I'm Gonna Miss This

http://www.mycharmingkids.net/2010/01/im-gonna-miss-this.html

"...I'm gonna miss this.
My mind cannot help but wander to those parents who have lost children. What on earth would they not give to hold their children again, even for a moment. I bet they would not complain about having to sing Rock-a-bye Baby one more time. Rather, they would probably give their right arm to sing it ten million times until their voice was hoarse and their eyelids closed in slumber.
And women with empty wombs who long and pray and ache for children? What honor am I doing them if I take for granted the fact that I have children, young children who are begging me to cuddle them, sing to them. I will love those women who long for a baby by loving my babies and not taking them for granted...
I will not wish away their young years, always hoping to get more laundry done or other children dried off. I will relish each kiss, hug and song. I will leave their childhood behind with no regrets, no "I love you" unsaid, no cheek unkissed, no request to "Cuddle wif' me!" turned down. Even as the macaroni flies and the Sharpie stains my table, even when there are midnight wailers and globs of Desitin under my fingernails, I know......I know I'm gonna miss this."

http://www.mycharmingkids.net/2010/01/im-gonna-miss-this.html

I hate being a working mom (VENT)

Hate, hate, HATE it.

Don't misunderstand me. I don't mind working. I don't mind holding down a job, working full-time outside of the home, bringing home a paycheck. What I do is okay, the guys I work with are awesome.

And I love being a mom. LOVE it. Cannot say enough about how rewarding it is.

What I don't like is the balancing act. I hate splitting my time.
I hate leaving FireGirl in the mornings.
I hate hearing about everything she did that day instead of being there to witness it myself.
I hate that I can't find a playgroup to join because they all meet during the workday.
I hate that I can't enroll her in any classes at the YMCA this quarter, because all of the ones for her age group meet during the workday.
I hate that I've already looked at classes & activities for her as she gets older, and 99% of them are during the workday, so my daughter will miss out on these experiences because I have a job.
I hate days like today, where I take a long lunch to take her to the pediatrician, and she gets shots & blood drawn, and is just terribly upset, and then I have to hand her back over & go back to my stupid desk. Why can't I just go home with her & cuddle her all afternoon? My child has just experienced what, to her, is traumatic. And instead of being there with her, her mommy just hands her back over & goes back to work? What kind of a mother is that?!?
This is ridiculous.

I hate that my house is a continual disaster, because I'm going during the day, and I feel so guilty about being gone during the day that during the evenings & weekends I refuse to do housework while FireGirl is awake, so I'm extremely limited on my available remaining time to get chores done. As much has I hate the messy house, I hate not being there more.

I hate that I feel guilty when FireMan & I want to take a vacation, because I'm already gone from FireGirl so much for work, how can I just leave her for days just for fun?!? Wanting to spend time alone with my husband shouldn't make me feel guilty.

I hate being a working mom.

Weeded Out Some Clothes Last Night

I've been putting this off. Weeding thru my pre-pregnancy clothing. But it needed to be done.

We don't have much closet space in our home, so for the past nearly two years (!!) my wearable work clothes have been hanging on a doorknob. First, it was my maternity clothing. Then, it was my post-pregnancy-sized clothing. It was time I accepted my new body.

I didn't get thru all of my clothing, just what was hanging in my closet. I reminisced. I got aggravated. I got regretful.

I reminisced about times that I wore certain outfits. Like the shirt I was wearing when I met DH. Like a blouse that wore at one of my bridal showers.

I got aggravated that I couldn't wear them anymore. I got aggravated at myself that I still haven't lost my baby weight.

I got regretful. I regret not doing more to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I regret not taking better care of myself.

I didn't get rid of everything. In fact, I got rid of far fewer items than I had anticipated. Cheapskate that I am, I worry that when I do finally lose the weight, if I get rid of all of my old clothes, then I'll have to spend $$ on a new wardrobe. I'm too cheap to do that.
My original plan was to keep a few favorite outfits, and get rid of the rest. Out with the old, in with the new.
What ended up happening is that I realized that I liked a lot of those clothes. So I got rid of anything that I wasn't thrilled about, anything that maybe didn't fit exactly right before anyway.

And now I'm back watching what I eat. Back on FitDay tracking my weight & calories. Not thrilled about it, but I feel more.... resolved this time. I feel more ready. And I've accepted in my head that it might take me a long time to lose it all. But the words of my previous family doctor ring in my ears: "the slower you lose the weight, the more likely you are to keep it off". Generally speaking, of course. But still. The last time I had a significant amount of weight to lose, it took me 18 months to lose 40 pounds. But I kept the vast majority of it off until I got pregnant. Some ups & downs, but most of it stayed off for years. So... let's do this.