2014 Recap

* I originally wrote this in January, but apparently never hit "publish", so here goes*

So a quick recap of 2014:

March:
- Jason's business kicked off it's 2nd season


April:
- my employer announced that it will be closing the Kentucky location within the next 3 years and all jobs will be relocated. Mine specifically is going to Michigan.

May:
- Miss Jillian was born
- Miss Jena graduated from Kindergarten
- my parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary

July:
- we made a decision regarding both my job and Jena's education

August:
- after more than 10 years with my employer, I resigned my position

September:
- we began homeschooling Jena

October:
- our family's first trip to Disney World
- a trip to Chicago

November:
- Jason expands his business to include Christmas light installation (residential & commercial)

December:
- holidays (need I say more)

Today has been hard

I was first awakened at 3:30am.

My husband woke me to kiss me goodbye at 6am as he headed off to work.

At 6:45am my youngest decided it was time to get up for breakfast. My oldest awoke at 7:15am.

By 7:30am the baby was going back down for a nap. Exhausted, I crawled back into bed, only for my other charge to interrupt my attempts at sleep roughly every 5 - 10 minutes with random requests for random stuff.

Baby woke up at 8:30am. Screaming. Not falling back to sleep. She's up.

So far today I have had baby food sneezed on me, I have had snot rubbed on my shoulder. I have stepped in spaghetti sauce and baby food and am not sure how either ended up on the floor.

I have listened to an infant cry and sob and scream for the better part of three hours no matter what I did. Is she getting sick? Is she teething? Growth spurt? All three? Who knows. All I know is she's miserable.

I have told my older daughter 'no' what seems like 50 times already today, because I have to meet the demands of the tiniest in the house, and I wish there were some way to express to her how much I hate telling her 'no' so much. I wish she knew that I hate it almost as much as she does and I would love to do everything she asks. But I can't.

I have cried. I have yelled. I haven't laughed. Not many smiles today.

Today has been hard.

I strapped the baby in the high chair long enough to microwave the 6 year old some lunch and put together some baby food and a bottle for the little one.

I managed to scarf down my own microwaved meal when I finally got the baby to bed over an hour later, after she'd been awake for nearly five hours of crying.

Yesterday I spent the day trying to attend to the issues my oldest has been having lately. It's been rough around here the past few months. Really rough. So I dedicated all of yesterday to her. All of it.

I haven't showered in over 48 hours. Haven't done laundry or dishes or any other household chores in two days. And it shows. Terribly. I just used our last clean bottle. I've re-used our last clean baby spoon. So it's not really clean any more. We haven't even had time to do homeschool in two days. Thank goodness she's ahead in the curriculum. Buys us some leeway.

Today has been hard. And it's just past lunch time.

I am tired. On the verge of tears. Today has been hard.

I Drove Myself Crazy

Yesterday was busy. So I stayed up until midnight tidying up the house. Still not as clean as I'd like, but passable, by our family's standards.

Then Jillian woke me up for a feeding at 3:30am. She had trouble going back down, the I had trouble falling back to sleep, so I was up with her from 3:30am to 5am.

She woke me back up at 7am for her next feeding. So tired. After her feeding I figured I had a better chance of getting more sleep if I slept with her on the couch, so I tried. Half an hour later Jena came in and woke me up.

Score. A total of 6 hours of (interrupted) sleep.

Six hours of sleep actually isn't bad for me. Or for millions of other Americans. Especially moms. It's the interruptions that get us. My longest stretch was 3 1/2 hours. Ugh.

And then I thought about it.

No wonder my mental health was so screwed up after I had Jena. I mean, I know a lot of it was physiological, but no wonder it got so bad and took so long to get better. Because at this stage in the game with her, I had already been back to work for a month.

I also was trying much harder to keep a clean house, cook dinners, etc.

So the scenario back then would have played out something like this:

Stay up until at least midnight (possibly as late as 2am) doing housework.
Up at 3:30am for feeding.
When not asleep by 5am, realize I might as well stay up for work.
Throw in a load of laundry. Do another random household chore.
Get ready for work.
Work for eight-ish hours.
Cook dinner.
In between taking care of Jena, do housework until at least midnight.

