Toot Toot Tootsie GoodBye

We have said good-bye to our beloved Tootsie

She's been sick for two years, but in the span of a few short weeks her condition went downhill very quickly, deteriorating ever-rapidly her last three days.

The growth on her side continued to grow. Quickly. Within three weeks it went from tiny knot on her side, to a growth nearly 6 inches in diameter. She couldn't sit or lie down without rubbing it.

But she was hanging in there. But her last two days she was suddenly unable to get up. At all. Not even sit up. She had no strength. We had to bring food & water to her, clean up after her, etc.

It was time.

There was no doubt, no question. We knew her heart condition was incurable.
We suspected her growth to be cancer. We knew her age was at the maximum expected life span for her breed. It was time.

And so, we had her euthanized.
It doesn't take away the feeling of loss, but there is comfort in knowing that she is not suffering any longer.

Stupid dog. Making me cry.

Goodbye Tootsie. Big Dog #2. The momma of the pack. Brown dog. Daddy's dog.

You are missed.

Randoms

It dawned on me as I was writing one of the latest posts about my nephew, that this blog will be a good chronicle of his journey. No, I'm not at the hospital every day like his family is. But I am the only person writing about it on a near-daily experience.

**********************

You guys know I pre-write most of my posts, right? Well, I do. Most of them. I write them, then schedule for them to be published at 12noon each day.
It works really well for me because I tend to have bursts of writing mojo, followed by writer's block. So if I pre-write them and schedule them out, there's no gap on my blog.
Right now I have the next 3 weeks scheduled out.
99% of the reason behind that is because updates on my nephew kept pushing other posts out further.

***********************

Sometimes I think it'll be weird if I die suddenly (okay, I guess that would always be weird in some way), but in relation to my blog it would be weird because my posts would keep showing up every day at 12noon, even though I was already dead.

Spooky.

********************

The other day Jena told me Tootsie had a week or less before she died.

Mostly I'm writing this down in case it happens.

She is old...

*******************

I guess that's all for now.
As always, thanks for checking in!

Random Updates

Egg production has increased. Need some regular customers, or I'll be making a LOT of egg recipes!

************

Work has been... frustrating. Still not clear what my role will be in the new division. Which probably explains why people both
a) aren't keeping me in the loop, and
b) are expecting me to know everything
Tough combo.

*************

Tootsie keeps running away. Thru the invisible fence. Thru the strongest setting on the strongest collar you can get. She's now tied up. Which I hate. But it's for her own safety. After the 4th escape she had a gash on her head. If she weren't cat-aggressive, we'd have brought her inside for good.

**************

Heck, if she weren't cat-aggressive, all the dogs would already be inside. That was the plan when we moved to this house, until we discovered her tendency to think cats are yummy.

***************

Jena has been fighting sleep for weeks. Yes, since before her Papaw died. She's also been incredibly clingy,  especially towards me. I haven't been able to figure out why, and I also haven't been able to figure out how to get her to sleep. I'm hoping it's just another phase.

I feel so bad for her. She'll tell me "I'm so tired but I can't fall asleep!" It's like baby insomnia.

***************

If you visit my house...

A few things to keep in mind should you ever choose to visit my house:

There's a good chance my house will not be neat & tidy.
If you choose to come over unannounced, there's a really good chance it won't be neat & tidy.

There will probably be dirty dishes in the sink.
If you choose to come over unannounced, there will probably be dirty dishes on the counter next to the sink.

We don't have curtains on our windows. Any of them. Or blinds. So walk around naked at your own risk.
Wait, if you're there, you're probably there to visit us. So, maybe don't walk around naked at all, 'kay?

We maintain an open-door policy at our house. So if you don't want a preschooler walking in on you while you pee, you should probably lock the bathroom door.

We have three outdoor dogs. They will greet you as you pull up. If you don't want this to happen, you should let us know ahead of time so we can tie them up temporarily make arrangements.

Oh, and Tootsie is losing her vision. And her hearing. So... just watch what you're doing and don't hit our dog, 'kay?

We have one indoor cat. He has long hair. If you're allergic, take your meds before you come. His hair is everywhere.

If a door is closed, don't open it. Since we do maintain an open-door policy, if a door is closed, there's a huge mess in that room reason.

We don't have cable, and only get spotty reception on the 3 local channels we get. Also known as, don't expect to watch the big game at our house.

As a rule, we don't keep pop (ie. soda) in the house. You are however welcome to whatever fruit juice, milk, or in rare occasions sweet tea, we do have. And also, unlimited water. You're welcome.

We don't keep much snack food around either. But we can usually offer you some baby carrots, whatever fruit selection we have that week, and if you're lucky, a granola bar. And ice cream. We do like ice cream, so we should be well stocked in that.

Although if I'm expecting you, I have been known to stock up on snacks & drinks. Because I do try to be a good hostess like that. Emphasize the word "try".

Oh, and going back to the drinks thing, we usually have water for dinner, and it doesn't always occur to us that someone might want something other than water, so if you're coming over for dinner, and you want something other than water, you should probably just bring it, or let us know ahead of time. Otherwise you will be disappointed. (this one from experience)

The chances of Jena being there are about 99.9%. So if you're expecting to drop by for some adult time, it's not gonna happen. And if you want my undivided attention for any reason, that's probably not gonna happen either. Not until she gets a lot older anyway.

We live in the country. If you need to drive thru our yard to get out of the driveway, go for it. You won't upset us. Go for it.

