Letting People In

One of my friends kinda invited herself to my house for a play date. Not in a rude way, more of a miscommunication (I assumed we were meeting at a park, she assumed they were coming over). And I should clarify that although I do consider her a friend, we're not especially close, haven't spent a lot of time together, chatting, or what not. So not a close friend by any means.

I figured this out at 10:30pm the night before when she asked what time she should be over.

Instead of back-pedaling, backing out of it, explaining the miscommunication... I agreed.

I might be insane.

My house was a disaster. And not like in the way that people say when it's a little bit untidy but they want to be polite or whatever. Like a serious messy, messy did-a-tornado-hit-here? disaster. The last thing I wanted was for anyone to see my house. Actually, the last thing I wanted was to spend hours cleaning our house only to realize that it still isn't even close to "company ready", even though company is coming, ready or not.

But our pastor routinely says things about how if you keep shutting people out of your life & your home because you're afraid of being rejected based on your flaws, then you are missing out on real, authentic relationships. So I agreed instead of backing out, and I let her and her kids in.

And it was awesome. If she judged me, she didn't show it. You see, I always kind of assume that when people see my messy house they either judge me, or are relieved (you know who you are, LOL). Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe a lot of people just don't care that much either way, but that's what I envision: either judgement or relief.

So we don't have people over a lot. Hardly every really. But maybe we should. Because it was great. The kids played together well, she and I got to chat almost the entire two hours, and I think we all genuinely had a great time.

So maybe I need to let more people in, literally and figuratively. Maybe I'm missing out on something great by not letting people in. And maybe if someone judges me based on my lack of housekeeping skills, they aren't the kind of friend I need in my life anyway.

What about you? Is there anything you use a reason to keep people at bay? What are you afraid of?

As always, thanks for checking in!

Trip to Chicago

Last month Jason had the opportunity to attend a marketing workshop in Chicago, so we decided to bring the girls along and make it a family trip.

We started out by stopping at the Indianapolis Children's Museum on the way. This is really a must-see for any families that live in the MidWest. The exhibits are fantastic and educational. We've been several times, and our girls just can't get enough of it. This time the girls' favorite exhibit was the circus exhibit. So much to do hands on! We ended up spending most of our time there. Check out our video to see some of the things we got to see and do there.

Once we left the Children's Museum we stopped for the night in northern Indiana. The next day we made our way into Chicago. As many times as I've been there, I never get used to how crowded it is! People (and cars!) everywhere!

While we were there we were able to meet up with my best friend from college. Gaby & I have so many differences, but we have been there for each other for over 20 years now. It's amazing when we get to see each other in person finally. I love her so much!

The next day, while Jason attended his workshop, the girls & I went to the highlight of our visit: a trip to the American Girl store! Jena got one for her last birthday, and Jillian had been asking for one for months. Since Jillian's birthday overlapped with our trip, we decided to get her one as her "big" present from us. Jena too, had been wanting another one, and in fact had been saving her money for months, trying to save enough to get one.

I really am so proud of her. From her 8th birthday & Christmas she had about $40, but if you know anything about American Girl dolls, that's not even close to enough. The rest of the money she earned thru soccer and chores.

For soccer, midway thru her first season as goalie Jason had agreed to pay her $1 for every goal she stopped, but take away $2 for any goals that got thru. At the time this was maybe $4-5 per game, tops. Usually $1-2. Then indoor soccer started. Ends up indoor soccer moves at a faster pace, and strikers tend to get off more shots on goal. With our daughter being one of the top goalies in her age group, more than half of her games were shut outs. She stopped as many as 27 goals in one game, without letting a single one through! I'm not gonna lie, she cleaned up on that deal!

For chores, she earns money for chores. The amount is rather small though, ranging from 5 cents to 50 cents per chore. She worked really hard because she wanted that doll, and some weeks earned as much as $8.

She saved every dollar, and by the time of our trip had enough to not only purchase the doll of her choosing, but get two outfits for it too! I'm so proud of her for her hard work to earn the money, and the self-restraint to save it for a large purchase. That can be hard for many adults, and my little girl si only 8 years old.

Check out this video to see how excited the girls were when we told them about going to the American Girl store, and some of our time there.

We had such a nice time in Chicago. It's a lovely city, and of course I always get to see a good friend when we go.

Have you been to Chicago lately? What are your favorite sites to see there?

As always, thanks for checking in!

Kinda Sucks

Kind of a spinoff of my last post, although it wasn’t intended to be, this one is about the pain of breakups.

When the Ex & I broke up, as painful as it was, the pain that was totally unexpected was how it altered, and eventually (pretty much) ended the relationship I had with his family, and he with mine. It also altered our relationships with various friends.

It seems that most people (friends anyway) feel this need to pick sides. As if they can no longer be friends with both of us. So I became estranged from friends who chose him. And was pleasantly surprised when some friends I thought would choose to remain closer to the Ex, instead chose to stand by my side.

Honestly, guys, I would have been fine if you’d stayed friends with both of us, it would have been okay.

There are a few who managed that balance. But for the most part it seemed as if lines were drawn.

I think that’s something that most people don’t think about when a significant relationship is ending.

Two members of our family have recently gone thru / are going thru breakups of varying degrees. As painful as  I know the experience is for them, I’m also having a pity party for myself.

Because I’m losing two “in-laws” that I love dearly, whom I connect with, whom I don’t want to lose touch with.

But whom I also realize I probably will see less and less (if at all) as the years go by.

And I feel confident in saying that they feel the same way. They aren’t just losing their partner, they are also losing part of their family.

In one way, it’s beautiful how one relationship can branch out and flower into multiple close friendships & relationships. But when that relationship dies, it’s painful how the branches & flowers of extended relationships die with it.

Kinda sucks.

As always, thanks for checking in.

Check Your Boobs

I've been thinking about writing this post for a while now, but I'm having a hard time organizing it. So I'm just gonna ramble, okay?