Several times a week, literally pass out on the couch, and wake up 2 -3  hours later, usually because Jena is crying or Jason is waking me up. Commence housework or child care.

Here's the deal. Even on that schedule, while my house was cleaner than it is now, it was still a constant mess. While I cooked more than I do now, we still ate out way too often. No matter how hard I tried, how much I did, it was never enough.

And my mental health caved.

My long-time readers might remember this one night in 2011. Nearly three years after Jena was born. It took me nearly three years to realize that my mental health was worth more than a clean house that will never be clean enough, worth more than a smaller pile of laundry that will never be all the way gone.

I know there are women out there who disagree with me, but I think it's ridiculous that our society expects women to be working moms, to return to work when the baby is just six weeks old, most often not even sleeping thru the night yet. Before I had kids I thought nothing of it.

Now, I think it's ludicrous. If that's what you need to do for the financial stability of your family, then so be it. Fine. Good for you for taking care of your family. But the fact that the is has became a societal expectation is ridiculous. Crazy.

And we're driving ourselves crazy - sometimes literally - trying to meet that expectation.

Thank you

Dear Jillian,

Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for being mine. Thank you for being here. Thank you for healing parts of me that I didn't know were broken. Thank you.

Only Time Will Tell

So after delivering Jillian via C-section, I was in the hospital for two-and-a-half days before being released. Considering I was hospitalized for five days for my vaginal delivery with Jena, I think half that time for a C-section is pretty awesome.

I had a few issues in the hospital, minor I suppose. And I have no frame of reference since it was my first C-section, so maybe they're all common.

First of all, when they removed my catheter, it was excruciatingly painful to urinate. We're talking a 10 out of 10 on the pain scale. We're talking me sobbing on the toilet. And keep in mind that at this point I'm still on pretty good pain meds. But seriously, 10 out of 10. Horrible. That took a little while to improve, and by the time I went home it was no longer painful, but was still uncomfortable to pee. But within a few more days, all was back to normal on the pee front.

Secondly, I passed a large blood clot during my first shower at the hospital. Large as in, call my husband in from the other room, and we both pulled the cords to call the nurse. I'd say roughly four inches in diameter. Large enough that they weighed it. Apparently it didn't weigh enough to be of major concern, so I was told as long as I didn't pass any others I was good to go. And I didn't, so...

Lastly, I was having horrible abdominal pain, even on the pain meds. But, you know, only when I moved. But when I moved? Easily ranged from an 8 to 10 on the pain scale. Ouch!
And not at my incision site. What was frustrating to me about this is that I was told repeatedly that if I had abdominal pain not at the incision site, I needed to let them know immediately. But when I did, I was told it was probably just from my uterus shrinking back to normal size and was nothing to worry about. So is it serious or not? Seemed to be conflicting info. Hmph.

Then on my second day home I was seen at home by a nurse. She took out my staples and did a general check up. During the check up she again mentioned that if I experienced any abdominal pain not at the incision site, I needed to let them know. So I told her I was still having horrible abdominal pain and was nearly out of my Vicodin. She assured me that it was probably 'normal', and advised me to call my doctor for a refill.

So I called the office for a refill. The nurse asked me a bunch of questions, confirmed that I was still taking the max dosage of Vicodin, talked to the doctor, then called me back to tell me that the pain I was feeling was probably normal, they'd call in another two days worth of meds, but that was it, so I needed to begin weaning off of the meds immediately. Honestly, I felt like I was treated like a drug seeker. Keep in mind my abdominal pain is not at the incision site (my incision actually never caused me trouble), and when I moved certain ways, especially lying down or getting up, my pain was easily a 10 out of 10. It was excruciating.

I attempted to wean off of the meds, but was still experiencing horrible pain, so two days later, I called and insisted on getting worked in to see the doctor. So glad I did.

