You're Being a Jerk

Listen, I have a diagnosed metabolic disorder. The short version, as my endocrinologist explained it to me when I was first diagnosed, is that without medication I would not only have to eat a healthy diet, but also work out 8-10 hours per day, every day, in order to maintain a healthy weight. My body is trying to store (ie turn to fat) everything I eat.

For 30 years I'd go on the same diets as my friends and watch them drop 3 sizes as I stayed the same. I'd start running, to see no change. I did Weight Watchers, Slim Fast, NutriSystem, personal trainers, nutritionists - all with no results at all.

So yes, I take what many of you call "weight loss" medication. And I have news for you, it's not an "easy fix". It doesn't mean I'm lazy. It doesn't mean I haven't tried every eating plan, diet, or exercise program out there. It doesn't mean I'm not still trying. It means my body isn't working properly. It means not all bodies are the same and what works for one doesn't work for others.

Do you know what "weight loss" medication does for responsible patients with responsible doctors? It helps their bodies react to food and exercise in a normal manner so they can begin processing foods properly. That's it. So if you are one of those so-called "normal" people, it helps them be more like you, that's it. It doesn't mean they sit around on the couch eating cartons of ice cream while still dropping a hundred pounds.

My pituitary system is "completely out of whack". Besides how this affects my weight, it also means I'm severely deficient in several vitamins, despite how much I intake in my regular diet. Because when your body isn't working properly it's not 100% about intake / burn, it's about getting things to work like they're supposed to.

I'm under the care of one of the top endocrinologists - nay, one of the top DOCTORS, in the region - so I think I'll take his actual vast medical knowledge above your petty judgments, thank you very much.

So stop judging. Shut up about things you don't know anything about. I'm glad diet and exercise alone worked for you. I really am. I'm jealous of you. I'm terribly, terribly jealous of you. But have no idea the journey many of us go on and to assume every fat person is lazy or not trying, or every person who takes a pill to get their system to work properly is lazy and taking the easy way out really just shows how ignorant and judgmental you are more than anything. In short, you're being a jerk.

Today

Today I will remember.

Today there will be times when my breath catches in my chest, when a lump forms in my throat.

Today I will worry about what my daughter will hear at school.

Today I will picture firefighters running into the Twin Towers. I will see my husband's face, and I will mourn those lost.

Today I will look for planes in the sky.

Today I will hold back the tears.

Today you will catch me staring into space.

Today I will remember.

Update on the Baby

So little Jillian is doing well. She's nearly four months old now, laughing and cooing.

We're doing well, but I have to admit there are tons of things you forget about having an infant in the house, especially with more than five years between the two. Plus each kid is different, so in some ways it's like learning all over again.

One thing is sleep. Jena used to go to sleep out in the living room, lights on, television on, sometimes even vacuum on. She didn't care. Jillian, however, needs dark quiet for her to fall into a good sleep. So much so that we transitioned her to the crib for naps much sooner than I'd intended, because she just wasn't getting good sleep being out in the main part of the house during the day.

She's taking 6 - 7 ounces of formula at a feeding, and once she gets a little more steady with holding her head up we'll start her on cereal. She sleeps anywhere from 6 - 10 hours at a stretch at night. The total is usually around 14 hours, but how it's split up varies widely.

I had starting out breastfeeding, and produced significantly more breastmilk than I did with Jena, but my supply dropped off around 7 weeks in, and I eventually stopped breastfeeding / pumping altogether. Pumping for 30 minutes on both breasts to get literally a few drops in the bottom of the bottle just wasn't cutting it.

She's an amazing little girl, and I can't believe God has blessed us again with such an angel.