******************

My mom is a breast cancer survivor.
My aunt is a breast cancer survivor.
My great aunt is a breast cancer survivor.
My friend from high school is a breast cancer survivor.
My co-worker is a breast cancer survivor.
My friend from college lost her battle with breast cancer.

In other words, I have been personally touched by breast cancer.

If you must know, I have had unexpected changes in my own breasts, so due to that plus my family history, have been getting regular mammograms since the age of 27.

Breast cancer, all cancer really, is a subject I take very seriously. Dude, cancer kills.

I've seen a lot of talk this year about pink. Everywhere. And there is, for some, a disdain for the pink.

source

Here's my take on the pink.

When my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, yes, I wore some pink. For some reason I wore more after she hit her 5-year-clear mark. I can't tell you why. I don't know. All I know is that it has to do with my processing of her disease.

My mom has never worn a pink ribbon. Ever. It's not something she feels compelled to do. Though she hasn't said it, I think it has something to do with not wanting to be defined by the cancer.

I think sometimes, for some people - and by "people" I mean those personally affected by the disease - being able to outwardly show support for patients, survivors, and victims is part of the healing process. It's part of their need to process what is happening to them or to someone they love.

I also think, that if for one month of the year, if putting pink on everything gets just one person to perform a breast self-exam, or if it gets just one person to think "maybe I should schedule that mammogram I've been putting off"... if blasting the world with pink results in just one life being saved... then how can I have distaste for that?

My friend, Julie, died at the age of 33 after a years-long battle with breast cancer. THIRTY FREAKIN' THREE.

Julie, as I remember her, in our college years and full of life (source)

Here's the thing: Julie found her lump because the news was doing a thing on breast cancer and self-exams. She had no family history of the disease. She was healthy & in her late 20s. But she checked on a whim because a news program was doing a thing on self-exams.

So I know that people check their breasts because of things like news programs, or seeing a sign, or maybe even seeing the world splashed in pink.

So blast the world in pink. I don't even care if companies make money off the pink (as long as they're not misleading consumers). But show the pink. Wear the pink. But more importantly... check your boobs.

33 years old. I know for a fact that there are young women out there who did their first self-breast exam because of Julie's story. You see, Julie was very public about her battle with breast cancer. Like, go-on-the-local-news, tell-anyone-she-sees public. And because of her openness and candor about her disease, there are women who did their first breast self-exam because of her story.

33 years old.

Don't let Julie's death be in vain. I don't care how young you are, I don't care whether or not you have a family history of breast cancer, I don't even care if you're a man. Check your boobs.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to have a good cry over the loss of my friend, and then to feel myself up.

Here's hoping you're doing the same.

Article: Nine Signs that you Might be an Introvert

One of my dear friends recently shared this on my Facebook. I can totally, totally relate. Check it out.

Nine Signs that you Might be an Introvert

Here are the statements from this article that I most identify with. I say "most" because, really, all of it.

"I tend to get a little overwhelmed and shut down in large groups."Yep. Drives the hubs a tad be crazy that the gal who will talk his ear off when we're alone will completely shut down when we're out. o-v-e-r-w-h-e-l-m-e-d.

"Being alone is an activity to me..."Absolutely. It took Jason a little while to figure out that me having some alone time, with him on shift and Jena with a family member is necessary to my sanity. I'm not doing "nothing". I'm saving myself.

"Every introvert knows the exquisite joy of slipping away... and into the bathroom, where you can close the door and let your brain settle down."And now I need to call my dad and explain why I took long showers all those years. I also distinctly remember taking insanely long showers the year I lived in the dorms at college. It was the only place I could go to be by myself. The only one.

"We're not minglers."Give me a purpose, a role, something I actually have to talk about? I'm good. Ask me to just randomly mingle with folks socially? Probably not going to happen.  So awkward.

"Any attrition in our friendships can be a problem because replacing an intimate is difficult." Preach it. While I have hundreds of acquaitances, I have very few friends. And I've blogged before about how they all moved away. And even though two of them moved back, I hate to say we haven't quite reconnected on the same level that we were before. I am currently in a situation where the one intimate friend I have the most contact with lives over 120 miles away.

"I don't need to join the fun. For me, watching is the fun." Throughout the years I think this is one of my biggest pet peeves. I'd be sitting there, all happy, watching everyone have a great time, having a great time watching everyone have a great time, and some well-meaning extrovert would approach me and ask what's wrong. My quizzical face or response would be met with them telling me how something must be wrong because I'm not joining in. On occasion this would lead to an argument because they would insist that there was something was wrong that I wasn't telling them, while I insisted that there was nothing wrong. Once in a while, they would leave, angry with me for not telling them what was wrong.
Seriously. This scene has played out numerous times in my life since childhood. I could write the script.
You know what's wrong with me? YOU. I was having a great time, enjoying myself here in the sidelines, until you came up and informed me that something must be wrong with me, then proceeded to hound me about it until we were both actually upset. Geesh!

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What about you, dear readers? Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Care to share a story?

Why we don't call names in our house

Recently I was describing a scene at our house in which Jena had a meltdown. A friend responded by yelling "SPOILED BRAT!".

As I tried to explain the situation further, this friend just kept interrupting me, repeating "Spoiled brat! She's a spoiled brat! Brat!" I never did get to finish my story.

In fact, I stopped talking until someone changed the subject. By "someone" I mean one of the 15+ people in the vicinity, including my daughter, who was in earshot.

I should have said something. Sadly, I was too stunned. I know that this person loves my daughter very much, wouldn't doubt that they would lay down their life for her. So why call her names in such a manner?
 I should have called her on it.

The sad thing is I've heard them speak to their own children in the same manner. To other loved ones. It's how they speak.

Not in my house.

Yuou see, the problem with calling names, is that you are attaching an identity to that person.

