In my last post I talked a bit about getting lost in the middle of everything, and I promised I'd detail a few things I've done to combat those feelings.
In fall of 2016 I decided to run for the Board of Governors for my university alumni band. I hadn't been involved in the organization at all for years, but it was something I really wanted to get involved in again, something that was mine. I resolved myself that I would make it work, even though I had no idea how I was going to find child care for meetings and such, and I did it.
And I was elected to the board. As a Governor my duties were fairly light, but then six months later our Vice President unexpectedly resigned due to unplanned life changes that took him out of town. While there is no requirement to be local, all of the executive positions have duties that make working from out of town extremely difficult, and so we were left with an executive vacancy.
You know what I did? I threw my hat in the ring. And the President appointed me to finish the term.
I know it's just a volunteer position, but for me it's been a "wow" kind of whirlwind. I went from not being involved in any activities outside the home, to joining the Board of Governors, to being Vice President of a large organization in less than a year, leading a large cross-functional team and managing a major project.
I was re-elected to the office of Vice President last fall, and am now working on my first full term in office, again leading a large team. My biggest project is to plan and carry out all activities related to Homecoming weekend: reunion dinner, rehearsals, parade performance, on-field performance, etc. It's quite a large undertaking, and it's a lot of work, but I have enjoyed it so much.
Stepping up to volunteer, and then taking a chance and going for (and getting!) this position has given me a piece of my identity back. I'm a band nerd at heart and love this organization. The work has given me a chance to use my brain in a way I haven't had the opportunity to since leaving the corporate life. It's given me a new circle of friends, acquaintances, and even professional networking contacts. I feel a little more like me when I'm there.
Most recently, just this past week I agreed to become the Team Administrator for Jena's soccer team. Mostly it's a lot of paperwork and organization, with a lot of communications thrown in just for fun. But I'm excited for it.
These things: volunteering, taking on responsibilities outside the home, creating new circles of contacts... they all help keep me from getting lost, from feeling invisible.
It's not perfect. Finding child care during my activities is still a struggle. But sometimes I bring the girls to tag along to. They've been to meetings, social activities, and even to a vendor site visit. So far there have been no issues, and I think it's good life lessons for them to sit thru these activities and see mommy "work".
So if you, like me, are a SAHM feeling a little lost in the middle, a bit invisible to those around you, try stepping outside a bit. Volunteer, try something new, get involved in an old hobby or find a new one. Remember who you were and grasp a bit of your identity again.
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So what about you? What have you tried to hold on to who you are?
As always, thanks for checking in.
Showing posts with label motherhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label motherhood. Show all posts
Monday, May 21, 2018
Monday, May 14, 2018
Lost in the Middle
Yesterday was Mother's Day, the end of a long, busy Mother's Day weekend for our family.
Friday was Homeschool Field Day for Jena, then running errands with Jillian.
Saturday we had Jillian's birthday party, then dinner with my mother-in-law to celebrate Mother's Day for her.
Sunday Jena had a soccer game, then lunch with my mom to celebrate Mother's Day for her, then back to MIL's house for dinner to spend a bit of time with Jason's brother before he heads back to California.
There was no Mother's Day for me.
Yes, Jena got me a popsocket for my phone, which she bought when Jason took her shopping for Jillian's birthday present, and they remembered they needed a gift for me... but only after they saw the Mother's Day signs at Target. Even though they both knew the errands I was doing included shopping for presents for my mom & MIL.
It was a busy weekend, a good weekend, but the truth is I was forgotten, lost in the middle.
Kids, kids, parents, kids, parents, kids, parents, parents. No me.
I suppose this is what middle-aged really means. You're in the middle. Doing it all on both ends, but getting lost in the meantime.
As I sit here sorting out my feelings as I write, I realize it's not so much about the holiday itself, it's the getting lost, the invisibility of it all.
It's not that there wasn't time to squeeze in something for me, it's that it wasn't even thought of.
It wasn't that my gift wasn't something I particularly wanted, it's that the idea of a gift was completely forgotten.
I'm a mom. I've been a mom for nine years. Not only am I a mom, it is quite literally my job. I'm a stay-at-home mom. I'm a homeschooling mom. I literally spend 24/7 being nothing more than a mom. A noble job, don't misunderstand me, but it is what I am, what I do. And yet on the one day a year set aside to celebrate that very thing, I am completely forgotten, lost in the middle of generations.
Spending half of my weekend tending to our children's activities, and the other half celebrating our own mothers, putting in the time & effort to try to make everything nice for everyone else, but at the end of it, there's nothing left for me.
It sounds a bit whiny, I suppose. No one's paying attention to me and what-not. But it's what I'm feeling at the moment, take that however you must. It just would be nice to be noticed from time-to-time, to be appreciated. But such is the life of a mom, I suppose. Taking care of everyone else so they can do their things, and the act of taking care becoming the one thing that is yours.
It's so easy to become lost in the middle, lost in motherhood. I've recently tried to stake a claim in some activities in order to retain my own identity, give me something that is mine alone to do, and I'll detail that a bit in my next post.
*************************
What about the other moms reading this? What do you do to make sure you don't get lost in the middle? What steps have you taken to hold on to yourself while you take care of others?
As always, thanks for checking in!
Friday was Homeschool Field Day for Jena, then running errands with Jillian.
Saturday we had Jillian's birthday party, then dinner with my mother-in-law to celebrate Mother's Day for her.
Sunday Jena had a soccer game, then lunch with my mom to celebrate Mother's Day for her, then back to MIL's house for dinner to spend a bit of time with Jason's brother before he heads back to California.
There was no Mother's Day for me.
Yes, Jena got me a popsocket for my phone, which she bought when Jason took her shopping for Jillian's birthday present, and they remembered they needed a gift for me... but only after they saw the Mother's Day signs at Target. Even though they both knew the errands I was doing included shopping for presents for my mom & MIL.
It was a busy weekend, a good weekend, but the truth is I was forgotten, lost in the middle.
Kids, kids, parents, kids, parents, kids, parents, parents. No me.
I suppose this is what middle-aged really means. You're in the middle. Doing it all on both ends, but getting lost in the meantime.
As I sit here sorting out my feelings as I write, I realize it's not so much about the holiday itself, it's the getting lost, the invisibility of it all.
It's not that there wasn't time to squeeze in something for me, it's that it wasn't even thought of.
It wasn't that my gift wasn't something I particularly wanted, it's that the idea of a gift was completely forgotten.
I'm a mom. I've been a mom for nine years. Not only am I a mom, it is quite literally my job. I'm a stay-at-home mom. I'm a homeschooling mom. I literally spend 24/7 being nothing more than a mom. A noble job, don't misunderstand me, but it is what I am, what I do. And yet on the one day a year set aside to celebrate that very thing, I am completely forgotten, lost in the middle of generations.
Spending half of my weekend tending to our children's activities, and the other half celebrating our own mothers, putting in the time & effort to try to make everything nice for everyone else, but at the end of it, there's nothing left for me.
It sounds a bit whiny, I suppose. No one's paying attention to me and what-not. But it's what I'm feeling at the moment, take that however you must. It just would be nice to be noticed from time-to-time, to be appreciated. But such is the life of a mom, I suppose. Taking care of everyone else so they can do their things, and the act of taking care becoming the one thing that is yours.
It's so easy to become lost in the middle, lost in motherhood. I've recently tried to stake a claim in some activities in order to retain my own identity, give me something that is mine alone to do, and I'll detail that a bit in my next post.
*************************
What about the other moms reading this? What do you do to make sure you don't get lost in the middle? What steps have you taken to hold on to yourself while you take care of others?
As always, thanks for checking in!
Saturday, August 5, 2017
I am so ready for the workday to be over
It's 5:15pm and I am so ready for the workday to be over. It's been one of those days. Stress at every turn, difficult coworkers, menial work that feels overwhelming because of the stresses of the workplace. I'm tired, frustrated, and about to go over the edge. But at least it's 5:15pm.
I am unbelievably ready to wrap up what I'm working on, walk out the door, get in the car and drive. Sure, wherever I go will have its own responsibilities with different people to deal with, but with any luck maybe those people will be in a good mood and tonight will end on a relaxing note.
But I can't walk out the door. Because I don't work outside the home anymore. I stay home and homeschool our children. So at 5:15pm, even though I've already been fully on the job for 10 hours, I have at least four more to go, and that's if the kids actually go to bed on time and stay there. More often than not with my three year old lately I'll be looking at another six hours, minimum.
No drive by myself, listening to music to help me unwind. No change of scenery. No heading out to see if the next group of people in my life will be in a better mood. Nope. This is it.
It's been a rough day. Meltdowns, tantrums, tears, yelling, frustration, blatant disobedience and disrespect. All day.
I'm not saying there weren't good moments, because there were. But interspersed throughout the day, all day, many, many times were these moments, these difficult moments. These stressful, frustrating moments. I have yelled more times than I care to admit. It was a hard day.
But I can't pack up my desk and leave, and hope things will be better at home. This is my home, and my workplace. So I have a choice to make.
I can choose to focus on the negative, be a pessimist, and let it bring me down, which will continue to spiral my daughters' adverse behavior, or I can choose to try to see the positive in the day, be an optimist, force a smile on my face, and try to pick my girls up and make their day better. I'm the leader here. It's up to me to at least try to turn things around.
So I gather the supplies for a craft, get everything set up, tell the girls we'll do a craft. They're excited. They love crafts. This will be fun.
After reminding Jena that she needs to follow instructions or the craft won't turn out right, she yells at me that I'm ruining her art by making her follow directions and breaks down in tears because I "ruined" her project.
We take a break, but eventually finish. But no ones very excited about the craft anymore. And I'm starting to wonder why I bother.
Now it's time for dinner. I decide to make a new recipe, but one that is simple and kinda fun and I'm absolutely sure both girls will like. Jena refuses to admit that it's good, instead telling me everything that's wrong with it. But she takes a second helping. And a third.
Sometimes you can't help another person's bad mood. You can try. And especially for the ones you love, and the ones you're living with, you should. But ultimately it is all up to them. They have to decide to look at the bright side for themselves.
Dinner is over. The run baths for each girl in turn. They get into their pajamas, brush their teeth, get into bed.
It is now 11:45pm. Jillian is still awake. She just called me into her room a few minutes ago. The fourth time she's been out of bed, that I know of.
When you're a mom there is no end to your work day. Even when the kids aren't directly demanding my attention, I'm tending to housework, or school planning, or cooking, or pet care, or, or, or... The list goes on and on. And it doesn't matter if you work outside the home or stay home. The only difference is when you work outside the home you get a change of scenery, a break from one set of responsibilities, even if it is quickly replaced with another set.
I've done both. I was a mom who worked outside the home for six years, and now I've been a stay at home / homschooling mom for three years. They are equally demanding, equally stressful, just in different ways. I'm not going to lie, there are days when I think back longingly on my days as a working mom. Days when I have to remind myself how many years I spent wanting this, praying for the opportunity to stay home with my family. Days when I have to remind myself of the stresses of working outside the home. Today was definitely one of those days.
The truth is I miss working outside the home more than I ever thought I would. And while I was never one of those people who thought being a SAHM was an easy job, I definitely underestimated how difficult it can be at times. And then I decided to add homeschooling to the mix, LOL. I had no idea what I was in for! Despite all that, I remain convinced that for our family, at this moment in time, me staying home and homeschooling our children is the absolute best choice for us. I have to remind myself of that at times like today, but it is the truth.
