FireWife

It probably comes off looking like pride...

2012-01-24T12:00:00.000-05:00

... but I swear it's not.

I don't want to apologize anymore. To anyone.

It's not that I think I'm right all the time. Far from it.

It's that I'm tired of always being the one to say I'm sorry.

It just seems like lately - and by lately, I mean for the last few years - it seems like whether I am completely at fault, equally at fault, or a tiny bit at fault, it seems like I am always the one who apologizes, the one who takes the first step, the one who bends first, the one who takes the first effort to makes amends.

Am I talking about my marriage? Yes. I'm also talking about family relationships, friends, even work relationships.

And I'm tired of it.

Yes, I admit that sometimes I'm wrong. And I usually have no problem admitting when I'm wrong. And even if I'm only partially at fault - and let's face it, in most disputes both parties are usually partially at fault in some way - I'm usually willing to accept responsibility for where I have gone wrong, apologize, and try to heal the relationship.

It's just that... well, sometimes the other party has to be the one to say I'm sorry.

Let's face it. Statistically, it's an impossibility that everything is actually my fault.

But for me to be the one that always apologizes first, always takes the initial step to fix the problem in the relationship... well it leaves the impression that I am wholly to blame, and they get off scott free, never having to say "sorry", never having to adjust their behavior, never having to change anything.

So this time... I don't wanna say it. I wanna hear it. And I want it to be sincere.

And yes, I am accepting partial responsibility for the issue at hand. Partial. But I don't wanna say I'm sorry. Not because I don't think I'm at fault, not because I don't wanna accept responsibility, but just because I'm tired of it.

For once, I want the other party to take the first step, to meet me halfway and to get there first, to make the first gesture that they want to repair the relationship.

Maybe it sounds silly. Maybe it sounds prideful. At this point, I don't really care.

It's partially my own fault. I think sometimes I'm too quick to make amends, too quick to try to make nice. Sometimes, believe it or not, I can be a doormat. I don't mean to be. I just like to be nice to people. And I want people to be happy. But sometimes in efforts to make people happy, it seems like I get lost.

And I'm tired of it.

Meet the New Fire Chief

2012-01-20T12:00:00.000-05:00

Yep, we've added to our FireFamily. Meet Chief.

He's an 8 week old shepherd mix we adopted from a local rescue last weekend.

We've been thinking about it for a while. I've wanted another guardian dog to help FireDog (old & blind [Hydrant] and little [Spots] are no help) for a while now, plus both Hydrant and FireDog are nearing the end of their lifespan.

Hydrant is on year 12 of a 10-13 year lifespan, plus us heartworm positive.

FireDog were estimating to be around 11 years old, and should have a 12-14 yr lifespan.

And, personally, I'd rather add a new pup now, then lose one, then lose a dog then have it be like we're trying to "replace" the old one. Does that make sense?

We (okay, mostly me, but I'm a little anxious like that) spent a lot of time thinking about what kind of dog would best fit in our family. And I mean, a lot of time.

Shepherd of some sort was a must. And a guardian-type shepherd (ie. Anatolian, Great Pyrenees, German Shepherd, etc) not a herding type shepherd (ie border collie, cattle dog, etc). Mix was okay, but absolutely no hunting breeds, due to the strong prey drives.

And a lot of other factors. Large size. Longer fur. Puppy. Blah, blah, blah.

We'd been looking for about a month, and decided to stop by this rescue on the way to my parents' house. And there he was.

And he's perfect.

He's living in the house while he's a baby, partially because, well, it's winter and it's cold, but also to properly housetrain him, acclimate him to the cat (ie. no eating cats), acclimate him to playing with a little girl (ie. no knocking over little girls) and basically just learning how to behave.

We've only had him a few days, but so far things are going very well. FireDog has been the slowest to accept the newcomer, but considering he's a guardian dog, it's to be expected. He's been insistent on asserting his alpha status around Chief, which I suppose is normal, but I didn't expect him to do so while the puppy was this young.

What can I say? I've never had a puppy before. Heck, these dogs are my first dogs, and they were FireMan's.

So Chief spends some time outside every day not only for potty breaks, but we also make sure he gets "play time" with the other dogs. Which basically means he plays while they watch him & occasionally give him a good sniff.

When he gets older he'll gradually spend more & more time outside, until he's outside full-time with the other dogs.

Ideally I'd like to eventually have all working guardian dogs, especially if we continue to expand our "flock" as we'd like.

Which reminds me... need to introduce him to the chickens soon (ie. don't eat the chickens).

Anyway, he's very smart, already responding to his name, to "come", "go to bed", "go to your room", and "out".
He's doing fabulously in his potty-training.

Okay, this is my opinion, anyway. And as I stated above, I have absolutely no frame of reference, but... for being so young, and only working on it for a few days... I think he's doing great!

He's brave, seriously - not afraid of anything - which is a little annoying in a puppy, but will be great in a guardian dog.
Very laid back, relaxed. Plays, but isn't crazy hyper or difficult to handle or anything.
Quiet - I hadn't heard him bark at all until last night.

Honestly, in a lot of ways he reminds me of FireDog. Which just tickles me to pieces. I suppose only time will tell, but I even think he looks a lot like a miniature black FireDog.

So there you are. The newest member of this FireFamily. The Chief.

As always, thanks for checking in!

Have you seen my confidence ??

2012-01-19T12:04:00.000-05:00

I can't find it.

As I've been reflecting on years past, in some cases many years past, I can't help but taking note in the difference between my confidence levels then and now.

I used to be so confident in myself. Oh sure, there were moments I doubted myself, certain things I was self-conscious of, but overall? Wow, was I confident.

Now? Not so much.

It's more the other way around. There are moments I feel certain, things I am decisive about, but overall? I am unsure, cautious.

I know when it started. It didn't happen all at once, but was more of a downward spiral. One thing happened, then another, then another... and my confidence was dashed to bits.

Even looking back on it, with many years of objectivity between myself and those events, I think even the most self-assured person would have wavered. Not perhaps as much as I did, but it would have been hard to be unaffected.

And yes, some of that boldness came from lack of maturity. You see, from experience I see how foolish I was to be convinced of successes that would never transpire, I see how naive I was to expect outcomes that were unlikely to occur.

But... oh, how fun was that ride! To attempt things without fear of failure, to go for things I had no business going for, to actually believe I had what it takes.

Thing is, it's a ride I want to be on. Now, can someone tell me where the line is forming? Because I can't seem to find my way back.

I'm blaming sleep deprivation

2012-01-18T12:00:00.000-05:00

My emotions have been on a roller coaster lately.

I have about 10 blog posts rolling around in my head that I need to get written down, most of those regarding my mental / emotional health (past & present).

I wrote a couple of weeks ago about my recurring cough, and this year I've been fighting it for going on... seven weeks? After not being able to sleep in my own bed for about a week straight, I finally gave in and saw a doctor.

They couldn't find anything wrong, big surprise, but were concerned by how long this has gone on so... she's referring me to a pulmonologist, and prescribed me some antibiotics & steroids in the meantime.

I can't get in to see the pulmonologist until February, but the receptionist said that even if my coughing had stopped by then, it wouldn't prevent him from doing a workup and me finally getting a diagnosis, so... I'm good with waiting.

And after finishing the meds, I've managed to sleep 2 of the past 7 nights in my own bed. Not consecutively, but still. So, some improvement anyway.

So... the point of all that is... sleep deprivation.

I'm tired. Very tired.

And not always thinking clearly. And emotional. And not as productive as I maybe could be and definitely need to be.

But I'm very tired.

I'm convinced that if I could just get two, maybe even just one, night of really good, completely uninterrupted sleep - the kind where you can sleep until your body wakes up, not until you get woken up - that would really, really help.

Unfortunately I just don't see that happening any time in the near future.

Someone go take a nap for me, 'kay?

Soon Enough

2012-01-17T12:04:00.000-05:00

I feel like I've been saying this a lot lately.

To FireGirl, who can't wait to be all grown up (already!), when she asks to do something, and I assure her that she will be able to, soon enough.

To a few people, whose current struggles are so familiar to me, when I assure them that this too shall pass, soon enough.

To myself and FireMan, as we pay off debt, as I try to remind us that we will get there, soon enough.

And yes, to myself, when I look at so many things I want to do, then remember the importance of balance, and keep in mind that it will come, soon enough.

It's such a funny phrase: soon enough.

A contradiction of sorts, but containing all kinds of truth.

The words themselves contain both eager anticipation for what is to come, with contentment with where you are now.

Soon enough

In many ways, it's profound.

Soon = before long; in the near future
Enough = adequate for the want or need; sufficient for the purpose or desire

Wow.

It will happen before long, sufficient for the purpose, adequate for the need.

Soon enough.

I think it's something we all struggle with at times, realizing that our timing is not God's timing is not life's timing. Realizing that just because we want something now, doesn't mean that having it now is sufficient for the purpose. Realizing that sometimes it is in waiting that we discover what truly is adequate for our need.

Soon enough.

Such a small, simple phrase yet so big in meaning.

Not Just Another Blog Challenge #18 - Oldest Clothes in My Closet

2012-01-16T12:00:00.000-05:00

I procrastinated on this post for so long because I was determined to include a picture. I've taken several, but they always look so... unflattering. Yuck!

The oldest items in my closet that I still wear are...

a pear of navy blue Eeyore sweatpants (circa 1998-ish)

a gray long-sleeved trumpetline t-shirt, from my days in the college band (circa 1999)

The sweats are still incredibly comfortable, have a couple of small holes, but otherwise have held up incredibly well, especially considering how often I wore them while in college, and that I still wear them now.

Although now I only wear them to lounge around the house, and sometimes to bed.

The shirt is in almost-new condition, also an incredible feat considering its wear. I don't wear it as often as I used to, but for years this was a staple in my wardrobe, as once I graduated from university I still used this long-sleeved tee to layer under short sleeved t-shirts in cooler weather.

So there you have it. My oldest clothes that I still wear. And the last of my blog challenge posts. Hope you've enjoyed them and hope you write a few of your own!

Thanks for checking in!

If you visit my house...

2012-01-15T12:00:00.000-05:00

A few things to keep in mind should you ever choose to visit my house:

There's a good chance my house will not be neat & tidy.
If you choose to come over unannounced, there's a really good chance it won't be neat & tidy.

There will probably be dirty dishes in the sink.
If you choose to come over unannounced, there will probably be dirty dishes on the counter next to the sink.

We don't have curtains on our windows. Any of them. Or blinds. So walk around naked at your own risk.
Wait, if you're there, you're probably there to visit us. So, maybe don't walk around naked at all, 'kay?

We maintain an open-door policy at our house. So if you don't want a preschooler walking in on you while you pee, you should probably lock the bathroom door.

We have three outdoor dogs. They will greet you as you pull up. If you don't want this to happen, you should let us know ahead of time so we can ~~tie them up temporarily~~ make arrangements.

Oh, and Hydrant is losing her vision. And her hearing. So... just watch what you're doing and don't hit our dog, 'kay?

We have one indoor cat. He has long hair. If you're allergic, take your meds before you come. His hair is everywhere.

If a door is closed, don't open it. Since we do maintain an open-door policy, if a door is closed, there's a ~~huge mess in that room~~ reason.

We don't have cable, and only get spotty reception on the 3 local channels we get. Also known as, don't expect to watch the big game at our house.

As a rule, we don't keep pop (ie. soda) in the house. You are however welcome to whatever fruit juice, milk, or in rare occasions sweet tea, we do have. And also, unlimited water. You're welcome.

We don't keep much snack food around either. But we can usually offer you some baby carrots, whatever fruit selection we have that week, and if you're lucky, a granola bar. And ice cream. We do like ice cream, so we should be well stocked in that.

Although if I'm expecting you, I have been known to stock up on snacks & drinks. Because I do try to be a good hostess like that. Emphasize the word "try".

Oh, and going back to the drinks thing, we usually have water for dinner, and it doesn't always occur to us that someone might want something other than water, so if you're coming over for dinner, and you want something other than water, you should probably just bring it, or let us know ahead of time. Otherwise you will be disappointed. (this one from experience)

The chances of FireGirl being there are about 99.9%. So if you're expecting to drop by for some adult time, it's not gonna happen. And if you want my undivided attention for any reason, that's probably not gonna happen either. Not until she gets a lot older anyway.

We live in the country. If you need to drive thru our yard to get out of the driveway, go for it. You won't upset us. Go for it.

We live in the country. It will feel like an eternity on your way out here, but it's really not that far. We're four miles from the nearest town, about 10 from several major highways, and about seven from a major shopping area. It's really not that far. I promise.

All of that being said, you should also know that you will be welcomed. We may even greet you with open arms. We will be glad you are there, and you will be loved.

FireGirl may even put on a performance for you, and FireCat might get brave enough to purr in your ear.

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this post inspired by this post

Christmas with my Family

2012-01-14T12:00:00.000-05:00

My sister and her family ended up not being able to come into town in December at all, so our Christmas season extended into the first week of January!

It was so very, very nice. Their oldest two have grown so much, both out of the house, so it's actually the first time our ENTIRE family has been together in three years! The last time I saw my nephew I was pregnant!

I can't tell you how blessed I felt just to see everyone again. And to see & hear how well everyone is doing.

My nephew is working and going to school, my eldest niece just got accepted into a private college where she plans to double-major, and just got straight As last quarter in high school, while working her first part-time job, and my youngest niece was the star in her junior high school play!

I've known these kids since my sister was their babysitter, before she even started dating their dad. My nephew was just 10 yrs old, and the youngest was only one! I've been their aunt since before I was officially their aunt. But who needs "official" to be family anyway?

I love these kids. I've watched them go thru so much. They've had a rough time of it thru the years. Maybe some time I'll tell you more of their story. Maybe. But they're such good, good kids. And it does my heart so good to see them doing well.

{{ happy sigh }}

Okay, enough of the sentimental rambling. Here are the Christmas pics. Enjoy!

my nephew (the oldest)

youngest niece on the left
FireGirl reading helping hand out presents

I like this pic. Nobody's cheesin' it, but everybody just looks happy.

My mom & her mom

my oldest niece

Dear People-Who-Bought-Our-Old-House:

2012-01-13T12:04:00.000-05:00

I feel really bad about the way we left the house. And I know you were pretty ticked about it. And I don't think you believed my husband when he explained why. And I've felt bad about it for over a year.

So this post is inspired by my need to apologize to you and explain what happened, and since I can't really tell YOU, I'm sending it into the world.

I feel horrible about leaving trash in the house, food in the fridge (which I also sorta regret, because I lost some really nice storage containers), filthy floors, a broken TV in the living room, and much more.

We know it looked awful.

We had planned on moving everything out, cleaning the entire house, and being out in plenty of time for you to move in.

But you see, we closed on our new house the same day, and had nowhere to move our stuff. So, in the weeks leading up to closing on the old house (both houses really), when our realtor assured us that he had a verbal agreement from you thru your realtor that we would have 10 days after the closing to move, we were relieved.

And that's what we planned on. In fact, we planned on being out in 7, giving us a little cushion room, and ensuring that you would have an empty, clean house to move into.

Up until we were actually signing, and the written agreement said we had to be out that day, our realtor still insisted that he had a verbal agreement that we had 10 days, and to not worry about it.

So when we were moving items the evening of the closing, just to get started, and you showed up and then called your realtor to show up, and the three of you glared at us while watching us move for over an hour that night, completely ticked off that we were still there... we had no idea.

And my husband came to talk to you, and you were clearly ticked off, and your realtor said there was no such agreement, and you wanted us out by 6pm... well, in that moment I was ticked at you. "We had an agreement", I thought.

But in the week or so after that I realized that this was just another reason we don't recommend our realtor to anyone, why I stopped talking to him partway thru the process & made FireMan handle everything.

And so that night we called in reinforcements w/ pickup trucks, and busted our butts to get out ASAP. You finally drove away, but we, and our army of family & friend, worked until 2am. And I mean worked. Hard and fast.

And at 2am, we looked around, and said... done.

The place was filthy, we had no time to clean. Our TV got busted in the loading process, we didn't have time to dispose of it, so we left it on the floor.

A day or so later I realized I left all the food in the fridge. In the rush to move it didn't even occur to me to open it & look.

I'm actually quite certain we probably forgot some other items, tucked away somewhere.

Three days later we tried to sneak back to retrieve a rock from our landscaping, one that FireMan had brought to me on one of our first dives together, one he found at the bottom of a quarry and thought was pretty. You saw us, and glared. I grabbed the rock & ran back to the car.

I'm sorry. I really am sorry that we weren't out when you wanted us to, I'm sorry that we left the house in that condition. That was never our plan.

And I know back then you didn't believe us when we told you our realtor had told us you agreed to a later move date, but it's the truth.

And so this is my apology. Take it or leave it as you like, but I refuse to feel bad anymore.

Oh, and I hope the house is working out well for you. It's a good house, it really is.

God bless,
FireWife

First Snow

2012-01-12T12:00:00.000-05:00

It really wasn't that much. This is it. But she was thrilled.

The best part was (apparently), picking up handfuls of snow (and grass, and mud) and throwing (ie wiping) them on Mommy

If we're gonna be friends...

2012-01-11T12:03:00.000-05:00

... you should probably know a few things about me upfront. I'd hate for you to be surprised later, and then have to break off our friendship, and then we're all upset about it and stuff.

So, here, in no particular order, are some things about me that you may (or may not) find to be a dealbreaker:

- I'm a Christian. I believe Christ is the only way to Heaven.

- I have a husband and a kid. They are my earthly priority, and as much as I'd like to spend loads of time with you and give you my undivided attention when they're around, that's probably not gonna happen. At least not until FireGirl is much, much older.

- I'm not a big fan of little dogs. I tolerate them, but they annoy me. Dogs should be big.
    related: I will not treat your dog like a baby. I loves me some pets, but they're animals, not infant humans.

- My memory is not good. I blame a lingering "mom-brain". Or my advanced age. If only I could remember when it started... The point is I may completely blank out on important stuff... like your name... even if I've known you for years. Sorry.

- I don't like beer. At all. Nor do I plan on drinking a beverage until it "grows on me" as some have suggested. I'm not sure why this bothers some people, but it does. I find all beer yucky.

- I'm slightly OCD. And by "slightly" I mean I'm OCD but I do a pretty good job of not letting it affect those around me. Unless you're my husband. Or my daughter. But I will straighten the towels in the bathroom. Yes... your bathroom.

- I have a strange need for air. Which shouldn't seem weird, but apparently I need more air flow than most. Or at least, more than my husband. But I actually get physically ill if there's not enough air circulating so I tend to do things like turn the air up in the car and/or roll down a window, even if it's cold. I just need air, 'kay?

- I don't like to dance. Inviting me to anywhere-that-requires-dancing is basically asking me to stand against a wall for extended periods of time. Sometimes I'm okay with that, but I am not okay with you guilting me to join you on the dance floor.

- I'm a night owl. I am actually most productive between the hours of 10pm & 2am. Except I have a job now, and a kid. So having fun between those hours doesn't happen much anymore.
    related: I am not a morning person. I am grumpy and unreasonably hateful when I first wake up. You're better to leave me alone until I've warmed up to the day.
    related: I hate coffee. Even flavored coffees. I've tried the "sweetest" (using that term loosely), and it's still way too bitter for me.

