I went to Temple Watchers (Bible-based weight loss) tonight. Er... I tried to go.
I waited. And waited. And saw no one go into the church. Finally I went up to the doors, and they were locked. I waited another five minutes, and no one showed.
I left, feeling rejected & disappointed. I felt like I had been stood up. I was so excited to start this new journey. And then... it didn't happen. They weren't there.
I left the church & went clothes shopping, as I'd originally planned. And... I was disappointed. Felt like I tried on the entire store, and didn't like anything. Well, not enough to pay for it anyway. I'm cheap like that.
As I stood in the dressing room, putting my clothes back on, I had a mini-revelation. It's not the clothes. It's the body. I don't like the way my body looks.
Simple, isn't it? But I needed that moment. That simple moment of clarity.
I went on, still feeling rejected, and now doubly disappointed, to my grandmother's house to meet my parents & pick up FireGirl. We spent a short amount of time talking, and watching FireGirl play with the same toys that I played with as a child. Sweet, sweet memories.
And then FireGirl & I left to begin the 45 minute journey home. FireGirl began to fuss, and so I played her favorite CD. It's a collection of children's hymns, sung by kids. She loves it.
And somewhere in there, during that drive home, I had another moment of clarity. A revelation.
I keep waiting to "fix" myself. I keep waiting for someone else. Something else. Some big moment. Some big thing. Someone to help me.
It's not going to change with someone else. It's not gonna change with something else. There is no big moment. It starts with me. Now.
Once that revelation hit me, I immediately felt renewed. Energized. Like a weight (pardon the pun) had been lifted.
And then a mini-revelation. I have to work with what I have. For example, I don't like salad. I don't. I just don't. If I try to lose weight by eating salad every day, I'm only gonna keep up with it for so long. Then I'm gonna stop, and fall back into my old habits. Because I. Don't. Like. Salad. So if I'm gonna make an effective change, I have to work with what I have.
Oh, and did I mention that there is no big moment.
Things are different this time. I can't explain it. I just feel different. I'm excited. I'm ready. And I spent the rest of the drive home rocking out to children's hymns. You should have seen me. I can really rock "Jesus Loves the Little Children".
Please keep me in your thoughts, and pray that God gives me the strength to follow through, and really make the change.