My husband is gone all... the... time. And I get lonely.
Right now he's gone 36 hrs, home 36 hrs.
Of course, there's sleep time in there. And the hours that I'm gone to work. And whatever time he wants to spend volunteering with Water Rescue. And helping his dad cut firewood, or whatever. And... I get lonely.
Lately I've been lonely a lot. I dropped Jena off at my parents the other day, and cried on my way home. Why? Because I missed her? Sure. But mostly it was a pity party for myself, because I was going home to an empty house. I was lonely. No one to talk to.
I'm sure the people at Kroger think I'm nuts. When I go grocery shopping with Jena, I talk to her the entire shopping trip. Ask her opinions on things. Just talk.
Why? Because I have more words that are trying to get out of my mouth, and no one to say them to. So I say them to her.
I also talk to Tucker quite a bit. And Tootsie has taken to listening to me in the mornings, while Buddy tends to listen better in the evenings.
Did I mention I'm lonely?
I go to work, where I sit in a corner cubicle. By myself. Today, for instance, in the 20 seats nearest to mine, there are three other people. The closest one two seats away. And all three of them are managers or above, and so have been in & out of meetings all day.
And none of them do what I do anyway. I'm the only administrative specialist in my entire division. I'm also the only "temp". Which means I have no one to commiserate with. No one to talk to. All day. Every day.
Did I mention I'm lonely?
And then I go home, to just me & Jena most nights. And I talk to a 13 mo. And she's a joy. But I'm lonely. And then she goes to bed. And I'm alone. Just me & Tucker. Alone.
Which leads me to the frustration part of this posting.
Between work, and taking care of Jena, and family obligations & such, I struggle to keep a neat house. STRUGGLE. It's a constant battle. And I feel like I get very little support from Jason. Which just makes it worse.
I understand that when he's gone, he works very hard. But I also understand that if they don't have any runs to go on, he gets to nap, or play video games. I have also done the math and figured out that he has more waking hours at home than I do.
So, for example, yesterday he's off. So he watches Jena while I go to work.
Oh, as background, I busted my butt all weekend to get our house clean. Still not done, still not perfect. But cleaner & looking better than it has in at least a year. Seriously. Busted my butt.
So he's off yesterday. And what do I come home to?
Jena's cereal bowl from breakfast still sitting on the couch, where he fed her about 10 hours earlier.
Jason's dirty sweatshirt draped across the couch.
Jena's toys strewn across the living room floor.
Remnants of the crackers that he had given Jena crumbling all over the house.
A half-full sippy cup lodged in a shelf on our entertainment center.
A sink full of dirty dishes.
So what did he do all day? Well, that I don't really know for sure. But he did tell me that he got in a nice 2 hour nap during Jena's afternoon nap.
When does Mommy get to nap?
So, I'm frustrated. I so want to scream at him, or throw things, or just go on strike. I feel really unappreciated. I worked my butt off to get that house in order, and in just a few short hours come home to a mess. Nice.
Oh, and did I mention that once I'm home, he considers himself "off"? So now that I put in 8 hrs at the office, and come home, he gets to watch TV, play on the computer, or otherwise relax, while I have to make dinner, do dishes, tidy up the house, try to get some laundry done, bathe Jena, feed Jena her dinner & snack, get Jena's clothes ready for the next day, and do all of this while Jena hangs on my legs and Tucker winds himself around my feet. And Jason sits there.
But I do get his point of view as well. He's been gone for 36 hours, then watched Jena during the day, so he feels like he deserves to rest now & enjoy his evening. Which he does.
But don't I deserve to rest too? When does Mommy get to nap?
So I'm frustrated. How do you tell someone who works really hard that you need more from them? That you need their HELP?
So I'm frustrated. And lonely. And ready to throw in the proverbial towel.