- I tend to run late to things. Especially things that are scheduled in the morning (see above). Even things I think are important. I never used to, and have psycho-analyzed why I can't seem to be on time now, but that's much longer than will fit in this post.

- I don't like seafood. Unless you count canned tuna. But most people don't. I also don't like oriental food (Chinese, Thai, Japanese, etc). I've found a very few items that I like in those cuisines, but not enough for me to pay for an entire meal that I'm not likely to eat. So if you plan on eating there a lot, I'm out.

- I have a 1st shift, 9-5ish job. This means that no, I cannot meet you in the middle of the week in mid-morning. If you wanna get together, it'll have to be an evening or weekend.

I think that completes the list. Well, the list of things I can think of right now that some people might be disturbed to realize later. I'm sure there are other things about me that might annoy the heck out of you as well, but I guess those we'll just have to wait to stumble upon later.

As always, thanks for checking in!

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This post inspired by this post.

I Miss Eleventeen

2012-01-10T12:05:00.000-05:00

FireGirl's teacher informed us that she's very smart. She even counted to 10 correctly all by herself.

Me: "Yes, she's been doing that for a while"

Teacher: "But she did it all by herself!"

Me: "Yes, she's been doing that for about a year."

Teacher: "All the way to 10!"

Me: "Uh huh"

See, one of the issues with FireGirl being shy, is that people tend to not believe me when I tell them that she does these things. Because even though she's been doing them for us for over a year, her teacher is happy just to hear her speak, so thinks this is like a whole new thing.

This... happens.

This... is probably going to continue to happen.

Whatever. She's shy. It's who she is. No biggie. To us anyway.

But back to eleventeen.

FireGirl has indeed been counting correctly to 10 for well over a year. Definitely before her 2nd birthday. She's been working on getting to 20 for a while.

"1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14...16...18...eleventeen...20 !!!"

Every. Single. Time.

No matter how many times we corrected her, said it for her, with her, showed her the numbers. She gets to 14, then takes off. And that elusive eleventeen, that so many of us never find, well my FireGirl knows right where it goes... right before TWENTY!

She always says TWENTY like it's a major accomplishment, a celebration. And it is. And every. single. time. we always laugh and celebrate. And when I correct her, and she listens.

But eleventeen persisted. Had for... at least six months or more.

Her new class at school is fantastic, as is her new teacher. And I know that even though she didn't seem to believe me, that the teacher sees FireGirl's potential. Because she's also told me that she's already letting her do exercises that the "big kids" (ie. 4 yr olds) do (one of the pluses of Montessori education). And FireGirl can do them just fine. So I know she does see her potential.

Which means that FireGirl will be counting to 20, correctly, in no time.

In fact, our precious eleventeen has already disappeared.

And I know once she correctly gets to 20 I will be one very proud momma, but I still, most definitely, will miss our eleventeen.

Wilderness to Road

2012-01-09T12:00:00.002-05:00

For too long I had wandered in this wilderness; dodging branches, trudging thru weeds, trying to find my way.

For too long I had found path after path, hopeful that it would take me where I needed to go, only for it to lead to yet another dead end, another thorny bush, another muddy creek.

For too long I had felt alone in these woods, wondering when, and sometimes if, I would ever find my way to the road that would take me home.

And all this time I had wandered alone, I pictured him knowing exactly where he was going.

I had no idea he was in a different wilderness of his own, just out of sight.

For too long we wandered alone, together.

There were so many moments, high with optimism, when I would see the sun's rays breaking through the dead and bare tree branches ahead of me, lighting up what surely must be an opening that would lead me to the road home.

Yet every time I reached the clearing, it proved to be just that: a clearing. A welcome rest, indeed, but not the way out. Just a sunny, open meadow surrounded by more forested hills, more wilderness to work through, more paths to decipher, negotiate, and be disappointed by.

Until...

Until that one fateful turn, when I saw the Light, and I wanted to go, but having faced disappointment so many times before I hesitated, I waited, I thought about it.

I stared at that Light so long I knew every ray's path through every branch by heart.

And then I decided to take yet another chance, yet another leap of faith. And I tentatively, anxiously walked slowly toward the Light.

And this time, this time, when I walked free of the treeline, my eyes saw but one thing, for there he was, just across from me, looking around as he emerged from his own wilderness.

Our eyes met, and we stared at each other from a distance. Yet in what seemed like an instant we were together, face to face, hand in hand.

Our wastelands behind us, we stood in the Light, tired and muddy, hungry and thirsty, but both of us finally free from the years of struggle we'd suffered through.

He looked down at me, his eyes full of love like I had never seen, as we pledged to continue on this journey together, as we promised to one other that we would, together, find the road home.

There are times in our lives when it seems like the minutes are ticking by at a snail's pace. There are other time's in our lives when it seems like the hours have become seconds. Wilderness feels like a snail. The road? It's like riding a rocket to the Heavens.

In what seemed like just a moment's time we went from wandering in separate wildernesses, to riding on the freeway.

We're coasting now, flying along at record speed.

If you've ever been lost in the woods, you know that there's a comfort that comes when you find the road.

We're not sure exactly where this road is leading, but we do have the Map.

We know where we've been, and we know where we are. The restlessness of wandering is gone. Just waiting for Someone to tell us our destination.

Aren't we anxious, not knowing the destination?

No. We know Who built the road. We know Who wrote the Map. And we know which road we're on.

It's good. Life is good. Love is good.

God is good.

As always, thanks for checking in, and God bless.

Christmas Morning

2012-01-08T12:00:00.000-05:00

she got her parrot pillow!

Daddy modeling the shirt FireGirl picked out for him

the best Christmas morning face EVER!

Haters

2012-01-07T12:00:00.000-05:00

Were you aware that there are people out there who spend copious amounts of time trying to drag other people down?

Oh yes, this happens in real life, but it also happens online.

And this baffles me.

I have read myself posts on message boards saying "oh, this person's blog is awful for reason A,B, or C, you all should hate it too"

And people will spend all kinds of time going to that blog, leaving negative comments, telling everyone how ridiculous that person is, etc.

Some people take it even farther. Sometimes, there are blogs or websites set up to post negative information about another blog or website.

And I'm not talking about company sites, news sites, etc. Sites where there are concrete facts available to credit or discredit someone's statements.

I'm talking 90% he-said-she-said, opinions flying, very little (if any) credible information.

No, this isn't happening to me. But thanks for thinking I'm popular enough to draw such attention, LOL.

But it has happened, and does happen.

And I don't understand it. For several reasons.

Firstly, in every case that I've seen personally, the blogs being criticized also participate in programs that pay them by the view. Which means that every time you go to their site to read stuff you don't wanna read, every time you send another person there to criticize what you don't like... you're paying them.

Don't you understand that? In fact, in one of the cases where I saw it posted on a message board, I ended up liking the blog, and was a regular reader for about a year. I'm sure I wasn't the only one. So by sending me there, you not only gave her a one time hit, you gave her regular hits for about a year.

Good job. You just gave free advertisement to the person you're trying to tear down, and are essentially responsible for supporting them. Brilliant.

Secondly, I don't understand people who have large amounts of time to dedicate to negatively attacking another individual, who they most likely have never met in person.

I, personally, just don't have that kind of time on my hands. Plus, I'd rather dedicate my time to following, reading, and responding to something that I enjoy, not something that I have such strong negative feelings about that I feel the need to react harshly.

I just can't fathom spending the time & energy that some people do into attacking someone else on a personal level. I mean, just from a selfish level, doing so means that you are choosing to immerse yourself in negative emotion on a regular basis.

I just don't understand why someone would do that.

If I don't like a blog or website - either because it just doesn't click with me, or because I actually am opposed to something they are saying or doing* - I don't go there anymore.

It's a wonderful tool, that button on your mouse. Click away from the site you don't like!

Not only does it keep you from continually placing yourself in a position of conflict, it also decreases their views, decreasing whatever revenue they might get from hits.

Plus, you aren't bringing anyone else down with your actions!

It's a win-win-win situation!

This post doesn't really have a point. It's just something that I've come across several times over the past few years, and something that baffles me every. single. time.

I just don't understand it at all.

Thanks for checking in!

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* this is not to say that I don't read blogs of people who disagree with me. In fact, some of my favorite blogs thru the years have been written by bloggers who have viewpoints vastly different from my own. And when they handle themselves with grace & tact, it can be a beautiful thing to open yourself to listening to people who think differently than you

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this post has been stewing around in my brain for a while, but really leapt to the forefront when reading this post

Fire Department Christmas Party (aka our best pics w/ Santa)

2012-01-06T12:00:00.000-05:00

My Venture into Direct Selling

2012-01-05T12:01:00.000-05:00

So, I've mentioned in a couple of posts how I decided to try a new activity that would hopefully add a tiny bit of income as well.

That's right, I became a direct seller.

Specifically, I became a consultant for ThirtyOne.

If you're not familiar with ThirtyOne, they sell purses, totes, & storage items via in-home parties. Their name comes from Proverb 31 , the description of the virtuous woman who not only takes care of her home, but also takes things to market & provides income for her family.

I've been buying their products for years, and loved them. Honestly, they cost a little more than I would normally pay, but besides being cute I found their quality to be outstanding, so didn't mind shelling out a few extra dollars for a good quality product.

After about three years as a customer, I decided to talk to my consultant about becoming a consultant myself.

The rest is history.

This is the first time I'd ever done any direct selling business. I never joined ranks with the likes of Pampered Chef, Tupperware, or Mary Kay like many of my friends & family did.

But this was different. It was a product I knew, a company I already believed in, and... well, the low startup cost didn't hurt either.

So... how's it going?

Not as well as I'd hoped.

First of all, like any of these types of endeavours, you get more out of it the more you put into it. And already having a full-time job & struggling to find balance in my personal life... didn't leave me much time.

But FireMan was really supportive, and I had a high-level of interest, so I went for it.

A little too strong maybe.

I offered some incentives out of my own pocket to entice my first few hostesses. And I did get some bookings from that, but barely made enough commission from the parties to cover the incentives I was giving the hostesses.

Overall, right now, I am finally making a profit. After five months. And it ain't much.

But that was my fault, not the company's. Let's be clear about that. A misjudgement on my part.

There's also the fact that in my area, there are sooooo many consultants right now.
I personally know of 12.
I've had quite a few people who I invited to parties or asked if they'd want to host one tell me things like: "I would, but I've already been to six parties in the past four months". And that's a direct quote.
I did a vendor booth at an outdoor event. Mine was one of three ThirtyOne booths.
I had a friend who tried to get me booked as a vendor at a MOPS event, but they already had five ThirtyOne booths booked.

The fact is when you have that many consultants in one area, you're creating an overlap in your potential customer base.

It does say something for how successful the company has been. They've grown by leaps & bounds over the past year or so.

And I hear that the farther out West you go, the fewer consultants there are available. For example, my sister in Iowa had never even heard of the company until I told her what I was doing.

But I digress...

For me, an introvert with a strong heart for customer service, direct selling is incredibly stressful.

Being an introvert means that just being around groups of people tends to wear on me. Yes, even when I'm having fun at a ThirtyOne party.

So now picture putting that person in front of a group of people. I actually enjoy doing the parties, but they do wear. me. out. I come home after a couple of hours at a party I enjoyed more exhausted than after 8+ hours at a job I could take or leave.

I've had two customers that had problems w/ their orders. Okay, one created her own problem, but... being the customer-service oriented person that I am, I stressed about making her happy.

Can I stress the word "stressed"?

I know this isn't gonna make much sense to some of you, but my point is that as much as I enjoy direct-selling, it also really stresses me out.

So now I'm at a crossroads. There's so much of it that I really enjoy, including the parties, and I even enjoyed sitting at a vendor booth for 10 hours in the heat. No lie, I really did. But there's also those parts that stress me out, like the whole interacting with people thing. So I'm at a point where I'm trying to decide if I enjoy it enough to make it worth the stress that I feel.

At this point, I think I really need to point out that my stress comes from my introvert nature, and my social anxiety. It's a me issue, not an issue with ThirtyOne as a company. Basically, introverts probably have no business selling anything, and people with social anxiety have no business presenting items to a group of strangers.

And how something I enjoy can stress me out so much, I have no idea. It's a paradox, I suppose.

I've already agreed to donate an item & a portion of profits to a non-profit fundraiser in February, and have a family member who wants to have a party in March, so I guess I don't need an answer before March.

We shall see...

What about you guys? Have you ever tried direct-selling? How'd it work out for you?

Visit to Southern Lights

2012-01-04T12:00:00.000-05:00

FireGirl thought this was the best

She picked riding a camel over a pony. She did great!

Mourning the Child that Never Was

2012-01-03T12:02:00.000-05:00

No, I'm not talking miscarriage. Firstly, because, as anyone who's had a miscarriage will tell you, that child was. Secondly, because I have thus far been blessed in that I have never personally experienced a miscarriage.

What I'm talking about, well, I've never heard anyone talk about. But I know I've felt it, and I think anyone who tried to conceive (TTC) for any amount of time at all has probably felt.

You see, twice in my life I thought I was pregnant... but wasn't. I mean, really really believed I might be pregnant.

The first was a few years ago. Quite frankly, looking back, I was rather naive about it all. But I was having mad mood swings, hunger like I've never experienced, dizziness, and some other symptoms that led me and my boyfriend at the time to start thinking I might be pregnant. The more they went on without subsiding, the more we believed I was. Both of us. We made plans.

Then came time to test, and it was negative.

He was relieved. I was devastated.

I didn't expect to be that upset, or upset at all. The timing was awful, I was not ready, we were not ready, just supporting ourselves and a child would have been difficult. In all practical and logical ways, a negative result should have been a good thing.

And I thought it would be. But when I saw that I wasn't pregnant, my heart sank, I couldn't speak, I wanted to cry. I still remember sitting on the floor of my bedroom trying to put on a happy face while he rejoiced. After all, me being sad didn't make sense.

But I was. Terribly, terribly sad.

Anyone remember that episode of Friends when Rachel is taking the test to see if she's pregnant? And Phoebe initially tells her that it's negative to see how Rachel really feels? Yeah... kinda like that.

Only real life. And it really was negative.

And I was sad.

The second time was a couple of months ago.

No, we're not trying. Ironically, the only two times I thought I was pregnant weren't while TTC.

But for two weeks I had several of the same "signs" that I did during my first trimester with FireGirl. And I didn't have my usual PMS symptoms (fatigue, hunger, and bloating), and then... my period was 4 days late. And seeing as how I'm on thePatch, my periods tend to be about as regular as they come. Four days is a big deal.

I'd already started worrying how to tell FireMan, seeing as how he doesn't want more kids. Decided I would wait until day 6 (the day before I put on the next Patch) to actually test, mentally preparing for the positive. Because... what else could it be? I really, really thought I was pregnant.

And yes, I know statistically it was highly unlikely, but we all know I'm good with the one-in-a-million thing happening to me, right? Besides... I was four days late, plus all of the symptoms... I mean, really? Who wouldn't at least wonder, right?

But then Aunt Flo showed up. Four days late, but with all her glory.

And I was sad. Really sad.

And I finally told FireMan, and he just blew it off like it was nothing.

I don't think this is an emotion men understand.

But I have a friend who is TTC, and after 7 months, this month, she really thought was the month. She really, really did.

But it was negative. Again.

And she is really, really sad.

Not the same kinda sad the previous 7 months of not conceiving, but a different kind of sad.

Because this time she really thought there was a teeny tiny baby growing inside of her. Much like I did. Much like many of us do at one point or another. And finding out that there wasn't... deals a hard blow. It really does.

It's a different kind of sad. And I don't know how to express it, other than to say that it's a type of mourning, a mourning the loss of a child that never was.

Yes, mourning seems a bit strong, and I mean no disrespect to those who have lost a child, I just don't know any other word to express that type of emotion, that sense of loss. It's not as great, of that I am certain, but it's still there.

And nobody talks about it. Which makes us feel alone. Even though I suspect my friend & I aren't the only ones. I suspect it's actually a fairly common emotion, especially among those who are TTC, or have been TTC for a long time. So I decided to talk about it.

What say you, blog world?

Christmas Parade

2012-01-02T12:00:00.000-05:00

Update on Financial Peace

2012-01-01T12:03:00.000-05:00

So, as I told you earlier, we're taking Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University thru our church.

And things are going very well.

Baby Step 1: $1000 emergency fund is complete. That wasn't too difficult, since we still had some in our regular savings, but we opened up a separate account at my work's credit union specifically for our emergency fund, added to our savings, and... done.

We felt like having it in a different account, at this small credit union, makes it a little less accessible. Still available at any time if we need to get it, just not as convenient as having it at the same big-name bank as the rest of our accounts.

Baby Step 2: pay off all consumer debt (except the house) is well under way. We've paid off our TV (old one damaged beyond repair in the move) and our couch & loveseat (old ones literally falling apart) a few months earlier than we thought we'd be able too.We have two more small debts remaining before we start tackling the big guns.

FireMan has been picking up some overtime at the firehouse temporarily to give us some extra $$ to put towards our debt. With the recent holidays, plus various hunting seasons in the late Autumn, there have been plenty of guys looking for someone to cover a shift.
The double-shifts are tough on all of us (when he does a double he's gone around 58 hours at a stretch, home for 12 hours, then gone again), but we feel good knowing that it's temporary and is putting our family in a much better position financially.

I've also been able to bring in a few extra dollars, but not much. Overtime has been denied by my boss repeatedly, and a second job isn't really feasible, especially with FireMan working overnight. Someone does have to stay home with FireGirl, you know.

I have to admit, I hate doing our monthly budget. But I like the results. Because FireMan's income varies slightly depending on how his shifts fall, we budgeted low for our regular income, then we make a plan for where any additional income will go.

For November, the top three were Christmas, Car Insurance (so we can save $100+ by paying in one lump sum), and our lowest credit card bill.

After initial Christmas shopping, I told FireMan I would really like to increase our Christmas budget if we can, so for December our #1 was again Christmas, followed by the building fund at our church, then our lowest bills.

Not sure Dave would agree totally, but we're in agreement as a couple, so that's good.

Since November's our only complete month, I can tell you we actually came in under budget (our regular, low-estimate income). We were shocked. But it allowed us to make an extra payment towards our debt. Yay!

December the only area I'm a little worried about is gas. We came in under in November, but we have no control over the price, and with the holidays we've done more driving than usual. I'm quite sure we didn't budget enough.

One thing that is super-sweet is that when we did our initial budget for November, FireMan refused to take out me getting my hair done (cut + color), even though I had. I eventually convinced him I was okay with it, and insisted that we had more important things to budget for right now.
Then in December he said maybe we should take part of our snowball from paying of our first two debts, and let me get my hair done. I told him 'no', that we had more important things to do, and I would eventually be able to get it done again. That I'm okay with it. He said he just thought I probably wanted to get it done before the holidays.

It just took me by surprise that he's thinking of me, and wanting to put money aside for me to get my hair done! Major brownie points there, FireMan!

Besides our monthly budget meetings to set up the budget for the next month, we also decided to have weekly budget meetings. I think for us, with us being apart so much on a regular basis, these checkpoints are important to keep us on top of things. Especially since we have to split our allotted funds to accommodate him being at the fire house and me being here.

