FireMan - what's he been doing anyway?

Just a quick little update on Jason.

He's doing well. Still adjusting to life without his dad, which is difficult.

As you may (or may not) recall, he is a full time firefighter, working 24/48 (24 hours on, 48 hours off).
Like many firefighters in our area, the pay doesn't quite cut it, so he also works a 2nd job maintaining & repairing fire trucks at the fire house.
On top of that, he has his own business maintaining, repairing, and otherwise working on emergency vehicles (fire trucks, ambulances, security vehicles, etc).

While his business is doing well, he's hit a bump at his second job where not only is he no longer satisfied with the work, but the fact that they pay is roughly half what he can make elsewhere... let's just say he's a little burnt out.

So he's been looking for income elsewhere, and hasn't worked any hours at his second job in nearly 2 months. Odd jobs, fixing up & selling cars, fixing up & selling lawnmowers... really, whatever.

So far (the past 2 months) he's managed to bring in pretty close to what he would have made at his second job.

I know he's not happy there any longer, and have actually encouraged him to go ahead & quit. As long as the income is similar, I'm okay with that.

He's been fairly active with the local (volunteer) water rescue team this summer, primarily by performing boat patrols along the river. He's always enjoyed boat patrol, and even moreso this year, as he is now a boat operator, having completed the training / testing at the end of last season.

New this year, he recently began volunteering with the media team at our church. He's primarily been working as a camera operator during the services, filming the preaching for later broadcast on the internet. I'm really proud of him!

Around the house he's kept busy with a never-ending list of projects. Lately these are: cutting up the hickory tree that was felled in our last big storm (yay free firewood!), finally building the dogs a real doghouse (as opposed to the functional, yet ugly, one we created from home renovation scraps), and landscaping the front of the house (untouched since we'd moved in).

Between work, volunteering, home projects, and family, he's definitely keeping busy.

Which is good because:
    a) he's never happy if he's bored
    b) it keeps him out of trouble

So that's a quick update on my FireMan. As always, thanks for checking in!

I am a Fire Wife. It's my Life Too.

So many fellow fire wives have already written about this. Heck, maybe I already have and just don't remember.

So the question / issue is: why do I identify myself by my husband's occupation?

I mean, it's not like the wives of my co-workers go around calling themselves "engineer wife", or my mom ever called herself a "machinist wife", or later a "bus driver wife".

Nope.

The phenomenon seems almost exclusively limited to rescue and military wives. Fire wives. Police wives. Army wives.

I am a fire wife. Why? Because it's my life too.

When we were dating, Jason was a volunteer firefighter, and a volunteer rescue & recovery diver with the local water rescue team. And that in & of itself creates a level of acceptance and... difference... between your life, even when you are dating, that just isn't "normal"*

* I personally hate the word "normal", but I struggled to find a better word, and I know ya'll know what I mean

Getting paged in the middle of the night, in the middle of our date, was just part of life.

When he applied for, and got offered the job of full-time firefighter (the same position he is in now), and we knew our relationship was headed toward marriage, he respected our relationship enough to sit down with me for "the talk".

I accepted his new position. I was happy for him. I accepted what this would mean for our life together, even if I didn't fully comprehend it. Yet.

The fact is, when he became a full-time firefighter and we moved in together, my life changed too.

No more would my significant other be available every weekend. He would be free every third weekend. And due to Murphy's Law it was likely that Water Rescue would often want him on that weekend.

No more would my significant other be guaranteed to be off every national holiday. In fact, every third year he was guaranteed to work most of them. For all 24 hours, not just the first eight.
My husband would miss Christmases, anniversaries, birthdays.

Near the end of my pregnancy, when I was put on modified bedrest, I would need a backup (my mom) who could stay with me when he was on shift. Because he wasn't just gone during the day. He'd be gone overnight till the next day.

I learn to do things myself, to wrangle the house and a preschooler, and handle things solo. It's what I do.

I am a fire wife.

I attend family events alone. I attend work events alone.