I have an infection in my uterus. He could actually see the redness thru the skin. I was put on antibiotics and given a stronger pain med and orders to come back three days later.

A couple of days on the antibiotic and there was noticeable improvement. By the time I went back for my checkup, even the staff commented on how much better I looked. The doctor agreed that it seemed to be clearing up, ordered me to make sure I finished the antibiotic as prescribed, renewed my pain meds, and gave me orders to come back immediately if the pain, tenderness, or redness worsened at any point, or to come in if after I finished the antibiotic I was still experiencing any pain or tenderness at all, as by the time the antibiotic was finished the infection should be completely cleared up.

So we'll see.

Honestly, I'm not very hopeful. I've been weaning myself off the pain meds, and will run out tomorrow. Antibiotics run out in three days. Though it is much improved, I still have pain. At times up to a 3 or 4 on the pain scale. And I'm a little concerned at how bad it's gonna be after I'm off the pain meds completely. And how bad it's gonna be once I stop the antibiotics. Because I'm thinking if the infection's not completely gone by the time I stop the antibiotics, then the minute I stop them it's probably gonna flare back up again. I guess we'll just have to wait & see.

So... because of the infection, I had "babysitters" round the clock for two weeks as I was both unable to perform routine menial tasks, was in near-constant pain, and there were health concerns. Though I'm super-grateful for everything they did, I am so glad to not have a house full of people constantly. This introvert needed time alone with her family. Seriously.

So that's where we are now. Hopefully the anti-biotic will finish clearing up the infection over the next couple of days and we'll really start seeing an upswing in my recovery. Only time will tell.

As always, thanks for checking in.

Birth Story

So as I mentioned in my last post, Jillian arrived roughly two weeks ago, nearly three weeks early.

one of our first family pictures

I had gone in to see my Ob for my pre-op appointment in preparation for my scheduled C-section, but all of my labs came back borderline. Everything.

My sugar was controlled with insulin, but borderline. My blood pressure was technically high, but just by a couple of points. The protein in my urine came in just barely over what they want to see. And... I'm pretty sure they checked some other things too, but am blanking on what they were right now. The main thing is that every single thing that they checked came in as borderline problem.

So borderline, in fact, that my regular Ob didn't feel comfortable making the decision himself. He sent me home with instructions to pack my hospital bag, rest, and wait for him to call with further instructions after he consulted with other doctors in the practice. He consulted with two other doctors, then called me himself telling me they had booked the OR for me the following morning.

Unfortunately since it was unexpected, we didn't get my regular Ob, as he wasn't on the schedule for hospital rotation that day, but all of the physicians in the practice are fantastic, so no biggie really.

Jason was on shift, so took off the last 12 hours so he could come home and be home the night before. My parents met us at the hospital and stayed in the waiting room with Jena while waiting. My sister and my mother-in-law were also there.

Pre-op schtuff went as expected & planned. No worries there.

I will tell you that the spinal hurt more than I anticipated. Getting my epidural when Jena was born is one of the parts of her birth that is still blacked out of my memory, so I had no frame of reference. All I knew is that the anesthesiologist told me that after the numbing shot there shouldn't be any pain, only pressure.

Liar.

In fact, turns out where I'm feeling pain helps them know whether or not it's going in correctly. So seriously... liar. LOL.

The C-section itself was less pain than I anticipated. Everyone I had talked to - both medical personnel and other C-section mommas - had told me that I would feel so much pressure that it was painful. Not for me. No pain, and barely any pressure to speak of.

What was unexpected was how much nausea I had. The anesthesiologist told me it's from my blood pressure dropping from the spinal, and is fairly common. Yeah, I was really sick.

The most amazing, wonderful thing is that I was aware of everything and I remember everything. All of it. When they placed her on my chest. The look on my husband's face. The sound of her first cry. Overhearing the doctor's comments, the nurses' conversations. All of it. All of it is wonderful. Every second.

All of those things that I missed during Jena's birth, that I blacked out during, that the PTSD has still blocked from my memory, that I have so much guilt over not remembering, that I've always felt that I missed out on. I didn't miss them this time. I experienced all of them, and I remember it all. And that is such an amazing gift that I thank the Lord for.