We live in the country. It will feel like an eternity on your way out here, but it's really not that far. We're four miles from the nearest town, about 10 from several major highways, and about seven from a major shopping area. It's really not that far. I promise.

All of that being said, you should also know that you will be welcomed. We may even greet you with open arms. We will be glad you are there, and you will be loved.

Jena may even put on a performance for you, and Tucker might get brave enough to purr in your ear.

********************
this post inspired by this post

A Boy & His Dog

We Have CHICKENS !!!

Fifteen to be exact. All hens. Plymouth Barred Rock.

We got them when they were approximately 28 hours old.

We've been talking about getting chickens since we moved onto this property a year ago. The house sat empty for so long, plus the previous owners didn't take care of it, plus it is in a wooded area, so... we had a major bug problem. Primarily wood roaches and wolf spiders, which were probably feeding off of the wood roaches. Plus when Spring rolled around we had a major mosquito issue because of our neighbors' (non) maintenance of their (stagnant) pond.

So we had several people suggest to us that chickens are an effective, non-toxic, and green way to control bug populations.

But neither of us have experience with chickens, and I actually had a fear of chickens (little known fact), plus we had plenty of renovations to work on in the house, and some marital issues to focus on, so... chickens weren't exactly a priority.

Just doing the renovations & cleaning up the property greatly helped control the roach & spider problem. And we purchased some Mosquito Control Rings which Jason secretly threw into the neighbor's pond, all but eliminating the mosquito problem within a few days.

But we do live in a wooded area, so... there will always be bugs. Always. As the colder weather has been setting in this year, the little critters have already been making their way indoors.

And so... chickens. All natural, non-toxic, environmentally friendly bug control, plus excellent producers of organic, sort-of free range eggs.

Technically I think they qualify as "free range", but once they reach adulthood and are outside, we will be confining (ie protecting) them by housing them in a rather large chicken tractor, the square footage of which is nearly double the recommended size per bird. Yay.

But with Tootsie's history of, ahem, not being nice to animals, and even Buddy, when introduced to the baby chicks we hoped he'd protect... yeah... ends up he thinks baby chicks look yummy. So a very secure chicken tractor. Very secure chicken tractor is in the works.

They are currently in their brooder, locked in the laundry room (away from Tucker), but will be moved to their chicken tractor in the garage within a few weeks, as they outgrow the brooder. This Winter they will be too young to be outside at the outset of Winter (we intentionally chose a cold hardy breed, so future Winters they should be fine outdoors, but this year they will be too young).

So far having chickens is fun. But they poop a lot. Surprisingly a lot. But they're still fun. Thanks for checking in!

Friday Fragments

Well, my abdominal ultrasound came back normal. But I'm still having digestive problems. In fact, I think they're getting worse. So today my doctor referred me to a gastrointerologist. Joy.
*********************************

I know. Like I'm upset that my ultrasound was good? How ungrateful is that, right? It's just that if it were my gallbladder like my family doctor thought, then we'd have the surgery and be done with it.
********************************

Not that I want surgery or anything. I just don't want any more doctor visits or test either. And I'm tired of being "sick". Imagine having a stomach virus for... going on four weeks now? Yeah. Four weeks straight. That is tamed, but not controlled, only with prescription medication. But that you still don't know when it's going to strike. So at least once, usually two or three times a day, you make a run for the bathroom. I'm just over it, you know? Was hoping the ultrasound would show the problem.
*******************************

The writing bug has struck again, and I need to find time to sit down and pound out the 10 or so blog posts I have in my head before I forget them.
********************************

I have an entire weekend ahead (tonight thru Sunday night) of just me and Jena. And I have nothing planned. Which sounds kinda nice, but I always feel like I'm letting her down if I don't have something planned on the weekends.
*******************************

Maybe we'll go to the library again. I took her last week, and we checked out her first library book. I think she's in love! Yay!
*******************************

I think Jason's mad at me. We had a sorta-argument last night. It's a repeat: you know, one we have over & over, because we both think we're right.
*****************************

I had some quiet time yesterday morning. I went out on the deck to feed & water the dogs, and just decided to sit. So I sat on the steps to the deck. And in a miraculous event, the dogs did not respond with the normal jealous push-each-other-out-of-the-way-nearly-knocking-me-over-to-get-my-attention reaction. Buddy came and sat in front of me, so I started petting his head. Tootsie alternately took bites of food and came up calmly behind me to lick my ear / neck / back of head. Flopsy went exploring. It was early morning, the sun was beginning to shine thru the trees, and it was peaceful. I sat for maybe 10 minutes. And was still. It was good.
*****************************

Yo Gabba Gabba is growing on me. And their songs are stuck in my head all. day. long.
***************************
Have a great weekend!

Friday Fragments

**********************************

Work has been... interesting. I love my new boss. So far, things are great. But he's been out sick, so it's been a mix of him trying to learn the position, implement a few new things, and then just not being here.
*********************************
Need. To do. Chores.
With Jena being sick a couple of weeks ago, then me getting sick, and then my back going out last week... let's just say our house is badly in need of me getting things in order.

********************************

I don't think I ever told you that my friend did come over a couple of Saturdays ago, and I did indeed learn to use a drill. Ends up it really is pretty easy. In fact, we're both convinced that it was more me not understand how all the settings work, than me not understanding what to do.

*******************************

So now I have a to-do list for myself of things I've wanted done around the house, but have been waiting for Jason to do, because I didn't know how to use a drill. The only problem is that I don't want to do it with Jena there, because she will want to help, and that's not safe, but I can't wait until after she's asleep because it's too loud. Hmph.