Instead of telling me that you think my actions are causing behavior problems in my child, you are telling my child she is a "spoiled brat". You have assigned her an identity.

Does that make sense?

Instead of addressing one action, one behavior, both of which can change, you are essentially saying "this is who you are, it's part of your identity"

To you get the difference?

Instead of yelling 'SPOILED BRAT!', my friend could just have easily said "I think you're spoiling her!". The latter statement not only sounds nicer, it's more accurate. It places the blame squarely where it belongs - on my actions as Jena's parent, instead of giving a four-year-old the identity of being a brat because she had a one meltdown.

So we don't do name calling in our house. But it honestly took this episode for me to really think about why we made that decision. We don't call names, because it isn't nice. But it really goes deeper than that, doesn't it? It speaks to assigning resposibility on someone's actions instead of their character as a person, on giving them the ability to change, rather than assessing their identity as being negative in & of itself.

So we don't do name calling in our house.

We do nicknames - Punkinbutt, Love, and Beautiful are probably the three I use most often with Jena.

We address behavior - stop whining, you need to calm down, you get what you get and you don't throw a fit, etc.

But we do not call names in our house.

And next time, I will be better prepared to rebutt anyone who does call my child a name. Promise.

As always, thanks for checking in!

Surroundings

I keep thinking about my previous post, and the related one following, and my thoughts have led me to the topic of the people with whom we surround ourselves.

It seems like something that most people don't put conscious effort into, yet maybe we should. Because the truth is that the people who surround us do have a direct effect on us personally.

If we spend enough time with someone, they often rub off on us, good or bad.

And of course there's the obvious fact that everything we do affects others, so it is even moreso for those with whom we spend large amounts of time.

I keep thinking about my first post, and I do think it's straw-that-broke-the-camel's-back sort of thing. After nine years of not "fitting in", it was just too much. I broke (I'm better now, no longer irritated by it at all, thanks for asking :)

And isn't this true of everyone we allow into our lives? Sometimes they break us.

The friend that just takes too much energy to be around, eventually gets to be too much - a drain.
The relative that constantly complains, is repeatedly negative, never anything good to say - a downer.
The spouse that betrays our trust - a heart breaker.

Eventually, we break. The more we've let them in, the more broken we are.

Likewise, there are those who lift us up.

The friend who quietly trudges along in her workouts, and her body transformation comes to mind every time we drag ourselves to get some more exercise - an inspiration.
The relative who always has a kind word, is always happy to hear from us, no matter what - a solace
The same spouse, who does tasks that we don't - a helper.

Can we avoid being influenced by those around us? No, I really don't think so.

But we can guard our hearts and our minds. We can be aware of how others influence us.

We can gently speak to those who upset us, trying to ease the burden of being with them. We can choose to back away from relationships which repeatedly drag us down.
We can be appreciative of those who influence us for the better. We can choose to spend time & effort building up relationships which leave us feeling lifted.

But maybe more importantly, we can look inward. We can examine our selves, our lives, and make a conscious effort to be an uplifting, encouraging, positive influence on those around us. We can be someone's refuge, someone's joy, someone's friend. We can be the good influence on the world.

And isn't that what we all should try to be anyway?

I'm Mad at a Luxury Vehicle

I'm in a funk. Actually, I'm really irritated about something. Something stupid. But I haven't been able to shake it, so I'm writing about it here in hopes to get it out of my system.

One of my co-workers bought a new Lexus. And it ticks me off.

For no reason at all. I mean, why should I be in a funk because someone else bought a car? Makes no sense, right? Exactly! That's why I have to get it out my system. Hence, the writing.

This is not an unusual development. Stuff like this happens all the time. So maybe it's just a straw-broke-the-camel's-back sort of thing.

For the past nine years, I've worked with people who make (in my perspective) a lot of money. Co-workers just one level above me make about what Jason & I make combined. And it increases the higher on the totem pole you get. Understandably.

And since I work with a lot of men, this means that with few exceptions, their wives are all stay-at-home-moms. Most of them live in nice houses in nice subdivisions and drive nice cars. They wear name brand clothing (Polo Ralph Lauren seems to be the brand of choice). They go on vacations that are on my "dream" list. With few exception they all belong to a gym. The children attend private schools and take dance / gymnastic / karate classes at expensive private studios. Many of them have cleaning ladies that come weekly. Because I am friends with several of the wives, I know that they shop for... whatever... pretty much whenever they feel like it, with little worry for the budget. They buy ridiculously expensive dogs from "breeders". They pay for doggy day care. The list goes on & on.

And for the first time, possibly in my life, this bothers me (see camel-back reference above). I don't know why it bothers me, I can't even tell you how it bothers me. I wouldn't classify it as jealousy (the obvious answer), or resentment, or... anything but just being irritable about the whole thing.

I have worked with these people for nine years. I like them. We are friends. Some of them I consider almost as extended family. I know their wives & children. We hang out. They are nice to me.

But when I pulled up to my co-worker's house, and saw the brand new Lexus SUV sitting there, it pissed me off. I knew he was trading in his vehicle. I kind of assumed maybe for a minivan, since they recently had another child. But a luxury SUV?

I think in a way it's a feeling of being left out. Maybe.

Because in my group, in the 50 people sitting nearest to me, I am the only one not at this financial level. Sometimes it feels like an exclusive club to which I will never belong.

I don't want to come across like I'm whining, although maybe I am. It's just... like I said it's like they all belong to this club that I just can't get into. When it comes to anything financially speaking, we just can't relate to one another. Nine years later, this is one area that we cannot connect thru.

At best, I stand there and smile during their conversations, pretending like I know what it's like to have problems like "having" to replace all the furniture in your house because you moved into your brand new custom built giant house and now nothing "goes".

At worst, I've actually manage to end conversations by saying things like how we altered travel plans because of the high gas prices. Why? Because this would never occur to them. And now they feel bad. And then I feel bad for making them feel bad. And... insert awkward silence until someone has the presence of mind to change the subject.

