I can't find it.
As I've been reflecting on years past, in some cases many years past, I can't help but taking note in the difference between my confidence levels then and now.
I used to be so confident in myself. Oh sure, there were moments I doubted myself, certain things I was self-conscious of, but overall? Wow, was I confident.
Now? Not so much.
It's more the other way around. There are moments I feel certain, things I am decisive about, but overall? I am unsure, cautious.
I know when it started. It didn't happen all at once, but was more of a downward spiral. One thing happened, then another, then another... and my confidence was dashed to bits.
Even looking back on it, with many years of objectivity between myself and those events, I think even the most self-assured person would have wavered. Not perhaps as much as I did, but it would have been hard to be unaffected.
And yes, some of that boldness came from lack of maturity. You see, from experience I see how foolish I was to be convinced of successes that would never transpire, I see how naive I was to expect outcomes that were unlikely to occur.
But... oh, how fun was that ride! To attempt things without fear of failure, to go for things I had no business going for, to actually believe I had what it takes.
Thing is, it's a ride I want to be on. Now, can someone tell me where the line is forming? Because I can't seem to find my way back.
5 comments:
You still are that person! But when you marry and have children, you are responsible for more than just yourself. Every decision you make impacts more than just you and the doubts start creeping in. You can't go full-steam like you used to, but you can still be that person!
I used to have confidence in myself too. I think the older we get, the more mistakes we make, the more challenging parenting becomes makes us lose that so-called confidence. I believe that is God's will for us. To lose ourselves and to place our confidence in Him. I know that has been true for me. When we admit that we really have no idea of what we are doing, it becomes easier and easier to run to the One who does!
Once we have kids I think it comes from constantly questioning ourselves about whether we are doing the "right" thing. It's intimidating to be wholly responsible for a tiny perfect little being.
I learned not to fear the mistakes... but say, hmm that didn't work, let's try again.
I'm big on the fake it until you feel it method. There are lots of things I don't "feel" all the time. But I found if I acted like I did, eventually, I did feel that way.
Maybe not the best method...but it's worked for me!!
Good post!
Confidence... such a hard thing to come by I feel.... for me, personally.
Some people have it.
Some people have Too much.
Some people don't, and need some.
Maybe what you have isnt a lack of confidence... its a different, more refined confidence...
If you find yours, will you let me know where you found it? I'm guessing mine is right there with it.
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