I have very few clothes that fit

I know my doctors say it's "normal" and if will probably go down on its own over the next few months.

I can't wait that long. I'm sick of it.

Also - I have very few clothes that fit.

So today I started Visalius Shakes. So, to be clear, I'm doing a modified verson. Basically I don't eat breakfast before I leave the house, then I take two shakes to work for breakfast & lunch during the work week.

I eat a normal dinner & eat normally on the weekends.

This is spurred mostly by my desire for my daughter to not see me drinking my meals. I just feel (and I have no scientific basis for this, this is just my momma gut) that at such a young age if she sees me on such a strict diet it will mess with her head & her body image. Does that make sense?

The truth is I really wanted to check out our local hospital's medically supervised weight loss program. The same hospital my endocrinologist works out of. The same hospital that has all of my medical records. But the first step is a mandatory informational session, and the next one I can attend isn't for six weeks. And I refuse to wait that long to do something. So I scheduled for the info session, and started this in the mean time.

I just had to do something. I've gained so much weight in such a short time. And I feel bloated all the time, and I'm miserable. I can't just wait for my body to normalize it's hormones. With my history, and not being able to take meds while I'm trying, that may never happen.

BTW - I did go ahead & take some "before" pics, but I'm not posting them unless this works, so... we'll see :)

Thanks for checking in!

My Fat Butt - activity

Well, here I am again. So for the past month I have reduced eating out back down to 35%, and kept soda consumption at around 22%. I made a point of eating more fruits & veggies, and was active for 5 days.

I know 5 days doesn't sound like a lot to many of you, but it's more activity than I'd gotten in the previous months, so it is an improvement, even if small.

And... I gained another 3 lbs. Officially back into my fat pants.

Disgusted with myself, and wondering if it's worth trying anymore. At least that's how I feel a lot of the time lately.

But other days I want to keep pushing forward. I'm making a point of packing my lunch every day at work. Selecting healthier options when we do eat out. Trying to think of new ideas to be active.

But I'm gonna be honest, mentally, emotionally, I'm struggling. Here I am again. I've done the work. I know I have. I've tracked it. I'm eating better, eating healthier. And gaining weight.

I've had to dig out my fat clothes (thankful now I didn't get rid of all of them), had to go shopping. The jeans I bought just a month ago I can't wear now. I desparately need nice-fitting work clothes, but we don't have the budget. So most days I'm wearing ill-fitting pants and one of a few polo shirts. And I do laundry like crazy just to keep up.

I find myself thankful that the weather is getting cooler. That I can hide my body under sweatshirts. Wondering how long I will be able to wear my sweatshirts, and how much longer until I'm wearing my husband's again, like I had to a couple of years ago.

I find myself playing a mental game. Hear my internal voice question myself. Maybe I am just a fat, lazy, slob. I could have tried harder. I could have worked harder, right? But then I argue back that if the work I have done resulted in a gain, then what would more work have done?

I find myself longing to be like some of my thin friends & family members. Who have never really struggled with their weight. Who lost all of their pregnancy weight via breastfeeding alone (plus an additional 5 lbs!), who notice their clothes getting snug, so diet for a week or so to get their weight back down, or stop working out, to have their only weight gain be to add back the curves they lost (ie. now they just look better).

I know, I know. They're not the majority either. But they're real too. Their stories are real too. I know them personally. And I find myself wondering what it must be like to be them. What's it like to not worry about what you eat? To be the person bringing your own tub of sour cream to the Mexican restaurant, not work out, and still be a size 2? What's that like? I find myself thinking about that a lot lately.

It's more than a month before my endocrine checkup. How much will I gain before then? What do I do till then? Do I keep up what seems like a futile struggle? Or stop stressing about and just try to enjoy life before I have to decide between fat or side effects?

My Fat Butt

Well, I quit Weight Watchers.

I'm pretty sure I mentioned that FireMan & I fell off the wagon when his dad passed away. And gained a significant amount of weight back in just a few short weeks.

We did manage to get back on track, but... somewhere along the way I realized that this isn't working for me. I don't want to do a program that the minute I stop I start gaining back what I lost. And I certainly don't want to spend the rest of my life counting points.

Or calories, or sugar, or fat, or carbs, or whatever.