Oh, and our Christmas lists were really boring this year

We had a few practical items on our lists, things we actually need / could use (ironing board cover for me, new jeans for him, wall mount for the TV for the family), plus lots of gift cards (Kroger, Walmart, Home Depot, Lowe's, etc). The idea behind the gift cards being that either we can pay for the next home renovation project, or that we can use them to buy groceries, then use our grocery money for that month to make an extra payment towards our debt.

Even FireGirl's list is boring. She kept asking for clothes & shoes! Geez! The girl's only three and she wanted clothes for Christmas! Part of me feels bad for "only" getting her clothes & shoes, but she did just have a birthday, plus that's what she asked for (yes, we got her a few toys & books as well, but mostly clothes, since that's what she wants).

Anyway, just wanted to update you on how we're doing, and the answer is... great! Thanks for checking in!

At the Gate of the New Year

2011-12-31T12:00:00.001-05:00

And I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year: “Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown.”

And he replied:
“Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the Hand of God. That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way.”
So I went forth, and finding the Hand of God, trod gladly into the night.

-- taken from the poem "God Knows" by Minnie Louise Haskins (1908)

She is an Individual Worthy of Being Noticed

2011-12-30T12:02:00.000-05:00

Kids.

Children.

Wee ones.

People.

One thing I've noticed since I became a parent is how many people dismiss FireGirl because she's a child, because she's small, because she's "too young".

She is a child, she's small, and she's young. But she's still a person.

She has feelings, ideas, thoughts, needs, wants... she's a person.

And as a person, she's entitled to a little bit of respect, a little bit of acknowledgement, understanding, compassion.

She doesn't deserve to be ignored because she's young, she deserves to be listened to, recognized, and tended to because she's young.

It amazes me how many people don't even seem to see her, I mean really see her, as her own individual.

As soon as she could talk, she'd repeat things to me that she "wasn't supposed to hear" from others. Although I can't figure out how she wasn't supposed to hear them, since she was in the same room when they were having the conversation.

Now, at age three, she is intelligent, bright, and more than able to carry on a conversation. Her speech is clear. She talks in full sentences. She wants to tell you things, wants to engage with you.

Yet all too often her conversations with other adults go something like this:

FireGirl: "Guess what?"

Adult: "Yes, it was good to see you today"

FireGirl: "Guess what?!?"

Adult: "It sure was neat to get to see your chickens"

FireGirl: "GUESS WHAT?!?"

Adult: "I had a really good time too."

FireGirl: "You are not listening to me"

Adult: "Your shirt looks really pretty too"

That's a paraphrase composite of conversations I've heard my daughter have all too often.

Her speech is clear, not just to me as her mommy, but her teacher confirms that her speech is the clearest of all her age in class (goodbye speech delay!).

She clearly has something she wants to share with these people, something important to her, and they don't even hear her. It's as if they can't fathom that someone so young would have ideas of their own, would be able to carry on a conversation, would be deserving of their attention, would need you to engage with them.

It happens far too often.

And as her mother, it angers me.

I've seen it too many times. I've tried to gently bring to the adult's attention what they were doing, but to no avail.

It happened again at Christmastime. Her Christmas list consisted of a parrot pillow and clothes. That's it. Oh, I threw in a few other toys for good measure that I thought she'd enjoy, but time & time again some adult would tell me that FireGirl "didn't really mean it", that surely she wanted more toys, or books.

I'd tell them to ask her what she wanted for Christmas. They would. She'd say "parrot pillow and clothes". They'd giggle and shake their heads as if she were being silly, then ask me to find out what she really wants and let them know.

Because clearly my child must not have thoughts of her own, must not know what she really wants, must need an adult to guide her to the toy aisle.

My child has no problem finding the toy aisle, thankyouverymuch.

She just really wanted clothes. And a parrot pillow. Period.

Oh sure, none of these are major issues. Restaurants in our area have yet to ban children. Nothing like that. But thousands of little incidents, telling FireGirl that she is insignificant, that her thoughts don't matter, that she is not as important as others... they add up.

She is young, and she is learning, and she is soaking this all in.

And I will do what I can to let her know that she is important, that her ideas do matter, that her opinions count, that she is an individual that is worthy of being noticed. I will do what I can to off-set what she absorbs from these others. I am her mother, and I will do my best to instill in her a sense that she matters.

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This post inspired by another blogpost

Squeezed in Another Trip to the Park

2011-12-29T12:02:00.000-05:00

And well worth it.

One of her latest discoveries... sliding down on her belly

She found 2 sticks and turned this piece of equipment into a percussion instrument.
Each level of rungs made a different sound. It was awesome.

it's a bird... it's a plane... it's SuperGirl !!

She's also discovered how fun it is to make the swings twist

performing for Mommy at the ampitheatre

the four-leafed clover I found while watching her perform for me
Why yes, it was a lucky day, wasn't it?

so this is what balace feels like

2011-12-28T12:04:00.000-05:00

I like it.

Our family finally feels balanced. For probably the first time since FireGirl was born.

Don't get me wrong, part of me hates putting it that way, because it sounds like we're blaming her or something, but that is totally not the case.

It's just that we had a harder-than-most time adjusting to the change in our lives, didn't always react to the change or each other properly, fought thru the mire of PPD, still dealing with PP-PTSD, went thru a few personal & family crises, rustled up a fair amount of marital issues, and... were just incredibly unbalanced, pretty much from the beginning.

Until now.

FireMan & I had this discussion a few weeks ago, how peaceful our home is, how serene we are individually, how balanced we both feel.

And it's not just me.

a.k.a. - I'm not the only one that was going crazy.

He openly talked about how he feels the difference as well, and the word balance just kept creeping into our conversation.

I've made a conscious effort to tame the crazy by being still more often. And while the housework at times suffers more than it did in the past, the truth is not by much, and not by enough to off-set the positive changes that this has bestowed upon me and my family. A calmer mommy, more time to really be with each other... balance.

FireMan cut back a little on his volunteering, took over one of the household responsibilities that I was previously doing, made some other personal changes that I won't go into here, and has been helping out more with FireGirl. Balance.

FireGirl, well, she's just awesome as is, and her harmony in life tends to feed off of what's going on in her parents' lives, so... balanced.

This balancing act though, it's a process. FireMan picks up some overtime to ease our financial burden... we re-adjust. I pick up an activity in the hopes it will ease our financial burden... we re-equalize. Holidays come along, our schedule gets over-burdened... we level it up. Balance.

I've been tempted to get back to volunteering again, get back to some community activities, something I gave up in the months after FireGirl was born in an effort to keep from being too overwhelmed by obligations. But... not yet. This being balanced thing is new for our family, and I'm not rocking the boat just yet.

Balance. It may be an ongoing process, but it sure does feel good when you get there.

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree...

2011-12-27T12:03:00.002-05:00

FireGirl helped me decorate the tree this year. Also known as, wouldn't-it-be-great-if-all-the-ornaments-were-in-one-spot. I "fixed" it after she went to bed that night. But not before I snapped a couple of pics.

Add caption

you can't tell because they're flat, but the snowmen are actually stacked together.
There's about 10 in this picture.

Well Hello, Cold-Air-Induced-Cough-Variant-Asthma...

2011-12-26T12:07:00.000-05:00

... or whatever it is you actually are.

But cold air induced, cough variant asthma is the best diagnosis any doctor, other person, or internet has ever given me. Suggested by a co-worker, I spent way-too-much time trying to find information on the internet. There wasn't much. But it's a much better fit than the "I don't know" that most doctors have given me.

Every winter I have severe coughing fits. Severe as in people who aren't familiar with them will ask me (seriously) if I need them to call for help, or if I am dying.

For me, they are just a part of life. See, I had my first major coughing fit when I was nine months old. I was hospitalized for it, before given a diagnosis of bronchitis, a diagnosis that would follow me for the rest of my life, but that I no longer believe to be accurate.

These fits start right about the first cold spell of the year, and end with the last. I mean, I don't have them every single day of the winter, but... enough.

The longest run that I remember was the year in my early 20s when they started in September and lasted thru March. That was a rough year.

And this happening-during-the-winter thing resulted in me being wrongly diagnosed with an allergy to "furnace dust" (whatever that is) for several years when I was a child. Although I see why it sorta made sense - they started about the time the furnace had to be turned on, and stopped right about the time it got warm enough to turn it off.

During my school days I usually ended up missing at least a week-ish of school during the winter months, but it was really more due to exhaustion than the actual coughing, as to get any sleep at all I have to sleep sitting up, which isn't truly restful, and after doing that for weeks... well, something's gotta give.

And that's where I found myself about a month ago. In the middle of my first coughing fit spell of the year, I spent four of the five nights sleeping sitting up in the recliner. And ready to pass out by mid-afternoon. It's exhausting.

But I digress. I do continue to work (in [many] years past school), as my parents came to realize early on that whatever this is, doesn't appear to be contagious, as no one, no one, around me has ever gotten it, including family or close friends. Ever.

And since I went to the same fairly small school for K thru 12, it means that the staff was fairly familiar too, so no one ever tried to send me home. At least not that I recall.

What it does mean though, is that throughout the winter months, if I happen to catch so much as a sniffle, I'm done for. For weeks. So yes, I am that person that gets really annoyed when people come to work snotting all over telephones and door handles. Because your minor cold will set me back for weeks.

Anywho... asthma does run in my family. Like, the normal kind anyway. So the asthma thing does kinda make sense. And having had pleurosy twice during frigid winter months and being told that my lungs are sensitive to cold air and I should make sure I'm breathing through a scarf when walking in freezing temperatures... well, that seems to back up the cold-air-induced thing. And clearly it would have to be cough-variant, as the only sort of wheezing involved is when the coughing fit lasts so long that I am sucking in air to fill my lungs back up.

Random, but have you ever coughed so hard that your body bends into itself, so when the coughs repeat you almost look like you're having some weird seizure? No? Just me? Moving on then...

Oh, and while advice is appreciated, because I understand their good intentions, telling me to take cough syrup or Nyquil... well, I mean... c'mon, do you seriously think that in 34 years I never thought of that? The fact is that cough suppressants of any type have minimal, if any, effect. Honestly I'm better off taking a sleeping pill to get some rest, than trying to contain the cough at all.

But, in reality, the fact is that I am blessed. Oh sure, this really sucks. But at the same time, like I mentioned before, for me it's really just a way of life. The only time it really sucks is when people stare at me, or when it truly interrupts others' lives, like my family.

But luckily my husband and my daughter both sleep like rocks. So that's not really an issue most of the time. And all of my family, and friends who have been around long enough, realize what it is and how to ignore it because no, I am not gonna die. And most of my co-workers have been there long enough to realize that not only am I not contagious, it sounds worse than it is, and no, I am not gonna die.

So, for the most part, it is simply an annoyance for me for a few months of the year. And an occasional embarrassment, when I come across someone who is not familiar with my condition (whatever it actually is).

The only thing I do worry about is FireGirl. It appears that she has inherited this condition (whatever it really is). The good thing is that for her, it appears to be much better controlled when we keep the temp in the house at least 72 degrees during the winter months. Which is much warmer than we did before she came along, and raises our heating bill a bit, but well worth it.

Of course, that only adds to the cold-air-induced theory, doesn't it?

So that's that. And now you know a little bit more about me. Thanks for checking in.

Thanksgiving with My Family

2011-12-25T12:02:00.000-05:00

After breakfast with the in-laws at a restaurant, we headed to my aunt's house in Ohio for lunch, lounging, and dinner with my family. It's an all-day affair, really.

my grandma, 2nd cousin (from Georgia), mom, and aunt

ever played tug-o-war with a cat? It's fun. Apparently.

my cousin, his wife, and their youngest

my brother & his wife

my mommy again

FireGirl

my cousins

chatting in the kitchen

my brother & parents

Product Review: Cerra Mood Shift Kit

2011-12-24T12:00:00.001-05:00

A few weeks ago I was given the opportunity to try cerra's Mood Shift Kit.

The kit contains three sets each of scent cards, lotions, and teas. Each set represents a different mood that you are hoping to increase in your life.

In the spirit of the holiday season I decided to start with gratitude.

Each item in the kit comes with instructions on how best to use the product. In my opinion, the meditative reflection suggested with each aspect of the kit are actually the most helpful.

Spending a few moments pondering the mood you are hoping to reflect, as well as what you can do to change your thinking pattern to encourage that positive emotion, and combined with the gentle scents of the products induce a state of relaxation and reflectiveness that are hard to come by, well, at least in my household.

Oh, and it doesn't hurt that the lotion works really well on my dry skin too.

The best part? Sharing with you. From now thru the end of the year my readers can receive 10% off of their purchase by using coupon code: MSKSHARE

Enjoy!

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disclaimer: I received one free Mood Shift Kit to review. All thoughts & opinions posted here are my own, and no additional compensation was received for this review.

Friday Fragments

2011-12-23T12:00:00.002-05:00

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Felt like it was time for another Fragments post, so here it is, ya'll.

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Like every December, life has been crazy busy this past month. Busy, but good. Very good.

I met up with 4 different friends I hadn't seen in a while (on 4 separate occasions), we've had 3 classes, 3 Christmas parties, 1 playdate, 1 band concert, 1 date night, 1 cookie swap, 1 doctor appointment, 1 holiday breakfast, got our family pictures taken, went to a Christmas tree lighting, and went to Southern Lights.

If you add it all up, that's 19 different activities, and it's only the 23rd of the month. There was some overlap on dates, for better or worse.

And that, of course, doesn't include our normal craziness. That's just special holiday craziness, LOL

********************************

FireGirl is still doing very well in school, and has started learning to write (tracing letters). I'm still very impressed :)

*******************************

Potty training still not doing any better. In fact, she's had a few more daytime accidents. I do a lot of laundry.

I started a rule that she has to go 2 nights dry in UnderJams, then she can wear panties to bed. That at least gives me some respite. Plus she gets better sleep because she's not waking up wet.

********************************

The chickens are now outside. Their tractor is wrapped in plastic sheeting to keep out the elements. And we extended the invisible fence wire around them to teach the dogs to leave them alone.

And something (a raccoon?) has already been trying to get to them, and broke the wire in 3 places trying to dig underneath the coop.

Thank goodness for FireDog, or we might have lost some chickens.

*******************************

I want to break FireGirl of her lovey while I'm off between Christmas & New Years. FireMan thinks we should wait until the lovey falls apart and deal with it then.

Part of me thinks he's right.

Part of me thinks when it is time, he's not the one who will be up with her overnight, and then have to try to go to work the next day.

I'm torn.

*****************************

Still working our way thru FPU, and things are going really well. We've paid off two smaller bills (the TV & the living room furniture) sooner than planned, and should pay off two more smaller bills (the hospital bill & my Lane Bryant charge) by the end of this month.

Oh, and while this was the first year we actually set a real budget for Christmas (and tracked it), we're actually gonna end up being under budget, so we've decided to buy small presents for each of our six nieces & nephews, which we don't normally do, and we should still end up under budget. Yay us!

*****************************

Work is going pretty well, minus the database project that never ends, but I'm expecting an increase to my stress-level the first few months of the new year.

And maybe most or all of 2012.

So I'm a little anxious / nervous about work right now.

*****************************

As always, thanks for checking in!

Have a great weekend!

I am a Fire Wife. It's my Life Too.

2011-12-22T12:04:00.000-05:00

So many fellow fire wives have already written about this. Heck, maybe I already have and just don't remember.

So the question / issue is: why do I identify myself by my husband's occupation?

I mean, it's not like the wives of my co-workers go around calling themselves "engineer wife", or my mom ever called herself a "machinist wife", or later a "bus driver wife".

Nope.

The phenomenon seems almost exclusively limited to rescue and military wives. Fire wives. Police wives. Army wives.

I am a fire wife. Why? Because it's my life too.

When we were dating, FireMan was a volunteer firefighter, and a volunteer rescue & recovery diver with the local water rescue team. And that in & of itself creates a level of acceptance and... difference... between your life, even when you are dating, that just isn't "normal"*

* I personally hate the word "normal", but I struggled to find a better word, and I know ya'll know what I mean

Getting paged in the middle of the night, in the middle of our date, was just part of life.

When he applied for, and got offered the job of full-time firefighter (the same position he is in now), and we knew our relationship was headed toward marriage, he respected our relationship enough to sit down with me for "the talk".

I accepted his new position. I was happy for him. I accepted what this would mean for our life together, even if I didn't fully comprehend it. Yet.

The fact is, when he became a full-time firefighter and we moved in together, my life changed too.

No more would my significant other be available every weekend. He would be free every third weekend. And due to Murphy's Law it was likely that Water Rescue would often want him on that weekend.

No more would my significant other be guaranteed to be off every national holiday. In fact, every third year he was guaranteed to work most of them. For all 24 hours, not just the first eight.
My husband would miss Christmases, anniversaries, birthdays.

Near the end of my pregnancy, when I was put on modified bedrest, I would need a backup (my mom) who could stay with me when he was on shift. Because he wasn't just gone during the day. He'd be gone overnight till the next day.

I learn to do things myself, to wrangle the house and a preschooler, and handle things solo. It's what I do.

I am a fire wife.

I attend family events alone. I attend work events alone.

My girlfriends don't understand that just because they schedule a night out during the evening or on a weekend doesn't mean that my husband will be available to watch FireGirl so I can come. In fact, that darn Murphy's Law means that most likely he'll be on shift that very night.

It means that at least a third of the nights* when I come home from work, and a third of the weekends, no, I do not have my spouse to help me with my daughter, help me make dinner, complete household chores, or heck just be there with me. It's just me and her.

* and that doesn't count the extra shifts, the mandatory doubles, the phone calls (like the one I just got) telling me he'll have to stay longer than planned

I am a fire wife.

It also means that the firehouse is as much a second home to myself and FireGirl as it is to FireMan.

It means a wonderful community of people who get you, even when you don't get yourself.

It means knowing my husband's schedule, for the next five years. Even if it does suck.

It means he can take one day off, and actually get five days off (from the fire dept, not including his 2nd job or his business).

It means my husband has learned how to cook for 20+ people, and is actually a better cook than I am (not saying much, but still...).

It means seeing my husband fulfill his dreams, and knowing that I'm a big part of what made that happen.

I am a fire wife.

Yes, it's tough. ~~A lot~~ Most of the time. But there are a lot of good things about it too.

So you see, I call myself a FireWife because it's not just his life, it's my life too.

***************

this post inspired by my own life, but actually writing it down triggered by reading posts such as this

Thanksgiving Breakfast with the InLaws

2011-12-21T12:00:00.001-05:00

Yes, Thanksgiving. You should know by now that I'm behind on uploading my pics here. But I am catching up. Enjoy!

Jena's Mamaw & aunt

with her Uncle & Cousin

with Daddy

her Papaw

She refused to smile, so I told her I was gonna do a pouty face too

ready to cause trouble

I can breathe

2011-12-20T12:00:00.000-05:00

It's been so long since I could breathe.

Really breathe.

Since I felt like I could feasibly sit down and think, really think, about what I want to do.

Not what I need to do. Not what my family needs from me. Not what work needs from me.

But what I want.

I feel like I'm rediscovering myself.

I've been very nostalgic lately.

Dreaming of the past, missing old friends.

Contemplating re-joining organizations that I used to be active in, and are still dear to my heart.

I'm also looking to the future.

And it's looking better than it has in a long time.

