Update on Me. And Us.

So, I know you've all been wondering where I've been and have been anxiously awaiting my return.
Or at least that's the story that plays in my head & makes me feel important or something. LOL.

Well, I've been ill. And busy. Okay, started out pretty sick, got better & got busy.

About 10 days ago I developed a sore throat. Within a couple of days it was so bad I couldn't even swallow liquid, and the pain was excruciating. Went to UrgentCare (it was Sunday), and they gave me an antibiotic. But apparently not a good enough one. Two days later my neck & face had swollen so badly that I could barely move my jaw to talk. Last Tuesday morning FireMan drove me to my doctor's office when they opened, and I sat in the waiting room until they could see me (no, I do not recommend doing this).
The doc told me he thought it was an infection in my throat, prescribed me a different antibiotic and some steroids, but also ordered a couple of throat cultures & some bloodwork to try to figure out exactly what was going on.
Just a few hours after starting the new meds on Tuesday, I felt much better and was able to eat my first real meal in days. Then I woke up early Wednesday morning coughing up blood. Yeah, at this point I was pretty freaked out.
Called the doctors' office when they opened, and they were already trying to get the results of my bloodwork. You know a doctor's worried when they get the lab to give them results in a day. Ends up I had a massive bacterial infection in my throat. All other screens were negative. Just the infection. So I continued with the meds they'd given me, and got better pretty quickly. Was even able to enjoy Thanksgiving!

Praise Jesus for good doctors & strong medication!

Thanksgiving was a long day. Always is. Breakfast with the in-laws, then to my aunt's house for lunch.
Friday my mom & I went shopping. We always go out on Black Friday, though it's been years since we've done any doorbusters. It's become a tradition, and to be honest I do it more because it's become a special day with just my mom & me than for any shopping deals or anything. I look forward to it every year, and love spending the entire day with my mommy.
Saturday was spent running errands & doing some housework, trying to get caught up from being sick. Still not there.
Sunday was church, then lunch, more housework, then walking the mall with FireMan & FireGirl. FireGirl was... interesting... Sunday afternoon. From the minute she woke up from her nap she was testing her bounds with us. She's usually such a sweetie, this was quite the change. It was clear she was trying to see what she could get away with, and how far she could push us. Even threw a complete tantrum in the middle of Sears. Screaming, tears, arms flailing, feet kicking... whole nine yards. And the testing kept going right up until bedtime. Luckily FireMan & I are on the same page about these things (usually), and just kept consistently correcting her.

Oh, and somewhere during all that crazy holiday week(end), FireMan & I decided to put an offer on a house. It's down the street from our current home, and is lender owned. Needs a lot of work, but no structural problems. We originally looked at it as a potential for another rental property, but once we got inside, we're strongly leaning more towards moving there, then renting out the house we're in now. Offer should go to the bank today. We'll see.

Well, today is my first day back to work after 10 days off. Needless to say I had over 200 new emails in my inbox this morning, but only seven voicemails on my phone. Taking a quick lunch break now, then back to the grind. Still trying to sort things out & figure out where I am on various projects.

Thanks for checking in, and I'll talk to ya later!

If only it were that easy

I wish it were that easy. I mean, thanks for the advice, but do you really think I never thought to ask for help? That's a little obvious. You don't always get what you ask for.
And what do you do when you feel justified in your request, and he feels justified in saying 'no'? Hence the frustration.

And , yes, I know it's in my hands to reach out and make friends.
But that's not so easy either.
I already feel like my quality time with FireGirl is limited, so now I'm gonna leave her to go out with the girls? or bring her along and have my attention divided? go to a small group at church & put her in the nursery?
I know it's my choice. And I made my choice. To spend the vast majority of what limited free time I have with my daughter. And my husband if he's around.
And I'm proud of that choice. But it doesn't mean that I don't still get lonely at times.

Lonely & Frustrated

My husband is gone all... the... time. And I get lonely.

Right now he's gone 36 hrs, home 36 hrs.
Of course, there's sleep time in there. And the hours that I'm gone to work. And whatever time he wants to spend volunteering with Water Rescue. And helping his dad cut firewood, or whatever. And... I get lonely.

Lately I've been lonely a lot. I dropped Jena off at my parents the other day, and cried on my way home. Why? Because I missed her? Sure. But mostly it was a pity party for myself, because I was going home to an empty house. I was lonely. No one to talk to.

I'm sure the people at Kroger think I'm nuts. When I go grocery shopping with Jena, I talk to her the entire shopping trip. Ask her opinions on things. Just talk.
Why? Because I have more words that are trying to get out of my mouth, and no one to say them to. So I say them to her.
I also talk to Tucker quite a bit. And Tootsie has taken to listening to me in the mornings, while Buddy tends to listen better in the evenings.

Did I mention I'm lonely?

I go to work, where I sit in a corner cubicle. By myself. Today, for instance, in the 20 seats nearest to mine, there are three other people. The closest one two seats away. And all three of them are managers or above, and so have been in & out of meetings all day.
And none of them do what I do anyway. I'm the only administrative specialist in my entire division. I'm also the only "temp". Which means I have no one to commiserate with. No one to talk to. All day. Every day.

Did I mention I'm lonely?

And then I go home, to just me & Jena most nights. And I talk to a 13 mo. And she's a joy. But I'm lonely. And then she goes to bed. And I'm alone. Just me & Tucker. Alone.

Which leads me to the frustration part of this posting.

Between work, and taking care of Jena, and family obligations & such, I struggle to keep a neat house. STRUGGLE. It's a constant battle. And I feel like I get very little support from Jason. Which just makes it worse.

I understand that when he's gone, he works very hard. But I also understand that if they don't have any runs to go on, he gets to nap, or play video games. I have also done the math and figured out that he has more waking hours at home than I do.
So, for example, yesterday he's off. So he watches Jena while I go to work.
Oh, as background, I busted my butt all weekend to get our house clean. Still not done, still not perfect. But cleaner & looking better than it has in at least a year. Seriously. Busted my butt.
So he's off yesterday. And what do I come home to?

Jena's cereal bowl from breakfast still sitting on the couch, where he fed her about 10 hours earlier.
Jason's dirty sweatshirt draped across the couch.
Jena's toys strewn across the living room floor.
Remnants of the crackers that he had given Jena crumbling all over the house.
A half-full sippy cup lodged in a shelf on our entertainment center.
A sink full of dirty dishes.

So what did he do all day? Well, that I don't really know for sure. But he did tell me that he got in a nice 2 hour nap during Jena's afternoon nap.
Nice.
When does Mommy get to nap?

So, I'm frustrated. I so want to scream at him, or throw things, or just go on strike. I feel really unappreciated. I worked my butt off to get that house in order, and in just a few short hours come home to a mess. Nice.
Oh, and did I mention that once I'm home, he considers himself "off"? So now that I put in 8 hrs at the office, and come home, he gets to watch TV, play on the computer, or otherwise relax, while I have to make dinner, do dishes, tidy up the house, try to get some laundry done, bathe Jena, feed Jena her dinner & snack, get Jena's clothes ready for the next day, and do all of this while Jena hangs on my legs and Tucker winds himself around my feet. And Jason sits there.
Nice.
But I do get his point of view as well. He's been gone for 36 hours, then watched Jena during the day, so he feels like he deserves to rest now & enjoy his evening. Which he does.
But don't I deserve to rest too? When does Mommy get to nap?

So I'm frustrated. How do you tell someone who works really hard that you need more from them? That you need their HELP?

So I'm frustrated. And lonely. And ready to throw in the proverbial towel.