My girlfriends don't understand that just because they schedule a night out during the evening or on a weekend doesn't mean that my husband will be available to watch Jena so I can come. In fact, that darn Murphy's Law means that most likely he'll be on shift that very night.

It means that at least a third of the nights* when I come home from work, and a third of the weekends, no, I do not have my spouse to help me with my daughter, help me make dinner, complete household chores, or heck just be there with me. It's just me and her.

* and that doesn't count the extra shifts, the mandatory doubles, the phone calls (like the one I just got) telling me he'll have to stay longer than planned

I am a fire wife.

It also means that the firehouse is as much a second home to myself and Jena as it is to Jason.

It means a wonderful community of people who get you, even when you don't get yourself.

It means knowing my husband's schedule, for the next five years. Even if it does suck.

It means he can take one day off, and actually get five days off (from the fire dept, not including his 2nd job or his business).

It means my husband has learned how to cook for 20+ people, and is actually a better cook than I am (not saying much, but still...).

It means seeing my husband fulfill his dreams, and knowing that I'm a big part of what made that happen.

I am a fire wife.

Yes, it's tough. A lot Most of the time. But there are a lot of good things about it too.

So you see, I call myself a FireWife because it's not just his life, it's my life too.

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this post inspired by my own life, but actually writing it down triggered by reading posts such as this

Rough Waters

On our wedding day, as we rode the rescue boat down the Ohio River to our ceremony location, we encountered some rough waters.

The water got rather choppy, the ride was rough. There were even white caps on the river. Which is signifcant, when you're talking as small of a channel as we were in.

It got pretty rough.

The captain discussed the problem. If the waters stayed this rough, in order to keep the boat perpendicular to shore during the ceremony, he would have to run the engines throughout the ceremony, creating unpleasant noise, and possibly drowining out the preacher's voice.

But... there would be no way around it. If the waters stayed rough.

Seeing as how it was our wedding day, once we began our entrance, I forgot all about it, lost in the moment.

So the story goes, told to us later by the captain, and confirmed by the rest of the crew:

the moment he made the 90 degree turn to come into shore... the waters calmed

Mystically, magically... they calmed in an instant.

The waters stayed calm throughout our ceremony. The boat stayed perfectly still. There was no need to run the engines.

The captain was amazed. He insisted it was like a miracle, for the waters which had been so rough, to calm so suddenly.

And he has the decades of experience on the Ohio River to know what's a miracle on those waters and what is not.

The memory of that detail, long forgotten, came back to me a few nights ago.

I was thinking about my life, about the turmoil I have felt for so long. And I realized that... it doesn't matter how much I run the engines, the performance won't be just right until the waters calm. And while I may have control of the boat, I don't have control of the waters.

There's only One Who does.

I still have a duty to run my engines the best I can, to steer my boat the best I can, to make my performance as captain the best it can be... but I need to realize that I'm doing so within the environment of the water. And rough, or calm, I have no control over the water.

There is only One who can calm the water. Only One who can still the waves.

I have been trying too hard, doing too much, in fruitless effort.

Because I am not relying on Him enough.

I still have a duty to captain my vessel... but I must let go of the water.

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will not we fear...Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled,...Be still, and know that I am God:...Selah."  -- Psalm 46:1-2a,3a, 10a, 11c

Why I blog

I don't really remember why I started blogging. I think I just thought it would be a way to write down my thoughts.

But now... now I know why I blog.

I blog because you read me. You read what I write. Sometimes you comment on it. But mostly, you read it.

I mean, I still enjoy writing my thoughts down. Writing is enjoyable to me. But would I have kept up my blog for as long as I have without my readers? Probably not.

You think what I have to say is worth reading, worth paying attention to. That... is crazy to me.

My readership keeps growing, and I now get more hits per month than I ever though possible. Oh, I know it's not a lot compared to some of the big time bloggers, but it's a lot to me.

Honestly, even if only half of those who hit on my blog stay to actually read it, that's still a a lot. To me.