And I don't want it to seem like I think they don't deserve it, or anything. I am not a punish-the-rich type of gal. I'm happy for them. I'm glad that they have that type of financial freedom. I know them personally, so I know that they've worked for it. Hard. They've gone thru add'l schooling, all of them have bachelor's degrees, many of them have their masters. They put in long hours. They spend numerous nights away from their families. They have earned every dime.

I just... I just feel like an outsider whenever these things come up, and I'm tired of it, and Jason & I work hard too, and maybe I want to buy a luxury vehicle without sacrificing our mortgage payment or not have to argue about whether or not we can afford the YMCA or maybe I freakin' wanna be able to buy one stinkin' outfit without worrying that I'm busting our budget!

I'm sorry. This is such a long & rambling post. Maybe I thought about deleting it. Maybe I decided I won't because surely someone else out there can relate. Maybe I think everyone can relate at some point in time, not necessarily about the money issue, but about another way they feel like an outsider and they can't break thru and it just gets to be too much.

So that's my long rambling post about being mad at a luxury vehicle. Thanks for checking in.

Today is the hardest

Dear Friend;

It has been hard. So hard. I know. As much as I can know, I know.

But if my family's experience at the loss of my father-in-law is any indication, today will be the hardest day.

Today will be long. The visitation, while healing in its own right, is also grueling. Too many hours, too many people, too much standing, not enough water, need-to-pee grueling.

Too many tears, too many hugs, too many loved ones you won't remember tomorrow grueling.

I imagine you awoke early, making final preparations, rushing last minute items to the funeral home, spending a last few moments alone together as a family, getting ready, paying your own respects, before the public arrives.

It will be a long day. A very long day.

And at times it will feel like you can't take anymore, can't hug one more person, can't be there anymore.

And at other times it will feel numb, like your father isn't lying behind you in a casket.  You will shake hands, and hug people while they are crying, and for a few moments you will feel nothing.

And then a glance to your dad, or catching eyes with someone across the room, or a brief clip of music catches your ear, and the tears will come again.

It will be a very long day.

But there is tomorrow.

Tomorrow you will have the funeral service. Tomorrow you will bury your dad.

It will be quieter. Fewer people. More private. There will be time for you to speak, to say your peace, to say your good-byes.

It will still be hard, but unlike the grueling nature of today, there is peace in the quiet of tomorrow's ceremony. There is a strange sort of peace at the finality of it.

And the next day... the next day, for the first time in a long time, you will be able to breathe.

Oh, don't get me wrong. It still hurts. I wish I could tell you it gets better, it gets easier. But it doesn't. You just become used to it and learn how to move on.

But the day after next, you will be able to breathe. Finally. You may not realize it at first, but it's there, the breath in space now unknown to you.

You will move on. You will get down to business. Helping your mom navigate life insurance policies, and joint accounts, and wills. It will hurt, badly at times, but you will begin moving on.

And months from  now, maybe even years from now, there will still be times when you are overcome with emotion, when you miss your dad, when it hits you once again. There will still be days when you succumb to the tears.

But today, today is the hardest. I promise.

You can do this. You can get thru today. And then, you can find a bit of peace tomorrow, and then... then, you can breathe.

You are on my heart today, and I am praying God holds you tightly, that you feel His presence in your time of need.

God bless you.

Second Chances

This is something that's been stirring around in my brain for a while. Time for it to come out.

Ya'll remember my nephew, right? (short version - overdosed on drugs, almost died, medical miracle)

For more details read here & here for the short-story explanations.

Let me preface this by saying that I already said that I don't know why God spared him. And maybe more importantly, why God doesn't spare others. (crap, I swear I already blogged on this, but now I can't find the post. If I do, I'll insert it here).

Anyway, there are some things that happened surrounding my nephew's incident that left me (us) troubled.

Like... people from my sister's and BIL's church, which they were very active in, people they were close to, shunning them after they heard about their son's overdose.

Like... when I initially went forward at my church to pray for my nephew, and the "prayer partner" there stared at me and stumbled thru a prayer that seemed anything but sincere (thank God my pastor didn't act this way or I might not go there anymore).

Like... my nephew's doctors seeming to try to rush his parents into deciding to pull the plug. From the beginning I felt like he was getting less-than-stellar treatment because of why he was in that condition.

Like... other people. Random people. Friends reacting to the news of his condition with a well-he-did-it-to-himself laissez-faire attitude.

This all bothers me.

And not just because it's my nephew.

Did he make a mistake? Yes. A huge one. There's no denying that. He admits it himself.

Do we all make mistakes? Yes. Sometimes little ones. Sometimes big ones. But we all do.

Does he deserve to be dismissed, written-off, uncared for, left-to-die, because of his mistake? Does his family deserve to be shunned because of a mistake their son made?

Not unless we all deserve it too.

Everyone messes up. Some bigger than others. Or maybe it's that we all mess up the same, just in different ways. Some are obvious (ie. drug overdose that almost kills you), some are not so obvious (IDK... that's why they're not obvious, I suppose).

But the thing is that we all screw up at one time or another. We all do. And while I can't change how other people react to mistakes, I can do this:

I can not judge people by one mistake in their past.
I can not treat people differently because they made a mistake that I didn't make.
I can love everyone to the best of my ability.
I can show others the grace that I have been shown. Or that I wish I had been shown.
I can support people thru their mistakes, and thru the consequences of their actions, whether society judges them or not (because there are always consequences).

I can try to do all these things and more. Maybe I will succeed. Maybe sometimes I will slip. I am human after all. But I can try to make the world a better place, one second chance at a time.

