My friend? He killed himself.

It sounds so harsh, doesn't it?

But it is harsh. "committed suicide" just doesn't sound right in this case.

Perhaps because it was such a violent death.

I will not go into details, for privacy's sake, but the method he chose, is an excruciating, painful manner of death. Perhaps one of the worst ways to die I can think of.

And it was not quick.

His attempt occurred in the middle of the night last Sunday night. He died Wednesday afternoon. His last three days being spent in the ICU.

He did it at home. I do not know what, if anything, his family saw.

I do know the first responders who responded to the 9-1-1 call (I do not know who placed the call), witnessed the entire incident, and for reasons I will not go into here, were helpless to intervene. I don't know what happened to those first responders, but honestly, I could see this as one of those career-ending calls. The ones that haunt you the rest of your life. The one that could make them not return to the job.

The astounding thing to me? There were no warning signs. None.

I spoke with him about 10 days prior. He was his normal, happy, jovial self. He had posted new pics of his kids on his Facebook page just a couple of days prior to that. Through the network of loved ones that has evolved since this occurred, I have been in touch with friends, family, and co-workers. All proclaim that there were no warning signs.

In the days & weeks leading up to it, he appeared to be his normal self. We have all racked our brains trying to think of anything we might have missed. It just wasn't there. No indications that anything was amiss, that he was struggling with anything at all.

And what is so devestating to me, is that whatever it was, whatever pain or struggle he was having within himself, the idea that that distress was so great that he decided that ending his life, and ending it in what he certainly knew was a most painful manner, was better than continuing on.

That thought... it is that thought that haunts me.

I hurt for him. For the internal pain he was in that led up to his decision. It breaks my heart to think of my friend struggling so.

My mind swirls with thoughts. I have thought of little else for days. I could fill volumes with what my mind is speaking.

I might write more on the matter later. But for now, this is it.

My friend died this week. My friend killed himself his self.