So here's to all you working moms, wherever you call your "office". Keep your focus on what's best for your family, on why you do what you do, and keep on pushing through those hard days. There's a good day right around the corner. Promise.
As always, thanks for checking in.
I am unbelievably ready to wrap up what I'm working on, walk out the door, get in the car and drive. Sure, wherever I go will have its own responsibilities with different people to deal with, but with any luck maybe those people will be in a good mood and tonight will end on a relaxing note.
But I can't walk out the door. Because I don't work outside the home anymore. I stay home and homeschool our children. So at 5:15pm, even though I've already been fully on the job for 10 hours, I have at least four more to go, and that's if the kids actually go to bed on time and stay there. More often than not with my three year old lately I'll be looking at another six hours, minimum.
No drive by myself, listening to music to help me unwind. No change of scenery. No heading out to see if the next group of people in my life will be in a better mood. Nope. This is it.
It's been a rough day. Meltdowns, tantrums, tears, yelling, frustration, blatant disobedience and disrespect. All day.
I'm not saying there weren't good moments, because there were. But interspersed throughout the day, all day, many, many times were these moments, these difficult moments. These stressful, frustrating moments. I have yelled more times than I care to admit. It was a hard day.
But I can't pack up my desk and leave, and hope things will be better at home. This is my home, and my workplace. So I have a choice to make.
I can choose to focus on the negative, be a pessimist, and let it bring me down, which will continue to spiral my daughters' adverse behavior, or I can choose to try to see the positive in the day, be an optimist, force a smile on my face, and try to pick my girls up and make their day better. I'm the leader here. It's up to me to at least try to turn things around.
So I gather the supplies for a craft, get everything set up, tell the girls we'll do a craft. They're excited. They love crafts. This will be fun.
After reminding Jena that she needs to follow instructions or the craft won't turn out right, she yells at me that I'm ruining her art by making her follow directions and breaks down in tears because I "ruined" her project.
We take a break, but eventually finish. But no ones very excited about the craft anymore. And I'm starting to wonder why I bother.
Now it's time for dinner. I decide to make a new recipe, but one that is simple and kinda fun and I'm absolutely sure both girls will like. Jena refuses to admit that it's good, instead telling me everything that's wrong with it. But she takes a second helping. And a third.
Sometimes you can't help another person's bad mood. You can try. And especially for the ones you love, and the ones you're living with, you should. But ultimately it is all up to them. They have to decide to look at the bright side for themselves.
Dinner is over. The run baths for each girl in turn. They get into their pajamas, brush their teeth, get into bed.
It is now 11:45pm. Jillian is still awake. She just called me into her room a few minutes ago. The fourth time she's been out of bed, that I know of.
When you're a mom there is no end to your work day. Even when the kids aren't directly demanding my attention, I'm tending to housework, or school planning, or cooking, or pet care, or, or, or... The list goes on and on. And it doesn't matter if you work outside the home or stay home. The only difference is when you work outside the home you get a change of scenery, a break from one set of responsibilities, even if it is quickly replaced with another set.
I've done both. I was a mom who worked outside the home for six years, and now I've been a stay at home / homschooling mom for three years. They are equally demanding, equally stressful, just in different ways. I'm not going to lie, there are days when I think back longingly on my days as a working mom. Days when I have to remind myself how many years I spent wanting this, praying for the opportunity to stay home with my family. Days when I have to remind myself of the stresses of working outside the home. Today was definitely one of those days.
The truth is I miss working outside the home more than I ever thought I would. And while I was never one of those people who thought being a SAHM was an easy job, I definitely underestimated how difficult it can be at times. And then I decided to add homeschooling to the mix, LOL. I had no idea what I was in for! Despite all that, I remain convinced that for our family, at this moment in time, me staying home and homeschooling our children is the absolute best choice for us. I have to remind myself of that at times like today, but it is the truth.
So here's to all you working moms, wherever you call your "office". Keep your focus on what's best for your family, on why you do what you do, and keep on pushing through those hard days. There's a good day right around the corner. Promise.
As always, thanks for checking in.
Friday, February 17, 2017
Multiple Personalities
Do you ever feel like the multiple versions of you are at odds? I do. All the time. Especially since becoming a mom.
Take tonight for instance. Jason wants to have a date night. One that entails having my kids spend the night with my parents.
The wife part of me thinks that sounds awesome. Would love it. Sounds like a great plan. Great idea, hunny. Let's do it.
The mom part of me thinks that's a horrible idea. Why would I want to spend even more time away from my babies? Who would come up with such an idea? What an idiot!
And of course then the housekeeper part of me has to butt in and say that if I have enough free time to have a date night, then I really need to get in there and scrub that bathroom. Ugh.
I don't think I have had as much internal conflict as I have since having kids. It seems like just about every day I am being pulled in a million different directions. I definitely think the hardest part of being a mom is juggling everything. This was true when I worked full time outside the home, and it's still true now that I'm a stay at home mom.
Anyway, still haven't decided what to do about tonight. The wife part of me really wants that date. Really wants it. The mom part of me thinks it's ridiculous to spend the night away from babies when it's not necessary.
We'll just have to wait and see who wins this one...
Take tonight for instance. Jason wants to have a date night. One that entails having my kids spend the night with my parents.
The wife part of me thinks that sounds awesome. Would love it. Sounds like a great plan. Great idea, hunny. Let's do it.
The mom part of me thinks that's a horrible idea. Why would I want to spend even more time away from my babies? Who would come up with such an idea? What an idiot!
And of course then the housekeeper part of me has to butt in and say that if I have enough free time to have a date night, then I really need to get in there and scrub that bathroom. Ugh.
I don't think I have had as much internal conflict as I have since having kids. It seems like just about every day I am being pulled in a million different directions. I definitely think the hardest part of being a mom is juggling everything. This was true when I worked full time outside the home, and it's still true now that I'm a stay at home mom.
Anyway, still haven't decided what to do about tonight. The wife part of me really wants that date. Really wants it. The mom part of me thinks it's ridiculous to spend the night away from babies when it's not necessary.
We'll just have to wait and see who wins this one...
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Today has been hard
I was first awakened at 3:30am.
My husband woke me to kiss me goodbye at 6am as he headed off to work.
At 6:45am my youngest decided it was time to get up for breakfast. My oldest awoke at 7:15am.
By 7:30am the baby was going back down for a nap. Exhausted, I crawled back into bed, only for my other charge to interrupt my attempts at sleep roughly every 5 - 10 minutes with random requests for random stuff.
Baby woke up at 8:30am. Screaming. Not falling back to sleep. She's up.
So far today I have had baby food sneezed on me, I have had snot rubbed on my shoulder. I have stepped in spaghetti sauce and baby food and am not sure how either ended up on the floor.
I have listened to an infant cry and sob and scream for the better part of three hours no matter what I did. Is she getting sick? Is she teething? Growth spurt? All three? Who knows. All I know is she's miserable.
I have told my older daughter 'no' what seems like 50 times already today, because I have to meet the demands of the tiniest in the house, and I wish there were some way to express to her how much I hate telling her 'no' so much. I wish she knew that I hate it almost as much as she does and I would love to do everything she asks. But I can't.
I have cried. I have yelled. I haven't laughed. Not many smiles today.
Today has been hard.
I strapped the baby in the high chair long enough to microwave the 6 year old some lunch and put together some baby food and a bottle for the little one.
I managed to scarf down my own microwaved meal when I finally got the baby to bed over an hour later, after she'd been awake for nearly five hours of crying.
Yesterday I spent the day trying to attend to the issues my oldest has been having lately. It's been rough around here the past few months. Really rough. So I dedicated all of yesterday to her. All of it.
I haven't showered in over 48 hours. Haven't done laundry or dishes or any other household chores in two days. And it shows. Terribly. I just used our last clean bottle. I've re-used our last clean baby spoon. So it's not really clean any more. We haven't even had time to do homeschool in two days. Thank goodness she's ahead in the curriculum. Buys us some leeway.
Today has been hard. And it's just past lunch time.
I am tired. On the verge of tears. Today has been hard.
My husband woke me to kiss me goodbye at 6am as he headed off to work.
At 6:45am my youngest decided it was time to get up for breakfast. My oldest awoke at 7:15am.
By 7:30am the baby was going back down for a nap. Exhausted, I crawled back into bed, only for my other charge to interrupt my attempts at sleep roughly every 5 - 10 minutes with random requests for random stuff.
Baby woke up at 8:30am. Screaming. Not falling back to sleep. She's up.
So far today I have had baby food sneezed on me, I have had snot rubbed on my shoulder. I have stepped in spaghetti sauce and baby food and am not sure how either ended up on the floor.
I have listened to an infant cry and sob and scream for the better part of three hours no matter what I did. Is she getting sick? Is she teething? Growth spurt? All three? Who knows. All I know is she's miserable.
I have told my older daughter 'no' what seems like 50 times already today, because I have to meet the demands of the tiniest in the house, and I wish there were some way to express to her how much I hate telling her 'no' so much. I wish she knew that I hate it almost as much as she does and I would love to do everything she asks. But I can't.
I have cried. I have yelled. I haven't laughed. Not many smiles today.
Today has been hard.
I strapped the baby in the high chair long enough to microwave the 6 year old some lunch and put together some baby food and a bottle for the little one.
I managed to scarf down my own microwaved meal when I finally got the baby to bed over an hour later, after she'd been awake for nearly five hours of crying.
Yesterday I spent the day trying to attend to the issues my oldest has been having lately. It's been rough around here the past few months. Really rough. So I dedicated all of yesterday to her. All of it.
I haven't showered in over 48 hours. Haven't done laundry or dishes or any other household chores in two days. And it shows. Terribly. I just used our last clean bottle. I've re-used our last clean baby spoon. So it's not really clean any more. We haven't even had time to do homeschool in two days. Thank goodness she's ahead in the curriculum. Buys us some leeway.
Today has been hard. And it's just past lunch time.
I am tired. On the verge of tears. Today has been hard.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
What's a Diet?
Recently my 4-year-old daughter and I had a conversation that was quite eye-opening for me.
It began as she looked over my shoulder while I checked Facebook. As I was scrolling down, she asked me to stop & go back up so she could look at a picture of a very overweight cat.
She asked why that picture was on there.
I explained that it was a story about a cat who was rescued and put on a diet.
"What's a diet?"
Crap. I have tried very hard to not let any references to dieting, weight loss, body image, etc. into our home. As much as I have struggled with my weight, I am keenly aware that girls often inherit body image issues from their mothers. And that is something I do not want. So I have consciously avoided the topic, or deflected when it came up.
So now... what to say?
I told her that a diet is what they call it when someone is trying to eat healthier, to put more good, healthy foods into their body. That the cat needed to be healthier, so they put him on a diet.
"People go on diets so they can be big & fat like you?"
Heart. Sinks.
My daughter knows that I am fat. Even though I did not tell her that, and try very hard not to use the word in our home, she came to the revelation herself. It's not a secret. The eye-opening moment here was that she thinks it's a good thing. She thinks people want to be big & fat like Mommy. $@#+!
So I tried gently to explain. No, people don't want to be fat like Mommy, in fact Mommy has too much fat and I'm trying to eat healthier to try to lose some of my fat so I can have a strong and healthy body like Jena.
