sister kissing his forehead.

And I don't know how to explain it, but it just seemed like he was "awake" while we were in there, like he was aware of us, and listening to us.

I know that sounds crazy. I know it does. He's in a coma, how can he be "awake"?

Lord - I am so sorry if I showed a lack of faith in any way.

Boy - I am so sorry if I gave up on you too soon.

I am not giving up. On TheBoy or God.

And I am so, so sorry.

I considered deleting my last post. That's how much I regret it. But then I figure, someone out there may have gone / will go through something similar. And I want them to know that it happens. This roller coaster happens.

For the Love of Family

With all the things my family has experienced lately, I find myself reflecting on family a lot.

In experiencing tragedy and drama, we see family, however you define it. We discover who our family is.

I am incredibly blessed to belong to an ridiculously awesome family. Oh, sure, we have our issues. We most definitely are not perfect. But there is love. There is so much love.

Real love. Sacrificial love. Showing up love. Being there love. True love. Pure love.

A type of love that we don't often see nowadays.

This became ever more evident as my nephew began his struggle. I cried to my sister one night, worried that he never realized how very much I loved him.

She laughed at me.

If there is one thing these kids know, it's that our family loves them unconditionally, she said. She reminded me of their rough childhood. She reminded me that you can see it in their faces when they come to visit. You can see it in teenagers who for their birthday ask simply for grandparents & aunts to take them out for a visit. You see it in how they try to come in for Christmas every year.

I remember seeing it in my nephew's face when I introduced my daughter, his cousin to him.

You see, these kids - my sister's stepchildren - never knew real love until they met our family. They knew a kind of "love" that asked things of them, even as children. They only knew relatives to want something from them. They only knew a conditional love. They only knew life in a "I'll show you love if you make me happy" sort of way.

Even though I knew of their circumstances, of their lives before us, I never thought of it in relation to how we as individuals come to define such broader topics as "love".

We were the first people to accept them exactly as they were, to not expect anything of them at all. Despite having known a birth mother, aunts, uncles, and even grandparents before meeting us, they had never before had anyone give to them, without expecting anything in return. We were the first people in their lives to let them just be.

Since that conversation with my sister, I've been paying attention to my relationships with others, to others' relationships with their family.

I guess I never realized how rare this is.

Or maybe I just assumed that everyone had this kind of love from their family. But they don't.

My mother exemplifies this unconditional, sacrificial love. Not just towards her children, but towards everyone.

I can only hope that I will someday live up to her example.

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As I'm wrapping up this post on love, my mind keeps wandering to the love God speaks of, how he loves us, and how he instructs us to love one another.

Perhaps that's why my mother loves the way she does. Maybe she doesn't even realize it, but having spent her entire life studying Scripture, perhaps she has come to a place where she lives it without trying, where it exudes from her as a part of her.

I'm reminded of our Father's love towards us:

"But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."  -- Romans 5:8

Talk about unconditional love! He didn't wait until we became good enough to sacrifice Himself. No, he died for us knowing full well the sinners we were! Amazing love!

And it doesn't end there:

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." -- John 3:16

Have you ever really thought about that verse? Whoever believes in Christ as the Savior shall have everlasting life! That's it. He requires nothing more of us in order to accept the greatest gift anyone could ever give. The only thing we need to do to receive this gift... is to accept it. Much like my nieces & nephew never had to do anything for me to take them out, or give them a gift, or buy them a trinket - they just had to accept it.

I know some of you are saying 'wait, what about all those commandments? all those rules?' - yeah, they're still there. Similar to the instruction of my parents, they are there to help us become better people, and in trying to follow them, we open ourselves to even more blessings than we already have. But do we need to do them to enter the Kingdom of Heaven? Nope. All we need to do is believe.

As for how God instructs us to love one another:

"For, brethren, ye have been called unto liberty; only use not liberty for an occasion to the flesh, but by love serve one another."  -- Galations 5:13

That's it, isn't it? We have been called to unconditionally love one another. We do not use our new found freedom in God to serve ourselves, but to serve one another.

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I'm not there yet. I'll never be perfect. But I can try. I can re-evaluate my life, and I can re-adjust how I see others, determine how I can best serve them in love.

Happy Mother's Day everyone. Now go enjoy some momma-love!