Will that work? I'm sure of it.

I just don't want to live that way.

One of my friends has lost over 100 lbs doing Weight Watchers. I am very proud of her, incredibly proud of the work she's done. And she's kept it off for approximately 10 years.

She also still religiously counts her points. She will not accept a spontaneous lunch invitation, because she hasn't had time to plan what she would get. She requires about a week's notice if we want to eat out, so she can work it into her weekly meal plan. She cooks two meals each night: one for her husband & sons, a completely separate meal for herself. That she eats alone, after the boys are done, so she won't be tempted.

I know that's an extreme example of the type of dedication required to make any one of these programs work for life, but the point remains... I don't want to live like that.

Not long term. And the fact is that doing it short term just means that the pounds will creep back on.

Do I still want to lose weight? Yes. And I know that now that my endocrine levels are normal, I should be successful on any program.

But I've come to realize that I don't want a program. I want a lifestyle. Even if it means the weight loss is more gradual. Honestly, even if it means I don't lose any more weight. I want to train myself to change my life so that the changes I make become second nature.

So I've come up with some baby steps to gradual incorporate into my life. Baby steps because I think the more gradual it comes, the more likely it is to stay long-term.

Step #1 is to reduce the amount I eat out. Jason & I have known this was an issue since we were dating. We eat out way too often. It's not good for our waistlines or our wallets. So that's the first item I'm tackling.

I started about a week into June simply by tracking how much we eat in versus how much we eat out. I didn't try to eat out less, as I needed a baseline. I simply tracked.

Are you ready for this? The last 3 weeks of June, I ate out for nearly 60% of my meals. Sixty percent. It's one thing to know it's "too much". It's another thing to see the numbers.

So my initial goal is to reduce the number of meals we eat out by a minimum of 5% each month, until we reach 25% or less.

This may not seem like a big deal to ya'll, and I totally know it's doable. But... for this not-very-good cook, who has failed at meal planning repeatedly... it seems a bit daunting.

Anyone know any quick-n-EASY recipes they'd like to share? Or EASY crockpot recipes? I'm listening...

As always, thanks for checking in!

More Randoms

I've had a headache for 5 days now. It goes away for a few hours a day, but most of the time, I have a headache.

********

The other day I finally figured out that caffeine seems to help it feel better. So my Weight Watchers plan has been bust the past two days, as I've gone from 2-3 caffeinated drinks per week, to 3 Pepsi's per day.

********

Today is also Jena's school pictures. Her class is actually supposed to go on Friday, but she doesn't attend school on Friday. So she'll miss the class picture. We tried to arrange to bring her in just for the picture, but apparently the photographer doesn't have a schedule (??? - really?), so they can't even give me an estimated time for the pic. They offered to call me before they start her class so I could "run her in real quick", but that doesn't exactly work when you live 20 minutes from the school, and she's supposed to be at my parents' house 40 minutes from the school. I don't think holding things up for 20-40 minutes is gonna work.

So she has her individual shots done today. She even let me fix her hair. I put her in a "nice" solid colored long-sleeved Tshirt, and her black dockers, with her good tennis shoes. Figured solid colors usually look better, especially since I don't know what background they're using.

Apparently, I am not the majority. Most of the kids in the classes getting their pictures done today were dressed. to. the. nines. Frilly dresses, dress shirts & slacks, all hairbows & headbands, ribbons & curls.

{{ sigh }}

********

The injured chicken is still living in the laundry room. I have named her PegLeg. And we now let her into the house when we're home. She usually makes her way to the living room, settles in, and watches television. It's actually kinda funny.

*******

Jena thinks "PegLeg" is a hilarious name. Which is even funnier because I'm 99% sure she doesn't actually get it, she just thinks it sounds funny.

My Fat Butt

Time for another update.

Well, I guess it's time to admit that my endocrinologist really was right... because the weight keeps coming off!

The most I've ever lost on Weight Watchers was 7 lbs - and it took several months to reach that.

After 2 weeks.... I've lost 6.6 lbs!

It's insane. To me anyway.

The fact that I lost another 2+ lbs this past week - the week that I went over my points 5 of 7 days - the week that I was on my period (hello cravings!) - the week that I was sick (hiya comfort food!) - the week that I figured out caffeine kept my headache to a minimum (how ya doin' Pepsi?)- yea, that week.