********************************

And... learning that skill has given me a little boost of confidence. I think once I get a few of these drill-necessary projects done, I might just try to learn how to do something else & get at it.
*******************************

After typing that, I do seem to remember reading / hearing that once upon a time: to boost your confidence, learn a new skill. Yep, it works!

*******************************

I want to get another dog. Another protector dog, like Buddy. Or a gun. But with Jena... I figure a dog is a better bet.

*****************************

I swear I've been hearing coyotes the past few nights, and it scares the beejusus out of me. And Buddy is a great protector, and he's big, but he's only one dog, and if they're in a pack...

*****************************

Yes, we have three dogs. But little dog (Flopsy) and old & blind (Tootsie) aren't exactly helpful in actual defense situations.

*****************************

and Buddy is getting older. Something I try to ignore, but is true.

*****************************

Jena has been talking about Tess a lot lately. She misses her. She wants her. She was her friend. It makes me sad.

***************************

And now she suddenly has a huge attachment to Flopsy. "Mommy, that's my dog" she'll say. Over, and over. Dear Lord, please don't let anything happen to that dog.

***************************

As I typed this, I realized I have some new-ish readers, who don't know who Tess is, or what happened. If you're interested, here's the story. I also realized that new-ish readers won't realize why we don't just bring the dogs inside. The story pretty much answers that as well. At least, I think it does. It also helps to answer why the #1 priority on my drilling-project list is adding an additional dead-bolt to our front door. Again, to me it answers those questions anyway.

**************************

Yes, I said "additional" dead-bolt. Yes, I still have issues from this. And probably will for a long time. Maybe I should write a separate post about it. I could probably fill up an entire post with the issues I have now, because of that night.

**************************

I'm back on my vaccine soapbox, following a new policy at Jena's pediatrician's office. Of course, them implying that I'm uneducated didn't help either. Either way, I'm on fire about it, so expect a post or two on the topic. If I had time, I could churn them out right now. But alas, time is one thing I do not have right now.

***************************

Oh, and I've decided June is Jodi-uses-her-new-benefits month. I'll be getting my first bonus, my first pay increase, starting on the 1st I now get vacation days, and Jena's new school is the workplace daycare / preschool.

*****************************

And with that, this very long Friday "Fragments", I bid you adieu. Have a great weekend!

Weirdest Night Ever

I swear last night was the weirdest night ever. Things kept happening, one after the other, and I ended up getting all of three hours of sleep.

Oh, nothing hugely major, just a series of oddities.

It all started around 10pm.

First, Tootsie wouldn't finish her canned dog food. Our totally food-motivated, piggy of a dog, who has never turned down any sort of food, wouldn't finish the yummy canned food. You know, the stuff we use to give her the heartworm treatment. Great. I have to use my puppy persuasion powers to convince her to finish it. That really should have been my first sign.

Next, we had bad storms, and about as soon as the rain starts I see a loud flash at the same time I hear a boom and am pretty sure one of our trees got hit by lightening. But it's really dark out. I don't see any fire, so... guess we'll wait till morning to see.

Then, Tucker comes running in from the laundry room with a mouse (he's become quite the good mouser). It's still alive. I tell him to go to his room, because I don't want him letting a live mouse out on the floor of the house. He doesn't (I guess I should explain that normally he will go in "his" room [the spare room - where he's fed & the litter box is] if he's told). I proceed to chase him around the house for 5 - 10 minutes, with a mouse in his mouth, until I finally get him in his room.

The noises that proceeded out of that room were... interesting. The sound of my cat howling, screeching, as things are being knocked over. It seems the mouse might be fighting back.
I couldn't help but laugh at the thought of that little mouse getting in a good bite or two. And in case you haven't had the pleasure... a mouse bite hurts. Like the dickens. Don't let their size fool ya.

But I figured Tucker could handle himself with a little mouse, so left them alone, and the noises quieted down, and in no time he was crying to be let out of the room.

After he comes out, I go in to survey the damage, and there's the little mousie. Poor thing. I use a sock to pick it up by it's tail and put it in a cardboard box before throwing it outside. As I'm carrying it out, it strikes me that it's a female. And seems to be more the type of mouse that you buy as a pet than you find in the wild. Which I find interesting.

And right now I'm chuckling a little on the inside because some of you are probably wondering how in the world I can tell it's a female, or how I must be crazy because all mice are the same, right? ha! Little known facts about Jodi... perhaps I shall write a follow-up post.

Anywho... in the course of the night I also killed three wolf spiders. Which is less weird than it used to be, but I still don't like and the sight of them still makes my heart jump. Mostly because they have this freaky habit of showing up out of nowhere.

So... in the midst of all this I'm doing chores: laundry, dishes, etc.

A little bit later I finish folding a basket of clothes, which I do on the living room floor, and pull myself up on the couch. And then I feel something crawling on me. I look down to see... a TICK! An actual tick!
Of course, my initial reaction is to flick it off, which I do. So then I have to search the couch to find it. Which I did (thank God!). I picked it up with tweezers and put it in the sink, unsure of what to do next. I couldn't find the bug spray, and I just remembered being told they were really hard to kill. So I took a knife & cut it in half. Because you needed that visual, didn't you?

By this time it's nearly 1am, so I put in one final load of laundry and go to check on Jena.

She's fallen out of her bed.

That child has never fallen out  / off of any sleeping surface. She has slept in our bed, on various couches, etc. Last night? I found her on the floor. I go to pick her up, and she is soaked. And I mean, soaked.