Oh.
************************************
It's a delicate tightrope, discussing weight with our daughters. We want to inform them, give them a healthy perspective, but we also want them to tolerate differences and love themselves no matter what they look like.
Once, while clothes shopping, Jena asked what size she should be when she grows up, as if she could aspire to be a certain size.
I responded that I didn't know yet, that we won't know until she's older, but that she should be a size that is a good, healthy size for her.
Then we had a little talk about how everyone comes in different shapes and sizes (and skin! and hair!) and that that's okay, it's good even, that we're all different. God made each of us, so it's all beautiful. That everyone should just try to be a size that is good and healthy for their body, and that's going to be different for everyone.
This whole experience just doubles my desire to reach a healthier weight, not just for me, but for her. Because the fact is our daughters are watching us and they want to be like us.
It honestly never occurred to me that my daughter might aspire to be as fat as I am, or that she would think other people would want to be this fat.
Sure, she loves that we both have blonde hair, and we both have blue eyes, will she be as tall as Mommy, etc, etc, etc.
But it never dawned on me that she'd want to be as fat as Mommy as well. My bad.
Mothers, we need to be healthy, have healthy habits, present ourselves in a healthy manner not just for us, but for our kids. We have to realize that as a parent, it's not just about us anymore.
As always, thanks for checking in.
It began as she looked over my shoulder while I checked Facebook. As I was scrolling down, she asked me to stop & go back up so she could look at a picture of a very overweight cat.
 |
| source |
I explained that it was a story about a cat who was rescued and put on a diet.
"What's a diet?"
Crap. I have tried very hard to not let any references to dieting, weight loss, body image, etc. into our home. As much as I have struggled with my weight, I am keenly aware that girls often inherit body image issues from their mothers. And that is something I do not want. So I have consciously avoided the topic, or deflected when it came up.
So now... what to say?
I told her that a diet is what they call it when someone is trying to eat healthier, to put more good, healthy foods into their body. That the cat needed to be healthier, so they put him on a diet.
"People go on diets so they can be big & fat like you?"
Heart. Sinks.
My daughter knows that I am fat. Even though I did not tell her that, and try very hard not to use the word in our home, she came to the revelation herself. It's not a secret. The eye-opening moment here was that she thinks it's a good thing. She thinks people want to be big & fat like Mommy. $@#+!
So I tried gently to explain. No, people don't want to be fat like Mommy, in fact Mommy has too much fat and I'm trying to eat healthier to try to lose some of my fat so I can have a strong and healthy body like Jena.
Oh.
************************************
It's a delicate tightrope, discussing weight with our daughters. We want to inform them, give them a healthy perspective, but we also want them to tolerate differences and love themselves no matter what they look like.
Once, while clothes shopping, Jena asked what size she should be when she grows up, as if she could aspire to be a certain size.
I responded that I didn't know yet, that we won't know until she's older, but that she should be a size that is a good, healthy size for her.
Then we had a little talk about how everyone comes in different shapes and sizes (and skin! and hair!) and that that's okay, it's good even, that we're all different. God made each of us, so it's all beautiful. That everyone should just try to be a size that is good and healthy for their body, and that's going to be different for everyone.
This whole experience just doubles my desire to reach a healthier weight, not just for me, but for her. Because the fact is our daughters are watching us and they want to be like us.
It honestly never occurred to me that my daughter might aspire to be as fat as I am, or that she would think other people would want to be this fat.
Sure, she loves that we both have blonde hair, and we both have blue eyes, will she be as tall as Mommy, etc, etc, etc.
But it never dawned on me that she'd want to be as fat as Mommy as well. My bad.
Mothers, we need to be healthy, have healthy habits, present ourselves in a healthy manner not just for us, but for our kids. We have to realize that as a parent, it's not just about us anymore.
As always, thanks for checking in.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
It's not about a magic number
I've decided I've been worrying way too much about my weight lately.
Don't get me wrong, I know I have weight to lose, I'd like to lose a few pounds.
But I need to stop focusing on the number on the scale.
We're trying to get pregnant, there will be another life depending on me. I need to shift my focus.
I'm still watching my portions, but I've begun putting greater focus on what I'm eating. More fruits & veggies. More salads & nuts. Lean meats. Fruits. Veggies.
Did I mention fruits & veggies?
In case you weren't aware, I'm ont a big fruits & veggies eater. Or at least, I wasn't.
I am not. More than how much I eat, I need to make sure I am eating things that are good for me.
I still watch my portions, but am not as concerned anymore. The meds my endo put me on some two years ago, well, I see the positive effects it has made on my body. Like how now I can go to a restaurant and order a half-order salad and leave feeling full, whereas before a meal like that would have left me wanting more.
And as far as weight goes, well, I know the last time we were trying I gained 14 lbs the first six weeks off of birth control, due to hormonal changes. So I can't be surprised that this time, despite watching my eating & getting regular exercise, I've already gained nine lbs in five weeks.
I need to stop beating myself up about stuff like this, and just focus on being healthy. It's not just about me anymore. It's not about wanting to see a certain number on a scale, or being able to fit into a certain article of clothing. It's about preparing my body to carry my child.
And if hormonal changes or bloat or whatever leave me a few pounds heavier, half a size bigger, then so be it. As long as I know I am making positive changes to be healthier, then I need to be okay with that.
So that's where I am right now. As always, thanks for checking in.
Don't get me wrong, I know I have weight to lose, I'd like to lose a few pounds.
But I need to stop focusing on the number on the scale.
We're trying to get pregnant, there will be another life depending on me. I need to shift my focus.
I'm still watching my portions, but I've begun putting greater focus on what I'm eating. More fruits & veggies. More salads & nuts. Lean meats. Fruits. Veggies.
Did I mention fruits & veggies?
In case you weren't aware, I'm ont a big fruits & veggies eater. Or at least, I wasn't.
I am not. More than how much I eat, I need to make sure I am eating things that are good for me.
I still watch my portions, but am not as concerned anymore. The meds my endo put me on some two years ago, well, I see the positive effects it has made on my body. Like how now I can go to a restaurant and order a half-order salad and leave feeling full, whereas before a meal like that would have left me wanting more.
And as far as weight goes, well, I know the last time we were trying I gained 14 lbs the first six weeks off of birth control, due to hormonal changes. So I can't be surprised that this time, despite watching my eating & getting regular exercise, I've already gained nine lbs in five weeks.
I need to stop beating myself up about stuff like this, and just focus on being healthy. It's not just about me anymore. It's not about wanting to see a certain number on a scale, or being able to fit into a certain article of clothing. It's about preparing my body to carry my child.
And if hormonal changes or bloat or whatever leave me a few pounds heavier, half a size bigger, then so be it. As long as I know I am making positive changes to be healthier, then I need to be okay with that.
So that's where I am right now. As always, thanks for checking in.
Friday, November 2, 2012
Perspective
I've been thinking a lot about perspective lately. Specifically how one's perspective on something greatly helps to shape their thoughts, feelings, and reactions to that something.
*******************
First, in relation to work. Maybe you remember my post asking my co-workers to stop whining. In that post I explain that everyone feels like they are getting a raw deal. And maybe some are. But from what I can see, what makes them feel this way is less what is actually going on, and more their perspective on what has occurred.
Because most of our upper management came from Group B, Group A feels like the org change has been a "takeover". From Group A members I've heard repeatedly "why do we have to do everything the way Group B did it?"
At the exact same time, our mgmt has taken pains to try to make Group A feel included, I've been in the meetings where they refused to change something just to not offend Group A. These actions lead to me hearing from Group B members "why do we have to do everything the way Group A did it?"
If it weren't so annoying, it's kinda funny. Members of both groups feel like "everything" is being done the way the other group did it, and their ways of doing things are being tossed aside.
*******************
Next, in relation to the SAHM vs Working Mom thing. I'm sure my last post on the subject may have ruffled a few feathers. I even debated not posting it, for that reason. But it's my blog, and it articulates well how I feel, so I kept it.
But I kept asking myself why it bothered me so much. And I finally realized. I feel like it's lopsided.
From my perspective - what I see, hear, and deal with on a daily basis - SAHMs get more support than working moms. That's what it boils down to. I'm hurt, upset, and a little angry that working moms aren't given the same support & respect for the job they do as moms.
I hear SAHMs complain about how busy they are, how much work they have to do, how their houses are messy and they can't find the time to get anything done - and I hear others telling them that oh, yes, you do hard work, it is hard to stay home, you do do a lot of work, no one can expect you to keep a clean house all the time because of everything else you have to do, can I babysit for you sometime so you can get something done / have some time to yourself.
I've heard it verbally, I see it posted on someone's wall or on a mommy message board probably weekly.
At the same time, if I say something about how busy I am, my house isn't clean, I can't find time to cook, or grocery shop, etc.... well, from my perspective instead of understanding and support, I get told (nicely or not so nicely) that I need to manage my time better.
I mean, if only I managed my time better, I would be better at meal planning, and could pre-cook all of my meals on Sunday to be re-heated during the week, I could cook more.
If only I managed my time better, I could follow FlyLady or Organized Home or Martha Stewart and my house would be clean.
If only I managed my time better, I could clip coupons and maintain a good grocery list, and zip thru the grocery store in no time, and still spend less money.
Oddly enough, I get more criticism from fellow working moms, and the understanding I do get usually comes from SAHMs. Honestly, I would think it would be the other way around.
At the same time that my perspective tells me SAHMs get more understanding & support than WMs, I also acknowledge the perspective of a lot of SAHMs feel exactly the opposite. And maybe if all of us could somehow take a step back and see things from a completely objective third-party position, then maybe all of our insecurities, and hard feelings, and emotional ickiness would just fall away.
*******************
Those are just two issues, but this idea of perspective has infiltrated my thoughts on nearly every topic over the past few weeks. From Entitlement, to Presidential Debates, to Volunteer Work, to Religion, to Infertility, and so much more... perspective.
*******************
First, in relation to work. Maybe you remember my post asking my co-workers to stop whining. In that post I explain that everyone feels like they are getting a raw deal. And maybe some are. But from what I can see, what makes them feel this way is less what is actually going on, and more their perspective on what has occurred.
Because most of our upper management came from Group B, Group A feels like the org change has been a "takeover". From Group A members I've heard repeatedly "why do we have to do everything the way Group B did it?"
At the exact same time, our mgmt has taken pains to try to make Group A feel included, I've been in the meetings where they refused to change something just to not offend Group A. These actions lead to me hearing from Group B members "why do we have to do everything the way Group A did it?"
If it weren't so annoying, it's kinda funny. Members of both groups feel like "everything" is being done the way the other group did it, and their ways of doing things are being tossed aside.
*******************
Next, in relation to the SAHM vs Working Mom thing. I'm sure my last post on the subject may have ruffled a few feathers. I even debated not posting it, for that reason. But it's my blog, and it articulates well how I feel, so I kept it.
But I kept asking myself why it bothered me so much. And I finally realized. I feel like it's lopsided.
From my perspective - what I see, hear, and deal with on a daily basis - SAHMs get more support than working moms. That's what it boils down to. I'm hurt, upset, and a little angry that working moms aren't given the same support & respect for the job they do as moms.
