Did you know underwriter = God?

I didn't. This is news to me. But apparently, that's how it rolls in the real estate universe.

I got an email yesterday from our loan officer, listing THIRTEEN stipulations that the underwriter demands we fulfill before she will approve us for closing. Oh, and we have to complete all of them by TOMORROW in order to close before our contract expires.

That's right. We've been going thru this process for six weeks, and we are given two days notice of thirteen additional hoops to jump thru.

I mean, it's not like this is the first list of requests we've gotten. And every time they've asked us for something, we have turned it around in record time. Our loan officer even commented on how timely we've been in responding to their requests.

But here we are. Contract on the house expires on Friday. And on Monday the underwriter gives us THIRTEEN things we have to do.

Here's the list, including comments on how I feel about them:

#1 - letter from mother-in-law saying it's okay to use the fund in the joint acct she has with FireMan - don't get me started. The fact that they have a joint account without my name on it is a whole separate issue. Letter signed last night.

#2 - 203K contractor agreement fully executed and with completion date for windows - would have liked to have gotten this contract sooner, but fine. Should be completed today.

#3 - 203K contractor agreement fully executed and with completion date for water line - would have liked to have gotten this contract sooner, as well as notice that we can't use the same contractor as for the windows sooner, but fine. Will be completed as soon as we can find someone to do the water line, since you have randomly decided you don't like our original contractor for this job

#4 - Acceptable roof inspection - must show at least three years life remaining on roof - ridiculous. We have a home inspection. House passes, including roof. Last week you ask for a separate roof inspection to address the "humps" the appraiser noted on her report. I specifically ask if we can use our home inspector and am told yes. Home inspector (bless his heart) came out same day, did a separate roof inspection addressing the "humps" issue. Now you're telling me we need a third roof inspection, according to your form to be done by a roofing specialist, and which specifically states the estimated life of the roof. Is there a reason you didn't tell us from the beginning that that specifically is what you required? Ridiculous. Roofer called. Will (hopefully) be completed today.

#5 - Deck needs to be repaired for safety issues - Passed home inspection. Passed appraisal. Underwriter decides, based on one picture that the appraiser took, that the "deck" is unsafe. Has never been to the home. The "deck" she called into question, isn't actually a deck at all, but a pile of debris, including a wooden pallet (the "deck"?) on the bottom. FireMan & I went to the house last night, spent two hours removing the debris, and took new pictures.

#6 - New bid from original contractor that just shows windows - underwriter decides that the contractor we have chosen to do the work, besides being licensed as a general contractor, she decides that he's only qualified to install our new windows. So now we need a new quote from home removing the other services we had planned on him providing (floor installation, door installation, rooms painted, and water line).

#7, #8, #9, #10 - New bid for water line from a separate licensed plumber, Copy of plumber's license, Plumber copy of liability insurance, Plumber resume with business name, address, & references - see, two weeks ago, you asked our contractor for a letter re: the water line. He sent you a letter explaining that he planned to subcontract to a licensed plumber, included the plumber's name & license number. Now you've decided that we can't subcontract, and instead expect us to find a separate licensed plumber, get a quote, and get all their info IN TWO DAYS.

#11 - Copy of permits - by the underwriter's own admission, no contractor in their right mind is going to pay for a permit until they for sure have the job. And she also admits that there's no way they will know for sure until after we close. So how are we supposed to turn in copies of permits if you actually admit that we can't get it?

#12 - Two additional paystubs for me - but not for FireMan. Seems kinda arbitrary, but fine.

#13 - original contractor resume with business name, address, references, etc. - so... I'm not familiar with contractor resumes or anything, but I'm staring at the one he originally submitted, and I'm can easily read his business name, address, and a list of references. So... not really understanding what more you want from him.

So there you go. T-minus 24 hours and counting to pull all this crap together.