Monday, March 14, 2011

I want more babies. My husband doesn't.

This has been a hot topic around our household lately.

We discussed children, including numbers, early on in our dating relationship, realizing that this topic could be a dealbreaker.

Jason wanted two. I wanted more, maybe three or four, but also realized that I wasn't getting any younger, so felt like two was... reasonable.

After having Jena, however, we've gone in completely opposite directions.

Jason is done having kids. He is happy with one, and doesn't want any more.

I... could easily & happily be a Duggar if we could manage it. Seriously. Give me 20 kids. And counting.

This... is a problem.

We can't figure out how to resolve this issue. Basically, one of us will get what we want, while the other is left... less than happy about it.

Basically one of us gets screwed.

And this is a BIG issue, right? I mean, it's kids. Does it get any bigger than that in a marriage?

I feel like my heart is breaking for another child. The ache in my chest is so familiar from when I wanted marriage & a family and it didn't seem possible. It's the same ache.
I honestly don't feel like our family is complete. I feel like there is still a piece missing.
And I hurt for more babies.
I'm not done yet. I'm just not.

While my stance is taken in my heart, Jason's is more in his head. He's not totally opposed to at least one more child. He just doesn't see how it would work, logistically. Two kids in daycare. One being a newborn. I think he's as uncomfortable as I am with putting a newborn in a daycare center, but my parents won't be available this time around, and certainly not for two children. In fact, he's made the statement several times that he would be willing to have more children if I could be a stay-at-home-mom. Which isn't in the cards just yet.

Neither of us wants to force a decision on the other, just for our own happiness.

But neither of us wants to be the one getting screwed either.

And it's not like it's an issue you can compromise on. You can't exactly have half a kid.

Or something you can do on a trial basis.
Okay hunny, we'll have one more kid, but if you're not happy with two kids, I promise to send this one back.Nope. Doesn't work that way.

And it's not like either decision is more right or more wrong than the other, you know? Just different. We both agree that neither decision is going to be better or worse for our family. They just create different scenarios.

So how do you decide?

One of my fears is that by the time we make a decision, if we do decide to have more children, then we will have waited too long and then I won't be physically able to have anymore children.

Let's face it, I'm no spring chicken. Especially when it comes to babymaking. I am dangerously close to the so-old-that-you're-automatically-a-high-risk-pregnancy-just-because-you're-so-old line. Seriously close to that line.

And... one of the reasons we started trying to conceive so soon after our wedding date is because we both have been told by doctors in the past to expect fertility issues. We fully expected it to take longer to conceive. Had the whole when-to-revisit-the-OB, and then when-to-see-the-fertility-specialist dates all mapped out.
It is by God's grace that we conceived Jena on our 2nd cycle trying. And I am acutely aware that just because we conceived so quickly with her, doesn't mean that she's not our "miracle baby", doesn't mean that we don't have actual fertility issues that just haven't been found yet.
We haven't been promised anything, you know?

So... much like this topic in our household, this post has no conclusion, just filled with my rambling thoughts on the subject.

Thanks for checking in!

************************

because this is my #1 most viewed post (as of Jan 2013, and pretty much since it posted), I feel like I should link here to an update. So I am.
Read update on this issue here.

15 comments:

Steph{anie} said...

This is such a tough issue. A close friend is dealing with the same thing and I really wish I had the right things to say to help. Unfortunately, I don't. I'm not one to really deal out advice, but if it were me, I'd keep praying for God to reveal what He wants for your family. If another precious baby belongs in your family, God can change FireMan's heart; if not, I'm sure that in time He'll give you peace about it.

It just sucks to be stuck in limbo.

Nota said...

When we were talking about kids, we had one dealbreaking rule - and that was that we BOTH had to be on the same page about whether or not to have a child. So sorry - if he's not on board, then no baby. At least that's how it would happen for us.