And it means a lot. To me.

See, if I'm being honest, I don't really feel heard in my "real" life.

Being the only administrative person in my entire division at work, an engineering division, I pretty much work alone, quietly in my cubicle in a corner of the office.
Oh, I keep the place running. I have a reputation for "knowing everything" and being able to "do anything", which is nice, but it's a rare occasion when anyone actually stops and talks to me. Really talks to me.

You see, not only do the rest of them work on engineering projects together, they travel together. And if you've ever travelled with others, that tends to build a rapport in & of itself. So they are all pretty tight-knit, travelling together, working on projects together.

And while they go out to various locations world wide, I stay here at my desk in Kentucky, by myself, plugging away at my tasks, keeping the office running.

And I used to be on water rescue. But after over two years of repeatedly (as in, at every detail) telling the officers that I was willing to do whatever they needed, just tell me what to do, I'm good at taking orders... after two years, I could still barely tie up a boat. They overlooked me in favor of... just about anyone else, it seemed.

When I got pregnant I settled into a more administrative role, or so I thought. Met with some of the officers, took meticulous notes about what they wanted me to accomplish. And did so. Or so I thought.
Was told that I hadn't done anything they'd asked. Reviewed my notes, and tried to show them that I'd done everything they'd asked. But they wouldn't listen.
I'm confident that I did what they had asked of me, and done it very well. Why? Because it was the same sort of things I do at work, which by all accounts, I do very well. Not to toot my own horn, but the phrase "walk on water" has been used in my reviews more than once. People may not talk to me, but I'm darn good at what I do.

It was almost as if they had it in their head from the beginning that I was useless to them, and so just never even heard me, wrote me off from the beginning.

Until I finally left.

And yes, even my beloved FireMan. He does this... thing. I will tell him something, or suggest something to him. And he'll either have very little reaction, or maybe a negative reaction. And then a few days will go by, or a week, or even two, and he'll be telling me about his day at the firehouse, and he'll say, "So-and-so said _______ " and he'll repeat the exact same thing I had told him previously!

And he says it in this tone of voice that says it's the very first time he's heard it, as if it's a very interesting tidbit of information (whereas I got very little reaction), or a positively accepted piece of advice (whereas I got a negative reaction).

You know why he acts as though it's the very first time he's heard it?

Because it is.

Because he doesn't even hear me.

No one does, I sometimes think.

But you do, my lovely blog readers. You read me, you hear me.

And sometimes, when my (pitiful) little self feels like no one hears her, she comes on here and checks her stats. And feels just a wee bit better about herself.

Because someone hears her.

Never Marry an Amazing Man

It comes with too many expectations that you will be amazing too.

FireMan is amazing. He really is. He is hard-working, generous, and will do anything for anybody.

I mean, c'mon... the man is a firefighter. His chosen profession is to run into burning buildings to save other people. He took a significant pay cut to put his life in danger to help others.

He's that guy.

He's incredible.

He also volunteers with the local water rescue as a rescue & recovery diver and EMT. And he's great at it. In fact, I contend that if you ever (God forbid) need someone to recover a corpse from a body of water, FireMan's your guy. He's the best at it.

Yes, it's a weird thing to be the best at, but he is. And him, again putting himself in danger, to recover a loved one so that a family can gain closure... well,  how awesome is that?

And then we started volunteering as divers for the Zoo. I stopped, because I didn't feel like I had the time, but he's continued.

And he tried out for Ski Patrol this past winter. And although he didn't make it this time around (it was kinda last minute and he did it on a whim), I have a feeling that's not the last we've heard of it.

Friends and family know FireMan as the type of guy that they can call whenever they need him. Car breaks down? Call FireMan. Sick and need help? Call FireMan. Need help with something on your house? Call FireMan.

He is reliable, dependable, great at what he does, generous, and always willing to help.

It's one of the things that attracted me to him to begin with.



Don't ever marry an amazing man.