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As a side note about remembering the doctor's comments: he was a bit disappointed. He really believed Jillian would break his record for the largest baby he'd ever delivered, and he fully anticipated her weighing in at 12 lbs.

She "only" weighed 10 lbs 8 oz.

The placenta weighed nearly as much.

That's right folks, I literally lost 20 lbs in the span of about 20 minutes, LOL.

Sorry I haven't been around...

... but I've been a little busy...

Jillian made here arrive roughly two weeks ago. Birth story and other details to follow. But the short version is we're all a little enchanted with our new addition.

Quick Baby Check In

Quick baby check-in:

I continue to have contractions (not Braxton Hicks, like real-actual contractions), but no changes to my cervix, so we're still on this "okay to resume normal activity" bull crap. Even though the contractions are getting stronger. So blah.

Had an ultrasound yesterday. This little girl is already weighing in at an estimated 8 lbs 12 oz.

And we have four weeks until our scheduled C-section. Did I tell ya'll that? C-section is scheduled for May 20. If we make it that long.

We were told that her size, while large, is very proportional, which means they have no way to guess if her large size is simply genetic or is caused by the gestational diabetes. Apparently if it's caused by GD, the belly is usually disproportionately large, while Peanut's is not.

Not that it really matters to me. My biggest concern about the GD is that my sugars, while better, still aren't totally controlled. Even with major diet changes and repeatedly upping my insulin doses. Which means that she's been getting pumped full of sugar constantly for months. Which means that when the umbilical cord is clipped there's a significant chance that her blood sugar will drop significantly, leading to a stay in the NICU.

That, is my concern. I don't care how big she is, or why. I don't really even are that much about the fact that my sugar is uncontrolled. I do care about the possibility of how it will affect her health. That is why I follow my diet and stick myself with insulin twice daily. That is why "indulging" myself now means having a 2nd apple with peanut butter, as that's the sweetest thing I allow myself on a regular basis.

Anywho... kinda got off on a tangent there. Everything looked great at the ultrasound. So we'll keep hanging in there.

As always, thanks for checking in!

This Summer is Gonna be Awesome

So the upcoming Summer has been a subject of quite a good amount of anxiety for me. Why? you ask. Well, I'll tell you.

First of all, we'll be welcoming a newborn into our home.

Then, there's the fact that I will be off work for the first time since I was... 15? Looking back on work (and way back including school in the mix), I have never had this much time away from daily scheduled obligations since I was 15. Which was a long time ago.

And then let's add in that Jena will be staying home with me (ie. not going to preschool). So for the first time in three years (she's only five, mind you), she will be home all Summer, not participating in the daily structured atmosphere of preschool. And since my parents watched her before she started preschool, she'll be staying home for the longest period of time in her life.

On the surface, all of these are good things. Really good.

But I also am keenly aware that they are all three major changes. Changes that will need adjusting to. Adjustments which will almost certainly cause at least a small amount of stress on our family.

And they're all happening at the same time.

I have been anxious about everything from just the stress of so much change to our family at once, to what will I feed Jena for lunch, to what will I eat for lunch.

What will we do to occupy our time? With me taking care of a newborn? And a five year old with lots of energy to burn?

So much anxiety over it.

Until recently.

Now, mind you I do still realize there will be some stress involved. And some anxious moments. And we'll probably go to McDonald's more than once simply because I forgot that I have to feed us lunch at home now, but...

There's so much good too.

I get to spend all Summer home with my girls.

I don't have to make Jena come in from playing outside, just because we have work/school the next day. I anticipate lots of chasing-of-lightening-bugs and other dusk fun.

My house might actually be clean. Maybe.

I can visit with friend or my parents whenever I want. No trying to squeeze visits into already busy nights & weekends.

We can visit Daddy at the firehouse during the week. No more waiting until a weekend when the stars align just so, so that he's on shift and we have nothing planned to do.

