Huge, Bloated Cow

I am so tired of being fat.

I broke down the other night and started bawling.

I will be perfectly honest: I do not eat as well as I should.

I know that, and I am owning that.

But while my weight is holding steady now, the first two months I adjusted (ie. went off) my meds so we could TTC, I gained 25 lbs in just eight weeks. That's just over 3 lbs a week, on average.

I feel like a huge, bloated cow.

I'm scared to try the shakes again, because it is such a drastic diet, and I had a miscarriage last time I was on them. Sure, it's easy to say they were unrelated, but it scares me to death.

The only medically supervised program I qualify for isn't covered by insurance, and is way out of our price range.

So I'm again, still, just trying to do better. I've been reading a lot about clean eating, and have started taking steps to reduce the amount of chemicals we ingest. And for the past week I've been eating a banana for breakfast, salad for lunch, banana for snack, and smaller portions of a "normal" dinner.

So far, it's resulted in zero weight loss.

I'm just miserable. I hate it. I can't stand the way I look and feel. And I can't help but wonder if I'm going to have to be on meds for the rest of my life just to have any sort of chance at being anywhere close to a healthy weight.

Sad.