I know who we are evolves constantly, and so knowing who we are does as well, it's just that...

I can breathe. And it feels so, so good.

FireGirl and her Chickens

2011-12-19T12:00:00.001-05:00

The chicks are about 4 weeks old in these pics. We've moved them from their brooder to their chicken tractor, but still have it in the garage until their feathers are more developed. They might be a cold-hardy breed, but they are still babies. We'll move them out eventually.

If only someone had gotten a picture.

2011-12-18T12:00:00.000-05:00

Did I tell you about the time I fell at work? No. Well, I should have.

It was a cold Thursday morning, around 8:50am, following several rainy days in a row. I was walking from the parking lot to the building, wasn't paying attention to where I was going, accidentally stepped off the sidewalk, and fell... into a big spot o' mud.

I. Was. Covered.

Purse, covered. Bag carrying papers, full of mud & covered on the outside. One leg of my pants... covered. Hands, covered. Shoes, covered. Keys & cell phone... in the mud.

Did I also mention that I had a presentation at 9:15am that morning?

Someone suggested I go home and change, but... I'm scheduled to do a presentation in 25 minutes to some guys from Europe that are on a very tight schedule while visiting our company here in North America. Going home is not an option.

I picked myself up, continued into the building, started up my laptop, then straight to the bathroom. I finished cleaning myself up around 9:10am, hurried back to my desk (now wet from cleaning up my clothes), and got ready for my presentation.

The people I was presenting to didn't seem to notice that I was wet. Or they were too nice to say anything. Even when I felt something on my arm, and looked down to see about four inches of mud still on my arm, which I kept behind me the rest of the presentation.

How did I miss four inches of mud on my arm? Well, I had my winter coat on that morning. It never dawned on me that when I fell mud would have shot up the sleeve of my coat onto my arm. So in my hurry to get my hands, pants, and shoes clean... I missed it.

The presentation went well... very well in fact. But I was still covered. I was finding mud specks on items for literally days afterward. My heels fared much better than I had feared, and are fine. But the bag I use to carry my papers in... not so much.

I guess when you use an open-top fabric bag and it ends up not only covered in mud on the outside, but so that you are scooping globs of mud out of the inside... you can only do so much. I've ordered a replacement.

So, that's my falling-in-the-mud story. If only someone had gotten that on tape. I'm sure I looked hilarious, all dressed up in my best giving-a-presentation-at-work clothes and covered in mud.

Thanks for checking in!

A Boy & His Dog

2011-12-17T12:00:00.002-05:00

Each mom is different. Each mom is equal.

2011-12-16T12:01:00.000-05:00

A while ago I heard a working mom defend her choice to be a full-time working mom by saying that working moms who were dissatisfied just weren't in the right career field.

Her point was that she was tired of women saying they wanted to stay at home, when really they just needed to find a more fulfilling career, that the most important thing to being an effective mom was to be happy and content with your life.

Something like that.

This was months, maybe a year or more ago, so my memory is foggy, but that was the main point.

I didn't argue. Because while there are a million things wrong with her statement, her overall point is valid: being happy and content has more of an effect on your mothering abilities than your actual career choice.

I've thought about this repeatedly since.

I thought about it a couple of weeks ago when a stay-at-home mom told me that working moms just don't understand the stresses of being a SAHM, and if she weren't able to put her kids (an infant and a toddler) in front of the television for several hours every day, she wouldn't survive.

I didn't judge her for using the television to babysit. And I know that being a SAHM can be very stressful at times. But I did think: maybe being a SAHM isn't right for you.

Similar to the reverse of my situation.

Why blog about this today? Well, this morning driving to work, I pretty much had the realization that I have been trying, and failing, at this working mom thing for three years now. At what point do I (and my family) just admit that maybe it's just not for me us, throw in the towel, and find something that creates tranquility for our entire family?

SAHM? Maybe. Part-time work? Maybe. Work-from-home? Maybe.

But really, after three years of trying, and failing, and now, when I can say that I am happy with my life, I feel balanced, I'm in a really good place overall... I still cannot make this work.

I am stressed out and exhausted all week. I'm depressed on Sundays, giddy on Fridays. I'm pretty sure I'm the parent-FAIL at FireGirl's preschool, and I can admit fully that I know my work has suffered greatly since I became a parent. I'm just a mess.

It's been three years. Three years of me putting in effort, of repeatedly trying, and failing, and then getting stressed & frustrated, and sometimes depressed because I can't seem to figure out what millions of other working moms seem to do just fine, and many of them even enjoy.

Similarly, the SAHM who is putting their child(ren) in front of the television for hours every single day because being a SAHM is so stressful for her (that's the key, the "because it's so stressful" part)... maybe it's time she looked for a part-time job. Despite what many might tell her, perhaps her family will be happier, her children will do better, if she is less stressed. And maybe, just maybe, this could be accomplished thru a part-time, or even full-time job.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...

At what point, do we just admit that not every role is right for every mom, and it doesn't mean we failed, it simply means maybe we're the right actress in the wrong play?

At what point do just give each other a break, tell each other (and ourselves) that maybe it's okay to stop fighting thru the muck of the role that we're in right now and move over to try something else?

When do we tell the working mom that's been struggling for years that it's okay, that there is no shame in admitting that she can't do it anymore, and maybe she'll be the best darn SAHM there ever was?

When do we tell the stressed-out SAHM that there is no shame in admitting that she didn't enjoy being home as much as she thought she would, and maybe her family will be more balanced if she goes back to work?

At what point do we recognize and acknowledge that every mom's role is glorious in its own right, that none is better than the other, that they all serve different purposes, teach different lessons, and they all raise marvelous children in fantastically different ways?

It just frustrates me that we as mothers tend to be so hard on ourselves, but it's more than that. Society is hard on us, and we are hard on each other.

We're all doing the best we can, the best we know how to do for our families. Do we sometimes make mistakes? Sure... we all do. Which means we are all in need of one another's grace and support.

Anyway, back to my original point... my point being that yes, getting the hang of being a mom takes time. Anytime you take on a new role in life it does.

But having as many working moms in my circle as I do... I'm 99% sure I should not still be struggling this much three years later.

Maybe... it's time to admit not that I have failed, but that I have been in the wrong role. That being a full time working mom is not the best role for me to be in. That the more I struggle, the less I am able to fulfill my role as a wife and mother, and that it is in fact not serving my family by staying in the working world, but perhaps may be an injustice to them.

Perhaps being a SAHM will be a better fit, like I have thought. Although now that FireGirl is older and in preschool, I wonder if working part-time might not be a better fit. Or maybe staying home but doing regular volunteer work. Or starting my own business like my sister did when she found herself out of work.

What niche will I fit in best? Will it change through the years as my family changes? As I change? Only time will tell...

... or will it? Because right now we can't afford for me to quit my job. Not without losing our house. And I can't imagine that's good for any of us.

So... blah. frustrated. stressed. stuck.

stuck.

stuck in a role which I more & more believe is not right for me, and not right for my family.

What to do... what to do...

In the meantime, where do you find your niche? Are you in it now, or working towards getting there?

Holiday Organization

2011-12-15T12:00:00.000-05:00

As a member of the BlogHer Life Well Lived Panel, I was selected to answer the following question:

The holidays make me so anxious! How can I stay organized this year?

Honestly, my initial reaction was: They obviously have never seen my house.

But then I thought about it. Really thought about it. And it hit me.

Holy management, Batman, I am organized.

After all, it's not necessarily about organizing ~~stuff~~., ~~items~~, things.

I mean, it seems like for me, managing the holidays boils down to managing two things:

Time and Money

Actually, now that I think about it, managing the rest of the year kinda boils down to those two things too, doesn't it?

So, for me, the best way to stay organized during the crazy rush of activities & wallet-emptying gift-giving during the holiday season is to find ways to effectively manage time and money.

To organize our time, FireMan & I use GoogleCalendar. There are several other group calendars available to use as well, and I've always been a fan of good ole' Franklin Covey planners, but with FireMan being away from the house so much, we needed something we could both access at pretty much any time.

Enter GoogleCalendar.

And as far as organizing money goes, ya'll know we've been taking Financial Peace University, and one of their teachings is the home budget. We not only created a budget, we actually stick to it. To help us do this we schedule weekly budget meetings for ourselves (via GoogleCalendar, ha!) and have a weekly checkup on where we are financially.

This is the first year we ever set an actual budget for Christmas, and I cannot tell you how much it alleviates your anxiety to realize that you're coming in under budget for the holidays.

No more guessing, no more wondering if you can afford that extra present. We're under budget. And we've gotten pretty much everything we were planning on getting, with a few exceptions, none of which should get us anywhere near the edge of our budget.

Do we have bins for Christmas decorations? Sure. Do we have family traditions to keep up with? Sort of.
But for me nothing has helped ease the stress of this holiday season as having my time & money organized with the calendar & budget we put in place earlier this year. Maintaining both of those items just creates a sense of order amid all the holiday chaos.

So what about you guys?
How do you use organization to ward-off holiday anxiety?

Should you comment here? Sure, I love comments!

Should you answer in the comment section of the Life Well Lived Blog Post? Of course! Especially since while you're there you can enter to win the $250 sweepstakes. And couldn't we all use some extra $$ to ease our money management woes?

Happy Holidays!

FireGirl is NOT Overweight

2011-12-14T12:05:00.001-05:00

At FireGirl's three-year-old checkup, our pediatrician informed us that while her height remains tall, but "within normal limits", her weight now puts her in the "overweight" range.

He recommended she get more exercise. You know, without ever asking about her physical activity.

I'm not buying it. The mom who has always been paranoid about her daughter inheriting her weight issues is not buying that her daughter is overweight.

I look at my child, and how very tall she is compared to other children her age, and how we have to buy larger clothing for her to accommodate her height, not her waist, and I do not understand how her height can be "within normal limits", but her weight can be "overweight".

I look at my daughter, who when she wakes up in the morning, before she eats anything*, is so skinny that her ribs show... and I cannot believe that my skinny minny is overweight.

* after she eats her little belly pops out all round & full. So cute. Reminds me of little kittens after they nurse. So cute!

I look at her eating habits - how she detests almost all forms of meat (except cheeseburgers), loves fruits & veggies (especially salad), and thinks the idea of us having chips or pop in the house is "silly".

How when grandma gets her ice cream she asks for white ice cream with strawberries, eats all the strawberries, then declares herself to be full and pushes the dish of ice cream back to her grandparents.

You cannot force this child to eat if she's not hungry. Just ask all four grandparents who can't get over the fact that the "Clean Plate Club" doesn't exist in our house. You can't tempt her with sweets, with ice cream, even with her very favorite - oranges. When she's done... she's done. She doesn't know how to overeat.

She's not permitted to drink pop. Her juice & tea are diluted with water. Her chocolate milk is diluted with white milk.

She prefers water.

She goes to preschool three times a week, where they have gym / physical activity twice a day for 45 minutes each time. She also has dance class once a week for 30 minutes. During nice weather we take her to the playground to play her little heart out at least once a week, more if we can. She runs around our yard with the dogs, plays on our swingset. She dances in the middle of stores, races herself thru the aisles of other stores, and her latest craze is to gallop ("like a horse!") from one end of our open floorplan house to the other.

I know our lifestyle is not perfect, is not the most health-conscious.

I also know that my daughter is not overweight.

Shot this pic 2 days after her appt while she was dancing around the living room.
AFTER dinner.
Clearly that child is overweight... NOT!

Thanks for checking in!

PPD / PTSD update

2011-12-13T12:02:00.000-05:00

I recently had a reader email me and ask how I was doing with regards to PPD now.

Well, I believe my struggle with PPD is over. Although now that my life is finally beginning to settle, drama is subsiding, really for the first time in over three years, I am beginning to notice that I seem to be a little more prone to low spots than I recall being before my struggle with PPD.

Could this be a lingering effect of the PPD? Could the PPD have triggered the same depression and anxiety issues that other members of my family suffer from? Could it be PTSD related? Could it be a lingering effect related to the multiple chemical and hormonal changes my body has gone thru over the past few years?

I'm gonna say the answer is probably yes and no... to all of them. I think the answer is probably far too complicated to say that it's any one of those things, or that it's not any one of those things.

I will refrain from saying my "low spots" are depression, because the truth is they don't usually last very long - maybe a day or so, if that. But they are very low, and tend to come on very suddenly, often without warning, and sometimes without cause. It's a fight to convince myself to do anything but sit on the couch or lie in bed.

Well, not really. Because I have FireGirl.

But honestly, if I didn't have her to take care of...

Just thought of it while I typed those last two lines, but maybe the reason they don't last so long is because of FireGirl, because I don't give in to them because I'm taking care of her, so I don't linger in it. I take care of her, and she makes me smile and makes me laugh and reminds me of how grateful I am for her, and... how can you be low very long when you have that, right?

The "without cause" thing is the most confusing. For me and my loved ones. Because they can see how down I am, and the "what happened?" questions inevitably follow, and of course no one understands that nothing happened, and that I really, honestly, truly mean that. Nothing happened. Nobody was mean to me, I didn't have a bad day.

I can't explain it. I wish I could. I'm assuming what "happened" is there was some shift in the chemicals in my brain. That's probably what happened.

But these low spots don't come very frequently. Once every couple of months or so. And like I said they don't last very long. And since my life is just now stabilizing, I'm hopeful that maybe they will eventually get less & less frequent, or maybe even finally go away.

As far as the PP-PTSD, now that FireGirl's birthday has passed, my flashbacks have pretty much ceased. Although for some crazy reason earlier this week I was drawn to visit the website of the hospital where I delivered, specifically the maternity ward section, and just seeing the pictures of the room stirred all kinds of feelings in me.

I could feel the pain again, feel the uncomfortableness of the beds, the curiousness of not fully knowing how much time is passing... just seeing that tiny web pic brought it all back.

I've wondered many times... if FireMan & I ever do decide to have more children... what am I gonna do? I've said before (this is all hypothetical) that I think I should begin counseling probably as soon as we find out I'm pregnant. Because I can tell you right now there will be quite a bit of anxiety as we near labor & delivery, especially considering we would most likely be delivering at the same hospital.

I have to have the same Ob deliver me again. Which would so probably not happen, considering it's a group practice and it's a crapshoot as to who's on rotation. But I firmly believe he saved my life, and probably FireGirl's. As I've dreamed of having another child, the idea of not getting him nearly throws me into an anxiety attack.

Oh yes, I'm all kinds of crazy.

Lots & lots of therapy should I ever get pregnant again. Lots.

Or maybe as more time passes, things will settle down. Maybe.

So, that's where I am right now, so you know.

Although things have definitely settled, tons, I mean, tons... there are still residual effects of the illness. I don't know if they will ever go away.

I don't know if I want them to go totally away.

I think the experience has made me much more sensitive and understanding to the trials that others are going through, and how every experience effects everyone differently. In short, although I'm still learning, still figuring things out, I'm starting to see that PPD and PP-PTSD have widened my world to the struggles of others, have broadened my perspectives, have made me more sympathetic towards others.

Yes, I'm starting to see that PPD and PP-PTSD have made me a better person.

As always, thanks for checking in!

FireGirl and her Chicks

2011-12-12T12:00:00.000-05:00

The chicks are about 3 weeks old in these pics. We kept their brooder in the laundry room until they got feathered.

Looking for YOU

2011-12-11T12:00:00.000-05:00

Hey - I have a couple of ideas rolling around in this noggin of mine, and am looking for... you!

- if you are a fire wife blogger and would be interested in doing a guest post

- if you have an etsy shop (or small business of any sort, really)

Please email me at KYFIREWIFE at gmail dot com

Playing Dominoes with Daddy & Grandpa

2011-12-10T12:00:00.001-05:00

And by "playing" I mean setting them up & knocking them down.

Christmas List

2011-12-09T12:00:00.000-05:00

There's really not a lot on my list this year. Mostly due to the budget cuts we've decided to make. So my list is boring, because I'm asking for mostly useful things instead of fun things. Although I did manage to put a couple of just-for-fun items in there.

My list:

PhotoShop Elements

hot rollers


pre-order of this book

ironing board cover

bootcut jeans

skinny jeans

an assortment of gift cards to different stores, for new clothes

******************

FireGirl's list:

And this is seriously all she's asking for:


"parrot pillow"

clothes

shoes

Seriously, what am I supposed to get her?!? LOL. No worries, we've managed to find a few toys for her, but at her request, she's getting mostly clothes & shoes.

** click on each picture to find the source **

So what about you? What's on your Christmas list this year?

"Busted Heart"

2011-12-08T12:02:00.000-05:00

Back when this happened, I was devestated truth be told. Part of me felt like the misery of the past had come crashing back all in one fell swoop. The next day we had a fight. Nothing huge, but... it just seemed like everything was falling apart again.

And after I left the house and was driving to Kroger, the song "Busted Heart" (linked above, lyrics below) by For King & Country was playing on the radio. It just seemed to encompass everything I was feeling, and although I'd never heard it before, as the words came across the radio the tears just poured out and I found myself crying to the Lord, each word of the song a prayer to my God, my Father.

Since then, things are much, much better, but the song still means so much to me. It reminds me of where I was, not only that day, but for so long in the past, it reminds me of a God who holds on to us when we don't have the strength to hold on any longer.

In many ways it reminds me of the parent / child relationship we have with our Father. How many times has my daughter not been able to hold my hand, but I can reach out and grab hers? How many times does she not know which way to go, but I can direct her paths? Our Heavenly Father does the same for His children more times than we even realize.

Thanks for checking in.

*******************

Busted Heart (Hold On To Me)
For King & Country

Winter has come back again
Feels like the season won't end
My faith is dying tonight
And I won't try to pretend

I've got it all figured out
I don't have any doubts

I've got a busted heart
I need You now
Yeah, I need You now

(chorus)
Hold on to me, hold on to me
Don't let me lose my way

Hold on to me

I am the wandering son

Your love is never enough
I keep chasing the wind

Instead of chasing Your love
I'm screaming out Your name
Don't let me fall on my face
I've got a busted heart
I'm in need of a change
I'm desperate for grace

Hold on to me, take all of me
Don't let me lose my way
Hold on to me

Broke Your heart a thousand times
But You've never left my side
You have always been here for me

You never let me go
You never let me go
Don't ever let me go

Hold on to me, hold on to me
Don't let me lose my way
Hold on to me

Hold on to me, take all of me
Don't let me lose my way
Hold on to me

Until it comes to an end
Soon this season will end
I'll surrender tonight
You meet me right where I am.

Ends up, I'm angry

2011-12-07T12:02:00.000-05:00

Who knew?

I didn't.

I ~~don~~'t ~~didn't~~ don't feel angry.

But... it showed up the other night. Out of nowhere. And to be honest, I'm not really sure what to do with this anger, how to process it.

I'm angry with my husband for not being on board with wanting more children.

And for making plans (in his head) for our future that are completely different from what my plans are.

And for telling me what I want is crazy.

I'm angry with my sister for moving half-way across the country.

I'm angry with one of my best friends for moving all the way across the country.

I'm angry with my ex for being so... weird... about stuff that it's virtually impossible to be friends with his wife anymore, because she & I were once really good friends. And I need good friends.

I'm angry with my brother for constantly twisting my words and making me out to be a bad person, even when what I'm trying to do is really good.

I'm angry.

