Do I need to leave my job?

I'm so ticked off I can't think straight, and so am coming here to write it out.

After two promotions at my current job, I now have the title of Associate.

For the past eight years, I have been handling responsibilities for my division that I knew for a fact were being done by Specialists (one step above me) and in some cases even Assistant Managers (two steps above me) in other divisions.

I have known this for a fact. I have argued the point on multiple occasions. It's one of the reasons I got the two promotions that I have managed to squeeze out of them. But it was a fight both times.

I was just informed that "management's idea" is that there are some things that Specialists have been doing for 15+ years that they have now decided are really more Associate-level work. So they want to train me to do these things.
But not give me a promotion, or raise my pay.

So for over 15 years these responsibilities have been Specialist level, but now, I can do it.

Of course I can do it. I'm damn good.

It does not mean that the job is no longer Specialist level, it means that I am Specialist level.

I argued that they can't just randomly decide this and give me the job so they can get the same activity done for a lower pay rate. I was responded with an eye roll.

I asked that if they have spontaneously decided that Specialists weren't doing Specialist-level work, then why don't they demote those Specialists down to Associates instead.

I got a heavy sigh and something about how I don't understand how things work.

I do understand. I was hired nine years ago to do data entry & filing. My responsibilities have expanded hundred-fold. More than 75% of my job is now Specialist level work. But instead of promoting me to that level, you are exploiting my abilities so you can get the same job down at a lower pay grade.

From what I was told this morning I am pretty convinced that if I ever want to be taken seriously, if I ever want a promotion, I will need to leave my division, if not my company.

And that sucks.

Huge, Bloated Cow

I am so tired of being fat.

I broke down the other night and started bawling.

I will be perfectly honest: I do not eat as well as I should.

I know that, and I am owning that.

But while my weight is holding steady now, the first two months I adjusted (ie. went off) my meds so we could TTC, I gained 25 lbs in just eight weeks. That's just over 3 lbs a week, on average.

I feel like a huge, bloated cow.

I'm scared to try the shakes again, because it is such a drastic diet, and I had a miscarriage last time I was on them. Sure, it's easy to say they were unrelated, but it scares me to death.

The only medically supervised program I qualify for isn't covered by insurance, and is way out of our price range.

So I'm again, still, just trying to do better. I've been reading a lot about clean eating, and have started taking steps to reduce the amount of chemicals we ingest. And for the past week I've been eating a banana for breakfast, salad for lunch, banana for snack, and smaller portions of a "normal" dinner.

So far, it's resulted in zero weight loss.

I'm just miserable. I hate it. I can't stand the way I look and feel. And I can't help but wonder if I'm going to have to be on meds for the rest of my life just to have any sort of chance at being anywhere close to a healthy weight.

Sad.

It will all work out in the end

"It is not a parent's job to entertain their child" -- Susan Yates

Between that quote, circulating on both Facebook and Pinterest, and this article, which states that "...parents are spending more time with their kids than they did two decades ago." this idea has been on my mind a lot lately.

Truthfully, it's something I struggle with. I think (for me) a lot of it stems from working mom guilt. I feel like I miss so much of Jena's time, that I want to be truly present with her at all times. Really be there, quality time, connecting on her level.

And my housework suffers, and meal preparation suffers, and time with my spouse is lost, and time to pursue my own interest is gone.

But I've always been okay with that.

And still am, to a point.

But lately I've been thinking more and more about whether or not this is best for Jena. Just because she's happier, just because I'm at peace with it, doesn't necessarily mean it is what is in her best interests.

And so I've been trying to redirect some of my time, some of my attention, with the thought that maybe on occasion it's good, not bad, for me to tell her 'no, I can't, I'm busy'. Maybe it's okay for me to do the dishes while she's still awake. Maybe it's good for her to see me working around the house, instead of just waking up to chores being done.

Now, this isn't to say I've never done any work with her around. She's certainly helped me fold clothes, do the dishes, put in the laundry, feed the pets, sweep the floors, etc, etc, etc. in the past. But it's never been my priority. I always put my priority on focusing on her and what she wants to do.

And so now I'm working to shift that focus. To appease my working mom's guilt by telling myself that it really is best for her to see me focus on these other items, even if she's begging me to play. At least once in a while.

Similarly, Jason & I have done a pretty good job of keeping date nights and us-only trips since she was born, but when we're together as a family, the focus is almost exclusively on her, not each other. And maybe that needs to start shifting as well.

And me. My interests. I tried to participate in some of "my" activities after Jena was born, but found it to be too much, overwhelming. And so I still find myself anxious at the thought, but I've scheduled a couple of girls' days out with friends, and I'm seriously thinking about joining a community band in the near future. Because I've been really missing performing lately. There's an ache inside me that misses the music. And so maybe it's time that I make time for that part of me. And yes, I do think it would be good for my daughter to see me perform, to see that Mommy can do other things besides mothering and housework.

It's all a balancing act. One that changes and shifts, morphs along with the passing of time. Maybe I feel that I can refocus because Jena is older. Or maybe it's because my years long struggle with depression & anxiety were clouding my focus before. Or maybe it's because I'm becoming more experienced as a parent.

I suppose the reason doesn't really matter. Only the outcome. And so I shift again. Refocus. Juggle. And see where the balls fall, where things work, where adjustment is needed. And then shift again.

All the while trusting that it will all work out in the end.