Disappointing Day

Today is the only day this week that we could have together as a family. FireMan worked yesterday, getting off at 7:30am this morning. I work tomorrow. So today is it.

I bought cinnamon rolls so we could enjoy a favorite breakfast together. I took my shower last night, so I would have time to curl my hair for him today. We planned to go to church together. We talked about going to Lowe's together to look at stuff for the new house. I was so excited to have this day together as a family, all three of us.

All day yesterday, FireGirl kept asking for Dadda. I told her that when she went to bed, if she slept the whole night, then Daddy would be here when she woke up, and he was spending the whole day with us. She would giggle, say "Yep!" and clap.

Apparently, I lied.

At 8:11am FireMan calls to tell me he's not coming home. Water rescue sent out a page, they need divers because somebody might have drowned. He's not even stopping by the house.

I. Am. Pissed.

I saw the news story on television. And I saw that there were more than enough water rescue personnel there. So I'm not buying the "nobody-showed-up-and-they-really-needed-me bit"

So, a little background for you. I work Monday - Friday. With his odd shifts, this means that we might get one day together as a family, on the weekends. The past couple of months he has decided that on that one day home he would rather go on boat patrol with water rescue than spend the day with his family.

Including last weekend. So after convincing me to reschedule our moving sale to last Saturday, he then signs up for boat patrol on the same day, leaving me to work it by myself. Luckily his parents were there most of the day because they were selling things, and my mom came at the end of the day to help me out. But that's beside the point.

We already have very limited time together as a family, and he keeps voluntarily doing other things on those days.

I feel lonely, and rejected. I feel like he would rather be anywhere than home with his wife & daughter. I feel that way because his actions have repeatedly told us that it's the truth.

You know, when I was single, I never understood the phrase "lonely wife". How could that be, I thought?

I get it now. "Lonely Wife". Yep. That's me.

Lonely wife. Rejected by her own husband.

You know, when I was single, I prayed that God would send me someone who adored me, someone who chose me above all others, someone who had eyes only for me.

I got married. But no one adores me. No one chooses me above all others. No one has eyes only for me.

My daughter is the closest. But as she gets older & older, that will get less & less. It's part of growing up, and it's bound to happen.

I'm sad.