I started out each day doing pretty well. Breakfast & lunch anyway. So just by following it for breakfast & lunch, I still lost over 2 lbs!

I'm still wary. I suppose years of these sorts of things working for everyone around me, but not for me does that to a girl. But I am starting to get my hopes up. Starting to think what I really want my weight goal to be (instead of the tiny little number that I'm almost at already!).

Maybe I need this kind of structure to keep me in line. Or maybe I just needed some structure to help me get that picture of what I should be eating back in my mind.

Either way, I'm pretty happy with my progress so far.

Oh, and yes, FireMan's still losing too! He lost another 4 lbs this week! yay!

As always, thanks for checking in!

My Fat Butt - Weight Watchers update

Well, I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but I think my endocrinologist might be right: maybe I can lose weight "like a normal person" now.

After my first week on Weight Watchers, of which I went way over my points three days... I still lost 4 pounds!

Now, to be fair, I was pretty sure I was retaining water at my initial weigh-in. So that could be part of it. And is one of the reasons I'm trying not to get my hopes too high.

But I still didn't expect to lose 4 lbs the first week! Especially not when I blew it about half the time!

*mental note - not a good idea to start a new eating program just a few days before that time of the month. or before 2 family get-togethers with home cookin' and yummy desserts

I will say I really like how fruits & veggies are zero points on the new PointsPlus program. Eating more fruits & veggies has always been a struggle for me. But now that those are the only foods I can eat without using my points... I have an extra motivation for scarfing them down!

It definitely also helps that Jason is doing the plan as well (he lost 9 lbs his first week!). Especially since he's the competitive type.

Instead of him wanting to go out, he's now telling me we need to stay home, and now I'm more likely to ask to eat out. The first night we were on the program, he made dinner on the grill - chicken breasts & asparagus. We added a side salad, and... yum!

And it's so much easier to grocery shop when both of you are on the same plan! Instead of having to buy "regular" food and "diet" food, like I would have done in the past, it's all diet food, and we're eating a lot of the same things.

*mental note - buy Jena some cookies! Poor kid doesn't know what's going on around here!

I really think this will help us to eat healthier. My one struggle point right now is that I refuse to throw away the food we already had, so... there's still quite a bit of not-the-healthiest food around the house that needs to be eaten.

Once that is gone, it should be quite a bit easier to stay within my points, without the guilt of ignoring the "bad" food (ie. hard earned money) in our cupboard.

Anyway, that's my update so far. Thanks for checking in!

My Fat Butt

 

Well, I guess it's about time I updated you on my fat butt.

In November I started a second round of meds. Except... my bloodwork showed such improvement that we dropped two of the meds. Yay! me.

However... the meds I am on aren't having as great an effect on my weight as they did the first round. Like... at all.

At my initial weigh-in I had gained rebounded about 5 lbs since my last visit. I was disappointed, but he said that was actually really good, and was another testament to how much my body chemistry has improved since I first saw him, and how much I have been trying to improve my lifestyle.

But... since then, I've only lost 4 lbs, even on the meds. It fluctuates slightly month-to-month, but minus 4 lbs is pretty much where I'm at. I'm sure my blood levels are probably continuing to improve (they only check it every 6 months), but the needle on the scale isn't moving (and this is a Fat Butt update, after all).

I know part of it is because I don't have nearly as much to lose now. I am down roughly 50 lbs from my starting weight, there's no more excess water to lose, my body is no longer turning everything I eat into fat. I am, in fact, really close to the weight my body had been plateaued at for years prior to getting pregnant.

So I wonder if this is where I will stay.

To make it more difficult, my back injury means my exercise is extremely limited. Walking (but not too much), swimming, and I might try bike-riding now that the weather's warmer. And if we can work a bike into our budget.
In addition, I've been really super-stressed at work, and the truth is I've always been a stress eater. So it's been extremely difficult for me to maintain my eating plan.

And... I've stopped one of my meds. I can't believe it took me this long, but I finally had the realization that I was having a side effect. A pretty serious one. And of course, one of the "less common" side effects. And something that (for me) could easily be translated as being due to something else. I'm thinking about blogging about it, but... I don't know. It feels kinda personal, so I'm debating. We'll see.