We can go to the park during the day. No squeezing it in after work/school and worrying that if we stay too late she'll be up too late then won't want to get up for school the next day.

We could maybe do a play date with some friends.

So much available. I know we won't do it all. But it's there. It's a real possibility. For the first time ever.

This Summer is gonna be awesome.

28 Week Baby Update

So much to catch you up on!

Well, my blood pressure has normalized on its own, so we're still watching it, but so far out of the woods.

Unfortunately my gestational diabetes (GD) is currently "uncontrolled". I am doing my best to follow the eating plan given to me, but my numbers keep going up. My morning fasting blood sugar is the worst, at double or more the target.

And just for added fun, this week I started weekly visits to the High Risk Pregnancy Clinic, and at my visit was told that I need to consult with the Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialist at the hospital where I will deliver.

Why so much attention? Well, it's a combination. First & foremost seems to be my "advanced reproductive age". They really like bringing up how old I am, LOL.
Then you add to that my giant baby. Peanut is currently on target to be 11 lbs at birth. Not bad considering my husband was nearly 12 lbs, and my dad was 10 lbs, so we're getting it on both sides. And I was informed that if I had carried Jena to term she would likely have been 10.5 lbs. But still. Big babies mean higher risks for mom, so... there's that.
And of course my uncontrolled GD on top of that. And then the hypertension, even though it's currently resolved, is yet one more reason to keep an eye on things.

So high risk clinic & specialists it is.

We are starting to enter panic mode, realizing how quickly this baby is coming. If I carry to term (which is unlikely), we have a mere 12 weeks left. The nursery isn't really even started. We still have to finish cleaning out the room, before we can begin putting it together. We just went thru all of Jena's old things that we had in storage over the weekend, and did manage to register last night. But it's all happening so fast.

Speaking of registering, my mother-in-law is throwing me a shower. I know there's all kinds of different views on second baby showers, but she wanted to do it. Honestly, I'm not expecting much of a turnout. My family doesn't "do" 2nd baby showers. So besides my mom & my sister, I'm not sure anyone else will show up. Which is fine. I understand the view, and it's okay.

But... I'm questioning the logic. Growing up obviously we never did them. The reasoning (as it was explained to me) is that the first time you shower the mom with things she'll need for baby. For the second child, she should already have what she needs, so to have another shower is akin to being greedy.

But here's the thing:
- after years in storage, some of our items from Jena just didn't survive. Pack-n-Play. Diaper bag. Baby bath. To name a few of the larger items
- there is also a bevy of smaller items that just need to be replaced, or are disposable

I'm gonna be honest, I was surprised at how much did end up on our registry. There's so much that we don't have, despite all the things we kept from when Jena was a baby (which was a lot, IMO).

So for me the logic doesn't hold. If you're gonna help the mom out the first time, why not the second time? It seems a little hypocritical to say you're okay with bringing presents for baby #1, but not for baby #2.

It's okay if you don't want to because you don't want to. But the logic for not doing 2nd showers as it was always explained to me just doesn't hold. Just my opinion.

Besides, when I was pregnant with Jena I knew I wanted a shower for any other kids we might have. Not because of the presents, but because I just can't imagine having all this celebration over one child, but not celebrating any subsequent children. How could I not celebrate Peanut's upcoming arrival? Because tradition says we don't? Sounds like a tradition that needs to go, in my opinion.

So to those invited, come. Bring a gift, don't bring a gift, I really don't care. But help me celebrate this child and everything she means to me and my family.

Well... that got a lot longer than I originally intended. I guess that's what happens when I don't get to write as often, huh?

Thanks for checking in!

Not Exactly Comforting

One early morning last week Chief woke me up at 3:15am needing to go out.

I rolled out of bed and reached for the light switch. As I did so, I felt a sharp pain in my lower abdomen. Then water running down my leg.

I froze.

Did my water just break? Maybe it was just pee. But I didn't feel like I needed to pee. It didn't feel like I  peed. It just came out. And the pain…

Crap.