All this stuff just came pouring out of me at once the other night. All this and more. I guess I've been holding it in. So much so that I didn't even realize I was feeling this anger inside.

My mind was flooded, overwhelmed with resentment at so many people, at God, at the world, at myself.

Apparently, I'm angry.

And I didn't even know it.

A few months ago an acquaintance of mine told me I was angry. And I was all like "ummm... no. Really, I'm fine. Doing the best I have in a long time. But thanks for your opinion"

Ends up she was right after all. Not sure what she saw, but she saw something I didn't. I totally didn't see this coming.

And I think the hardest part is that I'm angry, but I'm not.

I mean, I can't begrudge FireMan for wanting what he wants, or not wanting what I want. Just because we want different things isn't a reason to be angry with him.

I can't be angry with my sister because her husband lost his job and needed to move a few states away to find work to support their family.

I can't be angry with my friend because her husband needed to move across the country to find work.

I can't really be angry with my ex for being... weird... because exes are supposed to be weird to us after we break up.

I can't really be angry with my brother because he just has issues that he needs to deal with.

And I can't be angry with God because I know that He will work everything out for my good in the end.

And I can't really be angry with myself because I know that I am on my own journey and just trying to do the best that I can, which is also true of everyone I just mentioned.

So this anger is a different kind of anger, because while I am angry with these people, I'm really not. But I can't really say that I'm angry with God or myself or the world or anything like that either.

It's more like this very vague, but simultaneously very specific anger inside. And I have no idea how to process it because it's just such a different kind of emotion from what I've experienced before.

Or... (this thought comes as I type)... maybe it's still revealing itself. Maybe discovering that anger is just part of me discovering myself again. Maybe this is a process. Maybe this is part of the journey.

I guess that's it for now. Just watch out! Because apparently, FireWife is angry.

As always, thanks for checking in.

Not Just Another Blog Challenge #17 - A Little Known Fact

2011-12-06T12:02:00.001-05:00

A little known fact about me, something very few people know, especially in blog world, is...

I used to breed mice.

Yep. Like the furry little rodents.

In high school I took Agricultural Science, and needed a project. Not living on a farm, I was somewhat limited in my choices. So breeding mice it was.

I started with a black & white male named "Mickey", and a brown female named "Minnie".
I bred them for color combinations, and sold the litters to local pet stores.

And then after a few years and being done breeding them, I just kept a few as pets.

And then in college, I decided I wanted one again. So I got another mouse.

Their lifespan is only 3-4 years, and that's if they don't get sick or anything, so you tend to go thru a lot of them over time.

They actually make great pets, although if not handled regularly they can get a little bite-y.

Mickey was so tame I'd let him wander around my bedroom, and he would come when I called him. Most of them I would get out and let them climb on me as I went about my daily business at home, read a book, did homework, watched TV, whatever

Not like all of them at once or anything. Just one or two at a time. As much as I like mice, all of them at once is a little... weird. And hard to manage.

I still have a soft spot for all things mousey, and cringe a little when FireCat does his job in ridding our house of the vermin.

See, I even just cringed a little just calling them "vermin".

So, there ya go. Little known fact about FireWife.

Spiritual Warfare

2011-12-05T12:04:00.000-05:00

Okay, something I've never told anyone except FireMan, is that the night FireKitty died, after... everything, and he had let me take a shower while he took care of... stuff, there is something I remember so clearly.

I had just come out of the shower, the shower I had sobbed through. I leaned against the bathroom wall, lacking the strength to hold myself up, still sobbing, and I cried out to God "WHY?!? Why did you let this happen? Why? Of all the pets, why FireGirl's?!? WHY?!?"

And a still, small voice responded "I'm saving your marriage"

I shutup, but I definitely did not understand how that was gonna accomplish anything. And quite frankly I was probably dehydrated from the vomiting and the crying, and I was tired and grief-stricken, and still a little bit in shock, so... I probably made that up, right?

Even though that scenario doesn't make much sense either. I mean, I don't think any of the farthest recesses of my brain could have even made up a way that FireKitty's death could save our marriage. I mean... really. C'mon.

Fast forward about two months. FireGirl announces one day that she saw FireKitty the night before.

Since she was a toddler, and often confuses how long her past tense has been, I said "Yes, you saw FireKitty a few months ago"

But she insisted that it had been just the night before.

Humoring her, and thinking that maybe she had a dream, I gently reminded her that FireKitty had died, and asked her to tell me about how she saw her.

She told me she was missing FireKitty, so she asked God to show her to her, and He did.

Well, shut my mouth.

Apparently the three of them (God, FireGirl, and FireKitty), played in FireGirl's room for a majority of the night. She did seem more tired than usual.

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Breaking in to answer a couple of questions:

- yes, at this point I think she's probably had a dream
- assuming it really happened, no, I don't actually believe that animals go to Heaven when they die. But I do believe in a Heavenly Father that loves all the little children, and I do think that maybe, just maybe, if a little girl were in mourning, and asked to see her beloved pet cat in order to be comforted, He might just do so

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God and FireKitty repeat their visits to FireGirl over the next several nights. I'm starting to believe these are not dreams.

And inside, I'm groaning for my child. And gearing up for spiritual warfare.

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Why? Because there were some things that happened a week or two prior to this, that combined with this made it apparent that my daughter shares my... gift.

And I know how difficult that can make her life.

And I know that while she is this young, this tiny innocent child, she has a certain amount of protection from Satan's forces. And once she accepts Christ, she is protected. But there will be a time from when she reaches accountability until she accepts Christ as her Saviour that she is open to attack.

So momma is putting on the armour, getting ready for battle.

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The next day, FireGirl tells me she played with FireKitty again. I asked where God was. She said FireKitty came alone.

Something inside of me twisted, and I felt physically ill.

Call it mother's intuition, call it gift of discernment, call it whatever you want... I knew immediately, this was wrong.

At this point I silently prayed and asked God to provide a hedge of protection around each one of us... pets included (after FireKitty, how could I not?), and our home, our entire property, to prevent any evil spirits from entering our home.

The next day, again... FireKitty had come, alone, again.

I told FireGirl... no more. It was not okay that FireKitty was coming by herself. That she lived with God now, and if God wanted her to come, He would have come too. That I don't want FireGirl playing with FireKitty anymore, by themselves.

She seemed to understand.

And I think on some level she must have said "no".

Because then the real fun began.

Ever have your toddler tell you she's angry because there are so many people in the car she can't see out the window? And it's only the two of you?

And the reason they're there is because they can't get into our house (see prayer above - prayed silently, remember, so FireGirl didn't hear me) and they think that if they ride in our car they can ride into it?

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In the meantime, things in our family were crazy, and stressed.

Our marriage was still in not-good-land. FireGirl was acting up, terrible two's gone haywire, and I was stressed and frustrated beyond belief. I felt like I was losing my mind.

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Every night I would pray that prayer of safety & protection around us and our home. And it did seem like things lessened... but never ended.

And I didn't understand why not. And I didn't understand why I was having to pray this prayer every night, and still God was only showing me minimal results, when it seemed so clearly this was spiritual warfare.

And then, one night, as I was begrudgingly beginning to pray, frustrated, tired, stressed... that still small voice.

"Ask and it shall be given to you. You're asking for the wrong thing. You're praying the wrong prayer."

And in that instant, I knew.

I had been asking God to keep any new spirits from coming into our home, onto our property. I never asked him to remove the ones that were already there.

And the second I began to pray, I saw a birdseye view of our entire property, and all the spirits dwelling there. Many of them outside the home. Several inside our house. Including one, huddled in our closet, against the wall separating our room from FireGirl's.

I prayed silently, until the end, when I commanded them all to leave in the name of Jesus Christ, which I whispered. And in that instant I saw them all, yanked up as though someone had jerked them from behind the neck, snapped away into nothingness at once.

FireGirl has never mentioned seeing FireKitty, or any apparitions of any sort, since that night.

As far as spiritual warfare goes, I can pinpoint that day, that night, that moment as a turning point for our family. FireGirl's behavior problems stopped almost instantly. That's the time when our marriage finally began its path to healing, something that has happened more quickly since that night than I would have ever thought possible just one year ago. The track of our entire family, including myself, as shifted. We are closer and stronger than ever. We are on a path, together, as one unit, instead of three individuals.

We won that battle. We were victorious. But the war isn't over yet.

Oh, wait. Yes it is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NyPBVwOCYmM

(sorry, couldn't get it to embed - but it's worth following the link, I promise)

Stuff I like on Etsy

2011-12-04T12:00:00.000-05:00

Because I love that site, and I love supporting individuals hawking their creative genius. Enjoy

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hair clips by KyandTayaAccessories

Whimsical Reindeer by woodenshimsie

Fire Truck Wall Hooks by juniordesignco

Ironing Board Cover by CityChicCountryMouse

The Cardinals Print by WalkByFaithStudio

Firefighter Courage Plaque by thehomespunraven

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What about you? Any recent Etsy finds?

Not Just Another Blog Challenge #16 - The Worst Thing About Being a Parent

2011-12-03T12:00:00.001-05:00

I think the absolute worst thing about being a parent has got to be seeing your child suffer.

I still remember clearly the needle-sticks they did to draw blood when FireGirl was a newborn, and how she would scream and cry, and I would try to stifle my cries.

Or when she had a staph infection that needed to be drained, which required the pediatrician to lance it, and then put immense pressure on the surrounding area, and I'm helping to hold her down and she's staring up at me like "why are you letting them do this to me?".

Or anytime she gets an owie whose pain doesn't go away right off the bat.

Or anytime she's sick, and it just has to run its course.

Or anytime she mentions FireKitty, and tells me how much she misses her (still), and asks me questions like WHY, and it tells me that somewhere inside, my little girl is experiencing her first dose of heartache.

The worse the suffering, the worse it is on the parents as well, but anytime my child suffers is definitely the very worst thing about being a parent.

Spirtual Gifts

2011-12-02T12:02:00.000-05:00

I grew up being taught that the spiritual gifts as described in I Corinthians 12 had "gone away", that they no longer pertained to today's believers.

This is based on I Corinthians 13, the interpretation of which is quite hotly contested within the Church*

* for purposes of this post, "Church" is used to reference all believers who have accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as their Saviour, and not any one actual church or denomination specifically

I was also taught that there were no such thing as spirits or ghosts, other than the Holy Spirit.

Although churches I attended later in my teenage and young adult years did teach that there was an active spiritual world, since it was, you know, mentioned frequently in the Bible.

The first part - the cessation of gifts - I believed firmly until my late twenties.

The second part - about spirits or ghosts... well... there was only one problem with that.

You know, since I had seen* them. Experienced them. Regularly. Since I was a small child.

* see is a relative term, and this is hard to explain, but I don't "see" them with my eyes, it's more a sensing of a presence, but I can see it inside me, and can describe it to you as sure as if I'm seeing it in front of me physically. I know that makes no sense if you haven't experienced it, but... it's the truth.

Quite frankly, I'm a little nervous typing this even now. This topic just isn't discussed within Christian circles. At least none that I've ever been in.

And the rest of the world... well, either they believe in it, or they don't.

I'm not going into detail here about my experiences, but they have continued, throughout my life. They are real. At times they have been corroborated by others who were with me.

So what's the connection between the two?

Well, as I learn more about spiritual gifts, and the possibility that they are indeed still in effect for today's believers, and I reflect on the reality of my experiences with the spiritual world surrounding us, I am beginning to think that perhaps... just maybe... this gift, the "discernment of spirits"... maybe there's a reason for what I can see after all.

You know, other than just to torture me.

Not Just Another Blog Challenge #15 - The Best Thing About Being a Parent

2011-12-01T12:01:00.000-05:00

The best part about being a parent? {{ swoon }} has gotta be the love.

Have you ever been in love? and you think that you could not ever possibly love anyone else nearly as much as you love that person? okay, yeah, like maybe with your husband?

Wrong.

Because then you have a child, and the amazing thing about becoming a parent, is that it multiplies your love. Not only the love you receive, but the love that you give.

And not just to the child, that's the crazy thing.

Yes, the first surprising thing is how much love you feel for this new addition to your family. This is your child, and the love you feel is remarkable. And it grows. You realize one day that you love her even more. Batty, I tell you!

And then, in a most pleasantly unexpected way, somehow becoming a parent with your spouse, results in you loving them more too! And see, you didn't even know that was possible. But it is!

I've also found myself more ~~loving~~ sensitive towards others, especially children. I just want to wrap them all up and take them all home with me. Literally. Like, don't give me any ideas. Because FireMan is far more logical about these heart-ideas of mine and would not be happy if I came home with a zillion kids tomorrow.

But I digress... my point is... it makes me want to do that. Quite frankly, I didn't before. Was I sympathetic? Compassionate? Sure. To the point that I would willingly open my home and my heart? Not a chance. Not really.

Becoming a parent has developed me to become more loving towards others.

So, yes, I think the very best thing about being a parent, as got to be the love. Multiplied and growing. Always. LOVE.

One Year

2011-11-30T12:01:00.000-05:00

One year ago today I received a phone call that my dad was being admitted to the hospital.

One year ago today I found out he would need a triple bypass.

One year ago today, I called out to you, my readers, begging you to pray for my daddy.

One year ago today, it felt like our world was turning upside down, and I was scared.

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One year ago, my daddy didn't look this good:

One year later, my daddy is doing just fine.

One year later, he has more energy than he's had in years.

He has been cleared by the cardiologist and only goes back for yearly check ups now.

He follows his diet strictly, and he & my mom have both lost a significant amount of weight. They both also work out regularly at the local YMCA.

We've all adjusted to the new normal, because yes, all of our lives changed.
FireGirl had the biggest change outside of my parents, as they were her primary "daycare" before his surgery. Now they watch her just once a week.

And we're all pretty happy with that.

My parents are planning a major trip in the next couple of years. Yes, big enough that it takes a couple of years of planning.

And yes, they're planning on both of them being here for a couple of more years.

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One year.

One year ago. One year since.

Oh, the difference just one year makes.

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I love you Daddy. And I am so thankful for this year, for all the years past, and for all the years to come.

Discerning of Spirits

2011-11-29T12:01:00.002-05:00

"Now there are diversities of gifts, but the same Spirit. And there are differences of administrations, but the same Lord. And there are diversities of operations, but it is the same God which worketh all in all. But the manifestation of the Spirit is given to every man to profit withal. For to one is given by the Spirit the word of wisdom; to another the word of knowledge by the same Spirit; To another faith by the same Spirit; to another the gifts of healing by the same Spirit; To another the working of miracles; to another prophecy; to another discerning of spirits; to another divers kinds of tongues; to another the interpretation of tongues" -- I Corinthians 12: 4-10

discerning - showing good or outstanding judgement and understanding

synonyms: detecting, determining, distinguishing, getting wise to

spirits - supernatural, incorporeal beings

synonyms: specter, supernatural being, wraith, presence

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Congratulations to the winner of the giveaway: Rebecca from over at Rebecca Runs !!

Rebecca - please email me at KYFIREWIFE at gmail so I can get your info to Walk By Faith Studio

Not Just Another Blog Challenge #14 - The Worst Thing About Married Life

2011-11-28T12:00:00.001-05:00

I don't know that I would call it the "worst", but rather the "hardest", and that would be the meshing of two people into one life.

When you share your life with someone so intimately, the intertwining of the two of you sometimes results in... knots.

The fact is that even though you are sharing your lives with one another on the deepest level, you are still two totally different people. You have different personalities, different ideas, were raised differently, different wants, different don't-wants, different likes, different dislikes.

Getting all of those things to successfully merge is hard, H-A-R-D, hard.

It's a matter of compromise and of give-and-take. Sometimes you give more, sometimes he gives more, sometimes you're both trying to take and no one wants to give.

Sometimes... you remember how nice it was back in your tiny one-bedroom apartment just you and your cats when you didn't feel obligated to ask someone else's opinion before you made a life decision.

But mostly, you figure it out. You do the dance. You give, he takes. He gives, you take. You both give and the kid takes.

And sometimes it sucks, but mostly, once all the dust has settled... those knots? the ones that got in the way when you were trying to gracefully intertwine your lives? Yeah, it's those knots that made the two of you stronger together than you were apart.

Dave Ramsey Got Me Scared

2011-11-27T12:09:00.000-05:00

FireMan & I started taking the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University course thru our church.

FireMan was on shift, so I went to the first class alone.

And I can't stop thinking about it.

Not so much the class itself, or (to be honest), anything Dave Ramsey said on the ~~tape~~ DVD (whatever, I'm old). But something that was said in the discussion we had afterward.

One of the core teachings of the class is to have a substantial emergency savings for you / your family. During discussion, we were discussing what a true "emergency" means.

Of course, people immediately started talking about medical bills.

As they talked, I started to get physically ill thinking back to everything I went thru after my accident in 2002. Not just physically, but what that did to me financially.

I had the realization long ago, that had it not been for my supportive family, I probably would have ended up on the streets.

At one point I was seeing eight different doctors. That means eight different doctor bills. Plus the emergency room bills (because you know if you make one visit to the ER, you'll get like five different bills, right?). Plus prescription meds.

And let's not forget my car was totalled (I managed to drive it for another year - some parts literally held together with duct tape - before it actually died).

I missed work, unpaid. But not quite enough to file for short-term disability.

My health insurance wouldn't cover it, because I was injured in a car accident.

My car insurance decided to fight my claim, so I had to hire a lawyer.

Thank God I lived with my parents at the time (something I lamented at the time, but later saw as part of God's plan. Maybe I should tell that story on here someday).

And sitting in that class, my stomach completely sank when the gentleman leading the class said:

"Okay, many of you are bringing up medical bills, so obviously it's happened for several of you. Now think for a minute... what if that happened again, right now? What would you do (financially)?"

I seriously wanted to puke.

FireMan and I have a little savings. We have good equity in our house. We have things we could sell to get money.

But... honestly? If something like my accident happened to one (or God forbid, both) of us right this minute? Where we were seeing eight different doctors, none of our insurance would pay it, our vehicle was totalled, we were missing work unpaid, etc... Oh.... my.... goodness.

The thought of it literally sickens me.

The chance of that happening? I'd like to say slim-to-none. But then again, it happened to me. One thing Dave Ramsey explains in his philosophy of saving for an emergency is that the unexpected isn't really unexpected.

These things do happen. People get sick. Accidents happen. People lose jobs. It happens. To say it's unexpected, really just shows how much time we spend living in a fantasy world where these things don't happen. Because they do.

The good part of this? I'm excited about saving.

Now... we're just starting Step 1: Have $1000 in your emergency fund, but I'm already thinking ahead to Step 3: Have 3-6 months of expenses in your emergency fund.

Can you imagine having 6 months of expenses in your emergency fund?
And then, because I am also baby stepping my way to stockpiling via coupon savings, can you imagine having 6 months of expenses in your emergency fund, plus 6 months of food & toiletries in your stockpile?

What a comfort that would be. Combining the two you would surely have 8 - 9 months of a cushion, should someone lose a job. And what a security net should there be an accident, illness, or other unexpected occurrence.

I can't stop thinking about it.

So much so that I've thought about cancelling our upcoming trip to save the $$. Except some of our reservations are non-refundable. So... I'd rather get something out of it, then not go and lose both the money and the reservation, ya know?