Modern Medicine has Nothing on GOD

So, after my last post about how we were praying for a miracle:

- TheBoy has opened his eyes and looked around the room on several occasions

- He has made eye contact with multiple people as they talked to him

- He has begun squeezing the hands of whoever his holding his hand

- He continues to do more & more on command

Now, granted, none of us are brain experts, but these appear to be significant improvements to us. He shows us more & more that he is registering what is around him.

No, his breathing has not yet improved, but to us it seems apparent that other mental facilities are.

Keep praying people. God is listening!

"What you see is what you'll get"

Late last night I got a phone call to update me on my nephew's situation.

The neurologist sat down both parents today, and informed them that he believes TheBoy  has recovered as much as he will. Ever. His words to the family were "What you see now, is what you'll get."

He cannot come off the ventilator.

While he is breathing on his own, the part of his brain that controls how deep you breathe, among other things, is not responding at all. The part that tells you things like "breathe deeper", "you have too much spit in your mouth, you need to swallow", and "it's time to pee now" - that part.

So while technically he is not on life support... he will die without a ventilator to regulate his breathing.

His dad and birth mom are in agreement that TheBoy would not want to live like that. They plan to disengage the ventilator in the near future.

My sister & their youngest daughter are flying in from Iowa. As long as TheBoy was improving, they were staying in hopes that the girl could finish out the school year (I think she has 6 more days), but with this new news, they are coming in.

We don't have a date yet. They haven't decided on one. But nothing will be done before the rest of the family gets here.

They also want to give it "some time" to see if we get our miracle. But they don't want him to suffer needlessly for long.

They are putting in a tracheotomy, as well as moving the feeding tube out of his mouth & directly into his stomach, both in efforts to make him more comfortable.

The best of modern medicine says there is no hope.

On Healing, Faith, and Emotions

Yes, I believe God can and does perform miraculous healings.

Yes, I believe God sometimes does this outside of medical intervention.

Yes, I believe God sometimes uses medical intervention to perform healings.

Yes, I have faith that God will do this at the request of His followers, within His will.

Yes, all of these things give me hope.

Yes, I believe God sometimes says 'no', for reasons we may never understand.

Yes, I believe God sometimes says 'yes... but not how you would like'

Yes, these things occasionally make me feel sad.

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When I had my accident, and for the four years thereafter, I had several people tell me I should attend a healing service, ask people to pray over my injury. I never did. Not because I thought He wouldn't, but because from the moment it happened, I had this feeling that I was supposed to go thru this, that this was my cross to bear. To ask to be healed of something I was supposed to go to seemed like a violation. When I did eventually have my surgery, the timing felt perfect, and to me it was no less miraculous than if I had been spontaneously healed years before.

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For years before he passed, my father-in-law believed that if God wanted him to be healed, God would do it. He did not want medical intervention.

Looking back on the past few years, I honestly believe God brought him thru several heart attacks in the past 3 years, none of which even incapacitated him. I can think of three such episodes just off the top of my head.

Our entire family has had great comfort in looking back over his life, and believing that he died because it was time.

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My nephew (let's call him TheBoy) has achieved incredible healing, that has been in direct opposition to what Western medicine has said his prognosis will be.

When his overdose first happened, we were told that within 48 hours the family will need to make a decision about life support (ie. whether or not to pull the plug). He was not breathing on his own at all.

Less than a week later, he can breathe on his own, he reacts to physical & emotional stimuli, he opens his eyes on command, his kidney failure resolved almost overnight, as did his liver failure.

We have gone from crying out to God to "JUST LET HIM LIVE!" (literally, I literally sat in my living room and cried those words to my Father), to asking him to be well enough to attend his sister's graduation party in 3 weeks.

Since the moment I heard of his overdose, I never had "the bad feeling", the feeling that precedes knowing someone will die (if you've had it, you know what it feels like). I have had a good feeling, an optimistic feeling, and I believed God would continue to improve TheBoy's physical condition.

Until today. I don't have "the bad feeling". But I no longer have the good feeling either. I feel strongly that God is saying this is it, this is as far as He is bringing TheBoy's physical healing.

I won't pretend to know why. And perhaps I am wrong. But I don't think I am.

My faith is still strong, and I believe God has a reason for this, we just don't know what it is yet.

And I am immensely grateful for God sparing TheBoy's life, and for the incredible improvements we have seen. I thank God for giving him another chance.

But still, I am sad. Dejected. I cannot think straight. The tears flow freely.