The kid who for a couple months has been waking up with dry diapers, and whose diaper I changed in her bed before tucking her in last night, has peed thru her diaper, soaked her pajama pants & top (don't ask me how), and the comforter. I'm guessing the comforter must've somehow gotten underneath her, because her sheets where actually dry.

So I pick her up & put her back in bed, go get a new diaper, and some clean pj's, and come back in to completely change her. She sleeps thru the diaper change, but half-wakes up during the pj change and is not happy about it. But we manage. I fold her comforter so the dry side is up, and place it on the floor next to her bed, just in case, and go get a throw from the hall closet. She falls back to sleep almost instantly.

I finally get ready for bed, and crawl into bed around 1:45pm.

But... around 2:30am I'm awakened by the sound of all three dogs barking madly. And Buddy's bark is not friendly. I sit and listen. Usually this means a strange dog, or a deer, or whatever. Although it is a bit odd that they're all barking. And moving. Thru the yard. And not stopping.

I finally get up and look out our bedroom window.

There's a pickup truck in our yard!

Somebody has just driven right past mine (and Jena's) bedroom windows and is now driving thru our backyard!

What do I do? Jason is working, I'm home alone with a toddler, and someone is blatantly driving onto our property! Do I confront them? Call the cops? Call Jason?

I should have called the police. That would have been the smart thing. I have the direct line to dispatch saved in my cell phone, so I wouldn't even have to call 9-1-1. So that really would have been the smart thing.

But it's 2:30 in the morning, and I'm half asleep. So I'm brilliant enough to put on my shoes, put my cell phone in my pocket, and head out to confront whomever it is, who has now stopped, about an acre back, gotten out of their truck and is shining a flashlight deep into our acreage.

I "call" the dogs as soon as I get outside. I make a quiet clucking sound and they come running. Good dogs.

And then... the guy decides to turn on the flashing yellow lights and LED tail lights installed on his truck.

It's the freakin' electric company.

In the darkness I couldn't see the lights mounted on top, or the signage all over the truck. All I could see was a pickup truck driving thru our property.

Buddy still isn't happy, but now he's probably feeding some off of my tension / anxiety. He growls at the worker, and jumps on him as he approaches me, knocking the flashlight from his hand. I call Buddy back to me and hold him by his collar.

The worker explains that we have a transformer in the middle of our property that got struck by lightening (remember from earlier... aha!). He said "maybe" he should have called or knocked on the front door, but he was hoping to fix it and be gone before anyone knew he was there.

I muttered something about leaving him to do his job, and walked back to the house, with all three dogs in tow. I told them to "stay" on the back porch before going inside. I don't know if they did or not, but I never heard them bark again, until he left, about 45 minutes later. His truck drove by my bedroom window, followed by a chorus of barking dogs.

Now, I'm no expert by any means, and I do understand his good intentions, but personally, I would prefer being awakened by a phone call, or even a knock on the door, in the middle of the night, than to wake up to find someone "trespassing" on my property.
Not to mention the safety issues for himself. Three dogs chase his truck barking, two of those dogs are pretty big, and he gets out without attempting to notify the homeowners? Honestly, he was lucky. Buddy was in defense mode when I got there. And Buddy is not small.
And let's face it, we live out in the country. A lot of people have guns. Showing up on someone's property unannounced, when it's too dark for them to see your identification, and without your flashing lights running, well... it's just not the smartest decision. For your customer or for yourself.

So... off of my soapbox about customer service, and back to the conclusion of my weird night... I walk in the house, take my shoes off at the door, and proceed to walk thru the house barefoot, as I often do.

And somehow get a splinter in the bottom of my foot.

Seriously.

We have all tile or laminate flooring, all of which has been installed for months. Winter is over, so there's no longer any firewood inside.

How the heck do I get a splinter?!?

So I hobble into the bathroom, grab some tweezers (different ones than I used on the tick, thank goodness I have multiple pairs!), and spend the next five minutes or so digging a splinter out of the bottom of my foot.

Good times.

I crawl back into bed around 3am, and hear the electric company truck roll by around 3:15am.

My alarm goes off at 6am. But I somewhat successfully ignore it until 6:45am.

I wake up. I peek in on Jena as I walk out of our bedroom.... and find her on the floor. Again.

****

See. Nothing huge. Nothing major. Just a series of anomalies that added up to the weirdest night ever.

And a very sleepy Jodi.

Tootsie has Heartworms

We took Tootsie for her yearly vet visit a couple of weeks ago.

Despite being 10 years old, she got a clean bill of health. The vet said she would have never guessed her as being as old as she was if she didn't have the vet record to prove it.

Except for one thing: Tootsie's eyes. She has a cataract in her left eye, and "significant signs of aging" in her right eye.

Her appointment was on a Saturday, and we left feeling pretty good. Until 8:15am Monday morning, when my cell phone rang. Her bloodwork came back positive for heartworms.

See, we've never had any of the dogs on heartworm preventative.

I knew it was fatal, but we also knew it was treatable.

So, when Jason told me that he never put them on preventatives (remember, they were all his dogs to begin with), but just planned to treat them if they ever tested as positive, it seemed logical.

And... now I feel like an idiot.

Neither of us realized how extensive the traditional treatment is. It's extremely hard on the animal, the treatment itself can actually kill the dog, and it's very expensive. Tootsie's cost is a bit higher than most because of her size (95 lbs), so rang in at right about $1,000.

We discussed it. At length. I had the doctor explain the treatment, and its effects on Tootsie, in detail. Then I got on the internet & looked up what I could find for myself. Then I called back and had them go over it again. All the while discussing it with Jason.