Besides, I really think this upcoming trip is going to be very beneficial to our marriage, which is an even better investment than money.

So... what's your savings situation? Have you taken Dave Ramsey? Thoughts?

As always, thanks for checking in!

Not Just Another Blog Challenge #13 - Best Thing About Married Life

2011-11-26T12:00:00.000-05:00

I think the best thing about married life, or one of them, is having someone else to go thru life's journey with. That one dedicated person who is your travelling partner.

The person who will hike with you up to every mountaintop, and is riding the avalanche with you down to the valley. And is strolling with you hand-in-hand down every smooth path in between.

It's not always perfect, and sometimes you lose your grip on each other and wonder what happened, but in the big picture of life... there they are, waiting to begin the next big adventure with you.

Yeah, I think that has to be the best part. Never wondering who's going to go with you, but knowing who will be beside you as you go.

Friday Fragments

2011-11-25T12:01:00.000-05:00

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I've been on a huge writing kick, which is awesome, but I kinda feel like I've neglected keeping ya'll updated on some issues, so let's do it in a Friday Fragments post, 'kay?

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FireGirl is now 3 years old, and is finally settling in to her new classroom at preschool. She resists change (like her momma), and still wants me to watch her for a few minutes, and occasionally cries, and always pouts, but drop offs no longer take 30 minutes, nor do they consist of the staff literally ripping my daughter off of my person while she screams bloody murder and sobs about wanting her mommy, so... I consider that as going well.

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I am really impressed with the curriculum in her new class. They teach reading via phonics, and she's already beginning some basic math concepts. Very impressed.

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Potty training has regressed, and I'm at a loss. After washing way-too-many loads of sheets, comforters, and the like, I finally gave in and bought some Pampers UnderJams for bedtime. Mostly because I was getting too far behind on our regular laundry trying to keep up with the pee laundry so our house wouldn't smell like urine and FireGirl would have clean bedding to sleep on.

The vast majority of her accidents are at night (every night), with rare accidents during the daytime.

Sometimes I wonder if it has to do with stress from changing rooms at preschool. But then again, since they're mostly at night, I don't know.

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The chickens are growing. Fast! I can't believe how fast those little suckers have grown! They are very tame, and have now moved to their chicken tractor in the garage.

Just by word of mouth we already have people putting in orders for fresh eggs once they start laying, so that's a blessing. Because we just won't eat a dozen a day.

Oh, and one is HUGE. I call her Fatty (endearingly, not insultingly). Much bigger, in every way, and not as social as the rest of the flock. We're starting to wonder if "she" is really a "he". And being new to the chicken business, we don't know how to tell yet. Guess we'll find out soon enough.

BTW - they came sexed with a guarantee of 90% accuracy. Not bad. We can deal with one rooster. As long as it's just the one.

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FireMan & I are still doing well in our marriage

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We are also taking Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University, and are getting a better handle on our financial situation.

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We decided to cancel our family trip in December. Mostly due to finances, but some due to other stuff. But mostly money.

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I'm really enjoying being on this writing kick that I've been on, but I'll try to do a better job of keeping ya'll updated on my life as well. After all, you guys are the best readers a gal could ask for!

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Today is the last day for the giveaway, so don't forget to sign up!

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Have a great weekend!

Not Just Another Blog Challenge #12 - Worst Thing About Dating

2011-11-24T12:00:00.001-05:00

The worst thing about dating? I think it's the moment before it's over. No matter how short or how long you were dating, there's that moment... when you know it's over before it actually is.

Doesn't matter which end of I-don't-want-to-see-you-anymore you're on, that moment sucks.

The anxiety of does-he-really-not-like-me-but-I-like-him-so-much, or I-really-wish-he-didn't-like-me-so-much-cause-this-is-gonna-be-hard.

Yeah. That moment. Sometimes it's a long moment. Sometimes it's a quick moment. But that stomach-sinking moment is the worst.

Girlfriends (aka The Good, The Bad, the Socially Inept)

2011-11-23T12:02:00.008-05:00

The other day I went out with a couple of girlfriends. One a long-time friend, one I've only known a few months. Both very good friends.

The three of us get along fantastically, and have been trying to work out our schedules literally for months. I eventually ended up using a vacation day to make it work.

And it was well worth it.

We met at IKEA, and walked and talked and walked and chatted and walked and shopped and talked.

Then we went to dinner and talked some more. In the parking lot we just couldn't shut up so we decided to do dessert, and kept on talking.

It was very, very good.

It was refreshing. It was renewing. It was healing. It was just about every good word that ends in -ing wrapped up in one afternoon that dragged on into evening.

And it reminded me that I need more girlfriends.

I've never had a lot of girlfriends. For whatever reason I found it easier to connect with the boys. So I always had a lot of guy friends (not boyfriends, mind you, but that's a whole 'nother blog post), but relatively few girlfriends.

And I've been pretty okay with that, to be honest.

I mean, the girls I have been close with... are awesome. So I didn't need many. And I always had those guy friends too. So my social circle was full. I had a great family. Got plenty of support. Life was good.

Since I've written about them before, I won't delve into it again, but some things happened in my past that left me feeling defenseless, and I pushed away some of my friends, and I built up a wall, and I developed some trust issues, as well as a good dose of social anxiety.

Not the best for developing close relationships with people.

I kept my family close, but not many friends.

But recently, some of the closest people in my life have literally been moved across the world. Literally.

First, one of my best friends' husbands got relocated to California. Then my sister got transplanted to Iowa. Then one of my oldest friends follows God's call to teach in Africa.

While I was left with a lot of good acquaintances, my friends were all gone. Literally, physically moved away from me.

I hesitate in writing that line. I hope no one is taking offense, thinking "hey - I'm your friend". So let me explain.

In this post, by "friend", I mean a close friend, the one you can stay up talking to all night, who can call you at any hour for any reason, who is as close as family or closer, who you can't imagine your life without, the one when you were younger you imagined being your maid of honor in your wedding and living next door to raising your children together.

I need some good girlfriends. Some more gal acquaintances would be nice too.

Of course, working with all men doesn't help things.

Don't get me wrong, they're great guys, but... not only am I a little hesitant about the befriending-a-coworker thing, I'm also a little hesitant about the whole befriending-a-married-man thing too, you know?

So... where was I?

Oh, yeah. Girlfriends are awesome. I am so jealous when I see girlfriends out together, or see people post on Facebook or Twitter or their blog about their gal pals and how they just hang out, casually as can be.

Because on the rare occasions that I do get to see any of my very few girlfriends, it seems to take so much effort.

Coordinating the schedules of even just two of us can sometimes take weeks to find a date to get together.

The message boards that I used to belong to, and still talk to quite a few of the ladies from, well - they get together quite often. During the day. Not always formal get-togethers, but playdates & such. During the week. During the day.
Of the numerous more formal get-togethers they've arranged over the past four years, I was only able to make it to one.

I volunteered to organize one once, and after surveying for good times & places, selecting a time, and choosing a place that was convenient for the majority, but would make me drive an hour to get there, we only had 1 person besides myself RSVP, so it was cancelled.

And it doesn't help that I'm completely socially inept.

Confession? I don't know how to make friends.

And when I try, I tend to fail. And then I feel like a big fat loser that nobody likes. And when you feel like that, you're not exactly appealing to potential friends.

Trying to make new friends is a lot like dating.

Confession? I hated dating.

Examples of my trying fails? Sure:

Tried to do something nice for someone at work. Got accused of being a stalker.

Tried to do something nice for an old college friend. Was told I was being "too nice", and must have ulterior motives.

Threw a party. Invited 120 people (no lie). Five showed up.

Threw another party. Invited 75 people. Six showed up. But two of those were my parents, so...

With their blessings, sent out a mass text prayer request for a friend. Trying to be nice & supportive, right?
- had one person respond that I was invading privacy by sending it out regardless of whether or not I had permission and reamed me for "overstepping my bounds"
- had another person accuse me of doing it to draw attention to myself
- had yet another person yell at me for "scaring them to death" because they got a text about a random person being sent to the hospital and they couldn't imagine what had happened (apparently they were driving and in & out of dead spots and only got half the message, but it was my fault, even after I showed them the whole message, and I just shouldn't send things like that).

And my husband wonders why I have social anxiety, why I don't put myself out there more. It seems like even when I try to be a friend to others, to be nice, to do something good for someone else, I'm either ignored, or it gets twisted around and I somehow end up the bad guy. Again.

I swear I'm not a bad guy. I'm not.

I'm not perfect, but I'm good. And I'm nice. And I try really hard to do right by other people. I do my best to be fair.
Again, I'm not perfect, but I certainly am not bad. Really, I'm not.

And when I put myself out there and try to be friendly to others, open my home up to others... no one comes.

And yes, I realize I'm rambling right now.

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I guess what I'm trying to say is that the other night made it even more evident to me how much I need good girlfriends in my life. A good, strong support system. Good friends to laugh with and cry with and share life with. To share their lives with them.

And I want that. I really do.

And maybe the problem is that I'm trying to force it, and relationships like that can't be forced, but they sure as heck aren't just falling in my lap either.

This post seems rather disjointed to me. A little rambl-y, I suppose. Just putting some thoughts out there.

All I'm saying is I need some good girlfriends. I want some good girlfriends. I've been trying to make some more friends, to make more time for friends, to make it more of a priority for me... but it just doesn't seem to be working.

I end up with a few really good nights, interspersed with a lot of bad nights. It's depressing. And it reminds me so much of dating: you know, mostly rejection. For me, anyway.

I recently had an acquaintance tell me that to make more friends I need to "show yourself friendly". To be honest, it kinda ticked me off. I mean, really? Because I thought being a big fat jerk-wad was a good way to make friends. Seriously! But I already told you, it's like even when I try to be nice, it blows up in my face. I try to be friendly, I try to open myself up... and it doesn't seem to work.

Maybe I just don't know how to "show myself friendly". Whatever.

Anyway. Those are my random thoughts right now.

Thanks for checking in

Not Just Another Blog Challenge #11 - Best Thing About Dating

2011-11-22T12:02:00.000-05:00

I think the best thing about dating is the possibility.

The excitement, the oh-I hope-he-likes-me, and then oh-wow-I-think-he-actually-likes-me!

It's meeting new people, going to new places, and the dreaming about the possibility of where it all might lead.

Yes, as much as I definitely do not miss dating, that one little piece of it, the possibility of it all... that was definitely the best part.

What about you? What do you think was / is the best part of dating ?

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PS - don't forget to enter the giveaway! It ends Friday at midnight.

FireDog

2011-11-21T12:00:00.000-05:00

It's Sunday. I Need a New Job. Or Something.

2011-11-20T12:03:00.000-05:00

Following our anniversary, we stayed home to work on renovations. And after having six business days off work (10 days total), I was dreading going back to work on Monday.

Dreading it.

The fact that FireMan seemed happy to go back, just really annoyed me. He was practically singing as he gathered his gear and placed it by the front door.

I mean, I'm happy for him and all - happy that he has his dream job. But... annoyed. Kinda like when you're not a morning person, and some happy chipper person keeps buzzing around your face, you know? You just kinda wanna swat it down.

It just... I just... I get no fulfillment from my job. One of the mornings we were off we cleaned the manatee tank. I woke up tired & cranky. FireMan kept irritating me. Or maybe it was just because I was already cranky. Whatever. I was in a foul mood. Frustrated. Stressed.

And then I got in the tank. I vacuumed up poop. I scrubbed walls. I wiped down windows. I fed manatees.

All of which is physically demanding labor.

And I got out in a better mood, and much more relaxed, than when I went in.

Pretty sure it wasn't the actual work

Why can't my real job be like that? Why can't I leave my paying job in a better mood than when I go in, instead of the other way around?

I have such a hard time explaining it. I mean, I actually do like what I do. And I love the vast majority of the people I work with. But I get no real satisfaction from it, no fulfillment. It's just a job. And it is sucking the life out of me.

I literally get a greater sense of satisfaction from doing a load of laundry at home. Or taking out the garbage. Or cleaning out the kitty litter.

And it's not just the lack of fulfillment. It's that when during the work week, I feel so stressed all the time. All. The. Time. I have to work to relax, which is just ironic, and in some ways adds additional pressure to my life.

I mean, really, when you're feeling pressure to relax... I think it's a sign something might be wrong.

Maybe it comes down to balance. Or lack thereof.

Whatever it is, I hate it. I dread it. And I sat there and fretted and sighed and moaned and dreaded going back. And Sunday night I stayed up really late, because in some crazy illogical way I thought it would postpone Monday morning.

And Monday rolled around, and lived up to all of my expectations. The day started okay. But I knew it would be a crazy day at work, having been off for a week, and we had class at church that night, which we're already pressed for time to make it to, so when I was fixing FireGirl's breakfast and realized we needed more milk, I knew I'd have to factor in a trip to the store. Then I got in the car and saw that FireMan had left me just enough gas to get me thru today, but not enough to get back to work tomorrow, I knew I'd have to factor in a trip to the gas station sometime. And then we got to FireGirl's preschool and they informed me they were going to start transitioning her to her new classroom this week. Which means longer drop-offs all week. Which means I have to work a little bit later to make up the time. And then I get to work, and yes, have 898 new messages in my inbox. And am informed that I have to present on not one, but two, topics at a division-wide meeting that afternoon. And during the meeting our General Manager starts quizzing me about a third topic. And somewhere in there Once Upon A Child calls and says my box is ready for pickup, and if I don't pick it up within 24 hours, they'll donate everything to charity. And I realize I forgot the book for my class.

So I make the decision that I'm skipping class that night. You can make up sessions online anyway. Stay a little bit late at work to make up for the longer preschool dropoff that morning. Go the vending machine & get some goldfish for FireGirl because I know it's gonna be a late dinner. Leave work. Pick up FireGirl at preschool. Head to OUAC to get my box o'stuff. Then to the bank because I have no cash. Then the grocery store for milk. Then the gas station. Finally head home.

I got home just before 8pm and started dinner. Frozen pizza. Did the dishes while the pizza was in the oven.

And yes, of course FireGirl needed a bath.

She didn't even get to bed until 9:45pm. After she went to bed I did two loads of laundry, between folding laundry & putting new loads in, I changed the baby chicks' bedding, fed & watered all the animals. And thought about dusting the living room. I also thought about taking a shower and thought about making my lunch for the next day. But since it was already midnight, I decided to go to bed.

Other than bathtime, I didn't get to play with my daughter at all that first Monday back. Not once. I skipped a class I really wanted to go to in favor of errands that needed to be run. Exhausted (lack of sleep + time of the month + trying to get sick) I overslept that morning.

I hope this isn't coming across whiny, because I don't intend it to. I'm not in a whiny frame of mind at all. I'm just stating the facts of my day. This is what happened. And that is a fairly typical experience. Not every day, for sure. But enough. Enough that I consider it typical.

And it sucks the life out of me.

It just seems so backwards.

I spend so much more time doing something I get no gratification from, and what I do find satisfying, what is my priority in life, gets my leftovers.

Is it just me, or is that backwards?

Maybe that's why I feel so out of balance sometimes. What do you think?

Not Just Another Blog Challenge #10 - A Change in Your Life You've Been Wanting

2011-11-19T12:02:00.000-05:00

Well, if you've been around here very long at all, you can probably guess that my change would be to become a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM).

How do I think this would change my life?

Well, on an abstract level, I believe I would be less stressed, because I would no longer be trying to juggle the working world and the home life, no longer feeling the pressures of contributing to our family's finances, plus 95% of the housework and the vast majority of the child care and the greater part of the animal care as well. I wouldn't be so overwhelmed that I felt like I was drowning and / or failing most days.

This decrease in stress level would reverberate to my relationships with my husband and my daughter, as well as my extended family and my friendships, even my pets. All would improve. Or have a better opportunity to improve, at least.

On a more concrete level, we would obviously be doing better financially, since we couldn't make this change without already being there.
And I would have more time.
Ah, sweet time.

Let's look at today, for instance. What difference would being a SAHM make to my day (theoretically, since I don't really know).

Real Life (as a working mom): I've been fighting off an illness for over a week, so I overslept. Again. Woke up and was immediately rushing around trying to get everything ready to get FireGirl & myself out the door at a decent time. Had planned on packing my lunch, but no time this morning. FireGirl has also not been feeling well and has been sleeping in. I don't usually have to wake her up, but at 8:05am, I have to. I've got everything ready to go, except her. Bring her clothes to her in bed, dress her, still in bed, carry her to the car. Buckle her in, and floor it to the preschool. We got there so late we missed breakfast. Her classmates are already back in the classroom. So I sit with her while she eats breakfast by herself. Walk her to her room, put her things in her cubby, say goodbye. Drive to work and get there at 9:15am (I know, still pretty impressive, huh?). Work 8 1/2 hours. Drive to preschool. Pick up FireGirl. Drive home. Arrive home a little after 6pm. Thank goodness for a short commute. Make dinner. Eat dinner, finish around 7pm. She plays while I start her bath. Bath time is the most 1x1 quality time we'll have together today, without distractions, and including washing, playtime, drying, and putting on PJs will probably last until around 8pm. She'll help me change the chickens' bedding, and it's now 8:30pm. Watch a show or read 2 books (her choice), hopefully in bed by 9pm. After being quiet for 15-20 minutes to make sure she's asleep (open floor plan + nosy toddler = if we're not quiet she gets up to see what we're doing), I'll fold a load of laundry, put another load of laundry in the wash, do the dishes, and begin clipping coupons for tomorrow's grocery trip. At some point I'll feed the dogs and the cat. Hopefully I won't pass out from exhaustion, and will be able to do at least 2 loads of laundry tonight, plus I have two gigs coming up, so I really need to sit down and go thru those materials within the next few days, so that would be nice too. And while there are about 50 other things on my To Do List, those are the minimum for me to do tonight and not feel like a slacker. I should get to bed between midnight and 1am.

If I were a SAHM? : Well, I don't know how long we would have slept, but since we're both fighting illness, we need to rest and get better. So... let's say I woke up at 8am. Folded some laundry & put another load in. Had breakfast waiting on FireGirl when she woke up at 9am (cold breakfast - just because I'm suddenly a SAHM doesn't mean I've learned how to cook... yet). We casually eat breakfast, then clear our plates. I take a shower & get dressed while she plays in her room or reads. Then I get her dressed. We play a game together. I put another load of laundry in (or not, maybe I wouldn't be so behind on laundry if I stayed home). I promise her we can paint after lunch if she plays by herself for a while, so she does and I do the dishes. Then we eat lunch. Maybe tomato soup (her favorite). After clearing the table, it's time for paint. We do paint, and then maybe Play-doh, or craft. Something else that causes a mess. Because why not? Then it's rest time / quiet play and I send her to her room (we actually do rest time / quiet play on weekends). I proceed to clip coupons for tonight's grocery trip. Since she's not been feeling well, she falls asleep sooner than usual, after about 30 min. After I finish the coupons, I tackle the chore list: maybe some dusting or sweeping? A few simple things I can fit in during her nap, nothing major. Go outside and spend a few minutes with the dogs. Around 5pm I start dinner (I don't know what, like I can cook yet, right?). She wakes up soon after, and we eat around 5:30pm. Then we head to the grocery store. Home around 7:30pmpm, straight to bath time, but not quite so long since we've had good play time together the rest of the day. Nighttime routine is similar. She's still in bed by about 9pm. I relax on the couch for 30 min while she falls asleep. Feed the pets. Go thru my items for the upcoming gigs. Check the clock. It's 11pm and I decide to head to bed.

