"Busted Heart"

Back when this happened, I was devestated truth be told. Part of me felt like the misery of the past had come crashing back all in one fell swoop. The next day we had a fight. Nothing huge, but... it just seemed like everything was falling apart again.

And after I left the house and was driving to Kroger, the song "Busted Heart" (linked above, lyrics below) by For King & Country was playing on the radio. It just seemed to encompass everything I was feeling, and although I'd never heard it before, as the words came across the radio the tears just poured out and I found myself crying to the Lord, each word of the song a prayer to my God, my Father.

Since then, things are much, much better, but the song still means so much to me. It reminds me of where I was, not only that day, but for so long in the past, it reminds me of a God who holds on to us when we don't have the strength to hold on any longer.

In many ways it reminds me of the parent / child relationship we have with our Father. How many times has my daughter not been able to hold my hand, but I can reach out and grab hers? How many times does she not know which way to go, but I can direct her paths? Our Heavenly Father does the same for His children more times than we even realize.

Thanks for checking in.

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Busted Heart (Hold On To Me)
For King & Country

Winter has come back again
Feels like the season won't end
My faith is dying tonight
And I won't try to pretend

I've got it all figured out
I don't have any doubts

I've got a busted heart
I need You now
Yeah, I need You now

(chorus)
Hold on to me, hold on to me
Don't let me lose my way

Hold on to me

I am the wandering son

Your love is never enough
I keep chasing the wind

Instead of chasing Your love
I'm screaming out Your name
Don't let me fall on my face
I've got a busted heart
I'm in need of a change
I'm desperate for grace

Hold on to me, take all of me
Don't let me lose my way
Hold on to me

Broke Your heart a thousand times
But You've never left my side
You have always been here for me

You never let me go
You never let me go
Don't ever let me go

Hold on to me, hold on to me
Don't let me lose my way
Hold on to me

Hold on to me, take all of me
Don't let me lose my way
Hold on to me

Until it comes to an end
Soon this season will end
I'll surrender tonight
You meet me right where I am.

Ends up, I'm angry

Who knew?

I didn't.

I don't didn't don't feel angry.

But... it showed up the other night. Out of nowhere. And to be honest, I'm not really sure what to do with this anger, how to process it.

I'm angry with my husband for not being on board with wanting more children.

And for making plans (in his head) for our future that are completely different from what my plans are.

And for telling me what I want is crazy.

I'm angry with my sister for moving half-way across the country.

I'm angry with one of my best friends for moving all the way across the country.

I'm angry with my ex for being so... weird... about stuff that it's virtually impossible to be friends with his wife anymore, because she & I were once really good friends. And I need good friends.

I'm angry with my brother for constantly twisting my words and making me out to be a bad person, even when what I'm trying to do is really good.

I'm angry.

All this stuff just came pouring out of me at once the other night. All this and more. I guess I've been holding it in. So much so that I didn't even realize I was feeling this anger inside.

My mind was flooded, overwhelmed with resentment at so many people, at God, at the world, at myself.

Apparently, I'm angry.

And I didn't even know it.

A few months ago an acquaintance of mine told me I was angry. And I was all like "ummm... no. Really, I'm fine. Doing the best I have in a long time. But thanks for your opinion"

Ends up she was right after all. Not sure what she saw, but she saw something I didn't. I totally didn't see this coming.

And I think the hardest part is that I'm angry, but I'm not.

I mean, I can't begrudge FireMan for wanting what he wants, or not wanting what I want. Just because we want different things isn't a reason to be angry with him.

I can't be angry with my sister because her husband lost his job and needed to move a few states away to find work to support their family.

I can't be angry with my friend because her husband needed to move across the country to find work.

I can't really be angry with my ex for being... weird... because exes are supposed to be weird to us after we break up.

I can't really be angry with my brother because he just has issues that he needs to deal with.

And I can't be angry with God because I know that He will work everything out for my good in the end.

And I can't really be angry with myself because I know that I am on my own journey and just trying to do the best that I can, which is also true of everyone I just mentioned.

So this anger is a different kind of anger, because while I am angry with these people, I'm really not. But I can't really say that I'm angry with God or myself or the world or anything like that either.

It's more like this very vague, but simultaneously very specific anger inside. And I have no idea how to process it because it's just such a different kind of emotion from what I've experienced before.

Or... (this thought comes as I type)... maybe it's still revealing itself. Maybe discovering that anger is just part of me discovering myself again. Maybe this is a process. Maybe this is part of the journey.

I guess that's it for now. Just watch out! Because apparently, FireWife is angry.

As always, thanks for checking in.

Not Just Another Blog Challenge #17 - A Little Known Fact

 

A little known fact about me, something very few people know, especially in blog world, is...

I used to breed mice.

Yep. Like the furry little rodents.

In high school I took Agricultural Science, and needed a project. Not living on a farm, I was somewhat limited in my choices. So breeding mice it was.

I started with a black & white male named "Mickey", and a brown female named "Minnie".
I bred them for color combinations, and sold the litters to local pet stores.

And then after a few years and being done breeding them, I just kept a few as pets.

And then in college, I decided I wanted one again. So I got another mouse.

Their lifespan is only 3-4 years, and that's if they don't get sick or anything, so you tend to go thru a lot of them over time.

They actually make great pets, although if not handled regularly they can get a little bite-y.

Mickey was so tame I'd let him wander around my bedroom, and he would come when I called him. Most of them I would get out and let them climb on me as I went about my daily business at home, read a book, did homework, watched TV, whatever

Not like all of them at once or anything. Just one or two at a time. As much as I like mice, all of them at once is a little... weird. And hard to manage.

I still have a soft spot for all things mousey, and cringe a little when Tucker does his job in ridding our house of the vermin.

See, I even just cringed a little just calling them "vermin".

So, there ya go. Little known fact about Jodi.