In the end, we decided to forego the traditional treatment.

Considering how invasive it is, how extreme, and how hard it is on the dog herself, we can't imagine putting her thru that for maybe two more years of life, probably three tops.

I liken it to the 85-year-old in otherwise good health who was just diagnosed with mid-stage cancer, who's deciding whether or not to go thru chemo. Sure, you get more life, but what is your quality of life? It's a tough decision, and a personal one.

Instead of the traditional treatment, we are opting for an aggressive drug therapy that can be done at home. It won't cure her like the traditional treatment, but it should greatly limit the damage the worms can do to her heart & lungs, and give her a longer lifespan than  no treatment at all, with little to no risk or side effects to her.

The vet explained that she was likely infected within the past six months, as she is not currently showing any outward symptoms. So we've studied up on the typical symptoms, what they look like at onset, how they progress, etc. Still need to learn more, but we're in the process of educating ourselves. In the event that her outward symptoms appear, and develop to where she is suffering, we will have her euthanized.

Buddy and Fopsy have since tested negative.

**************************

Since finding out her diagnosis, I have talked to just about every dog owner I know of in real life, asking them to please make sure their dogs are on heartworm preventative.

Initially, I was prepared to be flamed for not putting our dogs on it, and in some cases got the side eye.

But, in talking with other dog owners, I've found the story to be the same.

They begin by saying something like "Of course I have my dog on (insert brand name of preventative here)! I have since we got him/her!"

But the more you talk to them, almost every one ends up saying at some point, something like "but I'm not that good at remembering to give it to him/her. Geez, I don't remember the last time they got their pill"
Really? Well, not to be calloused, but that's just throwing money down the drain at that point. I'd rather do what we did and save money, than pay for the pills then not give them to the dog.
Anyway, my main point in posting all of this, and risking being flamed for our previous choice (a mistake we won't make again, by the way), is to hopefully be a lesson to my readers.

If your dog is not currently on a heartworm preventative, please get them on one NOW.  And give it to them regularly, as prescribed.

As for us? Once Tootsie finishes her drug therapy, she will be on heartworm preventative from here on out.

If me posting this saves just one pet & owner from going thru this heartwrenching decision, then it was well worth it.

Thanks for checking in.

Update on Tootsie

Well, she's still here.

Jason completed adding the additional underground fencing along the house so the only door they can now get to is the laundry room.

But... she's currently not wearing the collar for the fence system.

Why?

Well, the other morning Jason asks me to take a look at her. Says she's been acting weird since the night before - is shaking uncontrollably, hasn't eaten (and she's our little piggy!), and won't come out of the doghouse.

Ugh. Fine. I'll check out the dog.

Yes, I still hold a grudge against the dog.

The minute I see her my mommy-gene kicks in. Poor Tootsie. Something is definitely wrong. She is indeed shaking uncontrollably, and refuses to exit the doghouse, even when I or Jason call her. Very unlike her. He drags her out of the doghouse, and she wants to go right back in.

Long story short (really, I had typed the whole thing out but it ended up being really long), we think her underground fence collar had been malfunctioning for 1 - 2 days, basically shocking her randomly (but thank goodness not constantly) for noapparent reason.

We figured this out because we took her collar off of her (it needed new batteries anyway), and I was carrying it thru the house when it went off. For no reason.

And now she's traumatized. Seriously traumatized.

We've been working with her several times each day to try to get her to come out of the doghouse. She'll come out while we're outside, but within a few minutes of us going inside, she's back in the doghouse.

She also hadn't eaten two days, and still won't make the 15 foot walk to their food dish, so I've been taking small amounts of food to her several times a day. Don't want her to starve, but also don't want to take away a motivation for coming out of the house.
Also took the water bucket to her the other day, and as much as she drank in one sitting, I'm gonna guess she wasn't coming outside for water either.

We took her collar off of her, until we can figure out why it's going off randomly. If we can't figure it out, we'll have to buy her a new one.

I'm a little nervous about her not having it on, not only because of my anxiety over keeping her out of the house, but also because she's our wanderer. I don't think she means to, but the few times she's gotten loose (once at this house, a few times at the old house), she just... goes. She doesn't move very fast, but she doesn't stop either. And unlike Buddy, who bolts, but always comes back, she just keeps going.

But there's also not a chance in the world that I'm letting her stay in the house unsupervised while we're gone. Not even locked in a separate room. Not happening. Not after before.

And as much as I'd like to think there's some sort of doggie karma going on here, the mommy in me has been sitting with Tootsie, petting her, reassuring her, drawing her out of her doghouse, getting her to follow me around the yard, trying to convince her it's okay, bringing her food & water (and even treats), and just checking on her numerous times throughout the day. I'm a little resentful that she's making me like her again. Stupid dog.

So What About the Dog ??

Well, right now it looks like we are keeping Tootsie.

Against my wishes.

My feeling is that having her in our household, on our property, is now a known threat to Tucker's safety.

We took steps to keep her separate from the cats, but something happened (we still don't know what), and the first chance she got she killed Tess, and went after Tucker.

To me, the best decision is to:
    - fulfill my responsibility to Tucker to take every step possible to keep him safe, by finding Hydrant a new home
    - fulfill my responsibility to Tootsie to take every step possible to make sure her new home is a good, loving, responsible one. With no cats. Ever.
    - for several reasons, acclimate Buddy & Flopsy to living primarily inside the home, but crated when we are not home

Jason disagrees. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. You see, Tootsie is his dog. He's had her the longest, for eight years.
So I don't know that it's so much that he disagrees with my reasoning, as much as he can't bring himself to get rid of her.