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For anyone who's interested, my nephew is doing well. To the best of our knowledge, including those who live with him, he has not taken any illegal substances since returning home. My understanding is that he is unable to work (ie. not released by his doctors to work), but is currently attending a local community college (I don't know why school is okay, but not work - ask his doctors). He really seems to be trying to make a better life for himself, and understands the gravity of what happened. As much as he can, since he doesn't remember any of it. His memory of the incident goes from feeling sick, then jumps to doing physical therapy in the hospital. Everything in-between is lost to brain damage. You can see a renewed interest in family, as he has attended more family functions in the past few months than he has in the past 2 years combined.

Physically / medically speaking, he is severely hard-of-hearing. He hates to admit it, but it's obvious that he's getting most of what is being said from reading lips. The hearing loss is considered permanent, and hearing aids do not help, as the loss is due to brain damage, not an ear problem.
His brain damage is still considered severe, and permanent. He has been warned that one head injury could kill him. So when he stumbled down some stairs and bumped his head, what would have been a no-biggie to the rest of us, landed him in the hospital for some testing (he's fine).

And... I think that's it. For now. As always, thanks for checking in.

There are no winners here

source

There are no words.

At the same time, there is something to say.

What do you say when there are no words?

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When I heard the news, I cried. Then I wanted to get my Jena, before realizing my parents were watching her yesterday. Safe, visiting a Christmas display in Cincinnati, they may not even know the  news. I refrained from calling. No need to destroy their afternoon.

My mind wandered to the children. A freakin' KINDERGARTEN classroom, for pete's sake. Four- and five- year olds. WHY?!?

And then I realize, there is no reason. There cannot be any reason. I've heard people mention insanity. Mental Illness. Demon possession. And I understand why. Because there cannot be any reason for anyone to do this. Ever.

I pictured Jena's preschool. Thank goodness her classroom is towards the end of the hallway. Thank goodness for security measures taken at the school. And then I feel guilty for being glad her class isn't at the front of the school. Because what about those kids? And I also realize that Sandy Hook Elementary had security measures in place as well. Similar to many schools. And I realize that if someone wants to commit that kind of carnage, there is little that a security system will do to stop them.

I thought about the teachers at Sandy Hook. Those brave teachers and administrators, doing what they could to protect the children. We don't give our teachers enough credit for the work they do, but rarely do we also realize what they would do, should tragedy strike. Thank your child's teacher next time you see them.

And then I dared to think about the parents. The panicked parents. I cannot truly grasp the kind of terror that must have gripped each and every parent as they rushed to their babies. A terror that is either relieved when your child is in your arms, and immediately replaced with survivors' guilt, or is replaced by a grief no person should ever experience. There are no winners here.

And the children. The poor, terrified children. To think that the last few moments of your child's life were filled with such horror... and then the surviving students. What an impact this will have on their lives. Their view of school, of humanity in general, forever changed by this day.

Now to the first responders: police, SWAT, fire, EMTs/medics, probably more. I imagine my own Jason responding to the scene. I have to think it would change him, maybe forever. There will be some that will not return to this career. They all will forever carry those heinous images in their minds. Thank a first responder at your next opportunity. They do what the rest of us could or would not. They go in when the rest of us are trying desperately to get out.

Lastly, my mind turns to the shooter. I cannot rejoice at a life lost, any life lost. But I can be grateful that he cannot do it again. His family must be devastated. To deal with the grief of losing mother & son in one day is difficult enough, but to deal with it in this fashion, facing interrogations, media speculations, public scrutiny, all while trying to make sense of it yourself... I cannot imagine how difficult this is for them.

Last night Jena got a little bit spoiled. She doesn't know it, doesn't know why. In exchange for doing one tiny little chore she should have done anyway, I let her stay up "as late as Mommy". I let her play on the computer for hours. And then I let her sleep in my bed. Three things I never let her do. As much for me as it was for her.

Tonight we will take her to see the Elves at a local Christmas display. We will have dinner with family, then enjoy a little holiday spirit. I will do my best to pretend nothing bad happened. Not because I have become "desensitized to violence", as one of my friends suggested of anyone who moves on quickly from such a day, but I will do it for my child. At four years old my daughter has no need to know what happened today. And so I will go thru the next few days as if nothing happened, as if nothing is wrong, as if my mind weren't wandering to that horrific incident time and time again. I will hold back the tears as best I can. I will be forever grateful for my daughter.

And should she overhear anything, from anyone, about what happened, I pray that God would give me the words.

****************************

Dear God,

Lord, we come to You today and ask that You be with the people of Newtown. We ask that You comfort all those directly and indirectly involved with the shooting. We don't understand why these things happen, nor how anyone could ever be comforted in such tragedy, but we do trust in You to do the impossible. Hold them close in their time of need.
Lord I also ask that You guide all of our minds, especially those in law enforcement and education, to find in this a way to protect our children in the future. Let this be used as a learning experience, let some tiny bit of good come from this.
Father, there are not enough words, not the right words, to express what we are all feeling, even thinking. But You know our minds and our hearts. Hear our unspoken.

Amen

You Can't Claim to be Both

One of my friends, who happens to be a SAHM, posts regularly on Facebook about how she does work, she raises her kids, takes care of her house, etc. It is work. She's tired of people saying she doesn't work, SAHMs do work, blah, blah, blah.

Maybe she's getting some flak from someone in her life about not having a paying job. I don't know. I've never heard anyone say anything to her. I've never seen anyone post anything but supportive things in response to her rants. But I'm not around every moment of every day.

Maybe she's feeling guilty about not having a paying job, and is dealing with some of her own internal issues.

I don't know.

What I do know is that she also regularly posts about where she took the kids that day, how they visited her mom, how she took them to have lunch with her husband, how they went to the park.

And this morning's status really got to me, on a personal level: she posted about how cuddling with her kids after breakfast is the best part of her day.

That's awesome. It really is. I think it's great that you have time to cuddle with your kids after breakfast. I think it's awesome that you get to take your kids to the park in the middle of the day & stay as long as you like. I think it's fantastic that you get to visit your mom whenever you feel like it, or have lunch with their dad once a week. I really do think it's great.