All I could think was “I’m only 20 weeks. This cannot be good”

I let the dogs out. Let them back in. Went to the bathroom to see if I could tell anything. No clue.

After checking with Dr. Google I determined that at the very least I needed to call my doctor. But right about then Jena started calling for me.

It’s now roughly 4am. She had wet her bed. I got her changed into clean PJs and tucked into our bed. Then I went into the living room and called the after hours line for our OB practice.

The doctor who was on call confirmed that yes, I needed to get checked out. But she advised that I didn’t need to rush because if my water did break there’s really nothing they can do anyway (minimum age for survival outside of the womb is currently 24 weeks).

Not exactly comforting.

So I went back to bed and contemplated whether or not I needed to wake Jason up. Then he rolled over and looked at me. He was up. I told him what was going on, and started crying.

We decided to go, but we would take the time to get us & everything ready, call his mom to watch Jena, wake Jena up, etc.

And so we did. His mom never did answer the phone, so she got a surprise visit around 5:15am.

We arrived at the Emergency Room and they took us up to Labor & Delivery triage.

The first thing they did was find Peanut’s heartbeat. Even though I had felt her move on the ride to the hospital, it sure was a relief to actually hear that strong beating sound.

The hospital doctor was in the process of delivering another baby, so we had to wait just a bit for him to come in. Then they proceeded to do a “fern test” to see if they could detect any amniotic fluid in the birth canal.

Negative.

Whew.

So they called and spoke to my doctor, who recommended that I call the office right when it opens and come in for an ultrasound to check fluid levels, just to be safe.

And so we went home. Slept for about 2 hours. Called the doctor and made an appointment for that afternoon.

Ultrasound was good. Fluid levels were good, all measurements were good, yay.

So… basically… I probably peed my pants.

They don’t know why it happened the way it did, why I had a pain in my abdomen just before, etc. but I don’t really care.

I’ve never been so happy to lose control of my bladder, LOL.

Needless to say our day started out worrisome and emotional, but we ended on a good note. And that’s really all I could ask for.

As always, thanks for checking in!

Update on Peanut

As you can tell by my last post, we had our 18 week ultrasound, and it’s a girl.

Everything checked out well, all good news.

Her length is measuring right on schedule (as in, exactly by the gestational age based on our due date), but various all other measurements were anywhere from 1 – 3 weeks ahead. There’s still lots of growing to do, so we’ll just have to wait & see.

Right now she’s measuring to be a smaller baby than Jena was, but again, we have plenty of growing time left for that to change.

One measurement I remember was big was her abdomen. The tech said it could be a sign of gestational diabetes. Honestly, I’d be shocked if I had GD. My sugar trends low anyway, I haven’t noticed any issues with my sugar this pregnancy, and in fact since I got pregnant I’ve been craving sweets less, and therefore am eating less sugar than normal. So that would surprise me. But we’ll see. I’m expecting my obstetrician to order my screening any day now.

Jena is absolutely thrilled that she’s getting a little sister, and is already proving to be a great big sister. She wants everything to be perfect and “special” for the new baby. I can’t wait to see how she really interacts once Peanut gets here.

So that’s our brief update. As always, thanks for checking in!

It's a...

GIRL !!!

A Letter to the Well-Intentioned:

For the past few years,  you have been inquiring as to the size of our family, asking when we would bless Jena with a sibling.

For the past year, it has happened more frequently. One of you approaches me with this question at least once per week.

Quite frankly, it is none of your business.

Just as it was none of your business the first time around.

But for the record, here's the deal:

- in my younger years, I was informed by my physician to expect fertility issues. There is a very good possiblity that Jena is our miracle child.

- I had severe complications from my labor & delivery with Jena. This makes having another child really scary for me and my husband.

- I struggled with Post Partum Depression for over 2 years following the birth of my first child. This not only postponed the time until I was mentally well enough to even consider having another child, but also adds an additional concern to having another child.

- I've been struggling with pituatary issues for over two years, and have also dealt with various other health concerns.