See the difference? I do. I really do.

And just like every day now is different, every day as a SAHM would be different to, so that's just one possible scenario. But do you see the difference? The chores that I have to save for the evening are done in the afternoon, and more! The grocery shopping I'll have to wait and do tomorrow, would get done today! The time I would have to read and play games with my daughter, just to be with her. I mean, do you see the difference?

I do.

Still busy. Very busy, in fact. But what a difference. What a real difference.

So... what's a change you've been wanting in your life? How do you think it would change things for you?

We Have CHICKENS !!!

2011-11-18T12:02:00.000-05:00

Fifteen to be exact. All hens. Plymouth Barred Rock.

We got them when they were approximately 28 hours old.

We've been talking about getting chickens since we moved onto this property a year ago. The house sat empty for so long, plus the previous owners didn't take care of it, plus it is in a wooded area, so... we had a major bug problem. Primarily wood roaches and wolf spiders, which were probably feeding off of the wood roaches. Plus when Spring rolled around we had a major mosquito issue because of our neighbors' (non) maintenance of their (stagnant) pond.

So we had several people suggest to us that chickens are an effective, non-toxic, and green way to control bug populations.

But neither of us have experience with chickens, and I actually had a fear of chickens (little known fact), plus we had plenty of renovations to work on in the house, and some marital issues to focus on, so... chickens weren't exactly a priority.

Just doing the renovations & cleaning up the property greatly helped control the roach & spider problem. And we purchased some Mosquito Control Rings which FireMan secretly threw into the neighbor's pond, all but eliminating the mosquito problem within a few days.

But we do live in a wooded area, so... there will always be bugs. Always. As the colder weather has been setting in this year, the little critters have already been making their way indoors.

And so... chickens. All natural, non-toxic, environmentally friendly bug control, plus excellent producers of organic, sort-of free range eggs.

Technically I think they qualify as "free range", but once they reach adulthood and are outside, we will be confining (ie protecting) them by housing them in a rather large chicken tractor, the square footage of which is nearly double the recommended size per bird. Yay.

But with Hydrant's history of, ahem, not being nice to animals, and even FireDog, when introduced to the baby chicks we hoped he'd protect... yeah... ends up he thinks baby chicks look yummy. So a very secure chicken tractor. Very secure chicken tractor is in the works.

They are currently in their brooder, locked in the laundry room (away from FireCat), but will be moved to their chicken tractor in the garage within a few weeks, as they outgrow the brooder. This Winter they will be too young to be outside at the outset of Winter (we intentionally chose a cold hardy breed, so future Winters they should be fine outdoors, but this year they will be too young).

So far having chickens is fun. But they poop a lot. Surprisingly a lot. But they're still fun. Thanks for checking in!

Just in time for Christmas... a giveaway!

2011-11-17T11:20:00.001-05:00

The very talented Julie Ramsey over at Walk by Faith Studio has graciously offered to sponsor a giveaway for my readers! Yay!

I just love her work, and we currently have this piece framed and displayed in my daughter's room:

Whether you choose an original drawing, a print from an original, an ACEO, or some digital artwork, you are sure to be pleased with your selection.

And I just have to take one moment to mention my absolute favorite thing about Walk by Faith Studio - it's the care Julie puts into every piece. This is evident not only in her work, but also in her shop, where she carefully describes each piece and why each and every one means something special to her. I just love this personal touch to her work!

One lucky winner will win my current favorite at her shop... an original 8x10 India ink drawing declaring "God is Love". This original piece of artwork will come signed by the artist, sprayed with a professional quality final fixative and with an 11x14 dark gray matboard with backing.

To enter simply visit her shop, review her artwork, then come back here and comment, telling me which is your favorite, and where in your house you would display it.

As an added bonus, use coupon code KYFIREWIFE on your order between now and December 31st, and you will get 10% of your entire order!

So, now hurry on over to her site, because this giveaway will end at 11:59:59 EST on Nov 25 (Black Friday!)

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TERMS AND CONDITIONS
The contest will run thru 11:59:59pm (EST) on November 25, 2011. The winner will be selected by random draw and will be notified via email. He or she will have 48 hours from the time of notification to respond before another winner is drawn.

DISCLOSURE
All thoughts and opinions shown here are exclusively my own, and no compensation was received for this post.

Not Just Another Blog Challenge #9 - What Occupation Have You Been Told You've Been Good At

2011-11-16T12:00:00.001-05:00

I think the one that's been on my mind lately is Animal Behaviorist. Since I was a young child I connected with the animals around me, and loved pretty much all of them.

Sometimes I honestly wonder how I didn't end up with a job working with animals of some sort.

A friend recently told me it's never too late to find your passion and make a career out of it, and while I know it's true, and also kinda feel like working with animals will always be more of a hobby for me.

In the long run that will probably help keep it more enjoyable for me anyway.

What about you? What job have you been told you'd be good at? Are you doing it? Why or why not?

Pics from our Anniversary Getaway

2011-11-15T12:00:00.001-05:00

View from our hotel room in Louisville, KY

being silly

Not Just Another Blog Challenge #8 - your exes

2011-11-14T12:00:00.001-05:00

#1 - Well, ya'll know about "the" ex.

My college sweetheart. A little over a year younger than me. A mechanical engineer. Now married with children. You know enough of the rest of the story.

#2 - the Portughese lover

A Portughese pharmacokineticist & marathon runner, nine years older than I, we were together for just over 4 months, when he disappeared. Literally. Home phone disconnected. Cell phone disconnected. Work phone rolled to the main operator. A drive-by showed his condo appeared empty & dark, with a "for sale" sign in the front yard.

Very weird. My sister thinks he was a terrorist. I've considered the possibility of witness protection. I have a few friends who work in various... industries... who offered to find him, but I declined.

I mean, disappearing overnight like that? It's just never good. I decided I'd rather not know.

#3 - the single dad

A single dad, recovering alcoholic and recovering narc addict, 11 years my senior. We met at church, and were together right around five months.

A very sweet guy, and a great dad, but not the best boyfriend. He had just finished the police academy when we started dating, and was a part time police officer for a nearby town.

I broke it off when I realized I was staying more for his daughter than I was for him. Still think about ~~him~~ her often.

There were a few others interspersed between those three, but those are the ones I considered actual relationships. You know, when the topic of marriage comes up seriously... I consider that a "real" relationship.

Thanks for checking in.

FireGirl's Pink & Purple Birthday Party !!! She's Three !!!

2011-11-13T12:00:00.001-05:00

That little boy? That's her boyfriend. Shhhh! They're so cute together!

She got a set of 3 Llama Llama books. And proceeded to read them to the other children.

She got her trumpet!

Random dancing

About 30 min after we got home I noticed she was very quiet. Yep, passed out on the floor of her room.

Not Just Another Blog Challenge #7 - Something You Struggle With

2011-11-12T12:01:00.000-05:00

I have no idea what I had in mind when I came up with this as a topic. But now, it makes me laugh out loud. I mean, if you've followed my blog for, say... six months or so, at least, then you know I struggle with plenty.

Of course, we all do. Maybe that was the point. Maybe I wanted to connect us all in the thread that we all struggle with something.

Right now I struggle with motivation, primarily at work. And with eating well.

I really should probably look for another job, as my current position just leaves me so terribly unfulfilled. I struggle with being motivated to work, am easily distracted, my productivity is way down... and I don't even care. That's the worst part, the tell that something is wrong.

As far as eating well... I'm not sure what happened. It seems like somewhere along the way junk has crept its way back into my diet. Actually, it feels like it jumped back in overnight. I mean, I never ate as well as I could, it was always a struggle for me, but then after seeing my endocrinologist I had made some changes and was doing fairly well, better than before, anyway, but lately... ugh. I just can't seem to get enough of it. I feel hungry all the time, even on my meds, and I'm craving the really bad stuff for me. Bad. It's not good. I'm scared to get on the scale.

I don't know what's going on. Part of me says if it's chemical / hormonal, that something has gotten out of whack, and no worries, because your checkup is next month anyway. You'll get your bloodwork done, see where everything is, talk to the endocrinologist, he'll adjust your meds, and everything will be fine. But I guess the doubting Thomas part of me worries that this solution that seemed so good might end up being too good to be true.

Part of me wonders if it's exhaustion-related. I'm just so tired lately. And it seems like the more tired I am, the more junk I want to eat.

All I can say, is that it's a good thing we don't regularly buy junk food at our house. Or I'd be a blimp right now. But curse the vending machine at work. Seriously.

So... those are my current struggles. What are yours?

It's Friday Afternoon...

2011-11-11T16:00:00.002-05:00

... and I can't stop smiling.

The past few weeks have been like this. Around 3pm I get downright giddy. Literally cannot wipe the smile off of my face.

Everything makes me happy. You pretty much cannot bring me down at this point in the ~~day~~ week.

Why?

Well, because the work week is over, I'll get my baby, go home to my hubby (2 out of 3 Fridays anyway), and have two blessed days off. Two days to be a wife and mother and nothing else. Two days to spend with my family. Two days to go on family outings, to run errands, to play with FireGirl, to go to church, to cook meals, to talk with FireMan, to do chores... and if I'm lucky I might even get to sleep in on Saturday.

Two whole days to be a wife and a mother and nothing else.

And I am literally giddy about it.

Have a most wonderful weekend everyone!

Ice Cream with "Sparkles"

2011-11-10T12:00:00.001-05:00

Not Just Another Blog Challenge #6 - How are Your Current Spiritual Views Different from How You Were Raised ??

2011-11-09T12:00:00.001-05:00

Hmmm... when I came up with this question, I actually thought it would be a fairly easy one for me, but it's a little more intricate than I realized.

So, when it comes to big stuff, core beliefs and what-not, well... my beliefs aren't different at all from how I was raised. They are different from some of the churches that I attended thru the years, but not from the spiritual teachings of my parents.

There is some little stuff that is different, but the complexity arises when I realize that regarding these fragments, my parents have altered their thoughts as well, as their relationship with the Lord grew.

An example? Sure.

When I was little, as a girl, I was not permitted to wear pants. Girls / women were only to wear skirts or culottes* no shorter than knee-length. Boys / Men were permitted to wear only full-length pants.

* as it was difficult to find true culottes in most stores, we usually settled for the baggiest walking shorts we could find, often bought in a size bigger than needed, than tailored in at the waist by our mothers

Not sure what exactly changed my parents' view on that. By 2nd or 3rd grade I was permitted to wear sweatpants during the winter, and only for gym class or out in the snow. I got my first pair of jeans when I was 13 years old. That... was a big occasion.

Since the church we went to maintained that dress code for all of its youth events, I still dressed like that quite frequently, even after my parents permitted a more modern method of dress. So I wore culottes into my first year or so in college (until they wore out). To me it was no big deal, just another thing to wear, you know?

So that's a little thing, and example of something small that my parents changed their thoughts on as their spiritual relationship grew.

Now I think probably the biggest difference is one that I'm still figuring out myself. I grew up being taught that the spiritual gifts are no longer given to believers, no longer evident in today's world. My husband grew up believing that they are still manifested. And so began the discussion.

Honestly, when you read the scriptures regarding the gifts of the Spirit, I can see both interpretations. As I've delved deeper into the Word and prayed for insight, I'm actually leaning more toward that the gifts are manifested today, but that many believers who use these gifts use them incorrectly (per the instructions given in the Bible). I'm still figuring it out, so don't get upset with me either way, but the more I read & learn the more I am thinking that the incorrect use of the gifts, by believers ignoring the instructions of the Scriptures when it comes to using the gifts given to them, probably leads to quite a bit of confusion within the church, and may have led to this split in pedagogy.

So... like I said, when it comes to big spiritual beliefs, no change from how I was raised. When it comes to smaller issues, there are a thousand snippets of teachings that both my parents & I have grown to interpret in different ways. These are just a couple of examples. Thanks for checking in!

Dude, Santa is HUGE !!

2011-11-08T12:00:00.000-05:00

Not Just Another Blog Challenge #5 - Something I Side Eye

2011-11-07T12:00:00.004-05:00

Okay, I just want to say that I have no idea why this bothers me, it just does. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this, and I know that in my head, but if I see it, it just irks me to no end, and definitely gets the ole side eye from me.

What I side eye: people who take their kids out in public wearing their PJs.

The kids wearing them, not the parents.

Yes, even infants.

Yes, I know it's weird that this bothers me.

Especially since when I was in college I would occasionally go grocery shopping in pajama pants & a Tshirt.

But it still bothers me.

Even when FireGirl was a newborn, I didn't care if she stayed in her sleeper all day at the house (heck, I've been known to put on my PJs as soon as I get home from work), but if we were going anywhere, I insisted on dressing her in a clothing outfit (ie. not sleep clothes).

Again, I have no idea why this bothers me so much, but it does. It really, really does.

Look at Me !!

2011-11-06T12:00:00.001-05:00

In that last pic, FireGirl was originally bending upside down like her daddy. That's what I was trying to take a picture of. FireMan is completely oblivious to the fact that she has just taken a header into the ground, and I snapped this pic as it happened, capturing the split second after face-plant but before screaming started.

She was fine, just scared and a little upset.

Not Just Another Blog Challenge: #4 - What's so Great about your Place of Worship

2011-11-05T12:00:00.003-04:00

Our church is pretty awesome.

I think what I admire most about our church is how much they reach out to the community. I don't think I've ever belonged to a church that was as involved in our local community as this one.

We support a local ministry that provides food to those who are struggling, primarily homeless adult men. Members provide bags of food & toiletries on a weekly basis, that are loaded up once a month & delivered to the ministry.

Once a month the members of the church also go to the ministry's primary location and serve a hot meal, as well as providing music & a quick devotional. Still primarily homeless men, but as the economy took a downturn they started seeing more & more families.

The church is also heavily involved with an organization that provides for men recently released from prison. This group owns two houses that serves as a type of transition house as the men find their footing back in the real world. They are provided a furnished room, and must attend counselling sessions, etc. while there. The organization also helps the obtain basic job skills so they can begin working again.

In addition, our church has a jail ministry, where members of the church go to area jails several times a month to minister to the inmates, pray with them, or sometimes just listen to them. Inmates who have shown good behavior are permitted to attend local worship services, and our church provides transportation for approximately 10 inmates to attend our church every Sunday.

We also support the local pregnancy crisis center, providing counselling to pregnant women who find themselves looking for alternatives to abortion, many of them feeling they have no options, but don't know what else to do. They provide everything from basic baby supplies, parenting classes, adoption counselling, basic prenatal care, and sometimes just listening to the women's struggles.

I'm sure I'm missing some areas of community involvement, but those are definitely the big ones.

There a thousand other great things about our church, but the outreach to the local community is definitely one that has stuck out to me.

Hey! We Went to A Marriage Conference

2011-11-04T12:00:00.001-04:00

And it was amazing!

I've already blogged about the experience on my other blog, but since marriage is (obviously) such a large part of my life I wanted to put a shout out over here too.

If you want to ready the whole journey of how it came to be that we went, read:

this

then this

and lastly this

Long story short, I cannot say enough for the experience, and how it has positively transformed our relationship, our marriage, and as a result our family. We're still a work in progress, there's always work to do, always ways to improve, but I never would have believed that we could see such an immense change in just a few short days.

I've tried to write about it over & over, because I personally know so many other couples are - or have - struggled in their marriages, and I want to share this resource with them, with all of you, but words just keep failing me.

Maybe the timing is wrong, maybe the words are wrong, I don't know. All I can say is that we are so very, very glad that we made the decision to go, and I do believe we will see a lasting change in our marriage and in our selves as individuals because of it.

Praise be to God!

Not Just Another Blog Challenge: #3 - My First Job

2011-11-03T12:00:00.003-04:00

Ahhh, my first job. Not including chores. Not including mowing relatives' lawns for cash, or babysitting for the neighbor's kids. My first real job.

My first real job was as a dishwasher for a steakhouse in the local mall called York's Choices.

My job was to clear dirty dishes off of tables, take them to the back, rinse them off, load the dishwasher, unload them when done, take out the garbage, and sweep & mop the floors.

About a year after I worked there the local location was closed down. The rumor was that it was shut down for health code violations. Having worked there, I believed it. I tried googling it, and it appears the entire chain is now defunct.

It was a hard, smelly undertaking. My uniform smelled like garbage (literally), no matter how many times it was washed. It stunk.

I worked there the summer between my junior & senior years of high school. I wanted to keep working part time when school started back up, but my dad was insistent that my job was school. Period. I had to talk him into letting me get that job.

My dad is so wise. Seriously. Here I was, a teenager begging him to let me get a job so I could have some extra spending cash, and my dad kept telling me "Your job is school. You have plenty of time to work once your education is over. You'll be working the rest of your life. Right now, your job is to go to school & get good grades."

Wise, I tell ya, wise.

Trip to the Zoo in Pictures

2011-11-02T12:00:00.000-04:00

FireMan teaching FireGirl about insects

watching the gorillas

brushing a goat in the Children's Zoo

First time riding the train

Photo by FireGirl - she directed us to "make a funny face"

Cheeta

Peacock - photo by FireGirl

Loving on the manatee statue

Hiding behind the manatee statue

Not Just Another Blog Challenge #2 - What's in Your Car??

2011-11-01T12:00:00.000-04:00

I know, I know, I've been slacking on these. I really wanted to take a pic for this one, but as anyone who's been following me for very long knows... I am a horrible procrastinator when it comes to taking & downloading pics.

So I decided to just go ahead & do it, without a picture.

What's in my car?

Well, I'm sure there are a couple of small toys, probably at least one children's book. There are 2 yard signs in the very back of the SUV, one for FireMan's business and one for mine, that we used when we had booths at a local fair. Three lawn chairs. Some ratchet straps. Some various pieces of metal that I'm sure FireMan knows what they are, but I don't. And our 2010 tax files. I'm not sure why or how, but somehow they ended up being stored under the seat in our car. Yes, we know that's weird. We also both know exactly where they are. So... whatever. A roll of toilet paper that I use as Kleenex, napkins, or whatever else I need to wipe from FireGirl's face. A 2007 Atlas.

And that... I think should cover it.

As always, thanks for checking in.

FireGirl has a "best" friend

2011-10-31T12:01:00.000-04:00

FireGirl's social skills have vastly improved since she started her first preschool just over a year ago. And she's always been in church nursery. And she has several cousins around her age.

So she's had friends, playmates she was friendly with.

But for the past two weeks I've heard about nothing but Trudi*.

Trudi started at her preschool last month, and last night FireGirl declared Trudi to be her "best" friend.

We must have conflicting drop-off times though, because I had yet to meet little Trudi.

Until this morning.

The minute we neared where her class was on the playground when I was dropping her off, a little blond girl approached us, quietly, hands neatly behind her back, staring at FireGirl.

I suspected this might be the "best" friend. Except FireGirl showed no reaction.

This girl continued to watch us as we said our goodbyes - a fairly long process, if I want things to go smoothly - during which time their teacher informed me that they've become best friends. I asked if that were indeed Trudi, and she confirmed that it was.

I asked FireGirl if she wanted to go play with her friend, and she nodded her head "yes" and took a step toward Trudi.