I also acknowledge the fact that she (and other SAHMs) work really, really hard to raise their kids, take care of their homes, etc, etc, etc. It is real work. Please don't take anything I say to mean otherwise. It is work. I acknowledge that, and respect the work that SAHMs do.

But the fact is that you do stay at home (hence the term SAHM).
The fact is that you do not have a job that provides income for your family.
The fact is that it is distinctly because of these two things that you have the honor & privilege of enjoying cuddling with your kids as long as you like after breakfast, taking them to the park in the middle of the day  & staying as long as their hearts desire, or visiting your mom for a chat.

There's a reason I take these statements personally.

I take it personally because almost daily my daughter asks me to cuddle in the mornings, and I have to either tell her 'no', or tell her 'only for a few minutes', and then watch the clock like a hawk... because I have a job to get to and don't have the luxury of enjoying extended cuddle time every morning.
I take it personally because today my daughter asked if I could take her to the park after work tonight, and I'm trying to figure out how we can squeeze it in, because I already know I need to stay a bit late at my job tonight, and we're running out of food, so I need to go grocery shopping, so I'm afraid working in a trip to the park probably isn't in the cards at all, and if so, only for a quick 15-20 minutes... because I have a job that takes up the majority of my day.
I take it personally because I adore when I get to visit my parents with my daughter, but those visits are maybe once a month, almost always at the end of a work day, so we don't get much relaxed time to chat... because I have a job that has taken up the beginning of my day.

I take it personally because I can't take my daughter to lunch, we've tried it, because she has too hard of a time saying good-bye to me again in the middle of the day... because I have a job to get back to.

You may think that being called a SAHM is somehow an insult, is somehow a sneaky way of saying that you "don't work", but it's not. It's a way to acknowledge the amazing life that you are honored to lead. Stop selling yourself short by trying to justify your existence.

Stop devaluing the time you are privileged enough to get to spend with your family by insisting on getting credit as a "working" mom.

And stop devaluing my contributions to my family by insisting that you're a working mom too.

Because you're not.
Just as I don't know the challenges of being a SAHM, and would never try to claim to, it's time to admit that you don't know the challenges of being a working mom, so stop trying to claim that too. Either you're a SAHM, or you're not. The lives of SAHMs and Working Moms are distinctly different. You can't claim to be both.

Baby Blues, I Told Myself

I remember it like it was yesterday today. I can see you. Each of you.

I know that doesn't make sense, because you came on different days, but it's true.

You came to our home, to help us welcome Jena into our family, to bring us dinner, and to see how we were doing.

I have no idea how I seemed to you at the time.

Maybe I seemed fine. Maybe I seemed off.

I felt off. I felt like a stranger in my own house, lost in my own skin.

I remember not knowing what to do, what to say, feeling awkward.

So many details came flooding back today. Details, details, details.

Mary* was the first to visit. You were wearing a black shirt & jeans. Your dark hair pulled back neatly. You brought tomato soup from Panera. Picked up on your way home from work. Yours & your husband's favorite. And "not too spicy" you said. You peeked in on Jena, who was sleeping in her pack-n-play in the living room. You had Victoria with you, in her carrier, born just a few months earlier. Adorable as ever.

Next was Betsy. You were wearing a striped sweater & jeans, Ugg-style boots, adorable hat to match. You brought your girls with you, dressed to match you. You brought us ready-to-cook enchilada's in a clear baking pan. Peeked quickly in on Jena, and left. I sensed that you were trying hard not to intrude.

Isabel was next, with her boyfriend. You guys brought a KFC family dinner, and ate with us. You were wearing a black button down shirt, untucked, and jeans.

You probably sensed that something was off. Our conversation was good, but there was a moment when I drifted off, staring into space. What you may not have realized is I was trying to focus myself, trying to keep from crying. I don't know why.
I finally excused myself to go to the bathroom. Which I did. And cried on the toilet. And couldn't pull myself together. I heard you get up to leave, so I took a deep breath, blew my nose, composed myself just long enough to come out & wave good-bye from the front porch.
Then I went back inside and felt like crap for the rest of the night. For no real reason at all.

And then there was Lori. She stopped by with her kids on her way back home from the zoo. They'd had a good day, but said it was really super crowded. She & I chatted while the kids & her husband seemed bored. They didn't stay long. After all, I probably seemed bored too. Kept zoning out.

Baby blues, I told myself.

At that point, I hadn't yet been told to go to my doctor. I hadn't yet been told I had Post Partum Depression. I hadn't yet realized how very sick I was.

At that point, I felt a little bit of nothing about you coming to visit.

Somewhere along the way, I realized how much I appreciated those visits. I really did do. I still do. Four years later.

Somewhere along the way, I realized that each of you were moms yourself. So maybe you get it.

Somewhere along the way, I realized that those short little visits are an expression of love, a showing of care & concern for another human being.

Somewhere along the way, I had completely forgotten about them.

Today, they came back to me in a flash, in an instant, vivid, detailed, as if each of them had just happened moments earlier. There was no specific trigger, nothing happened, nothing was said to cause me to think of them. They just appeared instantaneously.

Jena's birthday is approaching.

PTSD is rearing it's ugly head.

This flashback, while it seems lovely, reminds me of how dead I was inside, how just awful I felt.

I cried a little today.

I'm sure it won't be the last flashback I have in the next few weeks.

Welcome back, PTSD. Let's try to keep the traumatic flashbacks to a minimum this year, 'kay? I'd really love to go thru just one of my daughter's birthdays without having a complete meltdown. Can we make it her 4th? Please?

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* as always, names changed to protect privacy

Drugs Kill

Drugs.

It's crazy how much my family & I have been affected by drug use.

And no, not the good needed-for-medical-problems kind.

I have had three relatives killed by drug overdose (2 by ODing on illegal drugs, one an accidental OD of prescription medication).

I have 2 other relatives who have been thru alchohol abuse programs.

