No, I'm not talking miscarriage. Firstly, because, as anyone who's had a miscarriage will tell you, that child was. Secondly, because I have thus far been blessed in that I have never personally experienced a miscarriage.
What I'm talking about, well, I've never heard anyone talk about. But I know I've felt it, and I think anyone who tried to conceive (TTC) for any amount of time at all has probably felt.
You see, twice in my life I thought I was pregnant... but wasn't. I mean, really really believed I might be pregnant.
The first was a few years ago. Quite frankly, looking back, I was rather naive about it all. But I was having mad mood swings, hunger like I've never experienced, dizziness, and some other symptoms that led me and my boyfriend at the time to start thinking I might be pregnant. The more they went on without subsiding, the more we believed I was. Both of us. We made plans.
Then came time to test, and it was negative.
He was relieved. I was devastated.
I didn't expect to be that upset, or upset at all. The timing was awful, I was not ready, we were not ready, just supporting ourselves and a child would have been difficult. In all practical and logical ways, a negative result should have been a good thing.
And I thought it would be. But when I saw that I wasn't pregnant, my heart sank, I couldn't speak, I wanted to cry. I still remember sitting on the floor of my bedroom trying to put on a happy face while he rejoiced. After all, me being sad didn't make sense.
But I was. Terribly, terribly sad.
Anyone remember that episode of Friends when Rachel is taking the test to see if she's pregnant? And Phoebe initially tells her that it's negative to see how Rachel really feels? Yeah... kinda like that.
Only real life. And it really was negative.
And I was sad.
The second time was a couple of months ago.
No, we're not trying. Ironically, the only two times I thought I was pregnant weren't while TTC.
But for two weeks I had several of the same "signs" that I did during my first trimester with FireGirl. And I didn't have my usual PMS symptoms (fatigue, hunger, and bloating), and then... my period was 4 days late. And seeing as how I'm on thePatch, my periods tend to be about as regular as they come. Four days is a big deal.
I'd already started worrying how to tell FireMan, seeing as how he doesn't want more kids. Decided I would wait until day 6 (the day before I put on the next Patch) to actually test, mentally preparing for the positive. Because... what else could it be? I really, really thought I was pregnant.
And yes, I know statistically it was highly unlikely, but we all know I'm good with the one-in-a-million thing happening to me, right? Besides... I was four days late, plus all of the symptoms... I mean, really? Who wouldn't at least wonder, right?
But then Aunt Flo showed up. Four days late, but with all her glory.
And I was sad. Really sad.
And I finally told FireMan, and he just blew it off like it was nothing.
I don't think this is an emotion men understand.
But I have a friend who is TTC, and after 7 months, this month, she really thought was the month. She really, really did.
But it was negative. Again.
And she is really, really sad.
Not the same kinda sad the previous 7 months of not conceiving, but a different kind of sad.
Because this time she really thought there was a teeny tiny baby growing inside of her. Much like I did. Much like many of us do at one point or another. And finding out that there wasn't... deals a hard blow. It really does.
It's a different kind of sad. And I don't know how to express it, other than to say that it's a type of mourning, a mourning the loss of a child that never was.
Yes, mourning seems a bit strong, and I mean no disrespect to those who have lost a child, I just don't know any other word to express that type of emotion, that sense of loss. It's not as great, of that I am certain, but it's still there.
And nobody talks about it. Which makes us feel alone. Even though I suspect my friend & I aren't the only ones. I suspect it's actually a fairly common emotion, especially among those who are TTC, or have been TTC for a long time. So I decided to talk about it.
What say you, blog world?