As sure as I know my name

As much as there is a huge part of me that feels like our family is not yet complete, like there is another tiny soul out there, waiting for us...

there is another part of me that is terrified to go thru my post partum illnesses again, scared that our marital issues will dredge up again with the stress of a newborn, worried that because I struggled so much with one, I'll never be able to handle two.

In my head, I know that there is no reason to think my post partum illnesses will recur, or if they do that they will be as bad or last as long. Especially since now we know in advance what we're up against. But it still scares me.

And I know there is no reason to think our relationship issues will repeat. But then a tiny voice says "but there's no reason not to think that either"

And I know that I have more experience now, a better handle on not just motherhood, but life, and that God won't give me more than I can handle. But I still worry.

But deep down, in my soul, I can feel that our family is not complete. I can't explain it. I don't know how to properly put it into words. I don't know the how's or when's, or even the why's... but I know we are meant to be a family of four. I know it as sure as I know my name.