I understand. I disagree, but I understand.

We talked argued about it last night. In short order our mature, reasonable discussion of possible solutions degraded into a childish exchange, just using big words to mask the immaturity. And just to be clear, we both fell into that.

His idea is to use our underground fence system to fence off all openings to the house, except one: the laundry room, which is where the dogs currently used to stay on nights it's too cold for them to be outside.
It's actually been cold enough (single digits) for me to bring them in the past two nights, but I can't bring myself to do it. The "what-ifs" won't stop running thru my mind.

He feels this will not only prevent Tootsie from getting into the house unexpectedly, but also keep gun-shy Buddy from damaging the doors trying to get in, come hunting season.

I agree that it is a good idea, and possibly still worth doing, even if we get rid of Tootsie, but the biggest problem is that we already had taken steps to separate the dogs from the cats, and while we were out, something had happened, and they got together. Something beyond our control. So what happens if the fence shorts out? Or we miss the battery on her collar running low? or there's some other malfunction?

I don't feel that it's worth the risk.

The risk of reliving that scene again. Or of that scene happening at a time when Jena comes home with us. Or that scene repeating itself (God forbid) in a time & place where we see it unfold, and maybe Jena sees something so... awful.

Or Jena gets a little older and decides that Tootsie wants to play with Tucker so brings Tootsie in the house, thru the laundry room. Or takes Tucker out into the yard so they can play. And then not only witnesses what happens, but lives with knowing that she did it.

Yeah. To me, that's not worth the risk.

To him, it is.

To him, those are all random "what ifs" that are very unlikely to happen. But after what Tootsie did to Tess the first time she had the opportunity, I see it more as a matter of time before the opportunity presents itself again. We can't be there all the time, we can't be everywhere, see everything.

He also thinks getting rid of another pet so soon after losing Tess would be too traumatic for Jena.

I think we need to remove the known risk from the household, to prevent the likelihood of an even greater trauma in the future.

But not only is it his dog, he is also the head of the household, so he will most likely "win". Although I decided from the beginning this is one of those things that no one "wins". It definitely feels like one of those situations where there is no "right" decision, where every possible solution, is a bad one.

As we went to bed, I asked him if he'd made a decision. He said he had not. I told him if he planned on keeping Tootsie, then I expected to see additional locks installed on the French doors, and the additional fencing installed around the house, like yesterday.
My husband & I are both world-class procrastinators, but I told him there would be no "next time I'm off, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year". Not with this. That if he decided to keep her, then his next day off I expect to come home from work to see the new locks in place and the supplies for the fencing purchased and the installation at least under very good progress, if not completed. And that if it couldn't all be completed in one day, it would be completed his very next day off.

Period.

I guess we'll see what his final decision is. But I think I already know. {{ sigh }}

How is Jena Handling the Loss?

Thankfully, Jena was not with us when we discovered that Tootsie had killed Tess. Jason & I had a late appointment with our physical trainer, and his mom had offered to keep Jena overnight. I really didn't want her to, but reluctantly agreed around 5pm that night. So glad I did.

I picked her up from the in-laws' house after work the next day. As soon as we left their driveway, I turned off her CD of children's worship songs and told her I needed to talk to her about something important, as I adjusted the rearview mirror so I could see her face.

I told her that the night before, while she was spending the night with Mamaw & Papaw, when Mommy & Daddy got home, we found out that while we were gone, something had happened and Tess had died. Tess was dead.

I asked her if she knew what "dead" meant, and she just stared at me. I told her that when someone dies, it means they are gone. Forever.

She paused.

Then began repeating:

"I spend night at Papaw's. Mom & Dad come home. Sumfing happen. Tess diiiieeeeeevvvvvvv"Over, and over, and over again. All the way to McDonald's (because Lord knows the child was getting whatever she wanted that night). I suppose repeating it was her way of processing the information.

At McDonald's, when I saw that our food was dwindling and we would be leaving shortly, I told her I just wanted to make sure she understood that Tess had died, and was gone. That when we got home, Tess would not be there.

She repeated the phrase again.

"I spend night at Papaw's. Mom & Dad come home. Sumfing happen. Tess diiiieeeeeevvvvvvv"

Then she looked up at me, with a twinkle in her eye.

"Mommy! Ask Tess what happen!"
{{ insert heartbreak here }}

Just the way she said it. Like she had just thought of the most brilliant idea. We'll just ask Tess  what happened.
So I explained that we can't ask Tess, because, remember, she's gone. She's not going to be at the house. Ever again.

Jena seemed to ignore me, and went on playing with her toy that she had gotten with her Happy Meal. And then it was time to leave. And she threw a world class tantrum. Throwing things, lying on the floor, the whole bit. And I was by myself. So gathering food, throwing away a tray, collecting things that had been thrown, getting a coat on a flailing toddler... well, these things take time.
So I really didn't appreciate the glares I started getting from other customers. And then from the manager. I mean really?!? Can't you see I'm by myself here, trying to get her out of the restaurant. I suppose I could have left our food on the table, but I'm sure that would have drawn a glare or nasty comment as well. Or left the things she'd thrown on the floor, but again, another glare or comment. Or not taken the time to try to get her coat on. But it was 18 degrees out, and she's two, so... yeah, I'm gonna take the time. Geez! Cut a mother a break.

Anywhoo, I digress. I told her again a few minutes into the drive home. I just really wanted her to understand that Tess was not going to be at the house. As much as she could understand.