Why does this have to be solved now? Add 'right now' to the end of each of your sentences and that changes things. He doesn't want another baby right now - but he's given you the prescription for what would get him to a 'yes'. You want another baby right now, but you haven't given him any CONCRETE DATA as to how you would make that work. Did you notice that capitalized CONCRETE DATA? I did that b/c you're speaking different languages. You're talking feelings and he's talking facts. It's a fact for your marriage that you can't be a SAHM right now. It's a fact that neither of you want a newborn in daycare. If you want a plan to 'yes', you need to start talking facts. What level of income does he need for you to be a SAHM? What needs to happen for him to get to that level? How much emergency funds do you need in savings? What projects need to be complete around the house and what do those cost? How will not having FireGirl in daycare change your budget? See how answering those questions TOGETHER sounds like you might be formulating a plan to make #2 a reality rather than theory? Get the concrete data out. It could move him to yes faster or help you hit the 'oh crap! what am I thinking?' brakes.

Multi-tasking Mommy said...

Oh honey, I so wish that I had some advice for you, but I just don't. I'm sending some HUGE hugs and support your way! A listening ear whenever you need it!

There is no easy solution to this one, that is for sure.

I wish you luck as you and your hubby work through this difficult decision.

I WISH we could have more kids. Like you, I would LOVE to be a Dugger family--well, maybe not quite that big, but BIG--but it's not in our cards either--financially or physically :(

I guess sometimes we just have to find peace with what we have and somehow figure out how to move on with the rest of our lives....it's difficult though! My empathies...

Thanks so much for stopping by my place today. You gave me some perspective that I hadn't considered, I'd love to email you about it actually cuz we had some "issues" early on in Bunny's life with hormones too!

Marianne said...

I feel like he should still agree to at least a 2nd baby, since that was discussed early on. And while everyone would like to welcome babies into the "perfect" situation, it just can't always happen that way. We we're already paying child support for 2 kids when we had our 1st and went on to have a 2nd. My mom always said if you want it bad enough, you will would find a way. Somehow, things always worked out - if we had waited for things to be ideal, we would never have had children and I didn't see my life without them.

On another note, my sisters were and still are my best friends. Every child should have at least one sibling and at least close enough in age to enjoy each other.

Trina said...

Aye - there is no easy answer. We were the opposite - I reluctantly agreed to 1 when we got married, he wanted 3 or 4. Mind you, three of the four pregnancies almost killed me, but I wouldn't change a thing. I literally cried my eyes out when I found out I was pg with Livy - Desiree was only 14 mos old - 2 little ones, I did not want to go back on bedrest so soon. And she came at 29 weeks. BUT, I would not change a thing. They (the girls) are thick as thieves.

Good luck, There's no easy answer. Thinking of you through this. Yikes!

Melani said...

I will say a prayer for you guys. I am 38 and have 4 kids, ages 18, 16, 5.5 and 3.5. The first two are from my first marriage and then the last two are from my current marriage. 2 boys and 2 girls. I didn't think I would have any more after the first 2 ( I was young, a mere 20 and 22 when I became a mom for one and two and then skip ten years I was gettting older for number 3 and 4).
so, I just think it is a joint thing for you guys and I wish you luck!

Keya said...

So sorry.. I had the same issue with my husband. I didn't feel finished after two and I wanted a third. He was "on the fence" but leaning more to the no category. Really what it came down to was prayer. I asked God specifically if our family was meant to have another baby. The fact of the matter was, if it was in Gods plan for our family then it was going to happen no matter who was on board with the decision. You should check with yourself. That "pulling" you feel on your heart my be Gods way of telling you that another baby is right for your family. It was in my situation. But on the other hand if that pulling has more to do with your ego, and you wanting to "win" then you should reexamine your reasons. I did have a third child, and God gave us exactly the child we needed in this family. He fits in with his brother and sister and is already a "Daddy's boy" at one year old.
Much luck!

Stacie, A Firefighter's Wife said...