The father of a close friend has struggled with drug addiction for 30+ years.

The husband of another friend has been struggling with drug addiction for around 10 years.

Two of my nephews, both less than 25 years old, are struggling with drug addiction.

One of my ex-boyfriends was a recovering alcoholic & recovering narcotics addict (16 yrs clean when we dated).

And that doesn't come close to counting those that I personally know or have suspected of abusing illegal or prescription drugs.

There's not really a point to this post, just to say that the drug problem in our country is very real. It damages people, families, relationships. It kills.

Let me say that again:

Drugs kill.

So, just don't do it. Don't start. Don't take one hit because you think you won't be the one who becomes addicted. Don't share prescription meds because you think they're harmless.

No drug is harmless.

Not illegal, not prescription, not even over-the-counter. They all have differing levels of risk.

Don't take any medication that isn't yours.

Don't give away or sell any of your medication.

Read labels. Talk to your doctor or pharmacist if you have any questions or concerns.

If you're struggling with addiction, seek help. See below for a list of places that can help.

Take care of yourself. Please.

NarcAnon

Teen Challenge

Addiction Tribe

National Institute on Drug Abuse

As always, thanks for checking in

Fifty Shades of KyFireWife

1. What is your best friend's Mom's name?  Delores

2. Where is the weirdest place you have a mole?  I used to have this very sexy (I thought) heart-shaped mole in a very sexy area. Then I had a kid. Now it's just a weird blotchy shape and not attractive at all   :/

3. Who was the hottest teacher you ever had?  The last teacher I ever recall having a crush on was my elementary school gym teacher. And his name currently escapes me.

4. Have you ever made out in a movie theater? Yes. Several times.

5. What body part do you wash first?  Hair. Always hair.

6. Do you hover over the toilet in public bathrooms? No.

7. What's the strangest talent you have?  I don't know if this qualifies as a talent or not (probably not), but I can squish my nose into my face. I was in middle school before I realized that not everyone could do this. Apparently my cartilige is very soft and bendy.

8. Do you have an innie or an outtie?  I have an innie.

9. What's your favorite flavored Pringles? Sour Cream & Onion

10. Have you ever been tied up?  Yes.

11. What was the last thing you ever got grounded for? The one and only time I was ever grounded was for telling the truth. Seriously. My dad accused me of lying and grounded me for lying, but I really was telling the truth. So... basically I got grounded for telling the truth & standing my ground about it.

12. Do you parallel park or drive around the block? Drive around as much as I can until I find an easier spot. Growing up in the country, there aren't many reasons to parallel park, so I haven't had much practice. I can do it. It just takes me 4 or 5 tries. And then I get embarrassed. So... I avoid it.

13. Have you ever had two dates in one night?  No

14. How many times have you been cussed out?  Maybe once?

15. Which shoe do you put on first?  Left. When I first started marching band I had a really hard time remembering to start on my left foot. So I started doing everything left-first so it would be drilled into my head subconsciously. It worked.

17. Have you ever been to a gay bar?  No. But my sister & I used to do karaoke at what turned out to be a swingers bar. Does that count?

18. Girls  This is not a question.  Just want to have fun.

19. Is there one thing all of your love interests have had in common? They were all men? I dated each of them in my 20s? Seriously, though, not that I can think of. I've had 4 boyfriends in my day, 2 of those serious. All 4 of them different as snowflakes. Although both of my serious relationships (one of those being the hubs), have the same first name.

20. Did you French kiss before you were 16? No. Not until college. And not even my first year.

21. Have you ever been cow-tipping or snipe-hunting?  No.

22. Who is the last person you usually think about before you fall asleep?  Jena. Usually in a "I hope she's still breathing" sorta way. That's totally normal for a mom, right?

23. Have you ever had a poem or a song written about you? Not that I recall.

24. If you had to choose to not ever wash your bed sheets again or not wash your bath towel ever again, which would you rather not wash?  bath towel. I'm using it when I'm clean anyway, right?

25. Have you ever found anything in your parents' bedroom that was questionable? Once. But that's really personal. So I'm not telling. Also, ends up it wasn't what it seemed anyway.

26. What was your childhood nickname? Didn't have a nickname until college, and then it's just a variation on my first name.

27. When is the last time you played the air guitar?  Probably within the past few weeks. Jena is in a rock-n-roll phase.

28. Have you ever peeked in the opposite sexes locker room?  No. I'm not much of a peeker. More of a walk-right-in-er. It's not that exciting.

29. What's the weirdest thing you have done while driving?  Made a bottle for Jena. Not my finest driving, or probably parenting moment. But at the time it seemed perfectly logical.

30. Have you ever bitten your toenails?  Yes.

31. How do you eat your cookie? This question needs more details. I mean, Oreos have a way different answer than chocolate chip, which have a different answer than sugar cookies.

32. When working out at the gym, do you wear a belt? This question involves 2 things I don't do: work out at the gym, and wear belts.

33. Name something you do when you're alone that you wouldn't do in front of others. I conduct to the music. In my head.

36. How many drinks does it take before you get drunk? Despite my relatively little drinking experience, it ends up I have a high tolerance for alcohol. That's the long way of saying: I don't know.

37. Have you ever sniffed an animal's butt? Not that I recall.

38. How often do you clean out your ears? Every day. Except when I run out of cotton swabs. Like now. It's driving me crazy.

39. Do you scrunch or fold your toilet paper? Fold. Three squares. Five if it's #2. Wait, this question confuses me. There are people who don't fold? Or count their TP squares? What? I'm confused...

40. About how many times a day do you pick a wedgie?  None if I'm lucky. Every time it's uncomfortable if I'm not.

41. Do you have any strange phobias? Well, my hubs thinks my fear of clowns is weird.

42. Have you ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? Not that I recall

43. What is the stupidest thing you've ever done at a bar? Besides karaoke?

44. Have you ever been dared to do something you totally regretted?  No. Because I was the nerdy responsible one who just wouldn't do it.