And so, we pulled into the driveway and I turned off the engine and turned to look at her.

"I just want to make sure you understand that Tess died. She's not here anymore. She's gone. We only have one cat now. Just Tucker. Okay?"

"Mommy, Tess hidin'"

"No, Jena, Tess isn't hiding. She's gone. She's just not here anymore, not here anywhere, okay? Just Tucker now. No more Tess."

"Tess sum-wer (somewhere)"

I paused. There was one way to handle pet death that I hadn't wanted to go, but Jason had (he was working, so I won by virtue of being the one who had to do it). But maybe I should say it now. Now that she had said "somewhere".

"Jena, Tess is in Heaven. When pets die, that's where they go, they go to Heaven. Do you know where Heaven is? Heaven is where God lives. So since Tess died, she's living with God now. And He's gonna keep her, okay? She's gonna live with Him, and He's not bringing her back. She lives with God now."

 No response.
We got out of the car, and went into the house. She started walking around, mumbling something. I couldn't really make it out, although I did hear "God" repeatedly.

And then... she became obsessed with Tucker. She wanted him to play kitchen with her. She tried to read books to him. She wanted him to sleep in her bed. And she talked about taking him to the sitter's house the next day.

Sweet girl.

A couple of hours later, while eating her snack, she looked at me and very matter-of-factly said:

"Mommy! Go pick Tess up now! She hidin'."
"Hunny, she's not hiding. I can't pick her up, because she's gone, remember? She's not here anymore. Ever."
 
And that was it for that night. When I tucked her in, and we were saying our prayers, I said a special prayer thanking God for the time we had with Tess, and for what a blessing she had been in our lives the short time she was with us.

The next morning, no mention of Tess at all. Until we were leaving. We have a habit of saying goodbye to the cats when walking out the door.

"Goodbye Tucker! Have a nice day! We'll see ya later!"
"Bye-bye Tucker! Bye-bye Tess!" {pause} "Nope. No Tess."
 
She continued walking out the door. I, however, started bawling. I have taken very strong efforts to not cry about this in front of Jena. I don't want her to feed off of my emotion, I want her to have her own reactions to this event in her life. But this time, I lost it. We got in the car, and drove to the sitter's.

And that was that. That evening, we cut our nails before bathtime. First Jena, then mommy, then Tucker's claws.

"Do Tess nails!" she exlaimed excitedly.

"I can't, hunny, remember? Tess's gone."

She mentioned her again this morning. She was singing, and kept saying Tess's name over and over. I couldn't really make out the rest of the words.

And that's the last time she's mentioned her. I keep waiting for her to start looking for Tess. Or to call for her. Or to ask me questions. I keep waiting for it, but so far it hasn't happened.

She seems to be handling it very well. Much better than I am, anyway. I'm still a mess.

Scenes from a Horror Film

**WARNING** this post contains content that some readers may find disturbing. Read at your own risk.

Do you ever feel like you're living a scene from a movie? And even after it's over, it seems like it couldn't have really happened? Like it must have been a movie? And you can actually almost see yourself from the outside, like you're watching the movie?

*********************************

Like when you come home at night, and you're gathering some items from the car to bring in while your husband goes inside, and then he comes back out and yells to you that the dogs were in the house?

And you're confused, and you're like "What do you mean the dogs were in the house? How'd they get in?", and you actually chuckle, because it's not like your dogs grew opposable thumbs the two hours you were gone.

But he yells back "I don't know, but all three dogs were in the house".

And you shake your head and walk toward the house, confused, puzzled at how this could have happened, when all at once that confusion just doesn't matter any more and the how doesn't matter any more as the realization of what this really means sinks in.

It means that your cat-agressive dog has been loose in the house, unsupervised. With the cats.

 You push thru the front door and drop the items you'd gathered from the car on the floor and scream to your husband "Where are my cats?!?"And he looks at you and says plainly "I don't know"

And then you begin hyper-ventilating, and repeating over and over again "where are my cats? where are my cats? where are my cats?" and you nearly collapse on the floor, but do manage to get your feet under you in time to stumble to the garbage can to vomit.

And by this time your husband has locked the dogs in the laundry room, and informed you that the back door was wide open when he came in, and that you need to get it together to find the cats, because you're the only one they'll come to, and they could be fine, they could be hiding in the house, or could be outside somewhere, but you have to find them, because you are the one they trust.

And you remember that your male cat, when he got out at your old house, would hide under your deck, so you go out the back door, and look around, and down the steps, and around to the front of the deck so you can bend down to look under it.

And then you see an unusual... shape... a few feet away.

And you don't want to look, but it could be anything, and you have to get it together because you have a responsibility to these cats to find them. They could be fine. Or they could be injured, and need help. So you cannot not look.

But it's really dark out, living out in the country like you do, and so you have to take a few steps closer, and still your eyes are struggling to adjust, and then you see...

And you hear yourself let out a wail as you stumble a few feet away, and then you sink onto the snowy ground and you know you are yelling something, but you don't know what.

But your husband does hear you and comes running out the back door and yells "What?!?" and you look up at him, and point to the lifeless body of your female cat, your daughter's kitten, as you cry out "They killed her!"

And he says "You have to get up. You have to find the other cat". And you know he's right, so that's it, you're composed, you're on a mission.

You meet your husband on the deck. He hugs you. He asks if you want him to bury her. You tell him yes, but make sure it's somewhere the dogs can't dig her up. He tells you to check the spare room for the male cat, because that's the room the cat-aggressive dog walked out of when he came in.

