A lot lately.
It just seems... like I'm never good enough. For anyone. Work, home, boss, family, extended family, friends, whatever. No one's happy with me.
I can't tell you how many times in the past few weeks I've thought about packing up the car, taking FireGirl, and just driving. Just. Driving.
Sometimes I think I must just really suck this badly. I must just really be awful.
Sometimes I think maybe I'm terribly misunderstood.
And it seems like just when I start to feel good about myself again, something happens, someone says something, and it all goes out the window.
FireMan would tell me to stop worrying so much about what other people think. But when those people are people you care about, who seem to care about you, and they express such negative feelings about you, then how can you not care about what they think? If the people who are supposed to care about you the most think that badly about you, then what does everyone else think? Right?
Sometimes I think maybe it's my PPD.
But then I get angry because then that implies that it's all my fault. Again.
I'm tired of everything being my fault. I'm tired of being blamed for everything. I'm tired of not being good enough.
But if it is my PPD, I don't want it to go without getting more appropriate treatment. Whether it's counselling, a higher does of my meds, a different med, whatever.
But I'm really tired of it being my fault. I want it to be someone else's fault for once.
I just don't know what to do anymore. This goes beyond FireMan. It goes beyond my job. It goes beyond FireGirl. It's just... everything. And I am at a loss.