- we have been trying to conceive, and suffered a miscarriage three months ago.
- I was recently informed by my physician, that because of my ongoing pituatary issues, I am most likely not even ovulating any more, and if we do conceive at this time, am unlikely to carry a pregnancy to term

So there it is. All laid out for you. Now you know the in-a-nutshell version of why we haven't had more kids yet. Thanks for reminding me weekly of some incredibly painful moments in my life. I especially enjoy when you do this loudly, and in public.

By the way, while we're at it, stop asking anyone when they're having kids, getting married, finding a new job, etc. unless the other person invites you to discuss that topic. Despite public results the path to getting to any milestone in life is a very private journey. So knock it off.

Thank you for your kind consideration in this matter.

-- Jodi

Hypocrisy

Have you heard about the man charged with murder for tricking his girlfriend into taking the morning-after pill? No? Well then, read here:

http://www.wcpo.com/dpp/news/local_news/water_cooler/john-andrew-weldon-tampa-man-charged-with-murder-over-abortion-pill-trick-on-girlfriend-fbi-says

Does anyone see the hypocrisy in a legal system that says if you want a baby, then to kill it is murder, but if you don't want it, then it's a legal procedure?

Am I the only one who recognizes the hypocrisy in that?

As someone who had an early ultrasound with my first pregnancy - at 7 weeks - and saw the heartbeat, and as someone who recently had a miscarriage, I cannot imagine my horror if I ever discovered that I had been tricked into aborting my child at 6 weeks along.

But at the same time, the fact that the system legally permit abortions of the same unborn children, the same heart-beating babies, because the mother doesn't want it... is disgusting and heart-wrenching.

I saw Jena's heart beating on the monitor at 7 weeks gestation. She was alive. A living human being with her own body, her own tiny heart beating on its own.

And yet in most states she could have been killed for another 5 weeks. In a few states, she could have been even older than that.

Disgusting. Selfish. Murder.

Wanted or unwanted, legal or illegal, killing is killing, murder is murder.

Guest Post: What You'll Need for that Adorable Baby Shower

As you know, I'm fairly excited about the prospect of possibly having baby #2. Whether you're having a little one yourself, or are planning a shower for a friend, I hope you enjoy this guest post by Rachael McAdams. Happy reading!
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Baby showers are full of absolutely adorable things for both mom and baby. Keeping track of everything however, can be tough. Here are a few lists to help stay organized.

Themes, Decorations, and Invitations

Baby shower decorations should reflect the overall theme of the event. Is mommy planning a “Noah’s Ark” room? Get pairs of small stuffed animals to put on every table. Does she like to garden? Get small potted plants and packages for seeds for each guest to take home with them as favors, such as these Peter Rabbit personalized seed packets from Esty. Find out what mom and dad are planning for their new addition and try to implement it into the shower’s theme and decorations. Consider asking other family members to join in on the planning and for shower ideas. They may be able to provide that one little bit of information that could make the shower extra special!

Once you decide on a theme and what type of decorations you would like to have, you need to order invitations. There are plenty of great options for every budget. For example, Tiny Prints has baby shower invitations to match any theme you can dream up and they usually have a coupon code running. Invitations should go out three to four weeks before the shower so everyone has time to respond and find that perfect gift. Also make sure to include if it the shower is a surprise so no one slips about the plans in front of mommy.

Food Ideas

Once the theme is picked and the invitations have gone out, it is time to plan a menu, Woman’s Day Magazine has a great list of tasty ideas! First it is important to consider any dietary restrictions mommy may be under. For example, many women need to be extra careful of their sodium intake during pregnancy, so make sure to avoid serving nothing but salty snacks. On the flip side, make sure to include food items mommy will enjoy. Does she love chocolate cake? Or a special recipe of her grandma’s? These are the things that will help make the day extra special with that touch of home.

Ultimately, a baby shower is all about having fun and celebrating a wonderful event. Make sure your plans include a fun theme and great food, and everyone will have wonderful memories.