Then you walk past him to go inside, and you see it for the first time. How you didn't see it before, you don't know, but there it is.

Blood.

On the floor of your fireplace room, just a few feet from the back door.

It happened in the house.

You pause for only a second before moving thru the house, calling out to your male cat.

You push open the door to the spare room, and there he is, sitting, frozen, staring at you wide-eyed, filthy, having just crawled out of a vent in the floor.

As you go to move toward him, he moves toward the vent. He's still scared terrified.

You leave him alone, shutting the door so you'll know where he is and he can feel some security.

You go back to the deck to find your husband, walking past the blood once again.

You can barely see him, he's so far away, almost in the woods. With a shovel in his hand.

You stare at him, frozen at the scene. He yells to you "Did you find him?!?"

At first it's all you can do is to nod, then you yell back "He's okay, I think he's okay"

And then, now that your mission is complete, and your adrenalin is beginning to subside, the emotions come flooding back, and you collapse in the snow on the back deck, sobbing so hard you can't breathe, your chest hurts.

You're not there long, as your  husband comes as soon as he finishes his task, and pulls you up from the snow, he gives you a light hug, then turns to direct you in the house, telling you to find your cat, go hold your cat.

You go, pointing to the blood as you walk past it once again and mumble something about how you really need him to take care of that please.

And the rest of the night is spent in shock and mourning, over-reaching grief, confusion, disgust, sadness, and... heartache.

The kind of heartache where your chest actually hurts.

Not only because your beloved pet has died...

    ... but also because you now have to explain to your two-year-old that her cat is gone, forever.
    ... and because you know that this night sealed the fate on at least one of your dogs


*********************************

My God, I wish I didn't know that scene either. Lord, do I wish that.

Cute Kid Pics (just because)

A total mess, after having veggie soup at Big Boy

playing at the local mall's indoor play area

building a snowman with daddy (they didn't get much farther than this). Flopsy & Tootsie in the background.



"helping" daddy shovel snow (ie insisting that Jason put the shovel on the ground so she can fill it by hand). Tootsie next to her.

chasing geese at a frozen pond

trying on sunglasses while mommy shops

the ABCs of me

inspired by JenM

Guess it's about time I told ya'll a little bit about me, huh?

A - Age: 33

B – Bed size: Queen

C – Chore you hate: floors (vacuuming and mopping)

D – Dog's name: Buddy (male Anatolian Shepherd, approx. 9 years old), Tootsie (female chocolate Lab, 10 years old, and Flopsy (male Chihuahua / Rat Terrier mix, approx. 5 years old
E – Essential start to your day item: toilet (LOL!)

F – Favorite color: I always say blue, but lately I've noticed myself favoring purple

G – Gold or Silver: Silver

H – Height: 5'6" (I've shrunk over an inch, ask me how!)

I – Instruments you play: trumpet

J – Job title: Professional Staff. Also known as Contracted Administrative Specialist.

K – Kid(s): Jena, who turned two this month!

L – Living arrangements: Ugh. Tough right now. Jason stays at the new-under-renovation house when he's not at the firehouse. Most nights that he's there I try to stay there. Jena spends most nights at my parents' house, and when Jason is at the firehouse, I spend the night with Jena at my parents'. And it's getting old.

M – Milk: 2%
N – Nicknames: nothing interesting

O – Overnight hospital stay other than birth: back surgery in 2006

P – Pet Peeve: drivers who don't use their turn signals

Q – Quote from a movie: "In case I forget to tell you later, I had a really good time tonight" -- Vivian (played by Jula Roberts) in Pretty Woman

R – Right or left handed: Right

S – Siblings: one sister & one brother, both older

T – Time you wake up: too early, but apparently never early enough. Lately it's between 7am-7:30am

U- Underwear: yes

V – Vegetable you dislike: beans

W – Ways you run late: Jena! and I'm pretty easily distracted

X – X-rays: abdomen, back, head, full-body scan. Pretty much everything but my arms & legs

Y – Yummy food you make: marinated grilled chicken

Z – Zoo animals: the cat house! and the manatees!

Rough Night #2

It was another night of Jena screaming at bedtime. I'm not sure what's going on. This started happening out of the blue.

I'm starting to think maybe it's separation anxiety, because after our first try at bedtime last night, after I finally went in to get her up, she would not leave my side. Clung to me.
Second try I got her to fall asleep on my chest while sitting on the couch, was sure she was out, got up, laid her in the crib, and... let the screaming commence. Ugh.

I finally ended up taking her into our bed (we have never co-slept with her). She eventually fell asleep, calmly, gripping tightly to my shirt. I managed to pry her loose, then left her there, sleeping peacefully next to me, for about 30 min before I carefully moved her to her crib.

So on night two it took three tries, and three hours. She wasn't in her crib until nearly 1am.

After that I went downstairs to feed the dogs & lock them up for the night, since they had been barking intermittantly. So I finally got to bed around 2am.

Around 5am I am awakened by the sound of Tootsie barking. They managed to get out. Ugh. She barked for a good 30 min before I finally got up & yelled at her. I staggered back to bed & passed out. I wake up to the sound of her barking again at 6am. At 6:30am, I drag myself downstairs and give her a good talking to. She knew she was in trouble. Guess I should have done that in the first place, because there was no more barking.

Unfortunately, there wasn't much more time for sleep either. I crawled back into bed, only for my alarm to go off a couple of minutes later. I hit the snooze until 7:15am, then got up and began getting ready for the day.

Needless to say I am tired & grumpy today. Jodi needs a nap.