I hear SAHMs complain about how busy they are, how much work they have to do, how their houses are messy and they can't find the time to get anything done - and I hear others telling them that oh, yes, you do hard work, it is hard to stay home, you do do a lot of work, no one can expect you to keep a clean house all the time because of everything else you have to do, can I babysit for you sometime so you can get something done / have some time to yourself.
I've heard it verbally, I see it posted on someone's wall or on a mommy message board probably weekly.
At the same time, if I say something about how busy I am, my house isn't clean, I can't find time to cook, or grocery shop, etc.... well, from my perspective instead of understanding and support, I get told (nicely or not so nicely) that I need to manage my time better.
I mean, if only I managed my time better, I would be better at meal planning, and could pre-cook all of my meals on Sunday to be re-heated during the week, I could cook more.
If only I managed my time better, I could follow FlyLady or Organized Home or Martha Stewart and my house would be clean.
If only I managed my time better, I could clip coupons and maintain a good grocery list, and zip thru the grocery store in no time, and still spend less money.
Oddly enough, I get more criticism from fellow working moms, and the understanding I do get usually comes from SAHMs. Honestly, I would think it would be the other way around.
At the same time that my perspective tells me SAHMs get more understanding & support than WMs, I also acknowledge the perspective of a lot of SAHMs feel exactly the opposite. And maybe if all of us could somehow take a step back and see things from a completely objective third-party position, then maybe all of our insecurities, and hard feelings, and emotional ickiness would just fall away.
*******************
Those are just two issues, but this idea of perspective has infiltrated my thoughts on nearly every topic over the past few weeks. From Entitlement, to Presidential Debates, to Volunteer Work, to Religion, to Infertility, and so much more... perspective.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
You Can't Claim to be Both
One of my friends, who happens to be a SAHM, posts regularly on Facebook about how she does work, she raises her kids, takes care of her house, etc. It is work. She's tired of people saying she doesn't work, SAHMs do work, blah, blah, blah.
Maybe she's getting some flak from someone in her life about not having a paying job. I don't know. I've never heard anyone say anything to her. I've never seen anyone post anything but supportive things in response to her rants. But I'm not around every moment of every day.
Maybe she's feeling guilty about not having a paying job, and is dealing with some of her own internal issues.
I don't know.
What I do know is that she also regularly posts about where she took the kids that day, how they visited her mom, how she took them to have lunch with her husband, how they went to the park.
And this morning's status really got to me, on a personal level: she posted about how cuddling with her kids after breakfast is the best part of her day.
That's awesome. It really is. I think it's great that you have time to cuddle with your kids after breakfast. I think it's awesome that you get to take your kids to the park in the middle of the day & stay as long as you like. I think it's fantastic that you get to visit your mom whenever you feel like it, or have lunch with their dad once a week. I really do think it's great.
I also acknowledge the fact that she (and other SAHMs) work really, really hard to raise their kids, take care of their homes, etc, etc, etc. It is real work. Please don't take anything I say to mean otherwise. It is work. I acknowledge that, and respect the work that SAHMs do.
But the fact is that you do stay at home (hence the term SAHM).
The fact is that you do not have a job that provides income for your family.
The fact is that it is distinctly because of these two things that you have the honor & privilege of enjoying cuddling with your kids as long as you like after breakfast, taking them to the park in the middle of the day & staying as long as their hearts desire, or visiting your mom for a chat.
There's a reason I take these statements personally.
I take it personally because almost daily my daughter asks me to cuddle in the mornings, and I have to either tell her 'no', or tell her 'only for a few minutes', and then watch the clock like a hawk... because I have a job to get to and don't have the luxury of enjoying extended cuddle time every morning.
I take it personally because today my daughter asked if I could take her to the park after work tonight, and I'm trying to figure out how we can squeeze it in, because I already know I need to stay a bit late at my job tonight, and we're running out of food, so I need to go grocery shopping, so I'm afraid working in a trip to the park probably isn't in the cards at all, and if so, only for a quick 15-20 minutes... because I have a job that takes up the majority of my day.
I take it personally because I adore when I get to visit my parents with my daughter, but those visits are maybe once a month, almost always at the end of a work day, so we don't get much relaxed time to chat... because I have a job that has taken up the beginning of my day.
I take it personally because I can't take my daughter to lunch, we've tried it, because she has too hard of a time saying good-bye to me again in the middle of the day... because I have a job to get back to.
You may think that being called a SAHM is somehow an insult, is somehow a sneaky way of saying that you "don't work", but it's not. It's a way to acknowledge the amazing life that you are honored to lead. Stop selling yourself short by trying to justify your existence.
Stop devaluing the time you are privileged enough to get to spend with your family by insisting on getting credit as a "working" mom.
And stop devaluing my contributions to my family by insisting that you're a working mom too.
Because you're not.
Just as I don't know the challenges of being a SAHM, and would never try to claim to, it's time to admit that you don't know the challenges of being a working mom, so stop trying to claim that too. Either you're a SAHM, or you're not. The lives of SAHMs and Working Moms are distinctly different. You can't claim to be both.
Maybe she's getting some flak from someone in her life about not having a paying job. I don't know. I've never heard anyone say anything to her. I've never seen anyone post anything but supportive things in response to her rants. But I'm not around every moment of every day.
Maybe she's feeling guilty about not having a paying job, and is dealing with some of her own internal issues.
I don't know.
What I do know is that she also regularly posts about where she took the kids that day, how they visited her mom, how she took them to have lunch with her husband, how they went to the park.
And this morning's status really got to me, on a personal level: she posted about how cuddling with her kids after breakfast is the best part of her day.
That's awesome. It really is. I think it's great that you have time to cuddle with your kids after breakfast. I think it's awesome that you get to take your kids to the park in the middle of the day & stay as long as you like. I think it's fantastic that you get to visit your mom whenever you feel like it, or have lunch with their dad once a week. I really do think it's great.
I also acknowledge the fact that she (and other SAHMs) work really, really hard to raise their kids, take care of their homes, etc, etc, etc. It is real work. Please don't take anything I say to mean otherwise. It is work. I acknowledge that, and respect the work that SAHMs do.
But the fact is that you do stay at home (hence the term SAHM).
The fact is that you do not have a job that provides income for your family.
The fact is that it is distinctly because of these two things that you have the honor & privilege of enjoying cuddling with your kids as long as you like after breakfast, taking them to the park in the middle of the day & staying as long as their hearts desire, or visiting your mom for a chat.
There's a reason I take these statements personally.
I take it personally because almost daily my daughter asks me to cuddle in the mornings, and I have to either tell her 'no', or tell her 'only for a few minutes', and then watch the clock like a hawk... because I have a job to get to and don't have the luxury of enjoying extended cuddle time every morning.
I take it personally because today my daughter asked if I could take her to the park after work tonight, and I'm trying to figure out how we can squeeze it in, because I already know I need to stay a bit late at my job tonight, and we're running out of food, so I need to go grocery shopping, so I'm afraid working in a trip to the park probably isn't in the cards at all, and if so, only for a quick 15-20 minutes... because I have a job that takes up the majority of my day.
I take it personally because I adore when I get to visit my parents with my daughter, but those visits are maybe once a month, almost always at the end of a work day, so we don't get much relaxed time to chat... because I have a job that has taken up the beginning of my day.
I take it personally because I can't take my daughter to lunch, we've tried it, because she has too hard of a time saying good-bye to me again in the middle of the day... because I have a job to get back to.
You may think that being called a SAHM is somehow an insult, is somehow a sneaky way of saying that you "don't work", but it's not. It's a way to acknowledge the amazing life that you are honored to lead. Stop selling yourself short by trying to justify your existence.
Stop devaluing the time you are privileged enough to get to spend with your family by insisting on getting credit as a "working" mom.
And stop devaluing my contributions to my family by insisting that you're a working mom too.
Because you're not.
Just as I don't know the challenges of being a SAHM, and would never try to claim to, it's time to admit that you don't know the challenges of being a working mom, so stop trying to claim that too. Either you're a SAHM, or you're not. The lives of SAHMs and Working Moms are distinctly different. You can't claim to be both.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
On Having it All
With the announcement of Yahoo's newest CEO, there's been a lot of talk about whether or not women can truly "have it all".
I suppose some of it may depend on your definition of "having it all".
Is it possible for a woman to have a successful career and still be a good mom? Yes, I believe that it is.
But the truth is I don't think anyone can truly have it all, male or female.
There will always be choices to make, items to prioritize, things that fall by the wayside.
You make a choice. You decide what your priority is, and why. And you have to be good with that.
Whether you are working because you have to, or because you want to, it's all about choices. And no matter what yours is, you have to reach a point in your life where you are at peace with the decisions you're making.
It doesn't mean you won't feel the tug from one side or another on occasion. Or every day. It just means that you know why you're doing what you're doing, and you're good with that.
I've written on here before about how much I struggle being a working mom.
The truth is I love being a mom. Love it. Believe it is my calling in life.
But I also like my job. For the most part I enjoy the work that I do, and I enjoy working with the people that I do. I also make decent pay, and have great benefits.
Due to recent organizational changes, there is a pretty good opportunity to begin climbing the corporate ladder. We have multiple positions to fill, new groups to create. I have the qualifications to fill more than one of thoes.
It would be a promotion, more money, and even better benefits.
FireMan thinks I should try.
I'm not.
I'm making a choice.
The truth is, each of these postions requires greater responsibility than I have now, each of them has the potential for anywhere from 5%-80% travel, they all require overtime, and most of them will deal regularly with critical issues.
I have seen people in these positions go on one-night trips, only to have to stay for a week. I've seen these people jump up from their seats at the office, to go home & pack a bag because they have to leave right now.
It doesn't happen often, but it happens enough to not be weird.
While my children are young, and as long as my husband has a job with shifts where he is gone overnight, I cannot in good conscious be in one of those positions.
There's a reason where the vast majority of the members in our group have spouses who stay home with the kids. It's not just a luxury, it verges on necessity.
Do I have a desire for greater responsibility? Yes.
Would I like to travel for work? Yes.
Do I have interest in their areas of expertise? Yes.
Do I think I have the capability to do their jobs? Yes.
Just not right now.
Right now, motherhood comes first. Okay, not right now, but always.
But right now, I have a young child at home, and because I make her my priority, I could not be successful in a position which required so much of me.
Could I do it? Yes.
Could I do a good job at that position? Not at the moment. At least not up to my own standards.
Are there other positions open within the company that might not be so difficult to transition to? Possibly.
But I'm not looking. Er... rather, I'm looking for future possibilities. Areas I'm interested in, jobs I would like to have. Someday.
And I've told my supervisor that I'd like to transition to more project work, more responsibility. I've told him that I would be looking for a promotion in a few years.
I'm making a choice. I am a working mom, but I am choosing to be home with my child every night. I am choosing not to regularly leave her at preschool for 10+ hours a day. I am choosing to not subject her to the instability of both of her parents performing critical jobs that could alter her daily life at any moment.
I am choosing to stay in a job with less responsibility, so that I have the wherewithall to dedicate myself sufficiently to my tasks, and can do my job well instead of doing poorly at a job with greater responsibility.
At this rate, It's highly unlikely I'll ever be the CEO. If I happen to stay here for the remainder of my working career, at this stage in the game I'll likely never be higher than a Manager, and that would be pushing it.
And that's okay.
I'm making a choice.
And I'm good with that.