Why? Because you're expected to be just as amazing. People who don't know me assume that I'm an EMT or firefighter. And they're surprised, and seemingly somewhat disappointed, to learn that I don't currently volunteer anywhere.

And when "they" need your husband? You're expected to just give him up, no questions asked, no complaints. Keep your mouth closed, and smile graciously, relishing in the knowledge that your husband is serving others.

Even if you had plans.

Even if you had something you wanted or needed done around the house.

Even if your daughter is asking for him.

Even if you're just lonely and missing him.

If you marry an amazing man, you're expected to be amazing too. You can't just be the normal wife, nagging because her husband worked late.

After all, he's not just working, he's helping others.

It's a lot of pressure.

And when it boils over, and you tell your husband you need him to cut back so he can be home more, you actually end up feeling bad, feeling guilty.

You feel guilty for wanting to be with your own husband.

Because it's not like he's out at the bar or the strip club. He's out helping others.

And you asking him to cut down on doing that "just" to be with you? Well, that seems... selfish.

Because as the wife of an amazing man, you're supposed to be amazing too. You're supposed to generously & supportively give up your husband, quietly live the life of the single mom all the nights that he's gone, and do what you need to do so that he can do what he does best... help others.

Even when you don't want to. Even when you're tired. Or sick.

Or lonely and just want your husband back.

Or just want someone else to help with your child that night.

Or just don't know what to say anymore when your daughter asks where daddy is this time.

Or just want your husband back.

That is your sacrifice, your generosity, your amazingness - supporting him and willingly & happily going without him so that he can help others.

When he is amazing, when he is generous, helpful, hard-working, and will do anything for anybody...

You have to be amazing too. You don't really get a choice here.

You have to be generous, and supportive of him - because he's amazing.

And to be anything less would be seen as selfish.



So, my advice to all you single ladies?

Never marry an amazing man.

Friday Fragments

I really want my own laptop. Jason always takes "his" to work, and then when he's home we're busy so I rarely get to use it.

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We really need a good, full-length mirror at home.

I saw myself at work around 10am and realized I look rough. It ain't pretty.

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I have a good "guess-what-this-is" picture, and I've been thinking of doing a giveaway on my blog (nothing too fancy, I'll be paying for it out of my own pocket), so I'm thinking of combining the two. We'll see.

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Two months ago I had all these plans for how I was gonna update my blog appearance. I got very little done. Need. To. Do. It.

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I'm really tired of our house not being finished. This renovation is dragging out way too long. It's unsettling to live in a place that's unsettled.

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But the good news is that the renovation has been slow-going because Jason got really busy at things that pay money. So... it's a good thing. Just ready for this house to be DONE.

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I can't wait to start scheduling our vacation(s) for the year, but am in a circling pattern waiting for some news re: family before we put anything on the calendar.
We love to travel, and I'm getting the itch to get outta here.

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FDIC is coming up in a few weeks. We've gone together, just the two of us, every year since we were dating. It's our thing.
But this year a Water Rescue committee is going, and Jason happens to be on that committee, so he's kinda obligated to go with them.
Which either means that I don't go at all, or I go & maybe take Jena and we might be lucky to see Jason for a few minutes during the day.
Can't decide which is a better choice.
But have to decide soon.

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Our Corolla is about to hit 200,000 miles, and is starting to have some issues. Nothing major, but we'd rather be proactive than end up stuck when it dies. So we're starting to look at getting a new (or new-to-us) car. The shopping part is exciting, but the idea of adding another car payment isn't.

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Have a great weekend.

Disappointing Day

Today is the only day this week that we could have together as a family. FireMan worked yesterday, getting off at 7:30am this morning. I work tomorrow. So today is it.

I bought cinnamon rolls so we could enjoy a favorite breakfast together. I took my shower last night, so I would have time to curl my hair for him today. We planned to go to church together. We talked about going to Lowe's together to look at stuff for the new house. I was so excited to have this day together as a family, all three of us.