Bumpity Bump

On one of my message boards, a young, thin & fit woman, who is eight months pregnant, relayed a story where she spends hours sobbing in various dressing rooms, trying on clothes for her baby shower, because while they're "cute", they all make her look "too pregnant".

She hates her baby bump, and feels fat.

I'm gonna be honest, I never understood this. Even before I had Jena.

You're pregnant. You are carrying a baby in that belly. Celebrate it! Show it off!

I understand it even less so since having my own child.

I loved being pregnant. I loved my baby bump. My gigantic, wearing XXL maternity clothes and my belly still hung out the bottom for the last two months of my pregnancy bump. Loved it.

I loved being pregnant. Every achy-joint, food-and-water-aversion-cold-all-the-time, highly-sensitive-to-smells, can't-get-comfortable, bigger-feet minute of it.

If God grants me the chance to carry another child, I plan on living it up, pregnancy style. Maternity clothes at the first sign of a "+" on the pregnancy test. Celebrating every second, relishing every moment.

I am, and will be, keenly aware that this will be my last pregnancy. And I don't plan on wasting a second of it, trying to hide my bump, lamenting my bigger belly. No ma'am. I plan on showing off & living those 10 months gloriously.

Mini Update

I feel this ambition to get my life " in order" before we get pregnant. Not like I'm not managing things now, but like I feel this need to really get things better under control. A better meal plan, better cleaning schedule, better morning routine, things like that.

Probably not a bad idea, because I know that with pregnancy will come a loss of energy (at least at some point), and a new baby will bring its own challenges to getting things done around the house, so improving upon the current can only, well, improve things, right?

So that's where I am right now. As always, thanks for checking in!

See what happens...

Well, we decided. And today I picked up my last refill of birth control. Granted, it's a three month supply, but still. It feels like a moment worth noting.

I'll take them all back-to-back, not taking the week off for my period. Then we'll stop the birth control and see what happens.

Eeeeeeeek!

Giving it to God

So, you know that financial goal that we're supposed to meet before we start trying? Well, we met it a bit ago.

Ta da!

So now, the big question is exactly when do we TTC? Obviously we didn't rip my Patch off that night, LOL.

I have some other medical stuff going on right now, so current thinking is we'll wait to see how that goes.

We also have a couple of family & relationship milestones coming up, so we've tossed around the idea of waiting until one of those. I guess the idea is it would make it more meaningful.

Although as I type that out it sounds stupid. How much more meaningful than attempting to create life can you get?

And the truth is that we're both nervous. Really nervous. Scared, even.

Jason won't say it, but I think he has a lot of the same fears that I do - will my PPD come back? anxiety? will our marriage weather another child?. I think he also worries about money more than I do. While I don't believe in being stupid, we're in a good position, have met several financial goals, are on the right track, and so... God will provide. I'm definitely much more of a "God will provide" mindset.

The other night I had a moment of doubt. A moment of fear, really. Can I do this? Can we do this?I mean, I'm happy. Ridiculously happy. I adore Jena. I don't ever want anyone (especially her) to think this comes from some place of thinking that she wasn't enough for me. Our family dynamic is good. Financially we are in a great place with only one child. We can give her the world. Having another might change that.

And as all these second thoughts, and fears, and doubts were running thru my mind, I also felt that familiar tug, that pull at my heart telling me our family is not yet complete.

And so, I gave it up.

I talked with God for a bit.

I believe in my heart that there is someone missing from our family. That has not changed over the course of several years. And so, in the near future we will stop our birth control. And give it to God. I asked him that if my heart is correct, and there is someone missing, that He will send us our child. And if not, then not. After all, He is ultimately in control. I told God that if He does bless us with another child, then I will trust His decision, that we can handle this, that everything will be okay, and that He will guide us thru any troubles that might come.

And if He does not see fit to grant us another child, then I will accept that as well. If it takes five years, if it never happens, I will leave it to Him. He knows best. His timing is best.

I am not saying I will not be sad, or disappointed, or confused, if we aren't blessed with another child, simply that I will dwell with peace in my heart, because I have given it to God. He is in control. Not me. Not us. Him.