Maybe that's what "having it all" is really all about. Or maybe it should be.
I suppose some of it may depend on your definition of "having it all".
Is it possible for a woman to have a successful career and still be a good mom? Yes, I believe that it is.
But the truth is I don't think anyone can truly have it all, male or female.
There will always be choices to make, items to prioritize, things that fall by the wayside.
You make a choice. You decide what your priority is, and why. And you have to be good with that.
Whether you are working because you have to, or because you want to, it's all about choices. And no matter what yours is, you have to reach a point in your life where you are at peace with the decisions you're making.
It doesn't mean you won't feel the tug from one side or another on occasion. Or every day. It just means that you know why you're doing what you're doing, and you're good with that.
I've written on here before about how much I struggle being a working mom.
The truth is I love being a mom. Love it. Believe it is my calling in life.
But I also like my job. For the most part I enjoy the work that I do, and I enjoy working with the people that I do. I also make decent pay, and have great benefits.
Due to recent organizational changes, there is a pretty good opportunity to begin climbing the corporate ladder. We have multiple positions to fill, new groups to create. I have the qualifications to fill more than one of thoes.
It would be a promotion, more money, and even better benefits.
FireMan thinks I should try.
I'm not.
I'm making a choice.
The truth is, each of these postions requires greater responsibility than I have now, each of them has the potential for anywhere from 5%-80% travel, they all require overtime, and most of them will deal regularly with critical issues.
I have seen people in these positions go on one-night trips, only to have to stay for a week. I've seen these people jump up from their seats at the office, to go home & pack a bag because they have to leave right now.
It doesn't happen often, but it happens enough to not be weird.
While my children are young, and as long as my husband has a job with shifts where he is gone overnight, I cannot in good conscious be in one of those positions.
There's a reason where the vast majority of the members in our group have spouses who stay home with the kids. It's not just a luxury, it verges on necessity.
Do I have a desire for greater responsibility? Yes.
Would I like to travel for work? Yes.
Do I have interest in their areas of expertise? Yes.
Do I think I have the capability to do their jobs? Yes.
Just not right now.
Right now, motherhood comes first. Okay, not right now, but always.
But right now, I have a young child at home, and because I make her my priority, I could not be successful in a position which required so much of me.
Could I do it? Yes.
Could I do a good job at that position? Not at the moment. At least not up to my own standards.
Are there other positions open within the company that might not be so difficult to transition to? Possibly.
But I'm not looking. Er... rather, I'm looking for future possibilities. Areas I'm interested in, jobs I would like to have. Someday.
And I've told my supervisor that I'd like to transition to more project work, more responsibility. I've told him that I would be looking for a promotion in a few years.
I'm making a choice. I am a working mom, but I am choosing to be home with my child every night. I am choosing not to regularly leave her at preschool for 10+ hours a day. I am choosing to not subject her to the instability of both of her parents performing critical jobs that could alter her daily life at any moment.
I am choosing to stay in a job with less responsibility, so that I have the wherewithall to dedicate myself sufficiently to my tasks, and can do my job well instead of doing poorly at a job with greater responsibility.
At this rate, It's highly unlikely I'll ever be the CEO. If I happen to stay here for the remainder of my working career, at this stage in the game I'll likely never be higher than a Manager, and that would be pushing it.
And that's okay.
I'm making a choice.
And I'm good with that.
Maybe that's what "having it all" is really all about. Or maybe it should be.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Yes, I need my alone time, but...
Jena has spent the night with my parents on a fairly regular basis since she was six months old.
She's also spent the night with my in-laws, my brother & his wife, my husband's brother & his wife.
Jason & I have taken "just us" trips together since she was around 10 months old, leaving her in the capable hands of family memers.
Spending the night away from home is nothing new for her.
Spending the night away from my baby is nothing new for me.
I believe it's good for us, as individuals, and as a family.
Sometimes, I simply need some alone time to recharge.
Sometimes, Jason & I need some time together to reconnect.
Both of which enhance our family as a whole, not even counting the personal growth Jena is experiencing by learning to spend time away from her parents.
But, the truth is... as much as I enjoy the time away from my child, so that I can focus on my husband, or simply relax in quiet, or sometimes get stuff done... I also hate it.
My heart aches to be with my baby again.
Today Mamaw is picking Jena up from preschool and she is spending the night at Mamaw's house.
Even now, a time when I am at work, Jena is at preschool, and I wouldn't see her anyway, even now, just knowing that I won't be picking her up after work & taking her home with me makes my stomach sink.
Such is the dichotomy of motherhood, I suppose.
I need time alone. I need time alone with my husband. Both things help me to be a better mom, help me to support my family better.
But the very same part of me that tells me when I need alone time, also cries at the thought of not being with my daughter, even for a night. Even for a moment longer than usual.
Three years later, and I'm still not used to it.
Part of me wonders if you're ever completely used to your child leaving, even when they're grown.
She's also spent the night with my in-laws, my brother & his wife, my husband's brother & his wife.
Jason & I have taken "just us" trips together since she was around 10 months old, leaving her in the capable hands of family memers.
Spending the night away from home is nothing new for her.
Spending the night away from my baby is nothing new for me.
I believe it's good for us, as individuals, and as a family.
Sometimes, I simply need some alone time to recharge.
Sometimes, Jason & I need some time together to reconnect.
Both of which enhance our family as a whole, not even counting the personal growth Jena is experiencing by learning to spend time away from her parents.
But, the truth is... as much as I enjoy the time away from my child, so that I can focus on my husband, or simply relax in quiet, or sometimes get stuff done... I also hate it.
My heart aches to be with my baby again.
Today Mamaw is picking Jena up from preschool and she is spending the night at Mamaw's house.
Even now, a time when I am at work, Jena is at preschool, and I wouldn't see her anyway, even now, just knowing that I won't be picking her up after work & taking her home with me makes my stomach sink.
Such is the dichotomy of motherhood, I suppose.
I need time alone. I need time alone with my husband. Both things help me to be a better mom, help me to support my family better.
But the very same part of me that tells me when I need alone time, also cries at the thought of not being with my daughter, even for a night. Even for a moment longer than usual.
Three years later, and I'm still not used to it.
Part of me wonders if you're ever completely used to your child leaving, even when they're grown.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Parenting Don'ts... that I did
or maybe still do.
Because we're all just doing our best.
Because judging one another needs to stop.
Because if I looked hard enough, I could find something to judge you for.
Not that I've ever intentionally hid any of these, but I'm letting them go, being upfront and honest, and telling you that I'm doing the best I can, just like you.
Flame away if you must.
********************
- I got my hair dyed while I was pregnant.
I couldn't find any reliable research to say that it would do anything to harm the baby, so heck yeah, I covered my gray.
- I let Jena play outside. By herself.
If you count 'with four dogs' by herself. I check on her every few minutes.
- I let Jena play in the bath by herself.
Once I get done washing her, if she's not ready to get out within a few minutes, I leave the bathroom. I pick up random crap around the house, walking past the bathroom and poking my head in every couple of minutes.
- We totally follow the 5 second rule in our house.
And sometimes extend it to ten.
- I rarely washed my hands when Jena was a newborn.
Oh, after the potty & before eating sure. But I figured she should be exposed to "family" germs, so never really bothered in between those events.
- I feed Jena all kinds of sugar & preservatives & fast food. And very little organic.
She also eats lots of veggies, and fruit, and whole grains. Whatever.
- I have spanked Jena
And smacked her hand. It's rare, but it has happened.
- I don't follow the pediatrician's recommendation on shots.
Nor do we skip all vaccinations. Nor do we follow Dr. So-and-So's modified vaccination schedule. I researched every individual vaccine myself and we have followed a modified schedule of our own, making our own judgement on what is best for our daughter, instead of following blanket advice from either side of the table.
- I just found out that five years ago the FDA recommended no cold medicine for kids under the age of 6.
Meh.
- We didn't really childproof the house.
But I've already written about that.
- Jena's car seat got turned around before she turned one year old.
Not much before, but she had outgrown the height & weight requirement & had good control of her head. She's moved to each level of seat restraint sooner than the recommended age, but never before the required height & weight. And we follow requirements for both Kentucky & Ohio, since we travel frequently in both.
- similarly, I think putting a child's age on a safety requirement is stupid.
Other than for infants (because you have the whole head-control thing), it makes much more sense to use a combination of height & weight. Some children are big, some are small. Going by an age will make no actual impact on their safety. Going by height & weight will. Needless to say, I ignore the age thing.
- I could have breastfed longer than I did.
But I had extremely low supply (3-4 oz per day) and spending all that time pumping for one feeding a day seemed like a waste. Bring on the formula.
- I let Jena sleep on her belly.
Once she got up the strength, she kept flipping herself over anyway.
- I skipped tummy time
While she loved to sleep on her belly, she hated being awake on her belly. Would scream incessantly till you picked her up. Seriously. I have one such session on tape. It was torture for everyone involved. So after about the 3rd or 4th time, I stopped.
- Jena never slept in our bed as an infant.
She slept in a bassinet next to our bed for about 2 weeks. Then we gradually started moving her farther away. She was in her crib overnight by 6 weeks of age.
- We let Jena cry it out.
As an infant. And thru preschooler-hood. As in now. I self-imposed a 20 minute time limit when she was an infant, which we still hold to, but she rarely went that long. Like maybe twice in her life. She also slept thru the night (6+ hours) by six weeks of age.
- I changed the kitty litter while I was pregnant.
Jason wasn't doing it, and I wasn't getting rid of the cat, so...
- When she was little, I rarely slept when she slept
I felt like I got more out of showering during at least one of those times.
- We went on our first post-baby "date" when she was less than 2 weeks old
It was our first anniversary. We went to lunch & a matinee. My mother-in-law watched her. She was fine. So were we.
- We went on our first "no baby" vacation when she was less than a year old.
We won a dive cruise. In the Bahamas. She stayed with my parents. She was fine. So were we.
- I praise my daughter religiously
I tell her she's awesome, smart, funny, kind, amazing, and beautiful multiple times a day.
- I still let Jena drink from a sippy.
She's nearly four. She can drink from a regular cup just fine. But walking around the house, or on the go, a sippy is safer for my floors, my furniture, and my sanity.
- I still ask Jena if she wants a paci. If she asks for it, I give it.
She's never been addicted, and it's better for her teeth than sucking on her fingers (which she tries to do).
*********************************
So there you have it. My list of "don'ts" that I so did. Or still do.
What about you? What have you done "wrong" as a parent?
As always, thanks for checking in!
*********************************
this post inspired by this post
Because we're all just doing our best.
Because judging one another needs to stop.
Because if I looked hard enough, I could find something to judge you for.
Not that I've ever intentionally hid any of these, but I'm letting them go, being upfront and honest, and telling you that I'm doing the best I can, just like you.
Flame away if you must.
********************
- I got my hair dyed while I was pregnant.
I couldn't find any reliable research to say that it would do anything to harm the baby, so heck yeah, I covered my gray.
- I let Jena play outside. By herself.
If you count 'with four dogs' by herself. I check on her every few minutes.
- I let Jena play in the bath by herself.
Once I get done washing her, if she's not ready to get out within a few minutes, I leave the bathroom. I pick up random crap around the house, walking past the bathroom and poking my head in every couple of minutes.
- We totally follow the 5 second rule in our house.
