... but I swear it's not.
I don't want to apologize anymore. To anyone.
It's not that I think I'm right all the time. Far from it.
It's that I'm tired of always being the one to say I'm sorry.
It just seems like lately - and by lately, I mean for the last few years - it seems like whether I am completely at fault, equally at fault, or a tiny bit at fault, it seems like I am always the one who apologizes, the one who takes the first step, the one who bends first, the one who takes the first effort to makes amends.
Am I talking about my marriage? Yes. I'm also talking about family relationships, friends, even work relationships.
And I'm tired of it.
Yes, I admit that sometimes I'm wrong. And I usually have no problem admitting when I'm wrong. And even if I'm only partially at fault - and let's face it, in most disputes both parties are usually partially at fault in some way - I'm usually willing to accept responsibility for where I have gone wrong, apologize, and try to heal the relationship.
It's just that... well, sometimes the other party has to be the one to say I'm sorry.
Let's face it. Statistically, it's an impossibility that everything is actually my fault.
But for me to be the one that always apologizes first, always takes the initial step to fix the problem in the relationship... well it leaves the impression that I am wholly to blame, and they get off scott free, never having to say "sorry", never having to adjust their behavior, never having to change anything.
So this time... I don't wanna say it. I wanna hear it. And I want it to be sincere.
And yes, I am accepting partial responsibility for the issue at hand. Partial. But I don't wanna say I'm sorry. Not because I don't think I'm at fault, not because I don't wanna accept responsibility, but just because I'm tired of it.
For once, I want the other party to take the first step, to meet me halfway and to get there first, to make the first gesture that they want to repair the relationship.
Maybe it sounds silly. Maybe it sounds prideful. At this point, I don't really care.
It's partially my own fault. I think sometimes I'm too quick to make amends, too quick to try to make nice. Sometimes, believe it or not, I can be a doormat. I don't mean to be. I just like to be nice to people. And I want people to be happy. But sometimes in efforts to make people happy, it seems like I get lost.
And I'm tired of it.