45. Have you ever called your love interest by an ex's name? See #19.

46. Have you caught a guy/girl farting while on a date? I'm sure I have. But I also don't really care, so...

47. Have you ever played naked Twister? Not that I recall. I have played Body Parts. That was a fun game...

48. Have you ever been drunk at work? Um, no.

49. Have you ever found your date's/lover's brother or sister more attractive? Nope.

50. Do you want to bring sexy back? I didn't know sexy was gone. I mean, I look in the mirror, and there it is

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this post inspired by this post

So What Have I Been Up To?

You heard about Jason, you  heard about Jena, so what about me?

Wel, I'm leading a couple of large projects at work, which have me working more-than-usual hours.

I started volunteering in the church nursery. It was supposed to be just one service a month, but with everyone taking all kinds of vacations, they've been short-handed, so it's really been at least 2 services a month so far.

Our family has joined a small group at our church. It's only supposed to last thru the Summer, and is a "strictly social" group. Basically instead of meeting to do Bible study, or other development, we meet to hang out & build relationships. Considering I have a hard time meeting people & making friends, it has been a God-send (no pun intended). I still have a bit of anxiety every. single. time. we meet, but am starting to make connections with some of the other folks in the group. And it's really great because most of the people in this group are roughly our age, and several of them have kids around Jena's age.

ThirtyOne. I had an open house to clear out some of my inventory & make room for newer products, offering cash-n-carry items at a steep discount, and a small discount off of catalog orders. Attendance was as good as any party, plus I've had several requests to have more! Everyone likes a discount I suppose! And I do still have inventory I'd like to update, so I guess I'll probably have another. I also had my first person to sign up as a consultant under me. That has me a little more energized about this endeavour than I had been, as I really want her to do well & want to be there for her.

Extended family. Well, drama has finally calmed down (knock on wood), and we are all settling in to the new 'normal'. After my father-in-law's passing, followed shortly by my nephew's overdose, things have been all kinds of crazy. So now we're making up for it. Picnics, weekend getaways, vacations, date nights, family dinners... making up for lost time. Well worth it, and much needed.

As much as I love the distraction, and as much as so much of our busyness is because of wonderful good things, I'm also distracted by how jam-packed our schedule has become. As I was reviewing our calendar last night I realized we are basically booked from now thru December. No lie.

I suppose that's it in a nutshell for me. As always, thanks for checking in!

Blessings

Physical Blessings:

1) No serious medical issues yet this year
2) My back is stable (not worsening)
3) Jason is healthy & strong as ever
4) Jena is healthy & growing well
5) All the pets are relatively healthy


Financial Blessings:

1) We can feed & clothe our family, and pay our mortgage
2) We have good benefits, including affordable health coverage
3)  Our car is almost paid off
4) We are on target to be debt free (excepting the house) within 2 years max
5) We can afford a few extras


Mental Blessings

1) My issues with depression & anxiety appear to be (mostly) over
2) So far I see no signs that my PPD will lead into Clinical Depression
3) My job is providing me with enough challenges to stretch me, but not enough to stress me
4) Jena has tested above her age group in all developmental milestones
5) I haven't had writer's block in months


Spiritual Blessings

1) Mine & my husband's salvation
2) So many answered prayers & visible miracles
3) Continued growth in the Lord
4) Finding my "fit" in our church home
5) Spiritual battles won


Answered Prayer

1) TheBoy's miraculous recovery
2) Continued growth & healing in our marriage
3) Promises fulfilled
4) Safety for Jason on the job
5) Unspoken


Today's Blessings

1) We all woke up this morning (and healthy too!)
2) We both have jobs to go to
3) My parents watching Jena
4) We can talk during the day
5) Phone call from a friend

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this post inspired by this post

Trip to the Zoo

Had an awesome time taking some friends from California to the Cincinnati Zoo!

Quick Note to My Readers / Bloggy Friends

I am still trying to get back in the swing of things following all my family drama.

I am finally reading blogs on a regular basis again, on my lunch break as usual.
However... for some reason my work's internet security is now blocking a few of the blogs I follow. So if you don't hear from me, that's why    :(

I am very much behind in reading  / responding to comments left on my posts. And emails. Sorry. I'm working on it. But I promise I haven't forgotten you and I am most definitely not ignoring you.

I've noticed I've picked up a few new readers lately. Maybe you stopped by for one post. Maybe you hung around. Whatever the case is, welcome.
If you commented or sent me an email, I'll get to it, I promise.
I also like to check out the blogs of my readers, so that's on my list as well.

Mostly I guess the point of this post is to make sure you know that I do appreciate all of my bloggy friends, even if I'm a little behind on my end of the game right now.

I always liked you guys, but the past few weeks have shown me how very awesome you are.

Thank you.

When I Knew I Wanted to Marry Jason

When Jason & I started dating, I was a bit gun-shy.

I had been in three previous relationships, and in each of them the guy had brought up marriage first, only to break up with me later.

I didn't trust it. I had spent so much time in each of those (especially in the first - four years with my college sweetheart) dreaming of being married, looking wistfully at wedding magazines, and in two of them - even looking at engagement rings.

I had been burned bad. And I didn't want to even think about marriage, weddings, or proposals.

Oh, I wanted to be married, for sure. I just had been hurt so badly before I didn't allow my mind to go there. Not really.

But one day, about three months after we started dating, I was staying at Jason's house while he went diving with his buddies (at this point I don't remember why I was staying there, but I was). I was sitting on the couch, surfing the internet and came across one of my friends' pages on theKnot. I read it, looked at her stuff, blah, blah, blah, and then wandered thru the site.

Before I knew it, I realized I had been daydreaming about my wedding... our wedding.

And I smiled. Because it didn't scare me at all.

Not even the slightest hint of anxiety. None.

And that, is when I knew.