And sometimes extend it to ten.
- I rarely washed my hands when Jena was a newborn.
Oh, after the potty & before eating sure. But I figured she should be exposed to "family" germs, so never really bothered in between those events.
- I feed Jena all kinds of sugar & preservatives & fast food. And very little organic.
She also eats lots of veggies, and fruit, and whole grains. Whatever.
- I have spanked Jena
And smacked her hand. It's rare, but it has happened.
- I don't follow the pediatrician's recommendation on shots.
Nor do we skip all vaccinations. Nor do we follow Dr. So-and-So's modified vaccination schedule. I researched every individual vaccine myself and we have followed a modified schedule of our own, making our own judgement on what is best for our daughter, instead of following blanket advice from either side of the table.
- I just found out that five years ago the FDA recommended no cold medicine for kids under the age of 6.
Meh.
- We didn't really childproof the house.
But I've already written about that.
- Jena's car seat got turned around before she turned one year old.
Not much before, but she had outgrown the height & weight requirement & had good control of her head. She's moved to each level of seat restraint sooner than the recommended age, but never before the required height & weight. And we follow requirements for both Kentucky & Ohio, since we travel frequently in both.
- similarly, I think putting a child's age on a safety requirement is stupid.
Other than for infants (because you have the whole head-control thing), it makes much more sense to use a combination of height & weight. Some children are big, some are small. Going by an age will make no actual impact on their safety. Going by height & weight will. Needless to say, I ignore the age thing.
- I could have breastfed longer than I did.
But I had extremely low supply (3-4 oz per day) and spending all that time pumping for one feeding a day seemed like a waste. Bring on the formula.
- I let Jena sleep on her belly.
Once she got up the strength, she kept flipping herself over anyway.
- I skipped tummy time
While she loved to sleep on her belly, she hated being awake on her belly. Would scream incessantly till you picked her up. Seriously. I have one such session on tape. It was torture for everyone involved. So after about the 3rd or 4th time, I stopped.
- Jena never slept in our bed as an infant.
She slept in a bassinet next to our bed for about 2 weeks. Then we gradually started moving her farther away. She was in her crib overnight by 6 weeks of age.
- We let Jena cry it out.
As an infant. And thru preschooler-hood. As in now. I self-imposed a 20 minute time limit when she was an infant, which we still hold to, but she rarely went that long. Like maybe twice in her life. She also slept thru the night (6+ hours) by six weeks of age.
- I changed the kitty litter while I was pregnant.
Jason wasn't doing it, and I wasn't getting rid of the cat, so...
- When she was little, I rarely slept when she slept
I felt like I got more out of showering during at least one of those times.
- We went on our first post-baby "date" when she was less than 2 weeks old
It was our first anniversary. We went to lunch & a matinee. My mother-in-law watched her. She was fine. So were we.
- We went on our first "no baby" vacation when she was less than a year old.
We won a dive cruise. In the Bahamas. She stayed with my parents. She was fine. So were we.
- I praise my daughter religiously
I tell her she's awesome, smart, funny, kind, amazing, and beautiful multiple times a day.
- I still let Jena drink from a sippy.
She's nearly four. She can drink from a regular cup just fine. But walking around the house, or on the go, a sippy is safer for my floors, my furniture, and my sanity.
- I still ask Jena if she wants a paci. If she asks for it, I give it.
She's never been addicted, and it's better for her teeth than sucking on her fingers (which she tries to do).
*********************************
So there you have it. My list of "don'ts" that I so did. Or still do.
What about you? What have you done "wrong" as a parent?
As always, thanks for checking in!
*********************************
this post inspired by this post
Friday, December 16, 2011
Each mom is different. Each mom is equal.
A while ago I heard a working mom defend her choice to be a full-time working mom by saying that working moms who were dissatisfied just weren't in the right career field.
Her point was that she was tired of women saying they wanted to stay at home, when really they just needed to find a more fulfilling career, that the most important thing to being an effective mom was to be happy and content with your life.
Something like that.
This was months, maybe a year or more ago, so my memory is foggy, but that was the main point.
I didn't argue. Because while there are a million things wrong with her statement, her overall point is valid: being happy and content has more of an effect on your mothering abilities than your actual career choice.
I've thought about this repeatedly since.
I thought about it a couple of weeks ago when a stay-at-home mom told me that working moms just don't understand the stresses of being a SAHM, and if she weren't able to put her kids (an infant and a toddler) in front of the television for several hours every day, she wouldn't survive.
I didn't judge her for using the television to babysit. And I know that being a SAHM can be very stressful at times. But I did think: maybe being a SAHM isn't right for you.
Similar to the reverse of my situation.
Why blog about this today? Well, this morning driving to work, I pretty much had the realization that I have been trying, and failing, at this working mom thing for three years now. At what point do I (and my family) just admit that maybe it's just not forme us, throw in the towel, and find something that creates tranquility for our entire family?
SAHM? Maybe. Part-time work? Maybe. Work-from-home? Maybe.
But really, after three years of trying, and failing, and now, when I can say that I am happy with my life, I feel balanced, I'm in a really good place overall... I still cannot make this work.
I am stressed out and exhausted all week. I'm depressed on Sundays, giddy on Fridays. I'm pretty sure I'm the parent-FAIL at FireGirl's preschool, and I can admit fully that I know my work has suffered greatly since I became a parent. I'm just a mess.
It's been three years. Three years of me putting in effort, of repeatedly trying, and failing, and then getting stressed & frustrated, and sometimes depressed because I can't seem to figure out what millions of other working moms seem to do just fine, and many of them even enjoy.
Similarly, the SAHM who is putting their child(ren) in front of the television for hours every single day because being a SAHM is so stressful for her (that's the key, the "because it's so stressful" part)... maybe it's time she looked for a part-time job. Despite what many might tell her, perhaps her family will be happier, her children will do better, if she is less stressed. And maybe, just maybe, this could be accomplished thru a part-time, or even full-time job.
I guess what I'm trying to say is...
At what point, do we just admit that not every role is right for every mom, and it doesn't mean we failed, it simply means maybe we're the right actress in the wrong play?
At what point do just give each other a break, tell each other (and ourselves) that maybe it's okay to stop fighting thru the muck of the role that we're in right now and move over to try something else?
When do we tell the working mom that's been struggling for years that it's okay, that there is no shame in admitting that she can't do it anymore, and maybe she'll be the best darn SAHM there ever was?
When do we tell the stressed-out SAHM that there is no shame in admitting that she didn't enjoy being home as much as she thought she would, and maybe her family will be more balanced if she goes back to work?
At what point do we recognize and acknowledge that every mom's role is glorious in its own right, that none is better than the other, that they all serve different purposes, teach different lessons, and they all raise marvelous children in fantastically different ways?
It just frustrates me that we as mothers tend to be so hard on ourselves, but it's more than that. Society is hard on us, and we are hard on each other.
We're all doing the best we can, the best we know how to do for our families. Do we sometimes make mistakes? Sure... we all do. Which means we are all in need of one another's grace and support.
Anyway, back to my original point... my point being that yes, getting the hang of being a mom takes time. Anytime you take on a new role in life it does.
But having as many working moms in my circle as I do... I'm 99% sure I should not still be struggling this much three years later.
Maybe... it's time to admit not that I have failed, but that I have been in the wrong role. That being a full time working mom is not the best role for me to be in. That the more I struggle, the less I am able to fulfill my role as a wife and mother, and that it is in fact not serving my family by staying in the working world, but perhaps may be an injustice to them.
Perhaps being a SAHM will be a better fit, like I have thought. Although now that FireGirl is older and in preschool, I wonder if working part-time might not be a better fit. Or maybe staying home but doing regular volunteer work. Or starting my own business like my sister did when she found herself out of work.
What niche will I fit in best? Will it change through the years as my family changes? As I change? Only time will tell...
... or will it? Because right now we can't afford for me to quit my job. Not without losing our house. And I can't imagine that's good for any of us.
So... blah. frustrated. stressed. stuck.
stuck.
stuck in a role which I more & more believe is not right for me, and not right for my family.
What to do... what to do...
In the meantime, where do you find your niche? Are you in it now, or working towards getting there?
Her point was that she was tired of women saying they wanted to stay at home, when really they just needed to find a more fulfilling career, that the most important thing to being an effective mom was to be happy and content with your life.
Something like that.
This was months, maybe a year or more ago, so my memory is foggy, but that was the main point.
I didn't argue. Because while there are a million things wrong with her statement, her overall point is valid: being happy and content has more of an effect on your mothering abilities than your actual career choice.
I've thought about this repeatedly since.
I thought about it a couple of weeks ago when a stay-at-home mom told me that working moms just don't understand the stresses of being a SAHM, and if she weren't able to put her kids (an infant and a toddler) in front of the television for several hours every day, she wouldn't survive.
I didn't judge her for using the television to babysit. And I know that being a SAHM can be very stressful at times. But I did think: maybe being a SAHM isn't right for you.
Similar to the reverse of my situation.
Why blog about this today? Well, this morning driving to work, I pretty much had the realization that I have been trying, and failing, at this working mom thing for three years now. At what point do I (and my family) just admit that maybe it's just not for
SAHM? Maybe. Part-time work? Maybe. Work-from-home? Maybe.
But really, after three years of trying, and failing, and now, when I can say that I am happy with my life, I feel balanced, I'm in a really good place overall... I still cannot make this work.
I am stressed out and exhausted all week. I'm depressed on Sundays, giddy on Fridays. I'm pretty sure I'm the parent-FAIL at FireGirl's preschool, and I can admit fully that I know my work has suffered greatly since I became a parent. I'm just a mess.
It's been three years. Three years of me putting in effort, of repeatedly trying, and failing, and then getting stressed & frustrated, and sometimes depressed because I can't seem to figure out what millions of other working moms seem to do just fine, and many of them even enjoy.
Similarly, the SAHM who is putting their child(ren) in front of the television for hours every single day because being a SAHM is so stressful for her (that's the key, the "because it's so stressful" part)... maybe it's time she looked for a part-time job. Despite what many might tell her, perhaps her family will be happier, her children will do better, if she is less stressed. And maybe, just maybe, this could be accomplished thru a part-time, or even full-time job.
I guess what I'm trying to say is...
At what point, do we just admit that not every role is right for every mom, and it doesn't mean we failed, it simply means maybe we're the right actress in the wrong play?
At what point do just give each other a break, tell each other (and ourselves) that maybe it's okay to stop fighting thru the muck of the role that we're in right now and move over to try something else?
When do we tell the working mom that's been struggling for years that it's okay, that there is no shame in admitting that she can't do it anymore, and maybe she'll be the best darn SAHM there ever was?
When do we tell the stressed-out SAHM that there is no shame in admitting that she didn't enjoy being home as much as she thought she would, and maybe her family will be more balanced if she goes back to work?
At what point do we recognize and acknowledge that every mom's role is glorious in its own right, that none is better than the other, that they all serve different purposes, teach different lessons, and they all raise marvelous children in fantastically different ways?
It just frustrates me that we as mothers tend to be so hard on ourselves, but it's more than that. Society is hard on us, and we are hard on each other.
We're all doing the best we can, the best we know how to do for our families. Do we sometimes make mistakes? Sure... we all do. Which means we are all in need of one another's grace and support.
Anyway, back to my original point... my point being that yes, getting the hang of being a mom takes time. Anytime you take on a new role in life it does.