Trudi waved at her, even though they were only a step apart. They never said a word.

Then FireGirl ran back to me for one last hug before going off with her new best friend.

As a bonus, I found out they'll both be moving up to the same class, at the same time, in a few weeks. Yay!

I don't know why, but somehow I feel like this attachment to Trudi, this "best friend", is a milestone. I feel proud. But I can't explain why.

I just know my little girl is growing up.

Fingerprints (a.k.a. Sometimes I'm Intentional About Not Cleaning)

2011-10-30T12:00:00.002-04:00

I finally cleaned the television screen. But only because we were having a party and I thought the smudges might inhibit our guests' view of the show. Because prior to that I had no legitimate reason to get rid of the tiny finger- and hand-prints that covered the screen.

Daily reminders of how tiny she was just a few months earlier, how tiny she still is, and how quickly she is growing.

Of course, I couldn't wipe them away without snapping a few pictures of those tiny fingerprints first.

FireMan keeps telling me he's cleaning the front window. I keep telling him not before I take pictures of her handprints first.

It hasn't been cleaned ~~yet~~ in a year.

I think he's starting to understand my crazy.

Is Anyone's Life NOT a Stumble-Upon ??

2011-10-29T12:01:00.000-04:00

Last month Kelle Hampton wrote a great post about how we stumble upon awesome things in life. That really got me thinking.

First, about how my life is such a stumble-upon. Like... just about everything, it seems. A million little accidental findings that have turned out to be the best scenario for me. Ever.

And then I got to thinking... is anyone's life not a stumble-upon? Does anyone out there actually live according to their plans? Does anyone not just stumble thru life, coming upon the things we do and things we have mostly by... accident... fate... God?

Of course, we do have a choice... free will... We choose whether or not to turn down that inviting street, go into that unique shop, "wink" back at that cute guy.

We stumble upon things that are different than where we are, what we are doing, and we decide if we want to take the risk in exploring the stumble-upon that is tugging at us, or go back to road we were travelling safely a few moments before.

We stumble upon these things that we weren't looking for, but almost seem as though they were looking for us. And when we feel that pull, that tug towards the stumble-upon... well, it's hard to resist that tug towards the unknown. The previously unknown.

It appears I do a lot of stumbling.

Like how I met my husband.

And how he stumbled upon our house while helping his parents look for one of their own.

And how I got FireCat because, well, it seemed like a good day to get a cat. The tug was strong that day, practically driving me to the shelter.

And FireGirl? Most definitely a blessed stumble-upon.

Diving with the manatees? Stumbled upon.

My major in college? Stumbled upon.

Joining the college band? Stumbled upon.

So many things. So many things not planned. Not planned in my wildest dreams. But stumbled upon when I wasn't looking for them. There they were, tugging at my heart, begging me to turn down the next street, veer off the road I was on, change my course...

My life is one big stumble-upon. And I couldn't be happier about it.

Final Update on My Baby Cousin

2011-10-28T16:15:00.002-04:00

During monitoring yesterday they discovered that the baby had passed away.

Momma was given medication to essentially induce labor, and the baby was delivered, stillborn, last night.

Momma did very well, and is recovering comfortably at home.

My cousin expresses his gratitude to everyone who kept them in your thoughts & prayers. He said he knows they had more people praying for them than they will ever know about and they are so grateful for that support.

Thank you.

We Sure Do Love Those Cheeseburger Picnics

2011-10-28T12:00:00.003-04:00

Thanks to the unpredictable weather in these parts, I keep indulging FireGirl's requests for a cheeseburger picnic, because each time I'm worried it'll be the last warm evening we have to do them.

She enjoys them so much, thinks they're such a treat. And once the cold weather sets in... they will stop. So I keep indulging her, for one "last" cheeseburger picnic.

And then we'll have a cold spell.

And then... we'll get one or two warm days, and we'll have another cheeseburger picnic.

Rinse. Repeat.

Oh well.

Update on My Baby Cousin

2011-10-27T16:00:00.000-04:00

The baby's body continues to fill with fluid.

Doctors have declared the child is brain-dead.

Heartbeat is still unexplainably strong. They really don't know why. Said with as much fluid as is surrounding the heart, the heartbeat should have weakened by now.

Please continue to pray:
- for the baby, for the miraculous healing we know God is capable of
- for the momma's health and well-being
- for the daddy's strength
- for both parents' peace of mind, comfort, and clear minds when it comes time for decision making
- for their family as a whole, and for their marriage, as they face this challenge
- for as-of-yet-unknown issues this will bring about to them as individuals and to them as a family

Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers.

If I didn't have a job to wake up for, the cuddling MIGHT have been cute

2011-10-27T12:00:00.001-04:00

Maybe.

Possibly.

Or not.

At some point during the night I woke up to FireMan moaning in his sleep (the man's a sleep-talker, what can I say). It was at this moment that I also noticed I had a preschooler tightly wadded around my face, and a cat kneading its claws into my knee.

Now, I suppose it's the mom in me, but there was actually a part of me that insisted that I lie really, really still so as not to disturb the three creatures that were disturbing me.

Crazy? Insane? Mom-ish? Whatever. I realized I had to pee.

Scooted FireGirl to the middle, kicked the cat out of the bed. Went to the bathroom. Still half asleep.

I don't know what was going on in our house last night, but I got no sleep.

First, just as I was drifting off, FireGirl came in for the first time, crying that she had to go potty. Okay. Noble enough reason. Helped her go potty (and yes, she actually peed), put her back in bed.

Some time later, I vaguely remember my still-sleeping self waking to a little girl standing next to my bed, staring me in the face, begging to cuddle with me, and me saying something like "go back to bed".

Next.... the aforementioned waking up with her all wadded up on my face. I suppose because I tend to sleep on the very edge of the bed, that was the only place she could find enough room to get on was in the pillow area. So she was curled up into a tight little ball... around my head.

While the cat kneaded my kneecap.

And sometime after I moved her to the middle, I heard FireMan make a sound that made me think he might be fighting (he's actually kicked me once & hit me once (two separate occasions), dreaming he was fighting in his sleep), so that woke me up in a start and I actually found myself shielding FireGirl just in case.

And then I woke up again with FireGirl breathing in my face and FireCat trying to burrow under my legs. At this point I was awake enough to realize that FireGirl should not be in our bed (we don't allow co-sleeping unless it's after 5am (ie she's finishing the morning) or she's really sick (ie. I need to keep an eye on her)). I was also awake enough to realize that she usually sleeps like a rock, so if I move her back to her bed, she's not likely to wake up.

And so I did.

Enter the only 90 minutes of uninterrupted sleep I got.

Would have been two hours, but guess who showed up after 90 minutes?

Yup.

Not sure what her deal is, but all I can say is:

#1 - I hope she's not getting sick
#2 - this had better not be a new trend
#3 - I am tired

As always, thanks for checking in!

Haircut Pics (a little late, I know)

2011-10-26T12:00:00.001-04:00

Yes, I'm still catching up on posting pics.

Here are the pics from my haircut.

Before


After

Now, I took about a zillion "after" shots, because I didn't think any of them did the haircut justice. In fact, looking at these pics, I like the "before" pic better. But IRL, I think my new haircut is much cuter.

Although... sometimes I feel like it makes me look older. A bit of a "mom" cut, you know? But it's definitely easier to maintain, quicker to dry, and on the odd occasions where I actually curl or straighten it or something... well, I can actually accomplish that in less than an hour. So that's good too.

But... now that it's grown out a little bit, I'm not terribly happy with the length. So I've decided to either get it chopped of more, or start growing it out again. I can't decide. So I told FireMan I would let him choose. And he couldn't not pick, because I told him if he didn't say anything, I was getting it chopped off, so by not saying anything, he would still be picking. Pretty clever, huh?

Speaking of hair, today I noticed that FireGirl's hair is very long. Almost to her waist. She still insists that she doesn't want it cut. The problem is that she also doesn't like it to be combed, brushed, braided, pony-tailed, or otherwise messed with. She even fusses when I wash it at bathtime. Washing it is mandatory (obviously), as is combing it every morning, and pulling it into a ponytail on the days she has dance class at preschool. And since she won't let me cut her bangs, I make her wear a barrette to keep her hair out of her eyes.

I suppose as long as we can continue to fairly easily keep it maintained, I'll continue to let her have her way re: the length. I'm just not sure how much longer that will be.

As always, thanks for checking in!

Update on My Baby Cousin

2011-10-25T22:36:00.000-04:00

Further testing was done at the hospital, and they were informed that the baby's entire body was filling with excess fluid. It is not expected to survive.

This is a result of the chromosome defect, and as of yet we do not know why problems were not detected at earlier screenings / ultrasounds.

Please continue to pray for all three of them.

Thank you.

Calling My Prayer Warriors

2011-10-25T16:51:00.000-04:00

You may recall back in this post I mentioned my cousin & his wife were expecting their first child.

Well, because they were high risk they've had early ultrasounds and additional screenings (I don't know exactly what) all throughout the pregnancy, and everything seemed okay.

Today was their big ultrasound - the 20 week ultrasound to determine the gender - as well to serve as another checkup on the little one's well-being.

During the ultrasound they discovered the baby has fluid on the brain, fluid around its heart, and its feet are "messed up". Heartbeat, however, is very strong.

Their obstetrician has sent them directly to the hospital. That's all we know at this point.

Please pray for healing for baby, health for momma, and for strength & peace for the entire family.

I'll keep ya posted.

Thanks.

Did you know there's another fairy besides Tinkerbell?

2011-10-25T12:01:00.000-04:00

I didn't.

Another mom at a todder's birthday party I went to this past weekend informed me.

I was clearly the odd man out. A couple of other moms were discussing Disney princesses, a topic I can at least keep up with, growing up with Snow White & Cinderella myself (ha!). They were all discussing how their houses were drenched in pink and oh-my-goodness-does-anything-not-have-a-princess-on-it? (yes)

And then a third mom introduced the topic of fairies.

Apparently there are several. Maybe... six? I don't know. I'm still reeling from the announcement that there's more than just Tinkerbell. And they have names. And Fairy clothing lines all their own.

Whatever.

I also cannot name all of the Disney princesses. I'm guessing I might be able to get half of them correct, and those would be the old-school half.

I knew the story "The Little Mermaid" first from the book of fairy tales I had as a child, and then from Disney.

That's true of a lot of the stories I know.

I cringed when FireGirl opened a set of Disney Princess PJs at her 3rd birthday party. Cringed. Hoped they came with a gift receipt.

It's not that I have a problem with Disney (actually quite a fan), or that I have a problem with a girl wanting to be a princess (I personally want to be called "duchess", but whatever).

What I do have a problem with is the culture I see around me, as the mother of a little girl, where this influence of loving all things pink & shiny and forcing princesses (especially Disney princesses) down our daughter's throat is somehow not only acceptable, it is apparently the only satisfactory way to raise a little lady.

I walk thru the stores and see girl after little girl, virtual clones of one another, wearing the same characters, sporting the same clothes, the same shoes, and yes... acting the same way. The same I'm-a-dainty-little-spoiled-little-princess way.

And I don't like it.

If that's the way my child turns out to be, on her own, the fine. But it just seems like over the past 10 years or so this princess culture has invaded and infested our baby girls.

And I don't like it.

In a side note to commercialism, and in a surprise to even myself, when I was pregnant I made the decision that I didn't want my child wearing any character brand (ie. Elmo, Dora, Disney, etc) clothing. Quite a change from the woman who a few years before had declared that when she had a child she would have an Eeyore-themed nursery.

But when the time came... when I was pregnant... when it was my child... the idea of paying for a company to advertise on my child (which is really what you're doing)... made me cringe.

I'm racking my brain now to think if FireGirl yet has any character brand clothing items in her wardrobe. I don't think so. Although now that she's older I do let her have a little say, so there might be an item or two. Maybe.

************************
random timing maybe, but I want to take a minute to say that what I'm writing about is what I feel is the best way to handle the situation for my family. I make no judgement to those that have no problem with their girls wearing princess outfits, etc. and actually do understand where they are coming from as well. This is simply me explaining why I do what I do, and my reasoning behind it.
************************

My child does like girly things. But instead of conforming to society's vision of femininity as being a princess, FireGirl was entranced by ballerinas at a young age.

So she has ballerina skirts, and watches Angelina Ballerina, and PBS shows about ballet, and now her interest has spread to other forms of dance and even cheerleading.

I embrace her love of dance because she loves it. She discovered it all on her own, and loved it all on her own. She doesn't love it to please momma, or because her friends do, or because we forced her to take a dance class, or because society told her it was cool.

Same with nail polish.

And the color purple.

My child has liked the color purple since she was old enough to focus her eyes. I don't remember exactly how young, but it was clear at an early age that her gaze lingered on all things purple. And when she could point, she'd point out purple items. And her first two-syllable word was... purple.

It's not that I don't want her to be "girly", it's that I want her to be her own girly.

Lately she's been telling me that her favorite colors are now purple and pink.

And I'm upset.

Not because it's pink. But because I have a sneaking suspicion that she's been influenced by the girls in her class. Whose parents dress them in much more pink & girly clothing than my daughter wears. They come to school with curled hair & pierced ears and I swear I've seen lip gloss on at least one of them.

And now, suddenly, FireGirl likes pink.

I'm suspicious.

But I suppose it's all part of her journey. Of figuring out what she really likes and what she only likes because other people like it or because she thinks she should like it. And if she insists that she likes pink, I won't deny her pink.

****************
crap, now I feel like I'm rambling
****************

I guess my point is... I don't like anyone trying to push my daughter into a pigeonhole of who she should be, just because she's a girl.

Or any other reason, for that matter.

I mean, I don't like people doing it to me, I sure as heck won't stand for people doing it to my daughter.

And so... one way we combat this... no, we don't have Disney Princess items in our home. She will get exposed to that in a bevy of other locations. She does not need to be inundated with it at home as well.

Her Barbie four-wheeler? I instructed FireMan to not put the Barbie stickers on it.

Not sure what I'm gonna do about those Disney Princess pajamas.

I like that my daughter is very well-rounded in what it means to be a girl. Meaning that her choice of a Halloween costume has gone from a purple ballerina, to a black spider, to a firefighter in yellow bunker gear (she's very specific, can't you tell).

And in case you think she's simply mimicking Daddy... Daddy wears black bunker gear, thank you very much. Her costume must be yellow bunker gear. I don't know why, other than that's what she wants.

I love that she sees all of them as perfectly acceptable for a little girl.

I love that one day she will ask to wear her purple & pink skirt to school, and the next day she will ask me why the firefighter on her shirt is a boy & not a girl.

I love that in a very typically girly way she loves all things horses, but in a very untypical way she also loves snakes.

I loved the day that she asked me to get her pink training pants with Diego on them. And I love her confusion as I try to explain that Diego only comes on blue training pants and pink training pants only come with Dora on them, and my confusion as I try to explain to her why.

I love that she very daintily hates getting dirty (although she is unfortunately getting over that), but God forbid Daddy try to take the four-wheeler out without her on it.

You wanna see a real princess? Come see my daughter. In her jeans & Tshirt. Hair tangled. Dancing in our driveway.
Talk to her. Listen to her "please" and "thank you". Her "yes ma'am" and "no ma'am".
Watch her open the door for you. Help you carry something. Watch her offer her hand to her Papaw to "help" him up the stairs.

World, listen up... that is a princess. It has nothing to do with pink frilly things, nothing to do with over-commercialized painted faces. Real princesses know how to act like a lady... no matter what they're doing or what they're wearing.

My kid... she's a real princess.

Just don't call her that. Because she'll scream "No I'm not!".
And I swear she didn't get that from me. But it still makes me smile.

As always, thanks for checking in!

****************************

This post inspired by another blog post...
Purple Toenails and Princesses by JenM

Where We Got Stuck Financially

2011-10-24T12:00:00.001-04:00

Yup, we messed up.

Not huge. Yet. But... we probably caught it just in time.

It seems the majority of people run into trouble because they don't have savings, or put too much on credit cards, or just don't plan for a rainy day. And then the rainy day happens, they're hit with a catastrophe, and... ruin.

But... we hadn't done any of those things.

We did have savings. We had a savings account. We had extra savings. We had little to no credit card debt (meaning we paid off what we put on there).

And there was no major catastrophe.

Which is why... for months now... both of us have been lamenting over where our money was going.

FireMan accused me of overspending. I shot back reminding him of what he had spent money on.

Now... being totally honest, the realization of what happened is kind of a "duh" moment for both of us. Basically it's something we both knew, in our heads, but didn't really put the pieces together.

You see, when we bought our house last September, our major renovation project, we knew that our mortgage was higher than our previous mortgage. It's a larger house, with 5 times as much land, and since it's a renovation loan we paid a higher interest rate.

But we also knew that after 12 months we could refinance at a regular (lower) mortgage rate, and with the renovations being done should be able to get rid of our PMI, reducing our payments so much that our monthly payment would be the same, or slightly lower, than at our old home. For much more house and land.

That year of sacrifice, a year of a slight tightening of the belt, of not being able to put as much into savings... we knew that. We got that. We accepted that it was worth it in the long run.

So we did it. We made slight modifications to our monthly expenses. Things like replacing cable with streaming Netflix (saving us $35/mo) and the like.

But renovations (as they often do) ended up costing (significantly) more than expected. Enter the dreaded credit card.

And then, we unexpectedly experienced a significant increase in childcare costs overnight.

My longtime readers may remember this.

My parents had been our primary childcare, and had refused payment. We finally gave up trying to pay them, and compensated them instead with nicer gifts for holidays & such. Virtually nothing.

Overnight, we were paying for full time child care. Several hundred dollars we had not budgeted for, added to our monthly expenses.

I think with the stress of what our family was going thru in the moment, even though we certainly acknowledged, and stressed over, this change to our finances, we just weren't in the frame of mind to really accept it and make the changes we needed to to accommodate this change.

That... was our undoing.

The extra mortgage payments we could have handled. The extra renovation dollars we could have handled. The extra childcare expenses we could have handled.

All three happening within a 3-4 month period, increasing our monthly expenses by nearly a thousand dollars - every month - we could not.

We made it. But our savings has gradually dwindled. And our credit card bills have gradually gone up.

So I guess we haven't really made it.

Of course, there have been other things.

Like medical bills. I've had them. FireGirl's had them.
Thank goodness for being on very good health insurance plans. But between copays, deductibles, and medication, we've still paid several thousand dollars out of pocket.

And we've procrastinated on renovations. So here we are more than 13 months since we bought the house, and we still haven't even applied for refinance, because we know certain things won't pass appraisal / inspection as is. Not for us to get the lower rate. And certainly not for us to get the PMI knocked off.

Totally our fault.

So... it wasn't that we had one giant catastrophe. No car accident this time. No lost job. No one time major catastrophe.

But several things within the span of a few months that significantly raised our monthly expenses, without us making significant changes to our lifestyle to accommodate those changes... and there you have it.

We screwed up.

So now we're taking steps to correct it. We've put ourselves on weekly allowances for eating out & ATM withdrawels. We're eating in more. I'm (still) trying to get my coupons more organized so I can save more on groceries.

And we're taking Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. We're still in the beginning, but I think that's gonna be really good. It's already changing how we think about money.

Wish us luck, and I'll keep you posted.

As always, thanks for checking in!