Anywho, so that meant I had to stop of one my meds. I had actually suspected the side effect for a while, but was in a type of denial, even though I did reduce my dosage (after informing my doctor) in an effort to alleviate the side effect. Since the side effect didn't go away, I convinced myself it wasn't the meds. But it was. So I stopped. It's not until next month that we can discuss an alternative option.

And so... considering all these things... and because Jason was already talking about doing it himself... I'm starting Weight Watchers in a couple of weeks.

A couple of men at our church have lost a significant amount of weight on the program, and Jason has been lamenting his weight gain over the past few years, so he was tossing around the idea. Online of course. Because men hate to go to "women's" meetings (my scarcastic, teasing words - not his).

I've done the program a few times in the past. Never with much success. But I always liked the program because it was a great way to keep proper portions in mind, and would help me get on / stay on track with regards to healthy eating, even if I wasn't losing weight.

I'm hoping this time... I'll drop some poundage as well.

First of all, because since seeing the endocrinologist, he feels confident that my struggle to lose weight in the past was primarily do to my endocrine disorder. Now that that is well-controlled, he believes I should be able to lose weight "like a normal person".

Secondly, I know a few people who didn't have success with WW in the past, who decided to try the new PointsPlus program, and found it to work much better for them.

I hoping that those two factors indicate I'll have better weight-loss success this time.

So that will be my next adventure. And Jason's. We're doing it together.

Why in a couple weeks? Several reasons:
    1) in a couple weeks comes a clear break point for us that will give us a good clean start date
    2) we need to buy a scale. ours hasn't worked since the move. unless I actually weigh six pounds. in which case I don't even need to lose weight.
    3) I'll need to do some grocery shopping to prepare. More. Veggies. Always a struggle point for me.

And if nothing else, I know it'll be good for me as a reminder of healthy portion sizes, and good eating.

As always, thanks for checking in!

Gym Today = Success !!

I almost didn't go. FireGirl has not been doing well in their child care, at all. If we put her in there, we usually get paged after about 10-15 min to come get her because she's in hysterics. So the past few weeks we actually haven't gone to the gym unless we have someone to watch her.

But I really want to get back into the swing of going more frequently. FireMan is working, but I wanted to give it a shot.

I dropped her off in child care, and she was crying, but not screaming, so... I left.
I intentionally kept my workout short. Ten minutes on the stationary bike, followed by one lap around the track, and fifteen reps on the shoulder press machine.
I went to pick up FireGirl... and... she was playing happily! I couldn't believe it!
I'm hopeful that this is a sign of a turn-around in this area.

And... according to their scale I've lost two more pounds! I really couldn't believe it. I actually didn't go to my Weight Watchers weigh-in this week because I have done so horribly this past week. Aunt Flo was in town, and I was a little stressed. Last Monday I consumed more chocolate in one day than I probably usually do in two weeks. Plus my back was really bothering me so we skipped our trainer session and I've taken it easy most of the week.

And I still lost two pounds!

I'm becoming more & more convinced that a lot of my weight gain & difficulty losing weight really has been due, at least in part, to my being on Lexapro. And I'm still on it, just not nearly as high a dose as I was before.

In a way it frustrates me, because I feel like I was helpless to change my weight, and because my weight gain has caused me so much stress, and here it might not even really be my fault.
But in another way it relieves me, because it means that I really didn't eat myself into oblivion. I mean, I definitely can improve my eating & activity, but who can't, right? It kinda lifts a weight off of my shoulders (pardon the pun) and give me comfort that once my PPD is under control, and I get off the meds completely, that my weight actually might come off, at least most of it. Maybe.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I had reached a point where I was really frustrated with my weight and I felt like it didn't matter what I did I was just always gonna be fat, so why not eat whatever, but now I feel hopeful that now that I'm weaning off the meds I'm starting to see results and maybe it's not a hopeless situation afterall. Maybe I'll reach my pre-baby weight eventually.

I feel good! Nanananana!

I really should hit the gym more often. After our training session last night, I feel great!

And guess what? I used the forty pound weights last night! Not every time, but still. Forty! For me, that's a lot!