But having as many working moms in my circle as I do... I'm 99% sure I should not still be struggling this much three years later.
Maybe... it's time to admit not that I have failed, but that I have been in the wrong role. That being a full time working mom is not the best role for me to be in. That the more I struggle, the less I am able to fulfill my role as a wife and mother, and that it is in fact not serving my family by staying in the working world, but perhaps may be an injustice to them.
Perhaps being a SAHM will be a better fit, like I have thought. Although now that FireGirl is older and in preschool, I wonder if working part-time might not be a better fit. Or maybe staying home but doing regular volunteer work. Or starting my own business like my sister did when she found herself out of work.
What niche will I fit in best? Will it change through the years as my family changes? As I change? Only time will tell...
... or will it? Because right now we can't afford for me to quit my job. Not without losing our house. And I can't imagine that's good for any of us.
So... blah. frustrated. stressed. stuck.
stuck.
stuck in a role which I more & more believe is not right for me, and not right for my family.
What to do... what to do...
In the meantime, where do you find your niche? Are you in it now, or working towards getting there?
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
If I could mother a million babies...
... I would adopt them all.
I saved this link as something to write to my readers about. But what to say still escapes me. So maybe it is enough just to share the story.
Despite Rapid Growth, India Lets Its Girls Die
I saved this link as something to write to my readers about. But what to say still escapes me. So maybe it is enough just to share the story.
Despite Rapid Growth, India Lets Its Girls Die
Thursday, August 11, 2011
What are you trying to prove ??
A while back, Nota wrote a great post entitled Walking Away from the Proving Grounds.
I love this post.
Why? Because I think it's something every single one of us can relate to.
Oh, sure, Nota's post is specifically about running. And Lord knows I'm not a runner.
But as a young musician I once cancelled my audition for the conservatory the day before, because I realized I didn't need to prove myself to anyone.
While most people in my real life know that I play the trumpet, what relatively few know is that I used to be quite good.
I trained my entire junior high & high school years for a career in music. Classical music, specifically.
My family hadlimited no funds to really support my endeavour, so I saved my allowances to pay for private lessons. I bought my own books, did my own research. And practiced. I spent God-knows-how-many hours practicing in our basement. Lord, did I practice.
By all means I had nowhere near the book knowledge of classical music, music history, etc. as many of my student-colleagues. But I was good.
Quite frankly, I was darn good.
My teenage years I practiced daily, performed several times a month, and had the privilege to perform in several different states around the country.
I became known.
In certain circles, anyway.
You know, when you meet someone completely new, in a totally different, non-musical environment, and they cock their head and say "hey, aren't you that trumpet chick?"
Why yes, Iam was.
I loved it. I loved music. I loved making music.
But I digress.
As I progressed, thenatural normal society- and- education- imposed progress is to compete. In ensembles. By yourself. Against others. Against yourself. You allow others to judge you. You allow experts to judge your performance.
You prove yourself. To the experts. To your colleagues. To yourself.
And that's what I did. And I did well at the competitions. Somewhere in my parents' home are the trophies and badges and ribbons to prove it.
But sometime during my senior year of high school, as I was desparately saving every penny (it was not uncommon for me to pay my tudor in change, bless his heart) to pay for lessons to prepare for my conservatory auditions... well, somewhere in there... I had an epiphany.
My audience loved my music.
Do you know, in marching band, I once had a woman tell me that my solo was so moving it made her cry? A chick in a marching band uniform standing on a football field played so beautifully it made her cry?!?
I was regularly told how people were moved to tears. That I gave them chills. That I was blessing them. That they were touched by my performance.
So why then... did I care... if some judge, any judge, any expert... thought I was good at all? Why did I care if I was marked down, yet again, for my embouchre, which was never what it "should" be? And really, why was I still seeking a career in music, if as an amateur, a teenager even, I could invoke such a reaction from my audience?
I fought a philosophical war with myself for weeks. This is what I had prepared my whole life to do. This was all I knew. If I didn't allow this judging to continue, and enter school for music... then... what would I do?!?
But I already had my answer. And when it came down to pressure time, the night before my audition, I called and cancelled.
After I graduated from high school, I stopped playing for two months. I never intended to stop altogether. Just needed a sabbatical, of sorts.
Eventually (and a long story of how it happened later), I joined my university marching band, and played to my heart's content.
And then basketball band. And then concert band.
And then I took so many music courses that by the time I graduated I was fairly close to having my minor in music.
But mostly, I just enjoyed being a band nerd.
Because I liked making music. And when it came to the music part of band, I no longer had anything to prove.
*********************
So that's probably my biggest single story of walking away from the proving grounds. Of realizing that I don't always have to prove something.
There is balance in there though. I am not nearly the musician I was when I was proving myself to the world. And there is beauty in that achievement.
I think the most difficult part of any journey is finding that balance. Of proving yourself, and enjoying the moment, enjoying the accomplishment. Of jumping in when you're ready (and sometimes when you're not), and walking away when you sense that that part of your life is over.
We all prove ourselves in different ways. I still sometimes find myself struggling to prove myself as a wife & mother. Mostly to myself, but somewhat to others.
And with the variety of supervisors I've had at work lately, I've found myself in the unsavory position of having to re-prove myself in the workplace, repeatedly, over the past several months.
We all do it. It's part of life. And like any journey, sometimes it's about knowing when to get on the highway, and when to take that off-ramp to the next destination.
I love this post.
Why? Because I think it's something every single one of us can relate to.
Oh, sure, Nota's post is specifically about running. And Lord knows I'm not a runner.
But as a young musician I once cancelled my audition for the conservatory the day before, because I realized I didn't need to prove myself to anyone.
While most people in my real life know that I play the trumpet, what relatively few know is that I used to be quite good.
I trained my entire junior high & high school years for a career in music. Classical music, specifically.
My family had
By all means I had nowhere near the book knowledge of classical music, music history, etc. as many of my student-colleagues. But I was good.
Quite frankly, I was darn good.
My teenage years I practiced daily, performed several times a month, and had the privilege to perform in several different states around the country.
I became known.
In certain circles, anyway.
You know, when you meet someone completely new, in a totally different, non-musical environment, and they cock their head and say "hey, aren't you that trumpet chick?"
Why yes, I
I loved it. I love
But I digress.
As I progressed, the
You prove yourself. To the experts. To your colleagues. To yourself.
And that's what I did. And I did well at the competitions. Somewhere in my parents' home are the trophies and badges and ribbons to prove it.
But sometime during my senior year of high school, as I was desparately saving every penny (it was not uncommon for me to pay my tudor in change, bless his heart) to pay for lessons to prepare for my conservatory auditions... well, somewhere in there... I had an epiphany.
My audience loved my music.
Do you know, in marching band, I once had a woman tell me that my solo was so moving it made her cry? A chick in a marching band uniform standing on a football field played so beautifully it made her cry?!?
I was regularly told how people were moved to tears. That I gave them chills. That I was blessing them. That they were touched by my performance.
So why then... did I care... if some judge, any judge, any expert... thought I was good at all? Why did I care if I was marked down, yet again, for my embouchre, which was never what it "should" be? And really, why was I still seeking a career in music, if as an amateur, a teenager even, I could invoke such a reaction from my audience?
I fought a philosophical war with myself for weeks. This is what I had prepared my whole life to do. This was all I knew. If I didn't allow this judging to continue, and enter school for music... then... what would I do?!?
But I already had my answer. And when it came down to pressure time, the night before my audition, I called and cancelled.
After I graduated from high school, I stopped playing for two months. I never intended to stop altogether. Just needed a sabbatical, of sorts.
Eventually (and a long story of how it happened later), I joined my university marching band, and played to my heart's content.
And then basketball band. And then concert band.
And then I took so many music courses that by the time I graduated I was fairly close to having my minor in music.
But mostly, I just enjoyed being a band nerd.
Because I like
*********************
So that's probably my biggest single story of walking away from the proving grounds. Of realizing that I don't always have to prove something.
There is balance in there though. I am not nearly the musician I was when I was proving myself to the world. And there is beauty in that achievement.
I think the most difficult part of any journey is finding that balance. Of proving yourself, and enjoying the moment, enjoying the accomplishment. Of jumping in when you're ready (and sometimes when you're not), and walking away when you sense that that part of your life is over.
We all prove ourselves in different ways. I still sometimes find myself struggling to prove myself as a wife & mother. Mostly to myself, but somewhat to others.
And with the variety of supervisors I've had at work lately, I've found myself in the unsavory position of having to re-prove myself in the workplace, repeatedly, over the past several months.
We all do it. It's part of life. And like any journey, sometimes it's about knowing when to get on the highway, and when to take that off-ramp to the next destination.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
FireGirl is growing up way too fast
And this has been causing me some anxiety lately.
Not sure "anxiety" is exactly the right word. Mental duress? ha!
I bounce back & forth between thinking this is normal mommy feelings, and this is completely unreasonable.
I just can't believe how big she is. How grown up she's getting. She's not a baby anymore. She's a little girl. In some ways she's a big girl.
Of course she'll always be MY baby. Forever and ever and always. Even when she's grown.
Of course, me being me, I try to figure out WHY I'm feeling this way. Usually when I'm on the this-is-completely-unreasonable end of things.Let's see...
She starts her new preschool in five weeks. She'll go three days a week. Full days.
That seems more like "real" school. So that probably has something to do with it. Right?
And it just seems like she's developing really quickly here lately.Her speech continues to move ahead at lightening speed. It's clearer & clearer every day. Phrases getting longer & longer.
She picks up on things so darn quickly. Always has, really. But now that she can talk & communicate with us, it's just so incredibly obvious how fast she's learning.
She's so polite. Says "please" and "thank you" like such a little lady.
She's a great nurturer. You should see her with her dolls. And her stuffed animals. And the infants at the sitter's. Her sitter says she's a great helper, and one of her favorite things to do is help with the babies. I've seen it with my own eyes.I think seeing MY baby take care of HER babies just reinforces to me how big she really is, you know?
And she's growing physically. Again.
Honestly, it's not such a big deal at this point, but I really do hope her height slows down before too long. For her sake. Let's face it, in our society a very tall girl just has a harder time. Same with very short boys. It's not right, but it's how it is.
That being said, at two-and-a-half years of age, some of her 3T shirts are just starting to show her belly. Which means the rest of the 3T shirts are soon to
follow. So we have begun buying 4T shirts. For our 2 year old. Hrmph.
That being said, at two-and-a-half years of age, some of her 3T shirts are just starting to show her belly. Which means the rest of the 3T shirts are soon to
follow. So we have begun buying 4T shirts. For our 2 year old. Hrmph.And if my hunch is correct, her body is gearing up for another growth spurt in the near future. {{sigh}}
And those of you that have been following my blog for even a short while know of the... discussion... between FireMan and I regarding having more children.
As much as I'm trying to hold out hope, I think there's a part of me that is giving up.
No more babies.
Which means that my baby, my ONLY baby, isn't even a baby anymore.And the thought of that, the thought of not having a baby anymore, of not having a baby in our house ever again... yeah... since I'm starting to cry as I write this, I'm gonna go with that being the root of my "mental duress".
Oh, it's not fair.
And I try to tell myself I'm being silly, I'm being stupid, I'm being selfish.