All day yesterday, FireGirl kept asking for Dadda. I told her that when she went to bed, if she slept the whole night, then Daddy would be here when she woke up, and he was spending the whole day with us. She would giggle, say "Yep!" and clap.

Apparently, I lied.

At 8:11am FireMan calls to tell me he's not coming home. Water rescue sent out a page, they need divers because somebody might have drowned. He's not even stopping by the house.

I. Am. Pissed.

I saw the news story on television. And I saw that there were more than enough water rescue personnel there. So I'm not buying the "nobody-showed-up-and-they-really-needed-me bit"

So, a little background for you. I work Monday - Friday. With his odd shifts, this means that we might get one day together as a family, on the weekends. The past couple of months he has decided that on that one day home he would rather go on boat patrol with water rescue than spend the day with his family.

Including last weekend. So after convincing me to reschedule our moving sale to last Saturday, he then signs up for boat patrol on the same day, leaving me to work it by myself. Luckily his parents were there most of the day because they were selling things, and my mom came at the end of the day to help me out. But that's beside the point.

We already have very limited time together as a family, and he keeps voluntarily doing other things on those days.

I feel lonely, and rejected. I feel like he would rather be anywhere than home with his wife & daughter. I feel that way because his actions have repeatedly told us that it's the truth.

You know, when I was single, I never understood the phrase "lonely wife". How could that be, I thought?

I get it now. "Lonely Wife". Yep. That's me.

Lonely wife. Rejected by her own husband.

You know, when I was single, I prayed that God would send me someone who adored me, someone who chose me above all others, someone who had eyes only for me.

I got married. But no one adores me. No one chooses me above all others. No one has eyes only for me.

My daughter is the closest. But as she gets older & older, that will get less & less. It's part of growing up, and it's bound to happen.

I'm sad.

Tucker got out!

Tucker got out the other night. And it terrified me.

I came home around 9pm, and walked in the door with my arms full, and he snuck out between my legs. By the time I put Jena down and turned around, he was in the neighbor's yard, being chased by the neighborhood cat. I went out and tried to get him. They were on the verge of fighting. The neighborhood cat didn't see me and I snuck on him and stomped on the ground next to his head, thinking he would run off & I could grab Tucker & take him home.

Nope.

Oh, the neighborhood cat ran. But Tucker also ran, in the opposite direction. I followed him into the next yard, but he kept going. And Jena was in the house alone so I couldn't go any further.

I called Jason, who was at a water rescue meeting. So when he came home he drove around the neighborhood  looking for Tucker. Then he walked around the neighborhood looking. No luck. He came in, and I took a turn, and walked the entire neighborhood looking for Tucker. No luck. I came home & sat on our porch thinking if I was quiet and Tucker saw me there he would come up to me.

Nope. After a few minutes I started crying.

This is my baby. My baby boy. I've had him for 4 1/2 years, after adopting him from the local shelter. And he's not been outside since. It's now 11:30pm, and there's not much more we can do. I'm scared to death for him, and try to console myself by reminding myself that he's really big, and he has all his claws so at least he can defend himself.

I go inside. We go to bed, me somewhat reluctantly. We're lying in bed, and I'm looking out the window, which faces the front of our house, mentally making a list of everything I'll need to do the next day if he's not back in the morning: contact the local shelter, contact the microchip company, make up some lost posters, post lost ads on CraigsList, Facebook, etc.

About a half an hour later, I still can't sleep, and I look up to see a little white head poke out from under our car.

It's him!

I jump out of bed, run down the hallway to the front door, and look out. He's looking at me, but still hiding under the car.

I open the door to go get him, and the minute the door opens he bounds across the yard & straight into the house!

I was so happy! So relieved.

And it was so cute. The first thing he did was go up & lick on Tess. So cute.

Ever since he's been extra cuddly & wanting extra attention. I was hoping that meant he learned his lesson, but he's also been running to the door anytime I go near it, like he wants to go out again.

Not if I can help it.

I'm just so thankful that he came back. And so soon!

So thankful. And so relieved.

Optimism Lost

I used to be so motivated, so passionate, so dedicated, so involved.