It's just so exciting to see my body getting stronger.

I'm thinking about trying a group class or two. Kinda scared. Both because I don't want to look like an idiot (ha!) and because they all look like they have a lot of impact involved. Which worries me about my back. But they look like fun. Everyone always looks like they're having so much fun while they're getting their butt kicked!
I guess I could pick one and try it once or twice. It's just scary for me, you know? I mean, the fact is if it's too much impact, one Zumba class could lay me up for a week or so. Scary.
But if it doesn't... then I could be missing out on a great way for me to get even stronger & healthier.
I guess I won't know until I try, but still... scary!

Oh, and I weighed myself at the gym, and my weight had gone down a little bit. Even being the end of the day, and after lunch & dinner. But my "official" weigh-in at Weight Watchers is later today, so I'll wait & see what that is before I get too excited.

Thanks for checking in!

Results

Yesterday I weighed in at Weight Watchers. I'm down a total of 3.6 lbs in four weeks! Yay!

Now, I'm not gonna lie. I have not been nearly as good about tracking my points as I really should be. Not nearly. In fact, when I weigh in and the number goes down, I'm a little surprised. I felt like I was doing "better" when I was trying to follow my trainer's eating plan.

But then it dawned on me yesterday. I've been weaning off of the Lexapro. Finally. So far, so good. I've only taken two pills in two weeks. And then I realized. I started weaning off of it right about the same time I started WW.

So, has my weight loss been because of WW? or because I'm weaning off of a med that has been known to cause unexplained weight gain & difficulty losing weight?

Well... I think it's a combination of both. My theory is that now that I'm weaning off of the meds, my body is able to react to my efforts the way that it should, and so is finally, slowly, beginning to drop the weight.

Slowly can be frustrating, but I remind myself that the last time I lost a significant amount of weight I averaged only 1/2 a pound a week. But I kept the majority of the weight off until I got pregnant. I'd rather take longer to lose it, and keep it off, than lose it all in a couple of months then put it right back on.

On a semi-related note, I'm starting to see results with my workouts as well. My trainer still kicks my butt, but... I'm able to use bigger weights than before. When I first started, I never used more than 15 lb weights. Last night the lightest one I used was 20 lbs.

Improvements. Results.

Feels good.

I told you I joined Weight Watchers, right?

Well, my first week was... tough.

I went over my points every day. I tried. And stumbled. And tried again. And stumbled. Apparently my eating has gotten more out of control than I realized, because, having done WW in the past, I really didn't think it would be that difficult to meet my points. But it was.

Today was my first weigh-in.

And...

I lost three pounds!

I couldn't believe it! I honestly thought I would stay the same, or maybe even gain, or if I lost anything it would be maybe half a pound or something. But no! I lost THREE!

I don't remember how much I expounded on this before, but I'd really gotten frustrated with my trainer from the nutrition side of things. I was having difficulty making my targets, and when I asked for help I got no guidance at all. Just "you have to do it, you just have to do it". Well, you know what? For those of us who struggle with eating, and admittedly don't know that much about nutrition, just doing it isn't that easy. So I decided to forget what they told me and go back to WW.

For those of you who, like me, haven't been to Weight Watchers in a few years, they've actually changed improved their program somewhat. They've changed the way they calculate how many points you get in a day, to allow for variances by gender, age, lifestyle, and even nursing moms. They've also changed their focus from being so strict, to allowing "failure". Failure is a bad word, but right now I'm struggling with the right word for it. Basically, I remember last time I did it there was so much emphasis on eating exactly your points every. single. day. Can't go over. And don't go under either. Now it's more of "here's your guideline" kinda idea. If you go under one particular day, no biggie. If you go over one day, no big deal, start over the next day. Just don't make either one a habit. The focus is much more on making this a life change, which allows for some variation from time-to-time, instead of a strict diet or eating plan, that doesn't allow much flexibility for, well, life. And let's face it, life happens.
Oh, and I'm using their online tools, and so far I really like them. They also have an application for most smartphones, but I haven't yet downloaded it, so I can't review it yet. I imagine that will make it even better, easier to track when I'm out & about and whatnot.

It's been a while, hasn't it?

Life has been C-R-A-Z-Y here this past week. I'll try for a quick-ish recap.