My sis is going through this with her husband. They have two, but she wants more. She has had to submit to him in this area, because he is very adament about it. It is sad. She is sad. But she is learning to be content with two God has given her. She figures better to submit than to have a child and feel like she and the child are being resented.

I, on the otherhand, was completely the opposite. I only wanted two and it was my husband that wanted more and more and more. I fought him tooth and nail. I even refused to pray about it because I was afraid what the Lord would say. In the end, I felt God tell me very clearly in my Spirit to submit to Him in this area. Before each of my last four babies, I prayed and prayed until I knew what He wanted me to do. After I had my sixth and I had developed some health issues, I prayed and asked God if I could be done. I felt that at this time, the answer was yes. My hubby would still like more, but he has left it up to me since it is my body. I do appreciate that.

I will pray for you in this situation. If it is the Lord's Will it will happen. I encourage you to lay this at His feet and tell Him your desires. Give them to Him and wait to see what He chooses for you. I KNOW if it is His will he can change your hubby's heart and your financial circustances!

Blessings to you Friend!!!

ChristineMM said...

My husband was one of 3. I was one of 2. I always wanted 3 kids. My husband was miserable being one of 3. He said it was always "2 in, 1 is out". He always wanted just 2.

My husband is also concerned with giving our kids things like paying for their college education and he worried he could not financially provide for 3 kids but he could handle 2.

We were taking risks and I believe I was pregnant when he lost his job. I was under such stress I finally on day 65 got my period. I believe I miscarried due to stress.

We stopped taking risks during the unemployment and started using contraception. Years of stress meant the baby #3 never happened.

I got to a point in time where I realized I was done. Although I was bitter feeling, sometimes, feeling that the hardships prevented me from fulfilling what I wanted for our family life, I treid not to let myself feel bitter. I tried to focus on feeling gratitude.

I realized I could focus on just the 2 kids and then have more time for myself even, as they got older, I could actually exercise and do other things that I'd not done for years.

In the times when I felt that someone or a circumstance was preventing me from doing what I wanted I felt angry. I was conditioned by society to think that I deserved to do whatever I said I wanted to do, it was up to me to decide. If I wanted it, I should have it. It's actually kind of selfish if you think about it. When I let that go and focused on the gratitude for what I already had in my life I felt fine with "just" having two kids.

I have a full and rich life with "just" 2 kids and a healthy marriage. Some days I wonder how could I do it if I had 3 or more kids? I would be a different person and a different mom and I've decided to just be happy with who I am right now.

Just sharing my experience.

Christa aka The BabbyMama said...

There's no right or wrong answer. Other than pray, I suppose. It looks like we'll be having two. I wouldn't mind three, since I got used to the idea when we were expecting twins (I later miscarried). Having my husband agree to two was surprising in a way. He's so cautious, coming from bad family circumstances. Which is funny, since I came from a pretty messed up background - but I also had lots of other family that was steadfast in marriage and loving so there was a counter-example. It's hard. You're right, there is no compromise.

Optimistic Mom said...

I am a little late to this post, but I hope that prayer and communication have helped you through the process.

bonnie-bonnbonnboutiqe.blogspot.com said...

visiting from sits and I could seriously not stop at one post. love your blog!

Kim said...

My personal feeling on this is to be grateful for the one child you have already been blessed.

So many women out there; myself included, have struggled to get pregnant. Many of us look at women like yourself who are insistent to have 2, 3, 4+ kids when you have 1 already as if you're not thankful to have been blessed. For all I know you do feel blessed but when I personally read "I want X number more kids but my husband doesn't" it just comes across as ungrateful and selfish.

lolomoon said...

I've never responded to blogs-ever, but I am disturbed by Kim's comment. Shame on you for judging someone like that. Everyone has their own pain and if they want 20 kids and hurt because they can't have and loveore children than they are blessed with, then have some sympathy. But I guess you can't do that...you're too busy judging!!!

lolomoon said...

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