FireMan was telling me the other night about someone new on water rescue who just really jumped in with both feet and took over the administrative role. I was a little jealous. When I was on water rescue I had repeatedly offered to help with administrative tasks and was turned down or ignored by the officers. So I didn't do it. But this person just jumped in and did it. And everyone's wowing at how much better things are now.

What happened to me?

I can remember time after time in my life past when I jumped in with both feet, when I took the initiative, when I started projects. Some of the best times in my life, in fact. Did they all work out as I had hoped? Well, no. But I did it. I did something.

Just this past weekend, as I was packing, I came across some sheets from my time in college, where person after person exalted my leadership abilities. I doubt anyone would say that now.

What happened to me?

I could speculate all day about different incidents in my life that might have led to this change, but the bottom line is that somewhere along the way I lost my optimism. That really is the bottom line.

Dictionary.com defines "optimism" as: a disposition or tendency to look on the more favorable side of events or conditions and to expect the most favorable outcome.

And somewhere along the line I lost that. I no longer expect the best outcome. I hope for it, but I don't expect it. In fact, I kinda expect to get screwed. For things to fall apart. For projects to fail.

And if you expect things to get screwed up no matter how hard you try, then eventually you stop trying.

And so now, when I decide something is worth trying, I tend to do so tentatively.

And the fact of the matter is that life rarely responds to tentative efforts. Life responds best to enthusiastic balls-to-the-wall efforts.

Now the question is, can I change back?

My life experiences led to this change in how I view the world. So can I change it back? Or is it too late? Am I already too disillusioned?

Because I think, in this aspect anyway, I liked the old me better.

Boat Patrol last night

Last night Jason & I ran boat patrol for water rescue. It was a beautiful night to be on the River, and for the most part was a calm, relaxing boat ride. We had one broken down boat, dead in the water. We towed the boat to the nearest doc, then took the boaters (2 adults, one child, and 2 dogs) to the dock where they entered the water (about 10 nautical miles away), so they could get a ride. Didn't tow their boat the entire way because it's too hard on the rescue boat's engines.

Anyway, it was a great night for a boat ride, we did a good deed, and it made me nostalgic. Reminded me of our wedding. We got married on the rescue boat, the same one we were on last night. The picture above is actually from our wedding. Similar weather, same boat, on there with Jason. It was great.

He's actually out on the River for boat patrol again today. I'm at home hoping Jena will finally drift off to sleep (she's been fighting it for 45 min), and deciding how productive I want to be today.

Have a beautiful weekend!

Scuba Diving at Portage Quarry

This past weekend (Saturday & Sunday) FireMan & I went scuba diving at Portage Quarry in northern Ohio. Quite frankly, it is the nicest quarry I have ever been diving in.
The water was warm (as quarries go), great visibility, lots of things to see (including a Hansa jet), lots of fish (a must, for me), a well-maintained facility, price was reasonable, every staff member we came in contact with was very friendly, and the owner (Jeff) even came and talked with us a while.
It was just a wonderful experience.

We managed to get seven dives in in the course of two days. I am sore & tired, but had a great time. Had my best dive to date in the matter of buoyancy (I'm working on it!), and got some good time in the water.
We'll definitely be going back, probably next month. Message me if you're interested in joining!

Welcome!

Welcome to my blog! My intention is to share our life with you, as well as to pass along some (hopefully) helpful information.

As you might guess by the title, my husband is a full-time firefighter. If you are also a firefighter's wife, you understand that there are some unique challenges to this relationship.
He is also currently in Paramedic class, so add another challenge on there.

He & I also both believe in giving back to the community, and we volunteer together on our local water rescue team, and at the local zoo.

In addition to my husband, we have a beautiful baby girl. She is nine months old (already!), and I am cautiously navigating my way thru motherhood.

We are conservative Christians, and make no apologies for it. I'm sure that will come out in some of my future entries.

Thanks for visiting, and I hope you'll come back to check in with me again soon!