Because I am sooooooooooooooo blessed. So very, very blessed. And I know that.Please, I don't want anyone to think for a second that I take FireGirl for granted, that I don't appreciate her for how amazing she is, for what an enormous blessing she is in my life.
I know I am blessed to have her, to have even one baby, to have my FireGirl.
I know I am blessed to have her, to have even one baby, to have my FireGirl.
But... oh, I really didn't intend this post to turn out this way. It was supposed to be all about my anxiety about her growing up. And then I started rambling. Oh.I'm gonna leave this post as is. Because it's honest. Raw & honest. Unedited. Who I am at this moment. What I'm dealing with right now.
But I am going to stop this post here. Even though it somehow seems unfinished. I just think it's better that I end it here than keep rambling.
As always, thanks for checking in.
As always, thanks for checking in.
Monday, December 20, 2010
s/o Daycare (and a tiny pit on Parenting in general)
So in my post the other day I mentioned that I am not comfortable putting FireGirl in a school-type daycare setting for an extended period of time during the week.
I just want to make it clear that I am not in any way, shape, or form against daycare centers, Montessori or otherwise. Not one little bit.
Daycare facilities are a valid, worthwhile choice for working parents, an option that, like all others, has its own sets of pros and cons.
It's just an option that I am not comfortable with, for my daughter, for our family, for our current situation.
See, there's this theory I have on parenting, that, well, everyone is different. Every child is different. Every family is different. Every situation is different. What works for one won't work for another. What is ideal for one isn't ideal for another.
I think there is very little "right" or "wrong" (assuming there is no abuse or neglect, of course), but just figuring out what works for you and yours.
So really, just because I might say that I choose to do something with FireGirl that maybe you didn't do, or that I'm not doing something that you did, or what-not, it doesn't mean that I think that you're wrong, or made a bad decision. It just means that I don't think it's best for us, right now. And that's okay too. And it doesn't bother me one bit if you want to do things differently than we did. Go right ahead. Won't hurt my feelings at all!
So, back to the daycare.
I recently came across an in-home daycare whose contract / curriculum / and schedule I love. She is fully licensed, she runs a structured program, but it is run out of her home. I've been to her home and seen the setup. FireGirl has already played with this woman's daughter.
The bonuses? She lives right in-between my home & work. Ten minutes from each. Short detour into her neighborhood, but otherwise it's on the way. And her rates are very reasonable.
I am comfortable with this. For us, this feels right to me.
Of course, I have no idea what her long-term openings are, haven't discussed it with FireMan, none of that. So I don't even know if it's possible. But I'm hopeful.
What I would actually love to see is for FireGirl to attend there four days a week for now (she still attends preschool one day a week thru May), then once my dad's health is better and they feel they are able & willing to watch her again (they've already expressed how much they miss watching her), we could drop down to two days with my parents, two days at the in-home daycare, and one day at pre-school.
And if for some reason she's not available, I'm hoping she can recommend a similar in-home provider in our area.
I just want to make it clear that I am not in any way, shape, or form against daycare centers, Montessori or otherwise. Not one little bit.
Daycare facilities are a valid, worthwhile choice for working parents, an option that, like all others, has its own sets of pros and cons.
It's just an option that I am not comfortable with, for my daughter, for our family, for our current situation.
See, there's this theory I have on parenting, that, well, everyone is different. Every child is different. Every family is different. Every situation is different. What works for one won't work for another. What is ideal for one isn't ideal for another.
I think there is very little "right" or "wrong" (assuming there is no abuse or neglect, of course), but just figuring out what works for you and yours.
So really, just because I might say that I choose to do something with FireGirl that maybe you didn't do, or that I'm not doing something that you did, or what-not, it doesn't mean that I think that you're wrong, or made a bad decision. It just means that I don't think it's best for us, right now. And that's okay too. And it doesn't bother me one bit if you want to do things differently than we did. Go right ahead. Won't hurt my feelings at all!
side note - I really wish I could also get my mother-in-law to understand this point as well. She seems to get very offended if I don't do things exactly as she did, or if I ask her to do something for FireGirl that is something she didn't do with her kids. Even if it's something the pediatrician told us to do (ie "I didn't have to do that with my kids"). Ugh.
So, back to the daycare.
I recently came across an in-home daycare whose contract / curriculum / and schedule I love. She is fully licensed, she runs a structured program, but it is run out of her home. I've been to her home and seen the setup. FireGirl has already played with this woman's daughter.
The bonuses? She lives right in-between my home & work. Ten minutes from each. Short detour into her neighborhood, but otherwise it's on the way. And her rates are very reasonable.
I am comfortable with this. For us, this feels right to me.
Of course, I have no idea what her long-term openings are, haven't discussed it with FireMan, none of that. So I don't even know if it's possible. But I'm hopeful.
What I would actually love to see is for FireGirl to attend there four days a week for now (she still attends preschool one day a week thru May), then once my dad's health is better and they feel they are able & willing to watch her again (they've already expressed how much they miss watching her), we could drop down to two days with my parents, two days at the in-home daycare, and one day at pre-school.
And if for some reason she's not available, I'm hoping she can recommend a similar in-home provider in our area.
That, I think, would work very well for our family. For FireGirl. That, I am comfortable with.
Now, I can't decide if I should talk to her first to check her availability and see what she thinks about my plan, or if I should talk to FireMan first. FireMan doesn't usually like being bothered with these details, so I kinda want to know as much as I can before I approach him. But at the same time I don't want to talk to her and get her hopes up of having another client if he's gonna shoot her down. Hmmmm.....
Now, I can't decide if I should talk to her first to check her availability and see what she thinks about my plan, or if I should talk to FireMan first. FireMan doesn't usually like being bothered with these details, so I kinda want to know as much as I can before I approach him. But at the same time I don't want to talk to her and get her hopes up of having another client if he's gonna shoot her down. Hmmmm.....
Friday, September 24, 2010
Visions of Myself
I have grand visions of myself. Grander than grand. And I'm great at making plans. I'm not always good at following them, but I'm a great planner. I envision myself as so many things, doing so many things, being so many things to so many people. I can see it. Achieving it, however, is often another story.
Here are a few pics that showcase how I envision I could be...
what I could do...
from my fellow bloggers, I see myself...
Running marathons like G Wise
Making beautiful, yummy food like Living Eventfully
Being as awesome as a blogger & photographer as McMama
Being as fashionable & fun as Allison
Being as passionate about music as violajack
But alas! there is just not that much time in a day! No one can do it all, as I've touched on before. And it's good to have plans, aspirations, visions of ourselves in a positive, albeit somewhat unattainable light. And it's so tempting to see ourselves as failures when we don't think we're achieving what we can or should achieve.
And then someone (a dear friend) says (writes) something so simple, yet profound, about their own life (Gracie's Momma), and we're reminded that
all we have to be, is who we already are.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Rough Night #2
It was another night of Jena screaming at bedtime. I'm not sure what's going on. This started happening out of the blue.
I'm starting to think maybe it's separation anxiety, because after our first try at bedtime last night, after I finally went in to get her up, she would not leave my side. Clung to me.
Second try I got her to fall asleep on my chest while sitting on the couch, was sure she was out, got up, laid her in the crib, and... let the screaming commence. Ugh.
I finally ended up taking her into our bed (we have never co-slept with her). She eventually fell asleep, calmly, gripping tightly to my shirt. I managed to pry her loose, then left her there, sleeping peacefully next to me, for about 30 min before I carefully moved her to her crib.
So on night two it took three tries, and three hours. She wasn't in her crib until nearly 1am.
After that I went downstairs to feed the dogs & lock them up for the night, since they had been barking intermittantly. So I finally got to bed around 2am.
Around 5am I am awakened by the sound of Tootsie barking. They managed to get out. Ugh. She barked for a good 30 min before I finally got up & yelled at her. I staggered back to bed & passed out. I wake up to the sound of her barking again at 6am. At 6:30am, I drag myself downstairs and give her a good talking to. She knew she was in trouble. Guess I should have done that in the first place, because there was no more barking.
Unfortunately, there wasn't much more time for sleep either. I crawled back into bed, only for my alarm to go off a couple of minutes later. I hit the snooze until 7:15am, then got up and began getting ready for the day.
Needless to say I am tired & grumpy today. Jodi needs a nap.
I'm starting to think maybe it's separation anxiety, because after our first try at bedtime last night, after I finally went in to get her up, she would not leave my side. Clung to me.
Second try I got her to fall asleep on my chest while sitting on the couch, was sure she was out, got up, laid her in the crib, and... let the screaming commence. Ugh.
I finally ended up taking her into our bed (we have never co-slept with her). She eventually fell asleep, calmly, gripping tightly to my shirt. I managed to pry her loose, then left her there, sleeping peacefully next to me, for about 30 min before I carefully moved her to her crib.
So on night two it took three tries, and three hours. She wasn't in her crib until nearly 1am.
After that I went downstairs to feed the dogs & lock them up for the night, since they had been barking intermittantly. So I finally got to bed around 2am.
Around 5am I am awakened by the sound of Tootsie barking. They managed to get out. Ugh. She barked for a good 30 min before I finally got up & yelled at her. I staggered back to bed & passed out. I wake up to the sound of her barking again at 6am. At 6:30am, I drag myself downstairs and give her a good talking to. She knew she was in trouble. Guess I should have done that in the first place, because there was no more barking.
Unfortunately, there wasn't much more time for sleep either. I crawled back into bed, only for my alarm to go off a couple of minutes later. I hit the snooze until 7:15am, then got up and began getting ready for the day.
Needless to say I am tired & grumpy today. Jodi needs a nap.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Doing it All
I hear this phrase all the time lately. Maybe it's because I'm a mom. Maybe it's because I'm a working mom. Maybe I'm just in tune to it because I feel like I'm trying to do it all.
So since I hear the phrase all the time, I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I've come to the conclusion (thru no actual facts, mind you) that we've been taking the phrase "do it all" the wrong way all along.
My suspicion is that when people started using this phrase in regards to women being able to do it all, they didn't mean that we could do everything, do it well, and balance all the responsibilities at the same time. I'm guessing that maybe what they meant is that women are able to do each and every thing, individually.Do you see the difference?
One states that we have the capability within us to do whatever task we set our minds too. It is an encouraging, uplifting thought. It is attainable.
The other says that we can do all of those tasks simultaneously, do them each well, and let nothing fall to the wayside in the process. It is discouraging, because it is unattainable.
So the next time you hear the phrase "do it all", especially in relation to women doing it all, think to yourselves "yep, we can do whatever we want. But we don't have to do it all now."
So since I hear the phrase all the time, I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I've come to the conclusion (thru no actual facts, mind you) that we've been taking the phrase "do it all" the wrong way all along.
My suspicion is that when people started using this phrase in regards to women being able to do it all, they didn't mean that we could do everything, do it well, and balance all the responsibilities at the same time. I'm guessing that maybe what they meant is that women are able to do each and every thing, individually.Do you see the difference?
One states that we have the capability within us to do whatever task we set our minds too. It is an encouraging, uplifting thought. It is attainable.
The other says that we can do all of those tasks simultaneously, do them each well, and let nothing fall to the wayside in the process. It is discouraging, because it is unattainable.
So the next time you hear the phrase "do it all", especially in relation to women doing it all, think to yourselves "yep, we can do whatever we want. But we don't have to do it all now."
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