Last Saturday I took Buddy to a six hour dog training seminar. It's a first for either of us, as he's never been to even basic obedience training, and I've never taken any dog to any sort of training. He did really well, for the most part. I don't know who has more to learn, me or him! I'm really hoping that with some work our transition to having our dogs as indoor dogs in the new house will not only be possible, but will be a pleasure.

BTW - I was really impressed with the work the trainer did with the dogs there. Many of them were foster dogs and had "issues". If you have a dog & live in the Greater Cincinnati area and would be interested in coming to her next seminar, send me a private message (kyfirewife@gmail.com).

Saturday night we attended the wedding of one of Jason's cousins, followed by a late-night showing of "The Killers" (recommend it). The wedding was "adults only", so we left Jena with my parents and had a date night of sorts.

Sunday I went to pick up Jena, and noted she had a low grade fever. But she otherwise acted okay, so I chalked it up to something related to the treatment for her staph infection. Got her up Monday morning, and she still had a fever, and vomited twice before I even got to try breakfast. Took her to the pediatrician. Good news: her staph infection looked really good, is healing nicely. Bad news: she has a virus. Her fever finally broke overnight Tuesday night. Which means Tuesday was a bad night. Her fever reached 104 F, and only came down to 103 F on Tylenol. She kept crying & waking up, so I eventually let her sleep on my chest, in the recliner. At some point I woke up covered in sweat. Her sweat. Then when she woke up in the morning, her temp was down to 99 F, and the fever hasn't been back yet. She's still somewhat whiny though, and clingy. And still not much of an appetite. So Jena's still not 100% back yet, but she is definitely so, so, soooooooooo much better than she was earlier in the week.

Of course she gets sick during what would be a very busy week at work for me. So I got permission to work a limited amount of time from home, and signed in remotely during Jena's naps.

Wednesday we had a showing. Last minute. I really didn't want to make Jena leave the house, since she was still not feeling well, but she didn't have a fever anymore, and the big picture is that these are potential buyers who might buy our house, so... we left. Now for the adventure. We come home an hour later, and as I'm trying to put the dogs back in the yard (we lock them in their room in the basement for showings), Jena opens the basement door when my back is turned, and... we have three loose dogs. As I'm trying to get Jena in the car & round up the leashes, my phone won't stop ringing. It's Jason. We have another showing. In 15 minutes. I now have a sick baby, three loose dogs, and can't even go home?!? The realtor is pulling in the driveway as I am leaving. It's the same people that were just there! I drive around, and eventually corral all three dogs into the car. Did I ever mention that these are not small dogs. Well, Flopsy is. But the big dogs? We're talking 85 & 90 lbs, respectively. Three dogs & a toddler in the car. And I'm not supposed to go home. I did anyway, planning to drop them off in the back yard & leave. Well, the potential buyers saw me & flagged me down as I was getting back in the car. Asked me quite a few questions, then they left. Okay, good. Get Jena inside, give her a bath. As I'm drying her off, my phone rings again. It's Jason. Another showing. In 20 minutes. I look down. Jena is nodding off. It's been a long day for her (and for me). But I have to focus on the big picture of selling the house. So we leave. Ends up, it's the same people! This time with their handyman.

So... ends up they did a sort of mini-inspection that day. Our realtor said their realtor is either a rookie, or just really inconsiderate, and that she should have instructed them that they need to make an offer first, then have a real inspection done. So supposedly they are planning to make an offer, but following their "mini-inspection" have already decided on some upgrades they want to do, so are going back to their bank to get pre-approved for more $$ for the upgrades. We're supposed to have our offer no later than close of business on Monday.

All I have to say is that after all that, they'd better make a decent offer! Jena & I were exhausted after all that, and I could tell the dogs were really stressed by having strangers coming in & out of the house so many times.

Yesterday was my first day in the office all week. And besides playing catch-up, we had a major event today that I was on the planning committee for. And I was determined to start Weight Watchers. So needless to say, yesterday was nuts.

Most of today was spent in final preparations for the event, plus the event itself. It was a huge success, and was well received by everyone. It was the first time we had done anything like this at my work though, so there are definitely some learning points for future endeavours, but all-in-all, it was great. And I am sunburnt.