A month ago, I thought I had nothing left. I was so empty. So desparate. So lost.
Now? Well, there are still struggles, but there is so much hope too.
Work is going better. Figuring out the "dance" with the new boss.
FireGirl is really starting to love her day care arrangement. She's starting to open up more socially with the other kids, and is blossoming in pre-school as well.
My dad is doing really well, is working thru his physical therapy, but it's going well. They watch FireGirl one day a week now, and last week kept her overnight for the first time since November.
And FireMan & I? Well, there's definitely still work to be done, but things are going well. I think.
Although I don't know that I can say I've 100% forgiven him, I can say that over the past few weeks, my hard feelings towards him have dissolved, almost completely.
The truth is, I'm not angry with him anymore.
That feeling that has sat in my chest for almost a year now? It's gone. That heaviness, that pain... it's gone.
To be sure, the memory of pain is still there, threatening to become fresh again with any new strikes, but... it is a memory.
And I am beginning to trust him again. That is what is going to take time. Rebuilding trust. I guess it's like knocking down a skyscraper. You can tear it down in a day, but to build it back up again takes many, many moons.
It frustrates him to no end that I don't trust him yet. But trust, once destroyed, takes time to rebuild. It just does. I don't think there's anything I can do to speed that process. But every time I "catch" him telling the truth, every time he does what he says he's going to do, every time he follows thru on his word... they're all building blocks, building it back up again.
I guess in a month, the outside difference doesn't seem so big. There's still work to be done. We still struggle.
But inside... my inside has changed. My heart is soft again. And I have hope, real hope for our marriage.
And... he makes me happy. Again.